“Pretty much anybody who actually read the Bible will tell you that Adam ate the forbidden fruit too with little convincing and thus has no place to be making passive aggressive cracks about Eve eating it, so I can only presume this midrash has made the decision to depict Adam as some kind of gaslighter. ‘What are you talking about? I don’t know what good and evil are. I didn’t eat the fruit. What? You sound crazy.'” –ectojazzmage

“‘The Futon in the Rec Room at Camp Swampy,’ one of the Mountain Goats’ saddest songs.” –Rex Thrillho, on Twitter

“‘Does the metric system like the number ten?’ is such a dumb question. It would be like ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ except maybe the Keane Kompound has been sedevacantist since Vatican II.” –Ettore Costa, on Bluesky

“Turns out our ‘fingers’ are covered with stiff, insensitive feathers that make braille all but impossible to read, rendering the format completely unworkable. We’re birds!” –pugfuggly

“Holy shit! His mother and father, his aunt and her boyfriend, and the dog are all Marvin’s ‘staff’?! Like, they’re in his employ, to fire at will, there only to help him accomplish … the delivery of a, we’ll call it, a joke? Is Tom Armstrong on Marvin’s staff? As a reader, am I?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Jenny? Good news, bad news time. Bad news: Marvin is tracking a mysterious purple mess through the house. Good news: we’re finally free of the Grimace.” –Blackdrazon

“Years later, a few days after Grandma Keane is laid to rest, Bil and Thel are cleaning out her house when Bil hears Thel screaming from the bedroom. There, huddled in the corner of the closet, sits the desiccated corpse of their missing son. They will finally have closure of sorts, but never any answers.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Purple. The traditional color of royalty. A chair, reserved for only one person, like a throne. Marvin, suspiciously close to Merovingian. I wasn’t expecting today to be the the day that Marvin declared its titular toddler to be Emperor of France and blood heir to Christ, but I can’t say I was surprised it happened.” –Voshkod

“Oh goody, it’s time for another one of my ‘what age is Marvin supposed to be, anyway?’ headaches. In today’s strip he is a) walking upright, b) speaking in clear, complete sentences, and c) taking the initiative to clean up a mess that he made. And yet, he is still not toilet trained. Maybe he’s like Peter Pan or the kid in The Tin Drum, caught in a state of permanently arrested development as an open rebellion against the social order, or maybe Big Plumbing.” –TheDiva

“As if manual labor and the pain of childbirth weren’t bad enough, now we gotta do math!?” –Hibbleton

“Theologians have argued for centuries about whether or not Adam had a belly button, but maybe they should have been arguing whether he had male-pattern baldness.” –Schroduck

“The characters in Marvin are so loathsome that I could easily imagine ‘Jeff and Pam dump demented Grandpa at an abandoned Sears with Marvin, who tries to form a feral bond with a half-melted mannequin’ as a 2024 story arc.” –Quiggle

“I’m intrigued that the ghost alien has tentacle eyes that have lashes and a flirtatious vibe in direct contrast to the bland face eyes. Wait, no, not ‘intrigued.’ What’s the word .. ah, yes: mortified.” –Vice President John Adams

“The mark of a good bartender is not only remembering people’s drink orders, but remembering whatever stupid pop culture references they toss out as well. Beth is a good bartender.” –Weaselboy

“I’d like to think that ‘Don’t get him wet’ is a well-understood unspoken rule about Gil. I certainly don’t want to hear anyone utter it again.” –nescio

“We all know that sand is coarse and rough and irritating and gets everywhere. What this strip presupposes is … maybe that’s sexy?” –Stop Motion Cyclops

“The lack of Euclidean geometry or even a track or any distinguishing features beyond a vast white plain that drivers could go any direction in made the R’lyeh 500 one of the more challenging NASCAR races.” –Old Man Shadow

“‘I think you need a pit stop’ is how Gertie’s husband begs her to take her meds. He knows full well how dangerous she can be when an unmedicated Gertie doesn’t fulfill her obsessive need for twisted metal and burning flesh. The authorities currently suspect the Spike Strip Bandit of causing eight fatalities, and he’s got the latest wanted poster to prove it.” –MasterMahan

“Oh, great, the punkinheads are playing in unfinished building sites! I guess parents really did allow ‘free-range kids’ back in the 1970s, or whenever this panel was originally published. (Hint: That house will sell for $15,000.)” –BigTed

