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Hey all, your comments of the week momentarily, but first a gentle reminder about these programming notes, OK? OK! Now let’s get to the top comment:

“I love the way he stands there with the toilet gloves on, after having just used them to clean out the bowl, casually crossing his arms across his chest and the shirt he will wear for the rest of his senior year.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

And the hilarious runners up!

“Wait, there’s actually a drawing of the fawn. Isn’t that a violation of whatever ‘Under no circumstances will we draw what the characters are talking about’ Dogme95 principles that Apartment 3-G operates under?” –matt w

“If Tom Batiuk would just stay true to his pun-loving self, he’d have had Les say in the last panel, ‘Sounds like a blast.’ C’mon, Tom! Get with it!” –Larry McAwful

“Man, I stop reading Apartment 3-G for just six years, and they change everything on me. I mean, Tommie got a haircut? What the hell?” –Captain Thunder

“Maybe, for the sake of comfort, sanity, and the health of their knees, they shouldn’t have their car seats pushed as far forward as they can possibly go for the whole trip. Just getting out of that baby pink Malibu Stacy dream buggy will make them feel 20 years younger.” –Joe Blevins

“But apart from the felony assault, it’s smooooooth sailing to the playdowns for Milford.” –Chyron HR

Rex Morgan: “As Buck proceeds toward enlightenment through humiliation and mortification of the flesh, the Anja Chakra becomes more prominent — soon a literal third eye will open on his forehead where the nail entered and he will transcend this plane of existence. If only Rex were qualified to study the process, the secrets of the pineal gland could be his!” –Master Softheart

“Man, I feel for Mommy and Kid. Later, when they’re feeling better about the whole situation, they’ll realize they will forever associate the Bum Boat with this depressing conversation and never be able to go there again. As opposed to most of the citizens of Santa Royale, who avoid the Bum Boat because that’s where Mary hangs out. Also, I have a feeling the clam strips are just awful.” –Lily Sincere

“Boy, the word ‘interesting’ is is sure being downgraded today. A bird with something on its leg? INTERESTING! A man is a taxidermist? INTERESTING! Rusty’s eyes go jet-black when he mentions that Mark is writing a new story? INTE–no wait, TERRIFYING!” –pugfuggly

“I like to think that, as the mother dissolves into tears in panel two, the two Big Mouth Billy Bass fixtures The Bum Boat’s restaurant manager has injudiciously placed right next to one another began singing ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ and ‘Take Me To The River’ in horrifying cacophonous unison, a perfect reflection of the mother’s divided mind: should she put her husband behind her without a second thought, or throw herself into the conveniently-located sea that has tempted so many other Bum Boat patrons?” –Doug Wykstra

“I like to think that someone left out an ellipsis in Margo’s last word balloon: ‘You win … this time.’ Revenge, like venison, is a dish best served cold.” –Pozzo

“Of course the reporter lady is not interested in the oldest existing copy of ‘The Song of Roland.’ That doesn’t mean that the Phantom couldn’t take a tip from Jughaid and really sell the second panel of the strip. While saying ‘This is the tenth! The oldest of all!’ he needs to swing his arm over his head, his cowl and mask need to fly in the air, and his tongue needs to loll out. A bow tie wouldn’t hurt either. C’mon, give her a little Ghost Who Razzle-Dazzles.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Tommie not only thinks she’s a mother, she thinks she’s a mother kangaroo! At least all the fawn poop ends up in one place this way.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“The woman in the third panel (I haven’t got the slightest idea of her name and have no desire to know) seems shocked to find herself in the territory of discount wine distributors. It would ruin my vacation.” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Pardon the brief interruption, but: BALTIMORE PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WHO CAN DRIVE TO BALTIMORE! Rifftrax’s Conor Lastowka and I will be co-hosting a LIVE COMEDY EVENT on Sunday, February 16th, at the 14Karat Cabaret in downtown Baltimore, and it seemed like the sort of thing you might want to know about! We will be reading the Internet aloud (not all of it, don’t worry, just the good parts). Featuring an evening of readings and performances:

• SCOTT BECKETT plays Hollywood executive who only listens to movie pitches based on the film’s Wikipedia page
• BARBARA WILGUS and VALARIE PEREZ-SCHERE channel their own robot avatars.
• RAHNE ALEXANDER reveals top-secret emails sent to elite Hollywood insiders by a very special visionary.
• CONOR LASTOWKA shares terrible wartime tales from within the WikiFur community.
• ISAAC HIRSCH confronts the most harrowing person you can meet on the Internet: himself, age 10!
• LYNDA DEL GENIS tries to provide comfort to the saddest Yelp reviewers.
• APRIL PINK looks at the prospects on OkCupid and is thankful that she’s married.
• JOSH FRUHLINGER plumbs the depths of Craigslist Personals and asks: Who is this for, exactly?

