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Hey kids! Though it’s the wee hours of the morning, I am still here to offer up this week’s top comment:

“You know what’s been great about Mary Worth this week? Mary Worth hasn’t been in it.” –Inspector Dim

And the runners-up … a lot of ’em this week, but they all kept me in stitches:

“In other news, Michael’s crappy novel has arrived, guaranteeing us a very painful couple of weeks. I’m going to need a vat of ice cream sprinkled with Vicodin to get through this.” –Whippersnapper

“How does ’Shaft have a t-shirt tanline? All he’s ever worn in his entire life is that filthy, filthy jacket.” –Tweeks_Coffee

“I think Cassandra and the boys in blue at the police station have a thing for each other, which is why she keeps setting up these obvious scams and they keep pretending to play along. If Slylock keeps interposing himself in their affairs, he’s looking to take a 45-caliber nap one of these days.” –Harold

“Over the decades, I have received many hundreds of books in the mail. I don’t recall ever receiving one packaged with styrofoam shipping peanuts. On the other hand, over the decades I have frequently received hazardous waste samples for analytical testing. They were very often packaged in styrofoam shipping peanuts. Draw your own conclusions.”–Saxman

“‘My book! My writing! I’m just like Hemingway!’ Yeah, without the pistol.” –bats :[ on Mike Patterson

“I notice that Deanna is becoming familiar with publishing terms like ‘advance copy.’ Soon, her education will be augmented with terms like ‘remaindered’ and ‘returned.'” –willethompson

“The Judge Parker water politics storyline is freaking me out. If had guessed which daily comic strip would be ripping off Chinatown, it wouldn’t have been JP. It would have been either Doonesbury, for the penetrating gaze into the human condition, or The Family Circus, for the incest.” –ratnerstar

“Only one story was important enough today to make the front page of the latest edition of NEWS — the story important enough to merit three-inch-high headlines screaming ‘ESCAPEES ELUDE DRAGNET!’ I can hardly wait for Rex and Niki to get to that unmarked road next month! Clearly: they have a date with ADVENTURE! Oh, and pederasty as well, obviously.” –Fred P.

“I’m no geologist, but it seems to me that, lurking somewhere like a will o’ the wisp in the dark swamp which is Cully’s brain, there is some notion, with his ‘A bunch of us did it all the time,’ of the concept of ‘assumption of risk’ by his late victim. If Mr. Victim, in the supposition based on numerous encounters in the recent past that all would go well, offered himself willingly into Mr. Vale’s power, and Mr. Vale, acting under the same supposition, and acting without coercion, and without covert intent to harm, merely followed through in the normal activities and details of the same pastime that Mr. Victim had decided of his own free will to partake of, and had indeed perhaps partaken of in the past on numerous occasions, then, m’lud, I submit to you that my client the unfortunate Mr. Vale is himself the true victim of this ghastly accident — if accident it be! Indeed, with my next witness, I intend to lay out to the court the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue which will shortly m’lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous that your lordship will reel back in horror and dismay. Call Cardinal Richelieu!” –odinthor

“Well, I say, take heart, little Jeffy; and keep your chin up even though I know it’s difficult since your poor neck is straining under the weight of that megacephalic melonhead of yours.” –Paperback Rifler

“The other nagging question is, is he wearing it ironically? I think the answer is no. I don’t think Drew would recognize irony if it leapt out of the ocean and stabbed him with its proboscis.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“Wow, Margo isn’t a very nice person, is she?” –Dollface

“Alas, brave Homer! Like Odysseus reuniting with fair Penelope after facing peril and tribulation, perhaps you too will win back your true love with your tale of daring and adventure. You might want to leave out the part where you got knocked out by a fish.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“The standard line on Family Circus is, of course, that it sucks and sucks hard. There is a great deal of evidence to support this theory … whole decades worth, in fact. However, in just the last couple of weeks, there have been at least three FC panels here that I consider actually pretty funny, all of them featuring Dolly, who is fast becoming my favorite FC character. I’ve recently admired the cool, Zen-like logic with which she has discussed dead flowers (‘these flowers are done being flowers’) and candy which has fallen on the ground (‘it belongs to the ants’). In the cartoon above, we see another side of Dolly’s personality: a wariness of an all-powerful God. Dolly and her siblings have obviously been raised in a Christian home, but she seems to be the only one who has intuited that God is not always Mr. Nice Guy. Here, fearing her prayer might be dreadfully misinterpreted, she begs her Creator not to kill a nice old lady. Based on God’s track record, Dolly’s fears are quite well-founded. Good call, Dolly. You display a wisdom which has utterly eluded your imbecilic siblings.” –Joe Blevins

“Of course the governor has time to spend an entire night partying at the Old Haunted Hennessy Mansion — which I assume is one of those scary houses people set up for Halloween. He’s obviously finished dealing with every one of his state’s problems, judging from his immaculately empty desk.” –BigTed

“‘If Dick Tracy will do it, so will I.’ That is probably the most dangerous statement ever made. The street will be lined with scalded bodies tonight.” –evie oh oh

And let’s say some kind words for our sponsors as well:

• Sister Mary Dracula: Awesomeness from faithful reader Gerry Mooney! In the spirit of the season, Gerry has knocked a buck off the price between now and Halloween, so Comics Curmudgeon readers can now score Chapter One for just two dollars. That’s like eight cents a page!
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In honor of Cassandra Cat’s recent appearance, I thought I’d share a couple lovely pics of that extra-special Bob Weber, Jr.-designed Cassandra Cat merchandise. First up is three-month-old Emma Parsnip, daughter of faithful reader Frank:

But despite what this and other merchandise pics might imply, Cassandra Cat-themed clothing is not just for infants! Adults can wear it too, as faithful reader littlefox demonstrates:

Make like these two and get Cassandra Cat stuff of your very own!

