“I don’t know why everyone is so surprised at this turn of events: if there’s one thing that gets everyone in Westview horny, it’s tragic deaths.” –pugfuggly

“Why does the face in the tabletop picture frame have a black bar across the eyes? There is a level of kink in the Mitchell household that I’m not sure I can handle knowing about.” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“You know you’ve hired the correct guy to write your medical-themed comic strip when the most meticulously researched thing in his entire career is the collection of names of alt country and roots rock acts scribbled on a dressing room wall.” –TH Steady

“I am dying to know what libertarian decided to commission a statue of Atlas in his local public park to protest his tax dollars funding it.” –Gareth

“I see the ‘Gil Thorp Random Name Generator’ is operating at peak efficiency.” –Lawyerbob

“‘The forecast says it might snow tomorrow.’ ‘Doesn’t matter. Or at least not to me, since I won’t be there. I’ll check in around May 10, to see how things are going.’” –seismic-2

“Look at Grampa, there! With his suavely-manicured moustache, self-assured air, stylish dress and snarky put-downs. We don’t see much of Grampa, for some reason. That’s possibly because visiting his grandson involves walking past Wilson, previously Sgt Wilson, whom Grampa strongly suspects to this day tried to frag his cosseted Ivy League ass that day in Da Nang.” –Hergen

“The questionable art in today’s Six Chix aside, I’ve lived in Chicago for thirteen years now and I do entirely agree with the message being conveyed here. Most neighborhood pizza joints around here serve a thin crust cut into squares, and I’ve both ordered and been served this style probably 90+% of the time I’ve eaten pizza here. Deep dish is eaten here, but somewhat rarely. So Six Chix might have done a public service by moving the needle on that … toward deep dish, because the thought of tavern style pizza having a face and cartoon ‘sexy eyelashes,’ winking at me as I gaze in astonishment at a hot, fresh pie just recently delivered, is deeply unsettling and I would prefer the entirely ordinary-looking deep dish to that horrorshow of a pizza slice, thank you.” –BorgHunter

“Not only is Doc Pritchard a hill person, the cast of Snuffy Smith also includes characters named Granny and Grampy Pritchard, who must be related to him somehow but seem to be roughly the same age, maybe a little older. Have things gotten so depraved in Hootin’ Holler that a person’s parents might also be his grandparents?” –Joe Blevins

“Well! I guess they don’t shit in the woods!” –nescio

“Given how much Polly has grown between the first two panels (from slightly above regular parrot-size to Big Bird) I expect a Godzilla situation by the end of the week. I look forward to finding out how Gasoline Alley manages to make this boring.” –Horace Broon

“Okay, nobody was anticipating the levels of social distancing we would be at now back when this Funky Winkerbean comic was being so lovingly prepared. The fact that they went beyond creepy to horrifying with the face touch is just a sign of this strip’s unerring talent for grossing you out.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“This is what you get if Jeffrey Dahmer wrote a spec script for Pixar.” –ArtistFKAtoxic

“So, Buck, what’s your life insurance situation? What kind of estate would your spouse stand to inherit, anyway? Big inheritances are SO sexy. Do you know anything about brake maintenance? No? Great.” –Cloudbuster

“You know a comic strip has gone off the rails when your reaction to the punchline is ‘Wait, what does Hi Flagston think nuclear annihilation involves?’” –Schroduck

“This makes no sense. Everything I learned from cartoons tells me that the one wearing the beret is supposed to be the director.” –Peanut Gallery

“I know Hi means well, but millennials fear climate change AND nuclear war. Like buying a house or having a pension, a mind that can only hold one existential anxiety at a time is a luxury for boomers and Gen X.” –Ettorre

“Sophie’s verbose smear slogan rolls off the tongue like a mouthful of bee stingers. At least the message is clear: Mayor Sanderson is a phony! Or … a talented performer that deserves a prominent role in this film, maybe? Sophie’s loyalties change so frequently it could easily be either.” –jroggs

