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I’m back, everybody! Back and better than just as good as ever. Thanks for being kind to your favorite Uncle Lumpy while I was gone — he tells me you’ve been good. Can’t believe I missed the week of Faithful Reader Druj Nasu’s Automatic Rexifier, my goodness! Anyway, here is your fantabulous comment of the week!

“‘But what if I fail?’ Wait, failure is posited here as a merely hypothetical outcome? This is the most optimistic Funky Winkerbean ever.” –Doctor Handsome

And here are the runners up, very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “I can’t imagine a world without Margo! Really, I can’t. She’ll know if I do.” –Zaratustra

Mark Trail: “Yes, Rusty, maybe tomorrow Catfish will let you into his van and I am not the least bit worried about a total stranger entertaining you in the back of his van.” –Sgt. Stoned

Judge Parker: “Randy, you’re a judge! You can’t go around like that, just freely admitting that you’re as dumb as a bag of hammers. Act judicial, Randy! You’re as dumb as a bag of gavels!” –seismic-2

“I’m not getting an intensive-care-unit vibe from this. I’m not even getting a hospital vibe from this. I’m getting a very-weird-dorm-with-Craftmatic-adjustable-single-beds vibe from this.” –Poteet

Spider-Man: “Daredevil: ‘When it homes in on me, it’ll explode!’ Spidey: ‘Yeah, like it’s all about YOU now, is it?'” –Hogenmogen

9 Chickweed Lane: “Maybe the cow just needs to be orked. I don’t know how you ork a cow, but there must be experts who do that, because I see lots of people online telling stories about their ‘coworkers.’” –Peanut Gallery

“(In an) article about the effects of the budget sequestration on the National Zoo’s ability to feed the animals, there’s a nice picture of the curator who is ‘in charge of these hungry goats as well as the big cats.’ My immediate thought: Feed the hungry goats to the big cats. Because there’s only so much Phantom to go around, know what I mean?” –Lumaca Morente

“And when you are in Mexico can you get me some weed? The guy I get my weed from says that the guy he gets the weed from has gotten out of the marijuana business and is going to start a solar farm instead.” –Liam

Mary Worth: “Cheer up, John. With your book of unattributed, out-of-context bittersweet quotes, it’s like Mary never left your side!” –Inkwell

Hägar the Horrible: “Hagar seems genuinely confused by Grandpa’s ‘over 21’ request. It’s a sex slave, gramps, I think an age of consent doesn’t really matter if the person isn’t consenting in the first place.” –pugfuggly

Phantom: “The Ghost Who Talks Out Loud To Himself assures the audience that he doesn’t normally get clobbered over the head that easily. It’s not like he’s Spider-Man.” –Horace Broon

Spider-Man: “‘Countdown to Zero’. Couldn’t have said it better myself!” –Mibbitmaker

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Your comment of the week coming shortly (and yes, I know I’m RIDICULOUSLY early today), but first: comics superstar Julia Wertz is also an abandoned-building-exploring superstar, and she spotted this decaying bit of newspaper from the ’60s on the floor of the projection booth in an old theater. Check out who’s there!

Yes, it’s a very special episode of Mark Trail, in which he and his friends decide to euthanize a buffalo, with a shotgun.

Anyway! In the here and now, here’s your comment … of the week!

“‘Our Becky? I mean — my Becky?’ Alas, Rufus and Joel were having Becky in common with nary a care in the world, but now the threat of monogamy has allowed jealousy to rear its ugly head. In keeping with its usual value system, Gasoline Alley gives us the important moral: bestiality is fine; fight the real enemy: Marriage.” –Sock Puppet

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Note the smirk in Darrin’s face as he shovels. He knows it’s killing the old man. He knows.” –Freakin Hemingwad

“Don’t interpret this strip in such a negative way! Maybe look on the bright side of things and hope that FW is setting us up for some Hitchcock style Rear Window suspense. That would then mean someone in the Funkyverse is going to get murdered! That’s good news, see?” –Chareth Cutestory

“Pluggers know that subject-verb agreement is only for smug elitists with their fancy ‘basic education.'” –Meg

“It’s me, Claire! Don’t sugarcoat it. I want a chocolate shell around a nougatty center!” –Dood

“Of course Dill’s team won. Did you see what those other cakes looked like? They did not represent nature in any way whatsoever.” –Liam

“In case you were wondering how well Newspaper Spider-Man’s powers work, a blind man with normal human strength just threw sort of a stiff-arm in the midst of an uncharacteristic freak-out, and Spidey blindly swung into it with such force that he’s apparently broken some ribs, lost his grip on his webline if that’s possible, and is suffering from full-body convulsions as he plummets to his doom, all the while asking, ‘?'” –Doctor Handsome

