Main content:


Have a very Mary Christmas!

You guys, I have something to confess. I’ve been slacking. Slacking about Mary Worth. She’s had a fab week and I’ve ignored it, which is violating the sacred bond between my readers and myself. It took a gently prodding letter from a faithful reader, who was concerned that I hadn’t been addressing Mary’s antics and expressed hope that I would maybe do a wrap-up post for the week, that forced me to confront my failure in this area and resolve to do better. As I prepare to leave for my annual tri-city Chrimukkwanzaa voyage, I leave you in Mary’s capable hands until I return in 2012.

What was the high point of Mary’s week? Was it Monday, when her determination to rescue an innocent girl caused her to violently assault a hapless waitress?

Mary Worth, 12/19/11

Was it Tuesday, when that girl learned that pretty girls get free ice cream?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/20/11

Was it Thursday, when a wide-eyed Mary gesticulated so violently at the 911 operator that her cravat was knocked askew?

Mary Worth, 12/22/11

Or is it today, when our evil kidnapper subtly asserts his power by placing his body somehow next to and in front of the diner table, proving his ability to ignore the rules of Euclidian space-tieme?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/23/11

I will see you all again January 3 or thereabouts! In the meantime, please enjoy your comment of the week:

“I’ve put up with art show happenings, Dalai Lama snubs, improbable musical careers, and more twists than a bag of pretzels from A3G but Lu Ann having a ‘sudden flash of insight’? You’ve gone too far this time, Shulock. Too far.” –Ed Dravecky

And the runners up, very funny:

“Uh, Lu Ann, I hate to be a nit-picker, but you acquiesced to his proposal after like one date and a visit to his family who all demanded you marry him. I don’t think knowing you was ever on the menu.” –commodorejohn

“Kelly puts her finger to her head and thinks, ‘Gave it to their native friends? Could it be some kind of tax-dodging money-laundering Bible-bird-band scheme? Jackpot! Quick, Honey, fetch my steno pad!’” –Nate

“I love that gleam in Mark’s eye and his broad smile as he sees the meal that Mother McQueen has prepared. ‘Damn, I wish Cherry could learn how to roast a bear turd like that!’” –seismic-2

This new plane we developed has a special inability to fly that eludes radar detection.” –sporknpork

“I hope I’m not the only one whose first thought was that when Marvin thought he’d ‘go on Santa’s Facebook page,’ he meant he was planning to take a dump on the computer.” –spence-bob

“This has been Emily Smith’s lucky week. First, a stranger offered her candy if she would take a ride in his car, and now another stranger is offering her ice cream! Dare she press her luck, by asking about pie?” –seismic-2

“To: Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC. From: Central Intelligence Agency. Classification Level: TOP SECRET. Mission: Produce as much secret military plane-related ‘humor’ as possible. Said strips will be leafleted upon Iran until they give up the captured spy drone in disgust.” –Dagger

“If Ghost Gary truly looks out for his girl Lu Ann, where was he when she almost died from ‘accidentally’ huffing paint fumes a while back? Apparently, he only cares about her life when it involves another guy. Well, at least she’s got a type.” –LogopolisMike

And if you want to learn more about advertising on the site you can go here but really I’m not going to update the site or even really check my email much until after the New Year, so you should really wait until then to do anything about it. See you in 2012 for the apocalypse, suckers!

1,622 responses to “Have a very Mary Christmas!”

  1. ElkMeadow
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:21 am [Reply]

    ********************************
    Congratulations, Floaters!
    ********************************

    RMMD Uh, oh, Niki’s got Spider’s eyes. Did Rex do a transplant?

    MW Maybe you dialed the wrong number, Mary?

    A3G This arc looks like it’s headed for the Winnie Winkle, Breadwinner Book of Story Arcs. Gary will turn out to be alive, and working at his cousin’s pizza parlor, with his golden retriever therapy dog, and has a new girlfriend who already has a kid. And LuAnn will never be able to have kids, and he’s always wanted to be a dad.

    Luann Gunther and Luann are headed back to being a couple again, for the umpteenth time.

  2. Comcis Fan
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:28 am [Reply]

    Did Emily find fingers in her rainbow ice cream? The Good Eats Diner is some place!

    Congrats COTW winners!

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:29 am [Reply]

    S’long, Josh — happy annual tri-city Chrimukkwanzaa!

  4. Mr. O'Malley
    December 23rd, 2011 at 4:30 am [Reply]

    MW: So the little girl scarfed down a whole dish of ice cream while Mary is still on the phone? I’m surprised she didn’t get a major case of brain freeze!

  5. Ed Dravecky
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    I… I, uh, don’t know what to say. I am so very, very happy right now.

    Congrats to all of my fellow float-riders!

  6. Mr. O'Malley
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:32 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m still obsessing about this strip. The vast majority of child kidnapping cases have to do with custody disputes. But of the small number that are left, when adult men kidnap young girls, it is usually for sexual reasons. Maybe not only for that, but that is part of it.

    As much as it pains me to agree with this strip, there was a case in Utah a few years ago when a religious fanatic kidnapped a young girl, and he had her out begging for spare change in Temple Square, and she didn’t dare ask for help because of all the threats he had made to her. So why doesn’t she ask the waitress for help is not really valid.

    I’ve only been to Temple Square one time (last summer), and I didn’t see any beggars there, so I can’t add any more information on that aspect.

    Since the strip doesn’t dare to deal with any sexual issues, it makes it appear that this unshaven and uncouth specimen of humanity has kidnapped the girl for the sole purpose of watching her solve the puzzles on the kiddie placemat and wolf down a plate of free ice cream while he sips his brewski. Which has the effect of making him more sympathetic.

    It’s like watching Frankenstein’s monster watching and trying to understand how a healthy family acts. “Rainbow swirl good!”

    If only Mary Shelley could take over the writing on this strip!

    Happy winter solstice everybody!

  7. Mary Worthless
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    Would you like a mint, Mr. Creosote?

  8. Horace Broon
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    Congrats to everyone on the float!

    (This is the Mudge Formerly Known As Some Guy. I decided I needed a better nick, so I went with a character from a Scottish strip nobody here is familiar with. It seemed like a good idea at the time.)

    A3G: “I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me.” Wow, all those not-so-subtle digs at the relationship Ruby’s been making throughout this storyline really did go completely over LuAnn’s head.

    ASM: I’d complain that Stan and Larry have no idea how supernatural realms work, but “Asgard is in space somewhere” was also used in the movie. Although they at least used an extradimensional tunnel (their version of Bifrost) rather than have Thor flying to Earth through space.

    DT: ZING!

    Love Is… Still inexplicably being printed in newspapers, where kids might see it.

    Marvin: I can’t believe Marvin was ever on the nice list.

    MT: That isn’t a symbolic representation of surprise, that’s just Kelly attempting to have a thought.

    Pluggers: Nonsense! You’re a Plugger if you’ve worn through the handle of your La-Z-Boy once and then worn through the layers of duct tape you reattached it with multiple times…

    Retail: Okay, I’ve been sort of enjoying the “If gifts could speak” thing, but do people really give stamps as Christmas presents? Really?

  9. John C Fremont
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    Congrats, Ed! And safe travels, Josh! The crazies are out in droves this year, so stay safe!

    RMMD – Looks as though Niki’s come over to the Dark Side. Yay!

    GT – “Lini Verde gets hot when he sees Janette Scott fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.”

  10. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#3): According to Shana Banana, the correct term is “Chriskwanzanukah”!

  11. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary will get an award for saving the little girl. Even if it’s not the right girl, she still gets the Meddle of Honor.

  12. Liam
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    MW-I don’t how long she can hold them! She isn’t that good of a waitress.

    MT-We’re going to kill Kelly and dump her body in a ditch.

  13. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    The Float: A short list for a looooooooooooooooooooong thread. Thank God I’m off dial-up!!!

    Still not a fan of loooooooong threads, though. I may have to offer oversnarpologies up front for the next 10 days or so, just in case…

  14. gleeb
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Happy New Year, Josh.

    Archie: Their misogynous murder spree lasted long into the night.

    Beetle: Otto is not a dog; he’s a horribly misshapen wallaby.

    Dick: I’m finding it hard to imagine what that thing behind Sam in the second panel is. Is it a huge, tubular snow globe?

    ‘bean: Fat failure Funky knows his father’s slip into extreme Crankshaftism means he can be easily abused, and he’s looking forward to that.

    Mark: Kelly is puzzled. She’s puzzled about why Mark is making promises in her name and she’s puzzled at where her blue scarf went.

    Phantom: But Chief Ernesto is a slacker, and somebody is going to have to pick up the slack in the punching-criminals department. I wonder who?

  15. pugfuggly
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    CONGRATS TO THE FLOATERS!

    A3G: If Lu Ann goes home she’ll either have to talk to Margo, who would judge her, or the other one….whats-her-name….y’know, with the red hair…?..and that would just be awkward.

    MT Does anyone else find that look that Mark is giving Kelly vaguely menacing? “Don’t worry, Mother McQueen, I know where she lives, and where her family lives, so we won’t be expecting anyproblems at all. Isn’t that right, Kelly….?

    MW God, the suspense is killing me!! No…that’s not the right word…..’boring me’. The suspense is boring me.

  16. BobbyN
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    FW: Hurry,Batuik.You barely have time for Funky to kill Wally’s assist dog with his car to make it a perfect Christmas in your world.Why do I read this depressing strip?

  17. tb4000
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    SF: Yeah, I confess that is just precious. Considering that the only two expressions most characters have in this trip are either snarky or surprised, this is quite the mind screw.

  18. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#14): re: Beetle: “Otto’s Modern Life”?

    A&J: Well, I’m too young to be 50, so there you go.

    9CL: “No man”? Really? Though, as far as sexist stereotypes for men go, that’s not too bad. We could be saddled with impractical, uncomfortable-looking footwear, like (some) females are stuck with.

    Crank: Oh, Good Lord, there’s more of them!

    Blondie: And Doofenshmirtz complains (in “Phineas & Ferb’s Christmas Vacation”)! Dagwood would say, “You’ll get my plum pudding when you pry it from my cold, dead, spoon-holding fingers!”, in Doof’s predicament.

    H&L: Then Hi took her right there and then, having his way with her like a Burber with an Amos (or is that the other way around?)!

    Luann: You’re gonna give her a Burber-like oversized ego, Gunther, you moron! She’s bad enough as it is. And, no, it won’t make her take you right there and then, having her way with you!

    MT: Mark Trail motto:
    ~ Sabotage smugly. ~

    NS: “I’m not going anywhere, Sledgehammer-pen! You can stop the furshlugginer poem now. I’m done.”

    Phantom: Curse the cruel, cruel cutaway (as fed-up “Family Guy” fans would say)!

    RMMD: Niki looks sinister there! Why does he look sinister? Does that immediately come with the experience of beating up a middle-aged teen punker or something? To the victor belongs the personality?

  19. Dennis Jimenez
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    MW – My casting – you connect the selection to the appropriate character – 10 year old Ricky Schroeder, Emo Phelps, Tom Arnold, Virginia Christine (circa 1969).

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  20. Ned Ryerson
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#10): Oh Mr. Stoneaxe, my fellow denizen of the Tampa Bay area, have you ever actually seen the ubiquitous Miss Banana perform? I haven’t, but maybe one day… (sorry everybody else, I couldn’t let the mention go uncommented upon. Shana Banana is the stage name for this pleasant looking lady [with a plush banana hat] who performs for children almost constantly and barely a week goes by that I don’t notice a listing for one her appearances in the paper, although her regular gigs at the Borders Books are now a thing of the past). Hey Rocky, whaddaya think about this whole Tampa Bay Times rigamarole?

  21. Effluvius Erratus
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    What I love about Judge Parker is the verisimilitude. Where else on the comics page are you going to see rich, powerful white people scheming to help their friends, family, and cronies get away with murder, literally, and do so not only without shame, but with such self-satisfied pride that they even if they were called to task, our uber-priviledged protagonists wouldn’t even understand what the hubbub was about? I can’t think of another strip delivering such scathing, deadpan satire. Hell, they play it so straight that many of you probably think JP is just another fantastical yet boring soaper.

  22. Not Just Any Dipstick
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    MW: Send the police. I wonder if the emergency operator would have sent the Marines without that helpful information. Of course in Worthyverse no one but ‘The Meddler’ has more than half an ounce of brain. Hmmm, has Dick Tracy ever been confronted by ‘The Meddler’? A truly fearsome example of destructive force aimed at all society.

  23. Not Just Any Dipstick
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#21): Where else? JP is just a pale imitation of the Democrats in Congress.

  24. Beetle Bumstead
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Judging from the reaction of all involved, I think “Rainbow Swirl” refers to a lesbian sex act. The next unseen panel shows the kidnapper shooting milk out his nose.

  25. Dennis Jimenez
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW – So Meryl Streep did Sophie and Maggie Thatcher – but could Mary Worth be the role of her career….

  26. Not Just Any Dipstick
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    MW: In any Western movie the bad guys wear black hats. In MW the bad guy has green hair. Green. Have the color monkeys lost all control of the ink mixer?

  27. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Crank: Just shoot her now. Now.

    FC: What, you mean the time when there was the illusion of prosperity?

    FW: HOOO-LEEE-SHIT. We *must* get Funky’s dad and Crank together….

    Luann: Oh goddammit. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it stop it stop it stop it.

    MT: GrrrrrRRRRrrrrRRRRrrrrrrgrumblegrumbleRRRRrrrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrgrumble….

    RMMD: Panel 3……“No, Mr. Bond. I want you to die.”

    Archie: Ha ha ha!! It’s funny because they are all a bunch of horny teen-aged boys!

    SixChix: Riddle me this, Batman……….if Santa is, like, 170 years old, then how old are his parents??

    Love is…: Stuck in a giant dirty gym sock pinned to the wall.

  28. brendancalling
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    the funkyverse time/space continuum has really confused me. Is Funky’s Dad Crankshaft, but way in the future or something?

    Seriously, someone help me out with this, I am lost.

  29. TheDiva
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Congrats, float riders, and enjoy your holiday, Josh!

    MW: “Send the police, and hurry! I’m not sure how much longer I can keep crushing his head!”

    9CL: I’m not sure what the two pieces of dialogue have to do with each other, but to be honest I think Brooke was so distracted with his pin-up du jour that he doesn’t know either.

    A3G: Ruby’s in a festive mood, if the gardenias in her hair are any indication.

    C’shaft: Being a sarcastic asshole just because you can? Yep, those are Cranky’s genes.

    FW: It’s funny because Pop Winkerbean doesn’t know his son is a lush.

    Luann: I believe this is what TVTropes used to refer to as “Shilling the Wesley.” I also believe this is the first time I’ve seen two Wesleys shilling each other.

    Marvin: Just out of curiosity, does Santa have an “evil Hellspawn” ranking?

    SM: Lies! Look at the double sun–that’s got to be Tatooine!

  30. Marc
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Luann- Alright, there are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start. A) Gunther is not with Rosa. They had one stupid awkward sorta date months ago and haven’t been seen together since. B) Dating back to yesterday, you can’t lose someone you never had. C) Are we sure Quill “likes the ladies”? Flirt gun? What is this shit?. This strip is so goddam stupid.

    Funky- Funky is so adverse to spending any amount of time with his old man that he’s going to kidnap the first person out the door of the AA meeting just to avoid having to be alone with his dear old dad.

    Mark Trail- In the months that Mark has been away up in the Canadian wilderness, has he even attmpted to make contact with his family back home even once? Or have they just accepted his long absences as standard practice?

    Mary Worth- I can just picture the 911 operator sitting there, feet up on the switchboard, playing with her cell phone, just waiting for Mary to finish her never ending spiel. The operator has come to prefer calls from people who got the wrong order at McDonald’s and guys who couldn’t get their iphones to work much more than the weekly call from Mary.

  31. Marc
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois- I mean we all knew that Lois was the world’s biggest bitch, but holy shit! This takes the cake even for the absolutely horrible person that Lois is. That bitch is no good. I hope Hi pushes her down the escalator.

  32. UncleJeff
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    MW: It’s Day 20 of “Occupy Diner Booth” and there’s no sign that any side is making any movement towards anything.

    DT: Yup, criminals are at large but the police department is gonna shut down for the Christmas/Hannukah celebrations.

    Pibgorn: And Brookie shows us how oh so smart he is and can raise existential questions over a two-week period that Charles Schulz could do in a 4-panel strip.

  33. Anonymous
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Y’know, this last Mary Worth needs an arrow pointing out that the little girl is named “America” and a shirt for the kidnapper to wear that says either “Big Business” or “Government Fat Cats.” It’d make the perfect political cartoon! Normally, I’d be averse to plagiarism, but I think the billions I’d make from that one could cover my legal fees.

  34. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to the float folk. Again, a couple of these comments I missed the first time around, so I’m glad to see them here. And glad LogopolisMike made it on too.

  35. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    GT – Noone has commented on Gil Thorp? I almost missed it, too. Go back and look at Panel 3 again. I’ll wait….

    OK? So … no wonder Lini Verde got hot. And with Janette Scott nowhere in sight, even.

  36. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Good floating! Now, we’re off to 1,000 comments!

    At least. Unless Uncle Lumpy decides to host the snark every day.

    Oh, and WOLVES!

  37. Farley's Ghost
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    I think Lynn mailed in the new and improved FBOFW rerun today.

    If she were on her game, only smElly would be up early. Asshole John would be shown in bed, sawing wood and having wet dreams about some girl he saw at the mall.

    C’mon Lynn, if you are going to change the tone (and skin-tone) of the strip so that it can take up space that a starving comic strip artist would love, at least put five minutes a day busting on Rod John, the asshat of Canadia.

  38. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    MW: It will only get harder to stall them now. Obviously the kidnapper is getting self-conscious about his man-boobs.

    A3G: Lu Ann looks like she always looks. It’s Apartment 3-G. Everybody is always as pale as a ghost. You can see how Albert Pinkham Ryder had his work cut out for him.

    H-Cliff: Heathcliff’s extermination war against dogkind continues. Christmastime truces are for WWI soldiers.

    HtH: Presumably she needs to get a job so he can buy the other 14 strings for his lute.

    BSt: I’m gonna back out quietly before this sexy snacktime roleplay goes any further.

    MT: Oh, okay. Mark is offering to share a byline with Kelly Welly. Positively Christlike, this one.

    SFx: Ah, the mythical happy shoppers. See the expression on the owl’s face next to them? That’s more what holiday shoppers look like.

    DtM: “The rest of you children will have to wait. Santa’s got to give a certain young man the ‘Mo Money, Mo Problems’ speech.”

    GT: No, babies, Lini is not getting “hot” in any sexual sense. Obviously, that’s more Kaz’s thing.

    Crock: Whether it’s ineptitude or censorship, the war dead look like grown men who just finished a game of “Ring Around the Rosie.”

    C-Shaft: Oh well, at least for the next few days there’ll be someone who’s fun to look at. (And she’s supposed to be Fast Ed’s daughter?)

    Archie: If at some point we’re not treated to the sight of a caroling group getting maced, I will be severely disappointed.

    S4th: For those of you coming in late, the two women embracing are sisters who’ve been on the outs. They’re not giving Ted his Christmas present. Well, I’m pretty sure they’re not.

    WofI: Spook getting run over by a reindeer is about as funny as “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

    FC: “Or as I said back in the 1990s, an old-fashioned Christmas is one like they had in the 1970s.”

  39. mr12ozcan
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    mary worth- hey the guy drinks his beer from a glass most cavemen would just drink it straight from the bottle.
    mark trail- dont know if this was said yesterday ? but why does mountie mcqueen need to be wearing a backpack ? hey andy better be in tomm strip i avoid that sunday wild kingdom stuff

  40. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Carpet cleaning San Mateo (y211): Optimistic spambot must think a lot of us live in the San Mateo area.

  41. 10 Dude Road
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    A ballerina modeling shoes?

    My daughter has been doing Pointe for about 5 years at a very low pressure dance studio and comes home from class with bloodied toes and callous built up from hours of practice. And she does this for fun!

    I can just imagine what a serious dancer’s feet look like.

    I think that Brooke has lost sight that top-notch dancers are highly skilled athletes with the wounds to prove it.

  42. Old School Allie Cat
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    FW – Funky, by telling your dad you have to pick up a friend “from AA”, you’re breaking the rules of the second A. I mean, I know in order for the joke to work, you can’t just say you’re picking up a friend, but maybe that should tell you it’s a shitty joke in the first place.

  43. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    I may be mistaken (I don’t think so) but I do believe our very own Alfred E. Neuman has made the top 10 Plugger episodes of 2011. He checks in today at number seven!

  44. Liam
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    A3G-I can imagine what a day it has been. You just broke up with your creepy fiance because you had a dream about your dead husband.

    Sally Forth-Tomorrow this bit of niceness shall end when Ralph walks in.

  45. The Waz
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    9CL: If you are going to use a stereotype, use it right. It should be along the lines of She’s wearing shoes?

  46. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Not Just Any Dipstick (#26):

    n MW the bad guy has green hair. Green.

    Want to know how he got those scars?

  47. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Not Just Any Dipstick (#26):
    Snarkers: Hey! Bad guy! How’d you get the green hair?

    (Bad guy blows his nose into his hand and rubs it across his scalp)

    Bad guy: I don’t know.

  48. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    9 – I can answer this one! The heels give a certain shape to Edda’s bankable asset. How does anybody not know that?

    love is… – No, I must disagree. A couple of jerks into a stocking is something other than love.

    Rx – And now, the true horror stands revealed. Those soulless eyes — it’s Niki. Yes. Niki is the monster. Lord help us all.

  49. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    R=R – It’s well-formed and humorous today. God bless us, every one!

    Short – Praise be to Dab. Linked so more Mudges can see this.

    Spidey – NEXT!! As promised LAST MONTH… something about THOR!!! I guess. If we all live long enough.

  50. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Crock – Leonardo DaVinci tells us how to show a battle scene.

    First you must represent the smoke of artillery mingling in the air with the dust and tossed up by the movement of horses and the combatants… The more the combatants are in this turmoil the less will they be seen, and the less contrast will there be in their lights and shadows. Their faces and figures and their appearance, and the musketeers as well as those near them you must make of a glowing red…

    The air must be full of arrows in every direction, some shooting upwards, some falling, some flying level. The balls from the guns must have a train of smoke following their flight. The figures in the foreground you must make with dust on the hair and eyebrows and on other flat places likely to retain it…

    And if you make any one fallen, you must show the place where he has slipped and been dragged along the dust into blood stained mire; and in the half-liquid earth arround show the print of the tramping of men and horses who have passed that way. Make also a horse dragging the dead body of his master, and leaving behind him, in the dust and mud, the track where the body was dragged along.

    You must make the conquered and beaten pale, their brows raised and knit, and the skin above their brows furrowed with pain, the sides of the nose with wrinkles going in an arch from the nostrils to the eyes, and make the nostrils drawn up — which is the cause of the lines of which I speak — and the lips arched upwards and discovering the upper teeth; and the teeth apart as with crying out and lamentation.

    And make some one shielding his terrified eyes with one hand, the palm towards the enemy, while the other rests on the ground to support his half raised body. Others represent shouting with their mouths open, and running away. You must scatter arms of all sorts among the feet of the combatants, as broken shields, lances, broken swords and other such objects.

    And you must make the dead partly or entirely covered with dust, which is changed into crimson mire where it has mingled with the flowing blood whose colour shows it issuing in a sinuous stream from the corpse. Others must be represented in the agonies of death grinding their teeth, rolling their eyes, with their fists clenched against their bodies and their legs contorted. Some might be shown disarmed and beaten down by the enemy, turning upon the foe, with teeth and nails, to take an inhuman and bitter revenge.

    You might see some riderless horse rushing among the enemy, with his mane flying in the wind, and doing no little mischief with his heels. Some maimed warrior may be seen fallen to the earth, covering himself with his shield, while the enemy, bending over him, tries to deal him a deathstroke. There again might be seen a number of men fallen in a heap over a dead horse.

    You would see some of the victors leaving the fight and issuing from the crowd, rubbing their eyes and cheeks with both hands to clean them of the dirt made by their watering eyes smarting from the dust and smoke… And there may be a river into which horses are galloping, churning up the water all round them into turbulent waves of foam and water, tossed into the air and among the legs and bodies of the horses. And there must not be a level spot that is not trampled with gore.

    Or, if that’s too much work, you can just show a half dozen guys lying around looking stupid. NEXT!

  51. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @Carpet cleaning San Mateo (#y211): I sincerely say you come up with some superb points and I will submit a number of thoughts to add to briefly.
    Put the carpet cleaning machine on, please.

    @Horace Broon (#8): I’ve got a Broons collection. (I like the Viz version better, though I’m not sure if they’ve done any lately — does D.C. Thompson own the Broons? They started suing whenever somebody did a take-off on their characters a while back.) You should seriously make all your posts rhyme. That would be mega.

  52. Steve
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I don’t follow this comic closely enough to have learned Niki’s last name. Is it Lecter or Malfoy?

  53. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    ohyeahcongratstoEdandcommodorejohnandspence-bobandeverybody

  54. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    The joke’s on Spam. It’s the last comment of yesterthread.

  55. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    9CL: Edda has side-boob?

    Bizarro: heh. reminds me of a guy that I used to work with, and his method for always getting his hunting vacation requests approved. “I plan on killing things next week. I can do it in the woods, or I can do it here. Your choice, boss!”

    GT: Cortez dominates, and Lini gets hot. Nope, no subtext there, not one bit.

