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“I love today’s Spider-Man because it shows that Newspaper MJ and Newspaper Peter are perfect for each other. She just comes home, plops down on the couch, and just passes out mid-soliloquy. I hope there’s a gas leak or something.” –Roto13

MUST GATHER STRENGTH TO ACKNOWLEDGE HILARITY OF RUNNERS UP

“Being the happiest man in Santa Royale isn’t the loftiest of ambitions. Having Wilbur Weston as your main competition isn’t setting the bar very high.” –Pozzo

“My favorite part of today’s FW is the look on Cayla’s face. I’ve never seen a less willing participant in a conversation — she looks like she’s being held to that porch swing by some sort of smugness-based sorcery.” –Navigator

“The ‘F’ the prof gave Les was followed immediately by a ‘You’ and probably occurred about 35 seconds into their first encounter.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“‘I’d let you borrow the used car I own’? Is that the same as ‘my car?’ What kind of language communication are they speaking with their mouths?” –Mustang

“Also, forgive me if I’m out of the loop on this one, but isn’t the point of dressing for a Comic con to go dressed as some comic book character? Unless we’re willing to posit that Knute and Crystal are both aware that they’re really comic characters. But if that were true, surely the realization that they were characters in Luann would have long since driven them to a mutual suicide pact?” –Swordsmith

“There’s only one way to top a wacky diuretic joke like this. So now, in addition to the extreme heat, Americans need to be wary of Plugger enema jokes by the end of the week.” –gkl

“There’s something to be said for being the best at what you do, even if what you do is, like, completely terrible. Only Funky Winkerbean could render the protagonist’s decision not to behave like a vindictive, immature shitbag somehow depressing.” –Violet

“I love the way Spider uses the phrase ‘verbally assaulted.’ I think Spider’s a narc, man.” –bbofun

“It’s a metaphor, kid. Freedom is illusory.” –Dood

Mary Worth: “No, Jeff! Don’t start listing the reasons! And for God’s sake, don’t pull out the Powerpoint!” –Frank Lee Meidere

“Why not a paper tacked up on the wall with just the word ‘SPORTS!’ That would convey this is a manly little fellow interested in Sports!, and it would cover a wide range of activities, from ice dancing to MMA cage fights. SPORTS!” –anonymous

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Wait, did I talk about how hot it was last week? Well, it’s still hot, isn’t it? Anyhoo, here’s your comment of the week.

“Wait, Ziggy is a mammal? I hereby renounce my membership.” –BigTed

And the runners up! Very amusing!

“I was going to comment on the fact that self-serve gas stations are considered a modern development in Hi’s town. Then I got distracted by his grocery store purchases, which include two carrots, a quart of something beige, and an ostrich egg.” –Esther Blodgett

“How much to just listen? My wife will know me by the silence and heavy breathing!” –js

“I only wish this Archie was the start of an Inglorious Basterds homage which culminates in alternate history machine gun assassination of Jughead, history’s greatest monster.” –Dennis the Two and a Half Menace

“I find the Clean-Cut-Kids Gang’s plans for their loot to be kind of sweetly modest: ‘We’ll throw a big party! Heck, just by fencing the television sets, we can get the best plastic cups that money can buy! And no more buttercream frosting for us. It’s ganache all the way!'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“I’m pretty sure Ziggy’s fish is just giggling childishly at the word ‘Dick.’ And he’s right, that’s by far the funniest thing that’s ever been in the strip.” –Doctor Handsome

“How does one sexually harass a Luann character? By telling them there’s more to sex than double entendres?” –Dan

“Tiffany and Toni, like Liz in FOOB, have naturally plump, pale, ‘Luscious Lips o’ Loveliness®’ because LOOK AT ME I AM ATTRACTIVE. Ann’s lips are dark because she wears lipstick. Like a WHORE.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Does Dr. Jeff realize he now has to go ahead and *hold* the fundraising dinner? ‘People have expressed interest … our work here is done!'” –ks

“Les is smirking because of the man’s effrontery: ‘Does he compare his love for his wife with the profundity of my passion for Lisa? What fools these mortals be! Does he know that when they make love, his wife closes her eyes and fantasizes that Chemosabe is me? Because every woman craves me and my sincerity!’ And fifty other sentences that express the fullness of Les’s self-absorption.” –Droopy Says

