Metapost: Friday funtime COTW
Post Content
You want this week’s top comment? You got it, buddy!
“Now let’s be fair, there are plenty of valid reasons for this lady to call Wilbur ‘pretty good.’ Maybe she just got a cochlear implant and this is literally the first time she’s ever heard singing. Maybe she’s an extraterrestrial just now encountering music. Maybe she has a head injury. Early onset dementia. The list goes on.” –Lauralot
And here’s a big pile of hilarious runners up:
“I’m less concerned with the theological implications of snowmen in heaven than I am the meteorological ones. I get that the upper atmosphere is probably cold enough to sustain a snowman’s corporeal form but does that mean the human angels are freezing under those diaphanous robes? Maybe they should be wearing celestial parkas or at least some holy longhorns. And if heaven is freezing, does that mean, for people who were always cold, it’s actually hell? Hmmm … I guess I am interested in the theology after all.” –Where’s Rocky?
“Is this months-long discussion of The Count’s mobility aid just a setup for some cheap ‘Muddy Boots’ gag? God, I hope so.” –Uncle Lumpy
“Randy is at least showing some body tension that accords with what he is yelling, but April’s body language says ‘Meh, who cares.’ I’m guessing that the actress playing April got together with the actor playing Pavel in his trailer dressing room and is now feeling very relaxed. Yes.” –Poteet
“Oh, come ON, Crock! ‘I hear the rains in Africa’ was right there!!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“I have two iPods. One barely works, but the oldest is an iPod Classic. It rules! Holds thousands of songs! ‘Celebration’ included! But it also needs headphones or earbuds, and Seymour has neither. Dammit, Seymour, you were almost a Gen X hipster, but it turns out you’re just dumb. I thought maybe we gonna celebrate and have a good time.” –made of wince
“Don’t worry, Trixie still doesn’t understand the difference between an illustration (the seed package) and the object it represents (the seeds themselves), so she’s still just a baby! A sad, neglected baby sitting in bright daylight with sparse hair and no hat. (‘Even Mommy got to wear a hat!’ she’ll realize while sitting in her expensive therapist’s office one day.)” –BigTed
“At first I understood ‘Judy: Left in Walt’s Car’ to mean that on Feb. 28, 1935, she’d had enough of the strip’s whole (waves arms in futile gesture) … whatever all this is … and hot-footed it out of town, stealing Walt’s car to add insult to injury. ‘Go, Judy, Go!’ I exulted. ‘Go and don’t look back!’ Alas, I was wrong. Gasoline Alley seems to exert a gravitational field that no one can escape, not even poor comics readers. Please excuse my bitter tears.” –Doctor Moreau
“The seeds drink the water from the Earth, then devour the sunlight. Yes, Trixie, all plant life eats sunbeams and your favorite animals eat the plants which means they eat sunbeams, which means you eat sunbeams. Keep that in mind the next time there’s a cloudy day. You made that happen, child.” –Old Man Shadow
“If the scene was one panel longer we’d see that cat’s monocle pop.” –Dyanmoe, on BlueSky
“Estelle’s vacant stare and incomprehensible invitation to Wilbur shows that Dr. Ed has found the perfect combination between outright sedation and zombie-like bliss in her ketamine dosing.” –Hibbleton
“For the sister of someone who died a sinister death while escaping from Dick Tracy in the 1940s, Croptop looks fantastic. She should stop robbing banks and start marketing her workout routine!” –matt w
“The three of us should get together sometime. Because knowing you’re thinking of me having sex with another man doesn’t do it for me anymore. I want to see your face.” –cheech wizard
“Gonna be straight up here, I really don’t care about the angry entrenched perspectives on what counts as a ‘silly name’ from people called T-Bone and Baleen.” –jroggs
“So wait, has Walt not heard a single word of dialogue since this whole story began? That’s not fair, we should all be that lucky.” –pugfuggly
“Eggs, plural?!?! That means she’s following the instructions for cake-like brownies. CAKE-LIKE! Why not just make cake? This child is evil and must be stopped!” –Old School Allie Cat
Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!
53 replies to “Metapost: Friday funtime COTW”
Yay! I’m Number zero!
Congratulations, Lauralot!
Also, I’m glad you’re zeroing in on what matters, Garrison Skunk.
WOO GOSH even!
Springboard Shadow CsOTW
I speak Jive
April 6th, 2024 at 8:29 am Reply
@Peanut Gallery: Mary Worth: Maybe another time, Wilbur. If Mary’s weirdly-jointed arm gets any longer, she’ll be able to “lend you hand” without leaving her apartment!
——————————————————
Mary’s arm is like that because of patting herself on the back.
1. Uncle Lumpy
April 9th, 2024 at 8:06 amReply
@Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: …people bring pets in strollers and papooses and leave without them, counting cash.
——————————————————
And then get lunch at the pop-up restaurant around back.
I speak Jive
April 9th, 2024 at 1:00 pm Reply
@Amateur: Mary Worth: “…Wearing her cat on her chest”
——————————————————
was the original line in Eleanor Rigby, but Paul McCartney changed it because it didn’t rhyme with “who is it for.”
Daisy
April 10th, 2024 at 10:17 amReply
@Paul1963: Gasoline Alley: “Gonna be a real slobberknocker, that one!”
——————————————————
And I’m gobsmacked!!!
Schroduck
April 11th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
@Charterstoned: Dick Tracy: What the hell does “WOO GOSH” mean? It sounds like something Wilbur Weston might say when he gets an accidental peek at a naked Mary Worth.
——————————————————
Woo Gosh is one of the Gosh family of criminals. She sells quack herbal medicines with her siblings Ohmy, Golly and Darn.
Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Where’s Rocky?
April 7th, 2024 at 7:08 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: I’m less concerned with the theological implications of snowmen in heaven than I am the meteorological ones. I get that the upper atmosphere is probably cold enough to sustain a snowman’s corporeal form but does that mean the human angels are freezing under those diaphanous robes? Maybe they should be wearing celestial parkas or at least some holy longhorns. And if heaven is freezing, does that mean, for people who were always cold, it’s actually hell? Hmmm… I guess I am interested in the theology after all.
Kevin on Earth
April 9th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
Mary Worth: Narrator: “The next day after Wilbur buys fish food…
Wilbur: “Stocked up on grub for Stellanand Willa who are named after me and…Stell!”
Narrator: “Wilbur waddles pathetically over to the woman who was out of his league….”
Wilbur: [Looks up] “Hey!”
Narrator: “Stay in your lane, bro”
bbofun
April 10th, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
Gasoline Alley:
MILLENNIAL: “Creators are so lazy these days! They keep re-using old plots!”
Me: “What if I told you GASOLINE ALLEY had a baby left on a character’s doorstep, and 14 years later, had another baby left in the same character’s car, and this was in the 1920s and 30s?”
MILLENNIAL: “What the hell is “gasoline alley?” Sut up, boomer.”
Me: *walks away, muttering* I’m not a boomer. I’m in Generation Jones! That’s what Newsweek tells me! Dang kids!”
