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Hey guys! My northeast book tour is rumbling your way with the full force of a runaway subway train! Behold, Facebook events for every stop, plus important transit information for each!

• April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC! To get here via the Washington Metro, take the Green or Yellow line to Georgia Avenue/Petworth.
• April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove. To get here via the Baltimore Light Rail, take the train to Woodberry.
• May 2, 7 pm, at the City Reliquary in Brooklyn! To get here via the New York Subway, take the G or L train to Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Avenue, or the J, M, or Z train to Marcy Avenue.
• May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo! To get here by the Buffalo Metro Rail, take the train to LaSalle station.

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

OK! And now! Your comment of the week!

“Xandu’s phone doesn’t have an outward facing camera lens, so my best guess is that he bought a phone that could only take selfies. That, or the greasy salesperson at the Verizon store pegged him as an old person trying to buy a smart phone. ‘Sure, yeah, you want to do the selfies you hear kids talking about? This one can do that for you. Now how about 4-year insurance and theft protection for our one-time special price of $135? I like your cape, by the way.'” –Chareth Cutestory

And your hilarious runners up!

“Human beings talk like this — to one another!” –Paul Bond, on Facebook

“This is one of those conversations where somebody mispronounces ‘epitome’ and the other person doesn’t correct it. Years later, Dawn will learn the correct pronunciation of ‘epitome’ and she will burn with shame at this memory.” –lorne

“Like a modern-day Da Vinci, I’ve got a blog and a podcast.” –Doctor Handsome

“Every line of Dawn’s dialogue reads like a Turing test. ‘I heard it’s a popular form of physical exercise. Would you like to hear about other exercises? For example, I know a lot about Pilates, which is also popular. Try things! Art! Mustache ERROR ERROR ERROR.'” –els

“What’s his safe word? ‘Mailbox,’ maybe?” –The Kangaroo

“Oregano? Paprika? Not on my watch. If pepper was good enough for my grandpappy in World War II, it’s good enough for you. God help you if you ask me for salt.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“Oh, it’s not going to happen here. I thought we’d convene the club at a nice cafe, sip some lattes and think of sandwich ingredient combinations, and then name them after club members who best fit the description of that theoretical sandwich. Then, the orgy.” –pugfuggly

“I think Lou is subtly hinting that he is the only character in the strip with metafictional awareness. ‘It’s not going to happen here,’ he says, wondering for a moment if he should tell Dagwood that there is a world where it does happen, a world where they exist only in a timeless, two-dimensional limbo, endlessly acting out shopworn running gags for an ambivalent, dwindling audience. He decides to keep silent, and secretly envies Dagwood’s blissful ignorance.” –TheDiva

“I applaud Mary Worth’s new, more honest presentation of bland platitudes as things that have ‘been said,’ rather than specifically attributing them to John Donne and/or Lennon.” –Chyron HR

“Hands out, snap your fingers, twirl, and DANCE BREAK. Dawn’s one-woman production of West Side Story is going… I mean, it’s not going well, but at least she’s getting out of the house.” –Dan

“The most unsettling thing is that Dawn’s thoughts register as more unintelligible than those of Trixie, and she gets two whole panels.” –Irrischano

“I think Beetle Bailey is setting up a long game that will pay off months from now. A group of bombers is attacking a suspected terrorist compound somewhere in the Middle East, but one plane drops flowers instead of bombs. ‘Uh-oh,’ the pilot thinks, ‘Looks like I got in the wrong plane.’ Cut to Camp Swampy, where all the buildings are demolished, everything is on fire, and everyone is dead or grievously wounded, at which point the strip can finally, mercifully end.” –Francis

“Grandma? The lady who’s staring vacantly in the background for no discernible reason? I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything she tells you, Dolly.” –Steve S

“Dawn doesn’t realize how lucky she is that Harlan isn’t just introducing her to yoga. He’s introducing her to cold yoga. Practiced on a sheet of solid ice, it’s for those elites who know ‘hot yoga’ is for suckers. Real yoga mastery is being able to maintain a downward dog while your mat keeps slipping out from under you.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“As much as we snark on Judge Parker, it’s nice to see a comic strip that presents a marriage between a woman and a car-carrying vessel as a normal thing that doesn’t require comment. Here’s to a long and happy marriage between Angie Thornton and the M/V Peter Ferry. May they have a flotilla of healthy tugboats.” –Voshkod

“Look at Harlan, creating a ‘safe space’ for Dawn, as is the trend at college nowadays. ‘We’re informal, like we’re at home. No more furrowing your brow as you try to comprehend the achievements of the great intellects of the past.’ It must be working, because the guy in green is feeling safe and informal enough to fondle himself in public.” –KreatureFeatures

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hey guys! Just a reminder that my East Coast book tour is happening in less than a month! Oh boy oh boy. And now three of the four events have Facebook Event pages, where you can sign up and be constantly reminded that this extremely important get-together is looming, on social media!

