“‘We sure are growin’ up fast, aren’t we, mommy?’ [Keane children join together and morph into one massively tall melonheaded SuperKeane that devours mommy]” –Jack loves comics

“Dennis the Menace really is rocking the ‘Gingers are soulless monsters’ thing this week, eh? Just look at those glowing blue wells where the baby’s eyes should be.” –James Dowd on Facebook

“‘Those look fantastic!’ ‘Why, thank you, 1980s Pete Rose! And thanks, too, for showing up at our barbecue.’ ‘Oh, no problem. I’m not … I’m not a busy man.'” –Joe Blevins

“In Judge Parker, Rocky takes time out from leering at Neddy to admire Godiva’s breasts. In Mary Worth, we get the final (please?) All Praise Mary scene of a story about two women realising that a man was all they needed to be happy, and now they can give up things like driving and self-reliance. And in A3G poor Margo is so overcome by her feminine emotions that she’s on the point of complete hysteria. Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!” –Horace Boon

“I hope this is the start of an epic story about a young beaver, who went off on his own, found a stream to dam, and created a new beaver pond in which Rusty drowns.” –nescio

“I’m hearing Jeffy’s speaking there with the voice of Hannibal Lecter. ‘You want to know how old I am, Clarice? Take these mittens off of me, and I can tell you. I can count off my fingers like you count off the remaining years of your life, lonely and afraid despite your gun and badge.'” –Voshkod

“My take on it is that Slylock is not on the prosecutor’s team this time. He’s making some honest coin by defending a dishonest client. Why else would such a bizarre defense have been cooked up? ‘How could Rachel have seen my client when the porch light was not on, and the moon was not out? In fact, there was only a single star in the sky. I ask you, kind animal citizens of the jury, how could you possibly convict, based on this shady … bad choice of words, uncertain testimony?’ The cat in the jury can see by the light of a single star even at night, and doesn’t see what the big deal is. And owls can’t roll their eyes like that. They keep them locked dead ahead, like the entire jury, stunned that Slylock is defending Mr. Shrew in court, after being the one who blew out of the water Shady’s alibi about skiing in South America (it is summer in South America).” –Hogenmogen

“In Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, the colony of evolved rats uses an old Beatrix Potter-esque children’s book as their holy writ. What I’m saying is, Law and Order may not have survived in Slylock’s brave new world, but Encyclopedia Brown definitely did.” –TheDiva

“Sure, right now Momma’s only breaking the fourth wall to make us co-conspirators in her ‘joke,’ but tread carefully, dear reader! YOU KNOW how Momma works! Those playful winks and nudges will gradually morph into subtle recriminations, and before long any pretext of subtly will be dropped. ‘You seem to have spent quite a bit of time reading #Marmaduke this morning,’ she’ll say, locking your eyes with her wide, unblinking gaze. ‘You know, this strip is probably going to be cancelled soon and then your sad and lonely Momma will be #GoneForever, but fine, go ahead and laugh it up at that big dog’s #PlayfulHijinks.’ #DontLetMommaWin! #HashtagsHashtagsHashtags” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Look at that jerk, he’s all, ‘This is the wrong soda, and my sandwich has a cockroach in it, and I’ve been trying to get the staff’s attention for twenty minutes but they just stand inside the kitchen whispering to each other!’ It’s a total color nine smell scene, man.” –Chyron HR

“Crankshaft realizes old-fashioned mousetraps are more environmentally friendly than the traps baited with poison he usually pictures. Dammit! That woman has already influenced him in unintended ways! He’s got to get out of going to that garden show or she’ll have him eating turkey sausage for breakfast.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I was worried when we set up my ‘accident’ but those new super-slim Depends don’t even show under my costume.” –cheech wizard

“I disagree with Josh today. I think intentionally taking a soccer-style flop is EXACTLY Newspaper Spider-Man’s level of sophistication as a superhero. Spider-Man: ‘Ow! Owoooo! Oh my God, my ribs! I think they’re — broken!’ Big Robot: ‘HE-IS-LYING-HE’S-THE-ONE-WHO-TRIPPED-ME-INTO-HIM’ Spider-Man: ‘Ow ow owwwwwww!’ Mysterio: [throws penalty card on robot] Big Robot: ‘YOU-SUCK-HE-IS-NOT-EVEN-HURT'” –Laura

“Between panels 1 and 2, the little green lumps on Mary’s plate have engorged themselves on the big brown lumps. That’s more action than this strip has seen in ages. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff shows us what a skilled surgeon he is, by pretending to know how to use a fork.” –seismic-2

“Ha, ha! I was impressed with your zealous attitude as a volunteer! I mean, my word, trying to resuscitate all those patients I’d killed!” –Dood

“‘Former Bigwig’. ‘Zealous Attitude’. Are these code words for sex that old people use?” –Mumblix Grumph

