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Greetings, friends! Hope you are enjoying your afternoon and this comment of the week!

“Put your glasses on, Daddy, so I can remember who you are! After all, today is the day we descend on you like a pack of feral pugs, and I want to remember you as you were — weak-eyed, weak-chinned, and too weak to lead the pack. It’s Jeffy time now, old man!” –Voshkod

And these hilarious runners up!

“If you take the final panel of Mary Worth and remove the context, it looks like someone finally illustrated my favorite work of fanfic: Elderly He-Man Meets Hillary Clinton.” –ratnerstar

“Jerry’s Midtown Eatery looks like the most fun place in midtown to be employed at! Not only did Tommy get to come into work wearing his Silver Age Aquaman costume, Tina is currently seeing how many standard size marshmallows she can cram into her jowls! (‘Five’ is the answer. That’s why she’s holding up five fingers to a suitably impressed Tommy.)” –gelded wilderbeeste

“Veterinarian degrees usually have the name of the school across the top. Fake online ‘VET’ certificates have a picture of a yellow snake, because animals, get it?” –Chareth Cutestory

“Of course, ‘Marvin poops a lot’ and ‘Marvin hates his dad’ are not two separate strains of joke, but are all components of one coherent joke that could be characterized as ‘If Sigmund Freud wrote the comics page, it’d go something like this.'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Iris attempts to take food from Wilbur’s plate. The little girl is a red herring. The next storyline is going to be about the severe bite wounds on Iris’s arm, Tommy’s relapse when he gets into her Vicodin, and, ultimately, serious questions about whether Wilbur’s had his rabies shots.” –Christopher

“We’re all looking forward to Hi’s little monocle popping out and falling into his tiny brandy snifter when it’s revealed that the book club is halfway through Fifty Shades of Gray, followed by Lois telling him exactly how she feels about bondage sex in a room full of strangers.” –Roger

“For Hi, this is the height of the literary look, assuming that the high priest of that look is Mr. Peanut.” –Gary

“I find it interesting that while Dean Young and John Marshall are not willing to risk the patent-lawyer ire of Calvin Klein, they have no such qualms about tempting fate with the legal department of the McIlhenny Company.” –eriqjaffe

“It’s only natural to develop a complicated attitude about your mother once you’ve spent eight months in her pouch.” –BigTed

“‘Fellers.’ It’s been about 50 years since anyone has said ‘Fellows,’ let alone one of its stupid bastardizations. Gasoline Alley continues to know its audience.” –Roto13

“Taken totally out of context and with its word balloon removed, the third panel of this comic strip would appear to be a perfect relic of the 1970s: Bella Abzug getting in on the Saturday Night Fever disco craze. Francis’ bell-bottoms only strengthen the illusion.” –Joe Blevins

“Momma isn’t actually pointing at heaven. She appears to be pointing to the second story of the house, which extends over the bench where Francis is sitting. So I guess that means Poppa’s body is hidden in the crawl space.” –Guts Dozier

“No one would mistakenly refer to Momma as the ‘Head of the Family’ if she actually had a torso.” –nescio

“Well, the timing of that Blended tie-in promotion isn’t working out for Mark Trail’s syndicate.” –sporknpork

Mary Worth: “I can show you lots of interesting things, Olive. This place is a carny sideshow. Check out the meth addict over there, straight out of prison. And the fat guy with a combover? Wilbur poses as a woman online to advise idiots who write to him and he’s too lazy to even respond. He has me doing it. And that’s his freak of a daughter with the two tone hair. Been studying at Local U. since Christ was a Corporal. Finally we have what passes for a Charterstone sugar daddy here in the rotund, hirsute form of Ian Cameron. That’s his wife, Toby, who I call Dopey, and she’s obsessed with miniatures if you know what I mean and since you’re from New York, I assume you’re chillingly precocious and do know. Stick with Auntie Mary, kid, and you’ll never be bored again.” –Gabacho

“Silas frowned. It was here, just a minute ago. The counter, his shop, the racks of books … they had just vanished. The two boys still stood there, each clutching a comic book Silas had never seen before, with no title or plot teaser of any kind, just the cold, unfeeling faces of Spider-Man and The Phantom. ‘No problem, we’re jest lookin’ at th’ pitchers!’ The boy chuckled, his face fixed in an awful sneer. ‘Jest like we’re jest lookin’ at ETERNITY, Silas.'” –Tophat

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hello friends! Your COTW in a moment, but first, in seeing-Josh-tell-jokes news, I will be telling jokes in a standup show in Baltimore this coming Wednesday! It’s called The Hustle, it’s put on by What Weekly, and it’s at Maryland Art Place at 218 West Saratoga Street in downtown Baltimore. Starts at 8 p.m. Here is the Facebook event! Don’t miss it!

And now, your comment of the week:

“It’s difficult to say what is most attractive about Boog from Little Blond Girl’s perspective. Is it his unblinking glassy black eyes? His black sweatshirt that glows an eerie red for some reason? The way he deftly uses that non-descript metal object to punctuate his every thought and feeling? His ability to emit tiny black hearts at will like some impish wizard? What IS it?” –Flippin Arkansas

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Meanwhile, Snuffy realizes that he’s in Count Weirdly’s virtual-reality chamber when he sees celery and a bunch of yeller bannaners in Loweezy’s shopping bag. Might as well have a gorilla and a goddamn tree sloth.” –Oregonian

Apartment 3-G: “Meanwhile, back in New York, Margo has quit her job as a publicist and is now *rolls dice* a hot dog vendor.” –Liam

“Incurable disease? Boring! I’m more interested in the story behind that tripoded chimera child wandering the halls.” –sporknpork

“But it was only later, when they insisted that she put on wire-frame glasses and a beard, that Sarah realized that she was the central part of the special Toulouse Lautrec exhibition.” –odinthor

“‘DINNER WAS WONDERFUL AND NOW I’M GOING OUTSIDE!’ Cabbage and baked beans again, huh?” –pugfuggly

“Now that Carol’s demanded a big fat kiss, I’m about 60% sure she’s not Jack’s mom.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“In the third panel of today’s Mark Trail, we see the horrifying fate of rebellious waffles in Lost Forest. Nailed to a wall and left to the mold. Don’t cross Mark and Cherry, breakfast food. Just don’t.” –Voshkod

“‘How many kids are going to be in this group, Ms Lanning?’ ‘I’m not sure … it’s a busload! I could count the seats or something, but that just smacks of math. I have people for that.'” –Enlong

Apartment 3-G: “Tommie better watch out — Carol could kill her in front of a dozen witnesses and the cops would never be able to get an accurate description of her. ‘Yes officer, I saw the whole thing — the perp was 5’ 10” and about 40 years old.’ ‘No, no, no — she was only four feet tall and couldn’t have been more than sixteen!’ “Well, one thing we all agree on — she couldn’t stand in one place for long, and her neck swiveled like an owl’s.'” –Tom, the Sailor Man

Mary Worth: “Glad to see Tommy upped his game from panel 1 to panel 2 by switching his tight T-shirt for a looser one with a scooped neck, all the better to give Tina a tantalizing glimpse of the uppermost tuft of his chest hair, a.k.a. The Sternum Bush. Tommy knows that all ladies love themselves a little bit of sternum bush, and hopefully it will distract Tina from noticing how freakishly dilated his eyes are when he stares at her lovely, Keane-Kid sized head.” –gelded wilderbeeste

“I love Weezy’s look of seething rage in that last panel. ‘It’s one thing to poison folks,’ she thinks. ‘It’s quite another to look so damn smug about it. They may tolerate that in Funky Winkerbean, but that’s in that godless Ohio. This is Hootin’ Holler! When you be makin’ a punchline up here, you best be sticking out yore tongue!'” –Guts Dozier

Mary Worth: “Huh, so ‘gentleman’ is the code for creepy guy who offers to get me alone within 10 seconds of meeting now? It’s so hard to keep up with slang these days.” CanuckDownSouth

“Roombas are programed to target concentrated areas of dirt and filth. I’m just saying.” –TheDiva

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hello all, hope you are about to embark on a fine Memorial Day Weekend, if you live in America. Let me very briefly point out to you that if you are going to be in Baltimore next Wednesday you could do worse than see me perform my beloved character “Gary the Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor”, at Chucklestorm! Please come and enjoy!

