“I think Momma is taking a Dadaist approach to its own work; a month ago the words were hand-written, but now they’re in Comic Sans. It’s like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa, except instead of the Mona Lisa it’s a crudely drawn elderly lady whose kids don’t like her.” –Alex Blaze

“Aside from plot, characterization, and character development, I feel that another thing missing from this story is an explanation of why Tommie and Carol only look at/talk to each other over their shoulders. The only thing I can think of is that this whole thing is really some kind experimental marathon theatrical performance in Central Park, a ‘Theater of the Banal’ played to an audience of disoriented drug addicts, dying dogs, and you, Dear Reader.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“Welcome to Parker Retirement Communities, the perfect place for your parents’ golden years. Dormitory-style housing, to keep a community close. Watch them race to get the top bunk! Farm-style eating, three times a day. The spry ones get to the head of the trough! And arts and crafts, to keep brains and fingers nimble. Where ‘more zippers, mule!’ isn’t just our slogan, it’s their way of life. That’s Parker Retirement Communities — look for us in low-tax industrial zones across America.” –Voshkod

“The thing that keeps pluggers from running for office is Sam Brownback’s 2009 bill prohibiting the creation of human-animal hybrids. But with his political star on the wane, perhaps the plugger’s time is finally nigh.” –Dan

“There’s just something wrong with the Apartment 3-G narrator saying ‘The days pass quickly…’ OMG, if only.” –Will C.

“So, you’re Les? Well, if you’ve crapped in your pants while crying, you can’t get in my car!” –Dr. Mabuse

“The only way this could possibly work would be for Mason’s ‘No way? Seriously?’ to be delivered in an incredibly sarcastic tone. ‘Look, buddy, I KNOW he’s you. I KNOW this is based on your own story. When I asked Who is he?, I meant, Who is he really? What’s the heart of the character? I was trying to get closer to the true Les, and you responded with an obvious, condescending remark treating me as if I were a moron. Huh…come to think of it, I guess you DID answer my question.” –Erich

“Hey, wanna come over and watch my cat go to the bathroom? I’ve got a fresh batch of lemonade and a giant, curtain-less picture window situated just perfectly to offer an unobstructed view. Be a shame to let ’em go to waste.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “June’s condition was revealed during Strippers & Clamfest, 2012. It’s apparently not the kind of pregnancy that results in a birth, more a curse Sarah placed on her.” –Downpuppy

“It was a proud moment for the comics editor when he insisted that the original caption, ‘Didn’t I tell you to have your defecating contest outside?’, be replaced with something less edgy.” –odinthor

“Momma needs to realize that this joke just might fail someday. She’ll set up it up by saying her husband’s death left an emptiness, and her date will respond with ‘Help me out here, are we sitting on chairs or are we both wearing capes? Hey, yours just vanished into thin air. Can mine do that, too? I’d really like to go home now.'” –made of wince

“Why did you overturn my limousine? Who are you? You’re right, the next question I was going to ask was ‘why do they call you that?’ Then it would be ‘Do you live around here?’, ‘What do you think of Lebron going back to Cleveland?’ and ‘Hot enough for ya?'” –hogenmogen

“‘I shouldn’t be running away from a giraffe,’ thinks the Lion. ‘I have my pride.'” –Peanut Gallery

“Rosa’s hair makes me nervous. I keep thinking it’s going to reproduce on its own.” –Poteet

“‘What’s the color of the sky in your world?’ ‘Gray. We’re dogs, idiot.'” –seismic-2

Archie: “Maybe Archie could become Thor. ‘Halt, evildoer, lest I book dates with thee and thy best friend on the same eve!'” –Malice Acher

“Luke, I am your father, John Darling.” –Red Greenback

“Gil has personally won pity trophies for ‘Congeniality’ and ‘Swimsuit Competition.’ He also had one for ‘World’s Greatest Dad,’ but his kids insisted on a paternity test, and since he failed he had to give it back.” –Shrug

Judge Parker: “The Driver-Spencers don’t get bored; they have people to do that for them.” –Horace Broon

“‘Holy crapping pancakes, it’s an enraged buffalo! Lori’snotreallyintoyouIthinkyouneedtobroadenyourhorizonsthereareplentyofotherfishintheseaRUN!!‘” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“Mark: ‘Run! It’s a Cape Buffalo stampede!’
Dirty: ‘Of course it’s a Cape Buffalo stampede! What other kind of buffalo are there in Africa?!’
Mark: ‘I was just trying to be specific!’
Dirty: ‘If you wanted to be specific you could have said “Run! its a stampede of syncerus caffer!“‘
Mark: ‘I was going to but I wasn’t sure you knew Latin!’
Dirty: ‘Look, my point is that you could have yelled “Run! Buffalo Stampede!” or just “Stampede!” The “Run!” part is implied during a bloody stampede! Brevity is the important part when warning somebody about a stampede, not what genus is stampeding! That’s my point.’
Mark: ‘Fine. Run! Stampede! Happy now?!’
Dirty: ‘Yes! Thank you!'” –Mikey

“Team Tracy is ignoring the real dangers of time-travel stories: the grandfather paradox. Time-loops. Violation of conservation laws. Worst of all, the dire, horrid threat of creating a Time Maid. Kill them both, Sam!” –Droopy Says

“That fucking Daddy Warbucks — first conflict profiteering and now, HE WANTS ME LUCKY CHARMS.” –Dennis Jimenez

Luann: “‘You have an assistant? Interesting. As your boss, I would expect that you would ask me first before hiring anyone. Especially with the Feds cracking down on unpaid internships.’
‘That’s OK, she is being paid in-kind with Vegamite sandwiches and false promises of physical intimacy.’
‘Great. That will make the FICA calculations even more interesting. What is 6.25% of a false promise of physical intimacy?’
‘One panel out of a week’s worth of Brad and Toni strips?'” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Any bets on what his bumper sticker says?” –tallyHO

“Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Batman.”
“My Other Car is a Shitbox too.”
“The Original 40-year-old Virgin.”
“If You See My Wife, Give Her a Hand.” –Rusty

“If this car’s a-rockin’… Just kidding, this car is never rockin.” –revenge4aldo

“Quick! Let’s hide beneath the tallest tree we can find! That large piece of sheet metal I dragged along will protect us!” –rbmalpha

“Here’s a pitch, TV execs. Crank as Matlock in a gritty reboot. Not a lovable smart guy who defends the innocent, but someone who actually commits crimes. Would also work for Murder, He Wrote.” –WeatherServo9

Apartment 3-G: “Watching Ellen slip away was hard for me. That’s why I have the face of an eighty-year-old crack whore.” –TheDiva

“I don’t know how they can do it, Mr. Fruhlinger, but the Department of Homeland Security said you can only release The Enthusiast in this government-approved version. Oh, and someone from the Department named Donna A. Lewis wanted me to ask you, ‘how does it feel, be-yotch?.'” –gelded wildebeeste

“Unable to live in a world without Olive, Mary dives into the pool hoping to kill herself.” –Liam

“□ Six-month getaway in Italy
□ Romance with (putatively) hunky English pilot
□ Said pilot’s death
✔ Week torturing stranger by not disclosing that ‘baby’ = ‘fawn’” –pastordan

“Good ol’ Momma, refusing to have sex on her first date with Hitler.” –Name?

“That’s not your ‘spider-sense’, it’s your ‘photographer-sense.’ C’mon, look through the viewfinder! Focus! Focus! it’s telling you, Arg, you’re taking pictures of the pavement!!” –pugfuggly

“I love Shoe’s looks of disgust in panels three and five. He’s essentially the stand-in for the reader. It’s as if the writer knows this is a lame-ass joke but just barrels through it while letting the reader know that it’s okay to not laugh.” –Shran

“I think Abbott would be a much better writing consultant for Les’s screenplay than for Alan’s. Inserting a revenge-fueled cycle of violence and betrayal that escalates to a murderous game of cat and mouse in a Central American jungle would improve Lisa’s Story immeasurably for the cable audience. And it would be bound to make Les’s character seem more likable.” –Master Softheart

A3G: “I am hoping that this wacky misunderstanding continues with CPS being called and ending with one of the three women being physically detained. I don’t care which one, honestly I want all of them to be taken away in handcuffs.” –Currer Bell

“That plugger verbally italicizes Victoria’s Secret because it’s the sexy undies store where his granddaughter and her friends shop and one time he peeked in there on his way from the Shoes & Socks store to the bathroom and he’ll never, ever, ever get over the shame.” –BigTed

“A close-up shot of squirrel with silhouetted figures in the distance? A cartoonishly cruel bearded man? Could this be the Mary Worth / Mark Trail crossover we never knew we always wanted?!” –Izzy

“I didn’t know Sansabelt even made swim trunks.” –Esther Blodgett

“Am I wrong to wax nostalgic for a time when at least a few Snuffy Smith characters used the fronts of their mouths for talking?” –Dr. Mabuse

“Trixie’s teddy bear is missing an eye and the quilt predates the war, so I think the joke is that the blind has holes. Hahaha, since the collapse of the housing market, Lois is poor! What a laff riot!” –Alex Blaze

“Carol distracts Tina long enough for Tommie to sneak up behind her and dump a glass of water on her head. When you live in Happiness Falls, you have to make your own fun.” –gelded wildebeeste

“Don’t forget that Les is in California too. While I like the idea of all these Funky characters dying in the Big One Quake, I also like the possibility that Les will have to attend a Lust for Lisa panel at ComicCon and in a fit of despair, blow his brains all over these three sitting in the first row.” –merde

“‘See, Tina, the ‘baby’ is actually a deer that I’ve raised in the Manhattan apartment I share with two roommates, but now I’m keeping her in the back seat of my car while I work here in Happiness Falls as a stable hand instead of at my job as a nurse in Manhattan General Hospital!’ ‘Ah, I see! How silly of me! It all makes perfect sense now!'” –seismic-2

“In a comic strip filled with overweight beast creatures who wear human clothing, this news story actually reads like an account of a police raid on the reptile people who inhabit their world. Ever since those miners discovered the entrance to the hollow earth and the reptoids began pouring out, plugger society has been going steadily to shit.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I’ve been afraid to ask you why you slosh when you walk. Now I know. You’re a protoplasmic ur-being, just like me! Come closer and let us combine our forms into something greater.” –Voshkod

“I have a different take on today’s Momma. This is not merely any empty white void resulting from a lazy artist’s desire to not draw background. No. This is the afterlife. This is the great beyond, the waiting room for the afterlife. For you see, Momma’s children were her first victims, nagged to death then made to sit and wait for her to join them for surely her turn would come sooner rather than later. Instead they must sit and watch as others join them, lining up and sitting down. Nagged to death. Relentlessly. The queue grows ever larger. Ever longer. Until they realize in their horror that she gains sustenance from it. Nagging people to death gives her new life. New purpose. The world is doomed to be nagged unto oblivion, and nothing can stop it.” –drekal

“And the Angel Mary appears today as the receptionist in Dr. Kapuht’s office. It’s only Olive who knows that the night angel, the Kapuht angel, and the flower fairies are but dimensions of Mary’s immanence. The last one who came close was John the Baker but he thought that Mary resembled the Beauty of Nature, not that the Beauty of Nature resembles Mary. So he got handed the mitten. Now the child Olive must die, or the child must live. But it is in Mary’s hands alone.” –Gabacho