    SF: say what you will, but Sally is rocking that sweater.

  56. Rixter
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Someone who won’t judge me.
    Good thinking, LuAnn. One thing about Ruby – she’s shown she’s capable of judging everyone except you.

    MT: Kelly’s memory has been wiped clean. Smart move with the roofies, Mark. “WOLVES?

    MW: “I don’t know how long she can hold them.
    For crying out loud, Mary! It’s a restaurant. A waitress can easily hold diners for hours.

    CS: I don’t know why, but my first thought was “Spawn of Satan.”

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#38): “C-Shaft: Oh well, at least for the next few days there’ll be someone who’s fun to look at.
    It’s amazing that Chris has an even more out-of-date hairstyle than Pam. It’s a shame she’s not also wearing glasses with lenses the size of saucers.

    FW: Another crankynoma victim in Westview.

  57. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

  58. Cloudbuster
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @10 Dude Road (#41): “I think that Brooke has lost sight that top-notch dancers are highly skilled athletes with the wounds to prove it.”

    Please don’t disturb Brooke when he’s masturbating to his daughter-surrogate.

  59. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    small child, with puppies.

    Smoydian Family FLOOF!

    otters hanging out.

    Fox is looking at you.

    ocelittle times two.

    a merry corgi holiday to one and all.

    as a note, we got to see Tu’i again yesterday. the queeksgirls folks came down to help us move a few last things. *happy dance*

  60. Cloudbuster
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    PvPOnline: I just wanted to point out this series because it’s a bit poignant for me (and probably for other guys who’ve watched their fathers age). My dad was a big, strong, barrel-chested guy and it was always very sad for me to see him turn from the “dad who could do anything” of my youth to the frail, shrunken man he was in the last few years before he died. I sure miss him. I have a son now who physically outclasses me (with good reason, as a Staff Sgt. in 101st Airborne), but I haven’t devolved into frail, old dad yet, damn it! :)

    Somehow, PvPOnline manages to touch on the issue of aging parents in a way that has so much more humor and warmth than the same thing going on in FW.

  61. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#57): thanks! have a small window of access, figured I’d jump through it like stupid through Mark Trail. :-)

  62. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    MT – So this is Mark’s great plan, to drop a bomb on Kelly in front of everybody?
    And is this arc going to just wrap up and end with so many loose ends, such as WHY did Father McQ band the goose?

    I swear, Jackelrod (or his cronies) are just screwing with us!

  63. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Now, if they had only done this to Rusty, no one would care.

  64. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#54): The joke’s on Spam. It’s the last comment of yesterthread.

    Not anymore it isn’t! And they do upholstery as well! When Barney Google is in the San Mateo area (although he hasn’t been seen in his own comic strip in 5465 days!) he takes all his carpet cleaning needs to the helpful bots at San Mateo Carpet Cleaning!

    /* And you know that ol’ Spark Plug never was properly carpet trained. */

  65. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: The police take their time. The stalling has gone on as long as it can. The guy pays the bill and leaves with the little girl. Mary decides to follow. As the man and girl walk through the parking lot, a band of banjo playing monkeys jump out and entertain the pair with laughing and joyous dancing taking place Mary figures out a way to get the little girl away from the man. The man turns out to be the little girl’s father. Mary gets arrested for kidnapping.

    I gotta switch to decaf.

  66. Spotts1701
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    9CL: No mas! No mas! I can feel my libido shriveling up as we speak.

    JP: “Don’t worry about the fact that April might be an incompetent assassin who put three slugs in a guy, Judge! Go do judge-like things off-panel and we’ll meet up later for wine and smugness.”

    Luann: If her flirt gun were set on “kill”, it wouldn’t be very good now would it?

  67. zenvelo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    MW: That’s a kidnapper with taste, finding the only diner on the south coast that serves Red Stripe.

  68. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

  69. Peanut Gallery
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#18):

    RMMD: Niki looks sinister there! Why does he look sinister?

    Black eye-liner. Works every time.

  70. D-nice
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    MW: How come no one is mentioning how perfectly normal it is that kidnappers take their victims out to eat in public diners?

  71. Illustrator Steve
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#62): MT – I’ve suspected for a long time that Jackelrod is screwing with us!

  72. Snuggs
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    I appreciate that the waitress is just making up stuff as she goes along to keep them there, but I think calling the transmogrifying face of that little girl “pretty” is going to tip the guy off that this is a set-up. Just sayin’.

    Also, congrats to the last COTW-ers of 2011, and to Josh, for once again reading Mary Worth and distilling it down to just the awesome parts so we didn’t have to!

  73. Snuggs
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @D-nice (#70): I was wondering that myself. Seems a bit short sighted, really. Maybe the answer is… erm… Stockholm Syndrome?

  74. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#31):
    “Honey…”
    “What, Hi?”
    “I’m Hi… and you’re Bye-Bye!”
    PUSH!

  75. Pseudo3D
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    DT: Given that Sam’s previous appearance DID look like a slowly melting face, I have to hand to it to Putty.

    RMMDy: And so, Spider is going to get murdered by “Bubba”…

    RMMD: …and we find out the REAL villain of this story!

    MTy: Yes, that bear porn should’ve been deleted.

  76. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    MW – I just noticed that in Thursday strip, Mary isn’t even hold the phone to her ear. What’s up with that?

  77. Illustrator Steve
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    MT – (Kelly says): “OUR story? WHAT do you mean, OUR story?!! You go write YOUR damn story, and I”LL write MY own damn story!!! GOT THAT TRAIL?!!”
    (Mark’s responce): “Now-now, Be nice Kelly. Remember, after all you ARE a WOMAN….even though you’ve never make me pancakes, but still, I did see you in your cabin window that nigh…,woops, never mind.”
    (Kelly again): Be careful how you talk to me in front of your wierd FRIENDS Mark Trail! …And WATCH your dirty mouth! I’ll have you know that Honey Bear is a very close friend of mine now, and she is NOT wearing any MUZZLE or paw pads, so WATCH IT TRAIL!!! And by the way, WHY the hell did Jackelrod remove the blue scarf that I was wearing?! Get me outta here!! This place gives me the CREEPS!! I’ve had it… GO GET HIM HONEY!!
    (Sgt. McQueen): Ms. Welly, you are under arrest for threatening my friend! Hols still while I point my squirt gun pistol at you and please remove your camera and all of your clothing immediately and lay face down on this alge-covered ground!”

  78. Marthas Rolling Pin
    December 23rd, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    S4th: Ces with the win, for Christmas Strip of the Year.

  79. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#69): He’s going through his Alice Cooper phase.

    Suddenly.

  80. Cloudbuster
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I suppose it’s pointless to explain to Edda how hot barefoot girls are. Except barefoot professional ballet dancers. Because their feet are gross!

  81. Illustrator Steve
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    MT – It appears that Mark and Kelly are packed and on their way out of peacefull valley and are engaged in saying their goodbyes to Mother McQueen and her very popular son.
    So, besides many questions that will, as in all past MT adventures, go unanswered and completely ignored by the idiot who RUINED Ed Dodd’s
    original comic strip, one important question that REALLY REALLY needs to be addressed is……. WHERE THE HELL IS JOHNNY MULLET AND ANDY?

  82. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#81): shouts…

    WHERE THE HELL IS JOHNNY MULLET AND ANDY?

    They snuck out early and are heading to the Forth’s Christmas party where all the action is beginning.

  83. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#66):

    9CL: No mas! No mas! I can feel my libido shriveling up as we speak.

    “My loins will never stir again.” – Crow T. Robot

  84. commodorejohn
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Huzzah, it’s the Christmas megathread! Push your browser to its limit, kids!

    Agnes – I do love this strip.

    A&J – …okay, exactly what is the relation between Mary Lou, her dad, and the little girl (Meg?) I just figured the two were siblings, but I’m not sure why Janis gets all mothery in that case.

    BS – brain bleach. now.

    Crankshaft – For Christmas, a strip with the only three Crankshaft characters who aren’t utterly hateful! Joy!

    Curtis – Okay, okay. Now HOW ABOUT SOME %$&# KWANZAA!?

    DT – Hey, knocking off crimefighting work with a half-assed excuse is Spider-Man’s gig!

    F- – I want this as a poster.

    Love Is… – You don’t want to know what that stocking’s encrusted with.

    Luann – And by “I’m no love expert” Gunther means “I once tried to hit on a girl by sharing my tentacle manga with her.”

    MT – Kelly sums up the entire storyline in one thought balloon.

    MW – Awful nice of him to let her finish the puzzles & activities section on the back of the kids’ menu.

    The Norm – Aww, now I’m getting all nostalgy.

    Peanuts – Calvin and Suzie, the early years.

    RMMD – Wait, why does Niki suddenly look like Spider? Did he contract some infection from tussling with…OH MY GOD REX MORGAN IS DOING THE THING FOR CHRISTMAS

    SM – I don’t think that’s actually the solar system. I think it’s the side of an ’83 Chevy van. (The two suns were kind of a hint.)

  85. Illustrator Steve
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    MT – (As Rozanna Dannadanna would say), “WHAT the heck does Jack Elrod have against tourists?!! They would help that old lady keep food on her table when she runs out of bear meat! I think he doesn’t like tourists because they never come to see him at work in his dead boss’s studio, that’s what I think! Maybe he should see him at work. Oh, he doesn’t work? He only uses old clip art from his dead boss’s file drawers? NEVER MIND.”
    (With resepects to the late great Gilda Radner) And Merry Christmas to all!

  86. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#8):

    (This is the Mudge Formerly Known As Some Guy. I decided I needed a better nick, so I went with a character from a Scottish strip nobody here is familiar with. It seemed like a good idea at the time.)

    Hey! I grew up with the Broon family. No, I’m not from Scotland, but a relative in Scotland used to save up and send all the comics to me every Christmas: The Broons, Oor Wullie, Nosey Parker, and the rest. Do I take it you have certain nerdish qualities?

  87. This Guy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    H&J: Ah, such a trenchant insight regarding the foibles of our language. Coming up next: why the hell do we park on driveways and drive on parkways, and why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

    Lockhorns: ’cause men don’t give a shit about Christmas, amirite?

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#27): FW: HOOO-LEEE-SHIT. We *must* get Funky’s dad and Crank together….

    I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.

  88. Marthas Rolling Pin
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @CommodoreJohn84 (comment thingy not working) Re A&J: Meg is Mary Lou’s child from a teen pregnancy. Gene knew her way back when, and they renewed acquaintances a few years ago. Meg (so far) adores Gene, Gene adores Mary Lou, ML’s Dad likes Gene OK, and Janis gets to be an instant Grandma.

  89. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    ASM – Just like Tarzan, Thor refers to himself by using his own name….

    Also, what actually happened to his goddess? I missed that part.

  90. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, Festive Float-Folk!

    And have a Merry Apocalypse, Josh!

    . . . Is he gone? Good. Now, I have the egg nog. Who has the key to the liquor cabinet?

  91. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#90): The key? Last I saw was Gollum scampering off with it. He was mumbling something about it being precious.

  92. Joe Blevins
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

  93. Spotts1701
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#90): Key? Key? Give me 5 seconds and Sam Driver’s American Express Centurion Card and I can have that thing popped wide open.

  94. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#93): We don’t need no stinking key.

  95. Peanut Gallery
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#89):

    ASM — Just like Tarzan, Thor refers to himself by using his own name…

    Also, just like Elmo the muppet.

  96. Ned Ryerson
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Somebody else bring some music. Josh has nothing but Doodletown Pipers LPs in here.

  97. odinthor
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of LPs . . . Completely off-topic except for the hilarity! I’m sending fellow Mudgeons to part four first because it seems to be the only one which has links to the other parts! Many will be trying to decide if Ingmar Bergman had a hand in “Understand Your’e Swede” [sic].

  98. commodorejohn
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Marthas Rolling Pin (#88): Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

  99. commodorejohn
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#97): Hah, yes. So many permutations of that list throughout the Internet, and I’ve yet to stumble on one that isn’t hilarious.

    (I do have to say, though, that loony cover aside, A Rainbow in Curved Air by Terry Riley is actually quite an interesting album, if you’re into early electronic music.)

  100. Ned Ryerson
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#97): Ahhhhh, Joyce!

  101. Wally Winketbean
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#90):

    Funky and his dad are going to pick up the key along with the friend from AA.

    Pass the rot gut around. And with the crew from Funkytown, you know it really is going to rot your gut.

    Cancer juice all around!!!

  102. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 23rd, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to Ed Dravecky and the FunnyFloaters!

    @Sequitur (#43) said: “I may be mistaken (I don’t think so) but I do believe our very own Alfred E. Neuman has made the top 10 Plugger episodes of 2011. He checks in today at number seven!”

    Yeah, that’s me. I may not have been good enough to make the float, but wow, I am a top ten Plugger for 2011!
    Hey, wait a minute…
    That is a good thing, isn’t it?
    Aw, crap…

  103. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 23rd, 2011 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    RMMD— Niki’s words may sound altruistic, but his expression says, “I’m going to have my way with this smoking hot, partially drugged, semi-nude girl who ‘owes me’. I’ll definitely ‘get her home’… multiple times.”

  104. Shrug
    December 23rd, 2011 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#62):

    “And is this arc going to just wrap up and end with so many loose ends, such as WHY did Father McQ band the goose?”

    Please don’t mention “loose ends” and geese in the same sentence; it just gives them ideas.

  105. Uncle Lumpy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#103):

    Maybe Niki paid Spider to do his prep work. Is that too cynical? I think that may be too cynical — it’s a fine line.

  106. Horace Broon
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#86):

    Yep. When I was a kid, the two comic characters I most identified with were Horace and “Bookworm” from Whizzer & Chips.

  107. Shrug
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#8):

    “a Scottish strip nobody here is familiar with…”

    You underestimate the ‘mudges. I notice a couple of commentators have already indicated familiarity, and I have a bit as well. (Picked up the OOR WULLIE collection at a charity book sale a few years ago and made my way through it, though the thick dialect made it as much effort as pleasure for me. On the other hand the dialect in HAN OLE AND HAN PER always sounded pretty normal to me, since I grew up with a lot of Norwegian-speakers and no Scots.)

  108. Shrug
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    “Quill “likes the ladies”?

    Im assuming the “ladies” in question are the drag queens in the midnight show at the Wagga Wagga Club.

    “Flirt gun?”

    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  109. Shrug
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#48):

    “A couple of jerks into a stocking is something other than love.”

    Still, sometimes when a man and a stocking love each other very, very much, something special and wonderful happens…

    Er, so I’m told.

  110. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#108): quiries…

    “Flirt gun?”

    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    No, that’s what Greg Evans is calling it these days.

  111. mollificent
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Just popping out of my foxhole to say that Sally Forth totally made me tear up today. And Merry Christmas everyone!

    Heh heh…it must be time for the Twelve Days of Comics again! :)

  112. Droopy Says
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#89): After looking at the third panel in Thursday’s Spiderfail, and seeing the creepy looky in MaryJug’s eyes, I’m pretty sure that she’s possessed by the soul of Thor’s SO. We’ll know more if MJ decides to rent a penthouse apartment with a Wagnerian ambience and starts referring to Jameson as Fafnersbreath.

  113. ArchieNemesis
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait for the awkwardness on Christmas Day, when Mary Worth slams the brakes on the monstrous childnapper storyline, and cheerily wishes us “Happy Holidays!”

  114. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Wally Winketbean (#101): I’ll pass on the Cancerjuice Cocktail–as well as the Cosmopolyptan and Deathquiri. In honor of Josh’s Mary Christmas post, I’ll have a Potato-Ade Martini (shaken with urgency, of course) with a scoop of rainbow swirl.

  115. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#84): re. Gunther, it might have worked, if he’d been brave enough to break out the tentacle-yaoi.

    @mollificent (#111): I certainly thought so a couple of days back. :-)

  116. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#105) said: “Maybe Niki paid Spider to do his prep work. Is that too cynical? I think that may be too cynical — it’s a fine line.”

    As Curmudgeons, we can never be too cynical.

  117. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#79): He’s going through his Alice Cooper phase.
    Looks sorta clockwork orangey to me. Also.

  118. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Lost Forest, the Hidden Stories.

    alt-world Margo. (just a little naughty, but not too much.)

  119. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    one for bb,u, and I bid you adieu.

    (at least for a little bit.)

  120. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#118): I can think of no better reason that the LoFo animals haven’t risen up in violent rebellion: they have access to a walk-up liquor window. Honey and Sneaky and Bucky and Mollie weren’t domesticated; they were drunk.

    (And instead of bourbon n’ ponies, I’ll go for bourbon n’ Christmas cookies—or that time-saver, bourbon balls.)

  121. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 23rd, 2011 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    Felicitations Float Folk — and Feliz Navidad!

    @Ned Ryerson (#20): As the parent of a nine-year-old, I’ve listened to Shana Banana’s songs before, but I’ve never seen her up close and personal. I wish we could go to her show in Tampa tonight, but the entire Stoneaxe family has been out Christmas shopping all day. Sonny Stoneaxe is tired and cranky from being dragged through store after store (we just got home a few minutes ago), so he’s in no mood to sit through a live performance by Ms. Banana — or anyone else for that matter.

    I admit to being puzzled by your other comment. What rigamarole? Are you talking about the St. Petersburg Times changing its name to the Tampa Bay Times on 01/01/12? Since the Times has been the Tampa Bay area’s leading newspaper for several years running (sorry, Tampa Tribune!), the name change is probably long overdue.

  122. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    I’ll bring some music… as long as nobody minds “Jingle Bells” by the singing dogs. Okay, John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas”, the Phil Spector album, The Beatles’ “Christmastime is Here Again” (the whole song, uncut) (monotonous, isn’t it?), and lots of non-holiday oldies, classic rock, lounge instrumental, garage rock, disco (I’ll leave out the disco if y’all allow the Singing Dogs), plus a TV theme or two (for Spidey, of course. Nah, I like ‘em, too). Maybe start with “Mission: Impossible”….

  123. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Luann’s “Hey, Boy!” (or whatever it’s called) is out of the question!

    …unless it’s a scathing parody.

  124. bats :[
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

  125. ElkMeadow
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @10 Dude Road (#41):

    You’re right. Seth had a story arc about how ugly Edda’s feet were some months ago.

  126. wossname
    December 23rd, 2011 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to Ed Dravecky and all the other funny folks on the float! I’ve been entertaining out-of-town guests this week and haven’t had time to read comments, so it’s nice to see a quick sampling of Josh’s favorites.

    Happy travels to Josh, and I hope Unca Lumpy will be entertaining us with his unique and soulful snark stylings in Josh’s absence.

    Now — has anybody found the key to the liquor cabinet yet? Didn’t we make a spare one last time Josh went away and hide it somewhere? Maybe under the welcome mat at Good Eats Diner? In a gold mine behind a waterfall? Where is the damn thing?

  127. nomuse
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    MW (12/22) — Events have certainly flustered Mary Worth; even special guest star Thing is unable to help.

  128. Crankenstank
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    They *must* be in LA if the 911 call is taking so long.

  129. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to Ed Dravecky and all the floaters.

  130. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#104): “Please don’t mention “loose ends” and geese in the same sentence; it just gives them ideas.”

    Don’t I know it! We’ve got Canada geese all over the place here in Minnetundra and all those bird do is eat and shit.

  131. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    FC: Dollars to donuts the first time this ran the punch line was “like they had back in the 1890′s”

  132. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    FW: So much for the ANONYMOUS part!

  133. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#95): “Also, just like Elmo the muppet.”

    I forgot about him. God, how I hate that little shit!

  134. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    GT: “Then Lini Verde gets hot…” So that’s who’s grabbing that other player’s ass. I thought it was coach Kaz.

  135. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: And after a little fisticuffs Niki like to put on a little guy-liner….

  136. Zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    I’m less concerned with how many days it’s been since Barney Google vanished than how many more days without tatas in Judge Parker. You don’t think anyone actually reads it for the plot, do you?

  137. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#126): The key to all you desire is in your heart.

    Oh, hell. That’s gonna be one messy operation. Calling Dr. Morgan!

  138. wossname
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#137): Dr. Morgan is not operating on me. How about that hillbilly doctor from BGSS? He could probably handle this. Or maybe Cherry Trail’s dad Doc.

  139. Droopy Says
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#6): de rerum Mary Meddlestein: If only Mary Shelley could take over the writing on this strip!

    Maybe she’s writing it and the artist just didn’t get the memo. C’mon, that waitress looks like she’s being assaulted by Frankenstein’s Creature, and Mary is obviously recharging her cell phone by pressing it to her neck electrode. Next up she’ll grab the little blonde girl, call her “Maria” and toss her in the water.

  140. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#138): How are you at tongue lolling?

    On the other hand, with Mark Trail’s Doc you get pancakes after the operation.

  141. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 23rd, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#126): Oh dear—perhaps the local Santa Royale ne’er-do-wells stole the key out of the lovely Amber’s handbag? Or maybe only Bubu Chibale knows its whereabouts—and he’ll probably be in a coma until Monday at least.

    We have only two options, I believe: hope that Kelly-Welly finds an open window in the liquor cabinet or make a “missing” poster for that key, put it up in every supermarket and diner in town, and wait for Mary Worth to see it.

  142. Sequitur
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#141): Honey Bear can rip it open.

  143. seismic-2
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    I started to compose a heart-felt rant about today’s amazing collection of misery-and-ego wallows by Evans, Batiuk, and McEldowney, but my blood pressure rose to an alarming level (in spit of the 3 pills I take daily to control it), and the bile started to back up from my spleen all the way up to my tonsils, so I decided to hold off (at least until after Christmas). Instead, let me just toss candy canes and sugar plums from off the float and head out towards Josh’s liquor cabinet. I could really use several Lagavulins, after even starting to write about those 3 strips. God, they are ignominious exercises in self-adulation. Bah, humbug!

  144. greghousesgf
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

  145. Uncle Lumpy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#126):

    I hope Unca Lumpy will be entertaining us with his unique and soulful snark stylings in Josh’s absence.

    Aw, thanks — but nope, the annual tri-city Chrimukkwanzaa hiatus is designated downtime. I’ll be around to stomp teh spamz ‘n’ stuff, though.

    Oh, and did I leave the liquor cabinet unlocked? I think I did!

  146. ALee
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#8):

    Re: Retail, my dad collects stamps, so some years they are gifts here.

  147. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#145):

    Oh, and did I leave the liquor cabinet unlocked? I think I did!

    It’s a Chrimukkwanzaa miracle!

  148. Liam
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @D-nice (#70):

    It’s not normal? I take my kidnap victims out to eat all the time. Then we get stuck in a restaurant as a waitress stalls us while an elderly lady calls the cops on me.

  149. Liam
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#85):

    Are you implying that she feeds the tourists to the bear?

  150. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#120): I’ll go for bourbon n’ Christmas cookies—or that time-saver, bourbon balls.
    Friend of mine had bourbon balls once. Turns out he was drinking too much.

  151. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    hic

  152. Alison
    December 23rd, 2011 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think it’s amusing that 1) The waitress and Emily Smith have the exact same hair cut, and 2) The waitress calls Emily a “pretty girl” in the same panel that makes Emily look like an old man in the face.

  153. demoncat
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    mary desire to rescue the girl so she will be her new follower is so great that she is going after the 911 operator in anger and her violent ways.

  154. This Guy
    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    Retail: Even if more people were using the postal service, giving rolls or books of stamps is like giving someone toilet paper as a gift. Useful, sure, but… c’mon.

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#133): It’s okay. We all do.

  155. ElkMeadow
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#6): @D-nice (#70):

    Mary Worth is ripping off cruelly exploiting the kidnapping of Shasta Groene by Joseph Edward Duncan III, in Montana, 2005 I rather doubt that they will be revisiting the murder of her family member, including her also-kidnapped brother being abused, and then killed in front of her.

    Seven weeks after the kidnapping, they were in a restaurant at 1:30 a.m., when someone recognized her and had the manager call 911.

    Mr. O’Malley, you are thinking about Elizabeth Smart, and no, panhandling is not allowed in the Temple Square. Both Shasta and Elizabeth’s kidnappings included threats and sexual abuse. Elizabeth was sleep deprived and her kidnappers told her over and over again that they would kill her family members if she ran, and whenever the police tried to talk to her (which they did a number of times) either the woman was sitting next to her, her hand out of sight and pressing into Elizabeth as a warning, or the man told the police that it was against their religion to have his “daughter” questioned or the veil she wore lifted for identification. (Thank the fear of the ACLU and all the loonies devout followers of power-seeking imams who insist on their “right” to keep their faces covered for religious reasons for them not pressing the issue.)

  156. ElkMeadow
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    Shasta’s family members. The pervert killed four of them.

  157. Spotts1701
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#123): You got The Royal Guardsmen? I just loves me some “Snoopy’s Christmas”.

  158. yaoi huntress earth
    December 23rd, 2011 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: Just be glad she’s not doing porn.

  159. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 24th, 2011 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    MW – I see many here have taking to mocking our kidnapper’s technique and openly doubting his basic competence. It is easy for the misinformed to be led astray. If you knew more about the real situation, I suspect you would not be so quick to judge.

    Our kidnapper is rather new to his hobby, but is determined to do things the right way. The day after he lured young Emily into his windowless white van, enticing her away from the schoolyard with the promise of sweet candy, he sat down at the dining room table with his new houseguest, a pair of safety sissors, and the new issue of Vanity Fair (the one with a Kennedy on the cover) to compose the ransom note.