Myrtle
April 10th, 2024 at 6:18 amReply
Hi & Lois: Lois, instead of ignoring your baby as she sits there on an anthill, staring at the sun, you could be using this as a wonderful bonding experience. Share with her the miracle of a tiny seed growing into food to nourish the body! It’s a moment she would never forget.
But your head is filled with dreams of growing (squints) radishes and carrots to use in mid-century congealed salads. Priorities, Lois!
.
.
.
Special Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Charterstoned
April 7th, 2024 at 11:21 am Reply
Mary Worth:
Betty stood before the mirrow, doing a last primping before heading back out into the swinging crowd of karaoke fans.
She was a woman “of a certain age” and she took extra care to apply her lipstick. Bright orange-red had been a good choice, she thought to herself. The lighting in the Star Lounge was on the blue side and washed out even her tan skin, but the lipstick stood out. She put her lips together and smiled, then frowned at seeing the bit of lipstick that had come off on her front tooth. Betty quickly applied a tissue to remove it, and was just re-checking her smile when she caught the reflection of the stall door opening behind her. Another woman joined her at the basin, and Betty did her best to appear nonchalant. She had seen this woman trying to catch the attention of the last singer, and she was annoyed. After all, Betty had seen him first!
“Are you enjoying the show?” the woman asked Betty, running fingers through her dark, wavy hair, fluffing her hairdo. She had big hair, pale skin, and no lipstick. Betty thought, meanly, that she looked like a corpse. A smiling corpse.
“It’s okay tonight,” Betty responded, but without much apparent enthusiasm. “I’ve heard better singers, that’s for sure. The last guy was a little off-key, I thought. Maybe tomorrow’s crowd will have more talent.” Betty hoped the other woman would take her at her word, and leave early. She continued, “I’m a regular here,” trying to establish her territory. She wanted that woman out of the way so she could find out who that last singer was. He was a little older, a little heavier, a little balding, and he wore glasses, but there was something about him that she found strangely appealing. Apparently, the other woman also found him attractive.
“Well, I thought that last guy was AWESOME!” the woman exclaimed. Betty grimaced as she watched the woman withdraw a compact and a tube of lipstick from her purse. In a matter of seconds, the corpse face was transformed by the woman’s expert application of lip color. Betty saw the color was a warm reddish brown–like drying blood, she thought. But somehow, it made the woman look younger and more alluring. Betty checked her own image again and felt cheap. But she wasn’t about to let the corpse steal a march on her man.
“Oh, gosh,” she exclaimed as she “accidentally” splashed water from the faucet onto the woman’s silk dress, creating obvious spots.
“You did that on PURPOSE!” the woman shrieked, and came at Betty with both hands. “You’re trying to keep me from meeting that GUY! I saw how you were giving him the fish eye out there!”
Betty shoved the woman back, snarling, “I saw him FIRST. I was here listening to his glorious music long before you even came in!”
The two women fell to the ceramic tile floor as they fought for the upper hand, screeching their undying love for the mysterious bespectacled singer who had captured their hearts, reeling them in like fish.
Wilbur smiled in his sleep.
But What Do I Know?
April 7th, 2024 at 1:45 pm Reply
Rhymes With Orange”
The Snow Man
One must have a mind of winter
To regard the spare and juvenile art
Of this strip drawn so poorly
And have been bored a long time
To behold the cartoon Vikings crystal balls
And the old man’s therapeutic boot
Carried in a wheelchair; and not to think
Of any misery in the sounds of Wilbur
In the sounds of karaoke
Which is the sound of a windbag
Which is full of the same wind
That is blowing in that same bare place
For the commenter, snarking all alone
And, nothing himself, comments on
Nothing that is not there, and the nothing that is.
With apologies to Wallace Stevens
Special Extra Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
jroggs
April 8th, 2024 at 5:25 am Reply
Mary Worth: …As I finished my song, I let the final notes carry the weight of my lingering apprehensions and hopes. Was it possible for someone like me to find that one person I could be with, or would I forever be all by myself? Little did I know that there was someone in the audience who held the answer to all my questions.
Stepping off the stage, I made my way to the bar, and despite the protestations of the bartender I ordered a double ginger ale shaken and served on the rocks. As the carbonated beverage sprayed wildly over the other patrons seated nearby, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned, and there stood the woman I would soon realize was my soulmate.
“Wow,” she said. “You were pretty good.”
“I know,” I replied. “My bitch ex-girlfriend’s stupid one-eyed cat wasn’t interrupting me, so I was able to really let loose up there.”
“I could tell,” the woman replied, flirtaciously flicking her bob. “I despise animals. They’re useful for drawing in potential romantic partners, but apart from that I’d just as soon drown a dog than pet it.”
I decided not to mention my fish; a lie of omission, perhaps, but seeing as Willa and Stellan lived submerged in water anyway, I decided I needn’t fear any attempts by this woman to drown them as well. “Did you come here to sing as well?”
“No, I just come to this karaoke lounge every week, hoping to meet my perfect match. A man with a porcine physique and a face to match, fading hair raked with raffish abandon over his smooth scalp, a comforting scent of barbeque food, taint sweat, and a whiff of poop, with the courage to abuse small animals and betray his loved ones, alone in the world without anyone who understands him but me. But I must ask, darling,” she said, trepidation suddenly gripping her melodious voice, “Are you currently single?”
“I am, but you should know,” I said huskily, leaning in, “That I’m also extremely obsessive with a terrible temper and I regularly stalk women. In fact, half the reason I’m here tonight was in the hopes of running into one of my exes so I could cause a big scene by singing several diss tracks at her before getting violently drunk and throwing up on myself.”
“You really are too perfect!” the woman cried, seizing my hands with her own. “What’s your name, my beloved?”
“Wilbur.”
“Wilbur,” she said, rolling my name along her moist tongue before letting it pass between her ruby lips. “My name is-”
Suddenly, with a cacophonous creak and a snap, a stage light fell from the ceiling above us, crushing and electrocuting the woman where she stood.
“Oh,” I said, disappointed.
As screams echoed through the lounge and people ran back and forth, the scent of cooked flesh piqued my hunger, and I decided to take my leave for the evening and visit the All Beef restaurant for a meaty nightcap. As I prepared to depart, I noticed a smear of dog feces on the my shoe that had gone hitherto unnoticed by me, though seemingly not by my would-be partner. With a couple quick glances to make sure no one would notice, I wiped my shoe on a section of the woman’s dress that wasn’t too bloody, and with that I walked out into the night, thwarted once more from finding true love, but with my will to seek it unbroken…
– excerpt from I Shouldn’t Be All By Myself… But I Am! by W. Weston
Bob Tice
April 12th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Mary Worth: “On second thought, I’ve got one more card-themed karaoke song for you. Can you hear me? Ahem.
