“Don’t worry folks, this extremely tedious series of strips where Harry smugly inventories his experience as high school band leader to confirm that it has prepared him to lead a church choir is going somewhere. Eventually one of the indistinguishable old ladies will mention an aspect of choir that Harry will have to admit he had no experience with, at which point he will be paraded up a hill and sacrificed to the Wicker Man.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“For years, pediatricians have strongly recommended against pillows in the crib, for risk of SIDS. But we all know what ‘crud’ is synonymous with. Marvin shit the bed so violently that the artist had no choice but to draw a life-threatening cushion to block the carnage from view.” –Carsick Yankee

“Hey, did you know that despite the powerful enzymes in their stomachs, birds of prey still have problems digesting bits of bone and hair, which they vomit up in little hardened pellets. Anyhow, just a random bird fact to enjoy while you read today’s comic.” –pugfuggly

“Boy, it didn’t take long for this situation to go from ‘WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!’ to ‘WE NEED TO STAND AROUND AND TALK ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE, AS SLOWLY AND VAGUELY AS POSSIBLE!’” –Joe Blevins

“I realize getting punched out and left unconscious is not fun. I still think, however, that Sam’s eyebrows should get a short break. Couldn’t his forehead relax just enough to let the brows become a little less frowny?” –Poteet

“June busily ties an ear onto her head.” –Ukulele Ike

“If there is any comfort to be had from Crankshaft, it’s that Ed receives as little pleasure from his half-hearted wordplay as he gives.” –TheDiva

“[RING RING] ‘Oh no … not now … not today!’ ‘Ugh … hello, this is Drew Cory.’ ‘Drew! Your house is falling over! You need to get out of there right now!’ ‘But it’s supposed to be my day oooooooff!’” –jroggs

Buck’s go-to emotion is ‘wary of something slightly up and to his left.’” –Dan

“Try your best to not imagine what pops up in Harry Dinkle’s thought balloon when someone calls him ‘asshole’ (which I assume happens pretty regularly). Have a nice day!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Two things I know about New York is that rats are horrible, and cars don’t slow down for pedestrians. That evil rodent is using the old lady as a shield! Next he’ll turnstile-jump in the subway, eat a pizza slice in the dumpster of the very worst Original Ray’s, and give the new movie version of West Side Story a bad review in Newsday.” –BigTed

“He’s a righteous rat who loves his city but isn’t afraid to break the rules — in this case the square cube law.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Hi is shocked at the capitalist overlord’s casual oppression of the proletariat. ‘Why may not the working class go pantsless?’ he reflected; ‘Are we ever shackled to suffer the indignities of unthinking bourgeois preconceptions?’ It was at the very next coffee break that he and his comrades began to whisper of beginning the great struggle — the People’s struggle — to assert Man’s undeniable right to go pantsless now … and forever…” –odinthor

“Say what you will about Leroy and Loretta’s marriage, but Loretta isn’t going to let her husband be jeered and ridiculed by everyone at his office. Jeering and ridiculing Leroy is HER job, and she’ll be damned if she lets anyone else horn in on her turf.” –Mr. A

“I noticed a flesh-coloured area in the window. That’s not a simple ‘shine.’ That’s the reflection of the arm of a 50ft angry Ashlee coming to tear the hospital apart with her bare hands, grab Drew, then climb a skyscraper while swatting at helicopters.” –The Rambling Otter

“This plugger seems to be jiggling both the toilet handle and his genitals simultaneously. And both for the same reason: to avoid having to pay money to a professional.” –Joe Blevins

“Even by Family Circus standards, ‘I love my dead grandpa‘ is a punchline so weak you could use it in homeopathy.” –Schroduck

“There aren’t enough comments about the totally awkward position Granddad’s ghost has taken up in the background of the last panel. And it is bugging the heck out of me! He is leaning back against the wall, but while his form is in contact with the wall it is not disturbing the curtain. And why would a ghost need to lean on anything? You’re non-corporeal, you can just float. Do ghosts get tired enough that they occasionally need to lean on things? How’m I suppose to suspend my disbelief when it gets challenged so?” –The Mighty Captain E

“The problem with Family Circus is that just the first two panels would have made an incredibly funny comic. Know when to stop adding, Jeff!” –Dan

“Forget about Kitty Cop, let’s hear the ‘fascinating’ story of how Buck’s job works because this oh-so ‘interesting’ character must included at all times, even when he’s not physically present!” –2+2=7

“I understand that Dustin is merely closing the car door, but I prefer to see it as him affectionately patting the car. ‘Who doesn’t treat me like shit? Yeah, you don’t. You can’t hate me, you can’t hate anything. Don’t ever leave me.’” –The Rambling Otter

“I really try for a Wes Anderson vibe in here, and of course I demand they not give me those cowardly thorn-free roses. They’d kick me out of the coven. What would Joy Division think? What you should be asking why Rockabilly Womp Rat wants to frame me.” –jerp jump

“The elderly bystander, played by veteran character actor Tom Skerritt, appears to be a Doordash cyclist. If so, this probably doesn’t crack the top 5 weirdest things he’s seen on the job.” –Navigator

“Gertie has the terrified eyes and frozen smile of someone who realizes they’re going to subject her to the whole story.” –A. Mulyak

