“Hi is in sales? He is the dourest sales guy ever. He’s the opposite of Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. A B C: Always Be Crying.” –Lawyerbob

” I’d say that Dawn is attracted to men like her father, but I simply can’t imagine Wilbur having the gall to tell someone else to wipe their mouth, or even knowing it was something people did.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z’: Wilson closes his eyes and daydreams of the buzzsaw cutting through Dennis’ torso.” –Hibbleton

“God damn it Slylock, don’t google the answer in front of everyone.” –Dan Carroll

“Wait, Pardon My Planet has been set in North Carolina this whole time? Did I miss the strip where our cast of depressed post-hippie Gen X hipsters go to a Panthers game or obsess about the Wright Brothers or [third North Carolina stereotype not found].” –Schroduck

“I think the real question here is why, if Burford Bear found the chest of coins in Death Valley yesterday, he’s showing them off in a completely different area today. Death Valley is famously hot and dry, and, like much of California, experienced very little rainfall over the past year. Yet the pictured location is nothing but greenery as far as the eye can see! Combine that with the fact that a large trunk full of gold coins would weigh hundreds of pounds — heck, even the chest itself seems to be made of pure gold! Did Burford really transport it here overnight, then drag it out to the side of a secluded road, away from any onlookers or cars? Why does the supposedly professional news cameraman have no idea how to position his camera for a good shot? Honestly, I think this is all an elaborate scheme in which someone is about to get whacked. Does Max have heavy gambling debts? I bet Max has heavy gambling debts.” –BigTed

“Josh, Josh, Josh. As the world’s foremost Dark Hi and Lois connoisseur, I … God this is literally true. I should rethink my life. Anyway, look how unhappy they are! This rocks!” –matt w

“Dagwood looks so stunned at Dithers stealing the whole case of pastries. Is it like a ‘Eating way too much is my thing’ identity crisis or did he somehow never imagine the possibility of one man trying to shove down [squints at art, making optimistic estimation] eight? eclairs while they’re still hot?” –Amelie Wikström

“I’m trying to gauge how big Hi’s responsibilities are. Is he tasked with sales in the eastern part of the town? The eastern part of the state? The East Coast? Or the East, meaning all the realms outside Christianity that the Pope assigned to Portugal in the Treaty of Tordesillas? Because these things are very different!” –Ettorre

“Blondie is trying to get in on this whole Inception fad with a visualization of a visualization. I hope in a few years as that other woman is telling a co-worker about a past job, we get her visualization of this scene with both other visualizations intact.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Josh, just wanted to say thank you for bringing Alice into our lives. As a long time reader, sometimes I think I’ve seen it all in the funny pages, but Alice proves to me that actually I know nothing and I’m an idiot. For years we’ve seen instances of comics that don’t really add up or make sense, but now I’m realizing, maybe they never had to! It’s kind of like hearing grunge for the first time.” –Maggie

“Well, we can’t agree on much as Americans these days, but I think we can all agree that Dagwood totally fucked their wedding cake.” –Old Man Shadow

“My favorite detail of this is that the witch on TV looks so depressed. She’s been a witch so long that she’s just over it, and she’s discovered that the only real magic in this world is day drinking.” –Joe Blevins

“The witch is pouring the poison into a traditional cauldron filled with some sort of ominous brew, but the beleaguered wife is using it to season a salad. I appreciate a cook who is able to adapt to whatever they have on hand.” –TheDiva

“I was a teacher for many years. I can attest that the only thing that would cause me to remember a parent from a conference is if they were remarkably unpleasant. So, yes, this tracks. Good job with the realism!” –McCapwell

“There is no in-universe storytelling reason this guy needs to be in his underwear, ergo we must assume the artist just wanted to draw a lot of body hair that day.” –Rex Thrillho, on BlueSky

“Hopefully the rich, green tones in Jeffy’s bedroom are achieved with arsenic.” –nescio

“Having a kid hampers adults ability to do things like visit friends or engage in hobbies requiring attention like reading. Jenny throwing out the books, totems of a time when Jeff had free time for good narratives or exploring interesting topics, is his personal burning of the Library of Alexandria. Now even his past pleasures have been taken over by that wretched child.” –Philip

