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Everybody! Or everyone in or near Los Angeles, anyway! This is your final reminder that I will be doing standup at Tao Comedy Studio at 7466 Beverly Blvd in Los Angeles tomorrow (Saturday) night at 8:30 pm! Check out the Facebook event, won’t you?

And with that business out of the way, how about … a comment of the week?

“Tommie! You’re home at last!! And … oh, you’re wearing a turtleneck. Despite the fact that it’s clearly polo collar day. So much for pretending you haven’t been living in a barn, then.” –Dan

And how about some hilarious runners up?

“Momma‘s kids find each other so repugnant that they’ve arranged themselves in a such a way that they don’t have to look at each other’s faces. Momma has decided to take it a step further by eliminating any light sources.” –pugfuggly

“Sweet! Both Apartment 3-G and Momma are in fluorescent colors today! Welp, time to print these out, pin them to the wall, turn on the black light, and drop acid! Best. Sunday. Ever.” –made of wince

“Apartment 3-G, The Happiness Falls Fiasco: What really happened.

Frank: I’m not drawing that fucking deer anymore, Margaret!
Margaret: You have to! It’s in your contract!
Frank: I don’t give a fuck! I ain’t doing it! You won’t see Margo for months if I have to draw that little fucker again!
Margaret: Well, we’ll just see who outlasts who!
Frank: You’re on, Honey!” –Mikey

“With all three wearing matching colored tops, the 3G cult is back together. Margo is obviously the Jim Jones of this apartment.” –Ranger

“No seatbelt, Ian? Looks like you’ll be able to give Hanna her dressing-down from the passenger compartment of her own car once you launch through both windshields.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Man, Ian’s beard is pissed. It’s already starting to detach from his face to wreak havoc. If they find that ding-dong’s body, cause of death will be asphyxiation by beard.” –Voshkod

“Stanley’s plan to evade taxes via atrocious health habits and an attendant early death is already going perfectly. He’s only 32 years old, and he’s in intensive care so often that now he just wears a hospital gown as his everyday outfit. He’s thinking of getting his monogrammed and everything.” –Joe Blevins

“Ian’s pretty angry for a man who just won the Nobel Prize for Medicine.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“And congratulations to Mr. Giella for his masterful rendering of Toby as one who’s been strung out all night, waiting for the taste Ian said he’d bring to her.” –Chyron HR

“Oh lordy. Hanna Dingdon? Get it, because she keeps dinging cars? Come on, Mary Worth, this is Mark Trail-level naming. Well, actually, no. If this was Mark Trail-level, she’d have the nickname ‘Car Accident’. But still.” –Enlong

“Toby is an artist who paints and sells miniatures. Oh God, I can’t believe I know that. Suddenly I realize why I am unemployable.” –Gabacho

“AT LAST we see why Toby has bound herself to the rotting flesh of Ian Cameron. She and her entire race must constantly feed on human rage and bile if they are to live. A shrunken, wizened shell of herself when she opens the door, by the second panel she is aglow with youth and energy, basking in the rays of Chinbeard’s sweet, sweet fury. By choosing such a life mate/symbiotic host, she has guaranteed herself a near-inexhaustible source of life. Well played, alien life-form Toby!” –boojum

“That ‘leg-out-of-bed’ pose could mean that she’s arriving, but I prefer to think that she’s leaving: ‘By the way, happy anniversary and adios, loser.’ Or she’s farting.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Come on, Les. This isn’t that hard. Just mark it on your calendar: right after the Lisa’s Legacy Run is the anniversary of your marriage to Not-Lisa.” –Digger

“Sorry teacher, Dennis refuses to recognize Abkhazian Independence day. Try your anti-American brainwashing on some less menacing kid!” –Dr. Dread

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hey guys! I am starting a new tradition here on josh reads dot com where I put up a metapost on Mondays letting you know about (a) things I’ve written elsewhere that you can read and (b) things I’m about to do live and in person that you can attend! Obviously I’ll only do it when one of the above things is true for that week. This week you get one of each!

• I wrote this slideshow about the worst types of people you meet working in IT! You may recognize these people from your own workplace, even if you’re not in tech, frankly.
• Also: I am about to do my very first standup show in Los Angeles! I am on a bill with lots of other funny people this coming Saturday at 8:30 at Tao Comedy Studio at 7466 Beverly Boulevard, as outlined on this flyer!

  

  If you are a Los Angeles-area reader and have been thinking “Gee, I wish Josh’s live comedy adventures happened close to me — like, he should just pick up his entire life and move thousands of miles for my convenience,” this has now happened, so it’s time for you to hold up your end of the bargain. Seriously, if I do my first ever stand-up show in LA and people come out to see me specifically that … is the sort of information that would get around and/or be helpful, I think? Just putting that out there. Anyway, the Facebook event is here, if Facebook events are the kind of things you find helpful!

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What’s that? It’s Friday? Must be COMMENT OF THE WEEK TIME!

“‘Li’l’? Snooty know-it-all Margaret would never stoop to such a plebeian contraction. Unless she’s being condescending and is pronouncing it with audible air quotes, just to let the boys know that she’s aware of their respective social positions. Who’s the real menace here?” –Pozzo

And also time for the hilarious runner-up comments!

