“Dr. Jeff notices Mary eating her dessert with a canapé fork and immediately calls 911 after disconnecting. ‘Hurry! She’s nuts I tell ya!’” –Hibbleton

“It was the least we could do — literally! Now, we’ll need to see a doctor’s note before we’ll come within 50 feet of you again. Love you, Mary!” –MKay

“Well, of course there are five clams in Santa hats! Good God, man, don’t you ever read the Bible?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Floppy-haired semi-sleeveless T-shirt dude looks so sad about the proceedings. Turn that frown upside down! You haven’t yet been stabbed or bitten!” –matt w

“I don’t mean to downplay the emotional importance of Lois’ story, but Hi’s interest in the football game does have more material importance to the family and its future, at least if I am correctly reading his baggy-eyed expression as a sign he bet the next six months of mortgage payments on a prop bet for Broncos’ kicker Wil Lutz making this field goal.” –Philip

“Oops, looks like Snuffy tripped over his dog and fell right onto his Roland TR-909 drum machine. Who knew that Hilly Billy House was so big in Hootin Holler?” –pugfuggly

“Sent my mind down an absurd rabbit hole imagining an article in the future about how most readers don’t know why Mary Worth is called that since the original cast hasn’t been seen in decades, after it became about Wilbur falling into a sinkhole to Hollow Earth, unable to return.” –Jake Nelson, on Twitter

“I fail to see the irony. Beetle’s ancestors came over because of a potato famine, and it worked! Now Beetle has more potatoes than in the dreams of Olwen! If Beetle were lining up to buy fries from Killer at $25 an ounce, now that would be ironic.” –White Rabbit

“I’m extremely grateful for that bottom caption in Alice that clears things up after Alice’s reply, ‘Just don’t tell Mr. Bossman.’ For a second there, I was going to tell Mr. Bossman! Thanks, caption at the bottom!” –Chance

“In the first panel, this is just a harmless prank. In the second panel, the handle from the trashcan lid and the steering wheel from the truck have both been removed, so the trashman can neither defend himself nor escape.” –jroggs

“Mr. Bossman is the perfect nemesis of modern women, since he incarnates the authoritarian and hierarchical power of both capitalism and patriarchy. Believe me, it makes sense if you know Jungian archetypes! Or if you smoke the good stuff.” –Ettorre

“I haven’t read Alice before, I like the whole general vibe of her skull. It’s like when a comic book character has fire instead of hair, then an action figure designer has to figure out how the hell you do that, and the result is, like … mostly a head? You can call that a head, sure. You can tell the colorist is doing their best.” –Dan

“I thought the internet was killing print newspapers but only printing two pages, one of which is nothing but headline? That ain’t helping.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Get in Gerard’s head. As soon as the ball is snapped, run full steam towards the Goshen sidelines and give that POS coach a concussion!” –seismic-2

“Gil’s idea of psychological mind-games is apparently just doing regular coach stuff, which probably explains why he’s so terrible at both coaching and psyching out the enemy.” –ectojazzmage

“For a moment, I thought the first word was ‘Merde!’, which opened up the potentialities of an intriguing new world of French intellectualist cynicism for Rex Morgan, M.D. [sighs] For a moment.” –odinthor

“Chip must have been the easiest baby to raise ever. ‘Just stop crying!’ ‘[sigh] Okay.’” –Joe Blevins

“Just wait until he finds out The Ghost Who Drinks is lactose intolerant. A pint of that milk stout and the Phantom will be launching gas attacks for hours.” –teenchy

“‘I know what I did was stupid’ should replace ‘This serial comic strip … features a no-nonsense, upstanding lawyer who stoically handles drama inside and outside of the courtroom’ as the syndicate’s official Judge Parker synopsis.” –Where’s Rocky?

