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FOLKS! This month’s Internet Read Aloud is happening in a mere seven days, in the city of Los Angeles, California! Got a fun lineup and the price literally cannot be beat (unless someone is paying you to go to their comedy show, and which seems like madness).

Here is the link to the Facebook event! Please come if you are able, I promise you’ll have a good time!

Until then, to get your comedy chuckles, you should check out the comment of the week:

“I’m glad to see Sam has brought along his framed law license and diploma, since he will need to somehow earn a living. Is he still licensed to practice? Did he get his mandatory CLE hours every year? Does he realize he may lose his security deposit if he makes holes in the wall to hang those up?” –Arabella

And your runners up are also hilarious!

“Dawn and her friend have left the diner and taken this conversation to some place more appropriate: the local middle school.” –Hibbleton

“The only way the bolded my makes sense is if they were just discussing pranks Mr. Mitchell pulled at some other age. I’m gonna guess his latest prank was coming home with a print newspaper, as part of his ongoing campaign to shame Alice for her phone addiction.” –Peanut Gallery

“Coach Purpleshirt can’t wait to crush Milford just like he’s about to crush his tiny, delicate glass of limoncello.” –reader1!

“Mary is obviously starving for inside info on the Jared/Dawn breakup, and she’s so desperate to get it that she’s willing to make the ultimate sacrifice — actually spending time with Jared. Look at her in panel one. That’s the look of a junkie in need of a fix.” –Joe Blevins

“Everyone’s already mentioned the weird asparagus/carrot hybrid (asparrot? caragus?) so I’m going to focus on the wild rice, which does not grow naturally or commercially anywhere near the hill country where the Smifs reside. Loweezy is living a lie, claiming a subsistence existence while getting all her raw ingredients delivered from Whole Foods.” –TheDiva

“You can tell that Jenny is just going through the motions because she’s googling primary schools on a waffle iron.” –pugfuggly

“The obvious choice would be to let the chili dog win. Third panel is Mr. Dithers yelling at a giant 12-foot chili dog dejectedly standing next to the water cooler.” –nescio

“‘One morning, as Dagwood Bumstead was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous chili dog. He lay on his bread-enfolded back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, his red, meaty abdomen bulging with cow lips and hog ansues. From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place, because of the rapidly cooling mass of beans, cheap meat, congealing cheese, and sauce that covered him. His legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his circumference, flickered helplessly before his eyes. What’s happened to me, he thought. It was no dream. So, with enthusiasm but not without remorse, he began to eat.’ –Franz Kafka, The Meatamorphosis” –Voshkod

“Wow, Jared reverse-aged from, what, 52 in the first panel to 14 in the second. It must be the rejuvenative effects of … Flimmo (?) Soda and … [turns head, squints] a bag of CHIPS.” –jvwalt

“You might be a plugger if you’ve decided to try product placement, and THIS is what you came up with.” –Mysterion

“If you regret a technological innovation that is decades old, you’re a plugger trapped in a teenager body.” –Ettorre

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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As things get hotter and humider, the comments of the week continue and get funnier!

“A much worse possibility is that there is no Count Weirdly, just an endless series of barely-functional robots designed to massage the egos of animals roleplaying at being police in some terrible anthropomorphic Westworld. The nose and skin are all wrong, but that’s fine, they’re not meant to be accurate, just a mockery of an increasingly hazy memory of mankind that the animals can lord over with their knowledge of basic trivia. ‘I · HAVE · AN · ALIBI · I · WAS · SEEING · THE · PENGUINS · AT · THE · NORTH · POLE’ says Weirdly #217 as Slylock smirks and adjusts his tie.” –Dan

Your runners up are very funny as well!

“Today’s Dustin is just the rough draft of a Cathy.”–Lee Sherman

“I really hope Jared is suffering, because I kind of get the feeling that furiously masturbating whilst crying and thinking about hurt women might be his shtick.” –Hunterwali

“It would have been better if Dawn’s head had been in that thought bubble in the last panel. Or, even better, Queen Amidala.” –Joe Blevins

“Wearing outmoded hats? Hiding in dark caves underground for weeks at a time? Flashing alt-right hand gestures? Clearly Weirdly’s robot replicas are the ‘incels’ of the future (since he did not think to give them genitalia).” –Sir Oracle

“Zits is much better than Dustin at depicting young people, but we can all agree that Jeremy losing his virginity while cosplaying is too much realism!” –Ettorre

“I invented the Prince Valiant haircut, you know. A 12 pack, scissors, a bowl, and the rest is history” –made of wince

“It’s funny because that is not a man who is having a little nap at work, it’s someone who has injected some powerful opioids. I guess we all celebrate America’s victory in the space race differently.” –pugfuggly

“Dagwood is perched on his desk as his co-workers gather round. ‘I’m at the foot of the ladder. The LM footpads are only depressed in the surface about one or two inches, although the surface appears to be very, very fine grained, as you get close to it. It’s almost like a powder,’ he intones, and the crowd murmurs in admiration. ‘Okay. I’m going to step off the LM now.’ He steps from the desk to the chair. The crowd hushes, holding its collective breath. ‘Houston, that’s one small…’ The chair swivels. Dagwood falls, slamming his head on the desk as he goes down to the lunar dust he and his colleagues can almost imagine, his coma deep and lasting. Someone screams. The crowds scatters before Dithers can arrive. Dagwood’s limbs twitch. Soon someone is sending around an e-mail that starts with ‘[f]ate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace…’” –Voshkod

“Y’all really don’t see it? I guess my ‘Actually-Dithers-killed-Dagwood-but-the-censors-didn’t-approve-it-so-here’s-some-hastily-rewritten-shit-about-the-moon-landing-or-whatever’ internal senses are keener than others.” –2+2=7

“I’ve never really thought about vampires wearing glasses before, but something about it seems off. Like does he also have an inhaler?” –Violet

“Watch out, Mary! Cathy, Santa Royale’s up and coming, youthful, no nonsense, straight talking yenta is coming after you. Dispensing advice and eating salads, she cares for the mental well being and lower GI of the next generation!” –Baja Gaijin

“Or maybe he fell out of love with you because the ‘Lettuce go out to eat’ joke isn’t as funny as you think.” –made of wince

“I get that the new Gil Thorp writer has been asked to ‘sex up’ the comic a bit, but did we really need to see Gil grinning at a giant butt plug?” –Schroduck

“Dude in a Lowes (or maybe Ace Hardware?) vest selling Home Depot store-brand tools at what looks like an abandoned cell phone store? That tracks.” –Old School Allie Cat

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: faithful reader Paul sent me some scans of an old Blondie comic book — did you know there used to be Blondie comics books? did you know there were a series of 28 Blondie motion pictures? — that answered one of my long-standing questions: why is Elmo hanging out with Dagwoold all the time?

There you have it: Elmo is hanging around with Dagwood all the time because his own father is in jail (Elmo put him there).

With that out of the way, here’s your comment … of the week!

“Robert John Burck, the Times Square Naked Cowboy, was truly the best of us. It only makes sense that he would be one of the last freedom fighters left to face the end of all things. RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT, SWEET PRINCE!” –Dunkelcopter

And your very funny runners up!

“Does Crankshaft take off his hat when he’s making out? Because we are all going down this path now so I can’t be blamed for making it worse.” –Vulcan with a Mullet

“Is he using a sword? To carve this turkey? In the middle of the night? Color me very confused. I guess the writer just couldn’t imagine anything a medieval serf husband might be doing in the way of ‘household chores.’” –Suzanne M Stephenson

“Do drive-ins still exist? If they do, do people take their kids to them, to see movies old enough that they can be played as a double feature because they predate 3 hour run times? If they do, no wonder those kids are upset, they wouldn’t be able to see anything from the back seat. Don’t cry, kids! All of these actors are long dead now so even if you could see you’d be bored!” –Truckosaurus

“I understand they’re doing a Flintstones shtick but they should be in a Neolithic round house and dead. They’re too old to still be alive. Hi and Lois should be dead.” –Professor Well Actually

“Marvin’s dad’s coworker is clearly Superman, and he’s fishing for excuses to gush about how great Earth’s yellow sun is.” –Rex_Thrillho, on Twitter

“I know that it’s just to make less work for the colorist, but seeing Gil and the presenter in red while the rest of the scene is in grey just makes me think of Schindler’s List, while makes me a bit nervous about this story.” –pugfuggly

“I kinda feel bad for Marvin’s writer who has spent so much time trying to come up with new ways to make jokes about human excrement that he’s forgotten how real adult people initiate conversations.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I wouldn’t stand so close to insects with a taste for decrepit flesh, Lillian and Ed.” –nescio

“Relax, Hi. It’s obvious that Foofram is adding up the cumulative efforts of all the losers at the meeting. Now because of that gaffe, you’ll have to sit through another hour of him trying to explain it all using conic sections.” –Hibbleton

“God, the fresh baby brain earnestness on Hi’s face. ‘But sir! 100% is by definition the most you can give!’ Later he’s gonna loosen his tie, collapse on the couch as Lois rubs his shoulders, and whisper, ‘Idioms! They never covered that in the project management webinars.’” –Dan

“Now we see the true scope of Crankshaft’s plans. All those years of being a curmudgeon, all those exploded grills and wrecked mailboxes, all the malapropisms and misanthropy have led him to this victorious summit, where he feeds the ground-up remains of his victims to flies — in public — and no one will bat an eye. That’s just Crankshaft, they think, the town’s biggest asshole, little realizing that before them is Ohio’s greatest monster.” –Voshkod

“Between the watery platitudes and the ever-so- subtle roaming hands, Jared is in his Zone.” –MKay

“I think this is the first time I’ve rooted for a couple to get back together in Mary Worth but if there’s anyone who deserves to have Wilbur as a father-in-law it’s Jared.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Hey! I’m asking you to take me home and show me your etchings, goddammit! Just how senile are you, anyway?” –cheech wizard

“In the first panel, the doctor is horrified at the thought that he’s listening for a skeleton’s heartbeat. In the second panel, he’s horrified that he hears one.” –Peanut Gallery

“Gray jacket. Black pants. And brown shoes. Yeah, maybe someone should pay more attention to his wardrobe. You’re wearing brown shoes. Brown. Stop the insanity. Stop getting dressed in the dark. By the way, it’s hammer time.” –made of wince

“You know how your small-minded people got all paranoid that my people would use our immense power in an evil scheme to take over your world? Well, funny thing about that…” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“We’re burying the lede here, people. Chip just said that Beetle Bailey plays the tuba. That’s NBI — New Beetle Information!” –Joe Blevins

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!