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Your comment of the week in a moment, but first … if you are a Baltimore-area person and you have no plans tonight, you do have plans tonight, and those plans are seeing me perform my beloved character Gary The Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor at Linda and Polly’s Everybody All The Time, a delightful variety show! 8 pm tonight at the Windup Space at 12 W North Avenue, in Baltimore’s Station North! Don’t miss it, it will probably be Gary’s final Baltimore appearance ever!

Ahem! And now, your comment of the week:

“I’m starting to think Momma is some weird post-modern deconstruction of a Henny Youngman joke. ‘Take my wife, please!’ he says, and then we cut to his wife’s lonely and emotionally stunted backstory. So I can’t believe I’m saying this, but ‘that seems a little highbrow, Mell Lazarus.'” –Dan

And your runners up! Very funny!

“The ultimate insult to your legacy is having your tombstone engraved with Comic Sans.” –johnny lt

“I like that Momma’s bedside photo of her late husband seems to be a cropped mugshot following an arrest at a black tie event.” –pugfuggly

“I’m going to ignore for a second the ongoing manifesto statement of Judge Parker of ‘Awful, rich, asshole gets whatever he wants handed to him on a silver platter because … money! or something’ because the title of The Emeritus’ turrible no good book is The Chambers Affair which sounds like a sub Nora Roberts romance destined to be filmed as a made for TV film for Lifetime or Hallmark network. I can just see the character of Judge Parker played by Dean Cain looking for love in and out of the courtroom. The co-star will be Tori Spelling, a fiery defense attorney who will be filing a motion for romance. ‘Objection, your Honor! I love you!'” –Sloth

“Judge Parker has learned the greatest lesson of 21st Century life: there’s never a ‘wrong’ or ‘grossly inappropriate’ time to cross-promote. I think if Flaco were to toss him into a ravine, his last words might well be, ‘Be sure to like The Chambers Affair on Faaaaaaacebooooooooook!!!!'” –Joe Blevins

“I am guessing that this is how this particular story arc ends and in general represents the future of the strip. Danger or crime threatens and Spider-Man arrives late after everything has been taken care of. Next! Kraven saves a toddler at the city zoo from a wild gorilla on the loose — meanwhile while Spiderman searches for his costume — the one he just had cleaned.” –Joe Momma

“Ever seen a red school bus, Edward? Neither have I, Edward, but my imagination is running wild. I think I’ll paint this school bus red, Edward. So red. So very, very red. Edward” –Roto13

“This is Charterstone, not some backwater condo complex! The swimming pool has always been filled with Holy Water. Why do you think Wilbur is never seen in the pool? Also, free flowing LSD in the Charterstone water supply would explain a lot.” –Mikey

“Pluggers are also on a first name basis with the guy who says ‘hey, either buy something or get the fuck out.'” –Digger

“I worked as a nature counselor at a summer camp. In real life, if Mary had sonorously proclaimed ‘Even plants have something to teach us!,’ she might have elicited the chant ‘B-O-R! I-N-G! That’s the way we spell bor-RING bor-RING! UH-UH! Bor-RING!'” –Poteet

“‘I just needed some clerical advice!’ Jerry sobbed as he clutched the dozenth foreclosure notice he’d had no choice but to sign that week. Was this right? Was this … Christian? Would God forgive him, for turning children and mothers out into the street? Why didn’t the reverend ever answer his phone, when Jerry was going to such lengths to identify himself as a person, as himself, rather than just a faceless and heartless financial conglomerate?” –Dragon of Life

Luann: “The students can queue up in any order they want. Since a Pitt H.S. education is completely worthless, graduation consists of ‘There’s a stack of diplomas. Just grab one from off the top and write your name in the top line. No, you won’t be graded on the spelling.'” –seismic-2

“I am not a bully! I’m an art critic!” –BigTed

“Rex Morgan MD makes the controversial case for social promotion — after thirty years in the same grade a kid will start acting out.” –matt w

Spider-Man: “With eight tentacles, just imagine what a useful, productive citizen Doc Ock could be! Why, he could simultaneously: (1) rescue a kitten from a tree; (2) rock a colicky baby to sleep; (3) open the door for a woman carrying shopping bags; (4) guide a blind man across a busy intersection; (5) retrieve a child’s ball from a storm drain; (6) stop a runaway horse pulling a carriage full of tourists; (7) help a businessman gather up papers that spilled from his briefcase; and (8) tenderly pleasure a lonely widow.” –Perky Bird

“When a plugger retires, his clothes are rejected by charitable organizations because pluggers have terrible sartorial taste. Also, urine stains.” –Nekrotzar

“I don’t know which deity sent that lightning bolt, but I refuse to worship such a lousy shot. Reload and try again, big boy.” –Droopy Says