“How do I drive my wife wild? By imagining an ambiguous diner/bar situation where two guys are on opposite sides of a counter, one drinking coffee and the other drinking beer, and they both appear to be customers. It makes her crazy!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Kent has now appropriated for himself, without asking for or receiving anyone’s permission, the largest office in Treetops’ municipal building.’ ‘Great seizer’s ghost!’” –Bob Tice

“I’d think delivery drivers would refuse to service Dagwood’s street, much like taxis won’t go to certain neighborhoods after dark. You just know he can smell a pizza or a box of Chinese food a mile away, and will chase down the car carrying it like the T-1000.” –TheDiva

“The problem with forcing a pun into a strip so you can make the deadline is sometimes you don’t consider the implications it will have in making people think about the very concept of your comic. Look! Up in the sky! Is a bird? Yes.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“While Gil’s body is falling apart and betraying him, it’s Luke’s mind that is collapsing and leaving him powerless. This is a zombie strip literally about decline and slow march into death.” –Ettorre

“Oh, you were inspired to be a barber by the way your Mama carved and served turkey? That’s not heartwarming, the result is Dagwood’s haircut. You need therapy.” –nescio

“Found your problem right here: that’s not a football play on the blackboard, it’s [squints] English-Calculus-Music. Perform an iterative integration after the barred eighth notes, leaving the present participle with the wide receiver, you’ll pick up six yards in the playdowns, guaranteed.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“A damning indictment: Mary would rather relay a message through Dawn instead of talk to Wilbur. Are we sure she didn’t infect herself with an experimental strain of bird flu in order to get out of having to interact with Wilbur at Thanksgiving?” –Dog Balls

“I think one of the bigger problems with the art in Gasoline Alley is how all of the children are much, much more upsetting to look at than the cursed doll, and also appear to be older than the adult cast.” –Tristan Olson

“Toilet Seat Bird is obviously a sadist. Why does he even have a toilet? The time-honored bird method — dropping it off a branch — is so much less complicated.” –MKay

“It isn’t unbelievable that a plugger of that species would want to maul Santa instead of becoming a mall Santa.” –Nobody

“Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.” –Lomo

“Actually, the box of powdered pumpkin soup mix has a Post-It that says ‘Get Well Soon Toby & Ian,’ to which was added with a ball point pen ‘+ Jeff.’ But if Mary finds that comforting, who are we to judge?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Ditto’s banal comment convinces Trixie and — let’s face it — Chip that the Flagstons are eating a beloved Sesame Street character. Luckily, everyone is cool with it.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Those guys look more like suburban hipsters than the local neighborhood thugs. ‘Hey Mister! We’re starting a new wave ska band! Can your dog play bass?’” –Lawyerbob

“Having been corrected on his grammar one time too many, Arty makes sure to double down on his frequently-confused words to confound whoever and whomever might try to talk down to him.” –jroggs

“Mr. Wilson frowns looking at the title of the strip, as he realizes that he can’t sell the punchline, that he’s really the author of this strip, as long as ‘Hank Ketcham’s Dennis the Menace’ is right there in large lettering.” –likeagrapefruit

“We know that Mr. Wilson has been trapped in an unchanging hell for almost 75 years now where he is damned to be tormented by a young boy who inexplicably likes him until the end of time (or until the IP is no longer profitable for the syndicate). Canonically, though, Dennis is a 5-year-old child. Unless Henry and Alice are monstrously neglectful parents, it’s safe to assume that Dennis has been allowed to roam about outside unsupervised for less than a year (and that they live in a world where it’s safe to let 5-year-old roam about outside unsupervised). This means a grown man is sitting down to write a book complaining about a kid he’s probably only known for a few months.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘Well enough of this,’ says Dustin’s dad as he slowly pulls a pistol from his waistband.” –knockinghats

“But why, Alice? Why do– What is– [[pinches bridge of nose]] Look, okay, there are eight (8) words in your one-panel comic strip and 25% of them are ‘inner child,” so why do you need the caption? Did King Features Syndicate hide ‘ALL COMIC STRIPS MUST CONTAIN NO FEWER THAN TEN WORDS’ somewhere in the fine print, or do you really and truly think that we won’t get it? (I mean, I don’t really ever get what’s going on in this strip, but I realize that this is a me problem.)” –els

