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Folks! Did you enjoy the Zoom version of my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, last month? If so, please sound off about it in the comments! If not, you will want to see the next one, which is tentatively scheduled for two weeks from today! Either way, if you want updates on when shows are going to happen, who’s going to be in them, and how you can watch, you should subscribe to the mailing list I have set up for that purpose! I promise I will use your email only for uses described in this paragraph and no other!

This week’s top comment has no other purpose but to make you laugh:

“I like that the emergency arrow points away from the hospital, presumably toward another, better hospital across the street.” –Joe Blevins

The runners up are also there for your amusement!

“[trying to learn English idioms] Like a hot knife through sliced bread” –ambignostic, on Twitter

“I’m okay with the characters in Gasoline Alley watching TV but I draw the line at the TV having a remote.” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“‘That’s where we stick our feets therein’ — lyrics I’ll be compulsively parsing the rest of my life.” –Pozzo

“Absolutely devastated to see that Mary has broken Madi’s spirit to the extent that Madi is being nice not only to her but to Toby.” –matt w

“I love that Toby didn’t take the extra two minutes to clean up her filthy kitchen before forcing her bastard confection onto Mary and Madi. That same spilled egg from days ago is still on her counter! ‘Toby, I’m sorry to admit…’ Mary trails off for just a moment, her words failing as she contemplates just how many of Ian’s beard hairs she’s just ingested in that thumb-sized bite of bread.” –Wilktoast

“The signs off-panel to the left say ‘YANKEE GO HOME’ and ‘USA OUT OF NIGHTMARE LAND.’” –Peanut Gallery

“The plugger of course has backup equipment for this very situation in the form of a belt. It pays to be prepared but does add a couple minutes to each trip to the litter box.” –nescio

“Cherry, people sometimes abandon creatures they don’t want. How do you think Rusty got here?” –But What Do I Know?

“Dangerous? Yes. But it has to be done. Cindy and Marianne stand no chance against this miles-long fire. They’re just women, whereas these two heroes a.) are male, and will be able to tame the fire, b.) bring to the situation the combined crisis management skills of an English teacher and a playactor, and c.) ride on unmeltable tires.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Les will be forever immortalized as ‘and a passenger’ in TMZ’s report on the fiery death of Mason Jarr.” –Vardian

“Come for the awkward personal dynamics, stay for the red-hot floor plan discussion!” –Doctor Moreau

“Syndicate colorists, please note that beaver teeth are orange, not white. If I was willing to accept such gross inaccuracies in depictions of animal anatomy, I would be reading Pluggers instead. Thank you and good day.” –Mr. A

“Grizz and/or Associate went into military subcontracting because he heard it was a pork barrel, and he’s furious he still hasn’t found that barrel. Those eyes say ‘I’d better get a big container full of pig parts or at least one of you is getting eaten.’” –Schroduck

“This is just the Funkyverse remake of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge; Les is actually hallucinating as he is slowly dying of smoke inhalation and carbon monoxide. The Feel-Good Story of the Year!” –Dmsilev

“Pete Smith, our neighbor, was telling me how concerned he was, about your recent inability to remember names or your relationships with people. Cherry, the person you’re shacked up with, feels the same concern.” –Only Here For The Ads

“It had been a long time coming, it was inevitable, and General Halftrack really should have expected it. His career had long been in decline, and his irrelevance at Camp Swampy had become increasingly apparent as they first moved him to a tiny desk and then took away his computer, his telephone, and the entire contents of his office. He had been left with only a single sheet of paper, and no pens or pencils to make markings on it, no stapler to fasten it to anything, no envelope to put it in, and no file cabinet in which he could store and retrieve it. Still, it was his sheet of paper, and by God he was going to do his job by sitting at his desk and looking at it, so that when anyone happened to walk by they would see that he was doing something! He was asserting that he was not in fact just dead wood — he was still useful! He was up-to-date on current social trends and modern technology — this was a new, fresh sheet of paper! He belonged in the modern Army, and there was no way he was going to be just cast off as a has-been reminder of a bygone era. It therefore came as something of a shock, and a profound disappointment, when Lt Fuzz showed up with a visitor bringing the General a bear costume for his new assignment. After a too-long career at Camp Swampy, Amos Halftrack was finally being transferred to Pluggers.” –seismic-2

“2020’s so nuts I didn’t even notice Mary Worth become a Jack Chick tract promoting a monotheistic religion built around Gram Parsons.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“Why all the secrecy about the ingredient? It’s legal in most states now.” –Mysterion

“TFW you lose your villa to a natural disaster so you have to stay on your boat. Relatable!” –Ettorre

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Here’s your week’s top comment, everybody — enjoy!