“I like to think that the jagged dividing line is actually trying to attack Lu Ann in today’s Apartment 3-G for her unbelievably boring dialogue.” –Alan’s Addiction

“So, while Alan is basking in a hero’s adulation for — what? falling on a giant bed and not dying? — our Baby-Killer Contract Babe is being strapped to a gurney and whisked off to Bellevue where she’ll be connected to a continuous IV drip of Klonopin and Haldol, spending the rest of her days counting the cracks in the ceiling and mumbling incomprehensibly to herself. And does Alan — who 10 minutes prior was telling said BBCB his life story to show her how much he cares about her — ask about her or show any curiosity over what might have taken place on the roof after his pratfall? No: he’s too busy defacing Fire Department property.” –Mudhead

“I finally caught up on the last week of Mary Worth. Why didn’t anyone tell me I missed absolutely nothing?” –Gene S.

Mark Trail: “I could watch this scene unfold for another couple days, easy. Wouldn’t it be great if Rusty became entrapped under the getaway van?” –ArchieNemesis

“I think we’re being too hard on Ann Eiffel. The poor woman is just looking for a little love and the fact that she is looking for it to happen with Brad DeGroot proves that she has either hit rock-bottom or is insane or something. She needs our sympathy, not our scorn.” –Terrapin

“You’re too late, Dr. Jeff … look at Mary’s skirt in panel one. Her heart belongs to Zorro!” –Mumblix Grumph

“‘Get in!’ ‘Uhm, no thanks, Mr. Toad. I’ve heard about your wild rides.'” –Dood

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Works In Progress: A webcomic full of grayscale and shenanigans. Good for your kidneys! (Note: Claims unverified. Read at your own risk.) Updates Tuesdays and Saturdays.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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As muggy July settles in, enjoy this fine comment of the week:

“This is the first time the Crock lettering was big enough for me to realize they’ve gone to a font instead of hand lettering. Where are the standards?! We’re definitely devoting an entire session to this switch at Crock-Con this year!” –Edgy DC

And the runners-up! Hilariousness!

“That rabbit doesn’t strike me as stoned. More like depressed, probably because this is his first glimpse of the nightmarish police state that makes up the Slylock Fox universe. While his friends are cowering in fear at their red, furry judge and jury, Rabbit-Boy has taken up quiet resignation at his helplessness against the vulpine and rodent based justice system.” –KevinK

I love Slylock’s absolute lack of interest in this case. ‘Yeah yeah, sorry about your, you know, broken thingy. It was probably Slick Smitty, or Count What’s-His-Face, or — HEY MAX IT’S MY TURN TO BE ISSAC NEWTON.'” –Irrischano

Mary Worth: “Okay, I’m becoming convinced that the artist uses urethane and silicon Japanese robots first as models and then, making sure they are stiffly and unnaturally posed, goes to work. (And by ‘work’ I mean has sex with them.)” –Greg

“Ziggy applied for political asylum when Castro’s pro-pants party took over. ‘These cheeks must never be denied!’ cried Ziggy as he rowed a boat fashioned from his giant nose towards freedom.” –Dennis the Two and a Half Menace

“At least Loweezy prepared for the hangover by going to bed with an icepack on her head. That *is* what that is, isn’t it? Because otherwise she’s wearing a nightcap over a shawl, and that’s just fucked.” –Pozzo

“Ha ha, there goes my cell phone again! Phones totally go, ‘Beep beep beep’ in 2011! That is in no way a medical device informing me that my colostomy bag has reached its capacity! So, how about that rapscallion Archie Andrews, huh?” –Doctor Handsome

“If don’t get any answers, Dr. Corey’s gonna karate chop a bitch! I’ll show them for coming to a hospital for healing!” –Black Drazon

“I like how, in a joke about editorial cartoons, the Crock artist went ahead and just wrote the word ‘outpost’ on the outpost. Now he only needs to write ‘taxes’ on one rampaging horde and ‘runaway spending’ on the other, and he’s home free.” –Dan

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Works In Progress: A webcomic full of grayscale and shenanigans. Good for your kidneys! (Note: Claims unverified. Read at your own risk.) Updates Tuesdays and Saturdays.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.