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Hello everyone! Today’s top comment is here … for you to enjoy.

“Say what you want about New York City, at least every time your physical safety and even your life is pointlessly threatened, there’s a nearby deli to provide a nice pastrami on rye. In the wasteland of Santa Royale, your only option for overcoming existential panic is the Bum Boat and it closes ridiculously early.” –Gabacho

And the runners up are very funny as well!

“For those of you who haven’t seen the Mary Worth comic before, here’s some helpful annotations. Yes, that is a quote from Anais Nin, and no, no one knows why. Yes, that looks like the bones of a housecat on a dining room table, but it really is supposed to be a dinosaur in a museum and really really cool. Yes, Mary says stuff like ‘in previous times’ instead of ‘before.’ Again, there are theories, but no one knows why. And the five foot tall sea anemone in the last panel is a bedspread … or a scarf … or something, but it’s not a tree or a building. Hope this helps.” –Mustang

“Forget ‘Face-Time.’ I want to know about the technology which allows J. Jameson’s disembodied head to appear, uninvited, in people’s living rooms and spy on them as they watch their gold-plated, wall-mounted TVs. The family members here demonstrate the proper mixture of horror and amusement as Hitler Gym Coach Man hovers over them, Wizard of Oz style.” –Joe Blevins

“Dagwood’s posture in panel two seems like it would be an ergonomic nightmare and a chiropractor’s new set of golf clubs, but it’s important to not assign our normal human posture recommendations to bizarre bipeds with knees that jut in front of the rest of the body and are roughly 15 inches above the ground.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The Slylock-verse version of the Riddle of the Sphinx: what walks on four legs immediately following the breakout, on two legs after passing the tree, and on three legs as it hides in Slylock’s closet, waiting for the moment of vengeance?” –Nekrotzar

“So you think, ‘In a world where escaped criminals leave big black footprints wherever they go, who needs detective rodents?’ Well, look at the police dog, too out of shape to get over a short section of wall, too stupid to go around it.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Welcome to Rex Morgan, proud to be the only comic that takes legal ethics less seriously than Judge Parker!” –Master Softheart

“I see that the Keanes’ school has done the kind thing and put all the ugly, pug-faced kids in a separate class, for their own safety and self-esteem.” –pugfuggly

“The Mary Paradox, by which a biddy with a strong sense of what’s right and wrong for others makes her own personal life decisions like a cat reacting to momentary stimuli rather than based on abstract concepts such as loyalty and prior commitment. It is weirdly ‘so Mary’ to stay in New York until one random incident with a cab causes her to flee, while both of the men involved still have no idea the other exists. Look for her to bill this process as noble in hindsight next week.” –anty a

Apartment 3-G: “Wow Tommie, are you sure that woman is really your mother? No, seriously. I grew up thinking Roberta was my mother, Lu Ann recently learnt her real mom is Aunt Ruby. I’m just saying, have you ever asked to see your birth certificate?” –Horace Broon

“If you want a picture of Mark Trail’s future, imagine a flapjack being devoured by a human face—forever.” –Voshkod

“My kids had a DVD of the Heathcliff cartoon that came free with a box of cereal. Heathcliff talked, competed with a cat gang, and had a cat girlfriend with human breasts.” –Rusty

“I don’t get why Rusty keeps getting kidnapped. Isn’t the kidnapped person suppose to have some value?” –Sequitur

“Mary Worth ain’t no brassy New York gal. She couldn’t possibly handle the breakneck pacing of, say, Apartment 3-G.” –Doctor Handsome

“Ken Kensington has the bold confidence of a man who has already cloned his potential paramour.” –Revenge4Aldo

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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As most of frigid North America warms up to just irritatingly gross typical winter weather, let’s heat things up with this comment of the week!

“There is about 450 times more passion in today’s Garfield than in Luann. ‘Oh, Quill, your blandness is perfectly acceptable.’ ‘Yes, Luann, you also apparently exist.'” –aphthakid

And the always hilarious runners up!

“Get down on your knees when the surgeon enters the room?’ I know I have a bad insurance plan but at least I get to pay for treatment in money.” –theironjef

“The multiple, seemingly actually redrawn Stanleys staring blankly up at a parade of doctors and nurses look like they’re going for the record of ‘Shittiest Six Differences Ever.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“Remember how we were all, ‘Gosh, this strip is called Funky Winkerbean but it’s all about mopey old Les. Sure wish it would go back to being about good ol’ smilin’ Funky’? Beware the monkey’s paw, people. The next wish will bring cancer.” –Esther Blodgett

“Well, things have changed in the past quarter century! For instance, the addition of handles on mugs, which allows me to enjoy this steaming hot cup of coffee without burning my tender digits. I sometimes forget about this amazing invention, as evidenced by my panel one holding of the mug in a way that causes searing pain and discomfort. Well, off to my job as someone who has the make the best judgement calls for the well-being of hundreds of people!” –Irrischano

“Everything is falling into place! Tommie should be on the left, I should be on the … wait, let’s put Tommie on the right, then I’ll go on the left … That’s my left, wait, I can’t be on the left of my left. Tommie, you… Whatev. Lu Ann is in the middle.” –Hogenmogen

“It’s funny because Crankshaft takes a peculiar delight in destroying life.” –TheDiva

“Everyone is quick to assume that ‘Massacre’ is some kind of chemical. I’m holding onto hope that Massacre is actually a masked-wrestler-for-hire who really hates weeds.” –survivor

