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Hope your mid-August is going pleasantly, and that this hilarious comment of the week makes it more so!

“No more water, Jeffy, fire next time. FIRE. NEXT. TIME.” –Chyron HR

These very funny runners up certainly won’t hurt, either!

“The Singing Clam has gone solo? Does he still perform songs from his old band, The Bivalvet Underground?” –gelded wildebeeste

Judge Parker: “How about two weeks in your own Parisian flat two blocks from the Eiffel Tower? However, you can’t keep the money that sometimes leaks from the plumbing. That’s ours. Just let it accumulate in the buckets that have been set out for the purpose and Ned or I will collect it the next time one of us happens to be there.” –cheech wizard

“Ahh, the problem is revealed in panel three. The shape of Pam’s ear indicates that she’s an elf from Middle-Earth, perhaps an Eldar, who has lingered long in the corrupt and declining world of men, far from the Blessed Realm. This is why everything in this Funkyverse is so forlorn. She knows that none of these trucks will serve Lembas. She knows.” –Joe Momma

Mary Worth: “Her voice says ‘intuitive about a lot of things’ but her pointy finger says ‘I can say with experience that she’s a magical psychic being with powers of precognition your puny minds cannot comprehend! Do not doubt my powers!’ It’s all in the wrist, with Mary.” –Mikey

“So, you hear about that new bull in the barn? Yeah, he’s hung like a horse … Wait, is that a compliment for a bull? Anyway, he’s big. I like ‘em beefy. Oh, yeah, ‘beefy’ isn’t polite. He’s horny, too. I mean, you know, because he’s a bull. Okaaay, I heard Edna got killed, ground up and packaged yesterday.” –hogenmogen

“If Camp Swampy has a hygiene problem, maybe it’s because there are just two small sinks for an entire barracks. And everyone walks around barefoot in the latrine area. And Beetle appears to be lathering his face with a toothbrush. And Cookie… well, let’s not even talk about Cookie.” –BigTed

“Sam is looking through an early draft of his book, Eye Contact and How to Avoid It.” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, I’ll give you the horns as soon as I drink from this canteen … with the cap still on! Ha ha!” –Little Blue Bicycle

Funky Winkerbean: “Oh, I know so many things about Pavarotti, all from this biography right here! Tomorrow I’m reading about Guy de Maupassant — Mason, have you considered syphilis?” –Uncle Lumpy

“I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to ride in a taxi cab with a driver with hollow eyes that swallow your nightmares. Where to? how about the darkest corners of your soul?” –Chareth Cutestory

Funky Winkerbean: “Yeah, yeah, more talk about nails. Say Les, there’s three nails right here! Let take them and this hammer and go over to the set of The Last Temptation of Christ. I want to show you something!” –Mikey

“The Treetops Tattler-Tribune, despite being part of a rapidly shrinking market in a moribund medium, continues to survive in the Shoe universe of ornithoid/humanoid beings, but not due to its curmudgeonly weather hotline, which is outdated even by pre-internet standards. Rather, it owes its continued success to two words: cage lining.” –Chad Sexington

And we must, of course, give a shout-out to our sponsor for this week:

• Self-Loathing Nerds: Humor fiction, news, reviews, and other crap by some huge god damned nerds.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Oh hey it’s Friday and we’re back on the regular schedule and that means it’s COTW time!

“I think Momma is taking a Dadaist approach to its own work; a month ago the words were hand-written, but now they’re in Comic Sans. It’s like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa, except instead of the Mona Lisa it’s a crudely drawn elderly lady whose kids don’t like her.” –Alex Blaze

But wait! There are some hilarious runners up as well!

“Aside from plot, characterization, and character development, I feel that another thing missing from this story is an explanation of why Tommie and Carol only look at/talk to each other over their shoulders. The only thing I can think of is that this whole thing is really some kind experimental marathon theatrical performance in Central Park, a ‘Theater of the Banal’ played to an audience of disoriented drug addicts, dying dogs, and you, Dear Reader.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“Welcome to Parker Retirement Communities, the perfect place for your parents’ golden years. Dormitory-style housing, to keep a community close. Watch them race to get the top bunk! Farm-style eating, three times a day. The spry ones get to the head of the trough! And arts and crafts, to keep brains and fingers nimble. Where ‘more zippers, mule!’ isn’t just our slogan, it’s their way of life. That’s Parker Retirement Communities — look for us in low-tax industrial zones across America.” –Voshkod

“The thing that keeps pluggers from running for office is Sam Brownback’s 2009 bill prohibiting the creation of human-animal hybrids. But with his political star on the wane, perhaps the plugger’s time is finally nigh.” –Dan

“There’s just something wrong with the Apartment 3-G narrator saying ‘The days pass quickly…’ OMG, if only.” –Will C.

