If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

AHEM, AND NOW, your COTW!

“Yes, ‘Alfie.’ That’s short for ‘Resuscitation Alfred.’ He’s been here since the incident at the Red Cross CPR trainining class. Given what happened, they haven’t asked for it back. Alcohol swab?” –Kevin On Earth

And your hilarious runners up!

“Hootin’ Holler residents discover Dizzy-World when they’re young, and the meth labs and shine stills they slap together later are desperate attempts to maintain the pleasures of their youth.” –Oavis

“I love how unenthusiastic Creepy McProfessor looks. Like he doesn’t really want to do this, but ugh, fine, he’ll be Dawn’s weird forbidden romance if he must.” –thleeny

“Sure, it seems like a harmless enough thing to draw all your animal creatures with weirdly human features (breasts, beer bellies, life-sapping ennui), but one day, the whims of the public will force you to draw those beasts naked, and then no amount of bubble bath or wine artfully placed over the cleavage will protect you.” –Schroduck

“And the, uh, mountain of marijuana it’s sitting on? Is that part of the karst or whatever, too?” –pugfuggly

“Suffice it to say, I’m called in to consult on what kinds of solvents will dissolve bones, teeth, hair, etc. If I tell you anything more you’ll be a witness, which you do not want.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“So Harlan Jones’ everyday outfit consists of a buttoned-up polo shirt, green sports jacket and man-bag? I think it’s less likely that ‘Alfie’ is his lover than, say, his caddie.” –BigTed

“Watch yourself, Alfie. Your adorable companionship is keeping this man sane, and away from seeking another hetero-normative marriage. This may please your owner, but it will not please Mary. And Mary gets what she wants.” –Enlong

“So I told my editor, ‘she can have tits or she can have a chin, I don’t do both.’” –Dan

“‘Matty Squared’ is 10% Max Headroom and 90% the late Orville Redenbacher. Or should I say … ORVILLE DEADENBACHER. Hey, creators of Dick Tracy, you can have that one for free, as long as you promise to never give me credit.” –Kibo

“Let’s be fair to plumbers in the Pluggersverse; designing a toilet that can handle both bear and kangaroo scat probably is rocket science.” –Voshkod

“That net is sure going to make it difficult for all of Camp Swampy’s justifiably suicidal soldiers to step three feet to the right before they jump.” –Steve S

“I want to concentrate on myself, improve my mind, focus on learning. But just temporarily! Can you imagine spending a big chunk of your life on improving your mind and learning stuff? In under five years, I’ll be back to being as ignorant as they come, honest!” –seismic-2

“What’s great is you can drop Carlyle J. Chaffeur’s stunning Rex Morgan, M.D., second-panel turn into any comic strip and it just works. Hell, even Gary Brookins over at Pluggers would love material like this. ‘Pluggers are hotter than a two dollar pistol on Saturday night,’ with special thanks to Carlyle J. Chaffeur.” –Dood

“You’re so young, and vibrant, and alive. Not like my dead wife. Alright, let’s do downward dog. Like this adorable dog, which is the only thing keeping me sane, now that my wife is dead. Man, I’m really baring my soul, here. Don’t feel the need to reciprocate, it’s definitely not my intent to create an emotional low-pressure system. Are you dating? I haven’t. Not since my wife died.” –bunivasal

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

OK! And now! Your comment of the week!

“Xandu’s phone doesn’t have an outward facing camera lens, so my best guess is that he bought a phone that could only take selfies. That, or the greasy salesperson at the Verizon store pegged him as an old person trying to buy a smart phone. ‘Sure, yeah, you want to do the selfies you hear kids talking about? This one can do that for you. Now how about 4-year insurance and theft protection for our one-time special price of $135? I like your cape, by the way.'” –Chareth Cutestory

And your hilarious runners up!