“Like most right-thinking people, I often amuse myself by interpreting Jeff’s conversation as comprising little but bitingly sarcastic replies to what he quite justifiably perceives as the stupidest collection of utterances ever made by anyone, but you know, some days they just take the sport right out of it.” –Violet

“We never say ‘die’, we only say ‘sent to the Shadow Realm’ or ‘I can see their parachutes.'” –Chyron HR

“Santa Royale is the city that goes to bed right after NCIS, is unaware that The Today Show has a third hour since they have a little snooze around that time, and then takes a nap right after the noon news that lasts until Jeopardy! No wonder Mary is confounded by a place where you can get a roast beef sandwich, porno, and a pear at 3 a.m.” –Lily Sincere

“You know, they call Santa Royale ‘the city that gets a sensible eight hours of sleep every night’. Do you suppose it’s because the mattresses aren’t infested with bedbugs?” –Steve

“So will seedy guide dude forever bear the impression of plucky reporter gal’s ring on his jaw? Of course, a reverse impression of ‘Bryn Mawr’ isn’t that intimidating, but it does sound like it might be Bandar for something.” –cheech wizard

“Remembering back to her days as a spy in the Underground in Nazi Germany, Mary instinctively eats the evidence that proves her guilt.” –Baka Gaijin

“I think Mary is trying that old movie trick of altering her voice on the phone by talking through a piece of cloth. Does it work? Does it even make sense, given that she’s in the middle of a conversation with someone who already knows who she is? No, she’s just trying to amuse herself, insanely bored with talking to Dr. Jeff, ha ha.” –Doctor Mabuse

Spider-Man: “If — let’s say, hypothetically — I were attacked by a giant condom made out of iron, I don’t think I’d be throwing around words like ‘cocky.’ I’m just saying.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“What the hell did Mark THINK the scary noise was, that he’d be like, ‘Oh, cool, it’s just a huge bear. I was worried for a second.'” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hey, all, I have some comments of the admittedly truncated week for you, but first, a few items that I maybe should’ve gotten out of the way when I did my recap but oh well let’s do them now! First, I am on a new social media thingie, if you care about that: Instagram! You can follow me at joshreads there. Mostly it’ll be pics of random things I find funny/pretty, occasional horrifying comics panels, and very rare self-promotion. And then there are the other ones I’ve been on that you may or may not know about: Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Google+.

In non-self-promotion news, I have received an anecdote and some charming images from a faithful reader who wishes to remain anonymous:

I’m a reporter for a small newspaper. Every so often, cartoonists will send newspapers customized artwork to thank them for running their strips, which is a nice gesture, because the rights to newspaper comics are astonishingly expensive. If I’m not mistaken, our usual comics package costs nearly four grand per quarter.

My editor has collected a few of these pieces of art over the years, including a personalized autograph from Cathy (not Cathy Guisewite, but the titular noseless wonder herself). Friday at work, I was pleasantly surprised to find this Christmas card from Tom Batiuk in our office. I was particularly surprised since our paper doesn’t run either Funky Winkerbean or Crankshaft.

On the lovingly rendered card, the viewer gets to witness Ed Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean fighting over a Christmas tree like the miserable bastards that they are. Inside, we see that they have somehow managed to tear the tree in half with their bare hands. They have each taken half, and this perversion of the wisdom of King Solomon has left them briefly contented.

And, finally, faithful reader Wanders, proprietor of the beloved and amazing Mary Worth and Me blog, has put up the nominations for the 2013 Worthy Awards, and you can vote! Vote for Outstanding Floating Head, Most Beautiful Use of Nature, etc.!

And now, with that out of the way: Your comment of the week.

“Not now, Dennis. I’m watching the Delicate Ankle Bowl.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Hey, when you enlarge panels of Mary Worth, you can see the terrifying madness lurking behind the cracks in our reality! Fun!” –Majicou

“No, Margo, something much better: I learned how to turn Lu Ann into a handsome silver fox! Happy New Year!” –Chip

“I’d like to propose that As Friends Relax be the new title for this strip. It would take a lot of pressure off the writer to keep coming up with, you know, plots and stuff.” –Joe Blevins

“Obvs the Professor has been aged down to jump on this ‘hipster’ wagon that the creators have heard so much about. Hipsters have chin beards, right? And dark, soulless black eyes?” –Amber

“Not digging Tommie’s new hairdo” [next comment] “Either of them” –cooby

“They’re playing a sport where there’s a move called the finger-roll layup, and the best basketball-themed innuendo-about-your-sister they can come up with is, ‘nice moves?’ I don’t know if Gil can reach these kids. I don’t know if he should even try.” –Dan

“I’ve been very much off the grid for the holidays, so I’m only now getting back into checking in with Spider-Man. Not entirely sure what the setup was here though I’m going to assume that J. Jonah Jameson found an old discarded Iron Man suit which Tony Stark threw away due to all the radiation leaks it emitted. The bubbling tumors on the side of Jameson’s head in panel 2 verify my suspicions.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Mr. Jameson … you do know we don’t always have to Skype these things, right? It’s just … you do know you can wash a moustache, Mr. J, right? Just a little water, some shampoo? I’m sure it would look a thousand times better! Also, I’m questioning your decision to put this camera directly in Manbots anus, but there’s no real delicate way to put that.” –Tophat

“Dennis asks Henry to play with him only because all the batteries are dead. When Alice gets home, she will ask him the same thing just for the same reason.” –seismic-2

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.