Archive: Blondie

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Blondie, 5/25/20

If you had asked me to make a list of Dagwood’s trademark “things,” obviously sandwiches would be at the top, but I’d also say sleepiness, being a slacker at work, insatiable hunger (if we’re thinking of that as a separate thing from the sandwiches), his constant physical abuse of the mailman, and his weird passive-aggressive relationship with his supposed “best friend” and next door neighbor. “Classic TV” wouldn’t appear anywhere on the list, and while as written for the last decade or two Dagwood has embodied powerful boomer vibes and I’d definitely believe that he’s into classic TV, all the TV jokes in this strip are about made-up shows with food themes that he’s obsessed with (see “insatiable hunger,” above). This strip, in other words, has shaken me to my very core.

Gil Thorp, 5/25/20

“If you hadn’t imposed a life-altering punishment on a student for an extremely minor infraction, you could’ve been fired and reduced to penury yourself! Remember, in this totalitarian panopticon, we are simultaneously the enforcers of arbitrary rules and subject to them. It’s very grim!”

Marvin, 5/25/20

Man, it took me a lot longer than it should’ve for to realize that by “poor loser” the girl baby whose name I refuse to learn or look up means what a normal English speaker would call a “sore loser”; I thought she meant someone who was a loser because they were poor, and I actually started getting indignant on Marvin’s behalf. He’s not poor at all! Have you seen his bathroom? It’s a fucking palace!

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Blondie, 5/3/20

Well, it’s not surprising that the Bumsteads’ suburb, where packs of semi-feral dogs roam the streets at night, has been a little laissez-faire in the public health front, but it looks like it’s finally under enforced social distancing rules. And much as I enjoy Mr. Dithers’s trademark dollar-sign PJs, I really respect Cora’s decision to maintain some shred of civilization and put on her pearls for a day — week? month? — when she’s definitely not going anywhere.

Daddy Daze, 5/3/20

Years ago, my wife and brother-in-law and I were discussing the possibility of training monkeys to work in retail establishments, and I said one of the downsides would be the pooping, for which diapers would be only a temporary solution, and he replied with a sentence that has been burned into my brain ever since: “Once we teach a monkey how to change another monkey’s diapers, it’ll be all monkeys up in here.” In truth, isn’t that the story of the human race? Aren’t we the monkeys who have learned to change each other’s diapers? What I’m trying to say is these children will soon eliminate the last thing they need the Daddy Daze Daddy for, which will blessedly remove any justification for his continued presence in their lives.

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Dustin, 4/16/20

Because Dustin tries to take an even-handed approach to its tales of the generation wars, it gives each of its main characters little foibles: Dustin, for instance, is lazy, feckless, stupid, unattractive to women, and generally is responsible for this once-great nation going down the toilet, whereas Dustin’s dad sometimes likes to snack too much. Anyway, I’m a guy who knows a little bit about emotional eating, and if Dustin thinks his dad can’t shovel popcorn into his maw while weeping, well, it looks like stealing his dad’s popcorn is just another “job” he’s going to fail at.

Mary Worth, 4/16/20

Mary’s go-to piece of concrete advice when people are having a hard time choosing between options is to tell them to make a list of pros and cons, and it looks like Dawn is getting a lot of material as she decides which boyfriend to dump!

HUGO: Extremely hot
JARED: Clumsy, sniveling nerd
Hugo +1

HUGO: Will not shut the fuck up about how much better things are in France
JARED: Will not shut the fuck up about Star Wars

Looks like Hugo’s still in the lead!

Blondie, 4/16/20

It’s taken years, but I guess the comics-reading public has grown numb to Dagwood’s obviously erotic relationship with food. So now, in order to titillate and repulse us by turns, Dagwood is turning to the auto-erotic, becoming obviously aroused by video footage of himself unhinging his jaw to swallow a sandwich whole. Who says legacy comics can’t innovate?

Dick Tracy, 4/16/20

This strip’s occasional “Minit Mysteries” have usually honored the second half of that phrase, each one providing clues over its two-week span that would allow to reader to solve the mystery, Slylock Fox-style. However, it seems the current Case Of The Sexy Tied Up Alien is going to be solved the “old-fashioned way,” which is to say by the police force executing a no-knock warrant and charging in with their guns blazing, killing perpetrator and victim alike.

Family Circus, 4/16/20

Man, the Family Circus intern/algorithm that combs through the archives for topical panels sure is working hard, huh? I assume this one was originally created as part of a campaign against single-payer health care.

Gasoline Alley, 4/16/20

Gasoline Alley, the strip that brought you a thrilling storyline about trying to return a DVD player, now puts you through each pulse-pounding moment of a meeting that falls apart because the organizers can’t figure out the A/V equipment and the main speaker is late!!!! Can you handle the thrills??????