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Hello y’all! It’s the first Friday of the month and that means if you are in or near Los Angeles, you should be coming to The Internet Read Aloud, live on stage at the Clubhouse, at 1607 N. Vermont! I am hosting and our comics include newcomer Jeena Bloom, show fav Patrick Susmilch, and superstar Laser of the Doubleclicks! Don’t miss it, man! What else are you doing on a Friday night? Nothing cool, I bet!

You know what is cool, though? This week’s comment of the week.

“White rice with hamburger gravy with a side of roasted carrot? Sounds like something you’d feed a puppy with indigestion, which … [scans Zak’s face] checks out, actually.” –pastordan

Also cool? Those very funny runners up:

“My Mom didn’t want me, after all; it was some other lady calling her son. This neighborhood is lousy with Elmos.” –Pozzo

“With biology having failed to do the job through heart disease or diabetes despite decades of ludicrously terrible diet, it’s up to physics to finally kill Dagwood Bumstead no matter what.” –jroggs

“Iris is limited to the number of guests she can entertain at one time, as she possesses only one square plate, two glasses, a bent olive fork, and a single dining chair. Zak graciously overlooks these things and is content to sit on a stack of phone books, but privately he wishes Iris had supplied a table napkin, as he inexpertly tries to maneuver the ‘white rice with hamburger gravy’ to his mouth.” –Charterstoned

“Say what you want about Count Weirdly’s ethically-questionable methods (and his pathetic alibi), but he’s just a White Hat Hacker trying to do some good in the world. While the Animal Forest does absolutely nothing to stop Brendan Beaver from watching the most filthy and degrading rodent-porn available on the dark web, this internet vigilante has used his mad skills to instead fill the Beaver household with chess wholesomeness. And before you say it, that Octopus asked to be put in a cage, okay?” –Carsick Yankee

“God damn Weirdly, pick a menacing pet and go with it. You think Blofeld shows up for an evil plot with a whole petting zoo on his lap? Maybe that’s why he’s running SPECTRE from a volcano lair, and you’re … what’s your scheme this time? [skims, shakes head]” –Dan

“My Nan used to make this for me … but then I grew teeth and she made me real food.” –Hibbleton

“We got a brief glimpse to a multi-ethnic world of Mary Worth, where people are allowed to refer to their grandmothers with culturally diverse nicknames. Luckily, that portal of madness was immediately closed shut.” –Ettorre

“Judging by those biceps I see that Zak has entered the ‘spends his days working out rather than personally running his business because the VC money he’s already pocketed guarantees he won’t be materially affected by any downturns’ phase of tech overlordship.” –Effluvius Erratus

“If The Phantom was nothing but a wandering, flaming skeleton every single day, readership would skyrocket. It would create a media empire that nothing could stop.” –BeckoningChasm

“I know that the ‘pirate treasure chest’ is just a trope that has little to do with the historical reality of privateering, but I’m tickled that this particular chest seems to contain engagement rings still in the box, as if Blue Beard just raided Tiffany’s.” –pugfuggly

“A distinction should be made between a skeleton that is burning because you have just set it alight with a fireball, and a skeleton that is alight from some internally generated burning and eternal flame of pure hatred fueled, most likely, by natural gas. The menace level posed by the latter would be much more menacing, especially once their carbon footprint is appropriately accounted for.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“‘That why you shaved your head?’ is a shocking piece of dialogue, because it implies the existence of a single reason for one Dick Tracy character to look at another and think, ‘Gee, there’s a funny-lookin’ guy.’” –Vice President John Adams

“Woah, woah, sir, you’re gonna get all emotional about this. Oh wait, you’re Sam Driver. Never mind.” –made of wince

“Zak is really desperate to get out of eating the glop Iris prepared, but he didn’t think his plan through.” –taig

“‘Man bun’ is so culturally … wow. Passe, sarcastic, popular among people who are not, but someday may end up as, the Lockhorns. Tomorrow, Loretta can retaliate when Leroy is off to the post office, asking him if he’ll be using a ‘tramp stamp.’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Loretta is just feeding Leroy human hair for dinner now, such is the depth of her contempt” –SideshowJon

“In a vain attempt to make a happy moment, the Mary Worth team cut off the rest of Iris’s thought: ‘Why hast thou forsaken me?’” –Voshkod

And finally, I must give a shoutout to the faithful reader who posts only as Anonymous who took a look at Zak’s proposal stance and tried to figure out where everyone was in relationship to each other in that panel:

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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EVERYBODY! Next week, if you’re in LA, you should come to The Internet Read Aloud on, 10/7 at 7 pm, at the Clubhouse! It will be fun and you should not miss it. Here is the Facebook event!

