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I’m not quite ready to sign off on comics-mocking for the decade yet, but nevertheless, this’ll be your last COTW for a while, so enjoy it! BUT FIRST: enjoy the anticipation of the first Internet Read Aloud of the ’20s, coming your way in only two weeks!

Here’s the Facebook event! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BE THERE!

Like I said, I’ve got a few more days of comics mocking in me, so please refresh ad-serving joshreads dot com pages constantly for updates, but for now, here’s your comment … of the week!

“Leroy has figured out the truth. The DEA never inspects ‘Tube Socks.’ Month after month, socks come up from Colombia. Month after month, Leroy repackages them and sends them on. Month after month, Leroy is paid well for this and, month after month, he refuses to spend a dime of it to do a damn thing for Loretta. The money just sits there, accruing interest, and Leroy imagines dying first. Loretta at the lawyer’s office for the reading of the will. ‘The remainder of the estate, amounting to $15 million in cash, is left to … the fire. I am directed to burn it all, and I quote, in front of my wife.’ It’ll be so great, Leroy thinks. Just wish I could be there to see it.” –Voshkod

And your very funny runners up!

“‘What’s new in the funeral home business?’ He’s got his reporter’s notebook out, which makes his question legit, so I guess he’s expecting to publish a big scoop in tomorrow’s Treetops Tattler. At least, Brookins/MacNelly didn’t go with an answer of ‘nothing, it’s a dying industry.’” –Just John

“God, look at the shit-eating (sorry) grin on Marvin in the last panel. That is the face of sociopathic malice, right there. ‘Yeah, I gave my mom post-partum depression,’ he’s thinking, ‘Life is good.’” –TheDiva

“Apparently, Lorenzo was a magician who would escape from an alligator. He couldn’t do that now — the animal-rights folks would be all over him, and buying a new alligator every day has gotten super-expensive.” –BigTed

“No one else ever interacts with Harry. I think he’s a ghost that haunts Becky.” –Tom T.

“Okay, look, we all know I make these stupid puns to delay actually making you guys play anything, because whenever you do, it sounds like an owl fucking a capybara, which I realize is a highly specific comparison to make, but hey, the poster’s on the door for a reason.” –els

“I’m not sure how I feel about the comic pointing out its own inability to tell jokes. If Batuik mocks his own comics so we don’t have to, aren’t we all out of a job?” –JJ48

“Sure, shoppers, there is a pissy-faced girl blocking the path and throwing off a hundred-foot zone of ‘don’t-give-a-shit,’ but that plain, black lettering on a white posted board ‘Visit Santa’ sign is inviting, right?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I know this isn’t really a ‘gag a day’ strip, but is there supposed to be a joke in there? I mean, it sure looks like Cayla finds the idea of her husband alone and miserable at Christmas kinda funny, which, yeah, I guess I kinda get.” –pugfuggly

“When you’re an experienced country doctor, you don’t start right off with, ‘Whoa, that’s a hell of a shiner you’ve got there!’ You lead up to it with small talk first.” –Peanut Gallery

“Estelle, Wilbur is not any better to be around when he’s predictable.” –Rosstifer

“If you keep missing Wilbur, maybe you should hire a hit man? I hear they don’t miss.” –ZeroWolf

“Dagwood said no to putting this product on his head. He ended up wearing it anyway and walked away reflecting how the person who gave it to him was right not to accept his rejection. And now multiple people are giving him nigh identical greetings, one telling him how good he looks for wearing it, all smiling and friendly in the midst of what should be frustrating purchasing sprees. Are there any ways to read that other than a mind control cult? Probably, but they rely on the idea that ‘extendo licks’ proved a good idea, so I’m ignoring them.” –pachoo

“That ‘sniff‘ reminds us that for decades pluggers thought fuzzy dice were air fresheners.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“So she used Google to find other, more interesting book readings in the area.” –nescio

“Panel two shows a man who is both terrified and getting exactly what he wants simultaneously. Mark secretly always wants a bear attack. You think when he’s talking to Cherry or, god forbid, Rusty, he isn’t praying for a bear to come bounding in? Of course he is! This Himalayan red is a manifestation of Mark’s subconscious, much as the Id Monster is for Dr. Morbius in Forbidden Planet.” –Joe Blevins

“I have bear repellent! Unfortunately I only brought enough for one person. Later bitches! Ha Haw!” –Danielakiiki

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Comment of the week? Comment of the week!