“Asking to do one’s homework in one’s skivvies is the kind of baffling, perverse request I’d expect from one of the Keane kids but not from Curtis. It’s amazing how just a couple of weeks of self-isolation can turn any family into Family Circus. The cure may indeed be worse than the disease.” –Jenna

“‘Which brings us to Ultima Thule*…’ [pronounced ‘Too-lay’] ‘Isn’t he the villain from the Thor* movie?’ [pronounced ‘Tor’] ‘I wonder if it’s too late to revisit the board’s early retirement package*?’ [pronounced ‘getting driven out into the country and released in a field somewhere’]” –Guy Lumbago

“Debonair? You’re looking for someone who’s debonair, lady? You’re living in the wrong century. The last of the debonair (and there weren’t many left) died of extremely old age in the early 2000s. They barely outlived the dashing, who were killed off by grunge in the ’90s.” –Joe Blevins

“Strange, I would have expected Hootin’ Holler to have at least one perfectly functional treadmill, but only because it is an old one that is actually used to power a local grain mill.” –Corynaut

“My favorite thing about Kevin is the way his hair keeps changing to match his emotions. In the first panel, he’s somewhat upset, and his hair is accordingly roiled. But by the third panel, Kevin is VERY upset, and his hair has formed into menacing spikes, ooh.” –Poteet

“I’ve been in some terrible conversations in my life, but never one so awful that I had to crack a window to ventilate the word balloons.” –jroggs

“I like to think Curtis is sitting there butt-naked from the waist down. ‘Mom, can’t I wear underwear?‘ ‘NO! The laundromat is four streets over and full of coughing homeless people. You’ll get clean underwear in the After Times.’” –Momster

“So Elmo has a trainee now? Hope he’s filed all the proper tax forms.” –Pozzo

“I think Alan is still having trouble getting into his ‘working-class hero’ persona. ‘I know, we’ll hold my fundraiser in a big barn! That’s where the lower classes live, right? In big communal barns?’” –pugfuggly

“The great thing about this Mary Worth story is no matter what choice Dawn makes, she’s going to regret it! Will she choose wet blanket Jared, who has all the sexual appeal of an actual wet blanket, or will she choose a relationship with someone thousands of miles away who’s definitely fucking other people? She can’t win and she’ll be miserable either way! Like father, like daughter I guess.” –Rosstifer

“Something tells me Mary could squeeze a slut-shamed face out of the pope. The woman is an artist, humanity’s her canvas.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“A very meaningful strip. Colonized people wish they could completely cancel the colonizers and return to an imagined purity pre-invasion. However, history is messier. The histories of colonizers and colonized are forever entangled, as evidenced by the fact that Grossie had a child with Maggot. French Algeria is no more, but there will be something French in Algeria and something Algerian in France forever. Also, men are slobs and wives nag.” –Ettorre

“Convenience, Mary? You don’t know the half of it. He works in a hospital. He can get me all the hand sanitizer I could ever use!” –Peanut Gallery

“Jared feels like home. Probably because he doesn’t comb his hair and wears a ratty hoodie, like you do when you’re home all day rather than out on a date with another person. Also I have to clean him a lot.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“What do you think happens when we die? I mean, I know what happens when we die inside, when our dream of doing cartoons for the New Yorker is crushed and we end up the sixth chick, such an insulting name, on a fifth-rate daily strip. But when we really die? Because brother, I cannot wait!” –Voshkod

“I’m just saying, ‘I hope you know you can trust me‘ is exactly the sort of thing you would say to a pure soul you plan to sacrifice to appease your cruel forest god.” –TheDiva

“Anticipating further declines in the traditional reader demographic of Mary Worth, King Features has cannily pivoted from catering to elderly widows to providing wish fulfillment narratives for incels. Look forward to the new ‘Dawn-chan is my Waifu’ line of promotional apparel!” –stepped pyramids

“The best part of this is the expression on the Dachshund’s face in the last panel. It says ‘Why must I be a party to these incomprehensible human dramas?’” –Peanut Gallery

“I love how Jared looks up into the sky pleadingly before he kisses Dawn. ‘Skywalker give me strength’ those eyes seem to implore.” –Lionheart