“The Gazebo had grown tired after long years in this hellscape. It had seen so much; life, death, fleeting happiness and long, bitter misery. Weddings, funerals. The rollicking noise of band concerts and the quiet whimper of stealthy murder. It was time to put an end to it. One final wedding, one final, futile attempt to see some true happiness, but it felt nothing but rage. The Gazebo willed forth the lightning from the sky; galvanic currents stirred long-dead wood. The Gazebo ripped one support from the hard grasp of the dirt. Nails screeched, boards groaned in protest. Yes, it thought as the humans began to flee, run away, run away from me, from this town, from your sad little lives.” –Voshkod

“And with that one, lone golf ball, everything started to change. Who could have guessed that a lone action like hitting a caveman in the nuts would have such a profound effect on the here and now? Sir Rodney didn’t even notice at first, the grass wilting at his feet, the groundsman slowly winking out of existence. But then his house, half the kingdom, the Wiz, all vanished in a heartbeat, their advances to science and medicine gone forever. ‘Have this man arrested for performance enhancing drugs!’ a plague rat yelled at him from atop a pile of corpses. Rodney just sighed. 17 more holes to go.” –Tophat

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Greetings, friends! Hope you are enjoying your afternoon and this comment of the week!

“Put your glasses on, Daddy, so I can remember who you are! After all, today is the day we descend on you like a pack of feral pugs, and I want to remember you as you were — weak-eyed, weak-chinned, and too weak to lead the pack. It’s Jeffy time now, old man!” –Voshkod

And these hilarious runners up!

“If you take the final panel of Mary Worth and remove the context, it looks like someone finally illustrated my favorite work of fanfic: Elderly He-Man Meets Hillary Clinton.” –ratnerstar

“Jerry’s Midtown Eatery looks like the most fun place in midtown to be employed at! Not only did Tommy get to come into work wearing his Silver Age Aquaman costume, Tina is currently seeing how many standard size marshmallows she can cram into her jowls! (‘Five’ is the answer. That’s why she’s holding up five fingers to a suitably impressed Tommy.)” –gelded wilderbeeste

“Veterinarian degrees usually have the name of the school across the top. Fake online ‘VET’ certificates have a picture of a yellow snake, because animals, get it?” –Chareth Cutestory

“Of course, ‘Marvin poops a lot’ and ‘Marvin hates his dad’ are not two separate strains of joke, but are all components of one coherent joke that could be characterized as ‘If Sigmund Freud wrote the comics page, it’d go something like this.'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Iris attempts to take food from Wilbur’s plate. The little girl is a red herring. The next storyline is going to be about the severe bite wounds on Iris’s arm, Tommy’s relapse when he gets into her Vicodin, and, ultimately, serious questions about whether Wilbur’s had his rabies shots.” –Christopher

“We’re all looking forward to Hi’s little monocle popping out and falling into his tiny brandy snifter when it’s revealed that the book club is halfway through Fifty Shades of Gray, followed by Lois telling him exactly how she feels about bondage sex in a room full of strangers.” –Roger

“For Hi, this is the height of the literary look, assuming that the high priest of that look is Mr. Peanut.” –Gary

“I find it interesting that while Dean Young and John Marshall are not willing to risk the patent-lawyer ire of Calvin Klein, they have no such qualms about tempting fate with the legal department of the McIlhenny Company.” –eriqjaffe

“It’s only natural to develop a complicated attitude about your mother once you’ve spent eight months in her pouch.” –BigTed

“‘Fellers.’ It’s been about 50 years since anyone has said ‘Fellows,’ let alone one of its stupid bastardizations. Gasoline Alley continues to know its audience.” –Roto13

“Taken totally out of context and with its word balloon removed, the third panel of this comic strip would appear to be a perfect relic of the 1970s: Bella Abzug getting in on the Saturday Night Fever disco craze. Francis’ bell-bottoms only strengthen the illusion.” –Joe Blevins

“Momma isn’t actually pointing at heaven. She appears to be pointing to the second story of the house, which extends over the bench where Francis is sitting. So I guess that means Poppa’s body is hidden in the crawl space.” –Guts Dozier

“No one would mistakenly refer to Momma as the ‘Head of the Family’ if she actually had a torso.” –nescio

“Well, the timing of that Blended tie-in promotion isn’t working out for Mark Trail’s syndicate.” –sporknpork

