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Oh let’s not dilly dally, let’s get right to the COTW!

“Ex-scuse me, but you can never have too much pink in a pillow sham. You just lost all credibility there, chica. No wonder your husband won’t listen to you — your argument has no basis in fact. I would certainly hate to see your idea of a good pillow sham. It’s probably a pinkless godawful disgrace. [actual dialogue consists of random barking]” –made of wince

The runners up are also delightful!

“So, you want us to acknowledge the avian qualities of our characters, do you? You want to see them flying around, perhaps diving into the ocean for fish? Here you go! Isn’t it everything you ever wanted?” –Enlong

“‘How would you like your steak?’ ‘The same way I like flattering roles for women in Judge Parker … extremely rare.” –Joe Blevins

“Based on Funky’s facial expression in panel 1, the only thing sadder in Funky Winkerbean than life itself and its endless crushing disappointments is the thought that anyone in the strip might ever have a function relevant to modern life.” –Francis

“Is it just me, or is Abbey asking and answering her own question in panel one? Normally I would find that a horribly annoying habit, but I think it’s a step in the right direction in this case. Hopefully all the characters will follow suit and nobody will talk directly to one another ever again. Who has hope for the future of Judge Parker? This guy!” –Dante

“Presumably the baristas in the Parkerverse write ‘The Chambers Affair is Excellent’ on half of their cups and ‘The screenplay is even better!’ on the other in an attempt to engage their customers in a discussion about Parker Privilege.” –But What Do I Know?

“I love that opening image of Terry walking to work with her arms held out and elbows folded. This is how you begin a story about a grown-up woman with a tiny briefcase who’s working a serious grown-up job, people.” –Jenny Creed

“Jam spiced with tears of loneliness is always the best spread.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Even in the face of widespread genocide, the punning continues.” –TheDiva

“What do these letters mean on the cereal box? No, seriously, I’m completely illiterate and allergic to peanuts. I might die if you don’t read it to me.” –Alex Blaze

“Oh, let’s be done with it once and for all; you’re a plugger if you are a dog that’s really Wilford Brimley.” –Joe Momma

Apartment 3-G: “I don’t know if the antagonist is a big role or a tiny role. It’s all very hush-hush. Everyone involved has had to sign agreements promising not to disclose details of the script or any of the narratological conventions of western storytelling. Who knows?!?” –Shoe Substitutes

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Coach. Here, look at my fingers! Are these the fingers of someone who knows what you’re talking about?” –Digger

“I’m sorry but I just can’t feel too bad for the pluggers in this case. If you bought your first house for less than the price of a new car today, that represents a significant financial gain, because that same house is worth FAR more today! Unless you’re some kind of terrible hoarder who wrecked the value of the own ho– ohhhh, now I get it.” –Purple Prosecutor

“I think you’ve underestimated Heathcliff. He’s not trying to maximize his purchasing power … no, no, no. Heathcliff has discovered a taste for exotic meats. And there’s only one end point for that path: Heathcliff is, sooner rather than later, going to develop a taste for human. The Heathpocalypse is nigh! Repent!” –APNDaveR

“I’m kinda digging that smug look on Bobby in panel 2. ‘Yeah, I pulled a classic Dumbo’s Feather gambit on him. Dumbo is my nickname for Max, by the way, but don’t tell him tha– Crap, he’s still in the room, isn’t he.'” –Drewbear

“Panel 2: ‘Say, is one supposed to look up and to the LEFT when pretending to recall true information or RIGHT? I can never remember … er, wait, did I say all that out loud?'” –Proteus454

“This is indeed a great tie-in with Avengers 2: My Eyes Are Up Here.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hi everyone! Your COTW momentarily, but first, for those of you in a Los Angeles-adjacent location: what are you doing this coming Tuesday night? I’m going to be in a stand-up contest at the LA Scripted Comedy festival, so why not buy some tickets? I would advance to the finals based on audience vote, so your presence would be extremely helpful!

And with that plug and attempt to subvert democracy out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

“I notice Dennis has signed his abstract illustration of … is that a basic optical microscope? Anyway, he’s signing things DennisXx now. I hope he realizes pretty soon that this ‘straightedge’ persona is about as un-menacing as it gets.” –Brady

And your hilarious runners up!