“My favourite part of this strip is Pete’s face. See that expression? That’s Pete ‘not worrying about it’. That’s just how he lives his life, every day.” –pugfuggly

Today’s runners up are also enjoyable!

“Wikipedia tells me Point Dume was the filming location for the final scene in Planet of the Apes, a fact that leads me to hope this will end with Les kneeling outside the charred remains of the Lisa’s Story soundstage screaming ‘You bastards, you burned it up!’” –TheDiva

“I wanted to be angry at the smug look on Mindy’s dad’s face, but then I realized he lives in the Funkyverse and being one of the original Starbuck Jones Junior Spacemen of America was probably the last moment of joy and happiness he was allowed to experience so I’m going to let it slide this time.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“My house is on your way, so you can give me a ride?” –Foodar

“‘So anyway, I was on one knee…’ ‘You proposed to her before she accepted the job?’ ‘No, I had this bitchin scooter … the masses would part before me as I scooted … I was a God…’” –DevOpsDad

“I’m starting to think Dustin’s unemployability is part of some strange cosmic balance, where he can’t hold down a job because his dad is too firmly and irreversibly attached to his job. I say this because this is the first time I’ve seen someone grocery shopping in a full suit and tie.” –Mr. A

“Treasure this moment, June. It will be the last moment Rex will think of you before making a decision. Treasure it.” –Jenna

“What are those sheets of paper Loretta Lockhorn is reading, you might ask? Emails. Emails she prints out in full color on the high quality setting. Emails with subjects like ‘FW: FW: FW: Re: FW: U just cant make this Stuff up!!’” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“Climate change killing the cast of Funky Winkerbean will likely make people think it’s less a problem than a solution. The Pulitzer Committee is unlikely to approve this message.” –Where’s Rocky

“Why two bowls? Apparently the one she is stirring is the only one she cares about enough to summon Mary. The other one is probably Ian’s dinner, which she doesn’t care about at all.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Choosing to believe Toby has like three of these crises a week, and Mary is constantly muting her phone while advising people with moderate-to-real problems. She befriended this woman years ago just naturally assuming she’d eventually have an affair or something and need advice, and instead texts are piling up like ‘911 SOUFFLÉ FELL’ and ‘CAN’T FIND SHOES PLZ ADVISE’” –Dan

“Wait though … do pluggers know how to use horizontal and vertical hold knobs?? Because I’m just old enough to remember having those when I was a kid, and I’m pretty sure their usage did not involve bear-hugging the TV.” –ratnerstar

“Our next exhibit, that of Leroy Lockhorn, demonstrates the master’s touch, as he shatters perceptions of reality with this construction of what superficially appears to be a humble lamp table or end piece. In reality, he brings to the forefront the inability of humans to meaningfully reach out to their fellows, or to form lasting relationships that bring harmony and inner peace. Note that the seeming chaos is actually perfectly planned out, as truly random construction would wind up with gaps. No, we are all held fast, in a trap if you will, devoid of meaning, trying to achieve the unachievable and yet achieving something quite different and subtly horrifying. The misery will never end — for the table, for Lockhorn himself, nor for you and for me as well.” –bone

“Sarah would have been better off asking about the origin of June’s current hairstyle. ‘I noticed in the flashbacks, you had a ponytail, Mom. When did your hair go from being practical and efficient to being super practical and efficient?’” –Joe Blevins

“Rice Krispies? RICE KRISPIES? What kind of nothing garbage are we being sold here? This kid is a Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles kid. Froot Loops or Honey Smacks, probably. Chocolate Krave, no doubt. Count Chocula and Frankenberry and Cap’n Crunch, preferably mixed in the same bowl in some kind of zombie recipe. But, NOT A CEREAL THAT A TWENTY-SOMETHING MIGHT CHOOSE AS PART OF THE LATEST ODDBALL WEIGHT LOSS DIET! WHAT NEXT, SPECIAL K OR ALL-BRAN? THIS IS NOT MENACING AT ALL!” –Just John

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Enjoy your last moments of July with your comment of the week!