• April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC!
• April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove. (I mistyped this as the 29th when I first put the post up but the 28th is the correct date.)
• May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!

And don’t forget, on May 2 I’ll be reading at the City Reliquary museum in Brooklyn, NY. Look for a Facebook event for that, coming soon!

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

OK, with that self-promotion out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

“I’ll use my old-school reporting skills to track down the old movie actor! I’ll just take out my notebook and pen and start interviewing leads! Guess I’ll start with the pizza waitress. HEY LADY! HAVE YOU SEEN CLIFF ANGER?” –Ukulele Ike

And your very funny runners up!

“Hear that kids? If you’re feeling lonely, just go make more friends! And if you’re feeling hungry, get something to eat! And if you feel like you’re being patronized, well that’s probably because you’re a bad person.” –pugfuggly

“An elderly woman explains modern-day friendship to a 22 year old: perhaps the ultimate Worthsplaining moment.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“Imagine if Tracy and his detective buddies took this as an opportunity to go home. ‘Yep, Specs and Spicy clearly didn’t live through an explosion like that. And even if they did, sounds like they’re DJ’s problem now. Who’s up for Cuban sandwiches before we blow this joint? Get it? Blow, as in an explosion? Haha, everyone in that building is dead.'” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“I think Mr Chubb’s comical stagy bandages might be a result of him having escaped from a far more cartoony strip, as evidenced by the shape and size of his head. ‘When that monster RV sideswiped me, I thought for sure that all that would happen was my car would flatten, then spring back into shape with a popping sound!'” –Horace Broon

“I guess it’s SORT of reassuring these days to have a giant explosion at a crowded recreational site that ISN’T caused by terrorists. ‘Nope, there was no religio-politco reason this time for all you people to have your friends and family killed or horribly crippled; just a side effect of the usual greedheads-out-for-money trope. So sleep tight and be thankful, Cuba!'” –Shrug

“And then … I had this incredibly amazing thought … what if I started talking … with dramatic pauses everywhere … in order to drag out my speech … over several days … of … strips…” –Schroduck

“Ooooooh hiking! I thought you said Thai king club, where you get together once a week to pay tribute to his majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej! The new, bolder Dawn is a royalist, so la kxn, anti-monarchical PAD scum!” –Alex Blaze

“Who wants to ask me how long I’ve had my new watch? Nobody? No takers? Not even one? Is there even anyone else here? Hello? Where am I? What even is this place? Am I dead? Is this what Heaven is?” –Joe Blevins

“The eyes are close to X’s, which indicates the wrestlee is dead? Moose killed him & is toying with him like a cat with a dead mouse.” –Chip Gorman, on Twitter

“I’m Harlan Jones but you can just call me ART HISTORY because that’s what I wrote on the board instead of my name. I’m a sub so I don’t expect any of you to learn my name anyway. At my last job they called me DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT LATIN.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I see Prof. Phipps as an Indiana Jones-type character, pursuing art history issues across the globe while his poor students suffer under a series of under-qualified substitutes. ‘It belongs in a museum!’ ‘Oh, I agree, Professor Phipps, which is why we’re taking it to the Hermitage.’ ‘Ah, very nice. You’ll hang it with the other 18th century masters, I assume?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Ha! That’s clearly a 17th century master, Belloq!’ ‘Curses!'” –Voshkod

“The point where colon cancer is mentioned is where a sympathetic protagonist might stop smirking, but that’s not the Driver Way.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“How did Sam get transported into a Dave Berg ‘Lighter Side of Torts and Personal Injuries’ feature?” –Dood

“So wait, is that larger dog the fire hydrant’s … pimp? Is that what’s going on here? Even for Marvin, this is a whole new level of depravity.” –Brad