This week, meanwhile, it’s the comment of the week!

“Film is so luminous … like Crankshaft’s eyes in the dark. What is he, a raccoon or something?” –Peanut Gallery

And your very funny runners up!

“I read that wrong and assumed that the cold cuts were what was clogging the sink in the first place, and he dug them out and was amazed at how much there was. That feels closer to an actual Blondie joke than what we were given.” –The Rambling Otter

“Film is so luminous … like Crankshaft’s eyes in the dark. What is he, a raccoon or something?” –Peanut Gallery

“I think we’re starting to see why the most recent owners of the Valentine weren’t successful. They tried to turn it into a strip club, but it was the kind of strip club that didn’t have a bar, or a stage, or erotic dancers, or anything a strip club typically has, and instead had theater seating, and a theater lobby, and film projectors, and instead of alcohol and sexy strippers they instead had popcorn and The Phantom Empire running on repeat.” –jroggs

“I also advise patients to brush after every meal, so I’m stopping home home to practice what I preach. I’ll be walking, so it might take a while. Don’t go anywhere.” –Inspector Gotcha

“Why not go for a swim? That ought to burn some calories, and the ocean is right there. Also, if I want medical advice I’ll go to Rex Morgan. Stay in your lane, Mary Worth.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

“So Henry just tears across meadows to get to wherever? And Dennis think he’s the menacing one?” –The Greathan

“For anyone who doubts Sam is actually a lawyer — or at least pretending to be one — today reveals he has the most important legal prop there is: a bookcase of monochromatic books. The tan ones could be any of the U.S. Reports series for Federal law. The blue and red books are probably subject-matter tomes (I have a row of blue ones for Search and Seizure and a row of red ones for National Security Investigations, for example). Now it’s possible he just bought them at an estate sale because he’d seen enough legal TV shows to know he needed rows of monochromatic books. But maybe he’s an actual bar certified lawyer, and in that case, may God help his clients.” –Voshkod

“Robbing a bank to build their spaceship seems a little dark, even for this strip.” –Where’s Rocky

“You can tell when someone is just throwing smart sounding words they vaguely know together to write a sesquipedalian character. They always try too hard. Like, I don’t care how many dictionaries you own, when you’re hopping on one leg because a piano ate your sock, you ain’t saying ‘betwixt.’” –jerp+jump

“Well of course time is their enemy! If it ever stops being 1986, Kaz is in trouble!” –2+2=7

“Jessica plans to rocket the gun from the dying planet Earth to Krypton, where it will grow to have powers far beyond that of mortal guns.” –Dr. Larry Erhardt

“Hi shows the high and low — pun full intended — of the middle-aged man’s libido. As his blonde wife extends her arms and presents herself to him, he insists that he has changed his mind about watching TV. But seeing her hideous orange sweater, he sourly notes there’s too much on and retreats to his sofa, his crushed desires sated by articles on the LIV and Rory’s amazing 2022.” –KMD

“‘I thought you were going to watch TV!’ Does Lois think you need to make an appointment or something? It’s OK, he can still turn it on at any time!” –pugfuggly

“I am kind of enjoying the picture of Siri as this fierce guardian of my accounts, rather than something that is capable of telling me the weather if she happens to recognize that I am asking.” –Rube

“Ho ho, just wandering my giant yard drinking coffee in the middle of the day, as you do. Ah, and there’s my neighbor, up to the exact same thing, simply wandering the boundaries of his property as he self-caffeinates. Perhaps a leisurely chat about his good-for-nothing son, who sat around all day doing nothing the whole summer. Can you imagine! Wherever would he get such an idea that that’s acceptable behavior!” –Thelonious_Nick

“For $18 a pop, Sam better be getting the entire police file, a key to the evidence room, and free use of a squad car on weekdays so he can play with the lights and siren.” –Inspector Gotcha

“You can see waitress Lila inwardly praying that Hank Jr. doesn’t have a grandson she’ll be contractually obligated to date someday.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“‘They’re the ones who choose the path they walk.’ Sounds like a setup for these two to stroll right off the end of the pier.” –cheech wizard

“When your bill says ‘pumpkin spice latte’ but your eyes say ‘4:20 blaze it, chickens.'” –pastordan

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks! Y’all know what time it is … actually, it’s time for two things, and the first is to remind you that if you’re in LA, you should come to The Internet Read Aloud in two weeks, 10/7 at 7 pm, at the Clubhouse! It will be fun and you should not miss it. Here is the Facebook event!

