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Mary Worth, 9/25/06

I know I’m no Uncle Lumpy, but, here’s “Aldo’s Blues”, with apologies to W.H. Auden:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent old bags from meddling with a weighty tome,
Silence the chinbeard and with muffled drum
Bring out the car wreck, let interveners come.

Let Dr. Jeff’s plane circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message “Aldo’s Dead.”
Put crepe bows round old “Ask Wendy’s” booty,
Fire traffic cops for dereliction of duty.

He was our North, our South, our East and West,
Our two-tone week and color Sunday rest,
Our noon, our midnight, our talk, our song;
We thought that Aldomania’d last forever: we were wrong.

The booze is not wanted now; put it all away,
Pack up the Johnny and dump out the Bombay,
Man’s inner life we know to be a mystery;
And if drinking’s involved, his outer life’s history.

How powerful was the grip of Aldomania on the land? Well, I logged on at 8:30 this morning and found not one but two Aldo Kelrast memorial videos uploaded to YouTube. The first is from faithful reader jonnya:

And the second from faithful reader the Angry Black Woman:

I urge you to use the comments thread on this post to work through your very understandable anger and pain. But don’t drink and drive off a cliff, no matter how upset you might be! And please do not use this thread to discuss Toby’s obvious camel toe, as this would be unbecoming to the dignity required in the situation.

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This is getting to be a regular thing, but once again I present to you this week’s almost-made-it contenders for the Comment of the Week.

“Judging by Spider-Man’s continued ineptness at crime-fighting in this strip, this may very well be the end of him. I mean, he’s having trouble taking down the evil butler, what’s he gonna do against his worst enemy? Die, I suspect.” –Debt On

“Clearly, Hi and Lois are just putting on a good face for baby Trixie. In reality, the fact that he didn’t get the raise means they are all going to be out on the street and the only real estate Lois will be selling is her ass.” –Gryph

On TDIET: “The incredibly weird tone of the captions doesn’t help dispel the whole ‘written by a jaunty serial killer’ vibe of the strip.” –Christopher

“I think Aldo will be a sloppy drunk. Heck, he’s a sloppy sober.” –AppleGirl

“If Aldomania doesn’t end with Aldo shrieking maniacally, a bottle of Bombay in one hand and Mary’s head in the other, backlit by the flames of the burning pyre that is Charterstone, I for one am going to be dissapointed.” –Monkey’s Paw

“Truly, in the comic pages, characters seldom suffer fatal consequences from assaults/dog attacks/cliff-falls/beekeeper potshots. While this may be a comfort for Molly aficionados, I consider it a horrible shortcoming in For Better or For Worse.” –Fred P.

“You have to smile when Aldo says (out loud), ‘This is more like it!’ Who among us hasn’t experienced that first soft glow of false confidence that comes from angry binge drinking?” –smacky

“I was wondering what the hell that roof is made of, and then it came to me … gingerbread. I’d have a inspector come look at the house. Just not a hungry one.” –mndean

“For a little fun, try reading the TDIET ‘commercial’ out loud. It’s like two boxcars of adjectives ran into each other, and this is what came out.” –Zikar

“Resist the temptation to fall for Molly. Mark Trail uses compelling animal characters to draw in unsuspecting readers. You stay because you hope that this time, finally, at long last, Mark Trail will meet his demise. Then the actually interesting animal characters are never heard from again, and Mark Trail goes on to another self-righteous adventure … There was a great cat character a couple of years ago, I have never gotten over it.” –Clyde

“Seeing Aldo plunge off of a cliff is a great way to ring in the Jewish New Year! L’shana Tova, Aldo. But soon, I fear, ‘L’chaim’ would be ironic.” –Marc

“All I can say about Mary Worth is — worst city planners ever. ‘Hey, you know what this quaint residential district needs? A big-ass gaping chasm.'” –Raznor

“In Mary Worthland, even the bumper stickers are dull and verbose. The political ones must be fascinating: ‘Considering all factors, although I continue to have certain reservations about aspects of his domestic and foreign policies, and after weighing the arguments advanced by his opponent, the junior senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I urge you to vote for President George W. Bush in his campaign for re-election in 2004. Thank you for your kind attention.'” –Von Zeppelin

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While Aldomania is in full swing, let’s not forget other important facts, such as the fact that more information about licorice can be found on the Internet. Of course, you know that and I know that, but wouldn’t you want to tell everyone else about it? You can, if you make like faithful reader and commentor 2fs:

2fs doesn’t just talk the talk: he also walks the walk, or, in this case, Googles the Google. Check out that computer screen, close up:

Remember, licorice shirts are available in green and pink.