    Imagine his consternation when he discovered that the magazine’s supply of X, Z, K, and Sometimes Y was insufficient to complete the note! Surely the untimely passing of Christopher Hitchens was the culprit – his flourid prose could always be counted on to push the word count into the stratosphere. Whatever the reason, the letter was unfinished.

    So now the kidnapper’s plans are on hold. He has spent the last several weeks passing time, driving Emily aimlessly around town, lingering in the local Greasy Spoon while she colors the placemats, and rushing home several times a day to check the mailbox in the hope that the February issue has finally arrived (the one with Marilyn Monroe on the cover) and he can finally complete his ransom note.

  160. Spotts1701
    December 24th, 2011 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#158): Are we sure? Brooke teeters on the edge of Rule 34 – it wouldn’t take much to nudge him over the edge…

  161. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    MT- That’s it? We’re done? And now we have Canada Geese with green breasts? Goddammit Jackelrod!

  162. Droopy Says
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#155): I lived in Utah for over twenty years, including the years of the Smart case. Fear of imams and respect for the ACLU are not prevalent in Utah. However, the authorities are often reluctant to press any issue when the target claims to be a devout Mormon.

  163. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    MW – Seriously, if she actually called 911, they’d be there by now. WTF? This is almost as stoopid as Mark Trail!

  164. commodorejohn
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#164): Well, you have to understand, the police don’t actually normally operate within fifteen miles of Santa Royale, because Mary doesn’t want them stumbling onto any of her side operations. Even the Shootout at SantaRoyMart was only allowed to happen because Mary needed a rival taken out.

  165. Droopy Says
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: You’re telling me five people work on this strip and not one of them can come up with any good jokes?

    Mary Meddle: “You don’t understand! The girl is well-behaved and not mouthing off to the man who appears to be her father! They’re denying me an excuse to meddle!”

    Family Circus: Why is the book’s title on the back cover? Is Thel trying to sneak the Yiddish version of the story into the Keane Kompound?

    Crock: So Crock locks up his two best shots?

    Mock Trail: And so we say “Aloha” to any hope of finding out what was going on here. Fortunately for Trail, he’s arranged to let KWJB take the fall.

  166. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    Once again I’ve searched the Internet to a question that has plagued me for years. And so I turn to my fellow ‘Mudgeons for help.

    From the first I saw the 1951 version of A Christmas Carol when I was about seven or eight years old, I’ve been in love with Fred’s maid. A few years back I turned to the Internet for an answer, and while I couldn’t get an answer, I did discover that I was hardly the first or last person to fall for that unknown little vixen.

    The closest I’ve come is the conjecture on the The Dickens Blog that she was played by a young Audrey Hepburn — which the author of the blog doesn’t seem to consider as truly viable. The other name he mentions is an actress named Frances Arden, but since nothing appears to be known of her, this clue doesn’t go anywhere either.

    So — is there, by any chance, someone with a clue about this?

  167. seismic-2
    December 24th, 2011 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#166): I’m glad to learn that I’m not alone in considering that wide-eyed waif to be the unforgettable scene-stealer in this wonderful film! I always thought she bore a passing resemblance to Jean Simmons (who was already an established star at the time, of course), but I agree that Audrey Hepburn is a stronger resemblance. Either way, it’s a mighty fine way to look, and her wordless look of astonishment at Scrooge’s arrival for dinner makes that throw-away scene the emotional climax of the film. But no, I don’t have a clue who she is, either.

  168. Mibbitmaker
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#157): Through the magic of YouTube, I watched a video of the original, non-holiday song played over the air fight scene from the Holloween special before watching the Christmas special online elsewhere (said original was on the charts at Christmas, 1966). I do have the Christmas one, though.

    Not so much Singing Dogs than Singing About a Dog.

  169. Droopy Says
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#166): I checked all the obvious sources–TCM, IMDB, wiki, Aveleyman.com, some of Audrey Hepburn’s on-line sites–and nothing came up to put her in “A Christmas Carol.” It’s remotely possible; she had bit parts in several films at the time (including one with Alastair Sim, where she made her film debut as Frieda the Cigarette Girl), but it seems almost certain that her biographers would have picked up on her role as Fred’s maid. (Granted, some performers like to bury any mention of early bit parts, but this movie isn’t quite the embarrassment of, say, Geena Davis in “Transylvania 6-5000″ or Jessica Lange in “King Kong.”)

    I take it that the role was a non-speaking one. Audrey Hepburn’s voice was distinctive and would have to be dubbed over to hide her identity.

  170. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:31 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#167): Hail, fellow maid-lover! For me the quintessential moment is that little look of encouragement she gives Scrooge when he hesitates at the living room door.

    I’ve thought of Jean Simmons, too, but it’s definitely not her. And I’ve just finished watching it again about five minutes ago, and I’ll swear it’s not Audrey. That leaves either Frances Arden (about whom we know absolutely nothing) or someone else (about whom we know even less).

    I tried asking this question on BritMovie.co.uk back in 2004 (I posted as Billy Moon), and got the names of several people from the movie who, at the time, were still alive.

    Actresses Rona Anderson, Carol Marsh and Olga Edwardes (who played the niece) are all still with us. As well as George Cole and Richard Pearson, Patrick Mcnee (who plays young Jacob Marley) is also still alive. Actor Douglas Muir may still be alive.

    Legendary b/w cinematographer C.M. Pennington-Richards is still with us, as is editor Clive Donner (still working I believe), first asst director Denis O’Dell and costome [sic] designer Doris Lee.

    Before I could contact any of them, however, my wife and I moved to a different apartment, and I never got back to the matter.

    Just tonight I started looking into it again and discovered that not only does Patrick Macnee have a website, but this very question came up on his

    Guestbook

    just a few days ago. So far, however, there is no response. (There is, however, a response to a different question asked in November, so there’s hope.)

  171. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:34 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#169): Yes, she never says a word. I think she’s on camera for about 20 seconds, maybe half a minute. And I agree that had it been Audrey we would know about it. So many people apparently fell for her as I did, that it seems likely she would have admitted to it long ago. Certainly nothing to be embarrassed about. But looking at the maid’s face tonight, the nose seems too sharp, and the eyes a bit too far apart. I’m almost positive it’s not her.

  172. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#170): Uh — I’m dumb. I meant to turn the word “Guestbook” into a link, and instead put it in blockquotes. Because I’m that stupid.

  173. Mibbitmaker
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:51 am [Reply]

    CHRISTMAS EVE GIFTS FOR THE COMICS (12/24/11)

    (Archie) For Moose — a job at FedEx.

    (A3G) For LuAnn — a clue that she’s an idiot (looks like she already opened that one)

    (9CL) For the current storyline — a much-needed Solange break (not a moment too soon, I see)

    (DT) For Dick and Tess Tracy — Sally Brown’s indignant rage!

    (JP) For Officer Bob — one day’s work playing a roadside diner logo statue in Zippy the Pinhead sometime soon.

    (MT) For Kelly Welly — a new camera and fresh new film, to replace the ones that Mark T. is about to “accidently” smash to bits. Also, A much better last name!

    (PCity) For…. Aw, you stupid canine, I already gave your gift to Moose!

    (Zits) For Jeremy — a license plate, used once on the old Seinfeld show, which says “ASS-MAN” on it.

  174. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:42 am [Reply]

    JP: The very welcome first panel which shows secondary female sex characteristics, after such a long absence, is unfortunately offset by the racially-insensitive third panel in which the black cop is saying, “Yes, Mas’a.”

    Oh wait, he didn’t say that. Sorry. I was reading the facial expression and body language instead of the speech balloon. My bad.

    At least the cop’s name wasn’t Tom.

    MT: They’re not going home, you dumb Mountie! They’re flying to RCMP headquarters where Mark’s going to report you for pulling a freakin’ gun on him.

    Henry: You know what’s weird? You never hear about bathtub rings any more. It used to be a real thing at one point. Now — not so much. I think it’s because we tend more towards showers than baths these days.

    DT: Did…did she just drug his egg nog? She did, didn’t she? Tess just did a Spider and slipped Dick a roofie! What the?! And it’s such a nice domestic scene, too.

    Could this be the end of … Dick Tracy?

    Of course, it could just be nutmeg.

  175. Mr. O'Malley
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    It’s hard to believe that XKCD and Pluggers are doing the same joke. XKCD adds another dimension to it.

  176. Cafangdra
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:19 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#155):

    I’m glad you mentioned this, because I felt compelled but really didn’t want to. (Oh wait, except here I am commenting.)

    The details are way, way too close to be a coincidence.

    Except in real life it was a goddamn heroic diner waitress who recognized Shasta, came up with the stall-her-captor-by-giving-her-an-adult-sized-milkshake idea, and arranged to have the police called.

    Horrible story, and I’m genuinely appalled to see it exploited in a newspaper comic.

  177. yaoi huntress earth
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:38 am [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#160): But who’d want to see him try to draw vaginas? The sex scenes in Pibgorn look bad enough.

  178. Little A.
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#165): BB: Which one is responsible for the lousy drawing?

  179. Little A.
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Agnes: This strip is not commented-upon much here. It’s one of my favorites, and this week’s series is very good, and today’s, very touching. Take a look at it. It depicts REAL Christmas spirit, and not some stupid joke or terrible pun.

  180. ArchieNemesis
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    I thought Mary Worth had the edge, but it looks like Spiderman might take the prize for most jarring transition from a violent storyline in progress, to warm and fuzzy Christmas wishes.

  181. Swordsmith
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    MW: That second panel is the best piece of drawing I’ve ever seen in this strip. Mary looks human and almost attractive. Of course she utterly fails to look even middle aged. And of course her phone hand, nearer the “camera”, is tiny all out of proportion, and her “batman magic nobody can hear me if I do this and I totally don’t look like I’m trying to conceal anything from a kidnapper who would naturally be on edge” hand, further from the camera, is huge out of all proportion. But what I’m saying is, given the very very low bar of all other drawing for this strip, fantastic job!

  182. Liam
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    MW-No, not her hair. You’ re right ma’ am this does sound like an emergency we shall send a squad car over right now.

    MT-Don’t you mean develop the pictures? I figured this comic is so far behind technological that they still used film for the cameras.

    Love Is-Taking family pictures that only you can show to very few people.

    A3G-LuAnn, the only love you shall have in your life is the ghost of your dead husband.

  183. Jimbo
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    You know what you ought to do, Kelly, to really make a name for yourself in the wildlife photography business? You ought to take pictures of those GIANT, GREEN-BREASTED CANADA GEESE that have NEVER BEFORE BEEN SEEN BY MANKIND!!

    Well, that’s the end of that stupid Mark Trail adventure? I guess we as readers are supposed to take Mother McQueen’s word for it that nobody has worked the mine since her husband died and two and only two birds have ever been banded.

    Surely the next story will live up to the excitement of senators having heart attacks requiring transport by canoe to the hospital. Perhaps it will be as pulse-pounding as rescuing a pet raccoon that had been chained to a log. Hopefully it will prove as thrilling as Mark Trail being shot in the head by a diamond smuggler dressed like someone from an Erica Jong novel and stranded on a drug-dealer’s private tropical island with coffee-and-sandwich-cooking expert, Lonnie.

    Maybe, even, just maybe, Mark will change out of his magenta-colored shirt.

    But I doubt it.

  184. Mibbitmaker
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    ReFOOB: Oh, just what the comics need — another “Specialest Snowflake”!

    FW: From Crankshaft?

    GT:
    “Uh… Coach…?”
    “Wh– what?”
    “Who were you talking to just n—”
    “Nothing!”
    “It’s like your head was lost in the stars or som—”
    “Nothing!”

    Marvin: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    Ziggy: “My hovercraft is full of eels.”

  185. seismic-2
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#166): Another actress whom I had considered it might be is Jean Marsh. However, IMDB lists her first credit as a made-for-TV movie in 1952, so I suppose her career started one year too late for it to be she. I suppose we shall therefore have to credit the performance to Frances Arden, whoever that may be. She should have become a star! Perhaps the reason that she didn’t was that maybe she had a terrible speaking voice? We shall never know, alas…

  186. Cloudbuster
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    FW: “I’m making a list and chicken it twice!” What … what does that even mean? Why is it supposed to be funny? He’ used that malapropism twice now, so it must be hilarious, but I’m just not getting it. Oh, wait, he used the “So I can say I helped with the delivery” joke twice, too. That wasn’t funny and I got that one.

    A3G: Wow, I’d forgotten all about the fortune teller. Are they really saying the whole thing with Paul goes back to her trying to fulfull her own fortune? You know … if she went around doing shit that stupid back when she was in South Dakota, or wherever it was, it’s really no wonder her family hates her. Monumental stupidity gets old really quick.

  187. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    JP: Panel 3: Officer Bob likes underage tatas.

  188. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    FC: How much do you want to bet when this one first ran Dolly said that Joseph should have just use that telegraph that nice Mr. Morse invented.

  189. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    GT: And when we pick up Monday the ACLU is suing the Milford School District because of Gil’s Merry Christmas announcement during the game.

  190. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Love Ain’t: Actually it’s not that much of a secret, Loretta.

  191. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Curtis: In a couple of years it will be: “Stop wiggling, Curtis.” “I can’t, I’m thinking about Michelle.”

  192. Hibbleton
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Marm: That’s so cute. She thinks the kid in Marmaduke’s belly is still alive and in one piece.

  193. Hank
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    I love Sally Forth as much as anyone, but I’m more than a little disappointed that the authors have fallen into the “all main characters are baby boomers” trap. I base this on the comment from one of the parents about “the war” with the implication that said war was WWII. Technically, at this point, Ted and Sally’s parents should be the boomers and any reference to a war should be Vietnam. So the way the conversation was structured (which side were you on) it would only work if one of the participants were Asian.

  194. Swordsmith
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    A3G: I see it all now, Ruby is trying to Turn LuAnn. She set up the fake fortune teller with her line, then sabotaged Paul by sending a misleading note to his father while simultaneously sending a poorly faked “announcement of death” to LuAnn, breaking up the heterosexual romance. Now LuAnn is perfectly poised to be introduced to love of quite another shape, which she will see as the fulfillment of the “beyond any she had known” prophecy.

    Later when Ruby breaks up with LuAnn at the insistence of Margo, all she will tell her will be “It’s quite beyond my control.”

    What, you didn’t think Ruby actually dreamed up anything this Machiavellian, did you?

  195. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    RMMD – The second and third panels are creeping me out today. The ‘camera’ angle in Panel 2 is straight out of porn (or a Britney Spears video, which stole the trope from porn). The young, scantily-clad woman looks up submissively. She is wearing restraints, and apologizing to an authority figure for doing something wrong. “I’m not usually this stupid. I guess I just lost my head. Sometimes I do naughty things, and I don’t know why. Do you think I should be punished, Miss Morgan?”

    Then we cut to panel three, in which creepy widdle Sarah reminds us that she is really a 40-something little person in a car seat. I imagine her speaking with the voice of one of the bailiffs from Night Court, and everyone else in the car shuddering. “Nikki thinks you are something speeeeeecial! >cough! cough!< Man, I think the whole lung came up with that one."

  196. TheDiva
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: Oh yeah, there was a psychic involved in this somewhere in the mists of the past, wasn’t there?

    C’shaft: Dammit, now what are you going to use for a New Year’s Eve joke, huh?

    FW: It’s funny because…no, even the spirit of Christmas can’t make me pretend this is funny for any reason.

    Luann: Tepid romance–the true reason for the season!

    Marvin: And thus Marvin’s career in politics is assured. (Insert your own “full of shit” joke here.)

    MW: “He cut her hair? Why didn’t you tell us about this earlier, lady? We’ll have a SWAT team mobilized immediately!”

  197. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Hank (#193):

    I read it that way at first, too. But both of them are drawn as older, British gentlemen, so it makes no sense for them to ask each other what side they are on.

    The wars since WWII, on the other hand, have been very divisive to Americans, enough so that it would make sense to ask another American which side they were on – not which side they served on, but whether they supported the war or not. And such a question would of course serve to make a gathering like the Forth’s Christmas even more awkward and uncomfortable.

  198. John C Fremont
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#166): @seismic-2 (#167): Wow! I thought I was alone in my obsession. (No way she’s Audrey Hepburn, btw.) That’s the absolute best part of the movie. Second best is the scene that makes me shout, “Hey, that’s John Steed!” every single time I see it. Every. Single. Time.

    Oh, and that Alistair Sim guy is pretty good, too.

    But getting back to the maid, I just need to say that I saw her first!

    (Damn, that’s a great movie! Right up there with the Magoo version. That “Hand For Each Hand” song gets me every time. Plus, Magoo had the bestest Spirit Of Christmas Yet To Come ever!) (Sorry, I got off track. But the point is, it’s a beard.) (Quick, name that last reference, kids!)

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#174): That’s actually Dick’s Po-jama People hands slipping the roofie. (I’ll bet Dick’s got some cozy little footies on his mind. And roofie sex.) Since Tess is wearing nothing but a toga, I’m pretty sure the roofie is not needed… but yeah, my first thought was about Lonnie “Spider” Webb, too.

    Still, that final panel made me go “Aww.”

    I wish Lizz would wear a toga.

    Also, “One Size Fits All” is remains Zappa’s best album ever. There. I said it. I’d say it again.

    Also some more, after all my less-than-subtle hints to my family, there’d sure better be a MST3K Gamera box set under that damned artificial tree this year.

  199. seismic-2
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    S4: I must have missed something – I saw Jackie arrive and embrace Sally, but where did Ralph come from???

  200. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    9CL: Edda, flashing her pussy.

    IP: so THAT is why he doesn’t show his eyes!

    SBp: not the first time I’ve seen this gag, but it’s still well done.

    Zits: o MY!

    DT: d’awwwwwww.

    JP: boobies.

    MT: color monkey mega/fail.

    PMP: compensated dating.

    OBH: HAR!

    RwO: *gigglez*

  201. wossname
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    A3G – Aha, so this whole fiasco was the psychic’s fault! Glad to know it wasn’t caused by Lu Ann being passive and stupid, or by Paul being culty and controlling.

    Lio – Cousin Bubbles has got to be the most frightening child in the comics.

    MT – How long is it going to take in our time for Kelly to go into the darkroom, fire up the photographic chemicals, and discover that the roll of film is missing from the camera? Or does she take her film to the Rexall Drugstore to be developed?

    Archie – original version: Moose wanted a record-player.
    FC – original version: Joseph should have rung up Gladys the operator, told her he wanted to make a long distance call, and reserved a room.

  202. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    you’ll have to track them down yourselves, but ICHC has a cute pair of videos, one of a fennec freaking out, and another of a tub full of baby otters. SQWEEEE!

    Crankshaft in Baka Gaijin’s nightmares. (NSFBG, obviously)

    Dexter the early years. (plus obligitory ‘they didn’t wear homecoming dresses like that when I was in high school!’)

    WANT!

    in Ted Forth’s dreams.

    Memetic Mutation. *boggles* and Memetic Mutation WIN!!!

    for those who were looking for the keys to the liquor cabinet.

    This is why bb,u doesn’t grade after consuming bourbon.

    lolsnark,

  203. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    and squee!

    Tiger Mom.

    Inspired by Calvin & Hobbes.

    sleepy ocelittle.

    corgi fashion shoot.

  204. odinthor
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Ballard Street. — The clicking you hear right now is this cartoon being placed on thousands of fridges.

    BeBa. — I don’t think that reindeer say “Mooo”; but I suppose if you’re a sergeant wearing antlers pulling a sleigh bearing six people and a dog, you can say whatever you want.

    GT. — Gaah! Gil’s eyes are staring straight into my soul . . . following me wherever I go in the room . . . preventing me from saying something snarky about his missing kids . . . must obey . . . yes, master, am going to get you a mug of super-spiked egg nog . . . flies and spiders for me, master, flies and spiders . . .

    H&L. — Unspeakable filth.

    Lockhorns. — Look, Loretta—just be happy Leroy isn’t giving him those long-unused lacy split-crotch panties from your honeymoon.

    Love Is . . . — . . . Taking pictures that nobody will ever want to look at!

    Luann. — Parental Love Is . . . Being unaware that what puts a smile on the kids’ faces is not being with you but rather thinking about people they want to have sex with!

    RMMD. — Nobody noticed that when Serra Sara Sarah said that Kelly was special to Niki, Rex blanched and pursed his lips. “Niki . . . my Niki . . ., “ he whispered to himself. And a part of him shriveled died.

  205. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#202): Ohmygoodness—that had me laughing out loud!

    Well, on a day when the comics go from touching (Agnes) to asshattery (Mark Trail and his smug destruction of Kelly’s professional work), with a whole lotta dopey in between, I’ll wish all my fellow ‘mudgeons a merry Christmas—and thank you all for a full year’s worth of snark, laughs, squee, insights, factoids, and awe of your wit and brilliance. You all are some of my favorite people on the internet!

  206. Here Come ole Flattop
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#193): Well, not really. If you were around during those times, you’ll remember that American society was very, very polarized about “which side you were on.” So, I’m willing to give them a pass on it.

  207. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Non Sequitur (Dec 19-24, 2011): Worst. Comic. Strip. Christmas. Poem. Ever.

  208. Shrug
    December 24th, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#184):

    “ReFOOB: Oh, just what the comics need — another “Specialest Snowflake”!”

    She calls her “Gamma” because the previous two actresses, Alpha and Beta, quit rather than put up with the FOOB kids any more.

  209. Shrug
    December 24th, 2011 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#200):

    “9CL: Edda, flashing her pussy.”

    Actually, my first thought was “Hey, her balls dropped — well, one of them anyway — so now her voice will be changing?”

    But I was going to take the high road and not actually post it, until I saw your comment. . .

  210. Edward F. Rochester
    December 24th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    AGNES: Am I the only one who thinks that today’s Agnes is particularly wonderful and touching, or is this blog reserved for snears and comlplainst?! Merry Christmas, everybody!

  211. bats :[
    December 24th, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#165): re BB: my thought exactly.

    @Jimbo (#183): at least I have my Comics Curmudgeon bird band to remember this epic by.

  212. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Edward F. Rochester (#210): While snark seems to dominate, praise for certain comics do make their way here from time to time. So praise away! No penalty.

    Have I mentioned how much I like Crock? No? Okay.

  213. FOOBed again
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#193): Ted and Sally are Gen-X’ers and were in college in the late 1980′s. There was a story about it a few years back, about how they got together, and they were talking about 80′s cultural icons and were wearing late 80′s styles. I think Ces Marchiuliano rebooted their generation when he took over, probably because he thought the ages were unfeasible if Sally and Ted remained Boomers like they were when the strip started in the 1980′s.

    Ralph was always older than Sally (and even older than Jackie), and is probably almost as old as the parents. They’d all be Boomers, born in the mid-1940′s (maybe late 1940′s or 1950′s for Ralph), so they’re probably talking about the Vietnam War.

  214. FOOBed again
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    Sheesh, I meant “the late 1940′s or 1950 for Ralph.”

  215. FOOBed again
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Then I put the quotation marks in the wrong place in my correction! Should have gone after 1950. Aaarrgh!

  216. This Guy
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Edward F. Rochester (#210): You’re not the only one.

  217. Liam
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD-I think Niki is special too but he is more like a friend than someone I want a serious relationship with.

  218. Spotts1701
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#207): “An anvil? Aw, Wiley you shouldn’t have. No, I mean you really shouldn’t have!”

  219. Pseudo3D
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “I’m on dope”, you say?

    BB: The staff at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries says hello.

    DT: DT today is like 9CL, except in better taste. And they are married, after all.

    DtM: Unfortunately.

    Spider-Man: O-kay. Comic Book Time again, I see.

    Marvin/Zits: AUGH!

    H&L: Please, I don’t really know what you do in the bedroom together, and having Santa involved is just too disgusting.

    MW: Subdued? All we saw was Cro-Magnon Guy drag her along, and she’s obviously eating with both hands, and smiled when the waittress offered her ice cream.

    Curtis: If they miss the Kwanzaa storyline this year, then I’m gonna…

    GT: Obviously, Gil is trying to be more [i]fabulous[/i] then Lini!

  220. Pseudo3D
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#219): Curse you different coding for websites! That was supposed to be fabulous, not with brackets.

  221. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    DtM: They got the wrong caption. Dennis should be saying, “Hey, Joey! Remember when we used to be menacing?”

  222. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#Y172): I had to take a rather rushed holiday to another undisclosed location. There were huge footprints and seltzer water outside the house earlier this week. I think they were huge footprints and seltzer water. Maybe someone slid in the muck and splashed Perrier around. I don’t know. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Had I a “How to Determine if You’re about to be Invaded by Clowns” list Approved by Mary Worth©, I would have stuck around.

  223. bats :[
    December 24th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    I really do have to put Agnes on my read list — today’s was very sweet.

  224. Alter Ego
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – If you’re going to go to all the trouble of arranging a completely gratuitous down-the-shirt view, don’t waste it on a character with no cleavage.

  225. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#222): The old “slid in the muck and splashed Perrier around” trick.

  226. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#224): some of us happen to *like* minimal-cleavage downblouse shots. (of course, Kelly is supposed to be 14, not the 21ish that she’s been drawn as.)

    “I’m not legal, I’m just drawn that way.”

  227. Hank
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#213): I understand what you, and a couple other posters are saying, but I’ve never heard any boomer discuss Vietnam that way. Maybe “what side were you on OVER the war,” but never “during the war.” That implies fighting in an army.

  228. Hank
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    As @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#226): I’m still gobsmacked that Spider was right. Really all she needed was some air.

