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As most of frigid North America warms up to just irritatingly gross typical winter weather, let’s heat things up with this comment of the week!

“There is about 450 times more passion in today’s Garfield than in Luann. ‘Oh, Quill, your blandness is perfectly acceptable.’ ‘Yes, Luann, you also apparently exist.'” –aphthakid

And the always hilarious runners up!

“Get down on your knees when the surgeon enters the room?’ I know I have a bad insurance plan but at least I get to pay for treatment in money.” –theironjef

“The multiple, seemingly actually redrawn Stanleys staring blankly up at a parade of doctors and nurses look like they’re going for the record of ‘Shittiest Six Differences Ever.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“Remember how we were all, ‘Gosh, this strip is called Funky Winkerbean but it’s all about mopey old Les. Sure wish it would go back to being about good ol’ smilin’ Funky’? Beware the monkey’s paw, people. The next wish will bring cancer.” –Esther Blodgett

“Well, things have changed in the past quarter century! For instance, the addition of handles on mugs, which allows me to enjoy this steaming hot cup of coffee without burning my tender digits. I sometimes forget about this amazing invention, as evidenced by my panel one holding of the mug in a way that causes searing pain and discomfort. Well, off to my job as someone who has the make the best judgement calls for the well-being of hundreds of people!” –Irrischano

“Everything is falling into place! Tommie should be on the left, I should be on the … wait, let’s put Tommie on the right, then I’ll go on the left … That’s my left, wait, I can’t be on the left of my left. Tommie, you… Whatev. Lu Ann is in the middle.” –Hogenmogen

“It’s funny because Crankshaft takes a peculiar delight in destroying life.” –TheDiva

“Everyone is quick to assume that ‘Massacre’ is some kind of chemical. I’m holding onto hope that Massacre is actually a masked-wrestler-for-hire who really hates weeds.” –survivor

“Like most right-thinking people, I often amuse myself by interpreting Jeff’s conversation as comprising little but bitingly sarcastic replies to what he quite justifiably perceives as the stupidest collection of utterances ever made by anyone, but you know, some days they just take the sport right out of it.” –Violet

“We never say ‘die’, we only say ‘sent to the Shadow Realm’ or ‘I can see their parachutes.'” –Chyron HR

“Santa Royale is the city that goes to bed right after NCIS, is unaware that The Today Show has a third hour since they have a little snooze around that time, and then takes a nap right after the noon news that lasts until Jeopardy! No wonder Mary is confounded by a place where you can get a roast beef sandwich, porno, and a pear at 3 a.m.” –Lily Sincere

“You know, they call Santa Royale ‘the city that gets a sensible eight hours of sleep every night’. Do you suppose it’s because the mattresses aren’t infested with bedbugs?” –Steve

“So will seedy guide dude forever bear the impression of plucky reporter gal’s ring on his jaw? Of course, a reverse impression of ‘Bryn Mawr’ isn’t that intimidating, but it does sound like it might be Bandar for something.” –cheech wizard

“Remembering back to her days as a spy in the Underground in Nazi Germany, Mary instinctively eats the evidence that proves her guilt.” –Baka Gaijin

“I think Mary is trying that old movie trick of altering her voice on the phone by talking through a piece of cloth. Does it work? Does it even make sense, given that she’s in the middle of a conversation with someone who already knows who she is? No, she’s just trying to amuse herself, insanely bored with talking to Dr. Jeff, ha ha.” –Doctor Mabuse

Spider-Man: “If — let’s say, hypothetically — I were attacked by a giant condom made out of iron, I don’t think I’d be throwing around words like ‘cocky.’ I’m just saying.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“What the hell did Mark THINK the scary noise was, that he’d be like, ‘Oh, cool, it’s just a huge bear. I was worried for a second.'” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hey, all, I have some comments of the admittedly truncated week for you, but first, a few items that I maybe should’ve gotten out of the way when I did my recap but oh well let’s do them now! First, I am on a new social media thingie, if you care about that: Instagram! You can follow me at joshreads there. Mostly it’ll be pics of random things I find funny/pretty, occasional horrifying comics panels, and very rare self-promotion. And then there are the other ones I’ve been on that you may or may not know about: Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Google+.

In non-self-promotion news, I have received an anecdote and some charming images from a faithful reader who wishes to remain anonymous:

I’m a reporter for a small newspaper. Every so often, cartoonists will send newspapers customized artwork to thank them for running their strips, which is a nice gesture, because the rights to newspaper comics are astonishingly expensive. If I’m not mistaken, our usual comics package costs nearly four grand per quarter.

My editor has collected a few of these pieces of art over the years, including a personalized autograph from Cathy (not Cathy Guisewite, but the titular noseless wonder herself). Friday at work, I was pleasantly surprised to find this Christmas card from Tom Batiuk in our office. I was particularly surprised since our paper doesn’t run either Funky Winkerbean or Crankshaft.

On the lovingly rendered card, the viewer gets to witness Ed Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean fighting over a Christmas tree like the miserable bastards that they are. Inside, we see that they have somehow managed to tear the tree in half with their bare hands. They have each taken half, and this perversion of the wisdom of King Solomon has left them briefly contented.

And, finally, faithful reader Wanders, proprietor of the beloved and amazing Mary Worth and Me blog, has put up the nominations for the 2013 Worthy Awards, and you can vote! Vote for Outstanding Floating Head, Most Beautiful Use of Nature, etc.!