“I know this was written weeks if not months ago, but Rex Morgan hunkering down with some classic pulp fiction at a time when most doctors are coping with a global health emergency is so perfectly on brand.” –TheDiva

“I was going to say ‘Maybe I’m an old fogey but are there any touchscreen devices that hang up in that kind of position,’ and then I went ‘oh duh, smart this or that devices connected to the internet of things,’ and then I googled ‘touch screen’+microwave and got six million hits, so I’ve flipped from not understanding this strip one way to not understanding this strip in the completely opposite way.” –matt w

“C’mon Ed — I’ve never seen you at a loss for a comeback. How about: ‘NPR — what’s that, Nazi Pinko Radio?’ You can have that one for free, just to get you back on your feet.” –Pozzo

“Leave Katharine Hepburn alone! She’s obviously in seclusion while she waits for that terrible dye job to grow out.” –Peanut Gallery

“Speaking of difficult new realities in the face of a horrifying pandemic, Dawn could really learn to practice some better social distancing. Not so much for health reasons as much as so she stops falling wildly in love with every man she briefly interacts with.” –jroggs

“The real menace here is that there are no adults around while these kids aren’t just gobbling up fast food but have also raided the pantry. It’s tempting to think Dennis has finally succeeded and overthrown all authority, creating a child-based society, with Mr. Wilson’s head on a stick at the entry gates serving as a warning to all potential invaders, but the grim reality is probably just that Dennis and Joey found Mr. Wilson’s edibles and are high as fucking kites.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Since his mouth is full, Dagwood makes the ‘heart’ symbol to let Blondie know that it is his aorta that is currently in distress from that enormous meal he’s eating. When he stuffs himself with sweets, he expresses his discomfort by making the ‘pancreas’ symbol. And you do not want to see the symbol he makes when he’s eating too many bran muffins.” –seismic-2

“You know, if I was a criminal with an incurable shaking problem, I would probably avoid scams that involve trying to discretely get away with glass jars filled with coins.” –pugfuggly

“See Greg’s face in panel four? That’s the look of a man who suddenly realizes that his core beliefs come from a book filled with pages he ‘seldom reads.’ Curtis thinks his dad is unyielding to his shameless appeals now, but once Greg starts quoting Hitchens and agreeing with Marx’s assertion that religion is the opium of the masses, he’ll only have himself to blame.” –Mighty Sean Young

“As someone who was on track to become a member of the clergy, let me give you some advice, Curtis. Just say ‘Leviticus’ or ‘Deuteronomy.’ Even if someone has a bible handy to fact check you, they’ll give up right around the fourth time God explains how he wants the curtains in his tent made or what parts of an animal he wants burned on which altar.” –Dread

“The way Chris points, I feel like he’s accusing Alexa of something. ‘I think you two will hit it off! Won’t you? WON’T YOU?! Don’t deny it!’” –JJ48

“First of all, there’s no way a penguin’s foot would fit into those vegan Nikes. And even if they did, bare feet are essential in helping penguins maintain a proper body temperature — a padded shoe would cause dangerous overheating. So, basically, that polar bear is doing his penguin friend a favor, by making sure his desire to look like all the cool kids doesn’t end up getting him hurt. It’s practically an Afterschool Special!” –BigTed

“When the Funkyverse isn’t revolving around its characters writing novels, it revolves around its characters writing comic books. Or movies based on said novels and comics books. In the smuggest, most pretentious way possible. Man I miss cancer.” –The Dimensional Otter

“Where did the idea for this book come from? Are you an empiricist, who believes that the mind is a tabula rasa working with sensory data taken from the outside world? Are you a Platonist, who believes the immortal soul has already seen the eternal ideas in the Hyperuranion and learning is just remembering? The public craves to know your stance on epistemology!” –Ettorre

“I understand lead times in newspaper comics mean this is from the Before Times, but I’m having a hard time imagining being so excited someone brought something in from the outside world that isn’t toilet paper or pasta.” –Biiirdmaaan!