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Good Friday, all! Are you ready to enjoy today’s comment of the week?

“Mary, I don’t know how to tell you this but … the ratio has finally flipped. I am now more sandwich than man. My organs are naught but lunch meat and lettuce, my blood is mustard. The doctors give me a week until I start digesting myself from the inside out. It’s … it’s everything I ever wanted, Mary. I’m so happy, Mary.” –Tophat

And the runners up! Verrrry amusing.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure that by the end of 2014, every Marvin strip is simply going to consist of the word ‘PISS’ in gigantic letters. Daubed in faeces.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“When you have a constantly-shifting skull structure kneading your brain like bread dough twenty-four hours a day, you’re gonna end up with some brain trauma. I imagine you can hear it when you stand next to one of them. ‘He’s gone, (squittcchh) Zoey — (glurrkk) Just (schplutt) gone (bluttcchh)!'” –Joe Btfsplk

“Why does the phone ring whenever I’m about to eat in order to build up my energy to get down with my dark-as-ebony-yet-paradoxically-radiantly-glowing phallus that I also keep charged and ready on the kitchen counter?” –Cra_Mastercra

“This is a theme restaurant where the theme is low-key hostility.” –Joe Blevins

“Mark, alone in his room, talks to himself out loud, explaining the obvious. Fortunately the phone rings before he has to ask himself to repeat that more slowly, since he didn’t quite follow himself the first time.” –Shrug, Earlyish for Once

“I think we can decisively conclude that the true cause of Marty’s dad’s brain tumor is his puny human mind struggling to process the insane, non-Euclidian geometry of a world where someone dramatically turns away from the person they’re talking to, only to see that person standing, in the same pose, right in the middle of their new field of vision.” –The Ben

“Mary, there’s something I have to tell you. I have cancer of the sandwich-gizzard —- wait, let me start over! There’s two things I have to tell you. First, Mary, I have a sandwich-gizzard.” –Perky Bird

“I’ve been trying to figure out which DC restaurant this is, and I finally got it: 1962.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Does anyone think that the one swirling piece of debris above his head in panel two looks more like a slice of pizza in the far background? No real joke here, I’m just imagining a beautiful world of pizza-nadoes.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Like many a woodland spirit, Mark cannot resist the mercurial impulses that characterize faerie nature and apparates behind the very mortal who moments ago offered him aid, yanking the chair out from under her. ‘And should the senator fail my woodsy clime, / Thy firstborn son shall e’er be mine.'” –David Lynch’s Pompadour

“Their eyes met, and in a flash they understood each other. ‘Well, Dad could use a vacation,’ the blond said, mischief sparkling in her dark eyes. ‘Maybe I can talk him into going there!’ Her eyelashes fluttered like dying butterflies. Mark raised his cup to hide a smile. ‘Good idea, Anne Marie,’ he said in a low voice. ‘He used to enjoy hunting. I can arrange for a hunt that area.’ He could see it now, the old man panting through the woods as Mark sighted down the barrel. One shot, and the woods would take care of the rest. Anne Marie would have her inheritance, Mark would get the oil money. Then they’d go their seperate ways. What could go wrong?” –Voshkod

“I asked my editor to just give me my job back when I got home, but apparently newspapers are pretty much run like Thunderdome these days. Two guys in the lobby were having a knife fight to see who gets to run the city desk.” –Dan

“Neddy’s frustrated plea for a Hellfire missile fired into a densely populated urban area in the developing world as the best way to solve a problem that may or may not be just a scam enabled by her own naivete and badly applied high technology offers yet another reason why I maintain that Judge Parker is the best social commentary on the comics pages today. F. Scott Fitzgerald only wished he could develop characters like this.” –Master Softheart

“I like Leroy’s Pulp Fiction suit. Wearing a costume from a good movie when your wife drags you a bad one is much subtler than his usual schtick.” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hi all! Your comments of the week in a moment, but first: as you may or may not have noticed, I tweaked my site layout a bit to accommodate somewhat larger ads in the left-hand nav bar. The nav bar should just expand a bit so that it can contain the wider ads; however, a few people have let me know that they’re seeing the ads stick out over the actual text of the posts. If that’s what you’re seeing, your browser is using a cached version of the stylesheet that defines the site layout; holding down the shift key and reloading the page should solve the problem, though you may have to do it a few times. If it doesn’t, please email me at bio at jfruh dot com, telling me what web browser and operating system you’re using, and I’ll see what I can do to help.

