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Hey, don’t forget, I have two comedy Zoom shows coming up in November and December! Meanwhile, all Americans — nay, all people everywhere — should come to pay their respects to this week’s top comment:

“All of the crops in Hootin’ Holler failed this year because of some sort of plague, so the residents are reduced to eating the wood that they chop, yes. At first they had hopes it would at least be tastier than the rotted vegetables but alas, they are finding their bark is worse than their blight.” –Shrug

It was a hard-fought battle, though, and this week’s runners up have nothing to be ashamed of:

“TIRED: Don’t talk about bird stuff if your characters are anthropomorphic birds
WIRED: Don’t talk about COVID-19 if your characters are eating in a restaurant without a mask in sight” –Dan

“Oh Mary Beth. Knowing how to read and write ain’t gonna land you a man! Now that’s some real ed-joo-ma-cation fer ya.” –jenna

“Dennis’s idea of fun is just pulling his friend round the block in a cart, stopping occasionally to gripe about the neighbors. He’ll fit into the drudgery of adulthood perfectly.” –Schroduck

“‘It’s weird, Tracy’ is a great opening line for a Dick Tracy plot, because the answer is literally everything, and none of it is going to get acknowledged by the characters.” –pugfuggly

“What makes this case more weird than all the others? The comas? ‘Three people now exist without consciousness, trapped in a liminal state between life and death … anyway, yeah, go down and look for crime stuff.’” –Mr. A

“Given Rex’s distant personality, every appointment is a ‘remote’ appointment.” –BigTed

“The hospital? Oh, yeah, they let me go for gross incompetence three weeks ago. Did I not mention that?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“‘Before I draw nearer to that cell phone which you hold,’ said Trail, ‘answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?’” –Peanut Gallery

“Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like if a gal coquettishly asks a fella, ‘notice anything different about me?’ and the difference he’s supposed to have noticed is the relative bulkiness of her undergarments, that flirtation’s gone off the rails a bit.” –Violet

“Elviney isn’t sure what’s worse: that Loweezy allows her physically and mentally impaired child to handle an axe so casually, or the sub-Crankshaft level of wit that passes for today’s punchline. Either way, she’s going to keep that comically exaggerated smile plastered to her face until she can find an opening in the conversation and make her escape.” –Doctor Moreau

“I cannot predict anything other than tragic results from any delicate operation in which the surgeon’s index finger is the same size as the patient’s shin.’ –seismic-2

“The question of whether a doctor should perform unnecessary surgery if a patient demands it would be difficult if the Hippocratic Oath, or even minimal medical training, had reached Hootin’ Holler. In other news, Snuffy’s going to die horribly, sliced open by a guy who found a head mirror and hospital gown on the side of the road!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The colorists actually did some fine work in Dustin, showing a bit of red wine through the lens of the white wine. Nice job! Sorry it was in service of such a sad joke.” –Voshkod

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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FOLKS! The Internet Read Aloud, America’s #1 Internet themed-show that takes place in Los Angeles but is now on Zoom and is hosted by me will be happening not once but twice between now and the end of the year! First up, the majesty of Thankszooming:

This show will feature a chill afternoon vibe: It’s on Sunday, November 15, at 1 pm Pacific, and features show favorites Patrick Susmilch and Sammy Mowrey, Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka, and show newcomer Nina Butterfly! Here’s the Zoom link, for future reference, and here’s the Facebook event, if you find that helpful!

Then we slide into December with Zoomukkah!

This show is on Saturday, December 5, at 6 pm Pacific, and features Time Out LA comic to watch Katrina Davis, Jupiter Bardot (who hosts his own internet-themed comedy show, which makes this a superstar teamup), plus show newbies Laurie Bolewitz and Brian Bahe! Here’s the Zoom link, and here’s the Facebook event!

And if you find it helpful to get updates like this straight to your mailbox, you can sign up for the Internet Read Aloud mailing list!

Finally: You may have heard that there is a major and still unresolved U.S. presidential election that we’re in the middle of! Maybe you have been talking/arguing about it on other posts — I hope not! I haven’t read them yet, but that’s not what they’re for! If you feel you simply must talk/argue about the election on this website, I urge you to do so in the comments on this post. I will not be reading them! Good luck and God bless!

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Folks, you deserve this week’s comment of the week:

“I have never seen a ghost, so I cannot categorically say that those ghosts are drawn badly. I have seen a couch.” –A Concerned Reader

You deserve the runners up, too! They’re all great, every one of them!

“Okay, it’s Bill Clinton who calls the head of ICE — in this current political environment — and saves the day. Surely that’s the most unbelievable plot point… [reads today’s strip] ‘Montoni’s Pizza is great pizza.’ Nope, wrong again.” –Little Guy

“Damn, Funky is one cold-hearted businessman. Initially upset to see the goons who tried deporting his friend, his mood brightens the instant he hears they want to place an order.” –Bill L

“I was kind of hoping than the jazz fest was being held on the other side of the fence and Stokes would end up impaled on a clarinet.” –Guillermo el chiclero

“I assume the reason why Rex never cut his own hair is he has the same shiny, impermeable hair helmet as a lego minifig, and it’s pretty hard to style those. He did once try on the ponytail hair with the blue and purple streaks, though, when he was feeling adventurous.” –Rita Lake

“It doesn’t bother anybody else that Dapper Dude’s car is at least somewhat sentient??! Those are stars of pain… STARS OF PAIN, PEOPLE!” –Janis and company

“There ain’t no parts ’round these parts. Not fer machines an’ not fer the sick folk who jus’ need a new liver. What did you say yer blood type was, again?” –Lionheart

“It depends, Billy. How much do you love Big Brother?” –Rita Lake

“Deus ex Crown Victoria” –Big Ted

“Tell it to the hand that’s about to touch everyone’s groceries, attached to the person who felt sick last night.” –A Concerned Reader

“He went from suffering ill consequences due to drug dealing, to suffering ill consequences due to drug use, to suffering ill consequences without even enjoying money or drugs! Truly Tommy’s journey is a blessing — for us, not him.” –Ettorre

“It’s LSD 0: the only all-purpose cleaner on the market that guarantees that there is absolutely no LSD in their product. Why aren’t those other cleaners making that claim, huh? Makes you think.” –pugfuggly

“I have discovered puns, mother. The next thirty years of me living under your roof is going to be a living hell, mother. Crayoffs. CRAYOFFS, MOTHER!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“So Dennis is mature enough to understand and engage in fairly sophisticated wordplay, but not mature enough to stop literally writing on the walls? He’s not just a menace, he’s a menace savant!” –Ringo Beaumont III

“There’s no candy but Dagwood brought a pumpkin bucket, presumably because the party might drag on and he might need to relieve himself at some point.” –nescio

“Annie? There’s something you want to tell me, I can see it in your horrible empty white sockets. I mean, your eyes. I can see it in your eyes. Those are eyes. I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget.” –made of wince

“Did not expect this from a strip I mostly associate with ‘eaten alive by rats,’ but Dick Tracy aced the Bechdel Test today: three (3) women characters, with names, talking about something other than a man. Okay, the ‘vampire killer’ did turn out to be a man, but it’s the Brown sisters who are mentioned by name — and the Professor was perhaps more machine than man anyway, although this argument bodes ill for people with dentures.” –Skedastic

“There’s a whole vampire plot, Brenda Starr constantly sparkles in direct sunlight for some reason … can a Dick Tracy/Twilight crossover be far behind? Imagine the look on Dick’s face as the premise is explained to him, right before he opens fire.” –Dan

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!