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Ha ha, suckers, I’ve already left for my Memorial Day weekend, which means your COTW has arrived unexpectedly early!

“Wouldn’t layoffs in Milford be charmingly and anachronistically referred to as laydowns?” –Dood

And the also hilarious runners up!

“No, seriously, my handball league is scheduled to share the gym tonight. Where are we gonna play?” –js

“I don’t think our tax dollars should used to pay people to teach fat cats.” –Pozzo

“Tip o’ the day: If you’re gonna have sex with a coffee maker, be sure to use a filter. Let’s keep it safe out there.” –Sequitur

“It strikes me that there are probably dozens of considerably more organic scenarios in which this ‘I gain weight just thinking about food’ gag could have been just as effectively (i.e. not at all effectively) deployed, which leads me to suspect this may be some kind of sociological experiment to ascertain just how much shit people will take before the bloody revolution ensues.” –Violet

“So sure, Sarge is gay. But apparently Corporal Yo is a 10 year old who’s just teetering on the edge of puberty, and wants to know if the changes he’s going through are normal. ‘Do you ever get excited when you see a pretty girl? I think I’m growing hair in strange places.'” –Dan

“Can only web — one of them — unless I use — both hands. Not worth the — effort!” -AndyL

“Good realism in Trail today. I tell you, whenever I had to convince my parents that I actually had some free time and wasn’t, in fact, goofing off from school, I would just scream ‘MY CLASS WAS CANCELLED!’ That always sold it.” –Edgy DC

“It seems like everyone else is determined to ignore the dog-man’s boner in Pluggers, so I guess I’ll address it: ‘Answering machine messages about debilitating ailments are plugger phone sex.’ There, are you happy? I hate myself now.” -Doctor Handsome

“Ah, yes. Kicking Momma’s Ladder, one of Cab Calloway’s lesser-known works. The song is, of course, about smoking dope.” –Red Greenback

“Flamboyant boobs, nice derrieres, disdain for the laws of physics, no regard for plot continuity — I know I’m hooked. That Stan Lee is a genius and he’s laughing all the way to the bank.” –ArchieNemesis

“Pulsating, wild … um … uninhibited? Are you buying any of this?” –Chyron HR

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Damn it, I thought that since the Rapture was going to happen Saturday there was no point in bothering with the comment of the week Friday night, but 6 pm has come and gone and we’re all still here, so might as well put it up.

“I can’t be the only one reading resentment and spite into Doris’s dialogue in A3G, can I? ‘I won’t be able to leave until I throw this into the crowd? Fine. Here you go, assholes! Now get out of my way.’ I mean, why else would she toss the bouquet like that, overhand and facing forward? My guess is she deliberately threw it at Paul because she wanted to make the other ladies sad. Meanwhile, poor dim Lu Ann just says what she sees. Five minutes ago, it was ‘Paul! You ate food!'” –thebirdgirl

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I’m trying to imagine you with all those pretty girls, Killer, but my vision is obscured by a cloud of pepper spray.” –NoahSnark

“The mournful words from her companion’s mouth were merely a dull buzz to Elviney. She had seen the perversion of the man, pale and smelling of powder and chemicals. While this had turned Loweezy away, Elviney could barely resist its sick draw. She would be back for the still man-thing, under cover of night, and she would have her way with it.” –Katie Cunningham

“I love how the little narration box has no punctuation at all. Ordinarily, I feel like your main character being shoved violently (by … a stick, I guess) into a pit of undetermined depth would elicit an exclamation point, or even an ellipsis to broaden the suspense, but not even the inkers give a shit about Mark anymore. ‘Yeah, yeah, shoved in a pit, possible broken limbs or railroad spikes, we get it, pass the tequila.'” –els

“Oh for a speech bubble shouting ‘It’s about twenty feet deep! Suck it, Trail!'” –The McK

“Mary Worth: You know how sometimes, when you’re watching a movie or reading a book, you’re all on edge because you know the protagonist is making a terrible mistake, but other times, you don’t care, because the ‘protagonist’ deserves whatever pain he gets? This is the second thing.” –Cloudbuster

“Isn’t Pastor Tuttle notorious for mooching food and other subsistence items from his grindingly poor flock? Maybe his thoughts are just another means to his nutritional ends, as in, ‘I could tell you Brother Travis’ destination for another slice of pie.'” –Dood

“Mark’s underground prison seems brightly lit for a hole in the ground. Why doesn’t he just climb up the electrical conduit and escape?” –AhClem

“Drew doesn’t even realize he’s already on another date with Liza as they skate together in the hospital’s indoor physical therapy ice rink.” –sporknpork

“I know this isn’t revolutionary or anything, but for the record, Les Moore sucks. Why can’t his wife be alive and have him dead? Then we would know the book about Les’ Story would actually be entertaining because we get the thrill of knowing he dies at the end.” –Gene S.