  229. Hank
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#214): Charlie Brown’s class was assigned a book report over Christmas break. It’s one of the more famous sequences in the strip’s history and was even loosely adapted into a song for “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown.”

  230. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    SlyFx: Okay. I’m bamboozled. Both my wife and I could not find any differences in the three images. All I can figure is that elephant #3 farted.

  231. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS 5466, if anyone was wondering.

  232. Comcis Fan
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    S4th: No room for Faye at the inn?

  233. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    next, on the Food Network.

    somehow, this reminds me of the Forths more than Arlo&Janis:

    “(Me and my uncle walking through a park he’s 23 and I’m 17.)
    Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That’s where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
    Me: I didn’t need to know that.
    Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
    Me: Wow… So many laws broken, that’s true love right there…” (from Parenting Fails)

  234. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @Edward F. Rochester (#210): “is this blog reserved for snears and complaints?! ”

    Nope. I try to say nice things on a regular basis, MasterSoftheart specializes in it, and many posters give credit where credit is due. Agnes is a strip that often is the recipient of such credit, if not as often as CdS and PBS, or MyCage when it was running.

  235. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Happy Holidays, everybody!

    nose licks, puppy breath, tummy rubs, and/or small batch booze of choice for all!

  236. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Evil Inc: Note to Brad Guigar: There isn’t a “town of Lorraine, France”. Lorraine is a region, formerly a province, of France. In 1429, it wasn’t even part of France, but a duchy and one of the states of the Holy Roman Empire. Lorraine, and neighboring Alsace, have passed between German and French control many times in the last few centuries.

    It’s a shame, because I was really getting in to this story about an evil organization of costumed adventurers with superpowers stealing a giant ruby invested with astounding magic powers. So far, so good. Then you make this stupid geographical error, and my suspension of disbelief is totally blown. Bummer!

  237. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#234): Not to mention Crock.

    Oops. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

  238. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#YY203): “The book didn’t say where it was. The story takes place in England with English characters. The author is American. I think it must really be Baka Gaijin.” According to the Queen, I must respond. Did one note not a clown or harlequin anywhere in the tome? Coincidence? I think not.

    The rules of the Marquess of Queensbury state I must make this an informative post. The city’s name, Phuket, is pronounced almost like “bucket,” as in “I has a…” or where Gil Thorp’s team goes to let off steam in a totally not homosexual way.

  239. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#238): Catching up are we?

  240. FOOBed again
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#227): I never have either, but I stand by my statement that Sally & Ted are Gen-X and their parents are Boomers.

  241. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#238): By the way, I’m almost finished with the book and there’s nary a clown to be found with no reason to expect one to pop up at this point. This is one clown-free mystery. It’s also very well written so if you wrote it, congrats.

  242. FOOBed again
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#240): Sorry, that sounded kind of harsh. I meant I believe that because there was a sequence showing Sally & Ted meeting in college in the late 1980s.

  243. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#239): It takes time to get Internet set up at undisclosed locations during the holidays.

    @FOOBed again (#240): You say “boomers,” I say “Pluggers.” Could those people be more miserable? No matter how they try to say otherwise, mind-numbing misery is practically the definition of a Plugger. Or was that Funky Winkerbean?

    @Sequitur (#241): I hate those pop-up clowns. I hate the clowns that don’t pop up, too, unless they’re six feet under. Under concrete mixed with depleted uranium.

  244. Zerowolf
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#200): “Edda, flashing her pussy” Channeling your inner Mrs. Slocombe?

  245. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#243): I don’t expect you to look at this but I wanted to include an example of a scary evil pop-up clown.

  246. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#245): Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas.

  247. Uncle Lumpy
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    FYI, the total number of comments accumulated on The Comics Curmudgeon just passed 498,000. Because of the way the database works, “comment number” isn’t a fixed value — the total drops, for example, when old spam gets cleared out.

    But it’s a fair bet that CC will cross half a million comments sometime during the first week of 2012.

  248. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#245): Why do they make those things? Just because we can, doesn’t mean that we should. It’s like making a pre-salmonella’d hot dogs or razor-sharp Doritos. No reason for existence for any of those.

    @Sequitur (#246): Right back at ya!

  249. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    OK. Josh is on holiday until the New Year. Will this be a millenia-comment thread?

    Gratuitous picture of Jeffy getting ready to lick a hairy Turd on a Stick™ .

  250. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#249): i.e. Turd on a Stick™: Just because we can make something doesn’t mean we should.

    Really.

  251. Poteet
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    I’m currently in a portion of Euclidian space-time where posting is difficult, but I’m dropping in to say Happy Barely-Post Solstice to all and hooray for the funny floaters, especially Ed Dravecky!

  252. bats :[
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#249): it never gets old, particularly when it involves clueless little Jeffy.

  253. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#250): Seconded.

    @bats :[ (#252): Some things are classic and entertain through subsequent generations. “The Barber of Seville,” the five tones from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” and Jeffy doing something stupid.

  254. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#253): Let’s see…

    Barber of Seville – Classic – like

    Close Encounters of the Third Kind – Classic – like

    Jeffy doing something stupid – Classic? – hmmm.

  255. Baka Gaijin
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#254): Point to ponder: the hairy poop is from about 3 years ago. I laughed when I saw it tonight just as heartily as when I first saw it. I’m sure if I see this 10, 20, or 50 years from now, it’ll be just as entertaining.

  256. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 24th, 2011 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    [[This is Muffaroo! I've been abducted. I seem to be in a house full of my wife's family. I'll continue my quiet attempts at escape. In the meanwhile, I have no time to read the CC, and may not for some time. Just so you don't have to do without your daily [OM]M, here’s some random comics which may or may not duplicate the brilliant work being done by the rest of you. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THEM!]]

    9 – holy god Ruby’s coming on to Lu Ann

    Dennis – It’s funny because the Darkgate has a note underneath that says “This comic changed 19 hours and 25 minutes ago,” and it’s at least four decades off!

    Gil – That guy’s name is Putnam Vo-Tech? Well, I can see his future pretty clearly.

  257. UncleJeff
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    GT: Not even a “real” Christmas card this year.
    Just ol’ Gil giving us a “by the way Merry Christmas now ‘scuse me while I get back to something important.”
    Once again, no kids. And this year, not even a Mrs. Coach Thorp.
    Was there a lockout at Milford Inc. that we weren’t told of?

    Oh well…..may your Christmas be filled with singing Mudlarks, bleating Scapegoats, succulent salmon squares, the fellowship of friends like Ray and BD, the wonder of a Petey Otterloop and Agnes and not a Winkerbean in sight (or at least enough of a glimpse of Wally Winkerbean to give you a chance to run for cover).

    God bless us everyone.

  258. Sequitur
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#256): Get this guy and you’re home free.

  259. Cloudbuster
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#187): I know Sophie and April are nearly identical, but that’s April and her tatas are of legal age. They may however be banned as weapons of mass destruction in several states.

  260. commodorejohn
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Blah, wee-hours departure + longish flight = late, late snark.

    DTM – No. No, I can’t, yet here you twits are anyway.

    DT – …I have just heard Sally Brown’s pet name for Linus used in an adult context. To quote Crow T. Robot, “my loins will never stir again.”

    FC – For this, Dolly is condemned to be cast back into a Paleolithic hunter/gatherer society to fend for herself amidst hostile hominids and ravenous megafauna. This I decree!

    GT – Saturday night fever, baby!

    JP – Yow! She put on her best ticket-evading breasts for the occasion.

    MT – So for those complaining that Johnny Malotte doesn’t get enough lines in this story, he does at least get to utter the rather singular phrase, “(scribble waveform) 12-24 (scribble waveform).” (Is he the voice of a Quebecois number station?)

    MW – “I think he cut her hair! That’s the worst kind of kidnapping!” Jeez, how much longer can this go on before Mary’s eyeballs pop right out of her skull?

    Phantom – “Uh, Mr. Crime Lord? We’re right here.

    RMMD – Why is Sarah in a car seat? Shouldn’t she have engineered gravitonic passenger restraints by now?

    SF – Ahh, yes.

    SM – Merry Christmas, Thor is over!

    Ziggy – “Your birdbath ees full off squirrels! Ah, your birdbath ees full off squirrels! I weel not buy this record, eet ees scretched.”

  261. Thibault
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    9CL: So…Edda is doing her porn contractually obligated photo shoot and Solange is right there, the pussy beneath her pussy. Is there anywhere she doesn’t take this cat?

  262. The Ghost of Saint Lisa
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    Ho

  263. The Ghost of Summer\'s ACL
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Ho

  264. The Ghost of Cayla's Ethnicity
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    Ho!

  265. wossname
    December 24th, 2011 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#247): Should that be interpreted as encouragement to post a lot? Just think how cool it would be if the blog reached the half million mark at midnight on New Year’s Eve, hmmm?

  266. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    Poop and Circumstance:

    Ballard Street — Feh, it could be worse. At least she’s paper-trained.

    Crock — I see the new writer has decided to class up this strip by adding a couple of shit-flinging chimpanzees to the cast.

  267. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

  268. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#258): You’ve brought back a memory. I was at a funeral, and we had a bagpiper in full dress kilt. After that, we went to a buffet for the wake, and I was taking pictures. There was a moment when the bagpiper was playing his pipes next to the salad bar, and by him was a guy in a suit trying to talk on his cell phone. As I say, my camera was in my hand, and I did not take that picture. I might as well have been holding a rubber chicken.

  269. Pseudo3D
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#265): Let’s just go for 1000 comments before the next, like last year. And before 2012, too!

  270. Uncle Lumpy
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#265):

    Should that be interpreted as encouragement to post a lot?

    I report; you decide.

  271. Les Moore
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    It’s Christmas Eve, and let me confess. I suck. I am a sad, lonely man, who scrapes by on “book tours”. My book isn’t really selling as well as I thought. I’m simply a teacher, not a very good one at that, who moonlights as a hack writer. I ought to die alone in a hole. You were all right, guys, you were right.

  272. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    Touched by an Agnes — Granny seems particularly “Della Reesesque” today!

  273. mr12ozcan
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#90): merry xmas bourban babe the only person who responds to my posts and fellow andy fan much bourban and anchovie dishes to you in 2012

  274. commodorejohn
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore (#271): Bravo, sir, for this moment of lucidity! Hurry, while it’s still upon you, go and ask Susan! I’m sure she has all kinds of great tips on ensuring a proper demise for oneself!

  275. Ouish
    December 24th, 2011 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    OMG Spiderman! There’s going to be an epic battle between Thor and Jesus! Or maybe Thor’s just going to deliver a beat-down on Hagar’s Christianized in-laws.

  276. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Hey, way to go, Jeremy! You’ve transformed yourself into a 21st century Benny Hill gag.

    S-M: Something tells me that “just in time for Christmas” caption was shoehorned in after they learned what date the strip would be running. On the other hand, a pagan god kicking Spidey’s ass isn’t a terrible Christmas present.

    SSmith: Looks like the parson and the doctor who may or may not be Silas are a little closer to exclaiming their forbidden love.

    DtM: Poor Joey, stuck on the wrong side of a literalized metaphor again.

    Blondie: If all Dithers’ nightmares involve him being annoyed by holiday cheer, my heart isn’t really going out to him.

    9CL: There’s a single ball hanging from the mouth of a pussycat. Is Brooke trying to tell us that Edda is really a young Jamie Lee Curtis?

    JP: It’s so rare for anything good in this strip to happen to anyone not named Parker, Spencer, or Driver. So I’m just going to take a minute and feel happy for Bob, as he goes back to the squad car to enjoy his Krispy Kreme hot cocoa.

    Agnes: Now that’s pretty sweet.

    RMMD: “Mrs Morgan? I think that roofie is still messing me up. I just heard Linda Hunt giving me advice from a booster seat.”

    Popeye: If Olive is holding out for more money, or at least for Brutus to clean the Dinty Moore stew out of his beard, she’s smarter than she looks.

    Marvin: Hey, all Marvin needs to do is keep his bribery skills up and he could have a future as a real estate developer.

    Crock: Obviously they’re being punished for violating the laws of physics and/or artistic perspective. But the Doctor may be happy to find out he’s not the last Time Lord after all.

    BB: What’s more disturbing? Beetle and Sarge indulging in reindeer play in front of the whole unit? Or the fact that it apparently takes half a dozen people to put Beetle Bailey together?

    Phantom: “And yet still I somehow feel like I’m not being evil enough. How can I take it up a notch? I know! Chang, I order you to fluff out that mullet.”

  277. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#236): Is it possible Guigar is referring to a fictional French town called “Lorraine”? Hey Brad, I’m giving you an out here.

  278. Comcis Fan
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#247):

    And thus will commence the apocolypse?

  279. Comcis Fan
    December 24th, 2011 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#240):

    Sally and Ted started as Baby Boomers, morphed into Gen Xers, and no doubt will be Millenials in a few years. I am a “tail-end” Boomer/Gen Joneser, and once upon a time Sally and Ted were older than I. Now I’m older (which is less disturbing than being older than Rob and Laura Petrie or even Edith Bunker).

    The strip started in 1982 and Sally and Ted were already out of college and married, with Hilary, I presume. Hilary really should be around 40 herself by now.

  280. Droopy Says
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#278): Or the Apostalypse?

  281. capt k'nukles
    December 24th, 2011 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    first post ever,i’m not funny like most u’all ,just want to help half mill post merry xmass

  282. kkarenb
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#279): You think being older than Rob and Laura Petrie is disturbing? The last time I watched “The Graduate,” I thought Mrs. Robinson looked really young.

  283. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    @true religion jeans (#282): thanks for your sharing

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS JEANS!!!

  284. seismic-2
    December 24th, 2011 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#282): Actually, she was really young – in 1967 Anne Bancroft was only 35 years old (and Dustin Hoffman was 30, so there was in reality only a 5-year age difference between them!). On stage, of course, the role of “Mrs. Robinson” is usually played by an actress who is a decade or more older than Anne Bancroft was in real life when she made the movie.

  285. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    I just noticed that our diner waitress (here, in case you forgot) looks a bit like Aldo, sans moustache (and different gender). What could this mean? Is it the reincarnation of Aldo?

  286. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    Congrats, all!

  287. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#284): Quite right. Part of the small age difference was that Dustin Hoffman is older than his character is written. Plenty of people graduate college at 30 or much older, but all signs point to Benjamin Braddock being in his early 20s. But Bancroft is also supposed to be the mother of Katharine Ross, who’s only nine years younger. That would be one fertile family.

  288. ElkMeadow
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:48 am [Reply]

  289. Droopy Says
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    The amusing Spiderman: By Easter, when this arc starts to wind down, will anyone remember that something bad will happen if Thor loses his grip on his hammer?

    Mock Trail: It’s Christmas. Once, just once, can’t Trail get through a day without boldface and exclamation points?

    Slylock Fox: Feeding time? Hah, I say! Slylock Fox is an unwitting accomplice in a complex escape plan! The monkey will toss banana peels under Slylock’s feet, and when he lies helpless on the ground the panda will use the bamboo as a blow gun to shoot Slylock with those tsetse flies.

    Prince Valiant: Things really blow in Illwynde.

  290. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#277): Oh, right! Next thing, you’ll suggest that the magic ruby is fictional too. C’mon, I wasn’t born yesterday, or even since Barney Google disappeared, 5467 days ago, y’know.

  291. This Guy
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#279): Other strips use floating timelines, but I can’t think of another one where the parents are nearly as obsessed with pop-cultural nostalgia as Ted is. That’s what really makes the timeline jiggery-pokery stand out in Sally Forth.

  292. FOOBed again
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#279): I know, it’s so weird to now be older than some of the comic strip characters I followed when I was younger.

  293. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#290):

    That’s almost fifteen years!

  294. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#247): For those of you struggling to keep track of Uncle Lumpy’s numbers, or trying to figure the cube root of the number of days Barney has been AWOL (17.62), http://www.thinkgeek.com is selling brand new slide rules for $6.98. These appear to be almost perfect replicas of the Pickett model 120 “Trainer”, down to and including the box, except they have the “ThinkGeek” brand name on them. Pretty cool. I was wrong when I said no one manufactures non-circular general purpose slide rules anymore.

  295. Ukulele Ike
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#288): That is one whopper of a Golem.

    I was hoping for one more Paul Wegener-sized.

  296. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:25 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#293): Yes, I confess I AM more than fifteen years old. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

  297. Droopy Says
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: It’s a Solange Sunday.

  298. Comcis Fan
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    MW: Christmas, a time to pour maple syrup on burritos, a time to enjoy the culinary delights of unidentified brown squares and unidentified brown ovals. If nothing else, the holidays are a time to welcome an unsuspecting orange-haired young man to the table and share that which connects us, stomach cramps. Merry Christmas!

  299. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:04 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas, everybody!

  300. ElkMeadow
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    AWESOME!!! Pearls Before Swine’s salute to heaven-bound Bil Keane!

    I expected Dick Tracy’s holiday for the homeless, and Mary Worth is a rerun from Thanksgiving. Rex Morgan has a great tribute to the homecoming military, which I hope isn’t the start of the next story line, just ’cause I’m tired of Batuik’s exploitation.

    I was hoping for another nice Prince Valiant holiday greeting, like last year’s, but seeing lovely Winnie again and the golem, which is stomping around like an oversized teddy bear is a gift enough for me! (it’s the great golem, Charlus Brunnea!)

    Merry Christmas!

  301. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#294): I was reading in an engineering magazine that there is an unidentified valley in Canada where linear slide rules are produced one or two at a time in a cave behind a waterfall by an old man/lady who gathers the raw materials using a tame bear, notifies her Mountie son (who is very popular in the community) using notes attached to dog collars, and then dispatches them to the USA by attaching them to the legs of geese.

    I so much wish the magazine had told me where this slide-rule factory is located so that I could order one, but the article said they are now in fact actively discouraging business, to the extent of deploying villainous wolves to keep customers away. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to chaining my raccoon to a log scale.

    Happy Christmas, everyone!!!

  302. Baka Gaijin
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:05 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#258): Your previous link about the evil incarnate would scare everyone off. I know I was scared just reading your description of the link.

    @Pseudo3D (#285): That is a “separated at birth.”

    @Comcis Fan (#298): I was wondering about that. Salmon squares aren’t that color.

  303. Mr. O'Malley
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    Zits: Rhyme for “orthodontist”? How about “Pocahontas”? It’s close!

  304. True Fable
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    I must admit, today’s Pearls teared me up a little. RMMD finished the job.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Goat, y’all!

  305. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#285): It’s Aldo’s niece, Aldorina. (Her father was also a big fan of “World of Warcraft”!)

  306. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Dog Eat Doug — Nice lead-in to the 2011 Doctor Who Christmas special!

  307. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas fellow mudgies. Now let’s go down to Mary’s for some delicious square burnt ornage colored things dripping in orange-brown sauce.

  308. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#290): What do you mean, Barney Google’s right there in the last panel. He’s under the Christmas tree next to Bullet.

  309. John C Fremont
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it! Happy December 25th to everyone else!

    My son’s fiance (or fiancee – I never could remember which was which) came over from Japan for the holidays and got up extra early to experience The Stuffing Of The Turkey. Apparently, this practice is seen as bizarre at best & barbaric at worst in some parts of our ginormous planet. Of course, my comparing it to a visit to a gynecologist & adding the turkey’s running commentary on the proceedings did not help. My son decided to commit some of the jocularity to video. I hope it doesn’t show up on Pacebook, just like Mayor Dalton’s prostate.

    PV – I guess size does matter after all.

    (Love that third panel!)

  310. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#307): Okay, you bring the potato-ade. And I’ll bring a bag of oranges from Floriduh!

  311. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas to all!

    I was expecting a bunch of boring sanctimonious comics, but there was actually some gold there: CdS was wonderful, of course; BRockit and DogEatDoug* were funny; DT, BGSS, PBS, RMMD were sweet and even Crankshaft was OK – I liked the fact that they invited the construction guys in for dinner. Predictably, JP was stupid, MT was stupider, and MW was stupidest. (And WTF is that glop Mary is cooking? Grilled cheese sandwiches with gravy?)

    *Dr. Who fans should check it out if you don’t normally see this one.

    Slylock should worry less about the menu, and more about the fact that three of the four prisoners can easily fit between the bars. Jailbreak, anyone?

    @Pseudo3D (#269): 1000 comments should be easy, since we normally have more than 200 per day. We’ve already got 300+, with a week to go (til New Year’s) – another 1700 isn’t out of the question at all.

  312. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Christmas Snark!

    JP: I’m not sure I want to trust you, given the stunts you pulled this year. Sophie has been a very, very, bad little girl and will not get presents this time.

    Luann: tries to hide her selfishness by feigning love and appreciation.

    MW: And little Emily is NOT rescued before Christmas. Good! <a href="This still gives us time.

    FC: You know, even most Christians believe that Jesus wasn’t actually born on December 25th. Even this website, which talks about the Star in the Bible being an actual astronomical event (stars and planets overlapped), concludes that Jesus was probably born around 4 B.C.

    But the Keane kids are stupid, unable to study even their own religion.

    Crankshaft and FW: Someone is bitter and a miserable suck.

  313. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    And technically, it’s a bit late, but here’s a great old department store commercial for the holidays: [YouTube]

  314. gleeb
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Barney Google: In Hootin’ Holler, you always urinate on the one you love.

    ‘shaft: They have to eat with Ed? The contractor should have read his indenture more carefully.

    Bossy Rich People: Oh, good. I have permission from Sophie to make merry.

    Worth: Mary’s serving up stale platitudes and egg rolls with cheddar cheese sauce.

    Pearls: No annoying pun, just a nice tribute. Classy.

    Rex: No merry Christmas for Spider. Just a glimpse of a naval officer who I don’t know. Who is that guy?

    Spidey: Clash of theologies!

  315. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#312): Re: FC: Actually, I don’t know, and I don’t want to turn this into a debate about when Jesus was born. Conclusion: Keane Kids are still idiots.

  316. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#312): The Keane Kids are theologians compared to Dustin.

  317. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Gleeb votes that its egg rolls with cheddar cheese sauce. Comcis Fan votes maple syrup on burritos.

    I say it’s yam cakes with Tang syrup.

    It has begun, the Comics Curmudgeon’s Christmas tradition of, what the f–k did Mary cook?

  318. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#316): Dustin a worse person than Jeremy. This one is especially infuriating, as a) he’s lazy and self-entitled, and b) he feels his masculinity is threatened.

  319. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#318): Plus, Jeremy is kind of supposed to be an immature jerk, Dustin has ZERO excuses.

  320. gleeb
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#319): Dustin is supposed to be a jerk, too. The writers of the strip are middle-aged white guys. You have fallen into their trap and are identifying with Ed, the father, whose chief characteristic is how much he despises his son.

  321. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#317): OK, in the first panel that we see the foods, there’s little balls, and little things that look like toast. By the next panel, they’re all burrito-shaped. Baked cheese and old urine?

  322. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#320): Of course not. As much as a lazy bum Dustin is, the dad is a huge asshole that constantly mocks him and discourages him. The sister ALWAYS a jerk, and the mom just smiles along with whatever crap his father and sister do.

  323. Phred22
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#311): Behold, Slylock is exposed! The penguin prisoner looks exactly like last week’s alleged crime victim. Did it take the police chief to realize this purple-coated fowl framed Shady Shrew and that Slylock never caughton? Bring on your jailbreak!

  324. tb4000
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    S4th: Ted, me and you had an eerily similar Christmas morning as kids.

  325. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas, you old Bum Boat! Merry Christmas, log cabin! Merry Christmas, Mills Gallery! Merry Christmas, in the Bandar Tongue! Merry Christmas, barber shops! Merry Christmas, car dealership! Merry Christmas, Keane Compound! Merry Christmas, gigantic motor home! Merry Christmas, Camelot! Merry Christmas, Mudgeland!

  326. gleeb
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#322): OK, as long as you’re not rooting for Ed. That would be creepy.

    Hmm, Ed. Like Ed Crankshaft. Are all comic strip Eds horrible people?

  327. Hot Irk, End Gig
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    The lowlight shines dimly this holiday season on the entire Batiukverse:

    We wish you a dreary Christmas,
    We wish you a dreary Christmas,
    We wish you a dreary Christmas
    And a crappy New Year!

  328. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

  329. Ed Dravecky
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#326): I sure hope not.

  330. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#326):

    Are all comic strip Eds horrible people?

    Well, Ed da Burber certainly qualifies, but I will defend Ed Dodd to my dying breath.

  331. John C Fremont
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    MW – I dunno, guys. In the third panel, I’m seeing french toast and grilled hard boiled eggs. All of the previous suggestions seem about right for panel 4, but by panel 5 it looks as though it’s become bars of Dial soap. By the final panel, from the way Mary’s hoisting that tray, whatever she’s carrying seems to have taken on the weight of the dark matter feces that Futurama’s Nibbler poops out so, uh, I’m just going with it being a steaming tray of Nibbler poo. Hope everyone brought their appetites!

  332. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Oops! Note to self: The one of the right says Post.

    Anyway, my first guess about the foodstuffs was grilled cheese sandwiches, because of the grill-looking thing that Mary’s taking them off in the first non-throwaway panel. I said with gravy, but now that I look more closely at the bottle in the next panel, I think Comcis Fan is right and it’s maple syrup. Or myrrh. Myrrh comes in bottles like that, doesn’t it?

    Also, did we know Mary is lefthanded?

