“In the first panel, a cackling octogenarian Pee Wee Herman squeezes some white goo into a bowl while Tobey gives herself a breast exam. After that, who needs a second panel?” –AhClem

“‘I’m worried about MJ. I keep giving her the finger, and she doesn’t even notice,’ thinks Peter, the man who forgot how hands work.” –made of wince

“Having visited Iceland with its 300,000 inhabitants, I can totally understand how the Phantom family, especially the tall purple dude with the trenchcoat, will be able to move about while remaining quite unnoticed. Yes.” –Poteet

“Deserve to be in the finals? What, are you insinuating that we’re here just because of luck, or some kind of deal with Satan where I traded my immortal soul for just one shot at glory with this terrible team? Because that is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.” –pugfuggly

“Stan Lee IS Sean Hastings IN The Brave Little Toaster III: The Quickening.” –@MattFossen on Twitter

“Pius XI wrote some encyclicals that pointed out the evils of greed, capitalism and international finance. Gil will rally his troops by explaining that they’re not going to up against the power of the Almighty, they’re going to war against Communism.” –Hogenmogen

“A basic artistic question has been haunting Judge Parker’s readership: how would Manley portray a Hollywood star world-famous for her good looks in a strip where lawyers, secretaries, ‘translators,’ bookish high school students, vineyard owners in Napa County, and the domestic staff at Spencer Farms are all as stunningly gorgeous as the constraints of a daily comic strip panel allows? Well, the answer delivers on Judge Parker’s core strength of deadpan social satire. From her ludicrous name to the blank oblivion behind her glasses to the fact that she has a bra-less figure that by high-fashion mannequins would consider unrealistic, Godiva Danube is the paragon of empty, mass-media materialism.” –Master Softheart

“Dennis the Menace raises questions about time and space. Did Alice have time to wash her hands? Where is ‘there’ that isn’t here? Is there a safe concealed behind the vaguely erotic broccoli painting? If so, how does it fit into the thin wall?” –Downpuppy

“A ‘classic’? Does that mean this has run before? ‘Hello, Mr Pluggers Guy? Yeah, this is Bill Beck. My wife is still bugging me about the gutters. Can you rerun that cartoon for me? Thanks, appreciate it.'” –aphthakid

“‘That swamp really smells bad! I can’t wait to replace it with the clear, dry, mineral scent of a mining operation.’ ‘We get it, Mitchum — you’re named after a deodorant.'” –BigTed

“So he just leaves through his own apartment window? Well, I guess that’s how he keeps his secret identity. Man on the street: ‘Wow, Spider-Man sure visits that dipshit Parker a lot.'” –Mikey

“Hey, if you’ve got a squirrelly guy like Mitchum around the office — masturbates behind word bubbles, walks around with a cup and pot of coffee, calls sums of money ‘large’ — you’ll want to assure him to calm the fuck down at the end of every sentence you speak.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Crankshaft takes place in the relative past to Funky Winkerbean, right? So it’s safe to assume that in the main Funkyverse strip, this movie theater does not exist and has fallen into oblivion. This pleases me.” –Justin

“I’m legitimately amazed that Ed hasn’t responded to Mustache Man’s continual self-pity/loathing with something along the lines of ‘People aren’t tired of seeing movies on the big screen. They’re just tired of you.’ This isn’t the Crankshaft we know and lov… we know.” –Shran

“Mary Worth likes to watch people fuck. Now we know.” –cheech wizard

“Loweezy wears a hat over a shawl. Let that sink in for a moment. Loweezy wears a hat over a shawl.” –Pozzo

“This is NOT the way Gunther’s mother wanted him to find out about the new butler.” –Everything is Better With Monkeys

“Some news: Lockhorns ripoff comic that somehow came first The Better Half is ending at the end of November. Newspapers are already asking their readers to pick if it should be replaced by The Lockhorns or just a general sense of the death of all things.” –Chip Whittle

“As Edna convulses in her final death spasm in panel five, June, after just assuring her that everything will be fine, thinks ‘Oh well, she’s not my problem anymore. Hey, there’s another woman sitting on the floor. Why does everything always have to happen to me?!'” –Shran

“‘I’ll see you at the hospital later,’ June says to the woman’s abdomen. As she slips the EMTs their fees she thinks, I hope they remembered to put ice in the cooler this time.” –Cthulhu Gnu

“I dunno what physical symptoms would be appropriately cartoonish markers to express such a specific feeling as ‘lack of resolve to commit a brutal act’, but I’m pretty sure ‘leg convulsions’ and ‘expression of abject terror’ aren’t two that are working for B.C. today. Learn from the soap strips, B.C.! The only way to convey an emotion is with exaggerated, robotic hand movements, like you’re a mannequin signaling a plane!” –Jack Loves Comics

“Happy 50th, Wizard of Id. That means it’s time for your colonoscopy! Or as you might call it, ‘going to the dungeon.'” –WeatherServo9

“Someday PJ will understand that there is no upside to the Wizard of Id. It’s all downside.” –KEithOK

“With all the changes in this strip, I’m glad Mark still talks like he carves his words into a stump before saying them.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Why is everything to Cherry’s left in black and white? Is Mark so distracted by her bikini that he didn’t notice that he’s headed straight for the negative zone?” –Vardulon

