“Sorry, Dennis is 5. He does not have an opinion on piano playing ability or prefer some classical performances to others. The only music he likes is hyperspeed dance remixes of Mr. Beast videos.” –Schroduck

“The more Herb nags him, the more Jamal spitefully adds ingredients which break dietary rules for every religion.” –Hibbleton

“In the first panel, Dennis and Joey look like a couple of hit men that Margaret is about to hire. ‘Hello, boys — Mr. Wilson hasn’t been keeping up his protection payments. I wants you should … persuade him.’” –Pozzo

“We’ve all been there before, flailing around for the noun to cap off that adjective as the sentence is unraveling. ‘My two favorite … people? birds? creatures? men? beings? lovers? … uh, entities?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The next day, Toby is wiping down the conference room where she and Ian … have their meetings? Do their taxes? Roleplay ‘horny professor and grad student who can’t keep their hands off each other after a riveting seminar’? In any case, another bird has shown up — which would be a boring development, except it allows us to see that her two-story condo is above the treetops for some reason.” –BigTed

“Yes … bird number two … that sums up this strip pretty well.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Sorry I missed Christmas. I’m running a little late. Escaped from prison? Oh, no no no. I’m a ghost. You know … I wear the bucket hat I forged in life, and all that. Anyway, you will be haunted by three spirits … look, I’d better come in so you can close your door. No sense both of us catching our death of cold, heh heh!” –Peanut Gallery

“Wasn’t Ann in prison for white-collar shit like fraud? Why is Katherine reacting like she’s speaking to a serial killer? ‘OH GOD, PLEASE DON’T EMBEZZLE ME, I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!’” –ectojazzmage

“You know it’s good soul food because it gives you soul-searching instead of just heartburn.” –Ettore Costa, on BlueSky

“Did you know cocaine was used as an anesthetic in eye surgery? I bring it up because it’s more interesting than anything happening in this strip.” –Lauralot

“The real science here is that a 3 foot by 6 inch cylindrical hole in sand is prone to spontaneous collapse, they probably don’t have time to slowly fill it in. Things don’t look good for Chester.” –nescio

“As absolutely no one under the age of, like, 43 is going to a Masters Of The Universe movie, are the dipshits in Intelligent Life actually … pluggers? Are these two terrible streams crossing? Is THAT why this bleeding, screaming vortex has appeared in my closet? I’d really like my towels back.” –A Grave Mind

“Lip positioning indicates that Thing 1 and Thing 2 are whistling coherent sentences in the second panel of Generic Geek Comic #8, which is far more impressive than a He-Man movie, as it at least takes talent, or at least dolphin DNA.” –Voshkod

“Checking my search history after Garfield gives the phone back:

8:03 lasagna
8:04 lasagna recipe pictures
8:05 big lasagna
8:06 big lasagna extra toppings
8:10 lasagna two cats at the same time
8:17 clean tomato sauce couch how
8:22 blame mess dog strategies
8:25 bury dog yard legal in city limits
8:27 fbi cia hide search history” –TheRealAaron

“Thank god they called him or he would have had a full revelation about the effects of long waits for medical treatment on the patient. Instead, he can just keep thinking the irritated people he sees are just ungrateful and pissy naturally.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“Sorry Ann, your attempt as a parolee to bring the strip back to legal topics is too late, they’ve sunk too far into an alcoholic governmental assassin state.” –CanuckDownSouth

“Don’t you lie, Rex Morgan narration box. June is very much checked out.” –matt w

“I believe that as a parolee, Ann is required to not associate with known felons, like, you know, Judge Parker Sr., but maybe it’s for the best. Once she learns that her brother went missing searching for his assassin wife; that her felon father is a hopeless, bitter alcoholic; that her step-mom is a useless enabler; and that her too-old-for-her-years niece’s upbringing has been farmed out to an aimless trust fund kid, Ann will probably welcome a return to the structure and stability of prison life.” –Charterstone: Dune

“We’ve just caught sight of Alice’s dog, who looks more-or-less normal. Does this mean that whatever’s going on with Alice’s head isn’t whimsical character design? Are we supposed to understand that, in-universe, she’s just like that? It explains a lot, honestly.” –a.