And with that tech matter out of the way, here is the comment of the week for you to enjoy!

“I’m attracted to Mary Beth, and I don’t know why, because she isn’t exhibiting any secondary sexual characteristics yet. Then again, we’re birds, so who even knows, right?” –Lumaca Morente

And the runners up! Very funny!

“If Skyler is under the impression that puberty will clarify his budding sexuality, his current anguish is but the tip of a terribly confused and horny iceberg.” –digupthebones

“‘Gardening all day?’ how long does it take to water seven flowers?” –Dartpaw86

“I assumed Daddy Keane was extolling the get rich darn fast glories of multi-level marketing: ‘See that little boy in the kitchen? You get 5 sucker — I mean associates — signed up, and you’ll get something just like him. Ten associates, you get a bigger one, like the kid in Zits, only useful.” –jim, some guy in iowa

“Jarod slouches more than Les. How does that even work? Will we just see him propped up against various walls (and, inevitably, a police officer) but never see how he got from one wall to the other? He needs a posture pal just as much as he needs nicotine gum, and I’m sure will, over time, learn to welcome both.” –Lily Sincere

“Jarod’s been smoking for three whole panels, and hasn’t managed to get cancer. Who are you, and what have you done with Funky Winkerbean?” –Dan

“The absolute most clever thing about this ruse is that outside witnesses and video evidence will still show that the ‘Tarantula’ is saving the day while ‘Spider-Man’ is sitting on his ass, tied up. His reputation remains intact!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Credit where credit is due to Crock for showing and not just telling. We know the restaurant is bad not because it’s directly stated, but because of the hollow-eyed corpse on prominent display there.” –Dragon of Life

“The hardest part was keeping this fake mustache on, but I’m still the guy with the webbing … HEY! That would have been so much easier than this glue I used. Oh man, it’s like sometimes I forget I even have superpowers.” –Brad

“I really sympathize with that grouchy background waiter in today’s Crock. ‘Eight years of acting lessons for this? And that guy is clearly reading his one line off that pad of paper! This is bullshit.'” –Joe Blevins

“Those damn birds ruined every coat Johnny Walker’s ever owned! His vengeance will be swift and technological!” –gleeb

“Mark bends forward in panel one to help give the country some of the gas Johnny claims it needs.” –Illustrator Steve

“One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug. He lay on his armour-hard back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, his brown, arched abdomen divided up into rigid bow-like sections. From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place. His numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his circumference, flickered helplessly before his eyes. Fortunately, Gregor could still use silverware, and his new-found extra limbs let him use three at once. So he went out to dinner at a fine establishment, where he found himself vague disgusted by the human couple talking about their relationship problems.” –Voshkod

“Discovering that Ed follows a polytheistic religion involving ritual sacrifice via schoolbus is by far the most interesting thing that has ever happened in this strip.” –Esther Blodgett

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Disalmanac: A book of fact-like facts: The funny fake almanac with Random Bonus Facts from Neil Gaiman, Wil Wheaton, Al Yankovic, and more!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Guys, I was looking at the numbers from my CafePress store, and it turns out that these Open Feedback Sharing items haven’t sold a million units yet, which doesn’t really make sense. So go click the clickies and buy what looks delightful to you! (Hint: It all looks delightful.)

And now that you’ve gone and done that, enjoy … your comment of the week!

