“Today’s Shoe is actually a clever remark on the tradeoffs of civilization. We grant the sovereign a monopoly on the legitimate use of force out of the fear of violent death that is omnipresent in the state of nature, understanding that we thereby create NEW risks if such concentrated power is misused by an ill-constituted sovereign. And so it is with the birds in Shoe — in the state of nature Senator Belfry would face no risk of falling down the stairs, because he is a bird and can fly, but he gave up that for the greater overall security that comes from wearing clothes over his wings to do stupid bits.” –James

“Of course, it would be great if anyone in the family’s younger generation ever got an A on a test or some kind of sports honor, or even a congratulatory letter, that could be posted on the refrigerator. But until that day comes, at least Hi can laugh at slightly worse kids, like Dennis the Menace, or long-departed losers like Charlie Brown. Bet their refrigerators are sad as heck!” –BigTed

“And then Dennis got expelled from Heaven for rebelling against God. It was all covered in John Milton’s Dennis the Menace.” –Liam

“All of time and space are converging on a single point: Crankshaft’s grill. He’ll need to detonate it to jumpstart a new universe.” –Johnny lt

“All of my issues with the new art style in Gil Thorp can be forgiven now that we have been given the gift of Colonel Clambake. Is he stealing a new type of valor now???” –M. histrionica, on BlueSky

“The first rule of Plugger Fight Club is that no-one remembers about Plugger Fight Club.” –pugfuggly

“Finally, some good news from Pluggers! If it bleeds, we can kill it!” –Ettorre

“You can tell Phil’s hip and stylish because he’s wearing a black t-shirt under a sport coat. Luann? Sleek and sophisticated in her little black dress, with a pop of color! Mrs. Horner is experienced and comfortable in her black cardigan. Bernice, as is his practice, wears the colors of our Savior’s passion year-round. Can you guess which one of these people will die a virgin? (Spoiler: they all will, this is Luann.)” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Lets all get to know each other better, people I see pretty much every goddamn day!” –2+2=7

“In the Luann universe, inviting a bunch of people over to eat lasagna is the closest you can get to an orgy.” –ectojazzmage

“In most jurisdictions, police cars are white and covered in lights and reflective panels so they can speed relatively safely through traffic. But why give away your position to criminals like that? Better to just paint your police car charcoal black all over, including the headlights. On balance, the extra road deaths are slightly outweighed by the extra criminal deaths!” –Schroduck

“Shan’t leave this evidence behind, wouldn’t be cricket now, would it? Her Majesty dasn’t even think of such a thing, God Save Her. Anyway, the bobbies are on the way, pip pip, old boy, and toodles to the incriminating little blighters. Man, why did I wait so long to get in line at villain college. That’s why I ended up as British Internal Monologue Man. Well, at least I beat out old Billy and didn’t end up as Cockney Rhyming Boy, or I’d be right Brahms and Liszt!” –Voshkod

“Mary Worth’s grey vegan lasagna or Belle Batsfry’s colorful, poisoned lasagna: which would you eat?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I always keep the salt and pepper shaker 3 feet away because my food is wonderful on its own.” –beer farmer

“‘I’m glad to have your company, Dawn,’ Mary says, as if she is some helpless shut-in, when she is in fact omnipresent and omnipotent.” –Violet

“‘This date is going great!,’ thinks Dustin. ‘She’s so concerned about my appearance that she hasn’t noticed my personality yet.’” –Nevin, on Patreon

“These strips are so unrealistic. Niki thinking far enough in advance to reserve a table? And doing it successfully? Preposterous.” –Hibbleton

“Lady, the two of you have the exact same face except you’re wearing lipstick. Let’s not throw stones here.” –Dan

“‘Going to Lou’s to see Big Sandy’ sounds vaguely mob-related. Especially when combined with a job as a mechanic. What if Niki joins the mob as a goodfella? What if it ropes in Rex and he gets blackmailed to be a mob doctor? What if interesting and bonkers Rex Morgan plot twists happened in the strip instead of just in my brain?” –Drew Funk