  333. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#332): The one on the right. Jeebus! I’m really not trying to run up the post count, I’m just ditzy this morning.

  334. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#322): I think “Dustin” is really a thought experiment on what if Flannery O’Connor wrote a comic strip. I keep holding out hope that all the characters will be led off one by one and shot.

  335. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#334):

    … a thought experiment on what if Flannery O’Connor wrote a comic strip.

    I would volunteer Dustin for a Cormac McCarthy comic strip!

  336. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#329): Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything positive to say about Erectile Dysfunction. And that “Mister Ed” character is a real horse’s ass.

  337. Li\\\'l Skull Legs
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    I ran across a couple of old Apartment 3-G strips (from a few decades ago) and was taken aback by how really GOOD the artwork was! There were some nice artistic details, the girls were attractively drawn and the visuals added to the story. I don’t know who the artist was, but it brought home how really rotten the current artwork is. It angers me.

  338. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Li\\\’l Skull Legs (#337):

    That was Alex Kotzky, a giant of the medium.

  339. TheDiva
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas, Comics Curmudgeons! *cue “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”*

    C’shaft: I don’t know what’s more depressing: the Crankshaft clan’s surprise and dismay at having to share their table with other people, or that the construction workers are apparently so desperate for companionship this Christmas that spending it with these miserable assholes brings warm smiles to their faces.

    FW: Thank you, Tom Batiuk, for reminding us of a man whose work outshines your feeble miseries as daylight doth the lamp. It’s the best Christmas gift you could have given.

    Luann: Given the amount of consideration Luann gives her family on a regular basis, I’d say the empty boxes are appropriate in a way she did not intend.

    Marvin: Divaling Two was up every hour from about three until six this morning, so this is pretty close to home today. Broken clocks, and all that.

    MW: I guess Emily and Obvious Evilguy have the holiday off like everyone else, then.

  340. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Li\\\’l Skull Legs (#337): Just like how Elrod brought down Mark Trail and Locher with Dick Tracy. Although we have evidence that MT and DT were better in the late 1990s and early 2000s, and not the inane things like “The Bible Bird Banding” (which left more questions than answers) and “Doctor Mordred” (which was so boring and slow: it took three months what could be done in a few weeks, and also left about a dozen plot holes, which were well documented, but I can’t find the links to them)

  341. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#301): A gold slide rule would be pretty awesome! You wouldn’t have to worry about it warping or corroding. The guy who made Pullman’s Golden Compass probably made some.

    /* I do hope they have a label warning users to keep them away from aqua regia solutions! It would be a shame if you spilled some aqua regia on your slide rule while refueling your Galvanick Lucipher. */

  342. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#336):

    I have a friend who used to work at the Environmental Defense Fund. Several years ago, one of her higher-ups had the bright idea to rebrand the organization. Using “fund” in the name is a no-no, it reminds people that it isn’t just about the environment, but that filthy luchre is involved at some level. Also, people love acronyms! So money was spent, a campaign was created, marketing materials printed and distributed to team members. Finally, there came a moment that has been absent from too many marketing campaigns (“Got Milk” and J-Lo’s Fiat ad come to mind) where someone took a look at the thing and asked “Have any of you people watched TV recently? You know those ads with the guy throwing the football through a tire? Or with the older couple taking baths on the hillside? People have heard the term “E.D.” before, and it doesn’t mean what you think it means.”

  343. Li\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'l Skull Legs
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Uncle Lumpy and Pseudo3D. So, here’s a question I’d like answered. What’s behind the poor quality artwork of the current strips? Lack of time to do a good job? Inability to pay a better artist? A stylistic trend? Any ideas? Apartment 3-G’s Lu Ann was originally a hottie in mini-skirts. Now she’s an amorphous and repulsive blob.

  344. This Guy
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    I think it’s a testament to the power of Christmas that even various cartoonists who are commonly annoying, smug, and/or polemical can manage to be sincere and heartfelt on this day. Even Batiuk almost produced a heartwarming Crankshaft–until, of course, he went and Batiuked it all up with the horrified expressions on Ed’s relatives.

  345. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    A&J: d’awwwww. (One of my favorite DeLint short stories uses the “animals can talk on Christmas Eve” fable.)

    HotC: d’awwwwww.

    PBS: win. *sniffle*

    SBp: *snikker*

    JP: I’m deliberately not going to snark on this, and will take it at face value. DT and MT cover the same territory. RMMD knocks it out of the park.

    Bizarro: ROFL!

    SF: well played, Ces, well played. *golf clap*

    Foxtrot: *giggle*

    Lockhorns & Retail: Gift of the Magi /fail

  346. Baka Gaijin
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#317): Mary Worth serving burritos, yes, but with Marvin shit sauce. Who could tell the diff?

    @wossname (#332): Myrrh. The SantaRoyMart has it all.

  347. Chip Whittle
    December 25th, 2011 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#312):

    FC: You know, even most Christians believe that Jesus wasn’t actually born on December 25th. Even this website, which talks about the Star in the Bible being an actual astronomical event (stars and planets overlapped), concludes that Jesus was probably born around 4 B.C.

    But the Keane kids are stupid, unable to study even their own religion.

    Um, the Keane Kids are also, like, five and seven years old. Your precocious and obnoxiously debunking-type personality might have noticed questions of “where in the Bible does it say Jesus was born December 25?”, but I think even that would be an unusual case.

    We’re talking about ages where the continued belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the editor of Mark Trail, and the Tooth Fairy is reasonable and appropriate. Pondering whether the idea that “Christ was born on Christmas” is reliable is way outside that age range.

  348. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    SFx: Solution – Chief Mutt has gone out to arrest a gang of villainous wolves. When he locks them up in the cage with the other prisoners, all dietary problems will be solved.

    JP: Today’s Christmas message of giving and generosity is brought to you by the same girl who wouldn’t even give her classmate the Bender Blaster guitar that she had promised him. Merry ParkerDriverSpencermas, everyone!
    Oh come let you adore us,
    Oh come let you adore us,
    Oh come let you adore us,
    The blessed one percent!

    PBS: Bravo, Steph!

  349. Renee J
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    MW- Did they just reuse the Thanksgiving strip for Christmas?

  350. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Li\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’l Skull Legs (#343): The space papers devote to the comic strips has greatly shrunk over the past years (heck the space they devote to news has shrunk, but like jello, there is always room for a advertisements). Too much detail shrunk to fit would render the artwork as undecipherable as Mary Worth’s food stuff.

  351. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Xmas otter.

    The Daily Puppy is a border collie.

    Xmas corgiderp.

  352. Zerowolf
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Renee J (#349): Think of it as regifting. ; )

  353. Little A.
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Li\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’l Skull Legs (#343): Well, I generally agree and last year and before when I was kvetching about the decline of the art work in OBH, which is still one of my favorite strips, I got attacked, even by Detorie himself. Since YOU brought up this topic again, I will reiterate and repeat that I think the art work in this strip has gone down hill, particularly the backgrounds, which are not done as carefully as he used to do them, and I attribute this to carelessness and the hurry to get the strips done. So those of you who castigated my for bringing this up several times, and wish to do so again, I have two t hings to say: Merry Christmas, and please shit on Skull Legs this time, if you must, who does not deserve it.

    It’s still a great strip. AND SO IS AGNES.

  354. Skull Legs
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Little A (353): Okay. Um….sorry to bring up bad memories. And, for everyone else, please don’t follow that recommendation to defecate on me.

  355. This Guy
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Retail: Speaking of O. Henry, a Robot Chicken sketch parodying “GotM” had the husband refuse to pay $75 for “hairbrushes” for his wife. Did the sketch writers not realize the difference between the decorative, jeweled combs meant by O. Henry and a $5 Goody hairbrush? Just putting that out there.

    Oh, and lest I forget: Merry Christmas, ‘mudges, and a happy new year!

  356. commodorejohn
    December 25th, 2011 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    Agnes – Now that’s a Christmas.

    Bizarro – Oh damn can Piraro draw.

    BR – Ooh, pulpy.

    FG – Now we’re talking.

    JP – “Me, I’ll be opening my presents on a litter carried by the unemployed lower classes, while Sam and Abbey smugly drink wine!”

    MT – I liked the the one last year with the Jerry Garcia Druids.

    MW – Mmm mmm, graham crackers ‘n gravy!

    PBS – Aww.

    Phantom – “For Wambesi Ears Only!”: the title of the upcoming Phantom-themed concept album.

    PV – Winnie looks like a hell of a gal, I hope we get to meet her.

    RMMD – Aww.

    Ripley’s – What about the U.K.? They only use the metric system because the government makes them.

    SF – Aw man, I have developed a tremendous big-brother-crush on Lil’ Jackie. She is awesome.

    SM – I see Thor’s Sif-sense is only slightly more capable than Peter’s spider-sense. Also, he put his helmet in his cape, and his cape in…!?

  357. Braniff
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#312): FC: I once attended a church where the pastor said not only that Jesus was born in December but that Beethoven was born in November! Only one person in his audience objected. (I don’t think that the pastor ever read the Peanuts comic strips, by the way.) Needless to say, I am no longer a member of that church–and I believe the pastor took early retirement.

    That said, I didn’t know that PJ could speak. Is there something weird going on in the Keane Kompound that Bil/Jeff have not been telling us (even by the standards of the Keane family)?

  358. Shrug
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    “Mxnadio ‘twch fliavibg!”

    Rough translation: Happy Holidays (of your choice) to all the Curmudgeons! (in the Bandar tongue).

  359. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#357): Pastors can be strange. There’s always the type that will extrapolate a Bible quote or story into a political message, and yes, it happens at both ends of the spectrum.

    Anyway, what did you get for Christmas? One of my gifts that I’m enjoying is my pound of Community Coffee New Orleans Roast…with chicory!

  360. mollificent
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#115): Oops! How embarrassing…I’ve been too frazzled to keep up on my CC reading.

    Merry Christmas to all! Today’s PBS made me get all teary. *sniffle*

  361. Rixter
    December 25th, 2011 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#317): “It has begun, the Comics Curmudgeon’s Christmas tradition of, what the f–k did Mary cook?
    Which prompts me to ask: Does anyone have Mary’s recipe for salmon squares? I’m cooking Christmas dinner and I want to serve something special, as a reminder “of the loving and giving spirit in all of us.” Oh, and I have these two cans of salmon.

  362. Baka Gaijin
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#361): Are you trying to ensure that you’ll never have to cook Christmas dinner again? Mary Worth’s Genuine Olde Fashion Style Salmon Squares will do the trick.

  363. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#361):
    I’ve seen other variations, but this is the Salmon Square recipe from the Santa Royale Junior League Cookbook:
    1 can salmon, drained
    1 cup mayonnaise (may substitute Miracle Whip)
    1 cup Kraft™ miniature marshmallows
    1/2 cup Italian dressing
    1 small rutabaga, peeled

    Blend all ingredients to a smooth paste. Press into a square pan and bake at 350 for 1/2 hour. Cut into squares. May be served lukewarm or chilled. For a special holiday treat, garnish with gravy. Or maple syrup. Or cheese sauce.

  364. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Li’l Skull Legs (#343):

    What’s behind the poor quality artwork of the current strips?

    I blame:

    1) The Great Shrinkening of the 1970′s, in which strips shrunk so much that fine penwork started looking smudgy.
    2) The switch by newspapers to water-based inks, which took away the contrast depth that made Steve Roper and Steve Canyon (not to mention my fave, Rip Kirby) such visual standouts.
    3) Color, although Judge Parker, Phantom, and Rex Morgan, M.D. actually improved. Maybe it’s “industrial color” supplied in Korea and India as opposed to “artist color.” Anyway, Prince Valiant has always been the exception here.
    4) The Wicom tablet.

    Mary Worth’s Christmas dinner: Fels Naptha and ball bearings.

  365. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    JP: Wait, where’s the missing panel? You know, the one in which Sophie instructs us to send the help down to the soup kitchen to volunteer for us?

    MW: I’m not sure what particular assortment of brown foodstuffs Mary is serving, but I do know that a) they’ve cause some form of growth to burst from Defective Scott’s chest, b) they have Adrian wriggling in excitement, and c) they’ve either sent Dr. Jeff fleeing from the room or have caused him to age-regress to his son’s age.

    MT: Ah, the traditional Elrod Christmas thoughts. Because nothing says “merry” like the skull-blood of Jesus.

  366. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Luann: There’s a story here (following a story about a particular Marvel comic-book cover) about how Greg Evans quite likely intended for Aaron Hill to come out as gay, but Evans ultimately decided against it, because he was afraid of being dropped by several papers. I wonder whether Evans considers that story line to be less risky nowadays, and Quill’s story arc will therefore end with his getting on the plane for Australia just after he announces to both Luann and Tiffany that he misses his boyfriend back in Oz.

  367. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @mr12ozcan (#273): And merry Christmas to you, too! That’s what really wrong with today’s Mark Trail strip: We get Mark, Rusty, Cherry, flying reindeer, deer, birds, sheep, a shepherd, gruesome religious sentiment—and no Andy?

    Pass the bourbon, please.

    Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, and merry Sunday to those who don’t!

  368. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#356): Ripley’s – What about the U.K.? They only use the metric system because the government makes them.
    Who makes them use the metric system? Must be the queen, darn her monarchist dictatorial ways, anyway! If only the British people had a system for electing representatives to some sort of democratic assembly to make the laws they wanted, and not force them into using kilograms and meters, and, heaven forfend, decimal money.

    /* Let’s see, twelve pence to the shilling, twenty shillings to the pound, twenty-two shillings to the guinea, and tanners, florins, sixpence, ha’pence, farthings, and groats! The way God intended. */

    Me, I like the metric system. When I switched, my weight dropped by more than half, using kg rather than lbs. Also, I’ve found I can jog five kilometers in just about the same amount of time as I used to do three miles, thereby getting 40% more exercise. Win win.

  369. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#364): Also: 5) the natural aging of older artists (see Dick Locher and Elrod)

  370. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#369):

    Tru dat. Also Bolle and Giella — the latter’s earlier work on Mary Worth was pretty exceptional.

  371. Baka Gaijin
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#356): England barely uses the metric system. Roads are measured in miles, milk is sold by pints, and people are weighed in stones. TV’s throughout much of the world are measured in inches, as are tire diameters in general, but windshield wiper blades are a mixed bag, with some countries metric and some English for the same damned blade. Make up your fracking mind, Europe!

  372. Ride dem haunches
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#371): I wish I could weigh myself in stones! Then I could eat what ever I wanted, never exercise, and always stay in two digits! It’s hard work staying in two digits in kilograms, and impossible in pounds.

    /* Nero Wolfe’s mass was always given as a fraction of a ton, 1/8th or 1/7th, depending on the book. Very sensible. */

  373. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#368): In Canada we elect our representatives, and we were forced into using the metric system. If anyone wants another reason to hate me, you can check out “I Probably Don’t Like You…Because You Think the Metric System is Logical.”

  374. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    one for the parentals.

    Nouveau Pony

  375. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Happy 87th Birthday, Rod Serling!!!

    [Cue the "Twilight Zone" theme]

  376. rembrandt36
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#366):

    Well, the fact that Evans only has 400 newspapers might be because his strip SUCKS. Take a look at today’s LUANN. You would not believe the people over at Go Comics that got mad and defended her cheap gift. She has a job, drives a car, and can afford to go out and eat and shop at the mall. But oh my – giving empty boxes smothered in bullshit is so much more meaningful than taking the time out to find something a family member really wants, or even writing a heart-felt Christmas card for them. I hope her family members give her the same empty boxes for her birthday. Evans – you really, really suck and need to retire.

    9CL – Again – I have been pleasantly surprised at Brooke’s output the last several weeks. No snark.

    Big Nate – WTF? We have better have some closure on the whole “ripped present” scenario on Monday Pierce. Otherwise you are a lame cop out of a cartoonist.

    Judge Parker – I wish I could take this at face value – but considering we are dealing with rich, smug assholes that drink, fuck, and spend with abandoned I call bullshit.

    PBS – Nicely done Stephan

    Curtis – this was supposed to be funny? What an asshole.

    Zits – lately this strip has been closing in on Batuik depression territory.

  377. FOOBed again
    December 25th, 2011 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Li\\\’l Skull Legs (#337): Here are some examples of Kotzky’s Apartment 3-G:

    http://lambiek.net/artists/k/kotzky_alex.htm

    http://davekarlenoriginalartblog.blogspot.com/2007/10/3-girls-next-door-alex-kotzkys.html

    http://davekarlenoriginalartblog.blogspot.com/2011/02/alex-kotzkyin-his-own-words.html

    One thing I remember about the Kotzky days is that Margo, Lu Ann and Tommie were always dressed in the latest styles. Margo kept the same hairstyle, a chignon (which was actually sleeker than the one she has now and probably could be described as “timeless”) but everything else changed with the times.

  378. Ride dem haunches
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#374): In Japan, we used to take an English language newspaper, the Yomiuri Shimbun, which reprinted news from the States, mostly crime stories. I’m still convinced this was part of a conspiracy to discourage us from going home. It did seem very frightening.

    Once I saw an article about a policeman who had been shot by a robber. The doctors were able to save him, but it was a close thing. “The bullet passed within 2.54 centimeters of his heart,” declared the lead surgeon, “He’s lucky to be alive.” I had this horrible vision of the poor guy, strapped to a gurney, struggling for his life, with some precisionist geek sticking a micrometer in his chest. A little later I realized that 2.54 centimeters is exactly one inch, and that the doctor had actually said that the ‘bullet had passed within an inch of his heart.’ The newspaper had merely translated the weird parochial term “inch” to something more of their readers could understand.

  379. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Dogg — Pugs make great stocking stuffers!

    Brewster Rockit — What do you give the squid who has everything?

    (Both Christmas strips feature exceptional artwork, so you might want to check them out!)

  380. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Ride dem haunches (#379): And that was how Art Buchwald managed to slack off every single year at Thanksgiving, by merely reprinting his ancient story telling The Courtship of Kilometres Deboutish.

  381. Here Come ole Flattop
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#372): “BLONDIE BUMSTEAD NUDE”? Wait, did I miss something? Jeez, I gotta get my eyes checked.

  382. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

  383. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#383): Sure had some awesome automotive spam in them there days!

  384. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#366): A few thoughts on that:

    1) No tackling homosexuality until we find out why TJ is perpetually grinning.
    2) In terms of offending people, Evans has managed to make even heterosexuality creepy and unnatural.
    3) Just as cartoonists worry about offending conservatives, they also worry it can’t be politically incorrect.
    4) The usual result is a token gay who has no other real characteristics except for the fact he (it’s usually a white dude) is gay.
    5) If a storyline is made, it’s going to be trite and it’s going to be obvious they’re trying to angle for a GLAAD award.
    6) Luann is a sucky comic strip, and the writing isn’t good. Having a gay character won’t improve it for anyone.
    7) Conclusion: Luann should get cancelled.

  385. Mr. O'Malley
    December 25th, 2011 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    I had a friend who grew up in a small town in Britain where the proprietor of the only local hardware store was unable to understand decimal currency. There were no prices marked on the goods. He had to hire young people to be on hand at all times, so that when you asked “How much are these bolts?” and got the answer “three shillings tuppence ha’penny apiece” there was someone to translate to decimal currency.

  386. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#384):

    Sure had some awesome automotive spam in them there days!

    Yeah, and they sure don’t have it any more!

  387. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#387): Uh huh. But, a serious question, Uncle. Are they not trying anymore, or is it just filtered out? Are there people out there still, filled with hope, posting lists of hundreds of used cars etc. to any open URL with no camouflage at all? That seems a little sad.

  388. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#388):

    Oh, they still try, and by the hundreds — used cars, garage-door installers, snow removers, shoe-sellers, pushers, SEO “consultants” (“We will spam for you!”), the whole sorry breed. And old posts are the preferred targets, because they’re unlikely to be curated out by hu-mans. But Spam Karma 2 is pretty good, and I am frickin’ implacable. So no new spam gets in, and old spam gets weeded out when I have a lazy afternoon, like today.

  389. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#386): I believe that story, and I’ve heard and personally experience similar, but it still astonishes me. I get that people may not LIKE decimalization of currency, or its cousin, decimalization of measurement, that is, the metric system, but to not understand it is willful ignorance or stupidity.

  390. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#390): I’m with you on that — but to a point. It depends on what you mean by “understand.” Grasping the concept of the decimal system should be extremely easy, but an “intuitive” understanding is a different matter. The wall is presently about seven feet in front of me. To “understand” that in meters, however, requires a mental conversion. (Although in this case, not much of one.) I could see the shopkeeper knowing how to convert the various units of the new monetary system from one to the other, but not actually knowing what the equivalent would be in the old system — or vice versa.

    To be fair, however, I can’t see any reason to have a monetary system arranged in anything other than decimal, since there are no “natural” units to deal with.

  391. Mr. O'Malley
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#391): My younger cousins grew up in a metric-only world. When you say something about feet or miles they go “OK, hold on a minute, we did that in school, I think I can remember it”.

  392. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#389): Well, I have to admire your… what’s the word?… ok, implacability. But deleting spam posts from 2004? What’s the point? That stuff is no longer for sale, the sellers may not even be alive.

    At a certain point, you’re kind of messing with the historical record. Like, I don’t like graffiti. I do not regard it as art; I destroy it when I can. However, were I to visit Herculaneum or Pompeii, and attempt to erase the graffiti there…

  393. Rixter
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#363): Darn! Do you think I can substitute kielbasa for the rutabaga?

  394. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#391): I do agree on some units being more “natural” than others. I’m all in favor of the IS in most things, but I’ve never really gotten with the Celsius scale vs. the Fahrenheit. I’ve always had this fantasy of Herr Fahrenheit going out with his newly invented thermometer on the coldest day of the year, and saying, yessir, that’s zero. Can’t get much colder. Then in the summer, hottest day, call that 100.

    I know it didn’t happen like that, but it could have. It is more human.

  395. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#395): (and by IS, of course I meant SI)

  396. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#389): What’s the most common type? There’s the ones that embed a URL (usually fashion related, though not always) while borrowing phrases into a semi-coherent post, the ones similar to me that have something “This post was very informative. I enjoyed it very much” with the name being “Affordable Pharma” or something like that.

    Do you get any that involve lots of dollar signs ($$$ MAKE MONEY FROM YOUR OWN $$$), the “teeth whitening ones” (you’ve seen them in web ads…”[your city] mom finds tooth whitening secret”), the ones that promise “male enlargement”, etc.?

  397. wossname
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#394): Actually, if you want to substitute for the rutabaga, it should be a turnip. But I just noticed another paragraph in the SR Junior League cookbook that may solve your problem:

    For special occasions, Salmon Squares may be enhanced by stirring in any of the following, after pureeing and before baking:
    Chopped cocktail franks [close enough to kielbasa, right?]
    Maraschino cherries
    Pickle relish
    Chocolate chips
    Coarsely chopped prunes

    For another festive touch, top the Squares with crushed cornflakes (Rice Krispies™ or Cheerios™ may be substituted) before baking.

  398. commodorejohn
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#368): I dunno, I’ve talked with a lot more Brits who prefer the imperial system than metric, though admittedly I haven’t exactly conducted a study. (In any case, I will point out that “representative government” often isn’t.)

    As @Frank Lee Meidere (#391) says, it’s all very much about familiarity. Having grown up in the US, I simply don’t have a mental frame of reference for metric measurements, even for the ones where I’ve memorized the conversion factors. I could put blood, sweat, and tears (a liter or three, I think) into switching over, but what would be the advantage? A decimal system is simpler for calculations, but how often do I actually need to do involved calculations in life? I don’t go to the grocery store and think “let’s see, how do I calculate…?” The most I’m doing there is comparative price-per-ounce on coffee.

    I can see why metric is advantageous in engineering applications, and I certainly wouldn’t quibble with it there, but I don’t really believe that it’s such a blessing for everyday affairs that a government needs to put pressure on its citizens and retailers to employ one system or the other. People can deal with even a non-simple system, just so long as there is a system.

    (I will concede that the old monetary system seems unnecessarily complicated, though. But it’s not my country, I don’t have to deal with it.)

  399. Pseudo3D
    December 25th, 2011 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#398): Salmon squares are easy. Take salmon: the cheapest variety you can get (smoked, maybe?), mix with light mayonnaise, bake until firm.

  400. Liam
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    MW-It wouldn’t be Christmas without Mary’s orange squares covered in orange liquid.

  401. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    The best metric system comic strip of the year was published a mere 1.07 fortnights ago, here.

  402. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#395): Actually, that’s pretty close to how he did it. Exceppt that zero was the point at which salt-saturated water would freeze. In Fahrenheit, each 10 degrees has its own personality. You say, “It’s in the 70s,” and that tells you something. Not so much with Celsius.

  403. Liam
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    JP-Today’s comic is brought to you by the family with enough money to buy an RV big enough to run down the homeless and not even know it.

  404. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#399): As @Frank Lee Meidere (#391) says, it’s all very much about familiarity. Having grown up in the US, I simply don’t have a mental frame of reference for metric measurements.

    You both are right. But try living overseas for a few years in metric world, the equivalent to total immersion language study. You will pick up an intuitive sense of grams, meters, liters etc. in just a few months. In a year, you will never want to go back. After three or four years, returning to inches, feet, furlongs, ounces (troy and avdp), pounds, pints, gallons, acres, rods, leagues, drams, … just seems crazy. As crazy as pounds and shillings and guineas seem to those of us raised on decimal money.

    Mind you, if you have a decent circular slide rule in your pocket, such as the Concise Model 28, with most common conversion factors on the back, why you are at home where ever you go!