“Fabiana was mine
‘Til the time that I found her
Rolled in whim
Lovin’ him
“Then Stell came along, loved me strong
That’s what I fought —
Fleein’ spew
That fried, too
Don’t know that I’m chill, but until I can find me
A girl who’ll stay and won’t lay blame behind meI’ll be what I am
A solitaire-y man
Solitaire-y man
I’ve had it to here
Bein’ where love’s a scrawled word
Part-time fling
Tapering
“I know it’s been done
Havin’ one girl who’ll love you
Trite or wrong
Creak along
“Don’t know that I’m chill, but until I can find me
A girl who’ll stay and won’t lay blame behind me
I’ll be what I am
A solitaire-y man
Solitaire-y man
[bridge]
“Don’t know that I’m chill, but until I can find me
A girl who’ll stay and won’t lay blame behind me
I’ll be what I am
Solitaire-y man
Solitaire-y man, mm mm mm
Solitaire-y man, mm mm mm
Solitaire-y man”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 1
Charterstoned
April 6th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
Mary Worth: “This SWINGING BACHELOR will be pulling in the ladies left and right tonight!”
Wilbur uses his thumb and forefinger to indicate the size of his “bait” worm.
MKay
April 6th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Coast Guard will be pulling in the ladies, after they’ve all jumped from the nearest pier to escape.
seismic-2
April 6th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Aimee Mann? But she probably doesn’t even know the tune, much less the words, to “Tarzana Nights!”
taig
April 6th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary is definitely rethinking her plans so she can see Wilbur bomb on stage. Again.
Weaselboy
April 6th, 2024 at 6:22 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: “Okay, next up at the mic is Orville Snorkel who will be singing WAP. Give him a big hand.”
Ukulele Ike
April 6th, 2024 at 6:48 am Reply
Phantom: “Bolt cutters! I’m on it, dad! (punches “Home Depot near me” into his phone)
Stacker
April 6th, 2024 at 7:45 am Reply
Mary Worth: Yeah, go to a bar where you will stand out even more drinking alone, even though you are wearing your “I fell off a boat, ask me about it” t shirt.
Old School Allie Cat
April 6th, 2024 at 8:24 am Reply
Mary Worth: The only way this redeems itself is if Wilbur is on stage Monday belting out “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Dreck imitates art imitates life.
moscowtheclown
April 6th, 2024 at 10:34 am Reply
Mary Worth and Beetle Bailey: You know if you asked me before today which comics crossover I most looked forward to, Bettle Bailey and Mary Worth would not have made the list. But I have to admit I’m kind of excited now. Their rendition of Yesterday is going to be great, but it’s Sarge’s Wrecking Ball, that’s going to be epic.
Maltmash3r
April 6th, 2024 at 10:54 am Reply
Mary Worth: Little did anyone in Santa Royale know, but Keith Hillend’s nickname in the Marines was “Sgt. Snorkel.”
Myrtle
April 6th, 2024 at 12:00 pm Reply
Rex Morgan: How will they reveal the “twist” that The Count only imagined meeting the Arizona Kid?
1 – We see a sign on the wall that reads “Absolutely no scooters on convention arena floor.”
2 – A table is offering Arizona Kid commemorative posters that show he died in 1998.
3 – A final panel shows the Arizona Kid on a cloud with Grandpa Keane.
Sequitur
April 6th, 2024 at 12:18 pm Reply
Mary Worth: Dammit. Tomorrow Wilbur sings “All By Myself”.
Bob Tice
April 7th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Now I’d like to channel a little Harry Belafonte, folks!
“‘May-o, may-o
Duke’s Light comes, and me wanna go home…”
jroggs
April 7th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Dick Tracy: Nothing says badass apex predator street thug like introducing yourself with a polite “Pardon me.” Then again, Croptop here seems to be putting together a gang of nice guys, including Clean Cut Dave and Good Behavior Broadside. It’s only a matter of time before these courteous curs are terrorizing the city with their unique brand of ultrakindness.
pugfuggly
April 7th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
Hägar the Horrible: “Wait, why is the crystal all pink? OH GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY CASTLE??”
Hibbleton
April 7th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Whoa, back up. I want to hear more about this hotdog.
taig
April 7th, 2024 at 4:51 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: “All snowpeople go to Heaven” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
Lauralot
April 7th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Mary Worth: What’s Wilbur going to sing next, “Let Me Hit It”? “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”? “Dancing in Circles”? “Put Me Out of My Misery”? “Just Shoot Me”?
astroboy
April 7th, 2024 at 9:48 am Reply
Mary Worth: I thought we were going Gilbert O’Sullivan but Wilbur threw an Eric Carmen curveball.
Artist formerly known as Ben
April 7th, 2024 at 3:38 pm Reply
Dick Tracy: No doubt there are a lot of things that could be said about Lesbimullet McLeatherboobs here, but right now I just want to bless her for signaling what I hope is an end to the Little Orphan Annie crossover.
Hibbleton
April 8th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Mary Worth: On a positive note, it’ll be pretty easy for the staff to know who to cut off.
“He’s (hic) pretty good.”
richardf8
April 8th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Blondie: Who is the real Dr. Levine, and what sins did he commit to merit a cameo in Blondie?
jroggs
April 8th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
Luann: …You know, maybe we were too hard on the Mirakle Method story.
Lauralot
April 8th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
Mary Worth: Now let’s be fair, there are plenty of valid reasons for this lady to call Wilbur “pretty good.” Maybe she just got a cochlear implant and this is literally the first time she’s ever heard singing. Maybe she’s an extraterrestrial just now encountering music. Maybe she has a head injury. Early onset dementia. The list goes on.
Ken
April 8th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
Mary Worth: Signs are that the next story arc will be Wilbur being “discovered” by a recording studio and starting a song career. I can’t decide whether to stock up on popcorn or barf bags.
Hibbleton
April 8th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: (Gushing audience member): “He’s so good! If you close your eyes, you’d swear it was Ethel Merman herself!”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 2
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
April 8th, 2024 at 5:41 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’ll accept this if drunken gushing Wilbur fan turns out to be Reference Lady from Funky Winkerbean.
nescio
April 8th, 2024 at 5:53 amReply
Mary Worth: Well, at least Eric Carmen died before he could see this.
cheech wizard
April 8th, 2024 at 5:58 amReply
Mary Worth: These kids today and their crazy slang. I never knew that “good” was a synonym for “fat.”
cheech wizard
April 8th, 2024 at 6:01 amReply
Mary Worth: And given the day, shouldn’t Wilbur be singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Because he could blot out the sun, y’know.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 8th, 2024 at 6:40 amReply
Dick Tracy: Dusty Mauve walls with zebra print decorations? Purple eyeshadow and an armband? It’s no wonder Croptop turned to a life of crime: it’s 1983 and her modeling career never landed her the Nick Georgiu poster she always dreamed of.
TheDiva
April 8th, 2024 at 6:54 amReply
Dick Tracy: Honestly, Croptop should just find out where Rikki Mortis and Fata Morgana have gone off to. Her butch energy is just what their budding lesbian crime ring needs.
Bob Tice
April 8th, 2024 at 7:54 amReply
Mary Worth: “Wow…he’s pretty good! I’m glad I’m in here watching him, instead of being outside watching a once-in-a-lifetime total solar eclipse!”
