“Billy doesn’t seem to me like the kind of kid who’d have an expensive, lab-quality microscope, but if he got one, he’s definitely the kind of kid who’d leave it on the floor.” –Steph

“This one got a real smile out of me. Not because of the ‘joke,’ but because I enjoy seeing Hi and Lois being shitty to their dumb kids. Look at those little jerkwads all sad and stuff. This is the true meaning of Halloween!” –pugfuggly

“Wait, can the Daddy Daze Mommy ‘hear’ the ‘real’ meaning of Angus’s ‘ba ba ba’s too? Either he’s actually communicating with them or their shared insanity makes their breakup either that much more inexplicable, or that much more inevitable.” –Morgan Wick

“I’d say hitting on your waitress is inappropriate, but maybe it’s ironic flirting to go with her kitschy, ironic beehive hairdo? Is that what the kids are into these days?” –made of wince

“There’s still hope for a twist ending, as that entire spur of rock breaks off.” –Ken

“Now let’s talk about the murder of Kathy Kangaroo and Slick Smitty wearing her skin.” –Liam

“Dying to find out if the robot dog is looking at, like, a midwestern mayonnaise and potato chip salad and affectionately chuckling, ‘Well ain’t that America folks?’ or if his character is being forcibly hauled away from a government building and angrily shouting, ‘OH I’M SORRY IS THIS NOT AMERICA’ at the security guards.” –Dan

“Maybe Slick Smitty was a furry in the Before Times, and his shit-eating grin is because all those who made fun of him for wanting to live in an animal world are now dead.” –Philip

“Just look at Summer vigorously taking notes. ‘Pulitzer, here I come!’” –Lord Flatulance

“Sorry, I phrased that incorrectly. What I meant to say is, ‘Standing on cliff edges? No way I’m done with that!’ Check this out, I’m gonna pee over the edge and make my own waterfa– Oops! Uff!” –jroggs

“Montoni’s pizza is made with love and our secret special ingredient (the secret ingredient is amniotic fluid).” –Schroduck

“‘You’re weird but I’m disgusting.’ That showed her. Possibly.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

“‘Compulsive’ implies a lack of free will in the matter and thus a lack of personal responsibility. Blondie chose the life of uncovering secrets and spreading shame and revels in it!” –Ettorre

“Under the old writer, Gil and Mimi spent their ‘alone time’ drinking an endless wash of fresh lemonade. Perhaps it was the abundance of vitamin C that made for such a happy home.” –Ukulele Ike

“Yes, Dennis. It’s those accursed longshoremen in Los Angeles lollygaging while your precious cookies grow stale in maritime shipping containers.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Uncle Cosmo is even more disappointed. He was counting on this flick to get him out of having ‘the talk’ with Skyler.” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m like a Forever Stamp. Dead man on one side, sticky on the other!” –Voshkod

“Never let it be said that the Perfesser is not taking care of his nephew. Here, he’s teaching him the key adult skill of how to slump in an armchair and stare, glassy-eyed, at anything that’s on TV.” –Lawyerbob

“Tomorrow at the diner, Lou says to Dagwood: ‘So. Yesterday was National Food Day. We had a big special menu and everything.’ Awkward pause. ‘Didn’t see you around.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Dustin spends 365 days a year shitting on Millennials, but Mary Worth just a had to spend one day for the excellent burn ‘killed by a selfie.’ Bow to the master!” –@Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“For the past 20 years, airline pilots have been America’s heroes, to be respected and not mocked. Now Dustin’s dad is breaking that taboo. Now, I don’t support attacking anyone over a joke, but if one last surge of patriotism got Dustin’s dad beaten up by the passengers or arrested by the air marshal… well, I’d turn a blind eye.” –Schroduck

“The only thing I want now from Mary Worth is for each of the characters to fall into their own unique body of water to their apparent demise, only to wind up at a Club Med. Dr. Jeff into the cove near the Bum Boat, Dawn into the Great Salt Lake, Toby into a bottle of Dasani … I want the lot.” –Vice President John Adams

“A father seeing the image of his adorable infant daughter on a mug and asking, ‘What’s that?’ with a look of total deflation is a real showcase of how postpartum stress doesn’t discriminate. Try and find joy in these moments, Hi. After all, she won’t be a baby forever! What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry, carry on.” –Irrischana

“The boss really stumped me today. He looked over my completely inappropriate display of food and told me, with contempt dripping in his voice, that he only kept me on the job out of pity. That he knew he should fire me, but something held him back. A inner demon he fought with every day, a spark of kindness that he knew he needed to tamp out before I destroyed the company. He reminded me that I was always there on sufferance, and that some day he’d finally be ruthless enough to fire me, to blackball me from the industry, to end my laziness and stupid costumes and misuse of IT resources. He said his only joy was telling me of the Damoclean sword that dangled above my head at all times. Then the old bastard took the drumsticks from my turkey and walked off. I just don’t get it.” –Voshkod

“It takes a special kind of cultural myopia to watch an adaptation of a Pulitzer-winning drama about how racism and toxic masculinity inhibit the pursuit of the American Dream and think ‘I wanna drive the garbage truck!’” –TheDiva

“Summer’s book will presumably be a damning exposé on the corrupt, decaying nature of Westview aimed at destroying small-town nostalgia. It will contain numerous passages about the town’s rampant mental health issues and out of control cancer rates borne out of incompetent city planning. ‘The lead poisoning has rendered many of the townsfolk so delusional that they can no longer respond to anything without making a heavy-lidded smirk.’” –ectojazzmage

“Normally on a call-in format you’d have a producer who would be able to screen out the most inane calls, so you get an idea of how popular this show is. I can only imagine that after this call was ended they went to fifteen minutes of dead air, broken occasionally by the sound of Dustin’s mom taking sips of coffee.” –pugfuggly

“Buck once had a damn nail through his head, but a tall loud man is too weird for him to deal with. Sad, really.” –made of wince

“I really hope that guy eats Buck.” –Mike Ricotta, on Facebook

“Before I read the caption, I thought she was about to give birth. I know she doesn’t look pregnant, but kangaroo embryos are, like, the size of a worm.” –Pozzo

“[I emerge from bushes] ‘USE YOUR OTHER HAND ZAK!!’ [I disappear back into the bushes]” –Kevin On Earth

“The bad news is that Iris can’t rescue her imperiled boyfriend. The good news is the rockface Zak is clinging to seems to be rolling over seeing as the rock has already tilted 30 degrees in his favor. So in a few seconds Iris won’t have to do anything at all to help him, though by the time Zak is safe she will have her own problems.” –jroggs

“This derisive attitude toward recreational marijuana seems pretty rich coming from someone who’s been disregarding the office no smoking policy for at least thirty years.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Ah the annual Closing of Montoni’s. Everyone gather around the mammography unit and deck the halls with issues of ‘Mystery in Space!’ It’s time to get halfway through a carol before cutting it off with a heavy-lidded pun!” –Dan

“I overthink the economics of Funky Winkerbean but I’ve been to a lot of small towns and if that town can’t even support the local pizza joint anymore it’s time to move before Lord Humungous appears out of the desert and enslaves the residents.” –jerp+jump

“Looks like a treacherous hike for such an old lady as Iris. What if she slips and falls, becomes injured, and Zak has second thoughts about dating a frail old woman? What if he goes to Mary for advice on how he could possibly be involved with someone so limited? What if Mary convinces him that old people aren’t all weak and fragile by decisively beating him in a dramatic arm wrestling match, spread out over a week?” –Drew Funk

“Nice Cassandra Cat sketch, Mr. Kat. Was she working as a model or did you sketch her here in the studio? I’m asking because I want to know if she just picked your pocket or stole your entire safe full of forged cash. Hold on, I’ve got her on speed dial. Cass? It’s me again. Mm-hm. Koppy Kat’s studio. I just want your ali… yes? …..Max, there are no penguins in the Arctic, right?” –Blackdrazon