“Gunther’s Mom is embarrassed to be caught with the worst-selling Real Doll ever, model KY-69, the Portly Gent.” –Voshkod

“While the thought that the conversation between Hanna Dingdon and Generic Old Widower might be rife with sexual innuendo is stomach-turning, it is far preferable to reaching the conclusion that they have now spent the past week simply talking about taking a walk with no overtones at all.” –But What Do I Know

“Tech people, help me out here: Can you ‘Carrie’ people via Skype?” –Chyron HR

“Mary’s honey trap worked like a dream. Now it’s time for Phase 2 of Operation: HannaDrop: clearing Somerset’s 3-year waiting list by purveying lethally bad advice in the Ask Wendy column. What’s that? Wilbur’s writing Ask Wendy again? Excellent, we can go straight to Phase 3 … Pool Party!” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“What’s sad here is how the passerby just immediately acquiesces to Dennis’ demand. APATHY IS THE DEVIL’S BEST FRIEND.” –Joe Blevins

“A3G’s status as a soap strip dovetails nicely with the inconsistent artwork. Panel 1: ‘The part of Margo will now be played by Pensive Peter Brady.’ Panel 2: ‘The part of Margo will now be played by Dyspeptic James Madison.’ Of course, the part of Lu Ann continues to be played by Repurposed Macy*s Mannequin No. 237.” –Sock Puppet

“The birds are well aware that Heathcliff’s elderly owner routinely spends his payday check on the biggest tab of LSD that he can afford.” –Wonkey the Monkey

“I hope Bull’s letter to the school board was truly vile, all ‘tiny penis’ this and ‘flabby vagina’ that, including dozens of photostats of his balls (done on the school’s machine!). And then after reading it, I hope they make him stay, because, what crueler punishment, right?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I’d have to say there is something weirdly menacing about a 7 year old boy showing an appreciation for the Allman Brothers Band.” –Brad

“Where does Heathcliff’s elderly owner go to work in enormous yellow shoes, a beret, and carrying a metal lunchbox? Clearly, Mr. Nutmeg isn’t just employed as a construction worker at the new Westfinster School of Clowning and Mime, he intends to be its first student.” –BigTed

“Momma doesn’t seem to mind fun-loving Francis bringing a gun into the house. Maybe that’s because it’s Thomas, the high-strung, responsible son, whom everyone expects to snap one day.” –BigTed

“It’s so tempting to lean his head back, mouth open, and simply let the rain drown him. Anything — anything! — would be better than going home to the black abyss that is his marriage. But courage these days comes in the form of alcohol, which would involve him having to leave the tender embrace of the cold rain. The major, meanwhile, doesn’t know whether to pity the old man or himself because he looks at the general and sees his future. If he stands there much longer, he’s going to grab the fossil and shove his head in that puddle, if only to end the both their nightmares. Lighthearted fare for a Saturday.” –Diana Lynn Paladin on Facebook

“Yeah, I’m wearing this uniform to impersonate — I mean honor our nation’s veterans. Not to pick up gullible women and possibly wind up with a venereal disease like a soldier from the time period this uniform is from. Nothing odd about this whole situation at all.” –rbmalpha

“No, Heathcliff is NOT fucking Hello Kitty. He’s fucking a Hello Kitty plush doll! Which is way more disturbing.” –Missal

“‘Is it something very personal of which you’re ashamed?’ ‘Yeah, dressing up as General Black Jack Pershing two days before Veterans Day. Oh, and also, masturbating into your carton of Coffee Rich while I was in that uniform.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Seeing Beetle Bailey’s big smug smile as Sarge mutters about his ‘sloppy service’ is the filthiest gay porn that’s ever been in comics.” –lorne

“This week’s guest artist in Mary Worth: M.C. Escher. Tune in tomorrow to see Wilbur eat a sandwich from both sides at the same time.” –Pozzo

“My nosal passages are all clogged up. It keeps the…oxyclean from getting to…my brain….muh…gggggg…zzzzzzzzzz” –pugfuggly

“Gotta love the hairy wrists on our chainsaw-wielding pal. As Sam proves in panel one, truly civilized men have perfectly smooth forearms, thank you very much.” –Joe Blevins

“Never mind the park job, I’m more freaked out by Mary’s bold-italic HELP EACH OTHER comment as she pantomimes cupping Sean’s balls.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“The savage beating she gave him wasn’t enough to break Jeffy’s will, but the perfume torture would surely make him talk. They always talk.” –Bradley

“Haha, Mary’s driven Hanna once, and she’s already decided it’s time to marry her off. A new husband will drive Hanna, and Mary will have satisfied the two major goals of any meddle: a heteronormative marriage, and no changes to Mary’s lifestyle ever.” –Enlong

“Today’s Hi and Lois is a profound statement on American drinking culture and how it encourages college kids to pursue drinking as an end in itself with empty promises of happiness, instead of teaching children to pursue happiness first, find fulfillment in their friends and activities and how adding alcohol can be a simple optional addition to that healthier and ultimately more satisfying lifestyle. I think it’s — what’s that? They have a chronic alcoholic character named Thirsty that they bring out for ‘laughs’ and bad ‘isn’t the drunk funny’ jokes?” –Comrade Dread