Dennis Jimenez
April 8th, 2024 at 8:03 amReply
Dick Tracy: They call me Silicone Top…
astroboy
April 8th, 2024 at 8:05 pm Reply
Dick Tracy: I’m looking forward to the introduction of more members of the Top crime family. Mop Top, who keeps a machine gun in his Hohner bass case; Rocky Top, the bluegrass-singin’ bank robber; Tip Top, who…uh…tips things…
MKay
April 9th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
Mary Worth: How to lose a guy in 60 seconds: let him discover that Wilbur is your ex. He’ll doubt everything he thought he knew.
Charterstoned
April 9th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
Mary Worth: Dr. Ed fixes Wilbur with a smile and a steely gaze. “I’ll see your pair of goldfish, Wilbur, and raise you a one-eyed cat in a carrier, a cat and a dog in a stroller, and a snake in my pants.”
jroggs
April 9th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Oh no! Sarge’s jeep is… it’s, um… a little wrinkly? Like, someone accidentally got this all-weather military vehicle wet and left it lying out in the sun, so it dried all wrong and gross, like a stack of papers or a t-shirt? Well, whatever happened, this vehicle is obsolete by several decades, so it’s probably just as well.
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
April 9th, 2024 at 5:04 am Reply
Mary Worth: Any “store” that writes a name on a cardboard sign and hangs it on a piece of string in the door, as “PETS R US” has, is not really a store at all. There’s some kind of scam going on here: people bring pets in strollers and papooses and leave without them, counting cash.
nescio
April 9th, 2024 at 5:46 am Reply
Crock: Given the artwork, I’d like to think that guy’s full name is Seymour Ass, but that’s way too intellectual for Crock.
Ettorre
April 9th, 2024 at 6:13 am Reply
Today’s “Family Circus” confuses and irritates me because I know nothing about baseball. Today’s “Crock” confuses and irritates me because it’s “Crock”
Amateur
April 9th, 2024 at 11:33 am Reply
Only in Mary Worth would a guy reminding himself who he named his fish after run into his ex wearing her cat on her chest.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 9th, 2024 at 3:43 pm Reply
It occurs to me, very belatedly, that none of these comics involve a seal, at all.
MKay
April 10th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Hi & Lois: Time is a tricky concept when you’re old enough for Medicare, but you’re still a baby. In fact, it’s downright Sci-Fi.
BigTed
April 10th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
Pluggers: This plugger may be gorging on Girl Scout Cookies, but from the look on his face, he already ate the Girl Scout.
jroggs
April 10th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “The Arizona Kid’s advice… was valuable? Advice… valuable… advice… valuable… hey, Tildy? Call the Home Shopping Network and reserve us a 30-minute time block. I’ve got an idea for a self-help method that will take the country by storm. All we need now is a name. Hmm. The Arizona Angle? The Divine Direktive? Get It Made with Dexter Slade? The Kid’s Kurative Kourse? No wait, I’ve got it – Batubs!”
BeckoningChasm
April 10th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Mary Worth: No one can say “It’s good to see you, Wilbur” unless he’s on fire or being attacked by wolves. It just doesn’t happen.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 10th, 2024 at 4:56 am Reply
Hi & Lois: I would encourage everyone reading today’s Hi and Lois to take a moment to nurture your inner child. Release your accumulated hurts, disappointments and traumas and breathe in the wonder of discovery, the miracle of beginning to grasp the beginnings of life, the wide openness of life. Or, you know, [gestures vaguely] this.
Lauralot
April 10th, 2024 at 5:27 am Reply
Mary Worth: You can’t really see the arms on the passerby, but rest assured they are elbowing each other. Can you imagine how hard you would elbow your companion if you saw two pets being pushed in a baby carriage with another next to them in a Baby Bjorn? You’d elbow the ever-loving hell out of them. Their torso would be one massive bruise.
Philip
April 10th, 2024 at 5:27 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: Josh should ready his outfit choice for when he ends up one of the talking heads in the Ken Burns’ documentary about the Gasoline Alley vs. Electric Acres civil war.
But What Do I Know?
April 10th, 2024 at 5:40 am Reply
Gasoline Alley/Electric Acres: Actually, I think it’s going to be more of a civil kerfuffle. . .
Liam
April 10th, 2024 at 5:55 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: Corky came up with ‘Electric Acres Burger’ after watching a cow getting electrocuted.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 3
2+2=7
April 10th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Tilly then tries to hock the Arizona Kid’s “advice” on EBay (“This sage piece of wisdom is in near-mint condition and sealed in a mylar pouch….”)
Needless Exposition
April 10th, 2024 at 8:34 am Reply
Mary Worth: Libby knew it was worth wearing the sling when she was able to get a bird’s eye view of Wilbur realizing that he’s a lonely and pathetic loser.
Schroduck
April 11th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Mary Worth: Estelle has to keep her pets strapped to her body at all times. It’s the only way to stop Dr. Ed accidentally euthanizing them.
Hibbleton
April 11th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
Family Circus: Bil begins to regret bringing Jeffy along to cover the shallow grave. “How am I going to explain ‘headstone’ to this simpleton.”
matt w
April 11th, 2024 at 5:00 am Reply
Dick Tracy: For the child of someone who died a sinister death while escaping from Dick Tracy in the 1940s, Croptop looks fantastic. She should stop robbing banks and start marketing her workout routine!
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
April 11th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur has really dodged a bullet with Estelle. If you pull the camera back you’ll find tha along with the pram and cat papoose, she’s wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 11th, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
Mary Worth: Excellent posture? Eyes slightly unfocused and aimed above Wilbur’s combover? Robotic voice mimicking interest? 10/10 avoidance Stell, keep it up until Dawn comes home to avoid eye contact for you.
cheech wizard
April 11th, 2024 at 5:25 am Reply
Mary Worth: “The three of us should get together sometime. Because knowing you’re thinking of me having sex with another man doesn’t do it for me anymore. I want to see your face.”
Tabby Lavalamp
April 11th, 2024 at 5:42 am Reply
Mary Worth: I have never seen three pets with more of a “woo gosh, this guy again” look on their faces. It almost distracts you from noticing that Estelle has turned into the kind of pet lady that people will cross the street to avoid.
The Ghost of Jarrod
April 11th, 2024 at 6:06 am Reply
Mary Worth: Could this end with Estelle, the vet, and Wilbur in a throuple? No, it couldn’t. Is it fun to imagine it could? No. No. No, God no.
Uncle Lumpy
April 11th, 2024 at 6:15 am Reply
Mary Worth: Libby is just four suction cups away from a boatload of licensing revenue.
Old Man Shadow
April 11th, 2024 at 6:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: It’s a nice touch that all of the pets have suspicious or terrified looks on their faces. They know how this will end: with Wilbur googling “How to taxidermy your ex-girlfriend and her pets who you “accidentally” killed.”
Weaselboy
April 11th, 2024 at 8:06 am Reply
Mary Worth: Pierre, blink twice if you want to escape.
JamesBont
April 11th, 2024 at 9:19 am Reply
Luann: I never thought I’d say this, but…I’d rather watch Luann’s puppet show.
Liam
April 12th, 2024 at 4:29 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Rex needs to have his sons tested. No way they can be that big and that dumb.
Pozzo
April 12th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “I’ll crack the eggs, but you can stir the mix, okay?”