“No, the most satisfying end to this storyline would be if Gordon jumped into the lion pit and Hanna yelled ‘OH GOD! NO, GORDON–‘ and it immediately cut to Mary doing something else, and we never heard from these characters again.” –Jack loves comics

“Congratulations, Skyler … not on getting that Bond-girl-gone-bad role, but on being awarded an audience with Margo sometime ‘next week.’ But be vigilant! As it says in the Bible, ‘Keep watch, for you do not know the day or the hour.'” –Joe Blevins

“Mary Worth is like the Romans of yore; she makes a creative and emotional desert, and she calls it peace.” –G’Quan

“I was disturbed by the sexual overtones of ‘some homemade jam’ until I realized Lu Ann’s outfit is meant to suggest she’s two-thirds of Neapolitan ice cream. ‘You bring the chocolate, Martin!’ her outfit screams.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The bored expression on Thel’s face is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. ‘Eh. There’s nothing kids can’t read in there. That’s my life kids, take a good look. Suitable for all ages.'” –Dan

Luann: “This is all a precursor to these crazy kids getting married at the fire hall, right? After the ceremony, Toni ‘slides down the pole’? Also, she and B-wad eventually consummate the marriage.” –Old School Allie Cat

“So, I guess Hanna left her furniture behind. If this guy is depressed now, wait until he starts living with that pistachio and chartreuse color scheme.” –lumaca morente

“The lady-cat in Heathcliff is freaking me out today. Why is she staring at me? What does that knowing smile mean? What does it have to do with that femur she’s holding? Is … is that my bone?” –Englong

“Speaking of moving boxes onto the street, I hope they fired the marketing rep who thought Mary Worth was a good product placement venue for U-Haul.” –Hart of Johnny

“Can’t Big Daddy Keane stand by the kitchen sink reading the newspaper in peace like normal people do after a successful shopping trip to Shapeless Blue Pants And Shirt-Matching-Shoes Warehouse?” –Daniel

“I never worry about tomorrow, ’cause in Australia it’s already come. Yes, it has come to Australia, it has risen from an eons-long slumber beneath the coral palaces of the Great Barrier Reef. Even now it shambles into Sydney Harbour, bringing death and madness in its wake. I can hear it shouting in alien triumph in my dreams, Father. I will join it in its grand crusade to destroy the world, Mother. Yes, I never worry about tomorrow, for there shall be no tomorrow, only unrelenting pain in the gaping maw of our new savior and destroyer! Ia! Ia! Only now can we escape this small circle we call Life!” –Voshkod

“Mary appears to be taking her move from a manual about how grade school girls can get a boy to like them: ‘Ask questions, show you’re interested in him.’ Adam will find this mimicry of human behavior flattering, until she devours him.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Mark Zuckerberg: ‘My goal with Facebook is for everyone on earth to be using Facebook, for it to be a vital part of the complete human experience, never to be absent. Also, for fictional characters to never be shown using Facebook, ever, under severe penalty of law.'” –Mibbitmaker

“Now I get it! Pluggers are beings cursed with immortality, living in a hellish existence that keeps them alive at advanced middle age, with no hope of escaping the endless pain and exhaustion.” –Ethan Shuster

“Whew! For a moment there on Wednesday it looked like this strip was going to be about practicing medicine.” –Master Softheart

“‘Not!’ Whoah, what a stinger! There’s no comeback from the dreaded burn of ‘Not!’ Ask the miserable Elf King trying to slink out of panel 1. ‘Hey, Elf King, your new green tights are sooo in style. NOT!’ He slowly removed his crown, gathered a few belongings and walked out of the forest for the first time in two hundred years. ‘Sir,’ he asked an old man ‘is there a clever retort from Not?’ The old man looked at him quizzically. ‘That’s from Wayne’s World, back in ’92. Ha! Yeah, I loved that one. No, never did come up with anything to counter Not! I just took my lumps there. Maybe the high school kids might know.’ He handed his night cap to the old man, and walked into Genericburg High, home of the Wild Mascots.” –hogenmogen

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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AHHH IT’S THE SECOND MONTH IN A ROW WITH A FRIDAY THE THIRTHEENTH! Luckily (see what I did there), you have this comment of the week to console you:

“‘We sure are growin’ up fast, aren’t we, mommy?’ [Keane children join together and morph into one massively tall melonheaded SuperKeane that devours mommy]” –Jack loves comics

And these very funny runners up!

“Dennis the Menace really is rocking the ‘Gingers are soulless monsters’ thing this week, eh? Just look at those glowing blue wells where the baby’s eyes should be.” –James Dowd on Facebook

“‘Those look fantastic!’ ‘Why, thank you, 1980s Pete Rose! And thanks, too, for showing up at our barbecue.’ ‘Oh, no problem. I’m not … I’m not a busy man.'” –Joe Blevins

“In Judge Parker, Rocky takes time out from leering at Neddy to admire Godiva’s breasts. In Mary Worth, we get the final (please?) All Praise Mary scene of a story about two women realising that a man was all they needed to be happy, and now they can give up things like driving and self-reliance. And in A3G poor Margo is so overcome by her feminine emotions that she’s on the point of complete hysteria. Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!” –Horace Boon

“I hope this is the start of an epic story about a young beaver, who went off on his own, found a stream to dam, and created a new beaver pond in which Rusty drowns.” –nescio