“A superyacht? We see the true nature of the Charterstone world: Jeff is actually a billionaire who pays Mary to carry out mind games on the residents, who are all just playthings in the couple’s diabolical world. They deliberately engineered the death of Wilbur’s fish as a wager to see what it would take to break him.” –Tonio

“Here’s hoping Jeff bills Wilbur for fuel and crew overtime costs. Should run into several thousand dollars.” –SabeHombre

“Okay, like you say, that’s not Jeff’s boat, so there’s still a slim possibility that the fish funeral is an elaborate front, a conspiracy in which every character in Mary Worth agrees to get Wilbur down to the docks, clock him in the back of the head, and two days later he wakes up on the deck of a merchant vessel bound for another country. The captain throws him a mop, and that’s the last we ever see of Wilbur. When Dawn gets back, everyone simply agrees that she never had a father. ‘Oh!’ says Dawn, confused but agreeable.” –Dan

“I like imagining Ian looming over the much shorter Wilbur with a belly laugh, ‘Ho ho ho, a funeral for a goldfish, what wild they think of next?’ like the Jolly Puce Giant.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I’m glad that we have those throwaway panels, because with them we know the exact moment the edibles kicked in.” –pugfuggly

“I like how Saul brought his dog, just to taunt Wilbur that his pet is still alive. This is the kind of cruelty Wlbur so richly deserves.” –astroboy

“School cafeterias have got so dangerous that the kids aren’t even allowed to use knives any more. Sure, it’s hard to cut your fishsticks with your finger, but at least it stops vicious hair-tousling incidents like these from escalating.” –Schroduck

“It’s not real, General Halftrack thought to himself. Remember what your therapist said. Slow, deep breaths. It’s not real. You’re not seeing your soldiers as naked garbage, boiling in their own juices, smelling of decay … no! Keep it together, soldier. Breathe in. You’re not in the camp anymore. It’s not real!” –MasterMahan

“‘Keri Thorp — the catcher — has had a terrific season.’ Come on, everybody know that sports announcers set off appositive phrases with commas!” –Weaselboy

“How would his wife know? Is he wearing a wire?” –MKay

“Amazing that Snuffy Smith first touched the third rail of comics art, the high price of comic books ($6/issue?), before comics-obsessed standby Crankshaft aka Funky Winkerbean II. You go get ’em, semi-anonymous clip art legacy comic producer!” –Bad wolf

“Is there a petition I can sign in support of the colorists’ demand for a pay raise before they’ll resume coloring Dagwood’s chair and the TV table?” –Peanut Gallery

“Hooten’ Holler has a summer reading program? Somewhere there is a traveling librarian transporting books via pack mule with a lot of initiative, if somewhat unrealistic expectations.” –TheDiva

“If ‘Cherry Bimm’ is a punning reference to the late-19th century song ‘Ciribiribin,’ then Dick Tracy is having to go further afield for character names. I miss the days when they could just spell ‘Murder’ or ‘Short’ backwards and call it a day.” –Pozzo

“You’re a plugger if you wake up in pain most mornings because you’re too cheap to shell out for a thicker mattress.” –BigTed

“If you are a comics artist looking for ways to convey horniness using only facial expressions, I recommend every panel of today’s Dick Tracy.’ –lorne

“I’m joking, of course. Obviously our isolated Neo-Pagan compound didn’t impose pandemic restrictions. Now, which outsider do you want to lure in for this year’s wicker man?” –MasterMahan

“Sure, go ahead and talk in Latin or whatever the hell that is. As if your facial hair isn’t alienating enough, Mr No Fun at Parties.” –made of wince

“Points to Helga for creatively skewering an extra box on the horns of her helmet! Fewer points to Hagar for jamming a box all the way down over his head and asphyxiating.” –matt w

“The problem for this Viking is that, outside of mediaeval craft guilds, worker organization hasn’t come up yet. Even if it did come, the general illiteracy makes punny picket signs like ‘Give us a raise or we raze!’ useless to get their point across to the general public.” –Philip

“You know who else doesn’t have to buy clothes? Children, because their mothers buy them! Check your privilege, Jeff!” –Ettorre

“What family does Declan have now? Not the one he’s marrying into, for sure: several key clauses in the pre-nup have made that quite clear.” –pugfuggly

“I doubt that there’s anything in Chunky Monkey that could choke an osprey, which can swallow a small fish whole. It’s the theobromine poisoning that will get him.” –matt w

