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Ahoy matey! It be your comment of the week!

“Though the cookie tasted like hot garbage, Olive couldn’t help but smile at the groveling wreck of a human being whose hopes were obliterated before her eyes. Mary had promised her entertainment, and Mary had delivered.” –Vincent Watkins

Abandoning that ill-conceived pirate voice, here are your hilarious runners up:

“I mean physically of course — emotionally we were done years ago.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“Hmmm. The crossword puzzle. Silly me. I thought Shylock had figured it out by Max’s femur bones being located (a) in the ashtray and (b) next to the gaudy green phone that completely throws off the room’s ambiance.” –See Spot thrash

“Notice that it says Willy ‘nabbed’ Max Mouse, not kidnapped. I don’t believe this to be a ransom or sex slave situation. Rather, it’s a good old-fashioned citizen’s arrest of a tyrant’s lackey. The local press is anything but sympathetic, printing a front page spread akin to reports of third world dictators being assassinated.” –Irrischano

“‘I’m an English governess, June.’ [leans forward] ‘I have seen some shit.’” –Dan

“Neil deNnis Menace” –new york values haver, on Twitter

“Did you know that in 1982 Kenny Loggins married his colon therapist? There, that’s something more interesting that the comic presented, and fits within the theme of a cat being propelled upwards by an unknown force from his rear.” –pugfuggly

“Antipodes, Joey. Not ‘anty-poads.’ God. Pick up a fucking book sometime. I’m starting to think I am gonna marry Margaret when I grow up.” –Windier E. Megatons

“Gabe mansplained before Mark could even whip out his mansplainer! Fact-blocked!” –Baka Gaijin

“Pluggers never need more than the one book.” –rbmalpha

“Another thing to like about Mary Worth is how Olive is stuffing cookies into her mouth in practically every panel. It’s the only child-like thing she’s ever done in this strip. Maybe she was just hypoglycemic this whole time?” –Marcus Theory

“That is the laziest imaginary girlfriend story in history. Francis has only the vaguest understanding of what he’s even supposed to be lying about. ‘I know girlfriends kiss you, whatever that is, so I’ll just just say kiss, over and over! It’s a masterpiece of deception!'” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m sure that little cloud in panel two is supposed to indicate Dot’s breath in the winter air. I prefer to think that Mr. Wavering’s story so horrified Trixie that she inadvertently farted.” –Pozzo

“I know new technology is exciting, but patients will probably respond better to telehealth if their doctor doesn’t deliver a diagnosis while bragging to a child through a mouthful of patty melt.” –Dan

“Trixie’s long and incredibly squicky march to adulthood begins with her burgeoning suspicion that Mr. Sunbeam is married.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Man, is Namor jacked or what? We must be polluting the ocean with HGH.” –Rusty

“Here’s the how-to video. If these guys can give birth to basketballs, why should we have any trouble? I mean, they don’t even have wombs. NBA? More like NB-NO-WAY. As in, no way did he do that without an epidural.” –made of wince

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