“Say what you will about total isolation from mainstream society and the fundamentalist indoctrination that goes on on the Keane Kompound, but that family has raised their kids Original Trilogy. The Prequels are no more welcome in that home than the filthy sinners on MSNBC. I, for one, applaud this commitment to traditional values in the face of our degraded modern ‘culture.'” –Carter Adams

“I’m pretty sure ‘you were impressive with your cane tonight’ is some sort of euphemism. And, by euphemism, I mean ‘penis joke.'” –T.H. Steady

“Remember when retirement-age Secret Service agent Clint Eastwood unraveled a conspiracy and saved the president in In the Line of Fire? Or when Channing Tatum, a mere applicant to the Secret Service, saved the president in White House Down? Well, it’s nice to know that a pair of well-trained former agents can also prevent a mugger from possibly stealing their Costco cards before they retire to their beach-adjacent condo to drink tea and discuss wedding plans. They don’t make Secret Service agent plot lines like they used to, is what I’m saying.” –BigTed

“Why are St. Peter’s eyes underneath his nose? Or does he have no eyes, but enormous nostrils? Did Momma go to cubist heaven?” –ratnerstar

“That picture of the Sun Bear tongue and the honey is one of the most perverted things I’ve seen outside of the absolute sickest fetishistic pornography, and, of course, the torrid, and shamefully explicit, final panel of today’s Mary Worth.” –Jack loves comics

“Look, Lockhorn female, if you keep playing a 45 record of Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here over and over again, you shouldn’t be surprised if you start seeing visions. Do you think you can tell Heaven from Hell?” –Voshkod

“Nice to see Bill Keane understands that the incest subtext is important to Star Wars fans, and doubled down by having BOTH of ‘Leia’s’ romantic interests be her brother. Of course, this is to be expected in cults, anyway. Big Daddy Keane’s frown is simply because Dolly, while getting the perversion right, is overlaying it with the obviously fake religious themes of ‘Star Wars,’ rather than the more carefully crafted but still obviously fake religious themes of the Keane Kompound.” –Briane Pagel

“I have a feeling I’m going to need some high-tech equipment! Get the lab boys working on a non-exploding boat.” –Dan

“Mark Trail, two weeks later: Hi, Mark. Hi, Cherry. Blueberry pancakes? Don’t mind if I do. Say, Mark, I got around to looking at that fish you had cryo-shipped up from Florida. Now, I haven’t had much experience with sharks or dolphins or whatever in Lost Forest, but it seems to me that what killed it was that license plate lodged in its esophagus. Mind if I keep the high tech equipment, though? Seems like it could be fun.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“For me, the best — the very best — part of this whole set up is that it looks like Spider-Man is furiously humping Peter Parker aboard that ‘bomb-rigged bat glider.’ So, if after reading years of this always-stultifying comic, you’ve ever wanted to tell Ol’ Webhead to go fuck himself … well, here you are.” –Joe Blevins

“I like how Sarge seems to be looking straight at the reader in that last panel. ‘That’s right, folks, nudity exists in this comic universe. If my dog has skin and flesh beneath his uniform, then by logical extension, so do I. Why don’t you take a long, hard think about that.’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve always said, the best part of any time travel story is where everyone stands around like a bunch of idiots idly discussing things.” –TheDiva

“I’m looking forward to the spin-off strip where Adam and Terry, former Secret Service agents, solve all their office problems the old fashioned way: with violence!” –Cloudbuster

“‘On the bright side, we’re not living in a zombie apocalypse’ appears not to be a word balloon, but a sampler hanging on the wall. This says more about The Lockhorns than I possibly could.” –Pozzo

“You know what would be a good way to determine whether Adam and Terry should work together? A trial period.” –A Concerned Reader

“Au contraire: Lisa does have a future self. And it’s a rotting, lifeless corpse. Just like the future self of literally everyone who ever has or ever will exist. Hence the comic’s actual punchline: people sure do get older as time goes by! And they inch closer to death.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I don’t follow this strip much, does Sarah erupt out of the side of a dog like Kuato in Total Recall?” –nescio