“This is my daughter, Anne Marie. The ‘Marie’ stands for ‘marionette.’ Because she’s a life sized puppet, see? Look upon her grim visage and her badly permed 80s hair, ye mortals, and tremble.” –bunivasal

And your runners up! Very funny!

Mary Worth: “Being healthy is being able to adapt. For example, I plan to grow a reflective exoskeleton to help me survive the radiation barrage as our sun goes supernova. Skol!” –La Cieca

“I don’t know about Sam, but Barfy’s name should be a dead giveaway why he’s not allowed in church.” –greghousesgf

“Someone should tell little PJ that pride is a deadly sin.” –Chip

“Yes, Spider-Man. The guy I’m pointing at in case anyone confuses two grown men dressed in spider-themed body suits. No, not you Scorpion … that guy … on Mosquitoman’s right … my right, your left…” –Kevin on Earth

“Mark Trail can change the size of his hand to ring any doorbell, no matter how tiny.” –Ned Ryerson

“Bull, five seconds later: ‘A flask! THANK FUCKING GOD.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“In his skin! Or, at least, in someone’s skin. Guido’s a skin-changer, Dad, but I didn’t want to tell you, because I know you hate Italians and eldritch horrors. You’re such a racist, Dad! In his thousand hearts, Guido may be a multifarious mass of gibbering mouths — some of them Italian — but in my heart, he’s the demon for me.” –Voshkod

“Oh, I thought Bull looked through the lost and found because he was laid off six months ago and needs stuff to fence on the street to keep from starving. So ‘keys to victory’? I’ll let him know you made that wisecrack.” –Alex Blaze

“What happened to Mr. McKenzie? Did he die? Or did he leave you for a younger woman? That happened to a lady down the street. She had a bunch of cats. They ate part of her face when she died. Is that why you don’t have any cats?” –Christopher

“I’m not fooled — that little kid clearly came up with that pun in advance, and led into it deliberately. By William’s Rules Of Punsterism, this means the resulting pun is null and void, and the old lady gets to make two at him in turn. So … it’ll be a long week, is what I’m getting at.” –The Ben

“My sabermetrics analysis on the Mudlarks teams always begins with the same note each year: ‘Don’t assemble athletes around bonfire at start of season inhaling smoke fumes.’ Glad to see that now the cheerleading squad is also enjoying the performance non-enhancement of smoke from old couches and other garbage.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Love the sympathetic look on the dog’s face. He knows. Dolly reads to him, too.” –Myrtle

“Mark, the surveyor’s results were very positive: we think that, with the right fracking chemicals, we can recover thousands of barrels per day from Rusty. I know you outdoor people can be sentimental, but fully exploiting him could create hundreds of good paying jobs that our state needs and help America become energy-independent.” –Master Softheart

“Did I miss the plotline in Gil Thorp where the population of Milford was replaced with aliens desperately trying to disguise themselves as human but just never quite managing to get it right? Or was that just the premise of the strip from day one?” –Dragon of Life

“It’s clear in the first panel of the Gil Thorp strip that the young girl is wearing a mask (see that line going down the side of her ‘face’?) Thusly, it can be safely assumed this is the nefarious she-demon that requires the annual sacrifice to ensure the football team is … okay … at best?” –Justin T.

“So a patron gives Herb a friendly, colloquial compliment on the quality of the food, and Herb’s reaction is to say, ‘Uh … OK’ before backing away slowly and panicking in the back room while peeking nervously over his shoulder at the man. This makes Heart & Soul the opposite of the Olive Garden. When you’re here, you’re treated like an untrustworthy and possibly dangerous stranger.” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Disalmanac: A book of fact-like facts: The funny fake almanac with Random Bonus Facts from Neil Gaiman, Wil Wheaton, Al Yankovic, and more!
• Citation Needed 2: The Needening: From Comics Curmudgeon creator Josh Fruhlinger & Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka. BUY IT NOW!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.