Oh, and it is of course ALSO time for the comment of the week. COTW y’all! Here it is:

“Have we ever seen a thought balloon in Funky Winkerbean before? I hope this isn’t a trend, because the last thing I need is insight into these characters’ inner lives.” –Pozzo

And here are your fun and cool runners up:

“With the vague throwaway panel, it’s almost as if we’re seeing the rest of the strip through Mary’s eyes as she checks in on her various ‘projects’ through the extensive Charterstone Video Monitoring System. Thank goodness she managed to get that nightcam vision camera in at Jared’s apartment in time!” –pugfuggly

“Does Abbey realize she doesn’t have to literally run for mayor?” –nescio

“I have people in my life who love me. Like my dad. The elderly woman who lives next door to my dad. And … I want to say Callie? Kathleen? The woman who eats while I talk about myself, we’re very close.” –Dan

“I would dearly love to know what criteria Wilbur is using to declare ‘I have everything going for me!’ I know his self-delusion runs deep, but it’s always fascinating to see how far down it goes.” –TheDiva

“In Jeff’s panel we get bananas. In Mary’s panel, we get pie. Following up on a week’s worth of Mary singing the praises of masturbation, Moy has given up on all attempts at subtlety. Tomorrow at the Bum Boat, Jeff slurps down a raw oyster while Mary bites into a lobster roll.” –Hibbleton

“Oh, Jeff! You showed up at just the right time! Of course I’ll have dinner with my favorite convenient narrative hinge tonight.” –pastordan

“Given Jenny’s large 100 lbs laptop, I suspect they’re actually starting an ‘I Heart the 2000’s’ collection. (Tommorow’s strip will be Marvin befouling a Juicy Couture tracksuit).” –2+2=7

“..and they say this guy is just one of the best plastic surgeons, and I no longer need look quite so much like an old-timey ventriloquist’s dummy. So that’s my story.” –made of wince

“This is pretty crafty by Lockhorns standards. The conflict is only implied, but it’s a brilliant stroke of passive aggression if we think about the events that must have preceded this phone call: Leroy put on the game and decided he was going to watch it and cheer for this team he doesn’t care about just to interfere with the dinner Loretta and Helen had probably been planning for at least a week.” –Amelie Wikström

“Given the release date of ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, the vinyl copy he has there must be some 12″ dance mix of it, too. Really committed to the bit.” –stormsweeper

“Clearly the author has received complaints from professional assassins that they do not wish to be confused with sloppy amateur murderers.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

“I want to read the rest of the Perfesser’s review. Is it 500 words of self-pity? Did he actually make it to the escape room where he had to be let out when time was up because he just sat in a chair staring morosely at a wall or did he pass it on the way to the bar but the building looks nice enough to warrant calling it a ‘review’? I will buy a newspaper for the first time in years if it means getting the full article. Unless that was the full article and Shoe sighs because he knows he’s not going to get any more words from that sad sack.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘The local judge was assassinated. We want you to take his place.’ ‘Because you want to show those criminals that Justice can’t be intimidated?’ ‘Uh, yeah, that’s it.’” –But What Do I Know?

“Funky Winkerbean: The Strip Where ‘Don’t mention the autopsy photos!’ Is Not Just A Punchline, But Isn’t Even The Main Punchline™” –Schroduck

“Anyone who talks to God without using an ad-blocker and a VPN is a fool.” –Oregonian

“Ninety percent of a plugger’s ideation is emitted as heat.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Since the Lockhorns are floating in a lightly gradiented void with a non-Euclidean horrordesk, maybe the joke is that they died and are haunting the new owners of the house? It’d explain why they’re always so cranky.” –matt w

“If a plugger is going to die soon then he’s sure as hell going to take us all with him.” –Truckosaurus

“Later, as it wallowed in a stew of eyeballs and matted blond hair, the brain had second thoughts.” –Voshkod

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!