“If you’re the kind of snobby high-brow whose idea of art is a framed square of neon pink, you deserve to be torn apart by a furry cult.” –Schroduck

“I like that Dustin’s dad seems to have jumped straight into his flower defense the second he stepped in the door. ‘What are you looking at? It’s not unusual for me to bring home flowers for your mother! I have a well-established pattern of buying flowers for her! No, what would be weird was if I didn’t buy flowers for her, because I knew some kind of tragedy had befallen her, in which I might be involved. But I have no such knowledge, so all of this is very normal! Boy, look at the time: 5:18. Yes, I am back in the house at 5:18, which is at least 35 minutes from the quarry…’” –pugfuggly

“I was going to say this lack of realism didn’t matter because Mary Worth readers don’t know anyone in their early twenties, but then I remembered that’s exactly who staffs their assisted living facilities.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Why does Meg look so smugly satisfied in panel three? My guess is that she has an entire, surprisingly-popular subreddit devoted to her parents’ terrible marriage, and she can’t wait to tell them all about this latest pathetic incident.” –Joe Blevins

“I assume Andy Capp is unqualified to be a human statue because he starts to get the DT shakes if he goes without beer for more than hour.” –Guts Dozier

“Murder at the Bookstore Burning? Isn’t that just ‘arson?’ Arson in the Addlepate’s Attic. That one’s for free.” –Voshkod

“The ironic part is that they’re all lining up to buy Lillian’s book just so they can burn it.” –Cleveland Mocks

“And just like that, helpless, whiny Summer is all blasé and cool. ‘Just my stalker, who got murdered by some dying guy, who then gave my new boyfriend his truck. No biggie.’”–MKay

“This is my friend Mike. He’s a six-year-old middle-aged trucker from 1975.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Does Summer think that her daughter would hear about the murder and just brush it off? Kelly might be a former rebel turned milquetoast moll, but she’s not a soulless Morgan child.” –Needless Exposition

“That a man joined the army without knowing its basic function and still rose to the rank of one-star general is only slightly less believable than that man is also a bird.” –Hibbleton

“‘Holy cow, somebody sure screwed up the line breaks in this epitaph.’ ‘Oh well! No biggie, it’s not carved in — aw, nuts.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Chicken marsala is never very good. It’s the least interesting of the Italian-American scaloppina dishes. Just sautéed chicken in a reduced sauce of Marsala wine, garlic, and a hella lot of butter. Alice’s Mom’s secret ingredient was that she spit in it.” –Ukulele Ike

“You really want that chicken marsala recipe? Dig then! You’ll find it in my cold, dead hands. Bon appétit!… unless this is completely the wrong grave. Kind of hard to be sure in this cemetery where names aren’t used on headstones.” –Umma

“Hi! I’m a wacky, fun-loving (and slightly murderous) character who just traveled across the country unannounced for a fling! Also, I’m a woman in a Mary Worth comic, so I’m going to spend every evening of that spontaneous vacation cooking dinner!” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I kinda thought that the zzzzzs were the cars, and that Harold had found the blessed white light of death, sans Gertie. Keep trying, Harold.” –A Grave Mind

“Gearhead Gertie being strongly against F1 is such an interesting move to me. It’s the only comic I can think of about motorsports, but they’ve chosen to alienate a big chunk of motorsports enthusiasts. It would be like if Gil Thorp refused to acknowledge hockey as a sport, or if every Sunday Rex Morgan, M.D., strip was dedicated to his unending disdain for gastroenterologists.” –Tristan Olson

“I can’t stop wondering why Dawn’s hair is flying out behind her but Wilbur’s combover is just staying glued to his scalp, even though they’re both rushing to the living room at the same speed. It’s come to this.” –Charterstoned