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Well, the King Feature comics appear to be down (curse you, Chennux!), so you may have to wait until Monday for your Sunday comics, but to tide you over until then, here’s the comment of the week!

“I absolutely loved Rex’s expression in the last panel today. He kind of looks like the victim of a drive-by prostate exam.” –Zamboni_Rodeo

And the runners-up!

“Creepy DiCaprio face wears an expression that seems to say, ‘I know how many times you drew me, and I know which hand you used.'” –Plus a constant

“I really liked the sad little wave that the flower deliver guy made in the first panel of Mary Worth. He’d been in comics before, usually as one of the guys to fill in the crowd in a Charterstone party scene, but today, they were actually giving him a speaking part. True, it was only ‘Flowers for you, miss,’ but it was his ticket to the big-time. He knew they’d be so impressed with his work, they’d give him a full-time part, maybe as the wacky deliveryman. He might even get his own catchphrase. When he got to the door, though, he choked; his mind went blank. It was just like that time in elementary school during the play. He remembered the laughter — second graders could be so cruel. Still, Vera was a trouper; she managed to grab the roses out of his cold, sweaty, clutching hands. Then, as if in a dream, he saw himself walking away. For some reason he even waved at Vera as he went. Sure, as soon as he was off-panel he managed to blurt out ‘FLOWERSFORYOUMISS!!!’ but it was too late. His one shot, and he’d blown it. He might as well move back to Indiana. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” –Jason Smith

“Why does Vera dress like Janet Reno? All the time. I know there’s a section at the department store that contains clothes like these, along with housecoats and sans-a-belt pants, but you have to be, like, 65 to shop there. It’s the law.” –Burning Prairie

“You know what I’ve noticed about Beetle Bailey? The tanks are just adorable. In fact, most of their military hardware is downright fluffy. I wonder if in the bizarre world of Beetle Bailey, where infantrymen occasionally drive tanks, they’re preparing for World War Cute.” –Gabe

Luann: “Actually, TJ, you’re getting off lucky. At least Tiffer is making a deal up front instead of making off with the profits with the express purpose of a purchase of nose candy. Fifty-fifty seems better than fair under these circumstances. Remember, Tiffany has a lot of balls in the air, and two of them are yours.” –Jamus The Bartender

“Roses are red/ Florists wear blue/ but nobody gives/ a fuck about Drew.” –lunarhalo

“There’s not even a joke in Ziggy! (Which I know is like saying there’s no Vegas showgirls under the sea.)” –dogwallow

“o nki u so fn, u so fn u blw m mnd, hy nki” –Sans Sense

“Every time I think this can’t get more depressing, Batiuk proves me wrong. Today, Les’s wallet is stolen by his smirking long-lost twin brother. Tomorrow, he’ll fall into a pile of manure left by a smirking horse taking a smirking couple on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park. Saturday, he’ll be eaten alive by ravenous smirking squirrels.” –Whippersnapper

“Attagirl, panel-three Margo: get your drink arm into prime fauxgnac-splashin’ position in case Mills says something objectionable.” –Josh Millard

“OK, any time you have some guy held over your head in your backyard, somebody’s going to get hurt. Especially when you are clearly high.” –Shmork

“This is as good a time as any to comment on the creepiness of Jamaal’s facial hair.” –praepes

“Cully Vale sounds like someone who gets hanged at the end of a Thomas Hardy novel. Or a doublewide housing development. Or both.” –Islamorada Girl

“Yes, it is getting to the point where it’ll be something like, ‘You’re a plugger if you have four fingers and an opposable thumb!’ Which, of course, rules out many construction workers, do-it-yourself-ers, and war veterans … and, frankly, the entire Pluggers cast. But still.” –Jennifer

Also! Apropos of nothing except that I’m always trying to encourage people to take pictures of themselves imitating comics characters: Faithful reader illyanadmc got a haircut recently that looked a bit more Dawn Weston-esque than she had hoped. Seeking to turn lemons into lemonade, she posed for a picture imitating Dawn’s rose-sniffing scene from last Sunday:

Also also! Faithful reader Dingo alerts Chicago-area readers to this event: Scott McCloud of Understanding Comics fame will be giving a talk called “Comics: A Medium in Transition” at Film Row Cinema. It’s open to the public!

Also also also! Faithful readers Jules and Amy are lucky souls whose local newspaper (the Kalamazoo Gazette) actually ran Gil Thorp in print form (in the sports pages, natch). But now it’s been summarily cut! If you’d like to help them keep hope and Gil alive, send a polite letter to sports editor Howard Thomas.

And finally … as ever, it’s time to give our advertisers a holla. (Is that what the kids call it today? A “holla”?)

• Sister Mary Dracula: Awesomeness from faithful reader Gerry Mooney! If you’ve clicked over there and enjoyed what you saw but been leery of using your credit card online, you can now order direct from Gerry Mooney Studio by check, and he’ll even autograph your copy. Just ask!
• Attain salvation: The Electric Church is the fastest growing religion in the System of Federated Planets. Visit our website to speak to a monk today!
• Learn to draw the human figure: Acclaimed anatomy training course! Used by leading entertainment studios worldwide in 60 countries — the likes of LucasFilm, ILM, RedStorm, Midway, Blizzard. Learn to draw the human figure from your mind for illustration, comic books, manga, anime, game design, and all art fields.
• Dark Hunger: Desire takes a new form in this manga-style graphic novel from #1 New York Times bestselling author Christine Feehan.
• Treat yourself!: Shana Logic loves Joshreads fans because they are independent, rockin’, super nice art lovers! That’s why they know you’ll love Shana Logic’s hip & hot jewelry, killer ties for men, home decor & iPod gear, unusual plushes, and more!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.