“OK, I’ve never thought about this before, but do each of the four Keane Kids have their own separate bedrooms? If so, does the priority list for storytime vary throughout the day based on who has displeased their parents the least? That would explain why Jeffy is nodding off; he’s been riding the bottom tier for weeks now, and it’s after 11:30 before Ma or Pa make an appearance. Dolly keeps requesting middle chapters of Moby-Dick just to twist the knife.” –Navigator

“You are among at least two friends! I mean, the waitress was pretty friendly, right? And also … let’s see … the building’s HVAC unit! That’s a friend you can always count on!” –Nekrotzar

“I don’t want to appear jealous … jealous of Dirk for finding Dawn’s nerd side! Dawn never wanted to talk about Star Wars with me, but to Dirk she’s ‘nerdgirl’?! Wait until my incel subreddits hear about how the alpha chads cucked me this time!” –Schroduck

“Dirk’s a boisterous, selfish lout. Jared is an emotionally manipulative manchild who can’t let go of an ex. When do they rub magic rings together and form ‘Captain Wilbur?’” –Where’s Rocky?

“How ’bout a spin-off cartoon about The Bribegiver, that fellow in the blue tunic who has brought a wheelbarrow full of gold across this criminal wasteland all by himself, unprotected (catch phrase: ‘I’ll catch up with you later, boys!’) and now stands, smug and self-satisfied, twiddling his thumbs on his well-fed belly?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Comics that I thought would reach the ‘Clean Wehrmacht’ myth before Dick Tracy: Frazz (‘Actually, ignorant children, the German Army…’), 9 Chickweed Lane (introducing new ‘sexy Aryan’ character), Crock (Crock gets orders from Admiral Darlan to work with the Germans), Mary Worth (Dawn falls for an elderly German man), Dennis the Menace (Mister Wilson defends his time in the Waffen SS), Garfield (‘I hate Monday and Nazis, but not everyone who fought was…’)” –Voshkod

“You know who else thinks it’s weird that the only guest at Mr. Wilson’s birthday party is their 5-year-old neighbor? Dennis’ parents. But not enough to come over themselves, and join in this extremely sad celebration. Dennis is definitely fine, probably!” –BigTed

“Dirk isn’t afraid to verbally abuse his girlfriend of like 10 days, but he’s apparently afraid of leg day.” –LTJpezcore1

“For you depraved furries who might well make up close to half of Pluggers’ fanbase, here’s the hot, sexy, bare-shouldered middle-aged chicken-woman action you’ve always wanted.” –Morgan Wick

“Today, what I learned is that Loweezy even wears her ubiquitous headscarf to bed, donning a cute frilly sleeping hat on top of it. Also, possibly, that the artists of Barney Google & Snuffy Smith aren’t actually sure what Loweezy’s head is supposed to look like underneath said scarf.” –Kevyn on Video

“It’s good to know that even though she’s a backwoods hillbilly, Loweezy knows the difference between ‘yo’re’ and ‘yore.’” –Weaselboy

“I think the thing I’m loving is that ‘He’s just boring!’ is suddenly considered a bad thing in the Rexverse, instead of an aspiration goal, with the icing on the cake being that the thing this dude is babbling on about, restoring vintage cars, is the obsession of her daughter’s boyfriend. Ha, in your face, Niki! Even the narrative thinks you’re boring as shit!” –2+2=7

“See, Summer? If you’d taken up a hobby, YOU could be the conversation hog on this date!” –MKay

“You’d think that a comics based entirely on NASCAR would have exhausted the jokes years ago, but then you read Gearhead Gertie and it turns out you’re right.” –Ettorre

“I think it’s kind of sad that the babies (and animals?) in this strip seem to have telepathic powers, but waste it communicating bullshit like this.” –pugfuggly

“BLONDIE: Ooh, I’ll have to remember that! That’s great, did you come up with it?
SALESWOMAN (working on commission): Yep.” –Dan

“But if countless tales have taught me nothing else, now is the time for Tina to humanize this Greg, Enkidu-style, that he may enjoy wine, and bread, and human pleasures. Until Greg runs amok across NYC, climbs the Empire State Building, and is gunned down by biplanes.” –A Grave Mind