“Am I a freak for thinking the A3G storyline is kind of exciting right now? I am on the edge of my seat waiting to find out whether the fire was intentional or an accident, and what will be Evan’s fate. I should probably get some nice cushiony diapers because with the pace of this strip I will be on that seat edge for a very long time.” –Currer Bell

“Most people would take a minute to say something like, ‘What an asshole!’ or ‘What do people in San Francisco have against calling it Frisco?’ or ‘Why does my wife fall asleep every time I call her?’ But not Peter Parker. There’s Something Wrong and he’s going to find out what it is, if it kills him. I’d suggest starting with therapy.” –The Right Venerable Pasdordan

“It’s funny because Dagwood is getting his news from a newspaper while wearing a bow tie at the breakfast table, and it’s 2013.” –Squeak

“Does the fact that Becky appears to be sentient and to understand human language make this better or worse?” –junk science

“Let me go out on a limb here and suggest that Rusty’s camera holds evidence of Rod Bassy’s nefarious plot to win the fishing tournament by having his morally bankrupt sidekick attach genetically-enhanced farm-raised record-sized bass to Rod Bassy’s patented Rod Bassy Lite-Up Serial-Killer Bass Lure using the remote control midget submarine secreted in The Rod Bassy Serial Killer van when not in use. Either that, or pictures of goats humping.” –flatsixes

“I’m sure that image of Dill and Mary Worth standing in front of a star field in space is how Kubrick wanted to end 2001. Sadly, the studio told him to ‘be less weird, Stan.'” –Voshkod

“Oh, sure. That’s ALWAYS been Crock’s problem. Too MANY jokes.” –Daniel

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Whoa is the COTW showing up here before noon? YES IT IS, CRAZINESS!

“Granny? That’s the best you can come up with? Heckling Mary Worth is not for the weak, buster.” –TheDiva

And the very funny runners up!

“How boring would a sentence have to be in order to not get an exclamation point from Mark Trail? ‘Hey, Rusty, I’m going to fill out my form 1040! I hope I claim the correct number of deductions! While I’m doing that, you can take a picture of some dock!'” –Legend of the Arctic

“You’re fired, Tommie. You too, Cheryl. Unbuttoning your top button? We’re not running a brothel here!” –Hogenmogen

“Well, sure, Josh, when you say it like that it sounds kind of depressing. Maybe the truth is something much more light-hearted. Maybe she’s been in a cult all these years and was finally able to tear-gas her way out of the compound in time to see her dad die.” –Esther Blodgett

“‘The Beauty of Nature’? I’m convinced! Volcanoes and/or rivers? Nature! Bismuth, a naturally occurring element that’s used in the manufacture of Pepto Bismol and also apparently your food coloring? Nature! Mary Worth? NATURE, DAMMIT, NATURE!” –els

“I, too, have a marriage strong enough that my wife doesn’t care when I choose to sleep like a hobo because I may be needed in a different city. Strong is the correct word, right?” –NoahSnark

“Mary Worth does not take prisoners. Because let’s face it, we’re never going to see an episode where she’s got someone chained up in her basement, living in their own filth.” –cheech wizard

“Is the moral of this story really going to be ‘practice your cake transfers’? The realization that I expected more from Mary Worth: humbling, and a little bit terrifying.” –A New Day

“Once upon a time, I was driving down the road and saw a huge flock of birds pecking at something in the road, like they do. When I drove close to the birds and they dispersed, I was able to see what they were pecking at. And it was fried chicken. Like someone had just dumped their half-finished bucket of KFC out on the street. That’s when it hit me. Birds. Flocking around the fried chicken like it was the holy grail. Birds! Smacking their beaks with the deliciousness of fried bird flesh! Those winged fuckers are nasty, is all I’m saying.” –amy c

“‘I’m feeling pretty strange myself.’ ‘It’s called an erection.’ ‘I know what’s it’s cal– look, I was doing a thing. Wait, I’ve got another one: wanna give me a stroke? BOOM. Seriously, though, we should have sex.'” –bunivasal

“I’ve read about ‘women!’ Is it true what they say, about them not having wieners?” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Okay, give me her name and I’ll find out her status.’ Looks like we’re in for a heartwarming episode in which Tommie learns about HIPPA.” –Nekrotzar

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• My Inappropriate Life: From comedian Heather McDonald! Some material not suitable for small children, nuns, or mature adults. The Chelsea Lately writer and star and New York Times bestselling author explains her outrageous attempts to have it all — her way.

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