“The beret tells us Schemeese is French, and I think it’s kind of sweet that for his execution they’ve tied him to a giant baguette.” –Peanut Gallery

“They still get a paper delivered? Is Ditto going to start a scrap metal drive for the war effort tomorrow?” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“I imagine a lot of Elon Musk fans aren’t familiar with the Phantom, so here’s a quick primer: he’s a white African born into wealth and privilege, who claims to be saving the world but who seems to spend a lot of time lurking in his high-tech base trying to eugenically breed his successors, and he’s going to meet a superhero in striped underpants.” –Schroduck

“That ‘SLAP!’ isn’t the sound of a newspaper being delivered. It’s a guy masturbating under their window. But Hi can still lament the changes in the world. In his day, a guy had to go down to the adult book store with the peep shows to do that. Today’s kids feel entitled to jerk off in his rhododendrons.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Does Gertie’s flashlight actually produce light or just place a wedge-shaped ‘day filter’ over part of the panel?” –MRNA Loy, on Bluesky

“This will really give us insight into how long the lead time on your typical Phantom strip is. Will Ian Mollusk be portrayed as a super-genius? It’s over four years. Will he be portrayed as kind of a doofus? About two years. Will he be portrayed as attempting to build a new utopia on the Moon, but only for white snails with divorced snail energy? Then these strips are being written right now. Anyhow, I applaud the fact that the rocket is still drawn like they drew them in the 1950s, some things should be eternal.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

“Dithers is an alien originally from a planet made out of Dagwoods (since destroyed).” –nescio

“Are you suffering from grief and major depression? Hi, I’m Mary Worth for Marworthxli, the fifteen minute cure!” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Is that tree moving, or is Roz’s place actually a revolving restaurant? You’d think a cool feature like that would bring in a lot more customers, but I guess a great view doesn’t mean as much when everyone’s a bird.” –BigTed

“It’s funny cuz ‘top’ has more than one meaning! …Hold on. It’s not funny. Never mind.” –Weaselboy

“[Minutes earlier, a text conversation…]
M – Jeff, my friend, I have a favor to ask of you.
J – sure mary whats up
M – Have you ever done a burial at sea before?
J – uh cant say i have
J – why
M – My dear friend Wilbur has been very sad lately and no longer values himself properly.
M – He isn’t taking my advice and I’m displeased by his poor attitude.
M – So after some thought, I figured this would be the best solution.
J – haha
J – wait are you serious
M – I’m always serious, Jeff.
M – This is what’s best for Wilbur.
J – holy shit
J – uh
J – okay
J – since its for you
J – bring wilbur in the morning
J – there will be less people around
M – Yes, this is a private matter. Thank you for being understanding, Jeff. See you tomorrow.
J – god help us for doing this
M – He surely will, Jeff. He surely will.” –jroggs

“‘Next assignment — come up with an idea for a comic strip about military life, that’s been running daily for over 70 years. That narrows the possibilities for originality. How about [scans Internet, hits a recipe site] pie? And with pie for a premise, what’s a punchline? [reads further on the recipe page] Ice cream! That combo is a [checks vocabulary list] knee-slapper! Now for the military part: the guys cooking and eating the pie are soldiers! Done!’ So today we have further evidence that at Walker-Browne Enterprises, even the artificial intelligence that produces the strips has a tee time. Hey, maybe this strip wasn’t its best work, but there was only three milliseconds left before robot golf!” –seismic-2

“That’s right, General, Sarge used French. I think he’s the enemy agent we’ve been looking for. Get the MPs over here quickly because … j’accuse. What? No, I said ‘I accuse.’ I accuse Sarge. [Cookie hung up the phone, humming ‘La Marseillaise’ quietly.]” –Voshkod

“Exxxxxcellent. Wilbur is wearing his best suit, which means he’s probably wearing his slippery, black, leather-soled dress shoes instead of the boat shoes worn by experienced sailors. If he doesn’t slip overboard first, Dr. Jeff will certainly toss him into the briny deep just for leaving scuff marks on the deck.” –Charterstoned

“Hi, I’m Chip and this is my temporary girlfriend, Chippina.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Wilbur, like myself, is an enthusiast of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. He’s also somehow found a supermarket that carries it in half gallon containers and not just the usual pints. I’ve simultaneously identified with and experienced jealousy for Wilbur Weston this morning. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to sleep forever.” –Kevyn on Video