Coming from an adult, this would be the ambiguous sexual come-on of the year.
taig
April 12th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Rex Morgan: The real tension comes from wondering if they’re going to leave the eggs out of the fridge.
jroggs
April 12th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Jesus Christ, just why? Can’t we at least skip ahead to the part where all these 50-year-old children slip on the floor and end up having to wear uncomfortable medical boots?
BigTed
April 12th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: Yikes, this 10-minute encounter with his ex has actually caused Wilbur to become balder. Which I’ll admit is pretty darn satisfying, but also kind of sad.
pugfuggly
April 12th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
Rex Morgan: I remember years ago hearing about a Scandinavian trend of ‘slow TV’ where they would just show a woman knitting for like 4 hours straight. I thunk the key to it working was having no dialogue at all. Take note, Rex Morgan…
Little Guy
April 12th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
Stripey and Son: Kit’s looking forward to castrating the Bad Guys a little too much.
Little Guy
April 12th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Luann: That’s okay, Bets. Just replace her lube with crazy glue. Dorm Justice.
MKay
April 12th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Eagerly awaiting the impending eggshell injury.
ectojazzmage
April 12th, 2024 at 6:58 am Reply
Rex Morgan: With any hope this is actually the start of a horror story about the mutant freak Sarah poisoning her parents with brownies filled with rat poison as retaliation for their lobotomizing her to stifle her unnatural intelligence. “Magento was right” young Sarah says as she watches Rex choke on his own blood.
Old School Allie Cat
April 12th, 2024 at 6:58 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Eggs, plural?!?! That means she’s following the instructions for cake-like brownies. CAKE-LIKE! Why not just make cake? This child is evil and must be stopped!
Dennis Jimenez
April 12th, 2024 at 7:30 am Reply
Mark Trail: Huh – photographed with a hidden agenda – most people would have used a camera…
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
————
jroggs
April 6th, 2024 at 5:04 am Reply
Family Circus: For obvious practical reasons, private maritime facilities are a popular place for hosting human trafficking auctions. Still, Thel shouldn’t be bragging too hard. Getting only a toy boat for three white children is a pretty weak trade.
Weaselboy
April 6th, 2024 at 6:42 am Reply
Rex Morgan: I feel like I’m watching a celebrity Medicare Coverage Helpline commercial while I wait for “The Price Is Right” to come back on.
Sunday
———-
Dennis Jimenez
April 7th, 2024 at 6:29 am Reply
Hägar the Horrible: Relying on sorcerers! A Sunday abomination!! Less sinfulness and more rape and pillage, please. This is a family newspaper…
Ettorre
April 7th, 2024 at 7:14 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: Well, according to Saint Augustine, Adam’s original sin is passed through the act of copulation and the soul goes from father to child in a physical-like manner. Which means that Frosty was born when someone fucked a pile of snow.
Monday
———–
Ukranazi Stepan
April 8th, 2024 at 7:02 amReply
Wary Morth: “Wow…. he’s pretty good. At making a fool of himself.”
Old Man Shadow
April 8th, 2024 at 7:13 amReply
Mary Worth: Seeing this woman feel anything but disdain for Wilbur is like watching a horror movie where someone approaches the run down Gothic mansion where 99 people were murdered 200 years ago this very night and you’re screaming “Don’t go in there!” at the screen and the character goes in anyway except approaching Wilbur is an even dumber idea.
Tuesday
———–
jnoble
April 9th, 2024 at 5:08 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’m pretty certain most cats would not be OK being toted around like that and would be trashing around trying to escape. Similar to how most women react after being around Wilbur longer than 15 minutes.
TheDiva
April 9th, 2024 at 7:03 am Reply
Luann: Yeah, the name “Batubs” just screams “these are people who understand how branding works.”
Wednesday
—————
taig
Luann: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na! Bat-u-u-u-u-u-bs!
Tabby Lavalamp
April 10th, 2024 at 5:35 am Reply
Hi & Lois: Goddammit, no! Do not have weird looking comic strip babies look directly at me! I had a good night’s sleep last night, but I guess I can write off the rest of the month now. That said, it’s nice to see Trixie interacting with other members of the family and not being left by herself in a room, going blind by staring directly at the sun for hours on end.
Thursday
————
Charterstoned
April 11th, 2024 at 4:31 am Reply
Dick Tracy: What the hell does “WOO GOSH” mean? It sounds like something Wilbur Weston might say when he gets an accidental peek at a naked Mary Worth.
Ukulele Ike
April 11th, 2024 at 7:31 am Reply
Dick Tracy: “Woo gosh!” dates back to Blowtop’s first appearance in 1950, when it was not permissible to say “Jesus fuckin’ Christ on a pogo stick!” in the funny papers.
Friday
——–
Bob Tice
April 12th, 2024 at 4:27 am Reply
Rex Morgan: You just know that Michael and Johnny are going to be the Beavis and Butthead of the Alpha Generation.
Hibbleton
April 12th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur wanders off whistling “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” An old lady approaches. “Do you need help finding your way back to the group home, young man?”
.
.
.
Shadow COTW
——————
MKay
April 8th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: I don’t care if a choir of angels descends to the stage to sing back-up; it should still be plain to anyone that IT’S WILBUR.
@taig:
Thanks!
Yaaay, I’m on the list for the first time in many months! Thanks, Josh! Woo hoo! Non-modified rapture!
Up top, and next to Poteet! A little bourbon and today will be perfect!
Thanks, Baja.
Congratulations on the SCotW, MKay!
Thanks for the mentions, Baja.
Thanks, Baja!
@taig: Thank you!
@16 MKay: I still chuckle at the angels backing up Wilbur’s caterwauling. Imagining the looks on their faces, definitely not angelic.
Congrats to Lauralot, and everyone on the various floats! Broon Croons to Doctor Moreau and Old Man Shadow!
Way to go, Lauralot. Congratulations to the Floaters and Shadowers and thanks, Baja. Here are the Scroters:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
April 6th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
MW: “This SWINGING BACHELOR will be pulling in the ladies left and right tonight!”
Bob Tice
April 6th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
MW:
“Have a good time, my friend… and remember the wise, adapted words of Animal House’s Dean Wormer: ‘Fat, bald and stupid is no way to go through life, son!’ “
MKay
April 6th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
MW: The Coast Guard will be pulling in the ladies, after they’ve all jumped from the nearest pier to escape.
Charterstoned
April 6th, 2024 at 4:54 am Reply
MW: Not that Wilbur isn’t creepy 100% of the time, but there is something particularly disturbing about him being let loose on an unsuspecting population of Santa Royale’s women-as-fish. So he’s into THAT, is he? For one thing, I have a hard time believing that Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! signed off on this gross misrepresentation. For another, Sid, please check on the welfare of Willa and Stellan!
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
April 6th, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
@Charterstoned: re MW: Just relax, CS! Of course I’m not greenlighting any “women-as-Fish” caricatures appearing at Wilbur’s singalong! Not even in Wilbur’s dreams! We don’t run *that* type of agency!
