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Hope you’re all enjoying your June as much as I know you’ll enjoy this week’s comment of the week!

“From inside the burlap sack, Jones listened carefully. It had taken a year of fasting and surgical alterations that his doctor called ‘highly unusual and disturbing’ for Jones to fit into the chicken costume, but the time was finally here. He’d show Smith a thing or two about chickens, he thought, caressing the sawed-off shotgun cunningly built into his beak. The costume’s beak. They were the same now. The man, the chicken, the gun, they sweated in the sack, waiting to hatch. Waiting to count.” –Voshkod

Your runners up are also quite enjoyable!

“As a criminal, isn’t claiming to own a time machine just begging the cops to pin every single crime they can think of on you? Weirdly now has no alibi for anything — not JFK, not the black plague, not the assassination of Julius Caesar. He is going DOWN.” –jerp+jump

“‘What’s got you smiling, Biz?’ ‘I’m extremely high on varnish fumes!’” –Lorelei

“You might think, ‘doesn’t the Catholic Church forbid divorce?’ However, Hagar takes place in the early Middle Ages, while marriage as a sacrament, like many other Christian dogmas that seem original, became part of Canon Law only in the late Middle Ages. For this feudal lord, divorce is just a regular part of life. Unfortunately, dying by an heathen’s axe to the head is also another regular part of life.” –Ettorre

“It’s nice to see some consequences for Slylock’s nonsense. He’s had so many cases thrown out allowing repeat offenders to commit so many minor crimes that he’s been bumped down to investigating mean e-mails, and even that’s not going to go well when word gets back to the captain. ‘He WHAT??! Printed them out and used a magnifying glass? FOX! My office, NOW!’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“LEVEL 5 CATEGORY OMEGA WARNING: FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. I REPEAT, FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. GO HOME, HUG YOUR FAMILIES FOR THE LAST TIME, AND PREPARE FOR THE END” –Schroduck

“The other really sad thing about Hi and Lois is that Chip is a teenager but he only comes up to his parents’ shoulders. I don’t care if he’s holding a sandwich with a bite out of it (like a saint holding the instrument of her martyrdom), feed that boy!” –matt w

“So wait, is Milford ‘juvie’ just a division of the high school athletics department? How many other municipal services do they run? It’s no wonder this town is obsessed with their high school sports: if they make it to regionals the town might be without police or firefighters for a week.” –pugfuggly

“Woah, Lois really wasn’t expecting her family to actually care about this information. Look, they’re smiling. They’re expressing interest! It’s blown her mind. She needs to put more sedatives in their food before things get nuts.” –made of wince

“If you’re going to tell a poo-related joke, maybe don’t give us a glimpse of the character’s rear at the same time? Especially when they have … tailfeathers? Honestly, I don’t know what the heck is going on back there, and I don’t want to.” –BigTed

“‘I didn’t see it, but I sensed it went vaguely that direction!’ ‘Good enough! We’ll just amble in that direction! We’re bound to run into the perp!’” –Buck Ripsnort

“I’m not worried. When they see Greta’s bow tie, the fighting dogs will assume she’s a referee, and follow her commands.” –Chazhouston

“How many food trucks will they have been lead to and ordered from before they realize Max cannot track Greta?” –Kevin On Earth

“You’re going to take well-paying work? When you could be getting the high quality education available at a college that’s so desperate that it accepts people who apply at the end of June?” –Rube

“We are supposed to believe that Dennis was such a hellion that he drove her to tears. However that’s not how these things work. What really happened is that her boyfriend broke up with her by text, and she cried herself to sleep. He is now reviewing the thread on her phone for tips and techniques for when he, inevitably, has to do the same with Margaret.” –richardf8

“We can take some comfort knowing Snuffy uses French about as incorrectly as anyone could ever use French. What are we thinking, folks? ‘Ow contryary?’ “Oh contreeree?’
‘Eau d’country?’ Either way he just lifted Uriah’s wallet.” –Blackdrazon

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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If it’s the end of the week, it must be time for the comment … of the week.

“Hey Slylock: did you know that reptiles also don’t sweat? Or have opposable thumbs? Or attend jewelry trade shows at hotels, generally? So maybe take it easy on the zoology-based evidence.” –pugfuggly

And time for the hilarious runners up!

“Picturing an arc of electricity instantly killing the kids right where they stand as Billy slices through a buried utility cable.” –Godless Communist Orc, on Twitter

“We live in a nation divided on the controversial subject of whether or not oculosexual couples should be allowed to marry, but it’s important to remember they suffer from the same major problem in bed as facinormative couples: premature ejaculation.” –jroggs

“The Keene kids obviously believe that dinosaurs bones and Egyptian sarcophagi would be found together in American soil because they’ve been taught they existed in the same time frame.” –But What Do I Know?