“You can tell Mike Nomad is a seasoned pro. He doesn’t need to ask what this armored car driver’s name is, or who he works for, or why he didn’t come forward sooner, or how he has Mike Nomad’s phone number, or why he’s calling him instead of the local authorities. Sure, a mysterious individual called him to bait him and his friend into a murderous trap yesterday, but that was yesterday, man. Pros don’t live in the past.” –jroggs

Hilarious runners up? Hilarious runners up!

“This is so unrealistic! I refuse to believe that someone who has never even seen a lightbulb would have one over his head when he has an idea.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Has anyone gone to a rock concert in a small club over the past few years? I have, and 90% of the audience looks like peers of George and Martha — that is, aged baby boomers out to revisit the classic music of their youth. So, I guess what I’m saying is that the real menace is time, and always was time.” –Where’s Rocky?

“There are very few ways in which a comic strip — a dying art and industry — can produce actual change and help save democracy. A salute Dennis the Menace for finding the perfect way: making fedoras even more uncool.” –Ettorre

“What is up with Vitamin’s face in that first panel. It’s like he’s getting blown by a succubus or heard a joke that is so funny it kills you.” –toxic

“So Alexa drinks her coffee in the car, wears noise-canceling headphones throughout the drive, and waits till she gets to school to work out and shower. If nothing else, this is one teenager who’s really figured out how never to talk to her parents.” –BigTed

“Dagwood opening his eyes wide to consume an improbably high stack of video subscriptions” –ambignostic, on Twitter

“I beg of you not to do this thing. If Garfield gets hold of this lasagna, there’ll never be another decent meal cooked in this kitchen. He’s already got charge of the manicotti. He’s got the stuffed shells. He got the garlic bread! And now he’s after us. Joe, you had one of those Garfield veal parmesan, didn’t you? Well, have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how long you were in the bathroom afterwards? Here, Ed. You know, you remember last year when things weren’t going so well, and you couldn’t make your spaghetti alla puttanesca? You didn’t lose your lunch, did you? Do you think Garfield would have let you keep it? Can’t you understand what’s happening here? Don’t you see what’s happening? Garfield isn’t cooking. Garfield’s eating! Now, we can get through this thing all right. We’ve got to stick together, though. We’ve got to have faith in each other. Otherwise we’ll be the meat in the lasagna!” –Voshkod

“Mr. Nomad, I know a place where you can get top quality turtlenecks cheap. And in every shade you can imagine — rust, bronze, tan, harvest gold, you name it.” –Joe Blevins

“Henry is clearly looking at a drawing by the Dadaist Paul Klee and speaking into the Notes app on his phone. The only thing left in his life that makes him truly happy is working on that art history thesis for the degree that he abandoned when he had to get a more menial job to support his family. Dennis, meanwhile, having grown up in the age of the internet, just sees everything as porn. The menace here is abundant.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Does that dude in the middle panel normally wear that hat, or is he just getting into character for his call. ‘Ok, I’m Sam. I’m an armored car driver, and I collect stamps in my time off. I’m … an only child, and I grew up feeling closer to my mother. Yeah … yeah, I think i’m getting this.’” –pugfuggly

“Well of course the ‘Book Fair’ room is empty — everybody’s down the hall at the ‘Book Terrific!’ room.” –Uncle Lumpy

“It’s not a great book signing when nobody attends your event. Have I got the gist of this week’s installments about right?” –Just John

“Listen, if we’re going to talk about ‘menacing,’ let’s talk about that teacher’s midsection, and what her obvious corset fetish has done to it.” –pastordan

“‘You are fettered,’ said Funky, trembling. ‘Tell me why?’ ‘I wear the red trucker hat I forged in life,’ replied the Ghost. ‘I made it gripe by gripe, and malaprop by malaprop; I refused to take it off of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.’” –Mighty Sean Young

“And that’s how Funky discovered the true meaning of Christmas: inventory management.” –GeoGreg

“‘Spontaneous‘ might apply to abruptly quitting a job you spent years in school preparing for because three weeks of Dennis are more than you can abide. Given that his teacher is never the same person twice, that’s about as menacing as it gets.” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hi everyone! TONIGHT is the latest fun edition of the Internet Read Aloud, my live Internet-themed comedy show, in Los Angeles!

It’s gonna be lit, much like a Christmas tree and/or menorah! Here’s the Facebook event!

And if you’re tired of me always plugging this show because you “don’t live in Los Angeles and have no intention of going there” or whatever, GOOD NEWS: if you live in the San Francisco Bay Area or plan to go there, you can see The Internet Read Aloud at SF SketchFest 2020!

