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Beetle Bailey, 9/4/04

When Doonesbury’s B.D. lost his leg in Iraq and we saw him without his helmet on for the first time in that strip’s history, it had an enormous impact on readers. Seeing Beetle Bailey’s Sarge without his hat on is significantly less intriguing. Still, it’s interesting that the taskmaster drill sergeant, normally presented as Private Bailey’s persecutor, is here fervently praying to never see Beetle again. Maybe it’s like with bears: They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

Also interesting is the fact that God has laughed in Sarge’s face, presenting him with the exact opposite of his most profound wish, causing him to rage against the arbitrariness of the universe. Here’s a tip, Sarge: if you’re gonna talk to the Almighty, put on some damn pants.

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Mary Worth, 9/3/04

You people don’t understand how hard it’s been this week to maintain my strict adherence to the mission of this blog and not turn it into “I read this current bizarre, drug-themed storyline of Mary Worth so you don’t have to,” because Lord knows, it’s tempting. I thought the strip had reached an absolute pinnacle when evil androgynous meth fiend Tommy fantasized about his very own meth lab, but that was just a warm-up for a temper tantrum in which the young junkie rages at his dead father’s inability to love his mind-altering substances, which he refers to, inexplicably, as “stuff.”

Earlier this week, faithful reader Rebecca O. noted: “Since this Mary Worth meth lab seems to have some staying power, I must opine that the she-man can’t be the object of Wilbur’s attraction’s son. To me, their interaction points to the she-man being a friend of the lady’s son or a son of the lady’s friend. No son would ever think of his mom as ‘you always were soft.’ Children don’t make nostalgic judgments of their parents, just judgments. Plus, the interaction just reeks that pseudo-familial kinkiness, even without the leotard and pectoral breasts.” Rebecca, your logic holds water as far as it goes, but you’re working on a flawed assumption here: that Mary Worth characters interact in a way that resembles the way actual humans interact. Today’s strip ought to make it clear that Mary Worth can no more convey the actual dynamics of a family torn apart by drug addiction than it can present well-drawn facial expressions. Even with that in mind, though, I can’t argue with this comment by the author of Subdivided We Stand: “Please, please, oh Mary Worth creators, let dear sweet Mare get her first taste of crystal meth. That’s exactly what this strip needs.”

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For Better or for Worse, 9/2/04

I grew up in Buffalo, New York, not a stone’s throw from Canada, and for anyone who grew up a stone’s throw from Canada, one of the main things you know about Canada as you’re growing up is that the legal drinking age there is 19. This has interesting social ramifications. For instance, not only can 19-year-olds go into Canadian bars, but they can also go into Canadian strip clubs.

And so, just as there are enormous fireworks warehouses mere yards over the Indiana border, dozens of strip clubs line the streets of the Canadian towns just across the Niagara River from Buffalo. (These clubs were collectively known as “the Canadian ballet,” a euphemism I find terrifically amusing to this day.) One of them, Mints, kept up a constant barrage of advertisements on Buffalo radio stations, each of which ended with the club’s tagline: “Where by law … you see it all!”

Now, because I was a profoundly geeky teenager, this phrase did not fill my mind with images of gyrating, fully nude strippers; rather, I visualized the debate about the law in the Canadian Parliament. Was it part of the Government’s programme, as presented by the Governor-General in the Speech from the Throne? Or was it a Private Member’s Bill? Did some MPs argue that the discreet covering of certain body parts should be permitted in some cases? Or were the Government and Opposition united in backing nothing less than full, state-mandated nudity? However the process went, surely the result strongly argued for benefits of parliamentary democracy.

You can see why I didn’t date much in high school.

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of saying that Ellie is profoundly overreacting here in saying that April looks “like a pole dancer.” Not only is her strangely formal dress not particularly trampy by the standards of the what the kids today are wearing, but, in the northern, quasi-socialist paradise that the Pattersons call home, it would actually be illegal for a pole dancer to be so attired.

On an unrelated note: For Better or for Worse has continuing storylines and characters who age in real time, but also has daily punchlines. Is it a soap opera strip or not? Discuss.