“Human beings talk like this — to one another!” –Paul Bond, on Facebook

“This is one of those conversations where somebody mispronounces ‘epitome’ and the other person doesn’t correct it. Years later, Dawn will learn the correct pronunciation of ‘epitome’ and she will burn with shame at this memory.” –lorne

“Like a modern-day Da Vinci, I’ve got a blog and a podcast.” –Doctor Handsome

“Every line of Dawn’s dialogue reads like a Turing test. ‘I heard it’s a popular form of physical exercise. Would you like to hear about other exercises? For example, I know a lot about Pilates, which is also popular. Try things! Art! Mustache ERROR ERROR ERROR.'” –els

“What’s his safe word? ‘Mailbox,’ maybe?” –The Kangaroo

“Oregano? Paprika? Not on my watch. If pepper was good enough for my grandpappy in World War II, it’s good enough for you. God help you if you ask me for salt.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“Oh, it’s not going to happen here. I thought we’d convene the club at a nice cafe, sip some lattes and think of sandwich ingredient combinations, and then name them after club members who best fit the description of that theoretical sandwich. Then, the orgy.” –pugfuggly

“I think Lou is subtly hinting that he is the only character in the strip with metafictional awareness. ‘It’s not going to happen here,’ he says, wondering for a moment if he should tell Dagwood that there is a world where it does happen, a world where they exist only in a timeless, two-dimensional limbo, endlessly acting out shopworn running gags for an ambivalent, dwindling audience. He decides to keep silent, and secretly envies Dagwood’s blissful ignorance.” –TheDiva

“I applaud Mary Worth’s new, more honest presentation of bland platitudes as things that have ‘been said,’ rather than specifically attributing them to John Donne and/or Lennon.” –Chyron HR

“Hands out, snap your fingers, twirl, and DANCE BREAK. Dawn’s one-woman production of West Side Story is going… I mean, it’s not going well, but at least she’s getting out of the house.” –Dan

“The most unsettling thing is that Dawn’s thoughts register as more unintelligible than those of Trixie, and she gets two whole panels.” –Irrischano

“I think Beetle Bailey is setting up a long game that will pay off months from now. A group of bombers is attacking a suspected terrorist compound somewhere in the Middle East, but one plane drops flowers instead of bombs. ‘Uh-oh,’ the pilot thinks, ‘Looks like I got in the wrong plane.’ Cut to Camp Swampy, where all the buildings are demolished, everything is on fire, and everyone is dead or grievously wounded, at which point the strip can finally, mercifully end.” –Francis

“Grandma? The lady who’s staring vacantly in the background for no discernible reason? I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything she tells you, Dolly.” –Steve S

“Dawn doesn’t realize how lucky she is that Harlan isn’t just introducing her to yoga. He’s introducing her to cold yoga. Practiced on a sheet of solid ice, it’s for those elites who know ‘hot yoga’ is for suckers. Real yoga mastery is being able to maintain a downward dog while your mat keeps slipping out from under you.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“As much as we snark on Judge Parker, it’s nice to see a comic strip that presents a marriage between a woman and a car-carrying vessel as a normal thing that doesn’t require comment. Here’s to a long and happy marriage between Angie Thornton and the M/V Peter Ferry. May they have a flotilla of healthy tugboats.” –Voshkod

“Look at Harlan, creating a ‘safe space’ for Dawn, as is the trend at college nowadays. ‘We’re informal, like we’re at home. No more furrowing your brow as you try to comprehend the achievements of the great intellects of the past.’ It must be working, because the guy in green is feeling safe and informal enough to fondle himself in public.” –KreatureFeatures

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

And don’t forget, on May 2 I’ll be reading at the City Reliquary museum in Brooklyn, NY. Look for a Facebook event for that, coming soon!

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

OK, with that self-promotion out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

“I’ll use my old-school reporting skills to track down the old movie actor! I’ll just take out my notebook and pen and start interviewing leads! Guess I’ll start with the pizza waitress. HEY LADY! HAVE YOU SEEN CLIFF ANGER?” –Ukulele Ike

And your very funny runners up!