“I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this whole strip is a plot by the American Library Association to make movies and TV look lame.” –pugfuggly

“The clouds and sky outside the dorks’ car seems to indicate that they are flying high in the friendly skies, if it helps (it doesn’t), and therefore more likely to die in a spectacular fireball (it does).” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Actually, you’re a plugger if you often fall asleep on the toilet at any time, including in the middle of the day.” –Bob Tice

“Interesting to open this strip with a panel of Shoe, who seems to do everything naked without repercussions, but maybe that just speaks to the inequality in avian society. I mean, if you were a rich and important media figure, how would you use your power? Would you maybe stroll around in the buff all day, going to restaurants and fern bars to hit on women with your junk exposed, just to show the world you can? No? Well maybe that’s why you’re not part of the global elite.” –pugfuggly

“Nota bene: if you’re a turkey in a world where both you and this dog/cat/chipmunk sort of thing can both talk, there’s a good chance it can also run a stove.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I guess they don’t call him ‘the Wizard’ for his abilities in the manufacture of Dextroamphetamine, or even just a bit of biker crank? Little something to take the King’s edge off?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I want to thank the creators of Gil Thorp for a truly dynamic final panel. That said, if they really want me to believe Gerards is serious about humiliating Gil in front of God and his distractingly young fiancé, he’s going to have to be even more violent and ridiculous. Why stop at crushing a basketball with your bare hands when you could stab it? Filet it? Set its remains on fire, right there on the basketball court, and then devour said remains? EAT THE BALL! EAT THE BALL!” –Victor Von

“Dennis is talking a lot of shit for a kid who’s in a comic strip called ‘Dennis sucks.’” –matt w

“Look at Coach Thorp kissing that … that … Jezebel right there in public! As a 19th century Victorian magistrate, such impropriety would not stand in era I come from! And what are these strange orange rocks that somehow (foul magic by the wizard Spaulding?) seem to be inflated with air that you have lying around this enclosed courtyard? These won’t do at all, for flinging in the direction of yon lady in the middle of the towne square for the crime of wanton harlotry.” –2+2=7

“The thing that’s the most distasteful in Luann is the thought of someone so desperate to have sex with a nurse that they hover over him while he’s dealing with patients, and then drag him away without even giving him a chance to wash up. ‘Let’s get your hands out of those gloves and into…’, no, sorry, I have to stop there.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I actually like the history lesson being presented here. Let’s remember back to the olden times, when portable music devices didn’t come with a phone, women in their 40s let their hair turn gray, bald men in their 50s kept a few stray strands of hair on their heads instead of shaving it all off and growing a goatee, and healthy green smoothies — well, they were exactly the same, except they were scooped directly onto your lunch tray for some reason instead of being served in cups. If we could only see Archie, Reggie, Betty, and Veronica in the background, wearing their American Eagle skinny jeans, hoodies, trucker hats and Uggs — and rocking out to Justin’s ‘SexyBack’ and Shakira’s ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ — we would realize that these truly were the good old days.” –BigTed

“I am picturing Ian as the dog in the ‘This is fine’ meme, with the flames replaced by piles of bird-destroyed things, and the floor covered in guano.” –CanuckDownSouth

“It’s Luann, guys. They’re not gonna have dumpster area sex, she just really needs to tell Phil about those couple days where she was a stick figure. Phil, resplendent in his one garment that is not scrubs, will be too busy thinking about scrubs to notice anyway.” –A Grave Mind

“Toby looks uneasily to her left. ‘Does this mean Ian will stop obsessing about the bird and re-focus on me?’” –TK

“Dumpster Lovin’ is bad enough, but Assisted Living Facility Dumpster Lovin’ is especially grim. Lots of soiled items, uneaten gruel, and the belongings of people who died and whose families were on the clock to get their loved one’s room cleared out. If that doesn’t get your Billy the Bookworm standing at attention, I don’t know what will.” –Old School Allie Cat