“The Gasoline Alley ‘children’ are rendered in the most disturbing ways possible — each ‘child’ is rendered differently, yet in a way to make each one uniquely repellent. At least there’s a reason for Dick Tracy Moon People to have different irises than Earth People — they’re different species! The Dustin artist(s) use different styles of eyes on all the characters to indicate surprise or some other emotion. There’s no reason for these Gasoline Alley ‘children’ to have different eyes, different hair, yet the same weird hand gestures borrowed from Rex Morgan. I demand an explanation, or a retraction as papers used to do when Doonesbury was too liberal.” –Doc Wonmug

“If you’re having trouble with sleep, there’s a comic strip I can prescribe. You don’t have any allergies to roots country music do you?” –Maltmash3r

“You know in any realistic suburban living scenario Hi would be out there laying traps, poison, ultrasound alarms or just straight up taking an axe to any and every part of this infestation of rabbits, squirrels, birds, purple weeds and whatnot ruining the perfectly flat sterile lawn aesthetic the HOA is going for. Mom needs reality TV to feel like there’s something genuine and alive in her home, don’t judge her too hard, smug baby.” –Amelie Wikström

“Rex gives the whitest, least-sassy possible interpretation of ‘talk to the hand.’” –But What Do I Know?

“Look, I have a Marvin-aged son, and he’s about as tall as my hips. I know comics exaggerate for artistic effect, but he’s just too small. He’s the size of his mother’s foot! This doesn’t look like #relatable parenting content about a troublesome toddler, it looks like a horrible little leprechaun is breaking into schools and homes and peeing all over them.” –Schroduck

“Better questions for Sarge to ask: How will I protect my eyes from the wind and flying particles? Is that even a windshield, or just a metal bar over the hood? Where exactly is the engine in this Jeep? Where are the seatbelts? Am I going to die alone and friendless except for my disturbingly human-like dog on this trip to town? I’m going to die, aren’t I?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“You see, if you really are psychic, you don’t need a title on the front of the book, because you already know what’s in it. Having the title on the back just reaffirms your powers.” –voshkod

“Marvin knows that he was dragged from the depths of Hell by a screeching Shogoth and regurgitated upon this plane to make mankind suffer for their sins, but he does not remember the other children being in the abyss with him, so he is confused.” –Old Man Shadow

“I guess Gearhead Gertie’s husband — you know what, I’m just gonna call him Hubcap Hubby — is realizing he’s gonna have to make a pit stop and change his own tires tonight, because Gertie’s too busy fueling up with premium unleaded smugness to bother showing human affection.” –Craig!

“Mary’s avoidance of extra work really puts the ‘quit’ in ‘taquitos’” –nescio

“I think our understanding of Mary and Jeff’s relationship is all wrong. She is one of those button up on the outside/vixen on the inside types. Why, look, today Jeff is trying to leave for the night as he has a busy day tomorrow, but she in true dom fashion demands that he meet her needs. ‘My pleasure! … dear.’ He promptly responds. It’s a short leash.” –Joe Momma

“I’d give Andy Bear a pass on being unable to open a mere milk carton because he lacks opposable thumbs, but the pliers won’t help with that. Tear that flimsy thing to pieces with your powerful teeth and claws!” –matt w

“Get it? Charge card? But seriously, robot: is there any amount if money that will get us out of this? I can get it I swear! Please!!!!” –pugfuggly

“Okay, I’ve accepted that they’re not going to be in an alley, but they’re not even using gasoline?!” –Dan

“Ahhh no, Harry Hypno is going to put everyone in a trance and make them do his bidding! Oh, wait, you say that’s just a regular guy, and that’s how his eyes normally look, and that creepy thing he does with his hands is just how he expresses himself when he talks? And he gets people to do his bidding through bribes and threats, just like any normal schmo? Never mind.” –BigTed