  405. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#403): Right you are. And he picked 100 degrees as human body temperature (slightly off, ok), and how much more of a human reference can you get?

  406. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#402): That WAS refulgent, indeed. Though I prefer to think of it as 2.14 se’nnights ago.

  407. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#393):

    But deleting spam posts from 2004? What’s the point?

    There are rules, dammit.

    And, uh, I may be a little OCD.

  408. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#359): Anyway, what did you get for Christmas? One of my gifts that I’m enjoying is my pound of Community Coffee New Orleans Roast…with chicory!

    Hah. I got a puppy! I win.

    /* 2 1/2 months old. Belgian shepherd, mostly. Black. Huge paws. A sweetheart. Named “Wooster”. */

  409. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#409):

    I kill anything that slips past Spam Karma as it comes in, and sometimes grub around in old posts for spam that arrived before I got systematic about it. The posts are old; the spam is typically much newer — comment spammers prefer old threads because they’re less likely to be monitored.

    Less likely to be monitored because they are less likely to be looked at. Weird business model. Like the folks who put leaflets under your windshield wipers in parking lots at malls and supermarkets. That’s annoying too, and if the mall cops make them stop, or remove the leaflets, do you think they will start leafleting the junkyards, in the sad hope that maybe the odd visitor, looking for a used water pump or tail light or rear view mirror might notice some old faded leaflet, advertising psychic readings or dog grooming or family reunion t-shirts or the latest end of the world prediction from a radio preacher.

    Very odd. Who was the scientist who said that the world is not only queerer than we know, but may be queerer than we CAN know?

  410. ElkMeadow
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#356):

    Winnie is wonderful! I didn’t realize how much I missed her until now. My friends, we have been away from Illwynde for far too long.

    Go golem, go! So far I’ve imagined different strips’ characters inside that house that the golem is looking under and what they were doing when he just shows up and peers in with his glowing conjunctivitis. (I’m out of brain bleach, so I’m avoiding 9CWL and Luann.) Of course, I’m sure that most hovels or huts or whatever aren’t built that sturdy, but this is the fabled land of Illwynde, where anything goes!

  411. Uncle Lumpy
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#411):

    They don’t care if hu-mans see the spams, and it doesn’t matter that nobody here would ever want a garage door installed in Turkey: Google upgrades their page rank whenever they get links from popular blogs where content is updated frequently.

  412. ElkMeadow
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    And now that the arc is (thankfully!) over, here is Over the Hedge‘s version of Twelve Days of Christmas, starring Keith Partridge David Cassidy, in all twelve days. Be sure to see all twelve days (not including Sundays). Enjoy! ….and a Patridge in a teddy bear Glee….

  413. kkarenb
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#284): I was in my teens when the movie came out, and at that time I thought Anne Bancroft was old. She became a lot younger as I watched it over the years. (Sorry I couldn’t respond sooner, but with the holiday I’m finally catching up with the comments.)

    I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

  414. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 25th, 2011 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#403):

    “In Fahrenheit, each 10 degrees has its own personality.”

    Too true. And you just hope you don’t have the personality of a 40 Degree Day:

    (Warning: Clip from ‘The Wire’ contains adult language and is NSFW)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ttbQTz8tAE&feature=youtu.be

  415. Swordsmith
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    FW: I know this has already been mentioned but he’s still doing it… isn’t it against the central tenants of AA, which does not in fact tow cars but rather is Alcholics Anonymous. Telling everyone he can find that this guy is in AA is pretty much outing him. Since the guy is his sponsor, shouldn’t he be explaining this to him instead of making me do it?

  416. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#413): That is weird and fascinating at the same time. So if garage door guy in Ankara, Turkey, can post his spam on a Comics Curmudgeon post from 2004 (say), with his link attached, and most likely no-one noticing, that will up his standing in Google in some tiny but perceptible way, today!

    Makes sense. Then, when someone in Ankara or environs wants a garage door, and googles the subject, our friendly spammer is a teensy bit higher on the list. Is that how it works?

    Dang. This is a creeping Evil. Uncle Lumpy: Nuke them. Nuke them all. We can’t take chances. Barney be with you!

  417. seismic-2
    December 25th, 2011 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#418): This is the best example of quantum entanglement that I have read. When you snarked on Funky Winkerbean in 2004, you were also opening a garage door in Ankara in 2011, and/or vice versa. I think.

  418. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#417): Der Funkster’s “sponsor”* is a retired pilot, who used to work for American Airlines. Don’t you feel silly now?

    *A euphemism. In reality Wade is a john with extremely low standards.

  419. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    Hi all. Merry Christmas. Sorry I’m late, but there was stuff.

    Love Is: … wagging your dick at the family while you take their picture. So that’s the kind of expression you want them to have.

    HOTC: Well, I got a little case of the warm fuzzies here.

    H&J: sexy discretion shot in the last panel.

    A3G: Wow, check out Ruby’s look of pure lechery at the end. What is Shulock trying to tell us?

    SFx: Okay, I know which foods I would give to average members of their species. However, if the panda is wearing a preppy ensemble, I’m not making any assumptions about these characters.

    RMMD: Hey, you’re driving with your eyes closed, and by the looks of it drunk as well. I’d say you really do owe him. This applies even if he just rented the dress uniform.

  420. Uncle Lumpy
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#418):

    That is indeed how it is purported to work. Now, Google in their wisdom strives always to refine the Secret Algorithm by which they assign page ranks, but it’s an arms race with no permanent winner. Three years ago it was all pharma spam, then came Dawn of the Hats, and now it’s Turkish garage door repair and Polish snow removal.

    In the fifteen or so minutes between your post and this one, we got 27 new spams, all on old threads, 26 of which were intercepted by Spam Karma, God bless it. I squashed the remaining one, for corporate event services in Doylestown, PA.

  421. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#417):

    Since the guy is his sponsor, shouldn’t he be explaining this to him instead of making me do it?

    Either one of you will probably have the same amount of success. I mean I assume the meaning of anonymity gets explained at your first meeting.

  422. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#419): Was Scott Bakula involved somehow?

  423. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#408): Thank you for not deleting the smutty post from yo.
    (I never even suspected Beetle Bailey’s Corporal Yo of lusting after Blondie!)

  424. Black Drazon
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    A Dick Tracy christmas here in the sunday strip, where Dick is celebrating the holidays with homeless families by terrifying them with the threat of brutal arrest! Merry Christmas!

  425. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    @mollificent (#360): Oh my! I had forgotten to read PBS today. Thank you for reminding me. It’s a loverly homage.

  426. bats :[
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#427): yesh!

    And a dapper cameo by Spider-brick in today’s DT, too!

  427. bats :[
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all the good ‘n’ snarky folks here! It’s so nice that we have one another when it seems Mark Trail’s entering a kinder, gentler phase. Was it only a few short years ago when recalling various Christmas legends that Mark was a little shorter on temper and longer on fist? Ah, good times, good times! (Thanks, Jim!)

  428. Droopy Says
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    Creepy Les: Talk about the kettle calling the pot bleak!

    Pluggers: So even in their youth Pluggers were fat, weak slobs?

    Mock trail: This one gets funnier with each panel. First, Trail expects KWJB to keep a promise he imposed on her. Next, she claims they’re both journalists. Then she talks with her mouth full. But the way the Elrodball floats above Trail’s outstretched palm is like a guest appearance by Fellini.

    The Amusing Spiderman: That’s right, Thor, MaryJugs doesn’t speak Asgardian. Call it a clue. Better yet, call Loki for an explanation, then head back to Asgard before I start making jokes about Peter being an assguard.

  429. bats :[
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    And I think it’s still Christmas in Hawaii…then again, when Mary wants to wish you a Merry Christmas, you’ll take it and be gracious about it!

  430. Uncle Lumpy
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:03 am [Reply]

  431. Uncle Lumpy
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:06 am [Reply]

  432. Comcis Fan
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m afraid Bree is in for a long wait. Mary has just “called the police” on a Kotex Maxi Pad, circa 1957 (the year she stowed it in her purse).

    S4th: I thought that was Jon with whom Hilary was making snow angels. Apparently the girl hasn’t seen “Love Story” yet. She’s supposed to be making snow angels with Jon, not with Faye looking like Jon. Then again, it’s often true that young girls spend more time talking to each other about the boys they love than they spend actually talking to and being with the boys.

  433. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:32 am [Reply]

    MW: Those police had better arrive fast. The girl and her kidnapper must have been in that diner for, what? All of five minutes?

    FW: I’m glad Batiuk has distilled his strip down to its essentials: three panels of characters making completely depressing comments for no reason whatsoever.

  434. commodorejohn
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:35 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#434): I have to take issue with that assertion, I’m pretty sure Mary hit the Big M sometime in the Cambrian era.

  435. Mr. O'Malley
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#431): Wait … is that Rusty?

    You must have enough clip art by now to do a Jack Elrod on this strip.

    Are those the two colors that we’re going to be using for everything for the next decade? I hope our washing machine lasts …

  436. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Rugrats

    What’s a $100.00 bill doing under a rock? Unless said “rock” is crack cocaine… (Which makes Tommy and Chuckie crack babies. Who woulda thunk it?)

  437. wossname
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    DT – Well, this is very sweet and inclusive and ecumenical and all, but Hanukkah started last week. Today you should be noting Kwanzaa in honor of your black characters. Oh, wait…

    MT – As a journalist, I hereby express extreme displeasure with panel 2. Kelly, I know journalists. I work with journalists. You and Mark are not journalists.

    Crankshaft/Dilbert – Ha, Ed and Dilbert got the same sweater for Christmas.

    Slylock – Pretty feeble case even for Slylock… but there’s an interesting new twist to the answer, in that it tells not only how Slylock solved the alleged mystery, but what happened later and how Wanda paid her debt to society the grocery store. Didn’t they used to do that at the end of “Dragnet”?

    Pluggers – Hey Brookins? Those things in the picture are not “people.”

  438. ArchieNemesis
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: Little Ginger Lumphead is clearly enamored of his new pair of skis, but they are far too long for him to use safely. Such enormous skis would either send him careening out of control down the slopes, or wrench his knees with such force as to cause serious injury. Thanks Mom and Dad, you self-satisfied jerks.

  439. Mibbitmaker
    December 26th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    BBlues: The day after Christmas, Hammie would finally be rid of his sister once and for all by smothering her to death with a pillow.

    9CL: Edda now snarks her own strip. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, Brooke says. Does that mean he will censor his own strip online like he does his comment sections? “I despise that beefwit McEldowney!”, McEldowney says…

    ReFOOB: That’ll certainly make the sex really awkward!

    Lio: After this strip appears, Tatulli’s toilet will break down. Wah-waaaaaaaah!

    Love is…Friday nights on “Jimmy Fallon”.

    MT: Kelly Welly is a multi-tasker at doing the wrong thing.

    Marvin: Dog collar. Yeah, that’ll cover up the ol’ genitalia!

    MW: “Oh, shit,” Mary thought, “of all the times to start shrinking!”

    Popeye: Olive is ever faithful, and a TOTAL IMPOSTER!

    RMMD: “And if I’m lying…. may Dracula bite me on the neck!”

    Coming up soon… Mystery Kwanzaa Theater 3000, 2011-12….

  440. Hibbleton
    December 26th, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I can just hear Margo now…”

    “Knock it off or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
    “Well, this is awkward. Meet our new roommate, Sally.”
    “Gary’s dead, Lu Ann. Get over it! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Did you make dinner?”
    “Have you been sniffing onions again?”

  441. John C Fremont
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MT – “I had fun on the story, Mark… Mumf mumfmumf mumf mumf.*”

    * In the Lost Forest tongue.

    “Tongue.” Get it? That’s, I say, that’s a joke, son! Joke, that is.

    MW – “Man, Bree has all the excitement, and all I get to do is flip colorless pancakes cartoonishly in the air. I wish someone would grab me and shake me around. It’s not fair, I tell you. (sigh)”

    SFx – Poor Max. He don’t get no respect.

    Curtis – Yesh!!

    Pluggers – Okay, first of all they’re saying that anyone who owned a microwave in, oh, say 1980 is automatically a Plugger because they’re old. By that logic, you’re a Plugger if you used to dance The Hustle and snort cocaine off the taut, bare belly of a supermodel. Second, wouldn’t Pluggers have avoided the new technology until the darned things became cheap enough, and by then, microwaves were much, much lighter in weight? Hey, I waited until ’86 or so to buy my first microwave, which was a Sharp Half Pint that weighed in at maybe 30 pounds. I’ve also never snorted cocaine off of anyone’s bare stomach. Does that mean I’m not a Plugger?

  442. Vince M
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#431): IT IS RUSTY!

  443. Vince M
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#433): It’s the Greendale Human Being!
    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  444. Braniff
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#440): FC: Then Little Ginger would join the ranks of Natashsa Richardson, Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono in ski-related fatalities. Perhaps Jeff Keane is trying to boost the popularity of this cartoon, which everyone knows has seen better days . . .

  445. Mibbitmaker
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MST3KWANZAA, 2011-12

    In the not to distant present
    2011 AD
    There was a guy named Joel
    Or at least a lousy par-o-dy.
    He worked on an excellent TV show
    Which one, everyone here would know
    He did a good job picking up the pace
    But the premise had a need, so he was shot up into space

    We send him cheesy comics
    All “Curtis” (nevermind)
    LA-LA-LA
    So I can pretend he’s sitting there
    On a computer (which is mine)
    LA-LA-LA
    Keep in mind it’ll be a while
    Till this CC thread ends
    LA-LA-LA
    So till that time (and once the storyline’s done)
    We’ll list his robot friends.

    Ripped-off Rollcall:
    CCambot
    “Beefwits!”

    Gypsy
    “Kelly’s being foolish!”

    Tom Servo
    “More zippers, mule!”

    CROOOOOOOOW
    WOLVES!

    In case you lawyers wonder if doing MSTy and Curtis
    Are legally fishy acts
    LA-LA-LA
    Just remember it’s a Fair Use parody
    And really (PLEASE) relax!

    for Mystery Science Kwanzaa 20-11!

    (door sequence)

    CROW & SERVO: “YA-HOOOOOO!!!”

    Joel: “Um, welcome to the Fake Satellite of Love. We’re just starting to have our multi-denominational present-giving now.”

    CROW: “C’mon, Joel, let’s do our first Hanukah gifts!”

    JOEL: “And our last. Due to time constraints, we have to do them all today.”

    SERVO: “I can’t wait to see which one’s the dradel (sp?)!”

    JOEL: “Then you’ll get your single, larger Christmas presents.”

    ‘BOTS: “YAAAAY!”

    JOEL: “Then, for athiesm… you’ll get nothing. Just a fond appreciation for science.”

    ‘BOTS: “AAAAAWWWW!!!”

    JOEL: “And for Kwanzaa….. well, this year’s experiment.”

    SERVO: “I really hope we get a weird monster again!”

    CROW: “I’ll bet, for Agnosticism, we’ll never know what we’ll get!”

    JOEL (wryly): “We’ll be right back.”

    (Planet Logo into “commercial”)
    Continued…..

  446. Edward F. Rochester
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    General humbug-like remarks: many comics offend me. Aside from the lame humor and terrible artwork, I am offended my certain personalities: Dagwood, that teenage piece of shit in Zits; and others. Launn sometimes, her brother most of the time, etc. Dennis most of the time. Kelly Welly. Nearly everybody in Funky. I guess what mostly offends me is their greedy selfishness and stupidity and self-centeredness. And incompetence (sp.?) I just find them offensive. Mostly not humorous. I realize I am taking comic strip characters too seriously and no , No one compels me to look at these strip or others, but I see these noxious idiots as manefestations of grave problems in our country (now isn’t that pretentious?) and I am bothered.
    Which ones don’t bother me? Agnes, Trout, that poor shlub who occasionally comes on to Agnes, Ruthie, Agnes’ grandmother (whose name I don’t think has ever been given), most of the characters in Doonesbury, even Zonker’s evil uncle. At last he is sincere in his churlishness.

    Ah well, happy holidays everybody.

    For the record, I didn’t read Mary Worth (which is in a category all by its repulsive self) (and which is not carried in any New York City newspapers) until I found this blog, but to paraphrase Holden Caulfield, it is so repulsive I can’t take my eyes off it every day.

  447. Edward F. Rochester
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Oh, and I like Ruthie’s grandparents, too, particularly her grandfather. Cylene doesn’t bother me, for some reson.

  448. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    9CL: I can live with a week of this.

    Lio: So THAT is how he affords his giant robots and squidkibble! well, not so much the squidkibble . . .

    Zits: o wow. The homoerotic subtext is strong with this one!

    MT: indirect Cherry/Kelly kiss.

    Ghost-who-travels-halfway-around-the-world-between-panels: that’s a question, boatguy. *punch*

    SFx: “she doesn’t have scurvy” probably isn’t the answer.

    rMC: yay, Lily! (this was one of my favoritest MC strips in the whole run.)

  449. wossname
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Edward F. Rochester (#448):
    Your post reminds me of something I’d been meaning to bring up here.

    Doesn’t it seem odd that the complex, nuanced, believable characters are almost all in the family joke-a-day strips, rather than the soap strips? I put Doonesbury in a class by itself as far as character development. After that, a lot of the characters I care about the most are the same ones on your list: Ruthie and family and friends – even James (but Cylene does bother me); the Stone Soup gang; the Cul de Sac gang; the Kevin & Kell gang. If any of them were killed off by their authors, I’d be genuinely upset. But if Lu Ann or Abbey or Sophie or Rex or Mary or Dr. Jeff or Mark or Rusty died, I’d just laugh and laugh. I’d be a little sad if we lost Margo, not because I care about the character, but because it would be less fun without her around.

    So how come the soap strips don’t make me actually care about the characters? Anybody?

  450. Hot Irk, End Gig
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    For the rest of 2011, let’s just hand the lowlight over to Funky. Between the depressing Christmas excursion with the title character, his suddenly Crankshaft-like father and his AA sponsor and this week’s re-emergence of the let’s-get-down-on-the-home-team story line, Batty has more than earned our irk.

  451. TheDiva
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    A3G: I hope Margo points and laughs like Nelson Muntz.

    C’shaft: I call shenanigans. Since when did Cranky care whether he hurt his daughter’s feelings by throwing her gift directly in the trash?

    Curtis: Well, it’s Kwanzaa, time to start acknowledging Curtis’ existence. This year starts off promising, as Billingsley admits he cannot draw a convincingly draw an unattractive person.

    FW: You all are terrible, hateful people who, despite living in a world of perpetual misery, are yet not as miserable as you deserve to be.

    MT: Kelly Welly knows the surest way to throw Mark off balance is to force physical contact on him.

    MW: “I can only distract them with my weirdly melting face for so long!”

    SM: Ew, Peter’s expression is making me want a shower.

  452. Hibbleton
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#451):
    The soap strips have always been geared towards older children or younger teenagers. Their characters are caricatures of how that age group views the adult world and complex coming-of-age issues. It’s not surprising that they don’t connect with an older audience. I followed “Dondi” as a kid but grew bored with it as I got older.
    Joke-a-days can appeal to both kids and adults because each can ‘get’ the same joke coming from different levels of perception, ~ the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.

  453. wossname
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#454): That makes a lot of sense when I think about JP or RMMD or even A3G. But MW and MT are written for older children/young teenagers? The mind reels!

  454. gleeb
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Here we go. I’m picturing Nelik just as he’s depicted. Plain, dead white, with no features at all and great slab-like hands and feet without separate fingers and toes.

    Dick: OK, no 80s song lyrics, but we do have a fine view of Honey Moon Tracy lighting up. I guess Junior doesn’t let her smoke in the car.

    ‘bean: “Take tonight’s game”? Take it where? To the crappy pizza joint? Does this go on the regionalism pile with “devil strip” or the made-up one with “solo car date”? I assume Creepy Les means “win”, but it’s only because of the use of “Cassandra” in the last panel.

    Jim Yelich, Caffeinated Copper!: I hope he’s checked April’s net worth so he knows whether she’s guilty or not.

    Phantom: Have we established that Fencer* knows where the Ten Tigers’ lair is?

    Pluggers: …are not early adopters. Give me a break.

    *For the-ghost-who-receives-stolen-goods.

  455. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Hägar – Tragically, Svensen later died from an infected spear wound through both ankles.

    Herb – This is becoming such a rich source of aphorisms, Mary Worth is considering a deal to quote exclusively from it for 2012.

    Marmaduke – I think you’ll find that the usual notion of “customer” includes the concept of “payment” rather than just “invading the store and taking stuff.”

    Family – “…Scuse me a minute, Thel. I think I just made myself nauseous.”

  456. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    A3G: What’s she saying, LuAnn? “You’re a fool”?

    9CL: McElClowney’s dream job?

    Curtis: This…does not look promising. In that case, I’ll imagine him to be a white-collar middle-aged white dude.

    Luann: Vintage strips would be an improvement.

    MT: And he tosses the Elrod ball into the air!

  457. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#359): I got a choo-choo train set. The instructions are written in a character set I can’t figure out, even with a Concise Model 28 in my hand.

    @wossname (#398): Salmon and Chocolate Chips? What kind of abomination is this? I wouldn’t even serve it to a clown! Aw, hell, I’d serve it to a clown. As a 1kg ball via a plumber’s helper. USED plumber’s helper. From a truck stop on enchilada night.

    @commodorejohn (#399): The pre-decimal English monetary units were just plain wonky. I kept trying to learn it but there were too many ways to get to the same answer. Interesting historical fact: Woolworths (yes, that one) hired people to stand by the cash registers on conversion day to keep the plebes from revolting explain the new prices to worried customers who hadn’t learned anything from the leafletting and public service spots on TV and frequent newspaper articles the year or so leading up to conversion day.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#405): “My car gets forty rods to the hogshead, and that’s the way I likes it!”

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#421): I read “Love Is…” because of you. It was much funnier that way.

  458. Illustrator Steve
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    MT –
    Mark and Kelly go to Canada.
    Mark and Kelly are held at gunpoint by a friend who is very popular in his community.
    Mark and Kelly spend weeks in a peacefull valley with an old lady who resembles Burt Bacharach.
    Mark and Kelly squabble over writing or not writing an artical that their editor PAID them big bucks to gather information on.
    Mark and Kelly arrive at anairport and wander onto a restricted area along the airport tarmack.
    Mark and Kelly kiss while Mark tosses the Jackelrod ball in the air, just before the jumbo jet airliner runs them both down.
    End of story – Happy New Year!

  459. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: What a complete shit he is.

  460. Zerowolf
    December 26th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I can hear Margo too, “Crying LuAnn? I’ll give you something to cry about.”

  461. Zerowolf
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Crazy Curtis Kwanza: Did Billingsley get “vagueing it up” lessons from Stephen Bentley?

  462. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    eat ALL the kibblez!!! (and related.)

    Rob Wilco posting GraphJams?

    things are tough all over.

    caption says it all.

    Lio & Eva Rose, + 5 years.

    for commodorejohn.

    Hello, I’m a blue-eyed blue merle. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

    corgsqui. *brainmush*

  463. Zerowolf
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    FW: Nice try with the Casandra reference, Batiuk, but McEldowney will kick your beefwit backside all over the comics page when it comes to obscure allusions.

  464. Zerowolf
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: At the pacing of this strip, I’d say they’ll be waiting about two weeks for that ice cream.

  465. Hasty Penguin
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    I think Mark Trail is supposed to be at the airport today, but all I can see is a tacky sci-fi novel cover in panel 3.

  466. UncleJeff
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    I would like to thank Uncle Lumpy for protecting us from those SPAM bastards.
    I would also like to thank the good people at Hormel for the GOOD Spam.
    I wish my IT guardians were better at protecting our computers from those bastards at XP Spyware and Artista Security who have poisoned one of my computers for the 3rd time in six months.
    I wish those bastards at Artista slow, lingering deaths that would make the demise of King Saul seem like a simple change of address.

    Oh, as for the salmon square recipies: I’d suggest replacing the mayonnaise with Ipecac. Might as well “get it over with”.

  467. Zerowolf
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    SM: For a diety, this Thor guy is pretty f—ing stupid. Is this an attempt to make Peter look like a freaking genius by comparison?

  468. seismic-2
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    SM: Loki thinks Mary Jane looks enough like Sif to be her “twin”, and Thor thinks MK actually is Sif? Loki’s cover story was wrong – everyone in this story arc fell off a horse and suffered a concussion.

    FW: If the Westview girls’ basketball team does in fact lose tonight’s game, it will still be a less stunning upset than was Cayla’s defeating Les in the pre-game mope-off.

    MW: The “Good Eats” diner – where perspective goes to die.

    Mark Trail, Journalist: Best joke of the week!

  469. UncleJeff
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    We haven’t yet heard from our “Bee Grinding” Awards guy.
    Mary Worth and Mark Trail are making some grand year-end runs for those award (if they are being given out this year).

    I’d say that WOLVES! already has sewed up the “line of the year” award.

  470. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#430): Those weak Pluggers are going to kick themselves when they have to haul that thing back outside post haste. That microwave has an Italian power plug. The veteran was laughing up his sleeve, finally finding a dupe who’d take that oven he got while stationed in Naples. Who can figure out that temperature dial, what with the devil’s Celsius markings on it? And what about the commie metric electricity it uses?

    @Droopy Says (#430) on Spiderman: Start making jokes about Peter being an assguard. Please.

    @bats :[ (#431): Love it. Looove it!