“It was a paid hit. It cost Wilson a popsicle.” –MKay

“The Law of Comics decrees that the only proper living arrangement is a nuclear family. No longhouses, harems, or colonies, unless you’re in an army. Today, B.C. shows the enforcement mechanism: Immediate death sentence.” –Downpuppy

“The other woman besides the Lockhorns looks to be a mime doing research on Leroy’s wordless flailing.” –nescio

“Leroy is unlikely to cut or bruise himself stretching. Rather than a first aid kit, Loretta should have a hydrating drink, a de-fib, or even past CPR training she might comment on. Waiting for him to pass out so that she can put a bandage on him is less ‘helping’ and more ‘creating an alibi.’” –Dondi’s Dad

“It’s the ultra-modern version of ‘The Gift of the Magi.’ The robot she purchased to do her chores was so expensive that she had to sell all her belongings — and there are no chores left to do. So to paraphrase O. Henry, ‘Now it’s party time!’” –BigTed

“If one wants to know how Mary is able to so easily rule over Charterstone, just note that the best educated resident there learned problem solving from old Sylvester and Tweety cartoons.” –Where’s Rocky?

“‘Halp’??? Is Ghost Cat’s other power that he can make people talk like ‘I can haz cheezburger’ lolcats? Is he the ‘ghost’ of a Millennial killed circa 2007, no doubt distracted driving his VW New Beetle while watching Homestar Runner on his Zune?” –Schroduck

“I like to think Sunny and Vixen’s immediate bond is based on mutual antipathy for Ian, and the fact that Vixen has apparently just met Ian makes this interpretation even funnier and no less plausible.” –Violet

“‘That’s a new development.’ In Rex Morgan, M.D.? I doubt it.” –Ettorre

“It appears that Lois has cooked each Flagston a different meal. Their favorites, probably. And they still won’t deign to dine with her!” –Ace

“Actually, Marvin mom is practicing for the glorious day she works up the nerve to stick her head in the oven (she kinda has to ‘warm up to it’ first. Ha, ha, get it?)” –2+2=7

“As Hi and Lois are canonically Millennials, and with rising recession fears, I expect the media to brush off the old chestnut of blaming Millennials for Killing The [Dining Room Furniture] Industry.” –Philip

“I love that Rex is giving, um, Nurse the blankest stare he’s ever blanked! ‘No big deal? But this is about me!’” –Victor Von

“‘I could use the extra holiday cheer. This week … or forever!’ I guess the only question left unanswered is whether it’s suicide or murder/suicide.” –Hibbleton

“Such a sweet story! No wonder Mimi suddenly remembered she was attracted to women and left!” –CanuckDownSouth

“People tend to want their wedding officiants to be someone they know or are close to, which leads to any number of lay people getting an online ordination and when it all inevitably goes bonkers, coming to me shell-shocked, saying ‘I never knew weddings were so crazy.’ I’m telling you now, Coach Luke, hold out for presiding at Gil’s funeral! It’s way simpler and hardly ever involves bridesmaids!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“The reason why nobody is turning into stone is because nobody looks service workers in the eye.” –Charterstone: Dune

“What is the beef that pluggers have with the tradition of naming especially large storms? Do they have some kind of ideological opposition to anthropomorphizing? If so, it’d be pretty hypocritical.” –ectojazzmage

“It’s comforting to me that NASCAR most likely finds Gertie as annoying as I do. Why haven’t they disappeared her? They’ve got the power.” –MKay

“Huh, I always thought that NASCAR was a whole organization, but I see here today that it’s actually just one old guy. Does he have a last name or is this a ‘Madonna’ situation?” –pugfuggly

“Tried to research how long ago it was when Dennis took to wearing a helmet while skateboarding. Because I definitely remember when he didn’t. I guess it is more menacing that he has decided that staying alive as long as possible is more important than looking cool.” –I was told there would be no permanent record.

“I’m glad that Lou’s efforts to cheer Dagwood up have been totally fruitless. Suffer, Bumstead! May none of your disgusting meals fill the spiritual void you feel!” –matt w

“The fact that Dagwood alone constitutes a ‘lunch rush’ is something that should worry everyone involved.” –Guts Dozier