“Does Margo still not realize that she’ll never leave this Purgatory until she accepts the guidance of her angelic visitor? He’s been persistent, but even his eternal patience is wearing thin, I think. He’s even offered Margo knowledge of his secret NAME, by which she could obtain power over him through Onomancy, but she continues to stubbornly shun him.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“Zombies? I think the people who produce this strip subscribe to some sort of ‘zeitgeist newsletter,’ which promises to keep them up on breaking trends but is always a few months late when it arrives in the mail. Next week: ‘Jughaid was supposed ter write the date on his paper en class, and he wrote Age of Ultron!!!’ (hand raised to mouth, tongue loll, beads of sweat).” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“‘I do love the Dale Evans restaurant! Anyway, can you pass me a Poopsi-brand soft drink? It’ll go well with these Cheesos puff snacks.’ (cracks soda) ‘Ahhh, Poopsi. The choice of a younger age group.'” –Dan

“Peter watches in horror as a cheerfully incompetent Hobgoblin attempts to download an app to his iPad.” –Tim Monteith, on Facebook

“Archie and Betty think back to when gossip and rumor could be considered ‘facts’ and are paralyzed by an internal debate: is it better to speculate about people’s private lives or to be able to steal their credit card numbers?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Max, distracted by the fruit, is useless as ever as Patient A, also known as Count Weirdly, jumps out of bed and rams his IV needle into Slylock’s arm. A cold numbness begins to spread up the Canine Cogitator’s arm. The Crafty Count smiles. ‘Well, I have you now, don’t I?’ the Royal Rapscallion titters, as the Venerable Vulpine slides to the floor. Memories of childhood flood the Ratiocinating Reynard’s brilliant mind, the smell of mice in the sunlit fields of home, the crackle of their bones in his teeth. A simpler time. Groggily, the De-evolving Detective looks around and, to his surprise and joy, sees a mouse.” –Voshkod

“What a husband! ‘Sure, I can fully understand why you want to kill me and my wife, but let me try talking you out of killing someone else.'” –Joe Momma

“Damnit Momma, haven’t you heard the golden rule of storytelling? Momma gets hurt and we only get to hear about it second hand, after the fact, in the most ham-fisted infodump in the history of thought balloons? I can think of nothing that would amuse me more than seeing Momma falling and seriously injuring herself.” –Jenny Creed

“I appreciate that the semi-topical reference to Taylor Swift is cushioned by a decidedly-not-topical reference to Florence Nightingale. The great nurse’s name acts as sort of an airbag between Momma’s readers and the threat of modernity. Try it yourself: ‘I’ll bet Chester A. Arthur never used one of these smartphone doohickies!'” –Joe Blevins

“Given that Margo and her mysterious interloper are facing the same way in both panels and have shown no signs of movement, and yet the building and car in panel 1 have been replaced with two buildings in panel 2, I think we have our first proof that Margo is right: the world really does revolve around her.” –Comrade Dread

“Vaguely-nihilist-looking Jeffy is BEST Jeffy. ‘Hey, Doll. Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. Remember when I converted to Islam last year after I found out there was a flying horse in it? You’ll remember that didn’t last. No, it didn’t last, because I was a poor, mindless naif back then, Dolly. I didn’t get it yet. I didn’t realize that deities are an illusion, made by man to cope with his place in the swirling void. We’re just trapped in this big circle we call the universe, imprisoned by the things that make us human. Inevitabilities abound: the punchline will always be under the panel. We will never leave this Kompound. We are immortal, you and I, and will gain incalculable years until the newspapers get tired of deformed children mispronunciating things. Look around you; if God lived, would he allow this? No, Dolly, there is no God, and if there ever was, he is dead. Perhaps we have killed him; we shall never know. But what we do have is this, my childish, wide-headed friend: Each other, and the mortal pleasures of this world. And that includes chocolate, Dolly. Yes, the sweet, sweet taste of chocolate, to grant you tranquility as you turn to dust.'” –Jack loves comics

“I like the soft approach officer bear seems to be taking at the scene of a homicide in progress. ‘Excuse me? EXCUSE ME, Mr Wolf? If you eat that pig you’ll be in violation of the criminal code, sectio-…ok, now that rabbit is my partner and an officer of the law, so if you…oh damnit…'” –pugfuggly