“Hey, word to the wise, pal: you’re in prison for parole violation, i.e., you’ve been there before. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you weren’t struggling for a ‘witty’ rejoinder the first time you were locked up. ‘Here’s your squalid cell, you putrid piece of reptilian shit.’ ‘Does it … come with a shovel?'” –Irrischano

“Magnus is living every standup comedian’s worst nightmare. ‘Uh oh, nobody laughed! Better add my own laughter! Better tell another bad joke without pausing! Oh no, I’m bombing! Also, I’m in prison!'” –Steve S

“Internal Document, King Features Syndicate
Funkyverse Strategic Plan, 2016
MARCH: Repeatedly call attention to the fact that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future.
APRIL: Characters do not know what the internet is.
MAY-DECEMBER: Cancer.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

Guys, I have been remiss in keeping you up to date on important news in our beloved soap opera strips! First off, Paul Ryan, who’s been the artist on the Phantom since 2005, sadly passed away earlier this month. The new artist for the daily strip will be Mike Manley, who you may recognize as the artist for Judge Parker. Meanwhile, Terry Beatty, who draws the Sunday Phantoms and also Rex Morgan, M.D., wil be writing Rex Morgan as well! This is the first shift in writer in that strip over the whole time I’ve written this blog, and it will be very interesting to see what new directions he’ll come up with. Woody Wilson will still write Judge Parker, so we won’t have to deal with too much change at once. The new strips from everyone should start showing up in May.

But your comment of the week is available … right now!

“Yeah, Andy was just at the funeral of the man he mauled to steal that suit. Bears, man.” –Steve S

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I’d desperately love to see the next panel, since Rex has no concept of irony or sarcasm and would likely try to come up with a sincere answer to Milton’s bitter rhetorical question. ‘Um … bad, I guess?’ Milton would then use his last bit of strength to cover his own face with his palm.” –Joe Blevins

“I guess Loweezy and Elviney are backwoods goths, judging from their ‘tomato beset by acremonium mold’ and ‘Manic Panic in the exact same color as my collar and cuffs’ looks. Mabel should know that there’s no room for preps in THIS town!” –letsmoveourbootybutts

“Come on, Milton, tell us how you really feel. Oh, you already are? Well, I guess Heather doesn’t have to try so hard to stop you, since it’s not a board meeting.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Why is it a bogus brew? Probably because a mix of ‘mushroom spores’ (i.e., psilocybin mushrooms), ‘honey extract from flowers’ (morphine) and ‘cactus juice’ (mescaline) isn’t going to give you a rush of happy feelings so much as a wild journey into the darkest regions of your own soul. Hope none of you animals have any unresolved feelings about any petty crimes you might have committed in previous strips, because that shit is about to get real.” –pugfuggly

“Rex consults the laminated picture of an ox he carries in his wallet for reference. It is the only diagnosis he knows.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Today’s Gasoline Alley is clearly the setup for a porno that I am not in the target demographic for.” –Doctor Handsome

“You want to talk menace? Whose tongue is Wilson carrying around in his back pocket?” –Dood

“I love Rex’s clenched jaw in panel 2. ‘Must … maintain …pleasantries…'” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

“I’m really hoping for a ‘gaslighting Milton’ twist here. He’s not losing his mind — he’s being slowly poisoned by his wife. Nobody knows how to slip barbiturates into mush like a former nanny!” –Fritz H.

“Funny that Dennis’ dad’s boss looks a lot like Henry, except with a squarer jaw, more determined expression, more modern hair and glasses, and multiple degrees on the wall. This is the life Henry thought he would lead when he married gorgeous Alice, only to be dragged down into psychological defeat by his stinker of a son.” –BigTed

“A library book!? My one weakness!” –Peanut Gallery

“Haha, Dawn is doing that thing where when you haven’t been listening to someone you just repeat the last phrase they said as a question so that they will carry on talking.” –Currer Bell

“Lilian knew this would have to end in death; her death, or the library’s death. She’d seen things in her long life, things that books only hinted at. Panic drained from her body, replaced with grim determination. ‘You girls go finish all the sodas in the fridge,’ she said with false gaiety, ‘Grandma needs the bottles!’ There would be gas in the garage, and plenty of rags to turn into fuses. And tonight, purifying fire at the library would destroy all records of late fees. Yes; this was the easy way out.” –Voshkod

“This is like an industrial safety training pamphlet, only somehow more boring.” –Vulcan With a Mullet

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.