Mary Worth: “I can show you lots of interesting things, Olive. This place is a carny sideshow. Check out the meth addict over there, straight out of prison. And the fat guy with a combover? Wilbur poses as a woman online to advise idiots who write to him and he’s too lazy to even respond. He has me doing it. And that’s his freak of a daughter with the two tone hair. Been studying at Local U. since Christ was a Corporal. Finally we have what passes for a Charterstone sugar daddy here in the rotund, hirsute form of Ian Cameron. That’s his wife, Toby, who I call Dopey, and she’s obsessed with miniatures if you know what I mean and since you’re from New York, I assume you’re chillingly precocious and do know. Stick with Auntie Mary, kid, and you’ll never be bored again.” –Gabacho

“Silas frowned. It was here, just a minute ago. The counter, his shop, the racks of books … they had just vanished. The two boys still stood there, each clutching a comic book Silas had never seen before, with no title or plot teaser of any kind, just the cold, unfeeling faces of Spider-Man and The Phantom. ‘No problem, we’re jest lookin’ at th’ pitchers!’ The boy chuckled, his face fixed in an awful sneer. ‘Jest like we’re jest lookin’ at ETERNITY, Silas.'” –Tophat

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hello friends! Your COTW in a moment, but first, in seeing-Josh-tell-jokes news, I will be telling jokes in a standup show in Baltimore this coming Wednesday! It’s called The Hustle, it’s put on by What Weekly, and it’s at Maryland Art Place at 218 West Saratoga Street in downtown Baltimore. Starts at 8 p.m. Here is the Facebook event! Don’t miss it!

And now, your comment of the week:

“It’s difficult to say what is most attractive about Boog from Little Blond Girl’s perspective. Is it his unblinking glassy black eyes? His black sweatshirt that glows an eerie red for some reason? The way he deftly uses that non-descript metal object to punctuate his every thought and feeling? His ability to emit tiny black hearts at will like some impish wizard? What IS it?” –Flippin Arkansas

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Meanwhile, Snuffy realizes that he’s in Count Weirdly’s virtual-reality chamber when he sees celery and a bunch of yeller bannaners in Loweezy’s shopping bag. Might as well have a gorilla and a goddamn tree sloth.” –Oregonian

Apartment 3-G: “Meanwhile, back in New York, Margo has quit her job as a publicist and is now *rolls dice* a hot dog vendor.” –Liam

“Incurable disease? Boring! I’m more interested in the story behind that tripoded chimera child wandering the halls.” –sporknpork

“But it was only later, when they insisted that she put on wire-frame glasses and a beard, that Sarah realized that she was the central part of the special Toulouse Lautrec exhibition.” –odinthor

“‘DINNER WAS WONDERFUL AND NOW I’M GOING OUTSIDE!’ Cabbage and baked beans again, huh?” –pugfuggly

“Now that Carol’s demanded a big fat kiss, I’m about 60% sure she’s not Jack’s mom.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“In the third panel of today’s Mark Trail, we see the horrifying fate of rebellious waffles in Lost Forest. Nailed to a wall and left to the mold. Don’t cross Mark and Cherry, breakfast food. Just don’t.” –Voshkod

“‘How many kids are going to be in this group, Ms Lanning?’ ‘I’m not sure … it’s a busload! I could count the seats or something, but that just smacks of math. I have people for that.'” –Enlong

Apartment 3-G: “Tommie better watch out — Carol could kill her in front of a dozen witnesses and the cops would never be able to get an accurate description of her. ‘Yes officer, I saw the whole thing — the perp was 5’ 10” and about 40 years old.’ ‘No, no, no — she was only four feet tall and couldn’t have been more than sixteen!’ “Well, one thing we all agree on — she couldn’t stand in one place for long, and her neck swiveled like an owl’s.'” –Tom, the Sailor Man

Mary Worth: “Glad to see Tommy upped his game from panel 1 to panel 2 by switching his tight T-shirt for a looser one with a scooped neck, all the better to give Tina a tantalizing glimpse of the uppermost tuft of his chest hair, a.k.a. The Sternum Bush. Tommy knows that all ladies love themselves a little bit of sternum bush, and hopefully it will distract Tina from noticing how freakishly dilated his eyes are when he stares at her lovely, Keane-Kid sized head.” –gelded wilderbeeste

“I love Weezy’s look of seething rage in that last panel. ‘It’s one thing to poison folks,’ she thinks. ‘It’s quite another to look so damn smug about it. They may tolerate that in Funky Winkerbean, but that’s in that godless Ohio. This is Hootin’ Holler! When you be makin’ a punchline up here, you best be sticking out yore tongue!'” –Guts Dozier

Mary Worth: “Huh, so ‘gentleman’ is the code for creepy guy who offers to get me alone within 10 seconds of meeting now? It’s so hard to keep up with slang these days.” CanuckDownSouth

“Roombas are programed to target concentrated areas of dirt and filth. I’m just saying.” –TheDiva

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.