“Oh, snap! ‘FORMER bigwig!’ Mary is negging Jeff! No wonder he’s hooked.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

“With him you never know! Maybe he would prefer smashed potatoes, or crashed potatoes, or even crushed potatoes. Damn foodies! Potatoes were our thing!” –pugfuggly

“Geez, Dennis, must you spoil everything? Mrs Wilson is trying her best! It’s not easy to put together a lovely meal after the Great Meat Famine. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they died of malnutrition?” –made of wince

“Seriously, what part does Skyler play in these Bond films, Frumpy Galore?” –Dood

“Daddy, you know I can’t take your credit card. Hell, I’m the only kid on the block with a ‘do not accept checks from…’ sign on my wall. It’s just five pictures of you with different glasses and moustaches.” –Dan

“Y’know, maybe these are ‘bond movies,’ promotional films that feature waxy, dowdy blondes in weird pink polo blouses encouraging folks to buy war bonds.” –Ukulele Ike

“As Moses put the word of the Lord into Aaron’s mouth (Exodus 4:15), Billy opens his to receive the word from his father. Debate has raged for years on whether the body of Alan Greenspan literally or figuratively materializes during this capitalist communion.” –Hibbleton

“It’s pretty fantastic how Slylock is holding his hands out, imploring the assorted creatures to rely on their capacity for reason, as they march right past him with dollars already out and ready to be spent. But the next time Slick Smitty comes along with some fantastic claim about the polar bears he met at the South Pole, who will they plead with to solve the crime? ‘It’s barely worth throwing pearls of trivia before the swine of this forest,’ he’ll mutter while Max coughs and tries to subtly point out that there’s a talking swine nearby.” –Dan

“Like pale grubs given human features the Family Circus children slither across the bed, poking the clammy appendages they call hands into daddy Keane’s eyes and ears, demanding sustenance. Perhaps if he feigns death they’ll spare him and take is wife instead. But no, they can sense the ruse. There will be no escape from their doughy pun-filled maws while he still lives.” –EscapeZeppelin

“Is that a single bed where Bil is sleeping? They’ve wised up four kids too late.” –Midtown

“Please tell me that somewhere off-panel there’s a box labeled ‘Gordon’ and the little marionette is stuffed neatly in there with an iPad.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“Hello, dear. Just thought I’d invade your mind for a sec. Wow, it’s all sepia tone in here! Is this the way the world looks to you? No wonder you don’t trust yourself to drive; I imagine traffic lights are quite a challenge. Anyway, what’s with all the boxes? You’re not moving them into my place, are you? I thought you weren’t a hoarder, and all you need is your flute. What else are you hiding from me, a pet monkey? Well, that’s it for now. I have an appointment to get this troublesome hair in my nostrils trimmed again. Boy howdy, it grows like wildfire — I haven’t smelled a single thing in years!” –made of wince

“Bowl haircut, bowl helmet … this guy is like one of those ‘theme’ villains on the Batman TV show. All he needs is henchmen wearing black sweatshirts with white lettering: ‘Tie him up, Mixing, you and Cereal go down to the dock, and take … take…’ ahh, nuts, this is much harder than it’s worth.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Ghost Who Runs a Eugenics Program” –Liam

“‘Mr. Moore?’ That seems a bit formal for … hmm. Come to think of it, what is the correct form of address for the widower of your bio-mom? I think if I were Darrin, I’d solve this conundrum by never talking to Les at all.” –Horace Broon

“So I’m assuming this is the work of that weirdo special effects guy we met earlier in the story, because obviously Peter can’t plan this far in advance for anything. I guess this might just raise more questions, like ‘why?’ or ‘how?’ or ‘um, what?’, but I’m sure we’ll be treated to some world-class hand-waving for the rest of the week.” –pugfuggly

“If the last two panels of Judge Parker took place on Jeopardy!: ‘What is the ending to the phrase: old enough to be my…’ Neddy’s Friend: ‘Demise!’ Wine Bottle: ‘Pop!’ ‘Wine Bottle is correct.'” –Wrong Way Up

“I looked at the full moon, but nothing’s happening still. I don’t think Daddy’s Lunar Destruction Ray works at all! The U.N. will never pay us the ransom now!” –Voshkod

“Who’d guess a film could make such a mess? Just the people who saw Green Lantern! DOH HO HO HO!” –Chyron HR

“Sean is already proving himself to be a most considerate husband, as he takes care to punch the word ‘knees’ to make sure his new bride gets the joke. (The joke is that he’s super old and feeble and probably not long for this world. HA!)” –Joe Blevins

“Certain Dick Tracy characters look like they went into a costume shop and said ‘Give me exactly one item from every outfit you have.'” –Jack loves comics