The show is on Saturday, January 18 at 10 pm and I’m cohosting it with Rifftrax’s Conor Lastowka! Performers include Bill Corbett of MST3K/Rifftrax, Laser Malena-Webber of the Doubleclicks, Natasha Muse, and some more people that we haven’t booked yet but will soon! Seating is limited so get your tickets now!

Also, it’s Friday so don’t think I’ve forgotten the comment of the week, yo!

“150 yards for Chance Macy and 60 more for Charlie Roh. Unfortunately, the rest of the starting lineup was out with the measles and the bench players were all making TikToks about whatever Euphoria is.” –Irrischano

The runners up: Also hilarious!

“My immediate assumption when I saw the last panel was that Snuffy was ticked off on account of because the Parson took all the best and biggest portions of Sunday dinner for his very own self. In Snuffy’s own cabin, yet. Or is that someone else’s cabin? Like Elviney’s cabin? Or is it the parsonage? If it’s the parsonage, why are Loweezy and Elviney hanging around there? Or do they do all the cooking for the Parson, which might also account for Snuffy’s rage? This is the most thought I’ve ever given to a BG&SS, and given the meager results for the effort invested, I don’t intend to ever do it again.” –Poteet

“If you’re looking for a liquor you can discreetly pour into your afternoon coffee in order to get a mild buzz at work, cabernet sauvignon is not the way to go. The packaging is clunky and obvious, plus it’ll taste weird. Go with rum or brandy, maybe some cheap Grand Marnier knockoff, since you’ll want to save the real thing for home.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“According to our records, Mr. Wise, your HMO will only cover your wife’s caesarean if you perform the operation yourself. Now please follow me into this room where we have the DIY training video ready for you to watch.” –guillermo el chiclero

“‘Catch up, pal. No one cares,’ is a perfectly succinct recap of every Gil Thorp story.” –TheDiva

“On board for more ‘young dynamo‘-like euphemisms for ‘Zak likes to fuck.’ Hoping we get an ‘energetic,’ an ‘insatiable,’ and dare I even dream, a reference to the ‘Zak attack.’” –Dan

“While the set of ‘people who wanted to hear about Darrin and Mopey Pete‘ is, in fact, zero, the subset of those who wanted to hear about Turtle Thompson and his work ethic is, seemingly impossibly, smaller.” –Cloudbuster

“The anatomy of that rightmost chicken is messing with me. Does she have two left wings, with the rightmost one resting on her head, or does she have an enormous ass with a huge row of feathers leading up to her head? I’m not even going to get into her apparent psychic powers, I would just like to know how many asses she has.” –Enlong

“Darrin and Mopey Pete sure look happy that they managed to get the old guy to dredge up bad memories. ‘The topic clearly upsets him! Score!’” –JJ48

“When Zak says he’ll order ‘special meals,’ he means Ensure, right? Or maybe liver and onions? He doesn’t know much about the care and feeding of the elderly, but, God love him, he tries.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I hear you’re going through menopause, a perfectly natural change of life with symptoms that can range from mild to severe. Let me do more for you! I can run errands, get you special meals, take care of your adult son, hire the finest medical specialists, enroll you in clinical trials, get you a live-in private nurse, buy one of those medical beds with bars on the side, put you in a plastic bubble, date younger women to take the pressure off you — anything! I’m never too busy for you, Iris!” –BigTed

“I would look up some instances in which Pluggers has hypocritically glorified the phenomenon commonly known as ‘plumber’s butt’ but then I’d probably get arrested.” –Chyron HR

“Man I love the vicious side-eye that plugger is giving. ‘How dare that skinny boy use up that much cotton twill for his meagre buttocks! My 45″ waistline weeps for that wasted fabric!’” –pugfuggly

“‘I saw London, sonny-boy, from the bombsite of my Dornier. Saw Paris, too, when we flew over in triumph. And in the Luftwaffe we wore our pants high and tight!’ Pluggers have escaped justice and lived among us for many years.” –Voshkod

“With brilliant jokes like ‘municipal and metropolitan sound a bit similar,’ it’s not hard to see why over 300 newspapers still run Crankshaft, somehow.” –Schroduck

“Can anyone make out Chet’s CVV code? I need to do a little Christmas shopping. He owes us one.” –Old School Allie Cat

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Banana Triangle: Poor Tom and Scotty and Rosemary, lost on an island somewhere in the sea. Frightened and desperate, hungry as could be, devoured each other; problem solved — one, two, three! A webcomic updated thrice weekly.

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