“You can tell this romance is real because Kelly literally forgets about her boyfriend’s existence while talking to other people and when reminded of it says dully, ‘Oh, yeah. Him.’ Romeo and Juliet, move over! There’s a new standard for pure, eternal love in town!” –Chance

“In the black-and-white version in our local dead tree, I thought the picture was of Washington crossing the Delaware. Good to see I can get a full-color version on Komics Kondom and realize it’s a bowl of flowers crossing the Delaware.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“If that tire trick actually works, which is doubtful, maybe Slylock should use it to liberate the chest full of gold doubloons and assorted treasures from the sunken pirate ship that’s just sitting there a few yards away, instead of bothering with the hundred bucks or so worth of quarters that a now-drowned criminal (RIP) swiped from the local arcade. Ah, well, no one ever claimed he was the world’s greatest detective. Oh, he did? I don’t know what to tell you, then.” –BigTed

“From his expression, it looks like Dagwood is celebrating the coincidence of Easter with 4/20 this year.” –Logar the Librarian

“Slylock first tied his special Scuba Cape around Max and the sack, then he cleverly pulled the cord on Max’s emergency ascent vest causing him to shoot to the surface with the treasure, this action requiring an emergency visit to the Forest Decompression Chamber. Max did not survive but the Forest Penny Collection tripled in size that day.” –Mikey

“Look at my hands! There’s a normal number of fingers! We are not AI, someone put effort into drawing us! But why?!” –Ettorre

“College may be expensive, but I don’t know why the Flagstons are worried. Their smartest child is a baby that thinks a square of sunlight is her friend. Buy that hot sports car, you won’t regret it.” –Schroduck

“Teachers don’t really wear little name tags like that, do they? The school brought in a rep from a travel agency, didn’t they? I smell kickback!” –Pozzo

“A map of Italy that excludes Milan, Venice, Sicily and Sardinia: pretty menacing. Standing up so fast that your chair flies off-panel: also menacing.” –Guts Dozier

“I wouldn’t have thought it possible to make a complaint as valid as ‘you made me witness a murder’ sound whiny and entitled, but here we are.” –Lauralot

“‘Darling, I know you face whatever may come, that’s your way’ is the most stilted compliment on a partner’s oral sex skills I’ve ever read.” –nescio

“Abbey knows how to get through unpleasant conversations: beige wine and plenty of it.” –Joe Blevins

“George has already prepared for playing chess against Henry by making sure he took a double dose of Vicodin. It’s a winning strategy, except when it involves actually playing chess.” –Needless Exposition

“Budget cuts mean the Thorps can only afford an 8-point SLAM for their door.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“DAWN: ‘You’re a good friend, Cathy. Thanks for that.’ CATHY: ‘I actually have a lot going on in my life too. Yesterday–‘ [dial tone]” –Dan

“Does lying down and having a CBD gummy count as doing yoga? It does if you have cancer! Wait, that’s the joke, isn’t it, the lady has end-stage ovarian cancer and this is all she can do to manage the nausea caused by her medications?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Uh oh, Dawn: are you taking advice from someone who is not the titular character of this strip? I hope that’s a burner phone.” –pugfuggly

“‘You’re a terrific person!’ declares Dawn’s best/only friend, proving that she doesn’t know Dawn that well at all.” –TheDiva

“Two years later, Summer and Augie get a bill from the impound yard when the cops release the truck as evidence. ‘That’ll be $11,000.00, please.’” –Hibbleton

“The creative staff at Red Morgan, M.D. worked too hard learning to draw a Ford F150 extended cab to just throw away those acquired skills.” –Philip

“If you have to offer incentives to get people to stay during your murder confession, it is way too long and rambled, sir.” –Quiggle

“The Perfesser’s ‘Fitbit’ is the bit he does where he dramatically clicks his tongue and shakes his head solemnly while adding a mark to the office whiteboard every time Shoe has a fit, and it’s directly responsible for two of today’s five.” –BananaSam