“Hear that kids? If you’re feeling lonely, just go make more friends! And if you’re feeling hungry, get something to eat! And if you feel like you’re being patronized, well that’s probably because you’re a bad person.” –pugfuggly

“An elderly woman explains modern-day friendship to a 22 year old: perhaps the ultimate Worthsplaining moment.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“Imagine if Tracy and his detective buddies took this as an opportunity to go home. ‘Yep, Specs and Spicy clearly didn’t live through an explosion like that. And even if they did, sounds like they’re DJ’s problem now. Who’s up for Cuban sandwiches before we blow this joint? Get it? Blow, as in an explosion? Haha, everyone in that building is dead.'” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“I think Mr Chubb’s comical stagy bandages might be a result of him having escaped from a far more cartoony strip, as evidenced by the shape and size of his head. ‘When that monster RV sideswiped me, I thought for sure that all that would happen was my car would flatten, then spring back into shape with a popping sound!'” –Horace Broon

“I guess it’s SORT of reassuring these days to have a giant explosion at a crowded recreational site that ISN’T caused by terrorists. ‘Nope, there was no religio-politco reason this time for all you people to have your friends and family killed or horribly crippled; just a side effect of the usual greedheads-out-for-money trope. So sleep tight and be thankful, Cuba!'” –Shrug

“And then … I had this incredibly amazing thought … what if I started talking … with dramatic pauses everywhere … in order to drag out my speech … over several days … of … strips…” –Schroduck

“Ooooooh hiking! I thought you said Thai king club, where you get together once a week to pay tribute to his majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej! The new, bolder Dawn is a royalist, so la kxn, anti-monarchical PAD scum!” –Alex Blaze

“Who wants to ask me how long I’ve had my new watch? Nobody? No takers? Not even one? Is there even anyone else here? Hello? Where am I? What even is this place? Am I dead? Is this what Heaven is?” –Joe Blevins

“The eyes are close to X’s, which indicates the wrestlee is dead? Moose killed him & is toying with him like a cat with a dead mouse.” –Chip Gorman, on Twitter

“I’m Harlan Jones but you can just call me ART HISTORY because that’s what I wrote on the board instead of my name. I’m a sub so I don’t expect any of you to learn my name anyway. At my last job they called me DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT LATIN.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I see Prof. Phipps as an Indiana Jones-type character, pursuing art history issues across the globe while his poor students suffer under a series of under-qualified substitutes. ‘It belongs in a museum!’ ‘Oh, I agree, Professor Phipps, which is why we’re taking it to the Hermitage.’ ‘Ah, very nice. You’ll hang it with the other 18th century masters, I assume?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Ha! That’s clearly a 17th century master, Belloq!’ ‘Curses!'” –Voshkod

“The point where colon cancer is mentioned is where a sympathetic protagonist might stop smirking, but that’s not the Driver Way.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“How did Sam get transported into a Dave Berg ‘Lighter Side of Torts and Personal Injuries’ feature?” –Dood

“So wait, is that larger dog the fire hydrant’s … pimp? Is that what’s going on here? Even for Marvin, this is a whole new level of depravity.” –Brad

“Hey, word to the wise, pal: you’re in prison for parole violation, i.e., you’ve been there before. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you weren’t struggling for a ‘witty’ rejoinder the first time you were locked up. ‘Here’s your squalid cell, you putrid piece of reptilian shit.’ ‘Does it … come with a shovel?'” –Irrischano

“Magnus is living every standup comedian’s worst nightmare. ‘Uh oh, nobody laughed! Better add my own laughter! Better tell another bad joke without pausing! Oh no, I’m bombing! Also, I’m in prison!'” –Steve S

“Internal Document, King Features Syndicate
Funkyverse Strategic Plan, 2016
MARCH: Repeatedly call attention to the fact that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future.
APRIL: Characters do not know what the internet is.
MAY-DECEMBER: Cancer.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers: