“There’s something perversely impressive about the lengths that Marvin goes to in contriving setups for its scatological punchlines. An inquisitive reader might be tempted to question why the titular brat has been placed in time-out in his family’s backyard, of all places, but that would be missing the point. It’s like porn, but for poop jokes.” –Urlance Woolsbane

“I like the idea that between strips Slylock is constantly going before the police budget committee to fund another piece if machinery to keep up with Count Weirdly. ‘No, see it can’t just be a regular open-cockpit jet, we have to customize it to look like me! I don’t have the entire estimate yet but why don’t we just tack on another 500 thousand and call it a day, okay?’” –pugfuggly

“News that Prohibition ended has finally reached Hootin’ Holler, and Snuffy’s repurposed his moonshine distillery to produce green bio-fuels.” –Schroduck

“Dawn realizes that if she can keep Jared on the phone long enough, the approaching California wildfire will envelop his apartment. ‘Tell me,’ she says soothingly, ‘about Star Wars episodes one to three.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Maybe my knowledge of online auction platforms is lacking, but it doesn’t seem like a task that requires active supervision. My guess is that Mindy has discovered the digital age equivalent of going out for cigarettes and never coming back.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Thank you for creepily emerging from the shadows just when I was at my most emotionally frail state.” –Cass

“I mean, I like bronze. I sometimes spend time sitting down and thinking about how well made bronze can be more molecularly stable than pure gold. And what it means that while it may outlast stars and galaxies and fucking proton decay, bronze is made up by people rather than the naturally occurring, pure elemental gold. The point here is that Jared’s mere existence is an insult to bronze.” —
Amelie Wikström

“I wonder if The Big Chill is playing at the movie theater that specifically caters to us.” –taig

“Holly talks a good game of needless despair, but her words lack the weight of confident action behind them. Meanwhile, Funky has already quietly unbuckled his safety belt and is patiently waiting for a tractor-trailer in the oncoming lane.” –jroggs

“So I’m thinking of getting a smaller mattress, maybe even a twin.” –made of wince

“Shoe and Mary Worth collectively agreed on the exact lighting choice to communicate ‘no sex tonight.’ And you know what, not a bad job.” –Dan

“For hurting the feelings of Saintly Jared, Dawn will be punished by having to spend time with Saintly Jared.” –Ettorre

“Maybe they want to die in a fire, Crankshaft, ever thought of that? Maybe living in your proximity is the inferior option, have you ever considered that possibility?” –Applemask

“Meanwhile, Jeffy’s holding that pennant and thinks the Mets are a country.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Dad, I had a terrible nightmare! I turned into you and I woke up screaming!’ ‘I also dream about turning into me and wake up screaming. But there’s no real escape from the nightmare for me!”” –Ettorre

“For a brief, shimmering moment, as she contemplated the monastic tonsure, Dawn had hope that life was more than just brutal, that it had purpose and meaning and direction. All too quickly, though, her subconscious reminded her of the curse of the Westons: to wander the earth as giant bald babies, screaming Godzilla-like in the loveless night. In the morning, she arose and purchased the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Negging. She had her fate, and she embraced it.” –pastordan

“Come down to Gooney Gas for the freshest gas made from gooney birds. Our gooney gathers travel to exotic locations around the world — from French Polynesia to French Frigate Shoals! — and select only the finest, plumpist gooneys to be rendered into gasoline through our patented (pending) process of extreme heat and pressure! Then we crack the gooney juice into various hydrocarbons, from tar (buy it at Gooney Paving!), natural gas (on sale at Gaseous Gooneys), ethylene (Gooney Chemicals, LLC), and, of course, good old fashioned gasoline! Put a Gooney in your tank and your car will soar!” –Voshkod

“Dagwood is simply stabbing the nozzle straight into the side and filling up the trunk with gasoline.” –Professor Well Actually

“‘We’ve not checked in with the Harwoods, Senior and Junior, in a while.’ Well, whose fault is that, Narration Box? There is no ‘we’. Leave me out of this.” –made of wince

“Glad to see you, Dawn! Now I have an excuse to drink a Gin Fizz at 8am.” –Hibbleton

“We’ve seen Wilbur do so many insane, awful things, but what’s the worst thing we’ve seen Dawn do? Not in the same league. Also she’s attractive, I think (?) and although in all these years I’ve never seen her exhibit a personality per se, I’d argue that no personality is infinitely preferable to a Wilburesque personality.” –Violet

“[Clearing throat, hastily shoving notes on Toby’s current crisis under the muffin plate] Yes I knew this was happening but felt it wasn’t yet time to say anything.” –Dan

“[10 minutes after Harwood Jr leaves] Well, my shoes are tied up nice and good. Now how do I make dinner?… FUCK” –pugfuggly

“There is a fascinating documentary on YouTube called ‘How this font became the face of Chinese food in America’ about the typography of Chinese restaurants through the years that’s just under 20 minutes long that seems like it goes by faster than spending 5 seconds reading a decades old Family Circus. The only advantages to the comic are Billy angrily pointing an accusatory finger because he’s not gonna have a sweet and sour nothing, damn it, a gormless Jeffy waving the pendant he will lose before the day is done, and Papa Keene reading the menu to make sure it’s as inauthentic as possible.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“See I’m just staring at the row of flags trying to figure out the geopolitical implications of the Family Circus universe — for example, is that both an independent England and a United Kingdom? Or maybe Italian unification didn’t happen and that’s Genoa?”” –nicole 2: the squeakquel, on Twitter

“Thel’s heavy-lidded, self-medicated look of appraisal at her husband and children is chilling. ‘It’s not like I thought I was marrying a genius or anything,’ she muses idly. ‘But this … this is wrong, isn’t it? This is very, very wrong. I’m … I’m trapped, aren’t I? Is there anywhere around here a woman can get a drink at 8:45 in the morning?’” –Doctor Moreau

“Keep a video record of my dying wife, so when her infant daughter grows up she’ll know how her mom looked, moved, spoke? Get the fuck out of here, that’s ridiculous. Why would I want to do that? oh, wait … did you say Hari Seldon?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Presumably the ‘Frozen Dante’ stand in the background symbolizes that Crankshaft is destined for the Ninth Circle of Hell (the frozen lake Cocytus). He’ll probably run into famous inmate Judas Iscariot and make an awful pun on his name.” –Peanut Gallery

“It’s good to know that this guy specifically chose a chunky, heavy gold wedding ring. He’s so married he wants his ring to be visible from space. You got the Great Wall and you got this. You won’t see him putting out for an appletini, baby.” –made of wince

“Dad, those are just the things people said to your face. Believe me, you’ve been called much worse.” –Merry Mirth

“Hi, Plato! Killer was just giving me a, uh … document HOW WAS YOUR DATE?” –Davey Compson

“I love how Dagwood doesn’t even look sweaty in panel 2. ‘Yes, it is hot enough for me. A nice comfortable 70°F, perfect for wandering around the office in a three piece suit!’” –Schroduck

“Distressing implications in today’s Blondie. After, what, 80+ years (?) of consuming suspicious foods and millions of Scoville units, Dagwood’s taste buds have all but shriveled away. He eats the way he does in a futile attempt to be able to taste something, anything, like he used to. Nuclear chili, at the very least, makes him feel something.” –Austria

“What is this? Local Gossip Radio, hosted by the Beards of Evil?” –Anonymous

“Maybe, if I were a better person, I could be cuddling up with … Jared?! Wait, no, that can’t be right.” –Joe Blevins

“Yeah, I didn’t even tell him to look after the house, I just left a case of beer in the fridge knowing that he would sniff it out like a campground raccoon and nest there. He should protect his territory from burglars for the next week before moving on.” –pugfuggly

“I appreciate the sequence of today’s strips. We start off our journey with Dawn agonizing that she’ll never find ‘lasting happiness’, with the other two questioning if there really is such a thing. Who’s to say that she and Jared wouldn’t have ended up like the Lockhorns, forever entwined in a bitter battle neither can bring themselves to walk away from, where one day the city comes to seize their home for unpaid taxes only to find their mummified husks where one has their hands around the other’s neck. Or they couldn’t become Hi and Lois, outwardly happy but consigned to the humdrum life of the suburbs where the only thrills are enabling your neighbor’s alcoholism and finding ways to escape from your troubled children. There are worse fates than becoming your father, so shave your head and get started on a life of single self-centered schlubbiness before your life gets so miserable that you start taunting your hated spouse while he has a wrench in his hand.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘I’m in MENSA, my mind is quick’ is a top-tier round-headed antagonist volley. New writer starting extremely strong. Debate him, Gil Thorp!” –Dan

“Lois, Trixie, Hi, and Ditto are happily looking at the ocean. Dot and Chip are happily looking at the logo for ‘Stadia Penises.’” –matt w

“I need to get Gil’s side of the story first! [calls Gil] Gil? This is Marty Moon. I had a source on my show today that alleges that we are buddies. Do you have any comment on these allegations?” –Drew Funk

“I can just hear a pitch for this week’s installments of Marvin. ‘Think of Pickles. Now ask yourself: what if it were bad?’” –Acilius

“Well, on the plus side, the enemy is mixing forward attack elements (armor), infantry support weapons (mortars), and long-range fire support (artillery) on the same hill. They’re as incompetent as the soldiers from Camp Swampy! How much consolation that is to the thin pink mist that was Beetle’s squad is left to the reader.” –Voshkod

“Earlier, the supply officer had weighed the cost of army issue binoculars against the lives of the average Camp Swampy soldier. ‘Sorry, we’re all out. Try squinting really hard.’” –Hibbleton