And now, with that out of the way: Your comment of the week.

“Not now, Dennis. I’m watching the Delicate Ankle Bowl.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Hey, when you enlarge panels of Mary Worth, you can see the terrifying madness lurking behind the cracks in our reality! Fun!” –Majicou

“No, Margo, something much better: I learned how to turn Lu Ann into a handsome silver fox! Happy New Year!” –Chip

“I’d like to propose that As Friends Relax be the new title for this strip. It would take a lot of pressure off the writer to keep coming up with, you know, plots and stuff.” –Joe Blevins

“Obvs the Professor has been aged down to jump on this ‘hipster’ wagon that the creators have heard so much about. Hipsters have chin beards, right? And dark, soulless black eyes?” –Amber

“Not digging Tommie’s new hairdo” [next comment] “Either of them” –cooby

“They’re playing a sport where there’s a move called the finger-roll layup, and the best basketball-themed innuendo-about-your-sister they can come up with is, ‘nice moves?’ I don’t know if Gil can reach these kids. I don’t know if he should even try.” –Dan

“I’ve been very much off the grid for the holidays, so I’m only now getting back into checking in with Spider-Man. Not entirely sure what the setup was here though I’m going to assume that J. Jonah Jameson found an old discarded Iron Man suit which Tony Stark threw away due to all the radiation leaks it emitted. The bubbling tumors on the side of Jameson’s head in panel 2 verify my suspicions.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Mr. Jameson … you do know we don’t always have to Skype these things, right? It’s just … you do know you can wash a moustache, Mr. J, right? Just a little water, some shampoo? I’m sure it would look a thousand times better! Also, I’m questioning your decision to put this camera directly in Manbots anus, but there’s no real delicate way to put that.” –Tophat

“Dennis asks Henry to play with him only because all the batteries are dead. When Alice gets home, she will ask him the same thing just for the same reason.” –seismic-2

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Santa surely would regard this week’s top comment as … nice!

“If I am holding a pistol, ready to fire, and a large adult male approaches me to take my pistol, my first option will not be ‘somehow kick his head, even though it’s more than four feet above me, landing the kick so hard that my hat flies off.’ TL;DR: I have a lot of facial hair and am prepared to shoot Mark Trail center mass.” –Ed Dravecky

And there’s nothing naughty about these runners up!

“Doc Holliday? ‘List’ as an architectural term? Hoes? Billy is clearly a 70-year-old man trapped in a 7-year-old body, so if drawing atrocious puns can numb his anguish for just one Sunday, I say let him.” –Izzy

“Go ahead and mock FC’s terrible puns while you still can: Billy didn’t acquire a nuclear weapon to use as a lawn ornament.” –Nekrotzar

“That panel looks like the prelude to Heathcliff finally snapping and murdering the family. ‘Soon, cupcake. Soon it will be only us!'” –WCjobber

“The way that Ken is holding the slice of pizza in panel two suggests to me that he’s sliding it across his bearded face. Being a professional mugger interrupter, Ken knows that red smears around his mouth will strike fear into the hearts of New York City’s criminals. And and and, Mary really likes this pizza so it also ups the chances that she’ll rub her mouth near his mouth.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Having baited the fireplace with a cupcake and lit a fire, Heathcliff waits. Soon, it won’t matter who is or isn’t on the Naughty List.” –Robot Quasar

“Is there any way a New Yorker asks ‘how’s the pizza in X?’ that isn’t pompous and condescending? Is the next question going to be ‘How high is the architecturally necessary peak of the tallest building in Santa Royale?'” –Nekrotzar

“‘Food an’ drink’ seems about what you’d expect Loweezy to ask for (personally, I’d just be relieved it wasn’t ‘room an’ board’), but Elviney seems crestfallen, as though she expected the answer to be, ‘meaningful female companionship, an’ perhaps forbidden physical intimacy.'” –Doctor Handsome

“My going theory is that Santa is working up a Jughead-themed ventriloquist act and has had his elves build a tiny wooden vent figure called ‘Souphead’ to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits. (Jughaid v. Jughead is languishing in the courts after many decades of litigation.) You have to admit, this strip is written just like a ventriloquist act, with Santa dutifully feeding straight lines to a hideous little wise-cracking homunculus on his lap.” –Joe Blevins

“When I read this strip, I just assumed Santa had decided to start slinging insults at the kiddies. ‘Have you been a good boy all year, Souphead?’ ‘What would you like me to bring you, Numbnuts?’ ‘Hey, Snotbreath, did you see my reindeer parked outside?'” –Dr. Mabuse

Judge Parker: “I don’t know what to make of this strip. Half the time is seems to be nothing but rich people drinking wine and having differences of opinion over legal matters and literature, and then BAM! Suddenly we’re driving around in military-grade amour-plated cars. I had to look up what a 50 BMG was, and I’m dismayed to report that it’s a large cartridge for a heavy machine gun or a high-powered sniper rifle. Not that the Parkers have to know what that is, they just know that money means safety and security and they can leave the acronyms to the people throwing themselves in front of the machine-gun fire.” –pugfuggly

Luann: “I like to think the other girls talk to Luann only to confirm what college she’s going to, and then to make sure they don’t go to that college.” –S. Stout

“His newest elf will be named Jeffy, if by ‘Santa’ you mean the Malaysian textile manufacturer I’m selling you to.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.