“It would be cool if sunlight destroyed Martine and Morbius. But, this being the wimpy Spiderman strip, it’s more likely that sunrise will cure vampirism, leaving behind two mortified and very human ex-vampires. A scolding will ensue.” –Bill Thompson

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Crucial tech tips: Run the Crucial System Scanner to find out what type of memory you have installed.

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Hope that your weekend of happy fun times is all the happier because it begins with this week’s top comment:

“All hail Martine! Plumber’s apprentice to Dracula!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And these runners up are also fun!

“Yes, this is the first time we’ve had sex where you weren’t thinking of your dead wife, so I thought for a change that I would bring her up … so, are you thinking of her now?” –pugfuggly

“I love the sad, sad picture of Snuffy on that poster. He took his hat off and Lukey took a picture of his hangdog expression to commemorate the occasion. Lukey is kind of a dick.” –Faoladh

“If the tongue-waggin’, droopy boob scenes we see in Snuffy Smith are representative of the strip’s whole universe, then I doubt that there are any cute cat uploaders because there is nothing cute whatsoever in the poorly-drawn dystopia that is Hootin’ Holler. Even a baby seal’s mouth would become a yawning maw from which no adorableness can escape when it laughed.” –Neigedens

“Having told the duck all of her dark and terrible secrets Helga proceeded to kill it, cook it, and serve it to Hagar so he could understand her better without the terrible burdens of communication and knowledge.” –NoahSnark

“Look, I’m way beyond being bothered by the implication that Clovis intends to beat his wife for many more years, or the fact that Snuffy finds that hilarious. But Clovis’s facial expression in the last panel is fucking inexcusable. He looks like the world’s ugliest sea lion getting ready to perform cunnilingus on the devil.” –Doctor Handsome

“Les is a success at last! If only he had another book in him to keep the momentum going. What else could he Frey-fake-memoir about? No, gotta keep it real, since the Three Cups of Tea scandal they’re really checking. Too bad someone else close to Les isn’t dying. Too bad. Too bad. The white screen stares in front of him, mocking him with its emptiness. The kitchen knives call his name from their drawers. So many people in Westview in pain, and Les could fix it all. They’d thank him, really, especially when they get movies made about them. Cayla wants to be as famous as Lisa, doesn’t she? Of course she does. Of course. Go get those knives, Les. It’s all for the sake of art.” –MaryAnnTheRest

“I love Snuffy Smith’s reaction in the final panel there, clutching his head in disbelief. ‘Haw haw haw! Fifteen! You said fifteen! That’s definitely a thing that you said! … Okay, I dunno what a fifteen is.'” –Tophat

“I hope we can remain friends! If I’m lucky, she’ll say ‘yes’ when I get down on one knee and offer her this diamond friendship ring. And I hope she’ll accept my offer to move into my place, since I’ve really been struggling with the rent since my last roommate moved out and it’d be great to have a new roomie that I’m already friends with. You know, I don’t see how this breakup could go wrong at all!” –Krazy Kat

“Spider-Man is thinking, ‘I want to erect a monument to this conversation … where can I find a grade of marble boring enough?'” –Kibo

“Did you think the vampires in Twilight were awful? Just wait; Spider-Man features vampires who can’t even successfully turn into vampires. They can only melodramatically shrug at their inability to become vampires and then argue about it. On the other hand, they do have horrifically over-sized eyebrows.” –Alan’s Addiction

“What’s that? They want to make Lisa’s Story into a movie? And hire me as a consultant? Thanks, but I just got laid for the first time since she died and … I guess I’m just not that obsessed by it any more. Ok? Thanks — bye.” –cheech wizard

“I need a C-band uplink, gentleman. I shall also require some Grey Poupon.” –Ned Ryerson

“‘OH MARGO. I’M GOING TO CRY.’ ‘YES.’ ‘THIS IS DEFINITELY HOW THE HU-MANS PORTRAY EMOTION.’ ‘YES.’ ‘WE ARE NOT AT ALL UNFEELING SPACE ROBOTS FROM THE BEYOND.’ ‘NO.'” –commodorejohn

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Crucial tech tips: Run the Crucial System Scanner to find out what type of memory you have installed.
• The Faculty Club: At the most exclusive law school, there’s a secret society rumored to catapult its members to fame and fortune. Everyone is dying to get in…

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