“Blondie sours on the deal when the clerk uses a comma splice.” –Hibbleton

“So Blondie, a small business owner who earns her own money, is concerned about her husband learning how much she spent on a nice dress. Dagwood, an office drone who alone consumes as much food in a single day as an average large family and golfs, a notoriously expensive hobby. Helen Reddy is spinning in her grave.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“As an Xer, I find Joey’s Thom Browne-inspired skinny jeans and exposed ankles look unnerving and a bit gauche. On the other hand, I’m comforted by his classic low top Chuck’s and his ‘dude, let’s go’ posture. Menacing? No, he’s exuding self-confidence and risk taking while Dennis goes back to the socks + overalls well yet again.” –Bull City

“How is a vision problem that bad corrected with contact lenses? There must be an audible squeak every time she blinks.” –pugfuggly

“Shoe could have suggested saving on overhead by mooching off a neighbor’s wi-fi, since that’s apparently what he’s doing. Unless he has some kind of treethernet.” –astroboy

“Wilbur walking back from the airport, wearing a sombrero, arms loaded with luggage, clumsily bumps into Dirk knocking him in front of a city bus is probably the only solution to this story line that doesn’t require real insight.” –Hibbleton

“Shoe is written for the rapidly-dwindling audience that still considers the internet a fad. Once the last member of that audience finally, finally dies of extreme old age, Shoe will only continue for another 10 or 15 years. Meanwhile, Curtis will continue to comfort those who still consider rap music a fad. And Snuffy Smith will do so for … electricity, I guess? Do they have electricity?” –Joe Blevins

“[Attenborough voice] Sam now confronts Alan. The startled Judge responds instinctively, mirroring the posture of the aggressive younger male. With his dominance reinforced, the storyline can now return to its previously peaceful boring state.” –BarflyLS20

“Let me tell you a story … ‘In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit’ … [twenty-seven hours later] ‘He drew a deep breath. Well, I’m back, he said.’ What? I thought a nerdgirl like you would appreciate a classic.” –Voshkod

“Look, Ketcham & Kompany, I appreciate the stab at verisimilitude, but honestly, you only needed to shadow the under-the-bed area. Because as it is now, it looks like only thing in this room that hasn’t pissed itself is your titular character, and while frankly I wouldn’t put it past Joey to just let ‘er rip wherever he happens to be standing, I don’t need to think that either a) the shoes, toy truck, etc. have evolved bladders or b) Joey made sure to hit everything in the room while Dennis was making up a reason to wear socks like the simp he is.” –els

“Dirk has learned to weaponize therapy speak to manipulate people even further. Mary will be stuck in a conundrum: Should game respect game, or is it right to feel jealous at a younger competitor?” –Philip

“You’re worried about the relationship between Bitsy and Marvin. Me? I’m worried about how the dog eats with those enormous molars. How does he even close his mouth?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Here’s Exhibit A in my IP lawsuit against Hanna-Barbera, who owe me millions for Muttley.” –ValdVin

“Whatever that thing is, it’s in front of the trees, so I’d estimate its size as … Wait, am I trying to draw conclusions about Alice based on the laws of perspective? Never mind.” –Horace Broon

“She had selflessly left a kitchenware party to tend to my grievous wounds. ‘Just call me Angel of the Corning, she cooed.’” –Bob Tice

“‘I awoke in Heaven…’ Wait, this was when you had just committed crimes, before your redemption. You mean that you can go to Heaven, whatever your deeds? The Phantom runs on Calvinism!” –Ettorre

“The chin is weird, but I’m struck by the glum expressions all around. Did someone notice that there are six plates, but only five forks, and no napkins whatsoever?” –Charterstoned

“Do the Keane kids HAVE that many grandparents? Or did they just invite a nearby nursing home to party?” –MKay

“You think you’ve earned a little fourth-wall break, Curtis? Huh? You think you’re fuckin’ Bushmiller-era Nancy? Is that it?” –Dan

“Frankly I can’t think of a more apt dilemma for a Rex Morgan character than ‘I want to do something interesting, but it’s just so haaaaaaard!’” –TheDiva