“I’m hearing Jeffy’s speaking there with the voice of Hannibal Lecter. ‘You want to know how old I am, Clarice? Take these mittens off of me, and I can tell you. I can count off my fingers like you count off the remaining years of your life, lonely and afraid despite your gun and badge.'” –Voshkod

“My take on it is that Slylock is not on the prosecutor’s team this time. He’s making some honest coin by defending a dishonest client. Why else would such a bizarre defense have been cooked up? ‘How could Rachel have seen my client when the porch light was not on, and the moon was not out? In fact, there was only a single star in the sky. I ask you, kind animal citizens of the jury, how could you possibly convict, based on this shady … bad choice of words, uncertain testimony?’ The cat in the jury can see by the light of a single star even at night, and doesn’t see what the big deal is. And owls can’t roll their eyes like that. They keep them locked dead ahead, like the entire jury, stunned that Slylock is defending Mr. Shrew in court, after being the one who blew out of the water Shady’s alibi about skiing in South America (it is summer in South America).” –Hogenmogen

“In Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, the colony of evolved rats uses an old Beatrix Potter-esque children’s book as their holy writ. What I’m saying is, Law and Order may not have survived in Slylock’s brave new world, but Encyclopedia Brown definitely did.” –TheDiva

“Sure, right now Momma’s only breaking the fourth wall to make us co-conspirators in her ‘joke,’ but tread carefully, dear reader! YOU KNOW how Momma works! Those playful winks and nudges will gradually morph into subtle recriminations, and before long any pretext of subtly will be dropped. ‘You seem to have spent quite a bit of time reading #Marmaduke this morning,’ she’ll say, locking your eyes with her wide, unblinking gaze. ‘You know, this strip is probably going to be cancelled soon and then your sad and lonely Momma will be #GoneForever, but fine, go ahead and laugh it up at that big dog’s #PlayfulHijinks.’ #DontLetMommaWin! #HashtagsHashtagsHashtags” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Look at that jerk, he’s all, ‘This is the wrong soda, and my sandwich has a cockroach in it, and I’ve been trying to get the staff’s attention for twenty minutes but they just stand inside the kitchen whispering to each other!’ It’s a total color nine smell scene, man.” –Chyron HR

“Crankshaft realizes old-fashioned mousetraps are more environmentally friendly than the traps baited with poison he usually pictures. Dammit! That woman has already influenced him in unintended ways! He’s got to get out of going to that garden show or she’ll have him eating turkey sausage for breakfast.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I was worried when we set up my ‘accident’ but those new super-slim Depends don’t even show under my costume.” –cheech wizard

“I disagree with Josh today. I think intentionally taking a soccer-style flop is EXACTLY Newspaper Spider-Man’s level of sophistication as a superhero. Spider-Man: ‘Ow! Owoooo! Oh my God, my ribs! I think they’re — broken!’ Big Robot: ‘HE-IS-LYING-HE’S-THE-ONE-WHO-TRIPPED-ME-INTO-HIM’ Spider-Man: ‘Ow ow owwwwwww!’ Mysterio: [throws penalty card on robot] Big Robot: ‘YOU-SUCK-HE-IS-NOT-EVEN-HURT'” –Laura

“Between panels 1 and 2, the little green lumps on Mary’s plate have engorged themselves on the big brown lumps. That’s more action than this strip has seen in ages. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff shows us what a skilled surgeon he is, by pretending to know how to use a fork.” –seismic-2

“Ha, ha! I was impressed with your zealous attitude as a volunteer! I mean, my word, trying to resuscitate all those patients I’d killed!” –Dood

“‘Former Bigwig’. ‘Zealous Attitude’. Are these code words for sex that old people use?” –Mumblix Grumph

“Oh, snap! ‘FORMER bigwig!’ Mary is negging Jeff! No wonder he’s hooked.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

“With him you never know! Maybe he would prefer smashed potatoes, or crashed potatoes, or even crushed potatoes. Damn foodies! Potatoes were our thing!” –pugfuggly

“Geez, Dennis, must you spoil everything? Mrs Wilson is trying her best! It’s not easy to put together a lovely meal after the Great Meat Famine. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they died of malnutrition?” –made of wince

“Seriously, what part does Skyler play in these Bond films, Frumpy Galore?” –Dood

“Daddy, you know I can’t take your credit card. Hell, I’m the only kid on the block with a ‘do not accept checks from…’ sign on my wall. It’s just five pictures of you with different glasses and moustaches.” –Dan

“Y’know, maybe these are ‘bond movies,’ promotional films that feature waxy, dowdy blondes in weird pink polo blouses encouraging folks to buy war bonds.” –Ukulele Ike

“As Moses put the word of the Lord into Aaron’s mouth (Exodus 4:15), Billy opens his to receive the word from his father. Debate has raged for years on whether the body of Alan Greenspan literally or figuratively materializes during this capitalist communion.” –Hibbleton

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.