And rest your pretty little head about Willa and Stellan – they are safely back in our luxurious Aquarium Complex. Their one-day performance was carefully monitored, and we didn’t feel it was prudent to leave them at Wilbur’s crib afterwards, even with Ol’ Rex doin’ security detail. Wilbur keeps yapping about how he has his whole swingin’-bachelor-apartment to himself, so he’s obviously planning for hanky-panky there! And *none* of our clients, or anybody for that matter, needs to be exposed to THAT!
Deacon Blues
April 6th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
MW: Mary looks “delighted” because Wilbur is leaving. She’s not even hearing his tired rap, she’s all “yeah, yeah,. yeah, whatever. Have a good time, my friend! Now get t’ell out.”
Lauralot
April 6th, 2024 at 5:22 am Reply
MW: Wilbur will be pulling something tonight, sure, but it won’t be the ladies.
Liam
April 6th, 2024 at 6:03 am Reply
MW-The only pulling tonight will be of Wilbur’s left and right.
taig
April 6th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
MW: “Maybe even with a group of friends” has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in this strip in a long time.
MW: Mary is definitely rethinking her plans so she can see Wilbur bomb on stage. Again.
BB: “Louie Louie” is pretty raunchy, right?
pugfuggly
April 6th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
BB: Leaving aside the ‘raunchy’, I’m curious as to what qualifies as a ‘military song’. What I’m picturing is Sarge singing along to John Phillip Sousa tunes — no lyrics, just la-la-la or maybe trumpet noises.
jroggs
April 6th, 2024 at 5:04 am Reply
MW: I too am tired of this constant rehashing of “Wilbur is an oblivious unlikable loser who likes singing publicly.” That said, I will accept this plot one last time if it involves Wilbur performing a duet with Sgt. Snorkel.
Pozzo
April 6th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
I’m envisioning Sarge and Wilbur bonding over a karaoke duet of “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”
Pat O’Neill
April 6th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
This leads me to wonder if Beetle Bailey, Mary Worth and Gil Thorp all exist in the same universe and they are all going to be at the same karaoke bar?
seismic-2
April 6th, 2024 at 6:21 am Reply
@33 Pat O’Neill: If that three-way cross-over leads to Wilbur’s making a total ass of himself at the club, resulting in a melee in which Sarge and Coach Kaz team up to pound Wilbur into a bloody pulp, then bring it!
Professor Well Actually
April 6th, 2024 at 7:04 am Reply
BB: my expectation is that Sarge will pull a Gomer Pyle with a spectacular rendition of The Impossible Dream.
ectojazzmage
April 6th, 2024 at 6:18 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: This is a newspaper comic, which would rather gnaw it’s own arm off than acknowledge human sexuality in any in-depth way, so I imagine that Sarge’s idea of “raunchy” songs are just the ones about food.
Mary Worth: I’m gonna go ahead and take a stab here and say Wilbur’s solo karaoke adventure is gonna end in him getting a new love interest, one that he’ll inevitably treat in the creepiest, most horrific way possible while the comic insists it’s nothing more than his endearing quirks in action. The only question is whether said love interest is going to be sticking around for the long-haul or if she’ll only make it to the end of this arc before Wilbur’s insanity drives her away.
Gil Thorp: Wait, is that actually supposed to be Aimee Mann? For real? What’s with this comic and getting celebrity guest stars? HOW does it get these guest stars? Do they pretend to be working for the Sesame Street crew to trick these random celebrities into signing off their likeness for the strip?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
taig
April 6th, 2024 at 4:54 am Reply
Luann: Tiffany is getting all turned on by Bets’s new business plan, evidenced by her screaming, “Do ME!”
jroggs
April 6th, 2024 at 5:04 am Reply
FC: For obvious practical reasons, private maritime facilities are a popular place for hosting human trafficking auctions. Still, Thel shouldn’t be bragging too hard. Getting only a toy boat for three white children is a pretty weak trade.
Weaselboy
April 6th, 2024 at 6:42 am Reply
RMMD – I feel like I’m watching a celebrity Medicare Coverage Helpline commercial while I wait for The Price Is Right to come back on.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
jroggs
April 7th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Luann: Now I know how boxing fans felt when Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson. We all thought for sure that the first comics character to sit at a table and eat an entire bowl of mayonnaise would have to be Wilbur Weston. Instead, coming out of nowhere for the crown is Leslie Knox, a contender so low-ranked that the bookies didn’t even take bets on him.
Calvin’s Cardboard Box
April 7th, 2024 at 6:43 am Reply
LUANN – That isn’t mayonnaise. That’s the same substance B-Wad had on his face that time they caught Luann “taking a wee” in the bushes.
taig
April 7th, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
FC: Billy, age 60-whatever, says that about his coke lines these days.
TheDiva
April 7th, 2024 at 8:20 am Reply
MW: For those of you who think Wilbur is just a drunken buffoon, the joke’s on you. He doesn’t need alcohol to be a self-pitying loser!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BeckoningChasm
April 8th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
Blondie: Some real life doctor gets a shout-out. Pity he doesn’t get a punchline, unless he means “You’re going to die very soon, Dagwood.”
richardf8
April 8th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Blondie-Who is the real Dr. Levine, and what sins did he commit to merit a cameo in Blondie?
Hibbleton
April 8th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
RMMD: As Tildy loads her shopping bag full of cash into their Lexus, blond guy wheels Andrzej into the back of a police van.
“Now, Count. Let’s talk about all that unreported income you’ve been hiding.”
MW: On a positive note, it’ll be pretty easy for the staff to know who to cut off.
“He’s (hic) pretty good.”
Needless Exposition
April 8th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
MW: I think this woman had too much “ginger ale”
Lauralot
April 8th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: Now let’s be fair, there are plenty of valid reasons for this lady to call Wilbur “pretty good.” Maybe she just got a cochlear implant and this is literally the first time she’s ever heard singing. Maybe she’s an extraterrestrial just now encountering music. Maybe she has a head injury. Early onset dementia. The list goes on.
Ken
April 8th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: Signs are that the next story arc will be Wilbur being “discovered” by a recording studio and starting a song career. I can’t decide whether to stock up on popcorn or barf bags.
MKay
April 8th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
MW: I don’t care if a choir of angels descends to the stage to sing back-up; it should still be plain to anyone that IT’S WILBUR.
pugfuggly
April 8th, 2024 at 5:12 am Reply
MW: So instead of seeing Dawn awkwardly reconnect with her estranged mother, we’re going to do what, watch Wilbur try out for their in-universe version of American Idol ? Actually, yes, can we please do that? It would be awesome!
Tabby Lavalamp
April 8th, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
For a 100% visual medium, the creative team behind the Mary Worth comic keeps trying to convince us that Wilbur is so good at singing that women are willing to overlook literally everything else about the guy to have sex with him. I’m sorry, but nobody is that good of a singer. It’s not even about his looks. A good personality can overcome most physical flaws, but five minutes into a conversation with him and everyone should be excusing themselves to the bathroom and crawling out a window, never to be seen again.
jnoble
April 8th, 2024 at 5:49 am Reply
@Tabby Lavalamp:
His fat-accentuating polo shirts (which seems to be the choice of unfashionable shlubs everywhere I’ve noticed) aren’t helping either.
cheech wizard
April 8th, 2024 at 6:01 am Reply
MW – And given the day, shouldn’t Wilbur be singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Because he could blot out the sun, y’know.