    @Zerowolf (#463): “Vaguing it up.” Isn’t that dance thing Madonna did back in the 90′s?

    @UncleJeff (#468): Is ipecac orangish-brown? Mary may have beaten you to it.

  471. Shrug
    December 26th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#391):

    “To be fair, however, I can’t see any reason to have a monetary system arranged in anything other than decimal, since there are no “natural” units to deal with.”

    The “natural” unit of a monetary system is the clam. Just ask B.C.

    Decimal clams don’t work well, because clamshells are tough and it’s hard to break one into ten equal pieces. However, irregular combinations (comparable to pence/shilling/pound arrangements) do work for clams: two clams equals one set of castanets, one “lotsa” quantity of clams equals a bed and can be exchanged for one at any Mezozoic Mattresses outlet store, and so on.

    Reasons for countries to go off the clam standard are known as Ex-Clam-Nation Points.

  472. Shrug
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#447):

    “MST3KWANZAA, 2011-12″

    Wonderful stuff. “We got gufawing sign!!!”

  473. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#473): Tell those Ex-Clam-Nations to “clam down” and wait for the play downs.

  474. Mark B
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    Rex: Niki’s cooling to the idea of dating Kelly since the roofying turned her into a cyclops.

  475. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Over the course of more than 15 years, Brad deGroot is still a potato head.

    “The Spectral Tortoise o’ Perspective” is from Westview, Ohio I’d guess.

    Pluggers, what? I have a 70′s era Radarange made out of genuine Pittsburgh steel. I’m no Arnold Schwartzeneggar yet I can heft it out to the car without help. Without a handful of pain pills and days of bed rest afterwards.

    Thatababy sums up the first Toy Story movie in 3 panels.

  476. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Have you ever been on the toilet doing your business and you feel your business is complete except for the paperwork. You start up the paperwork when suddenly an urge from the pit of your bowels tell you, “not yet.” So you continue on with your venture wondering where the extra came from.

    Reading Funky Winkerbean is like that.

    Just when you think it’s over and you can wipe it up, suddenly extra shit comes flowing. Like today. What was that all about? It keeps on coming, again, again, again…

  477. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS: Good morning, class. Beautiful Mount Helena City Park, in Helena, Montana is 1,666 meters above sea level and about 396 meters above the Last Chance Gulch Mall. Now using your 20 inch desktop K&E Model 5053-5 slide rule, let’s convert 1,666 meters to feet. Using the handy conversion table on the back of the slipstick, we find that one foot equals 0.3048 meters. Therefore, placing the divisor, 3048 on the C scale, above the dividend, 1666 on the D scale, we read under the right index mark our answer: 5468 feet.

    And guess what? 5468 is the exact number of days that Barney Google has been missing from the comic strip that bears his name!

    We shall leave the relationship between the Apocalyptic “666″ and the ominously named “Last Chance Gulch Mall” as an exercise, especially for you Dan Brown fans. You know who you are!

  478. kkarenb
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Hot Irk, End Gig (#452): It is practically a given that Funky Winkerbean will be the lowlight of the day. Why don’t you just name another strip IN ADDITION TO Funky? (This was expressed more eloquently by @Sequitur (#478): .

    JP – Wouldn’t the police send someone who has no involvement with any of the people he is investigating? At the very least, shouldn’t Det. Yelich have recused himself from this investigation? At the trial, a defense attorney would surely jump on this.

  479. GeoGreg
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#403): I think Wikipedia told me that, as you describe, the Fahrenheit scale was originally based on a zero point of a freezing saturated solution and human body temperature (100) . Later, someone decided that having exactly 180 degrees between the freezing and boiling points of water would be good, because 180 is divisible by both 12 and 10 (212-32=180). That left human body temperature at about 99 degrees, rather than 100. Then, some Europeans using the Celsius scale (then called centigrade) recorded body temperature as 37, which became the official scientific figure. When converted to Fahrenheit, this became 98.6, sounding much more precise than it actually is.

    Of course, everyone knows that God’s own units are Planck units: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_units

  480. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    12/26

    Curtis: Oh ye of little faith who thought Billingsley was going to skip Kwanzaa this year. For 2011-12 he’s giving us the thick outline of an African Frankenstein monster. Praise be!

    Doones: “Well, Trudeau has decided to draw me with breasts, so I guess the dolls are creepy or something.”

    SFx: Please tell me that clumsy shoplifting isn’t the whole of Wanda Witch’s latest crime spree, because that would just be too sad. She’s at least in league with the shadowy whatsit abducting Max, right?

    GT: Are the Beavers (heh-heh) some kind of juvie team? Because it looks like they’ve got Lonnie “Spider” Webb on the court.

    FC: Ah yes, memories. Billy’s about to lose a few when Jeffy beans him with those skis.

    6C: Well, here’s something you don’t see every day. Isabella Bannerman is making cutesy tech jokes about technology that’s not even on the market. Thinking ahead, I guess.

    Phantom: It would have been nice if someone had given Ghost-Who a new alias for Christmas. He’s been wearing the hell out of the old one.

    OBH: Has she seen birds that do wear diapers?

    MW: If we’re in luck, the “ice cream on the house” ploy will work out as in The Muppet Movie, and Emily and her kidnapper will be looking for it on the roof of the diner.

  481. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Lu Ann Powers can hear Margo saying, “You don’t get the wedding planner deposit back. It’s non-refundable. You signed a contract.” Then I hear Aunt Ruby say, “You know what’ll cheer you right up? Hair bows. Lots and lots of hair bows.”

    Mark and Kelly, making out on the tarmac at Marlton Airport circa 1959. See that totally new Boeing 707 poking in from the right? See that Mark Trail not poking anything at all?

    Slylock Fox, meet Occam’s Razor. Instead of grilling an innocent witch, how about look at that hungry THING getting ready to eat your partner.

    I’m stifling a political comment about Snuffy Smith. Argh! It’s tough.

  482. A Smirch Unheeded
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#473): Reasons for countries to go off the clam standard are known as Ex-Clam-Nation Points.

    You are a wicked person. Barney help you!

  483. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#483): holds back…

    I’m stifling a political comment about Snuffy Smith. Argh! It’s tough.

    Is it about running Snuffy for president on the Hillbilly ticket.

    There’s no Hillbilly party. Why is there no Hillbilly party?

  484. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#483):

    I’m stifling a political comment about Snuffy Smith. Argh! It’s tough.

    Would it be political to point out that one of Jughaid’s pals has a five-o-clock shadow?

  485. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#482): I haven’t seen a bird wearing a diaper. Ruthie drew a great mental image. What other cartoon characters would be improved by having a poopy bird sitting on their heads?

    1. Marvin. Each time Marvin drops a load, so does the bird.

    2. Les Moore. Every time Les spouts bullshit, the bird shits.

    3. Crankshaft. Nope, doesn’t work unless the bird’s a flesh-eating raptor that rips him to shreds.

  486. Comcis Fan
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#436): We can’t know for sure, but she keeps it there for emergencies. Any emergency, ranging from feminine hygiene needs to incontinence to calling 9-1-1.

  487. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#485) and @Artist formerly known as Ben (#486): Nope, just how they could put photos of the participants from recent political debates from an unnamed American political party instead of random hillbillies and the punchline would still be valid. Flame away, political types!

  488. commodorejohn
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#488): Well, I suppose there’s only so many primary-function features you can add to keep up with the other brands, eventually you have to start branching out…

    A3G – We all can, Luann. We all can.

    A&J – Awww :D

    Curtis – Aww yeah, Kwanzaarama time!

    DT – Yarmulke!

    FC – I can’t wait to see Billy unleash mini-Bender there on the Keane family.

    FW – Today Batiuk is playing a fun game! It’s called “Write dialogue that is almost congruent, but still definitely not!”

    GT – “The Beavers put on a press?” Is that what they’re calling it these days?

    Luann – Oh joy, Luann reruns. They still suck, but now the art’s worse!

    MT – Ha ha, ahaha, nothing is funnier than watching Mark be petrified with terror at the affections of the opposite sex. Though looking at the vaguely-modern-ish airport that Elrod scrawled in the background of an existing panel comes close.

    NAOQV – *applause*

    Peanuts – Zeno’s Christmas.

    SF – I do love how much Hil is a believable amalgamation of her parents.

    SM – Spider-Man: where the colorist just can’t be assed to remember how he did Loki last week.

    Ziggy – There’s “computer dating” again. What does it mean?

  489. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#453):

    Curtis: Well, it’s Kwanzaa, time to start acknowledging Curtis’ existence. This year starts off promising, as Billingsley admits he cannot draw a convincingly draw an unattractive person.

    Although he’s quite capable in the related category of “mutant kid with vertical eyes.”

  490. UncleJeff
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    We’re getting close to the quarter-post for the 2,000 post goal for ending 2011!

  491. A Smirch Unheeded
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    AmzgSpdrmn: This is supposed to be NYC? And whats-her-name can clearly see stars from street level?

  492. Red Greenback
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#475): FYI, the “play downs” are “play clowns” with horrible kerning.
    And also, congrats on the superb flotation, Ed and Co.

  493. Peanut Gallery
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#450): I second your comment on rMC; today’s repeat is probably my favorite My Cage strip ever.

  494. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#459): “My car gets forty rods to the hogshead, and that’s the way I likes it!” I think Grandfather Simpson was misquoted, or misspoke, as that works out to just 0.00198 mpg.* He probably intended to say “kilorods” and “decihogsheads”, which would bring him up to about 20 mpg. Either that, or he should get a tune up, and check his tire pressure.

    * Approximately. I’m using my Sun Hemmi Fredrick Post 1447 10 inch SR, with the rare and coveted “Made in Occupied Japan” label. This, while a beauty, doesn’t have the resolution of my big desktop K&E 20 inch.

  495. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#492): We’re getting close to the quarter-post for the 2,000 post goal for ending 2011!

    Now come on, Uncle Jeff. You should be ashamed. That’s just padding.

    Oh, wait, then so is this… darn it!

  496. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#494): WHAT??? Kerning is not my friend, at least tight kerning. Ugh.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#496): I, and presumably Grandpa Simpson, drive M4 Sherman tanks. No asshole double-parks on the roads I drive down, at least not more than once.

  497. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#496): For metric heads, 20 mpg is about 11.76 L/100KM.

  498. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#498): It’s still a good idea to check the tire pressure on your M4 Sherman tank. Most filling station attendants will be glad to do this for you. Just ask!

  499. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#500): Congratulations on the quarter-millenia comment.

  500. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#500): Ha ha! You’re not tricking me. There are no tires on an M4. Filling stations usually empty out quickly when an M4 pulls up to the diesel pump.

  501. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#500): The compact model gets better mileage.

  502. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#503): No, I think that’s full size. The driver just has a very, very large head.

    // (on to 1000!)

  503. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#504): He doesn’t look like Rusty Trail to me.

  504. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#502): So you always have to pump your own fuel? Bummer. You’d be in trouble in New Jersey or Oregon, too.

  505. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#505): I think he’s a cousin to the Keane kids.

  506. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#505): It’s his cousin, Trusty Rail.

  507. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#508):
    One of my favorites!
    Ingredients:

    1 1/2 oz Scotch
    3/4 oz Drambuie
    lemon twist for garnish
    Preparation:

    Pour the ingredients into an old-fashioned glass with ice cubes.
    Stir well.
    Garnish with the lemon twist.

  508. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#509): Oooh, a Crusty Snail.

  509. seismic-2
    December 26th, 2011 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#502): If you think the service station empties out quickly when a Sherman tank pulls up, you out to see what happens when Sam and Abbey pull up in the Road Queen. The employees’ first instinct is to go hide inside the stacks of tires, but they are obligated to come out and attend to the vehicle, since SpencerCo Industries owns the oil company.

  510. Buck Ripsnort
    December 26th, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#473): The “Natural” unit of money is the finger. In fact, today this nice man at the Mall parking lot gave me one for nothing.

  511. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#506): Good point. Memo to Baka: do not motor through Jersey or Oregon.

    @seismic-2 (#511): Ah ha ha ha!

  512. Droopy Says
    December 26th, 2011 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#451): So how come the soap strips don’t make me actually care about the characters? Anybody?

    Because (1) their worlds revolve around them and (2) they don’t have problems and (3) they’re untouched by what happens to the people around them, usually after (4) they resolve the problem through some absurd process.

    Mary Worth’s only problem is finding a chance to meddle. Problems drop into her lap, to be solved by her. Like this missing-child story. Is anyone surprised that the kid and abductor walked into her life, or that Mary is the only one to notice anything odd? It’s the waitress who is taking a risk, but it’s Mary who will get the credit for saving the kid. Even if the abductor threatens Mary, do you think she’ll end up in the hospital?

    Rex Morgan: the roofied kid arc was totally artificial. Rex should have called 911, but then he wouldn’t have had the chance to cure the girl with smelling salts, or see how his fatherly advice to the boy made a mensch of him. There won’t be any interference from the police or family services people, much less anyone saying “Morgan, you dick, an MD should have enough sense to call for an EMT.”

    Creepy Les: But it’s about cancer and death and angst! These characters dislike one another, keep one another at an emotional arm’s length with their bored awkward comments, and gape in awe as Batiuk’s Mary Sue character succeeds at everything except being a decent person.

    FOOB and reFOOB: Life is perfect for the Patterfoobs. The kid almost drowns? The overaged dog gets to rescue her, conveniently dying so you don’t have to deal with putting an aged animal to sleep. The daughter is stalked and almost raped? She’s saved and not even traumatized. There’s a fire? The idiot son risks his life to rescue a manuscript. There’s a gay character? Well, not in the Sacred Family itself, where smElly might have to deal with real-world problems like gaybashing.

  513. Islamorada Girl
    December 26th, 2011 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Hey! I found a case of Grey Goose in the back of the bedroom closet! V and T’s for everyone!

  514. Droopy Says
    December 26th, 2011 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#472): Peter Parker defends his couch like it was Fort Knox, because otherwise he’d have to risk his ass fighting bad guys . . . not much funny, I know, especially because Peter Parker is the gold standard of asininity.

    If those are Pluggers buying a new microwave in the early Eighties–no. No way. Pluggers know food tastes better when you spend forever cooking it on your stove.

  515. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#514): Huh. They don’t interest me much because they’re boring if read without snark, except for exceptional occasions like the drunken Jill Black getting drunk and insulting people and Mary Worth physically abusing an ugly waitress.

  516. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#516): That’s a great start on Peter Parker the Assguard. Keep up with that train of thought. Actually, transfer to Dingo’s train instead…

    Pluggers know food tastes best when it’s in huge quantities and someone else is paying. I wouldn’t stand next to the food table at the Sunday potluck after church. It’s both a trampling and loss-of-limb hazard. I wonder if my health insurance covers Plugger-caused damage?

  517. This Guy
    December 26th, 2011 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#496): Grandpa Simpson’s car prefigures the Canyonero (EPA estimated mileage: 1 mpg hwy, 0 mpg city). No telling where the eastern European car that will “do 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene” fits in.

  518. Joe Blevins
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    (today’s zomby) AND SOME WEIRD FOREIGN-Y MOVIE POSTERS!

  519. Mibbitmaker
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa, continued from @Mibbitmaker (#447):

    (out of commercials)
    JOEL: “Now, what have you guys learned about all the gift-giving by each religion?”
    SERVO: “Believe in everything and nothing, and you’ll really clean up!”
    CROW: “I liked my present based on Karma. I can actually say that I really deserved it.”
    JOEL: “Oh, I dunno. You can also un-deserve it. (pause) Oh, great, Earl and Randy Hickey are calling!”

    (cut to Deep 13)

    Dr. F: “Oh, you wish we’d only last 4 seasons! Anyway, the Invention Exchange… Our invention is a machine that makes you own a missing child poster in the mind! Literally.”
    TV’s F: “It will haunt your every waking day, and it will NEVER DIE! You can be unbearable to all your friends, and also — yourself.”
    DR.F: “Having a sidekick like I do, I know that feeling.”
    TV’s F: “Really, Steve? Gee, that’s too bad, I really feel—- HEEEEEY!
    DR. F: “Anyway, your turn Joelatollah…”

    JOEL: “Leave it to you two to exploit a real, terrible situation for profit! Anyway, my invention is the BARNEY GOOGLE LOCATOR, which, oddly enough, uses technology based on GOOGLE. How many number of days he’s been missing from his own strip? That’s the number of hits on the screen. Best part: It’s just complicated enough that a no-good hillbilly that has no right to ruin a once-great strip cannot operate it. What do you think, sirs?”

    DR.F: “I think I ate Sparkplug for lunch last week! And on that unnerving note, I give you your experiment: another impenetrable Kwanzaa feast from the Curtis strip. Push the button, Frank.”
    TV’s F: “Did we really eat that lovable scalawag?”
    (Dr. F gives a pained reaction but no answer. A nauseated Frank pushes button)

    JOEL: “WE GOT COMIC SIGN!!!”

    (door sequence)

    PANEL 1
    SERVO: “They’ve been ‘on hiatus’ for some time now.
    JOEL: “Human tendencies? That can’t turn out well!”

    PANEL 2
    CROW: “Netflix?”
    JOEL: “No, Nelik.”
    CROW: “He’s very selfish with his selflessness.”

    PANEL 3
    CROW: “Okay, so… plain.”
    JOEL: “Plain.”
    SERVO: “Even his plainness is plain.”
    CROW: “That’s his chalk outline. He’s already dead.”
    SERVO: “No, that’s Ann Veal from Arrested Development.”

    PANEL 4
    JOEL: “Can one really trust such an unsure narrator?”
    SERVO: “How can I leave it to the imagination when you can hardly follow proper sentence structure? I’m just lost now!”
    CROW: “And those monkeys are no help at all!”

    continued on 12/27/11…

  520. mr12ozcan
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    mark trail- hey beavis youthink mark got a stiffy when kellykissed him and rubbed her virginia near him ? that guys gay butthead she would have to be wearing maple syrup perfume at least to get him going

    mary worth-how did mary windup in the kitchen ? i guess she wants free rainbow swirl too because her jitterbug plan is only 25 minutes a month

  521. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    @mr12ozcan (#522): he said virginia heh heh heh heh heh

  522. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    With the New Year approaching, what did you think about the year in comics?

    I mean, Bil Keane and Tom Wilson Sr died this year.

    Also, Dick Tracy got entirely new artists and writers, and a few storylines. In case you’ve forgotten, here’s the strip from a year ago.

    There were only about 3 storylines this year in 9CL (which I’ve nicknamed “Sex and Sexuality”, “The Incredibly Stupid Adventures of Thorass and a Nun”, and the current “Sexploitation Is Great When You Make Money”)

    Les had sex and got a fianceé (in that order) in an incredibly painful (for us) sequence of events. The Specialist Snowflake tore her ACL.

    Mark Trail gets shot (by the way, the man who shot him was never arrested: no proof of him shooting him or even stealing the diamonds, or whatever), is rescued by a woman and her daughter in an island where drugs are smuggled, and goes home, before going on a Bird Banding Adventure.

    In Mary Worth, there was kite flying, a possessive nurse, a freakish waitress, and conspicuous purse-snatchers (there was one more, between Jill and kite flying, I think).

    Spider-Man battled a vampire and let the plot finish itself, then fights off the “Big Boss”, which spent a week or so going over the plot holes it created, and still didn’t answer all of them.

  523. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#524): And in Crock
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    … oh, never mind.

  524. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    GA: Oh, come on, Clovia. You write a check to the insurance company, you put it in an envelope, you put a stamp on the envelope, you’re leaving the house and then you expect Slim to remember to mail it? You’ve been married all those years and you expect Slim to know what to do with a stamped envelope?

    It must be menopause.

  525. Amateur
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: And Kwanzaa kicks off with a celebration of superficially judging people by their outward appearance! Why do I get the feeling this is going to be the best one yet?

  526. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#519): No telling where the eastern European car that will “do 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene” fits in.

    Let’s see, that’s about 740 acres. How many liters of kerosene does that tank hold? It’s not an M4 Sherman, is it? Where can I get in touch with this Crazy Vacslav? Is he the guy selling garage doors in Ankara? Uncle Lumpy would know! Oh, what would Barney Google do?

  527. Sequitur
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#528): quiries…

    Oh, what would Barney Google do?

    Oh, I don’t know. Use a spark plug?

  528. Liam
    December 26th, 2011 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    MW-Stalling them with free ice cream? That is good. That should hold them for about fifteen minutes.

  529. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 26th, 2011 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#524):

    Also, Dick Tracy got entirely new artists and writers, and a few storylines. In case you’ve forgotten, here’s the strip from a year ago.

    Amazing when you look at them side by side.

  530. Hot Irk, End Gig
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#480): Your suggestion is being taken under advisement. However, 9CL is behaving itself as of late, so the hottest irk is all flowing Batiuk-ways.

  531. Hot Irk, End Gig
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#497): We’re getting close to the quarter-post for the 2,000 post goal for ending 2011!

    C’mon, Mudges, cowboy up! Over at TheBigLead.com, they managed to crank out a 3,000-plus comment thread on Craig James over three or four days about a month ago. Surely Batty and McElclowney can inspire the same with their Craig James-like insipidness.

    If you are not aware of who Craig James is, be blissful in your ignorance.

  532. The Gringo Kid
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#524): There were only about 3 storylines this year in 9CL

    Didn’t the Granny Nazi Fucker story spill into 2011? Or was that all in 2010? In my defense, it did seem to go on for years.

  533. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#525): Oh yeah, Rechin died, right? However, with Crock, it didn’t affect it too much, because Rechin wasn’t a particularly good artist or writer. With B.C., I had noticed a marked difference. The lack of religious themes in the Hart-less version of B.C. (pun not intended) may have been to the relief to some, but you have to admit the art and writing took a noticeable nosedive.

  534. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    Actually, many of us were finding the strip funny for the first time in a while. Hart was a genius in his prime, but he was a tired old man by the time he shuffled off the coil, sad to say. It was a rare case when the inheritors actually improved the product — not from its prime, but from what it had been for at least a decade.

  535. Droopy Says
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#518): I’ll try to keep on track with the Peter Parker, Assguard jokes, although his caboose could use a good switching.

  536. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Islamorada Girl (#515): Ooh—and here I am, just about to take one of my special leftover Paris pain pills for my dark-blue finger (dropped a hot-tub control panel cover on it this afternoon); you think some Grey Goose would expedite the effects?

    Maybe not such a good idea. Next thing you know, I could be putting mining baskets on Lolly and demanding that she take me to the gold mine—but avoid the wolves—or getting some crazy craving for the Kidnap a la Mode (with rainbow swirl, of course).

  537. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Hot Irk, End Gig (#533): Ooh, I’m curious now. But the Internet has led me down paths I don’t want to go down, and I regret visiting Sonichu.com.

    @The Gringo Kid (#534): It ended by December 2010, though a few strips promoted the release of the book, which seemed silly given all the “it’s art” puffery McEldowney has done over the years.

    @Droopy Says (#514): If Mary Worth was realistic, she would have died a lot time ago. If Funky Winkerbean was realistic, we would have followed around Les, which would mostly consist of moping around, eating cheap, sodium-filled food, doing inappropriate things while watching even more inappropriate DVDs, and having lost his daughter to child protective services a long time ago. Women would not have anything to do with him. Children would cross the street to avoid walking next to his house. Alternatively, Les would re-marry and move on with his life. He might even be a decent person! If Rex Morgan was realistic, Rex would have lost his license to practice medicine, at least in the State of California.
    [*] (please tell me if the [*] doesn’t work, and if doesn’t, tell me how to correct it)

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#536): I still think that the inheritors made it worse. There was some comment on here this year that was something along the lines of “I liked B.C. better when it told me I was going to hell” over some particularly inane joke.

  538. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#526): That’s one for the COTW.

  539. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#453):

    Billingsley admits he cannot draw a convincingly draw an unattractive person.

    The problem might be that Billingsley pretty much only draws unattractive people. If everyone you draw is pretty homely already, how do you take it a step further to render “plain”?

  540. Ned Ryerson
    December 26th, 2011 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#121): sorry Rocky, going way back here, but this thread is only gonna get screwier. I was talking about the newspaper name change, which isn’t really a rigamarole to me, but some folks seem to be reacting as if it were a big deal. I guess I was just trying to further comment on local matters that don’t mean much to most of the readers here. BTW, the Times has better comics than the Trib, but not by much. I’m a Times home delivery subscriber for more than ten years. When I do find a Trib in my hands I think, yuck, what is this? Oh well.

    Let’s pad this thing like Moy! Hey, Rainbow Swirl. Isn’t that “The Move” the Good Humor Man does to his girlfriend?

  541. Peanut Gallery
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#374): I’m late to the metric system discussion, but: The optimum solution is simply to switch our number system over from base 10 to base 12, and adopt corresponding measurement systems that ascend and descend by factors of 12. Then we can multiply and divide quantities by 12 just by moving the radix point (a dozen is 10, a gross is 100), and divide quantities by 2, 3, 4, or 6 without ever getting a repeating “decimal”. Problem solved. You’re welcome. ;-)

  542. Pseudo3D
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#542): Maybe not padding to particularly inane and NSFW conversations, but we got to set a benchline: 1661 comments were done last year before the next thread (P.S., Uncle Lumpy, spam on #1666)
    Last year at this time, it was only up to around 270 by the end of December 26, but that post was on the 24th.

  543. odinthor
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    #457. [OM]M.

    Marmaduke – I think you’ll find that the usual notion of “customer” includes the concept of “payment” rather than just “invading the store and taking stuff.”