“Let me break it to you gently, Saul. You see this dog food dish labeled ‘Greta’? Well, that’s ironic, because…” –seismic-2

“Oh no, Gil wants us to go phone shopping with him. He says he hasn’t seen a rotary landline in 30 years and needs our help.” –Colonial

“Listen, I’m not here to judge. If that croc wants to look beautiful for just a few minutes, far from the prying eyes of their typical basking site, well, it’s internalized mammalist body standards, but what is that to you and me?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Hello? Front desk? A crocodile is about to leave with no pants on. He’s a reptile pervert! Intercept him before he gets to the lobby! Also, he’s a jewelry thief, I guess.” –Chance

“If I had to guess which comic strip character would be signing up for EST in order to transform their ability to experience living so that the situations they had been trying to change or had been putting up with clear up just in the process of life itself, Mr. Wilson would be far down on my list.” –Weaselboy

“I’m getting a real Game of Thrones vibe from this situation. It’s what happens when you see a character being menaced by violence, but you realize the greater danger is from the gross diseases that occur when someone doesn’t change their clothes or bathe for eight months at a time.” –BigTed

“I don’t think a city in southern California is an unlikely place for evil to infiltrate at all, actually. Really, it’d be stranger if it didn’t.” –Noel

“‘A little juvie never killed anyone’ — meanwhile, in the next panel, the other player appears to have gotten a tear drop tattoo from her time in the slammer.” –Philip

“One proscribed form of heresy was to depict Noah’s Ark as smaller than that its biblical proportions — the idea being that a small ark leads to a lot of ‘How did all the animals fit?’ scepticism. Given that this ark is so small that the camel has apparently died of overcrowding, I imagine the Hagar team will be getting their excommunication letters from the Vatican any day now.” –Schroduck

“The theological implications that Noah was just some doorknob who put animals on a boat while everyone else got about their lives after maybe their basements flooded after a particularly heavy rain are pretty heavy for a joke-a-day comic strip.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Finally some good news about pluggers: ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it!’” –Ettorre

“Pluggers worry when they nick themselves shaving because any open wound might mean wearing a neck cone for two weeks.”–nescio

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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That’s right folks: it’s the 2nd Friday of the month, and you know what that means: LIVE ON-STAGE COMEDY IN LOS ANGELES, FROM YOURS TRULY!

Here is the Facebook event! Go forth and proclaim your allegiance to me and my stable of laffmasters!

Even if you steadfastly refuse to come to the show, you can still enjoy the comment of the week:

“‘Vape crime? Marty, let me tell you a little about how we roll around here,’ he said as he opened his anarchy-black Honeycrisp laptop. ‘Ain’t no crime if there ain’t no law.’” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

And laugh at the hilarious runners up!

“Looking forward to seeing Dick Tracy punch out a guy with a vaguely telephone-shaped head a few weeks from now.” –Rex Thrillhouse, on Twitter

“So where’s the paisley??? You can’t drag in ‘paisley’ as some sort of dreadful decorating choice and then go with solid yellow walls and solid green countertops for the background in every dang panel. You bring up paisley, you effing DRAW THE PAISLEY, Tom Armstrong! I suppose you think that, just because no one wants you to draw the perennial poop, you can just sit down on the job like this. NO SIR! This is sheer laziness and phoning it in, and I, for one, am disgusted!” –Twinkles the Elf

“Okay, so, the writers of Dennis the Menace go, what, about half a century without any new named characters, then one Sunday we get CJ, Bailey, Dodger Dog and Coach Mark? Looks like somebody got a memo from Corporate, rebelled mentally for a few minutes, then decided, ‘Okay, fine, whatever.’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“While Toby and Mary chat, Ian sits down for lunch at his favorite back alley restaurant, ‘The Barkery.’ ‘Hmm, today’s special is hotdog.’” –Hibbleton

“I love how Mary insists that Toby inform her about any Greta sightings, instead of Saul himself. ‘Saul is in an emotionally sensitive place right, now, so it’s important that we manage the flow of information. Also, I have a few really great pearls of wisdom to lay on him, but they only really work within a few specific situations, so I really need to be there…’” –pugfuggly

“Look at Dagwood’s hunched posture, putting him eye-level against the smaller, but better postured, blue collar worker. The underpaid creative staff of Blondie are secretly exposing the bourgeois degeneracy of the upper middle class having to slouch and come down to the level of the newly empowered and rising working class. Daisy certainly senses the shift in societal relationships, and she is worried class resentment will spiral into violence.” –Philip

“I may not be his biggest fan … that of course would be the president of the Old Man Wynter Fan Club. But I do subscribe to their newsletter. It’s a good hate-read.” –Peanut Gallery

“Luigi Pirandello’s Six Creatures in Search of a Roadrunner and Coyote is one of his lesser known plays for a reason, but bravi to Slylock Fox for trying to stage it.” –Voshkod

“Joel with a smartphone feels very weirdly anachronistic. As opposed to the continued existence of Gasoline Alley as an ongoing comic, I guess.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The donkey is actually the region’s top neurologist. Rufus is in good hooves.” –Mrs. Jon Arbuckle

“That’s true, our ad did say there was no dress code. I am now realizing that might have been a mistake, and should probably take the chance to fill the position while I haven’t been exposed to more than bare feet.” –pachoo

“I was all in on today’s strip, then I realized that the donut has eyebrows. Donuts don’t have eyebrows!!!” –Weaselboy

“I would have thought that Leroy was a sexist pig who would only interact at parties with women he saw as sex objects. But he is open to talk with a normal-looking woman if it serves humiliating his wife. Which is … better, I guess?” –Ettorre

“No chyrons? No crawls? No graphics? Santa Royale TV News fills the whole screen, Mary. You don’t have to sit a foot and a half away from the TV.” –astroboy

“Classic June Morgan. Someone tries to tell a story with possibly interesting conflict and June shuts that shit the fuck down.” –jroggs

“Mary still hasn’t connected this crime wave to the very existence of her favorite local TV show, The Lost Dog Hour.” –BigTed

“Gil’s eyes are simply welling up with tears. He’s probably flashing back to his own addiction in college. They used to call him Three Pack Thorp. Yep, he could tell you some stories. (He can’t, but I can dream.)” –made of wince

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!