TheDiva
April 8th, 2024 at 6:54 am Reply
MW: Remember Susan Boyle? She was the Britain’s Got Talent contestant whose entire shtick was being a pretty decent singer in spite of her decidedly unglamorous middle-aged hausfrau appearance.Mary Worth would have us believe Wilbur is her male American equivalent, only the approbation is coming from an audience who is used to drunken renditions of “Sweet Caroline” and “Don’t Stop Believin’” so I have doubts about their standards.
Weaselboy
April 8th, 2024 at 6:15 am Reply
MW – Man, talk about a coincidence. I was at the Bruce Springsteen show in Los Angeles Thursday night and during “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out,” I thought “wow…he’s pretty good.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Dennis Jimenez
April 8th, 2024 at 8:03 am Reply
DT – They call me Silicone Top….
Peter NorthSequiturApril 8th, 2024 at 8:27 am Reply
Bacön: Just in case you were wondering…
Old School Allie Cat
April 8th, 2024 at 8:31 am Reply
Luann – I’m not proud of this, but here in The South ™, there are these consultants who will, for a fee, help your precious angel daughter get into one of the “good” sororities at the giant state school she is attending. They do a number of things to ensure this, including sourcing letters of recommendation, assisting with the application process (which includes a short video submission at a lot of larger schools), scrubbing the social media profiles of questionable content/images, conversation practice, and wardrobe selection.
Let it be known that I did not hire such a service. In fact, during the first round of parties, my anxiety was such that I reapplied my lipstick too often – and that, combined with small cups of ice water at each house gave me a severe case of “clown mouth”. I further shot myself in the foot with several misguided attempt to find people we knew in common – well, I was kind of a trainwreck. I got cut from over half the houses after that round, but still had the ovarian fortitude to tell my concerned Rush Counselor “This is great – I don’t have to go back to any of the houses I didn’t like!” Like, you know…hers.
My point is – college is the exact time to help mold you into who you are by making your own way – life coaches be damned. I got into my favorite sorority. Were we the most popular? No – but we weren’t the “fat girls house” and that’s all that mattered.
Baja Gaijin
April 8th, 2024 at 8:38 am Reply
@87 Old School Allie Cat: “Were we the most popular? No – but we weren’t the ‘fat girls house’ and that’s all that mattered.” The ending sentences to the Very Special Episode on Self Esteem of The Facts of Life.
Old School Allie Cat
April 8th, 2024 at 8:48 am Reply
@Baja Gaijin:
Hahah! I have often said I’m a Natalie in a world full of Blairs. But lets remember that Natalie was the first one to have s-e-x.
Guy Nerdlinger
April 8th, 2024 at 8:59 am Reply
@Old School Allie Cat: Interesting!
At UC Berkeley, the sororities and fraternities are in a cluster south of the campus. Sprinkled between them are a few houses of the Student Co-op, a decidedly non-Greek institution. One of the co-op houses is Sherman, an all-women’s house. It faces a sorority I do not recall, let’s say DeltaDeltaDelta. One year during Rush Week, Sherman residents hung a banner that said, “Don’t Worry, Ladies! Anyone Can get Into DeltaDeltaDelta!” The sorority was not amused.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I speak Jive
April 8th, 2024 at 8:59 am Reply
FC – I remember solar eclipses in 1963 and 1970, and I know there were others. Jef Keane couldn’t dig out an eclipse related comic for today? He could probably run it with no updating.
I imagine that holier than thou Grandma would be saying that the eclipse is God telling that harlot that she better shape up, while Jeffy stares blankly at the sun.
MKay
April 9th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: How to lose a guy in 60 seconds: let him discover that Wilbur is your ex. He’ll doubt everything he thought he knew.
Charterstoned
April 9th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
MW: Dr. Ed fixes Wilbur with a smile and a steely gaze. “I’ll see your pair of goldfish, Wilbur, and raise you a one-eyed cat in a carrier, a cat and a dog in a stroller, and a snake in my pants.”
jroggs
April 9th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
MW: Veteran professional writer Karen Moy knows it’s bad form to write “As you know…” expository dialogue. That’s why her characters instead use “As I know…” inner monologues.
Lauralot
April 9th, 2024 at 6:11 am Reply
Yesterday I speculated that the woman praising Wilbur’s performance may have early onset dementia. Today, Moy reveals that it’s Wilbur who has dementia, needing to constantly remind himself of the name of his pets and acquaintances lest he lose that knowledge forever. Soon he’ll be tattooing his name and address onto himself along with his favorite sandwiches recipes, like the worst and lowest budgeted version of Memento.
Daisy
April 9th, 2024 at 8:16 am Reply
MW: I love Libby in the baby papoose! I’m chuckling as it reminds me of Rob Wilco from “Get Fuzzy” carrying Bucky Katt in a “Bundle O’ Joy” papoose. :-)
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
April 9th, 2024 at 10:20 am Reply
MW: I just wanna reassure everyone that we have a crew member just out of sight below the panel who’s controlling the stroller, since Dr. Ed is obviously in no condition to be driving. Yeah, when he showed up like that this morning…. hooboy!… the litter box hit the fan! But there was no double available and the show had to go on! I hear Dr. Ed’s agent is *livid* and is workin’ on gettin’ him in rehab….
taig
April 9th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Frazz: If he can’t be arsed to watch the championship game because his bracket busted early, it means he’s not much of a basketball fan.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ettorre
April 9th, 2024 at 7:28 am Reply
Today’s “Family Circus” is not very funny. But if you remember that nowadays “Family Circus” is written by Adult Jeffy, you can imagine he is so petty and sour about his childhood that he would drag his sister in front of millions of reader for an innocent mistake she made more than fifty years ago. That’s actually pretty funny!
BigTed
April 9th, 2024 at 7:59 am Reply
Family Circus: “They hafta play two games in a row, because when the batter stands real close to the catcher like that, he’s likely to whack him with the bat and put him out of play. And if it happens twice, they call it a “double-hitter-in-the-head-er!”
Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
April 9th, 2024 at 10:00 am Reply
Proof that this Family Circus comic is from at least 40 years ago: baseball teams haven’t had scheduled doubleheaders in years, and that batter’s sweet Mike Schmidt/Wade Boggs/Keith Hernandez mustache.
I speak Jive
April 9th, 2024 at 9:04 am Reply
Rex Morgan – Let’s hear more about the boot. Some readers might not be aware that people who sprain their ankle have to wear a boot as a treatment. And – stop the presses! – it doesn’t look like a regular boot!
Ye gods, this story should be sold as a sleep aid. Two old, ugly, boring people, a boring injury, and endless repetition about the boring treatment.
I was wondering if they’re going to eat at Jordan Like the Country’s restaurant, but I’m not sure. The food there isn’t boring enough.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
April 10th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
Mary Worth: Sure, Stella and her boyfriend look ridiculous toting all those animals around town, but even the passersby realize that somehow Wilbur is the one being humiliated in this situation. They’re laughing at you, Wilbur! I mean, we’re all laughing at you, but some of us are polite enough only to express it verbally.