“Louis Wain’s ‘Lynx Delighted by View of Rabbit Arse’ was a popular print in Victorian Britain.” –nescio

Luann: “Poor Frank. He’s just a generic dad, so generic that he hasn’t even been assigned to a specific job, just a litany of generic complaints about jobs in general. In my fanfic, he works for the Ace Box Company as a Quality Control assistant with responsibility for the right top flaps of the 12″ by 18″ boxes. He inspects them while he dreams of more. Someday, he will own a warehouse that is filled with boxes! And every box will have a right top flap that has been manufactured according to specifications at all six QC checkpoints. He smiles wistfully, and takes the newest issue of Box Quarterly into the bathroom with him for his morning break.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Parson Tuttle clearly isn’t a Bible literalist, because that doesn’t look like 300x50x30 cubits to me. Hope you like burning in hell, Parson.” –C. Sandy Cyst

Mary Worth: “The truth finally comes out! Adam’s real intention in this wooing of Terry was to get a job! Good strategy — it’s hard to get anywhere these days just contacting the personnel department. You have to ‘know someone.'” –Arabella

“Parson Tuttle’s Creationist Museum promised to bring much needed revenue to Hootin’ Holler until the night Ken Ham’s lawyers showed up. After that fiasco, all he had left was the architects’ model, which he sadly cast into the crick.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Mr. Wilson glared at Dennis. Normally the child was an interrogative deluge. The mouth of a river of incessant, pestering questions. And he’d finally come up with a pun! Something cutting and cruel, like an exceptionally sharp and well-loved knife. And so he waited, pun at the ready. But the boy didn’t ask anything! Anything at all. He just stood there, elbows hooked over the fence, glaring hatefully into their yard, his beady eyes pinched with terrible intent. For hours, Wilson waited. Any interrogative. Finally, desperate to use the treasured joke and with no opening, he couldn’t bear it. ‘why chromosomes!’ The wind rustled the trees gently. And in the silence, Dennis dropped from the fence and was gone.” –bunivasal

“What movement will the BMs be playing?” –Dood

“When Winkerbean père blows the horn to signal that the seventh seal from the Book of Revelations has how been broken open, will a vegetative Ed Crankshaft lead the resurrected Lisa Moore and My Father John Darling The Newscaster Who Was Murdered in a zombie apocalypse that will attack the class reunion and chow down on the brains of all in attendance, followed by pizzas at Montonis? That may not be what happens in tomorrow’s strip, but by God, it’s what’s gonna happen in mine.” –seismic-2

“Don’t discount this Heathcliff botched ‘hang ten’ joke as faulty math. Even the art is very subtly masking the real joke here. They want to drop a hint that Heathcliff is actually a polydactyl cat. Not one of the ‘6 front toes instead of 5 or 5 rear toes instead of 4′ polydactyls but a ‘17 toes on the left, 24 on the right.’ Under fur, from a distance, or drawn crudely by an aging syndicate lackey hanging on only because their pension is almost empty, it’s hard to see this physical trait. But this is why Heathcliff is always in motion: in a blur, no horrors can be seen for what they are. The ‘cool’ Heathcliff would be ruined by this expose if we could see his 10 distended extra toes hanging off the back of the board, and the writer knows it. This comic is about how we hide our physical faults, and how we feel we might be caught and drowned by society at any moment.” –Ben Ferber

“Deputy Duck there looks petrified that everyone will soon realize he’s not special like the others, just an ordinary duck dressed up in a suit. I know how you feel, Deputy Duck.” –Steve S

“When is Slylock Fox going to expose this scam? It’s in the exact center of his wheelhouse.” –A Concerned Reader

“Neddy’s going to make her fortune the old fashioned way: a) come up with a product of marginal utility, b) chisel everybody in sight to death in order to get it made and in stores, c) hope lightning strikes and it becomes popular and d) start out with a fortune.” –jim, some guy in iowa