“My daughter is 14 months old. To my mind ‘little stranger’ isn’t quite extreme enough. We love the little alien but — speaking as a man who was just handed a saliva-covered PS3 remote — she’s weirder than anything I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo.” –Victor Von

“‘Didja hear th’ news, Loweezy?’ asks Suzy as she leaves the doctor’s office literally minutes after learning of her own pregnancy. ‘Shore did, Suzy!’ replies Loweezy. ‘Can’t no gubmint-made laws ’bout medical privacy keep down the gossipin’ round here!’ They both laugh.” –logicbutton

“Slylock Fox is the go-to comic if you want to teach your kids how to deconstruct an alibi provided by a wild animal accused of a crime. I really can’t think of any other resource that fills that niche.” –hogenmogen

“The young miss Dingdon has to send her son to the Aging Chair for a while, where he metamorphoses from a rambunctious young lad who loves to play with his blank yellow mannequin and do The Robot at inopportune times to a strapping twenty-year-old who has no interest in the horror movie his gramma has left on, and only enjoys using his iPad electronic device.” –Jack loves comics

“Maybe things are more formal in California, but around here, women who are in Hanna Dingdon’s demographic, with Hanna Dingdon’s hairstyle and lack of assertiveness, very seldom wear suits unless they are headed somewhere really special, and by ‘really special,’ I don’t mean ‘grocery store’ or ‘ophthalmologist.’ Donning a suit for a day of hanging around one’s condo does not happen, is what I’m saying.” –Poteet

“Didn’t Funky have a heart attack last time he tried to run? Like … a few months ago? Well, at least they’re already all wearing black.” –Dan

“An excellent strip for code-talking Congressmen — what they say, and what they mean: ‘Excellent work Mark’ (i.e., ‘GREAT photo op for me!’) ‘Thank you, Congressman Gowdy!’ (‘Thank you, Congressman Greedy!’) ‘If you are planning on going back to Africa soon, perhaps we here in Washington could help organize a conservation effort?’ (‘There’s graft a’plenty for everyone in this deal’) ‘It’s something I would consider if it’s properly funded…’ (‘There better be plenty of butter on my slice of the bread’) ‘…but for now I’m headed home…’ (‘where’s the nearest gay bar?’) ‘…it’s been a while since I’ve seen my family! (‘I need to take a shit after that long flight!’)” –Dennis Jimenez

“Notice that Les proudly sports the number 1, indicating his level of importance in the Lisa’s Legacy run. Funky, meanwhile, has chosen to go with a number that matches the number of years that he’s hated his life and silently longed for death.” –Digger

“Spider-Man feels a certain connection with Ox because they both have the same problem with inanimate objects. ‘Ah, the old Steel Pillar Head Trauma — not as stylish as the Brick to the Back of the Head, but still a classic.'” –Marcus Theory

“Sure, Dennis Mitchell may have lost a little (or a lot) of his menace over the years, but look at what’s happened to Snuffy Smith. This used to be a moonshining, chicken-stealing wild man with an arrest record as long as your arm. And now? Well, now he builds artisanal birdhouses. To which I say: just move to Williamsburg and get it over with, poseur. Next, he’ll start playing the ukulele.” –Joe Blevins

“One way to make sense of the two park-goers is if they have actually been standing there for hours, the giant Sarge-Tunnel fixed in the corner of their eyes, too terrified to look at it head-on and too petrified to flee. Every hour, park vendors (blind and hence safe) offer them food, which they silently purchase as their minds are gradually maddened into pure horrifying Snorkel. Hence the park profits by (as Beetle understates) ‘making the rides scarier.'” –Lenoxus

“And of course, when dressing him this morning — or rather, when she was buying his clothes at Goodwill — his mom decided that putting a big fat zero on Joey’s chest seems just about right. You’re bubkis, Joey. Nada. Everyone who knows you knows that, but you might meet some new people today.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Dennis and Margaret laughed. Joey stared at the ground, remembering his grandfather’s stories of the 1908 Ticklian Massacre in Chucklestan and his promise to never be ashamed of his heritage.” –pugfuggly

“Well, here’s a how-de-do! Mary is obligated to pair all women of marriageable age (i.e., between 14 and whatever Mary is) with suitable mates. But she is also obligated to shame Amy for daring to think her life has a purpose and meaning outside of her little proto-Rusty. Can she reconcile these conflicting objectives? Or will her programming malfunction and short-circuit?” –TheDiva

“This poor kid was fucked from the word ‘Go’. He’s a ginger named Gordon Dingdon, for God’s sake, and apart from his mother and grandmother screaming at each other, the only social stimuli he receives come from a faceless doll and a Cold War era mouse cartoon animated by Joe Giella. ‘Have a good day at school, Gordon! Try not to get the ever living shit beat out of yourself again today!'” –Mikey

“A decent publisher would’ve saved the impotent struggling for a strip that ran on a Monday, but not these heartless ghouls.” –Chareth Cutestory

“NNHHH!!! Marvel Comics Inc. is no fool. This panel was designed for future commercial use, when someone in marketing realized that the generation that started out on Flintstone vitamins is now ready for Spider-Man Metamucil.” –seismic-2

“You know General Halftrack is thinking, ‘Shit, how many times have I told Cookie to label the white phosphorus so he wouldn’t mistake it for table salt again? Just what I need, another trip to the Hague to answer for ‘torture’ and ‘crimes against humanity’. I miss World War II when you could expose ’em to radiation, chemicals, whatever and no one batted an eye. Wait … was I alive for World War II? How old am I supposed to be? Did I age? Is it still World War II? Eh, where’s the fucking scotch.'” –Comrade Dread

“If only there was a way I could crawl straight up, like some sort of insect or something, then I could slip out of these chains around my chest. But that would only work if my body were narrower around the legs then around my torso. I guess I’m doomed.” –grsblvnyk

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.