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Hey guys! Just a reminder that my East Coast book tour is happening in less than a month! Oh boy oh boy. And now three of the four events have Facebook Event pages, where you can sign up and be constantly reminded that this extremely important get-together is looming, on social media!

  • April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC!
  • April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove. (I mistyped this as the 29th when I first put the post up but the 28th is the correct date.)
  • May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!
  • And don’t forget, on May 2 I’ll be reading at the City Reliquary museum in Brooklyn, NY. Look for a Facebook event for that, coming soon!

    If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

    OK, with that self-promotion out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

    “I’ll use my old-school reporting skills to track down the old movie actor! I’ll just take out my notebook and pen and start interviewing leads! Guess I’ll start with the pizza waitress. HEY LADY! HAVE YOU SEEN CLIFF ANGER?” –Ukulele Ike

    And your very funny runners up!

    “Hear that kids? If you’re feeling lonely, just go make more friends! And if you’re feeling hungry, get something to eat! And if you feel like you’re being patronized, well that’s probably because you’re a bad person.” –pugfuggly

    “An elderly woman explains modern-day friendship to a 22 year old: perhaps the ultimate Worthsplaining moment.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

    “Imagine if Tracy and his detective buddies took this as an opportunity to go home. ‘Yep, Specs and Spicy clearly didn’t live through an explosion like that. And even if they did, sounds like they’re DJ’s problem now. Who’s up for Cuban sandwiches before we blow this joint? Get it? Blow, as in an explosion? Haha, everyone in that building is dead.'” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

    “I think Mr Chubb’s comical stagy bandages might be a result of him having escaped from a far more cartoony strip, as evidenced by the shape and size of his head. ‘When that monster RV sideswiped me, I thought for sure that all that would happen was my car would flatten, then spring back into shape with a popping sound!'” –Horace Broon

    “I guess it’s SORT of reassuring these days to have a giant explosion at a crowded recreational site that ISN’T caused by terrorists. ‘Nope, there was no religio-politco reason this time for all you people to have your friends and family killed or horribly crippled; just a side effect of the usual greedheads-out-for-money trope. So sleep tight and be thankful, Cuba!'” –Shrug

    And then … I had this incredibly amazing thought … what if I started talking … with dramatic pauses everywhere … in order to drag out my speech … over several days … of … strips…” –Schroduck

    “Ooooooh hiking! I thought you said Thai king club, where you get together once a week to pay tribute to his majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej! The new, bolder Dawn is a royalist, so la kxn, anti-monarchical PAD scum!” –Alex Blaze

    Who wants to ask me how long I’ve had my new watch? Nobody? No takers? Not even one? Is there even anyone else here? Hello? Where am I? What even is this place? Am I dead? Is this what Heaven is?” –Joe Blevins

    “The eyes are close to X’s, which indicates the wrestlee is dead? Moose killed him & is toying with him like a cat with a dead mouse.” –Chip Gorman, on Twitter

    “I’m Harlan Jones but you can just call me ART HISTORY because that’s what I wrote on the board instead of my name. I’m a sub so I don’t expect any of you to learn my name anyway. At my last job they called me DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT LATIN.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

    “I see Prof. Phipps as an Indiana Jones-type character, pursuing art history issues across the globe while his poor students suffer under a series of under-qualified substitutes. ‘It belongs in a museum!’ ‘Oh, I agree, Professor Phipps, which is why we’re taking it to the Hermitage.’ ‘Ah, very nice. You’ll hang it with the other 18th century masters, I assume?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Ha! That’s clearly a 17th century master, Belloq!’ ‘Curses!'” –Voshkod

    “The point where colon cancer is mentioned is where a sympathetic protagonist might stop smirking, but that’s not the Driver Way.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

    “How did Sam get transported into a Dave Berg ‘Lighter Side of Torts and Personal Injuries’ feature?” –Dood

    “So wait, is that larger dog the fire hydrant’s … pimp? Is that what’s going on here? Even for Marvin, this is a whole new level of depravity.” –Brad

    “Hey, word to the wise, pal: you’re in prison for parole violation, i.e., you’ve been there before. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you weren’t struggling for a ‘witty’ rejoinder the first time you were locked up. ‘Here’s your squalid cell, you putrid piece of reptilian shit.’ ‘Does it … come with a shovel?'” –Irrischano

    “Magnus is living every standup comedian’s worst nightmare. ‘Uh oh, nobody laughed! Better add my own laughter! Better tell another bad joke without pausing! Oh no, I’m bombing! Also, I’m in prison!'” –Steve S

    Internal Document, King Features Syndicate
    Funkyverse Strategic Plan, 2016
    MARCH: Repeatedly call attention to the fact that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future.
    APRIL: Characters do not know what the internet is.
    MAY-DECEMBER: Cancer.” –Dan

    Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

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