“Oh, it’s okay to look at Michelle and Jordan now, because they no longer need their privacy? I don’t agree. Michelle is certainly not fully dressed, and Jordan just shouldn’t be seen in those indecent sweatpants. Wait, a tucked-in tee-shirt, with sweatpants? Yeah, I’m telling you, I really, really didn’t need to see this.” –made of wince

“The People’s Clinic, Santa Royale’s only true Marxist-Leninist medical center, no matter what those revisitionsts at the Royalian Democratic Clinic tell you!” –pugfuggly

“Don’t give up on your dreams, they have teenagers in Africa too!” –BananaSam

“Not a word about Blondie’s fading eyesight? She’s doing a large print 3×3 sudoko.” –Hibbleton

“Dithers has found a form of ‘negging’ that is more disgusting than the sexual one.” –Ettorre

“Mary gave me enough of her delicious turkey stew for days! Every day for most of last week, in fact. She just wouldn’t stop. Every day I said I’d had enough, but she just kept bringing the stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came by right now, just to give me more. She’s not well, son. So, how many bowls do you want? Three, maybe?” –made of wince

“The look on Margaret’s mother’s face says ‘A bunch of young children have shown up to use my new, deep pool. Time to make myself scarce!’” –nescio

“If Loretta really is pretending to be much younger than she is, I have to admire her commitment to the concept. That mini-dress looks drafty, and also as if sitting would be a challenge.” –Poteet

“Man, this is one manly house: the exterior is brick, the inside walls are steel and counters are brass. No soft surfaces here! Just testosterone and loneliness.” –pugfuggly

“There is absolutely no way that’s the real Dr. Drew. Don’t ask me how I know and if you tell anyone I said so, I’ll deny it, but he’s put together all wrong. That is, at best, a wax replica that Dr. Jeff talks to so he’s not lonely (it spends the ‘work day’ shoved in a linen closet).” –Bunivasal

“I like how the outside lettering has DONUTS under HOLE FOODS to fool the authorities into not realizing what goes on within the establishment. Once inside, though, DONUTS (or, more accurately, STUNOD) has disappeared from the inside of the window. People like Funky, a stolid member of Asshole Anatomy, know what kind of food he’ll soon be munching on.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Good thing it’s AA or this kid would be even more confused to learn his surname.” –Truckosaurus

“I am thinking about all the grandmothers reading Mary Worth this morning nodding and saying to themselves, ‘Yes, hobbies are healthy. I wish my grandson would understand that.’ And then they go back to thinking about how they can get a microwave recessed directly into a wood-paneled wall like that nice Dr. Jeff.” –pastordan

“Who do you think’s been watching the house, pretending to be me? That’s right, Natalia Bordonova, a master of disguise with the SVR. And who do you think’s been pretending to be Sam Driver? Yep, you guessed, Ivan Dornovsky, Russian FSB, assigned to keep tabs on Bordonova as she kept tabs on you. Katherine Parker? Actually Yvonne de Gaulle, one of the best DGSE agents Paris can field. She was watching Dornovsky. Given that, it’s no surprise that MI-6 pulled Seamus St. John Smythe out of retirement to pretend to be Judge Parker, so he could keep an eye on de Gaulle. That led Mossad to put Sarah Mendelson into the role of Abbey Spencer, and that caused Iran to put Mohammed al-Midi from the IRGC into play as a Sophie (he’s really good). All to keep an eye on you. Yes, you’ve blown your cover as Randy Parker, or should I say Helmut von Schmidt of the German Bundesnachrichtendienst. And who am I? Some call me April, but really I’m Mae Kildare of the Irish Stiúrthóireacht na Faisnéise, and honestly I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be watching. Spying is hard, Randy. I mean Helmut.” –Voshkod

“I have a pretty decent following. Not sizable, you understand, but well-behaved.” –Joe Blevins

“Now this is the kind of nail-biting action we love in Dick Tracy. The sinister Ace of Spades is willing to offer a cancellation fee, but will the nefarious Abner Kadaver also be able to secure his per diem? Or will these two malevolent masterminds be forced to engage the diabolical services of [thundercrash] third-party arbitration to settle their disputes over fair compensation?” –jroggs

“For as large as an organization as The Apparatus presumably is, I appreciate that you can discuss the cancellation of a murder contract in person. I would have assumed that the call would just be routed through an automated customer service tree: ‘Cancellation… CANCELLATION!!!’ ‘Canceling your order for filling pick tracing.’ ‘REPRESENTATIVE!!!’” –Quiggle

“BROKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept UN festivities
WOKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept the Gregorian calendar” –Ettore, on Twitter

“It’s not as if those cheap shovels could make a dent in the hard, hard Hootin’ Holler soil anyway. If it were soft enough fer diggin’, it would be soft enough fer farmin’ and not starvin’.” –BigTed

“Judging by that woman’s lethargic approach to jumping rope, this gym seems perfectly suited to both the Lockhorns’ fitness level and the amount of effort they’re willing to expend.” –Doctor Moreau

“Judging by his monologue, this is the first AA meeting Funky’s attended since the pandemic started. I assume someone ‘forgot’ to send him the Zoom link when they moved the meetings online. I also assume that person is currently listening to Funky and thinking, ‘I made the right call.’” –Mr. A

“I’m confused by Zane. Is he too poor to get a haircut or did he spend all his money getting a designer haircut?” –N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods