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I returned from my absence this week to once again judge the living and the dead, the funny and the not-funny, and I decree the following to be this week’s top comment:

“Actually, Daddy Keane isn’t listening to a word coming out of Jeffy’s lemon-headed-mouth. He’s completely blown away by this retconned edition of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. ‘What the … No Tudor house in forest? A grass hut next to some palm trees? What the HELL man’” –Carsick Yankee

These runners up are also amusing in my sight:

“Don’t bug me about making plans — I’ve been spending all my time learning to smoke through a mask.” –Pozzo

“It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; ’tis not to me she speaks. [Editor: Too high-falutin, William. Please re-work.] Can’t believe she broke up with me because I don’t get along with her stupid cat. It’s not my fault she has a crazy furball as a pet.” –I Used To Post At Comics Curmudgeon, And Now I Still Do

“For a supposed badass, Dennis is sure into some lame shit. ‘Wanna watch two old guys play chess?’ ‘Do I!’ [cloud of dust as he takes off]” –Joe Blevins

“Straight-up mocking Mr. Wilson’s early-onset dementia is easily the most menacing thing Dennis has ever done. Meanwhile, straight-up reminding DtM’s core readership of their own inevitable mental decline isn’t even the worst thing the strip has done this week.” –Doctor Moreau

“‘What friends?’ I said, hoping against hope that I put enough acid into the words to hide the pain. What friends indeed? Victims, co-workers, nemesii, but friends? What friends? A tear rolled down my cheek into a mask already soaked. That’s why I wear black. To hide the tears. To hide the pain.” –Voshkod

“I look forward to some great banter between these two, along the lines of ‘Ha ha, usually the only magazines I deal with are the ones that I empty into fleeing suspects!’” –pugfuggly

“‘You’re 10 seconds late, Kianna!’ ‘Sorry, coach! I had to say hi back to someone I was unfortunately within earshot of!’ ‘You had to? I’ve had enough of your politeness. You’re off the team.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Look, if I were reading a copy of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears that was the same length as Little Women I might drop the voices halfway through, too. I get it, Jeffy: you pick the longest book imaginable in order to stave off bedtime a little longer. We all did it. But you can’t ask for Jim Dale-quality narration AND the longest fairy tale in existence. Pick one. For your father’s sanity. Look at his eyes, Jeffy. LOOK AT HIS EYES.” –els

“Did kids used to brag about their parents, or did they used to say ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ in an admission of the shockingly low threshold of willingness to resort to violence to address personal and social problems?” –Francisco Arrowroot

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— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey everybody! I’m off on a little vacation for the next week and change, but have no fear: your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to keep you up to date on Wilbur’s latest cat piss follies and tuck you in at night. See ya after Labor Day, but until then, here is your comment of the week, which will remain at the top of the leaderboard until I return because Uncle Lumpy is too kind to play favorites!

“I love the naivete of ‘I didn’t know that they even made shirts with that word on them.’ Michelle, t-shirt technology has progressed to the point where any word can be emblazoned on a shirt and therefore broadcast to the world. Isn’t that remarkable? What times we live in, huh?” –Joe Blevins

And your hilarious runners up!

“Art houses. Ha. This baby is going straight to video. Literal video. It’s going to VHS tape. Beta, too. Not DVD, not Netflix, just tape. Dust off your VCR, if you even still have one. Be kind and rewind, suckers.” –made of wince

“‘Not to be a buzzkill or anything’ is such a bizarre phrase to read in Funky Winkerbean. It goes against the whole spirit of the enterprise. It would be like a Lockhorns panel where someone says, ‘I love you so much.’” –Vice President John Adams

“Based on Michelle’s reactions — and given that this is Rex Morgan we’re talking about — I’d guess that the ‘legal?’ cousin is putting a flyer in someone’s ‘USPS’-approved mailbox. The second cousin is wearing a T-shirt printed with ‘portzebie.’ The last cousin, of course, is a member of A Flock of Seagulls.” –Bill’s Tummy Brain

“The key to getting Greg, a character wholly defined by disdain for social media and hip hop, to accept social media and hip hop, is one panel of flattery. Tell him he’s handsome, he will betray literally everything he’s ever believed in for two panels of fleeting joy before the self-deprecating hatred of his own appearance kicks back in. Friggin’ bleak, Curtis.” –Dan

“It’s funny because usually ‘leave the past in the past’ refers to trauma, not friendships. Of course this is the Rexverse, where all emotions are just one same annoyance.” –pugfuggly

“The writers of Rex Morgan, M.D., are trying their hardest to make us like Buck. But I’m not sure ‘At least he is not as much of a loser as Jordan’ is the right route.” –Ettorre

“I see the editor/owner’s point. Heather would probably expect to be paid, whereas someone who’s already put in two years in the newsroom has been disabused of that notion.” –But What Do I Know?

“Well, you can have this floor lamp, since we obviously have no place to plug it in.” –Pozzo

“I like Libby. She says what we’re all thinking.” –Truckosaurus

“I don’t know what’s more implausible. That someone covering high school athletics for a local newspaper is an institution, much less an institution in 2021, or that you can achieve institution status while being perhaps, on the outside, 30 year old. I mean look at that chin, you could bounce quarters off that thing.” –Jerp+Jump

“Telling Les that you can’t imagine what he’s thinking right now: classic masochistic move.” –Weaselboy

“Wilbur’s just mad because he already peed on that spot to mark it as his favorite. He has to meet Libby’s challenge for dominance head on, but frankly I don’t think he has the will or the intelligence to win this.” –Evelyn Waughluigi, on Twitter

“Remarkable restraint by the writers of a comic about an elderly woman to hold out 83 years before doing a story involving cat urine.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“It’s hard to get attention on the internet these days, but I think ‘Man’s mouth literally catches fire’ would go viral without needing a clickbait title.” –Schroduck

“The view of Dagwood eating chili in the video is the same as when the lunch counter appears as a location in other strips, which brings up a disturbing question: is Blondie found-footage?” –Blaueziege

“Okay, sure, Diet Smith could rule time and space like a tyrannical god and this could be Dick’s — indeed, humanity’s — only chance to stop him. On the other hand, maybe there’s someone with a weak chin and a weaker handshake committing a minor felony somewhere else! To the Dickmobile!” –jroggs

“How appropriate that Les and his latest victim are discussing cancer in Stage Five, a stage of cancer so virulent that it’s not even recognized by science. Stage Five, when all is cancer, when you are cancer, I am cancer, the world is cancer, the Moon is in Cancer.” –Voshkod

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!