“‘Boxing Bucks‘ is a painting by a world-renowned nature artist in the same sense that nudists started calling themselves naturists.” –matt w

“My favorite part of today’s Crock is the first throwaway panel that implies Crock is taking the call inside the giant rock Crock.” –nescio

“The threat of divorce is a gun with a single bullet, but that isn’t stopping Abbey from pulling the trigger on that empty chamber just to enjoy the click.” –jroggs

“You know, you just know, that Leroy jumped into that pile of leaves out of pure, unbridled spite. Picture it: Leroy and Loretta are walking down the sidewalk, trading hateful barbs about the doughnuts they’re about to buy, when they spot a fresh pile of leaves. ‘Remember the fun of jumping into fresh piles of leaves? Were leaves invented yet when you were a kid?’ asks Leroy. Loretta rolls her eyes. ‘I refuse to believe you’ve ever had fun,’ she says. ‘Not when I’m talking with you,’ Leroy shoots back, then takes a grim-faced running start, jumps, and lands on what was apparently a thin veneer of leaves coating a pile of rakes, boulders, and possibly an IED.” –els

“Can’t wait for them to get trapped up a tree by a wolf, forcing Iris to reexamine her priorities when she witnesses Wilbur arrive to save them only to get savagely mauled.” –Will’s Nightmare, on Twitter

“On some level, I’m amazed they were able to follow one of the most patently overdone lines that probably exists in all fiction, ‘Are you okay, honey?’, with what’s surely a line that no one in the history of language has ever said before: ‘Where you go, I go, Zak dear.’” –Amelie Wikström

“The fact that the devil mentions how many times Grimm bit the saleslady means that in each occasion Grimm had the choice not to, meaning that he had free will and salvation depends on deeds, not faith alone and predestination. Once comic strips displayed Irish and Italian caricatures, but these days they are imbued with Popery! Is this still America?!” –Ettorre

“Look at the faces on these homeowners. You think they wanted to host a 5-person formal dinner party? Where one of the guests is a rude, rambunctious child? They’ve been dreading this thing all day, and to know that dorky ol’ Henry Mitchell doesn’t want to be there either is the ultimate slap in the face.” –Carsick Yankee

“The joke is lost on me because I can’t get past Dennis’s jacket and tie, clearly from the ‘Li’l Rodney Dangerfield’ collection.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Oh, man, this is exactly what I wanted from this Funky storyline: a reworking of It’s A Wonderful Life with Crankshaft as a guardian angel who actually recommends suicide. ‘And obviously I was right. I mean, look at me now. Don’t make the same mistake I did.’” –Applemask

“I found my way to go on by becoming a bus driver. Diesel fumes take longer, but it’s way less painful, and if you ever change your mind and decide to go the short way, you can take a bunch of kids with you!” –pastordan

“A ‘shake and bake’ joke directed at a goose, or any domesticated fowl for that matter, seems like the kind of discriminatory behavior that could get a funeral parlor’s license pulled. No wonder Ms. Goose looks so shocked and offended.” –Where’s Rocky?

“That’s my husband in there. I decide what I can do about it. Now put on these scrubs and get in there! ‘But … but…’ ‘No buts! Move it.’” –Hibbleton

“This plot is pretty much being telegraphed. And since it’s Mary Worth, I mean that literally as the most modern means of communication available.” –Kevin On Earth

“I like this new trend where Gil talks strictly in silly cliches. Tune in tomorrow when he’ll teach a french class using only the phrases ‘Sacré Bleu!,’ ‘That’s the ticket!’, and ‘Do NOT go in there!’” –pugfuggly

“Full offense to Mister Thorp here, but if MY boss randomly walked up to me, asked if I would fill in for somebody out sick while I was already busy, then automatically assumed I’m saying yes before I can even get a word in edgewise, I’d be calling the union. Do incompetent coaches have unions?” –ectojazzmage