“So, you’re Les? Well, if you’ve crapped in your pants while crying, you can’t get in my car!” –Dr. Mabuse

“The only way this could possibly work would be for Mason’s ‘No way? Seriously?’ to be delivered in an incredibly sarcastic tone. ‘Look, buddy, I KNOW he’s you. I KNOW this is based on your own story. When I asked Who is he?, I meant, Who is he really? What’s the heart of the character? I was trying to get closer to the true Les, and you responded with an obvious, condescending remark treating me as if I were a moron. Huh…come to think of it, I guess you DID answer my question.” –Erich

“Hey, wanna come over and watch my cat go to the bathroom? I’ve got a fresh batch of lemonade and a giant, curtain-less picture window situated just perfectly to offer an unobstructed view. Be a shame to let ’em go to waste.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “June’s condition was revealed during Strippers & Clamfest, 2012. It’s apparently not the kind of pregnancy that results in a birth, more a curse Sarah placed on her.” –Downpuppy

“It was a proud moment for the comics editor when he insisted that the original caption, ‘Didn’t I tell you to have your defecating contest outside?’, be replaced with something less edgy.” –odinthor

“Momma needs to realize that this joke just might fail someday. She’ll set up it up by saying her husband’s death left an emptiness, and her date will respond with ‘Help me out here, are we sitting on chairs or are we both wearing capes? Hey, yours just vanished into thin air. Can mine do that, too? I’d really like to go home now.'” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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GUYS! I am back from my post-anniversary sabbatical and ready to entertain you. Thanks for being nice to the fabulous Uncle Lumpy while I was gone! Also, thanks to Uncle Lumpy for being fabulous! He has hand selected some comments of the week(s) from when I was gone, and I have hand-selected my favorite:

“Why did you overturn my limousine? Who are you? You’re right, the next question I was going to ask was ‘why do they call you that?’ Then it would be ‘Do you live around here?’, ‘What do you think of Lebron going back to Cleveland?’ and ‘Hot enough for ya?'” –hogenmogen

But these other ones: these are solid comments as well, y’all.

“‘I shouldn’t be running away from a giraffe,’ thinks the Lion. ‘I have my pride.'” –Peanut Gallery

“Rosa’s hair makes me nervous. I keep thinking it’s going to reproduce on its own.” –Poteet

“‘What’s the color of the sky in your world?’ ‘Gray. We’re dogs, idiot.'” –seismic-2

Archie: “Maybe Archie could become Thor. ‘Halt, evildoer, lest I book dates with thee and thy best friend on the same eve!'” –Malice Acher

“Luke, I am your father, John Darling.” –Red Greenback

“Gil has personally won pity trophies for ‘Congeniality’ and ‘Swimsuit Competition.’ He also had one for ‘World’s Greatest Dad,’ but his kids insisted on a paternity test, and since he failed he had to give it back.” –Shrug

Judge Parker: “The Driver-Spencers don’t get bored; they have people to do that for them.” –Horace Broon

“‘Holy crapping pancakes, it’s an enraged buffalo! Lori’snotreallyintoyouIthinkyouneedtobroadenyourhorizonsthereareplentyofotherfishintheseaRUN!!‘” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“Mark: ‘Run! It’s a Cape Buffalo stampede!’
Dirty: ‘Of course it’s a Cape Buffalo stampede! What other kind of buffalo are there in Africa?!’
Mark: ‘I was just trying to be specific!’
Dirty: ‘If you wanted to be specific you could have said “Run! its a stampede of syncerus caffer!“‘
Mark: ‘I was going to but I wasn’t sure you knew Latin!’
Dirty: ‘Look, my point is that you could have yelled “Run! Buffalo Stampede!” or just “Stampede!” The “Run!” part is implied during a bloody stampede! Brevity is the important part when warning somebody about a stampede, not what genus is stampeding! That’s my point.’
Mark: ‘Fine. Run! Stampede! Happy now?!’
Dirty: ‘Yes! Thank you!'” –Mikey

“Team Tracy is ignoring the real dangers of time-travel stories: the grandfather paradox. Time-loops. Violation of conservation laws. Worst of all, the dire, horrid threat of creating a Time Maid. Kill them both, Sam!” –Droopy Says

“That fucking Daddy Warbucks — first conflict profiteering and now, HE WANTS ME LUCKY CHARMS.” –Dennis Jimenez

Luann: “‘You have an assistant? Interesting. As your boss, I would expect that you would ask me first before hiring anyone. Especially with the Feds cracking down on unpaid internships.’
‘That’s OK, she is being paid in-kind with Vegamite sandwiches and false promises of physical intimacy.’
‘Great. That will make the FICA calculations even more interesting. What is 6.25% of a false promise of physical intimacy?’
‘One panel out of a week’s worth of Brad and Toni strips?'” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Any bets on what his bumper sticker says?” –tallyHO

“Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Batman.”
“My Other Car is a Shitbox too.”
“The Original 40-year-old Virgin.”
“If You See My Wife, Give Her a Hand.” –Rusty

“If this car’s a-rockin’… Just kidding, this car is never rockin.” –revenge4aldo

“Quick! Let’s hide beneath the tallest tree we can find! That large piece of sheet metal I dragged along will protect us!” –rbmalpha

“Here’s a pitch, TV execs. Crank as Matlock in a gritty reboot. Not a lovable smart guy who defends the innocent, but someone who actually commits crimes. Would also work for Murder, He Wrote.” –WeatherServo9

Apartment 3-G: “Watching Ellen slip away was hard for me. That’s why I have the face of an eighty-year-old crack whore.” –TheDiva

“I don’t know how they can do it, Mr. Fruhlinger, but the Department of Homeland Security said you can only release The Enthusiast in this government-approved version. Oh, and someone from the Department named Donna A. Lewis wanted me to ask you, ‘how does it feel, be-yotch?.'” –gelded wildebeeste

“Unable to live in a world without Olive, Mary dives into the pool hoping to kill herself.” –Liam

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.