BeckoningChasm
April 10th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Mary Worth: No one can say “It’s good to see you, Wilbur” unless he’s on fire or being attacked by wolves. It just doesn’t happen.
Kevin on Earth
April 10th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
MW: Stella: “You remember my boyfriend Ed Harding”
Poor Wilbur…shot down while taxiing out of the hangar.
Bob Tice
April 10th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
MW:
“You know my boyfriend, Ed Harding, don’t you?”
“Oh, yes. And I have to say, Mr. Harding — not to be impolite or anything — you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, what with your involvement in the Teapot Dome scandal!”
“Um, Wilbur, that was Warren Harding, not Ed Harding!”
jroggs
April 11th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
CS: Yep, it’s crap. [10 seconds earlier…] I wonder if Crankshaft will be obnoxious and unfunny again today.
Hibbleton
April 11th, 2024 at 6:33 am Reply
DtM: “Hanging around your house without adult supervision is an even bigger selling point. Hey, let’s go play with some of the power tools in your dad’s shop.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
April 11th, 2024 at 4:31 am Reply
DT: What the hell does “WOO GOSH” mean? It sounds like something Wilbur Weston might say when he gets an accidental peek at a naked Mary Worth.
Chance
April 11th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
I for one am pretty tired of the whole “Wilbur is a shlub” narrative. We know he’s a mayonnaise-eating waste of space who shouldn’t be alive but yet remains so. What the people crave, I would venture to claim, is seeing Wilbur get some richly-deserved comeuppance for his many crimes against song, statistics, and women. But all we get are narrative feints, teasing us that he may have drowned, drunk and alone, due to his own melodramatic self-pity and hubris. Woo gosh!
Hibbleton
April 11th, 2024 at 4:50 am Reply
MW: When they finally get together, curious Wilbur sticks his head in Dr. Ed’s experimental pet guillotine. “What’s this button do?”
Uncle Lumpy
April 11th, 2024 at 6:15 am Reply
Libby is just four suction cups away from a boatload of licensing revenue.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Little Guy
April 12th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Luann: That’s okay, Bets. Just replace her lube with crazy glue. Dorm Justice.
Lauralot
April 12th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
MW: Granted I will always side with Estelle over Wilbur, even if her defining trait is that she’ll lose all her brain cells as the plot demands. I’ll side with anyone over Wilbur. But still, imagine that you run into your ex. She is wearing what looks like a lifeless cat around her chest, and her equally lifeless boyfriend is pushing a cat and a dog in a vintage pram. Despite having previously threatened you with a restraining order if you interacted with her again, she is now acting like it’s great to see you. Possibly because, judging from their eyes, she and her partner have been dipping into his pharmaceuticals. How in the world do you walk away from this encounter feeling like you’re the loser?
Trust Wilbur to always snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Next he’ll go to the pharmacy and run into Zak and Iris.
MKay
April 12th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
MW: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I had to promise not to have a Karaoke battle with an ex…
H&L: Be careful what you wish for, Hi. If Chip does by the trash can what he does in the shower, he’ll be arrested.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
richardf8
April 12th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
RMMD – So, those eggs are not going to make it back into the fridge?!?! Heart pounding stuff!
Anonymous
April 12th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
Rex Morgan M.D : THRILL at the new exciting storyline “a bunch of kids forget to preheat the oven”!
Schroduck
April 12th, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Once upon a time, I’d have guessed this Rex Morgan MD storyline would end with the kids learning about salmonella from undercooked eggs. Now I’m pretty sure it’s going to end with them learning about roots country. I can just see Mud Mountain now: “Kids, I need to pretend to shit myself on stage again. You wouldn’t happen to have any convincing-looking brown goo I can pour down my pants, would you?”
Philip
April 12th, 2024 at 5:42 am Reply
Rex Morgan, MD – It would qualify as medical drama if the kids are making a batch of pot brownies, and need to be admitted to the ER after getting too high because kids are dumb and don’t know their limits.
In fact, it’d be even funnier if it was the Keene kids as teens doing this.
taig
April 12th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
FC: “Because your whore mother sets no boundaries for you. I mean, I just want the place to look nice for you darling children.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Old Man Shadow
April 8th, 2024 at 7:13 am Reply
Seeing this woman feel anything but disdain for Wilbur is like watching a horror movie where someone approaches the run down Gothic mansion where 99 people were murdered 200 years ago this very night and you’re screaming “Don’t go in there!” at the screen and the character goes in anyway except approaching Wilbur is an even dumber idea.
69. Ukulele Ike
April 10th, 2024 at 7:03 am Reply
Dustin: I want to know where the guitar came from. I figure mean employment lady got Dustin a temporary McJob in a music shop, and he stole it.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Myrtle
April 11th, 2024 at 7:15 am Reply
GT: Are people actually going to allow untrained teen girls to wash and groom their pets? And they’re not even wearing bikinis!
69. Baja Gaijin
April 12th, 2024 at 7:35 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: I do NOT want to think about T-Bone t-boning Baleen.
A Very Special Scrote
To Just John for becoming a grandpa this week.
Good news for Baja: Baleen is not a true bone! Doubtless T-Bone knows this already.
Yay, Just John!
Thanks for the mentions, Mr. Scratchy.
@13 Uncle Lumpy: That’s not helping.
Thank you, Scratchy!
Congratulations to Lauralot and the other good folks on the float. Also to the shadow-ies and scratchies, and thanks to Baja. Tips of the beret to Poteet and jroggs.
Thanks, Baja & Scratchy!
Thanks, Scratchy.
A ride on the float and in good company! Thanks Josh – and to Baja and Scratchy as well.
Congrats to Lauralot and the floaters and thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Kudos to Lauralot for the COTW!
And thanks to
MenuMasherBaja andFullPantsScratchy for the mentions!Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks for the mentions, and congrats to Lauralot and all them what float! Hibbleton and cheech wizard made me snort the first time I saw them.
Congrats to Lauralot, the floaters and the scroters, and thanks to Baja and Scratchy for the recognition.
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks to Josh, Baja, and Scratchy for the highlights and for the mentions. Great stuff!
I’m still struggling with pharyngitis. I’d scream about it but it’d probably be counterproductive.
Hey, 2nd time placed and I wasn’t even trying, just bein’ dumb on BlueSky
At least I’m typo’ed.
Congratulations, Lauralot, and more congratulations, writers of hilarious snark, and thank you, Josh, Baja, and Scratchy! A good funny Friday.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: A Very Special Scrote To Just John for becoming a grandpa this week.
An actual quote from the new father, on the phone last night to a nurse line, concerning what turned out to be a non-problem: “it’s the smallest penis I’ve ever seen.” Scroteworthiness runs in the (extended) family.
Sorry for forgetting to put “too soon?” after my OJ jokes this week. I promise to do my best to be more quotable next week.
A roundup of the mix I needed this week: Good cheer and good sneer. Thanx all.
Congrats, Lauralot! Travelling and saw this late. Hilarious work, everyone!