“Are we not going to comment on the herpes? Because the thing I have against the American worker is that massive cold sore.” –Ellen Marszalkowski, on Facebook

“Normally, violations of the 180-degree rule can be corrected in the viewer’s mind by our understanding of the characters and their situation. But Adam’s frequent creepy possessiveness/rush-to-commitment means that the initial illusion that he’s the mugger is oddly plausible at first glance. ‘Perhaps’, thinks the reader’s subconscious, ‘Adam just assumes all relationships naturally progress to something like this.'” –Lenoxus

“I have to admit, I kinda respect Count Weirdly’s defiant protest of the animal justice system. ‘You want to put me in jail? I’ve already put myself in a jail much worse than anything you could throw at me! In here I get no food, no exercise, not even a hole to discretely rid myself of waste! Pretty soon I will be chocking on my own farts as I slowly succumb to oxygen deprivation, and yet I’ll still have my dignity!'” –pugfuggly

“Look at their smug faces while they figure out bond ratings and how to share water treatment options with neighboring cities while managing ever-shrinking municipal budgets and an aging city workforce needing ever more health coverage. Yep, some local stiff is just gonna waltz in here and manage five decades of pension obligations because he hit a pothole that one time.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“‘…and here is a person you’ll be working with whose name is Echo Chambers.’ Gotta come up with a put-down, quick. This is like prison, you’ve got to establish dominance or they’ll relegate you to the back office. What’s a sick burn I can give Echo Chambers, show her that I’m no one to mess with? ‘I wear really old clothes.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“That’s good, right? Means you’ll be able to move onto Chapter Six of the Kama Sutra, right? Yoga’s a sex thing, right?” –Pozzo

“And this is how we learn of Mark’s secret kink — vandalizing sharks.” –Joe Blevins

“He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. Hey! There’s a shark next to him, too!” –Mikey

“While you were all distracted by Adam and his cane, someone has made off with half of Terry’s body (the good half).” –lumaca morente

“Ha, ha. Are you still tying up and abandoning UPS guys?” –Dood

“‘Mark, your phone is ringing!’ ‘Would you answer it, honey?’ ‘It’s your cell phone — why don’t you keep it with you, instead of leaving it lying around this enormous house we can somehow afford on an occasional nature writer’s salary?’ ‘Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting that phones don’t have cords now. But where could I put it? My shirt only has six pockets!'” –BigTed

“‘Indeed I am, Mark! I have it tied back as we speak! Is your hair still short?’ ‘Why yes it is, Ken, thanks for asking!’ ‘How about Doc? Is he still bald?’ ‘He sure is! I keep telling him he should shave the sides, but he won’t listen! What about Kelly, is she still a brunette?’ ‘Nope, blonde now, from the neck up anyway, ha-ha! Is Cherry still rocking that retro fifties thing?’ ‘Yup, Cherry is not a person who is growing her hair long…’ And so forth, for literally hours.” –Ratiocinator

“Those aren’t roots by the tree, but freshly tilled soil. Nope, that handyman won’t ever be coming back.” –Malaclypse

“Since this is the Crankenverse — the funny (for certain values of funny) part of the Funkyverse — I have to assume that in the next panel she loses control of the wheelchair, which goes careening down a steep section of road and flips over. That flowerpot she’s carrying (for some reason) smashes down on her head, killing her instantly. The last picture is her crumpled corpse with the flower sticking out of her head. Crankshaft says ‘too bad, but we always knew she was a late bloomer.’ Fin.” –Voshkod

“Is that a beach ball, or the disembodied pitch-black blue-pupiled eye of some dark God, taken as a trophy when he was defeated and slain in mortal combat? But I thought Dick was on vacation? Must just be recreational killing.” –Jack loves comics

“Yeah, you’re supposed to keep your finger outside the trigger guard when not firing (that’s why it’s called a ‘trigger guard’), but I’m pretty sure that gun’s not actually cocked — and that’s a good thing, because the cylinder clearly doesn’t line up with the barrel, so trying to fire it would do more damage to the shooter than to the target. That’s what she gets for buying a cheap, knockoff handgun. ‘No stars, Schmidt & Western! Would not buy again!'” –Paul1963