“It’s the end of the first quarter, and you’re already busing out the ‘Max Bacon is sizzling’ line? As fun a name as that is, there’s not really too many directions you can go with it, especially not in the positive. ‘We’re at the half, and Max Bacon is killing the visitors like high sodium and cholesterol!’ ‘Third Quarter is up, and Max Bacon is hot like a grease fire!’ ‘The game is up, and if one thing’s for certain, it’s that Central wishes they were kosher right now … or something … Bacon, right?'” –pugfuggly

“Now, Rusty, most people don’t find insects all that appealing. But as I’m a nature journalist and you’re a … whatever the hell you are, we have a deeper understanding of the wonders of the natural — Goddamnit, Rusty! Could you stop shoveling bugs down your gullet for one second? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, here!” –rbmalpha

“I love it that Momma now takes place in an alternate universe where the former Presidents of the United States are all still alive and just kind of hang out these days. It’s a fantastic literary conceit. Lincoln was laid-back, like some cool stoner uncle you only see at family reunions and weddings. Washington, however, is obviously more tense, and you can see why. He apparently has to be on living display 24-7 at some tacky D.C. tourist trap, balancing precariously in his three-legged chair while idiot tourists just barge in and evaluate him. Valley Forge was nothing compared to this!” –Joe Blevins

“Does no one find it disturbing that Gordon grew nine inches and about 50 pounds between panel one and panel two? Was he bitten by a radioactive middle-aged man at some point, and this is some kind of superpower?” –Damian

“Hi honey, you look disheveled and beaten down, you’re uttering expressions of weary drudgery, and the kitchen is a tableau of chaos. That’s … good, I guess? Interpreting visual and vocal cues is not my strong suit.” –TheDiva

“Coming up: Max claims to have a medical reason for taking Adderall. Marty pushes this version of events under the slogan ‘Cured Bacon.'” –Horace Boon

“Amy’s ‘big news’ is that her lawyer assured her that the competency hearings on her mother will be just a formality, especially since the judge has been ‘dating’ Amy all these weeks. Involuntary commitment for Hanna, here we come!” –Shrug

“Did I miss the comic where Mary was the cause of Amy and Dave getting engaged, or is that going to be told in flashback? There is no third possibility.” –A Concerned Reader

“I saved your life! Of course, I also caused you to fall in the first place! But then again, you shouldn’t have been out there trying to kill me in the zeroth place! But in the negative oneth place, I shouldn’t have done whatever the hell it is that you want to kill me for!” –Hogenmogen

“Sounds reasonable, but you might want to get a second opinion from a registered cardiologist, Martha, just to be sure. Take it from me, you don’t want your main source of medical advice to be a five-year-old. Or anybody with ‘the Menace’ in their name, for that matter. Except Dr. Stanley ‘the Menace’ Gottlieb — he’s all right.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So the supervillain with all of the wacky, cutting edge technology resorts to a boring old handgun? I hope Spider-Man mocks him when the gun misfires and then Mysterio beats him to death with it.” –Mikey

“Leroy is a vampire! Or an idiot. Whichever.” –Nekrotzar

“MOMMA HAS MASTERED TELEPATHIC THOUGHT SUGGESTION, FREUDIAN IMPULSES AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GUILT SHALL REIGN SUPREME” –Dan

“Okay, ‘Dave’ is obviously a psychological coping mechanism. This storyline can’t not end with Amy standing over Sean’s body with a bloody knife with some quote from Rumi in the corner.” –Matt Algren on Facebook

“If I blow on them all, Dolly, I’ll run out of curare darts. I only have ten shots … well, nine, now … and P.J.’s a slippery one. So just relax, Sis, this won’t hurt much.” –Voshkod

“Did Ayn Rand have giant Popeye arms in real life, or is this an idealized rendition of her?” –Chyron HR

“Dolly referring to a collection of objects that make harsh, shrill noises as a ‘family’ seems about right.” –nescio

“This conclusion tells me this entire Mary Worth plotline is some surreal, nihilistic performance art piece. Hanna fecklessly commits herself to ill-advised romance that could cause deep rifts in her established personal life, only to find that those same careless, shallow motives exist in everyone, rendering moot the consequences of her decisions. And we have uncanny valley Gordon, whose appearance in this strip resembles that of a ventriloquist dummy (who effectively says and does nothing), indicative that all responsibility in this world is hollow and meaningless. Goddamn this is dark.” –HAnzMFG

“I hope the rest of Newspaper Spider-Man is just Spidey pulling an infinite succession of masks off Mysterio. Until finally he reaches his own face, and with horror peels that off to reveal a radiant globe of pure light that envelops the entire universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“No, my Ichthyoid companion, I feel no terror. For months we have been trapped together within this tiny bowl with no space to swim, no chance to breathe free in the water, no chance for new experiences or new friends. Our only companion one another and the horrible weight of our thoughts brought upon us by the mysterious and cursed sentience that God or science has been bestowed upon us to recognize the horror of our day to day existence and the meaninglessness of it all and no one to recognize our plight or cares to render us aid. I feel no terror. I feel only relief.” –Comrade Dread