AND MORE ACTS AS WELL, almost certainly! Plus some almost certain shameless promotion for [Citation Needed], which Conor and I wrote! Don’t miss it! It’s President’s Day Weekend, and so this is clearly how Secret Internet President Al Gore would’ve wanted you to celebrate. Here is the Facebook event, if you like those.

Also, in non-Internet-reading-aloud but in still Josh-creative-work news, I wrote an article on Medium about Mormons, my wife’s family, and some land we now all own in Southern Alberta. Not as silly as most of what I put up here but I hope you enjoy!

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Am I going to keep complaining about how cold it is in every comment of the week intro? I will, until it stops being so cold outside. Ugh, you guys, I’m old, I should retire to Florida or something.

ANYWAY, warm your bones with this week’s top comment:

“Here you see the genesis of Alan Parker’s next novel: Paradise Leased, in which Satan sells out to foreign investors.” –Droopy Says

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Say, did we ever meet Lisa’s parents, or was she a total Rescue Wife? Funky Winkerbean turned into Mutts so gradually I never even noticed!” –Uncle Lumpy

“I have a feeling that this sassy little wedding is just going to underscore how dull Tommie’s wedding is going to be. ‘Do you, generic British man, take this red-headed bowl of oatmeal, to have and hold, but largely ignore, for as long as you both shall live?’ ‘I concur.'” –pugfuggly

Snuffy’s gleeful gaze upward is the real poke in God’s eye. ‘Who was it created Satan, O Lord, and created me without a conscience?'” –Robot Quasar

“Standing at 9’7″ and clad in his flowing blue ceremonial robe, the looming presence of Intergalactic Love Marshall Kramdar bore witness to the marriage ceremony of human designated units Elroy and Susan. He will be the first to admit that he does not understand this planet.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I, Elroy Arens, take you, the incorruptible corpse of a Catholic saint, as my wedded wife.” –sporknpork

“Mark’s not giving that pelican a fish. That’s clearly a soggy condom full of cocaine. Is Mark a drug smuggler? My god … autistic nature doofus was the perfect cover. He wasn’t protecting the wildlife, he was protecting … his turf.” –bunivasal

“Jessica Canupp, eh? Sorry, Ms. Canupp. I didn’t immediately realize you were female. I apologize for calling you ‘buddy’ earlier as if you were a male intimate. No disrespect intended. I’ll avert my eyes now if you want to do any … uh, feminine things. *cough*” –Joe Blevins

“I love how they draw the moon in Heathcliff, surrounded as it is by a cloud of darkness in an otherwise bright sky. Is the Oculus of Supreme Night the most important character in Heathcliff?” –Mabel

“Why … why is the flounder looking at me? I’ve scrolled down to the comments and yet his gaze still pierces my soul, silently judging. Silently waiting.” –Chyron HR

“Given the pointing ‘THIN ICE’ sign in panel one (‘thin ice, right this way!’), I’m thinking today’s Momma is less about Francis murdering his friend and more about the locals’ addiction to insane risk. Or, sure, murder.” –Compson

“Say what you will about the Amazing Spider-Man, but at least he’s got a sense of fair play. Utilizing superhuman danger-sense and agility is just cheap unless you loudly announce your slick moves in real time.” –Doctor Handsome

“I have no idea what Jeffy might have seen in that telescope that would make him hate clouds — clouds, for chrissake! But that’s the point, isn’t it? This trip is transitioning from The Family Circus to Jeffy! and getting more and more indecipherable, in a race against Heathcliff for the lucrative stoner comic strip audience. Anyway, ‘I sure wish God had never invented clouds’ is the new all-purpose phrase — kind of like ‘Christ, what an asshole!’ But less aggressive, for the stoner audience. Try it anywhere, in any strip.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Funky’s Credo: ‘What doesn’t kill me is a waste of my time.'” –Spunde

“I don’t think Crock is actually going for innuendo here. I think that they both believe that women, in general, have detailed databases, or at least Excel spreadsheets, about their sexual partners, past, present, and anticipated. But Billie Jean isn’t that kind of girl. She just notches her bedpost and moves on.’ –Lily Sincere

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.