And now, your comment of the week!

“I’m just taking a moment to enjoy the confused look on the faces of the vikings holding the now-superfluous battering ram. ‘Uh, so do we, uh … I mean, what do we do here? Do we still run headlong into the door, or…?'” –Joe Blevins

And your very funny runners up!

“Actually, it really is surprisingly depressing to see Pluggers quote ‘Fake Plastic Trees’. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE RADIOHEAD, YOU BASTARDS. GO BACK TO HANK JR. YOU CHOSE THIS PATH, NOW WALK IT.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Cherry should have known better than to leave ‘the talk’ to Mark.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It’s black and white. But it’s always called Le Chat Bleu, because if there’s one thing that doesn’t make you look like a pretentious douche, it’s naming the personification of your mental state in French.” –Horace Broon

“Wait, I thought the talking cat represented death, or maybe just cancer-death? I dunno, this is Funky Winkerbean, I guess it can be two things, as long as one of the things is cancer.” –Dan

“I was going to say here that Tommy could use the prison experience to his benefit by explaining that his assigned duties were janitorial and that he is very familiar with the instruments of dirt removal and has kept abreast of the latest developments in cleaning technology in the trade periodicals. But look at what a shit-ass job he’s doing in his own flashback. It’s like he’s never seen a goddamned mop before. Don’t have that flashback in front of Jerry, or the gig is gone.” –hogenmogen

“A ‘guilt trip’, dear? I wouldn’t call it that but I can see how you would. Would you like a salmon square? Oh, that’s right. It reminds you of things you are suppressing. Grey, garish things.” –tallyHO

“Last year’s county fair a had a pretty lackluster freak show tent, so Jack is really hoping that the twin calves are conjoined. To be honest, we’re all hoping.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I really hope you’re kidding, Carol. Jack has made it clear that I am not to fall in love with him until I’ve mucked out the stables 35 times. Only 15 more to go, and then I can—Oops! Look at the time! Jack allows me one potty break at 10:00, and it’s 9:58. Gotta run!” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Oooh, I wonder how they’re going to stage a catfight without anybody touching or making eye contact.” –TheDiva

“‘Dr. Octopus sure is a pussycat lately.’ ‘Yeah, as it turns out, the most dangerous thing about him were those powerful metal tentacles attached to his torso that he could control with his mind.'” –pugfuggly

“I hope this strip continues to gradually de-power its characters one-by-one until it’s finally through being a silly affair about an insecure, petulant, ineffectual superhero self-contradictingly titled The Amazing Spider-Man and becomes a poignant and brooding character study simply called Man.'” –Perfesser Wut

“I’m intrigued by the implication that ‘lately’, while still in prison, Dr. Octopus had been allowed to keep his metal tentacles. ‘Remember two weeks ago before they took them away? I’m still hosing the blood out of the guard’s breakroom in cellblock D. I guess that’s one way to bust a union.'” –David Schraub

“I am 99% sure that there is nothing in the Declaration of Independence that could be construed as a commentary on workplace safety issues, at least not by conventional standards of jurisprudence. In fact, I had thought that it was one of the few things that anti-regulation Tea Partiers and abortion-crazed liberal Obamaites revered in common. Although I suppose that none of that will matter in ten seconds, after school bus 110 has tragically crashed in the forest while going 95 miles per hour, while some bunnies watch in shock and horror as the grisly carnage unfolds before their adorable eyes.” — Chad Sexington

“If the new boss actually has to say ‘we don’t abuse each other,’ you know something really bad went down with your predecessor, probably involving cops and lots and lots of lawyers.” –BigTed

“Hangovers are a great way to celebrate a dry, hot climate — you can synchronize your pounding headaches with the relentless noontime sun.” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.