“Well, right now they’re in Current Affairs. Because I’m an idiot. I can’t tell any type of reading material apart. A big fat novel looks like a magazine or a newspaper to me. It’s no accident these books don’t have anything on their covers. I order them that way, because I become confused and enraged when I have to see words. I named my bookstore ‘Books.’ God, I’m dumb.” –made of wince

And get ready for August with your hilarious runners up!

“Norway doesn’t get all that hot, even in mid-summer. So Hagar and Eddie aren’t sweating because of the temperature — they’re just very, very serious alcoholics.” –BigTed

“I feel that we’ve really bitten into the idea that this elderly woman is Melissa Claridge to our detriment. What if we’re not wiping out that part of the Rex Morgan, M.D. continuity, but instead revealing that Rex has long been harangued by a near-constant stream of elderly white women?” –Corynaut

“Well at least Madi is getting a head start on learning that she can’t rely on any of the men in her family! Who wants to bet she won’t be nearly as torn up inside when her dad eventually dies?” –Lionheart

“Out of every expression in that last panel, it’s Cookie’s that concerns me the most: the voice bubble says ‘Yay!’ but her face looks haunted, as if she just remembered the bag of shit-stained guest towels she has to discretely dispose of under cover of darkness.” –pugfuggly

“Look, conservation of mass implies that whatever goes into Dagwood eventually has to come out of Dagwood. Toilet paper is serious business in that household, is what I’m getting at.” –Dmsilev

“Sorry about this, Catfox, but you can’t go home until you decide which species you want to be.” –jroggs

“I believe they meant 1952’s Zombies of the Stratosphere in which Nimoy did appear. As Crankshaft himself might say, ‘They mixed their movie-phors.’” –Sir Bagsby

“I’m proud of you, son, for showing your baby a weird and irrelevant movie that he is far too young to enjoy or even remember! My standards are exceptionally low.” –Mr. A

“Aging, his vitality running low, the healer seeks a younger man to perform the ritual mating so the practice may continue. The mysterious village elder has already spoken to him about it. With any luck, this ends with some sort of large structure with Rex inside it being set on fire.” –matt w

“Let’s see, six suits. Business suit, casual suit, white suit for the summer, hazmat suit, lawsuit for hiding in that lady’s closet, and fursuit (just because he’s a bear doesn’t mean his fursona is a bear).” –Voshkod

“Is Dennis holding a carton of cigarettes? Gotta start ’em young!” –Lord Flatulence

“Today’s Crankshaft strip informs us that portions of the 1935 movie serial The Phantom Empire were filmed in the Bronson Canyon section of Griffith Park (as were a host of other movies and TV shows over the years, on account of its proximity to Hollywood). It should also be noted that Bronson Canyon got its name from the Bronson Caves contained within it, and they in turn were named for the nearby Bronson Avenue, which also gave its name to the Bronson Gate entrance to Paramount Studios, which was the source of the name that Charles Buchinsky chose when he became actor Charles Bronson. I point this story out because it is just as boring and pointless as today’s episode of Crankshaft.” –seismic-2

“Look at the Perfesser in that second panel. Look how he’s staring directly at us, the readers. That’s not the goggle-eyed gaze of someone reacting to a bad joke. No, that’s the horrified look of someone who has finally seen through the fourth wall. He thought he was just looking out a window, but he has looked out of his own existence to our greater reality. His eyes have widened in existential horror as he realized that he is just a character in a legacy comic strip. He has no objective reality. He can never truly die, just as he has never truly lived, and the shock of that realization is drawn in every line on his face. Or maybe he’s pooping his pants.” –RichterCa

“Grimm is an Uber executive so it just doesn’t feel right to him if he’s not crapping all over a driver.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Maybe it’s me, but it seems a bad idea to play cute with the shelving of a book that’s getting a profile-raising miniseries on CBS All Access.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!