    Hahaha! You’re joking, right? … Right? … Uh-oh. Gulp! Maybe that’s the reason those mall dudes with badges kept chasing me. And here I thought it was my sparkling eyes and boyish grin.

  544. Ed Power, Cage Writer
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#495):

    Thanks guys. We really need to do a Lily spin off. Our e-mail always shot up whenever she appeared. :)

  545. Baka Gaijin
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#543): I was in both countries when their respective Woolworth(s) closed. Woolies was much more integrated into English life than the US version was. The German Woolworths went into bankruptcy without me, but was saved from death by a grocery store company. Bringing this back to comics, they’re celebrating opening their 200th store with a special on this product [shivers].

    @Peanut Gallery (#544): Yeah, that’ll work in America, where people can’t do the math to figure out which is the best buy.

  546. Peanut Gallery
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#411):

    Who was the scientist who said that the world is not only queerer than we know, but may be queerer than we CAN know?

    J. B. S. Haldane. Arthur C. Clarke often cited a paraphrase of it.

  547. Peanut Gallery
    December 26th, 2011 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#422): Why not shut down the comments on the older posts? I imagine a new comment on a years-old post wouldn’t be read by many people anyway.

  548. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#539): I still think that the inheritors made it worse.
    I recognize your opinion, but for me it was the first time in years I started reading BC with some reasonable expectation of being amused instead of embarrassed for my earlier enthusiasm. Even now, despite the fact the style is shifting just ever so slightly, it’s funny at least twice a week, instead of maybe five times a year. The weaknesses it has are pretty much Hart’s weaknesses — constant anachronism chief among them — minus the evangelical zeal that led him to forego humor in favor of bizarre visual metaphors cloaked in “you gotta be kidding me” language.

    @Baka Gaijin (#548): I was in both countries when their respective Woolworth(s) closed.
    I was sorry to see them go. The Woolworth in Denver was so big it had doors on 15th and 16th Streets, and there was a section in the basement with crazy occult stuff, like Good Luck Spray, and wiggle pictures of Jesus on the cross (when I went back to get one of those, they were gone, but I got a good El Santo movie). The one near our house in Virginia hung on to the end, minus their famous lunch counter, and I bought stuff there whenever possible. And of course the Woolco in Statesboro is where I paid 99 cents for Myron Floren’s “Disco Polka” LP, a move I have never regretted for so much as a second.

  549. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#550): Why not shut down the comments on the older posts? I imagine a new comment on a years-old post wouldn’t be read by many people anyway.
    Yeah, but it’s so much fun to go back to Josh’s oldest postings and submit the first comment.

  550. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#551): You were around when the United States Woolco closed in 1983, or when the Canadian Woolco became Wal-Mart in ’94? (for those wondering, Woolco was the Woolworth discount store concept, though they were more like Target than Kresge’s Kmart or Wal-Mart)

  551. commodorejohn
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#547): Yes, you really do :D

  552. Faster than a Speeding Bullet
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#524):

    MW: Mary turns down Jeff’s marriage proposal. Again.

  553. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#456): [Re: Nelik] Except for the fingers, you just described Ziggy.

    @Sequitur (#508): Not to be confused with “Rusty the Bailiff” from The People’s Court.

  554. Mr. O'Malley
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#550): Not to mention all the people who think it’s funny to post things like “Greetings from the future, people of 2007!”.

  555. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @Hot Irk, End Gig (#533): Forget Craig James, I wanna crank out 3,000+ comments on this guy:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:James_Craig_in_Boys_Ranch_trailer.jpg

  556. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#478):

    COTW nominee!

  557. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    Crankshat – Asshole of the year!

  558. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#553): I was in Georgia in 1983. I don’t recall if I saw the last day of the store or not. We moved to Houston the same year, so I could have missed it. I didn’t miss the close-out sales, though, with the fire-sale prices.

  559. Walker of Dog
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    GT: “Now Bowen is removing the tattoo – wait a minute, it’s just a sticker! The crowd isn’t too happy with this development, but it does keep their minds off the ballgame.”

    S-M: “Hey buddy, my eyes are up here… Oh, you meant my actual sledgehammer. I got it.”

    MW: He’s so menacing. Just look at him, sitting there playing tin-can telephone with his imaginary friend.

  560. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    MT – “How is that duck band story coming along”. DUCK?!

    Methinks that Jackerod is fucking with us folks!

  561. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#542): Ditto on your St. Pete Times vs. Tampa Tribune comments. I’m also nodding my head in agreement because you’re absolutely right — most ‘mudges don’t know (or care!) about the longtime rivalry between these two newspapers.

    And “Rainbow Swirl” is what Butch and Woim did to Rainbow Brite in the girls’ restroom during recess…

  562. Droopy Says
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker, Assguard: First day with the new title, and Parker pampers me with a pun about pants. Parker you are just too hip!

    RM, MD: Pull some emotional blackmail on an unstable minor who’s still recovering from a drug overdose and a near-rape. Yep, that’s what makes this strip a classic.

    Family Circus: That’s kinda funny, but to be really funny the melonheads need some brains. “Humor Mommy and Daddy,” Billy tells Dolly, “don’t let them know we were reading Darwin!”

    Pluggers: According to the Comics Kingdom blurb, Pluggers represent 80% of the public. Uh, Brookins? 80% of Americans don’t own a car that’s over a dozen years old.

    Mark Trail: “You are right, I do not believe it!” Editor Bill says in obsessively-uncontracted Trailian grammar. “Even J. Jonah Jameson would not believe a cockamamie story like that! Now where is the story I told you to get? What is the name of this duck band? Who is their lead singer? Who are their drummer and bass guitarist? Who plays the tenor sax?”

  563. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#552): No one’s mentioned W.T. Grant yet, but my mother worked at one of their stores in the late 1960s:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._T._Grant

  564. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:03 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#563):

    … “Rainbow Swirl” is what Butch and Woim did …

    I believe you mean, “Butch and ‘Woim’.”

  565. Comcis Fan
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow! Mary’s going full-on crime-fighter! We might even have a car chase with ’70s detective-show wacka-wacka music. If I were more skilled at drawing, I’d come up with a scary picture of Mary in a Wonder Woman-type leotard costume with cape, looking angry and meddling and righteously indignant and all finger pointing. Those purse-snatchers don’t know what they unleashed.

  566. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith — After smoking marijuana in the barn with Jamey, a ravenously hungry Jughaid Smif decides to heat up an entire 40-gallon drum of popcorn from the local Sut’s Club®

  567. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#567):

    … a scary picture of Mary in a Wonder Woman-type leotard costume with cape …

    Brace yourself.

  568. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#566): Or “Tommy Bond” and “Sidney Kibrick”… (Picky, picky, picky!)

  569. Droopy Says
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    Non Sequitur: NSFBG.

  570. Comcis Fan
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#569): Yikes! Thanks, Uncle Lumpy! This version is more reader-friendly than what I was imagining, which is more along the lines of that Rose is Rose mom when she feels all sexy and powerful.

  571. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy — The Marmelstein family dog was named “Duke Marmelstein”… which was changed to Marmaduke when he went into show business.

  572. John C Fremont
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#562): Hokey smoke! I hadn’t caught that. And that’s just the kind of shiny object my brain usually sees right away. I’m so ashamed. (puts paper bag over his head)

    The “big town” near where I grew up had a Woolworth store. It closed long ago, of course, but as far as I know the Ben Franklin Store is still open. They used to have a sign that read “Locally owned, nationally known,” which I took to mean that people in New York and DC knew about our little store in Middle Of Nowhere, Iowa. I always wondered how they knew…

  573. John C Fremont
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#574): Come to think of it, it had occurred to me as a kid that maybe our little store being “nationally known” might have had something to do with the time Bonnie and Clyde came through town. It was just down the road from where the police captured Gene Hackman and Estelle Parsons.

    I wonder if Bonnie and BooBoo ever came through town. Or Trots and Bonnie.

  574. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#575): What? No Barney and Clyde joke? Feh. This is a discussion forum about (mostly) lamestream COMIC STRIPS, and the best you can do is crack wise about Trots and Bonnie?

  575. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Rip Haywire — I predict the winnah in the “Name TNT’s Pup Contest” will be Rocky Stoneaxe’s Napoleon Dynamite. (WOOF!)

  576. Ned Ryerson
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    This Rainbow Swirl? Was it a counterclockwise swirl? Was there a knuckle involved? The people want to know.

  577. John C Fremont
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#576): Oops! I guess I could also have thrown in Barney Google and Snuffy Smith. Say, I wonder how many days it’s been since anyone’s seen Barney…

  578. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    GT – Has that always been Milford’s logo? Because it’s, um, ugly and stupid-looking. And if it’s going to be the center of this purported plot, it would have been smart to make it less ugly and stupid-looking, unless this one is already enshrined in Mudlark tradition.

    MW – Oh gods, please let Mary block the parking lot exit with her car! And let Grumpy McBeerguzzler T-bone her prized 1988 Crown Vic! That would be the best MW ever!! (With the possible exception of Aldo. And Jill.)

    Plug – All of everyone’s vehicles and electronics were made in the last millennium – between 1011 and 2011.

    Slylock – So Danny Dog, DDS, has pulled one of his own two remaining teeth while waiting for a patient to respond. Apparently he practices on himself.

    OtH – Somebody has been reading CC, or is channeling us.

    FOOB – OK, they’ve been married how many years? And she had no idea he couldn’t cope with crowds of more than three people. Argh.

  579. ArchieNemesis
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Today must be “National Tin Ear Comics” Day, when every bit of dialogue seems forced, and plot exposition is king, at the expense of natural-sounding conversation. Characters are slapping at school “logo” tattoos as announcers describe their actions, and explaining how wounded Saudi men came to implicate others in far-fetched plots, and manipulating roofied teens through backwards logic, and describing communications failures in long labored sentences.
    Examples include:
    “Dick, this is my old army buddy, Rabbi Michael Marmelstein!”
    “I heard you went to a teetotaler party last night!”
    “I’m a fake fake wrestler.”
    “She has not yet seen me so I must make myself known.”
    “How is the duck band story coming along?”
    The awkward constructions and punchline set-ups tend to kill any humor. I did get a chuckle out of Phantom, however, where a minor character says, “No questions asked!” and then immediately asks a question.

  580. Little Guy
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Merry Christmas, and Happy Kwanzaa to all! And congrats to end-of-the-year Floaters and COTW, sponsored by Discount Dance Supply Girl and Christian Singles Girl!

    y9CL: Okay, McE, you get this one. But only if you admit this is in the “sexy as hell” category.

    Last Week’s S4th: Perfect, Ces. Perfect.

    Sunday’s PBS: Pastis, you magnificent bastard. It was worth the wait.

    This week’s Curtiskwanzaaganza, Guest Writer, Gary Trudeau: “Then Rudolph was asked to accept his party’s nomination for President. This infuriated Clarice, who had campaigned for President for two years….”

  581. Little Guy
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    MT: See, Parker? THAT is how you screw over a colleague!

  582. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#578): No one does a “Rainbow Swirl” better than our good friends at Hanna-Barbera:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmVU81WL8LM

  583. tb4000
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    9CL: This is the most I’ve enjoyed this strip ever. The silence is much more attractive than the imagery.

  584. gleeb
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#555): Ziggy has a face. I’m picturing a blank sphere.

    Slylock: That bear is disgusted. I think he knows the elephant only comes to get gas.

    Arlo: The father was Nelik!

    Baby Blues: It’s December 27. Are Kirkman and Scott Orthodox or something?

    ‘shaft: Batiuk must have demanded smirking.

    Nelik: It’s a fiercely unsentimental “reimagining” of The Hobbit?

    ‘bean: Like Gil Thorp, but without the wacky tattoo. Or Lini Verde. Or anything good. I take it back, all this has in common with Gil Thorp is basketball and a jackass with a vandyke.

    Mutt and Jeff: Remember, kids, “help lick Japs”. And I don’t think they’re proposing a freaky trans-Pacific orgy, either.

    Phantom: “That was a question!” *Skullpunch!

  585. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Six Chix: “Time to break out the fruitcake gun! We don’t have to use it as the curtains anymore!”

    Apartment 3-G: Is…Is Margo recapping the past year for Lu Ann’s convenience? Is she going to catch Lu Ann up on who she didn’t marry and why next?

    Barney Google: Well, there’s our unspeakable filth for the day. Thanks, John Rose!

    Crankshaft: So, who are Batiuk and Ayers most insulting with this “TV set? He bought two!?” joke? Is it Ungrateful Non-Boomer Rotten Girl, or is it All Those Ungrateful Non-Boomers Who I Think Never Heard Of TV Sets, or is it the readers who’re given the job of figuring out what the joke is even supposed to be?

    Family Circus: Well, some adorable little melon-headed moppets are daily sinners, looks like.

    Funky Winkerbean: I look forward to Gil Thorp making them get tattoos and be ignored.

  586. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Frazz: gives a shout-out to the Chips.

    9CL: ok, that’s a typical Sunday trope.

    IP: a better Thor story in 3 panels than weeks of Spidey.

    NS: NOT SAFE FOR BAKA GAIGIN!!!!!!!!

    OTH: as close to a shout-out without being a shout-out to Josh as it gets.

    FW: in a better strip, this would be the lead-in to furious make-up sex in the shower after the game.

    JP: it’s still December, but April is blooming.

    PMP: buzzed driving is buzzed driving. . . .

    Ghost-who-glares: that’s another question, boatguy.

    RwO: GraphJams!

    F-: guest star, our very own Sequitur!

  587. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . bareback.

  588. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    GT basketball guy has just reduced his college choices to two, and he should be hoping that Missouri comes a ‘callin’, cuz being a Smelly Weasel is a fate not to be wished on anyone, even someone from Milford.

  589. UncleJeff
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Last week, I told you about a letter to the editor of the Star-Tribune objecting to the “villainous wolves” arch in “Mark Trail.”
    Today — two responses!

    I was puzzled by the Dec. 17 letter writer who questioned “continued inaccuracies in the portrayal of wildlife” in the comic strip “Mark Trail.” The strip has never been as simple as this literal interpretation.

    Each day readers are commissioned to reflect on its multidimensional meaning. “Mark Trail” is America’s story — one of intense philosophical searching (Lost Forest), one of temptation and lust (Kelly Welly), and one of purity and ultimate redemption (Trail’s companions Cherry, Doc, Rusty and, most important, his dog and best friend, Andy).

    Were the wolves in the strip referred to by the letter writer wrongly portrayed as hungry, vicious killers? A thousand times no! Are angry wolves a metaphor for the conflict and strife that resides in all of us?

    Perhaps they are to be seen as Mother Nature beating the tar out of a domesticated bear, who attempts to exploit her womb? Perhaps the meaning is Old Testament: Paradise Valley in jeopardy from the lecherous Eve-figure Kelly Welly’s quest for fame.

    These are struggles we all must face. The writer belittles “Mark Trail” with his narrow analysis. I say go back to the strip and look again. Find the wilderness that you have misplaced.

    MARTY SCRIBBLE, MINNEAPOLIS

    • • •

    Really? The letter writer is getting tired of “Mark Trail” due to its continued inaccuracies in the portrayal of wildlife?

    Perhaps the writer doesn’t fully understand that a comic strip, by definition, is a cartoon telling a humorous or adventurous story. If the writer doesn’t enjoy a certain comic strip, one might suggest reading only the ones that provide personal amusement.

    Looking at a recent comics page, there were four talking dogs, a talking spider, a talking pig, talking birds and two talking cats, not to mention a newborn with a mustache and glasses.

    RANDY JENSEN, MINNETONKA

  590. Mibbitmaker
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Please, Tommie”, Margo huffed, “I’m trying to live vicariously here!”

    BBailey: Imagine what Will Elder could’ve done with that!

    Doones: Putting Sarah Palin out with the garbage. Wow. Garr’, you’ve transended your more heavy-handed political comic bretheren at their own game. Man, that’s cold.

    Ziggy: So to speak.

    H&L: TV, amIrite?

    Lio: A Space Alien’s Guide to Earth Humans 101
    (that’d make a great “Community” episode title!)

    Luann ’94: Panels 2 and 4 = readers of Luann (moreso the current version)

    R&R: Then why don’t you protest? Oh, wait….

    S4th:
    “So? Lots of people cry watching ‘Frosty’!”
    “At the beginning?!”

  591. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Henry tries to avoid getting busted on a “goat-gland implant” rap. You maybe don’t want to think too long about what gland a goat might have that quacks might want to put in human bodies.

    Mark Trail: Oh, boy, you know the plot line has collapsed when Mark has to call in suit-wearing blond guys to straighten it out.

    Marvin: Aw, annoying rat-dog what’s-his-name there thinks strangers might attempt to save his life. Isn’t that the most adorable delusion?

    Ollie and Quentin: Well, that’s an ominous gag for the strip’s last week before cancellation. And yet Crock staggers on. I wouldn’t want to stay syndicated if it meant moving to Kamchatka either, though.

    On The Fastrack: I admit to having complicated and conflicting feelings about Dethany the ominously young stone gargoyle there.

    The Pajama Diaries: I’m not a parent. Probably not going to be. Is this something real parents do or is it just crazy comic-strip talk?

  592. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:44 am [Reply]

  593. gleeb
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#594): Wow! This “dro-mo” is exciting, dramatic, and yet lyrically comic. It’s a masterpiece!

    But it still has fingers, of a sort. And eyes.

  594. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#478):
    I am in awe.

  595. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    The Piranha Club: “Why do you want him to think he’s a gerbil?” “Heck, why wouldn’t you? I mean, gerbils!”

    Slylock Fox: It must be a slow news day if Family Circus made the front page of the Slylock World Tattletale. Count Weirdly’s probably taking a vacation at the North Pole to see the penguins.

    Spider-Man: “Wow! Must be a great gym around here! They have sledge hammers and body armor!”

    Zippy the Pinhead: Hey, Logarithms, Parameters, Paradigms, Algorithm ‘n’ Stuff is a great book by Charles Seife and Jughaid Smif. Classic of the field.

  596. A Woman of a Certain Age
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Did anyone else have trouble seeing the “burrow” in the last panel? To me it looked like an eyeball on a giant animal foot. Time for my yearly eye exam.

  597. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Phantom – “No questions asked” isn’t just a rhetorical phrase. It actually means that questions, especially questions such as “where are you going with the speedboat?”, should not be asked at risk of ending up with a Skull-shaped scar on your forehead.

    ASM – “Wow, isn’t that the woman who has the lead in that off-broadway play that all the kids are talking about? My parents went the other night and they described her appearance to me, and this woman looks like the same person, except for the very different hair style!”

    9CL – Wasn’t the original plot focused on how Edda’s ass is all they were interested in, because she has a face made for radio? I guess McEldowny forgot this part of the story line. That must happen a lot when you draw your comic with one hand while all the blood rushes away from your big head.

  598. Illustrator Steve
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    MT – (Publishing editor Bill Ellis listens to Mark Trail’s absurd story as long as he can until he feels so nauseous he has to interupt): “Yeah,yeah,Mark. And next you’ll be telling me that this WATERFALL with a GOLD MINE behind it was at the end of a rainbow, RIGHT? Was there a pot of gold in there too? Maybe the happy animals hide the gold so humans would not find it. Better yet, maybe you didn’t even GO to Canada! For all I know you could have spent the last four months camping in DISNEYWORLD! But one thing is sure, you sure as HELL didn’t do what I PAY you to do! You are FIRED Trail! Pack your sleeping bag and tent and get the hell out of my office AND DON’T COME BACK! I’m giving all further assignments to KellyWelly! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” (Mark punches the Jackelrod ball on his way out of Bill’s office).

  599. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#478): Don’t knock it. The loo is where Tom Batiuk gets all of his best ideas.

  600. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, in New Mexico.

    using Ally Oop’s time machine, I have returned with a photo of bb,u at 80. \m/ \m/

    I refuse to believe this. (somewhat salacious.)

    double derp.

  601. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Luann – Per the recent discussion about why soap opera strips are so often terrible, this week’s Luann reruns give another perspective. The strip, like many, started off as a ‘cute kids (and Brad) say and do cute, though sometimes infuriating, things’. Most soap strips freeze their characters in time (A3G, RMMD, MW) and just keep grinding away. FOOB is an exception where the aging of the characters became an integral part of the plots.

    Luann became popular as a strip featuring pre-teen characters. Then Evans allowed B-Wad to age about 10 years, Luann about 5, and then re-froze their ages. So what made the strip popular went away, and we are left with this awkward, squicky, endless revenge fantasy against sexually confident young women.

    Funky Winkerbean is an obvious other entry in this category of soap strips – ones that transitioned from ‘cute kids’ to a more soap-opera style. And like Luann and FOOB, in the process the author lost what made the strip appealing in the first place and turned it into a painfully autobiographical monstrosity.

  602. bats :[
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#599): re 9CL: I recall that, too (too bad BMcE apparently doesn’t…either that, or he’s exposing himself (ew) as the typical beefwit male and demonstrating that most typical beefwit males don’t bother focusing on a woman’s face when the rest of her is on display).

  603. Mibbitmaker
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa ’11-12 ~ 12/27

    PANEL 1
    SERVO: “More like re-re-re-rebuffed.”
    CROW: “Rejected, huh? Hey, Nelik, ever notice you’re really, really white?”
    JOEL: “Don’t go there, Crow!”
    SERVO: “A paw! Even the pets shun him.”
    CROW: “Hey, this is a panel from an old MAD magazine!”

    PANEL 2
    SERVO: “They’re very specific.”

    PANEL 3
    CROW: “Hey, nelik, consider yourself lucky!”

    PANEL 4
    SERVO: “Being a vegetarian, this did not bother him.”
    JOEL: “At least he got a plate and fork.”

    PANEL 5
    SERVO: “…where the worms, grubs, and other dirt bugs all rejected him.”
    JOEL: “At least he’ll have a Tex Avery dog to keep him company.”
    CROW: “But not until the end of the cartoon, though.”
    SERVO (like the Quinn Martin announcer): “Tonight’s episode: ‘A Hole in None’!”

  604. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

  605. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#591): OK, ‘fess up – which ‘Mudgeon is Marty Scribble?

  606. Calico
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#581):
    “How is the duck band story coming along?”
    “Just don’t play any Byrds or Eagles covers, dammit!”

  607. MozartPurist
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Tues Pibgorn: Too bad Salieri doesn’t show up, as you mention in your notes today, Brooke. It would have been an interesting time to add some REAL history to your re-run. Salieri could show up at Mozart’s funeral. Salieri could show up tutoring one of Mozart’s sons in music, much to the delight of Mozart’s widow. To summarize – Salieri could show up in Mozart’s life story as the generous and loving colleague he was.

  608. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    A3G: Wasn’t there some “music star” storyline relatively recently, that was implausible? Are we jumping back into that now?

    Curtis: OK, this is set in an African village, not lower-class America. This is promising.

    FW: Keesha and Summer argue who’s going to be the most Specialist Snowflake in the Moore-Williams family. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

    Luann: At least the art matches their personality now.

    MW: Has Emily gained a lot of weight like Surly McKidnapper, too? How much ice cream did she get?

    OTH: I’ll have to agree with RJ’s disbelief in the second panel there.

    S-M: I’m sure I saw something on Superdickery riffing on a similar situation.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#565): Yes, I have, and I’m silently weeping at the fact that Kmart/Sears seems to be circling the drain. The simultaneous loss of these classic American institutions will be a tragedy.

  609. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    NS: Just about the most NSFBG single panel, ever. Even I, who generally find clowns unobjectionable, consider this image disturbing. It’s not so much the depiction of the individual clowns as it is their sheer quantity. Something that’s unremarkable by itself can take on a whole new aspect when it is done simultaneously by a multitude. Think “River Dance”, in clown shoes.

    A3G: “TA-DAH!! Tommie is now a recording star!” That’s because since we saw her last, she has somehow been transformed into Justin Bieber. But I really like Margo’s “TA-DAH!!” It seems like an appropriate acknowledgement for Tommie’s magic trick of walking straight through Lu Ann to get to the other side of the room. Magic is so much easier to perform, when you are a nebulous blob of protoplasm.

  610. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Compu-Toon adds a curious twist to its Compu-Toon-ness with Officer Bob showing up to inflict baffling techno-commentary on us. I think I like it.

    Family Tree: “The needles fell already fell off our Christmas tree.” “You should have gotten a live one, like we did. Live trees never shed needles, while artificial ones lose them all each year! Wait, what do ‘live’ and ‘artificial’ mean again?”

    Gasoline Alley: Hey, the severe head-beating has made Slim smarter! (This is known in stock market circles as a “dead cat bounce.”)

    Gil Thorp: Man, the crowd is going crazy for a Milford tattoo. Can you imagine what they’ll be like when rock-and-roll hits town? Chad and Jeremy could make them burn the city in effigy.

    Ink Pen: I did not know this about Thor’s Hammer. Do you suppose we could use this on Spider-Man?

    Kit ‘N’ Carlyle really wanted a suicidal mouse. Happy New Year, readers of blandly heartwarming comic strips!

  611. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#543): I think that’s a great idea. Perhaps we’ll soon have the technology to modify humans to have six fingers on each hand, and six toes per foot. That would certainly help the conversion.

    /* This explains why intergalactic cephalopods never progressed beyond the octal system and 8 bit computers. */

  612. Chyron HR
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Curtis – They didn’t let poor Nebbish Nelik join in their African tribesman games, how sad. But then the Snow Goose was nursed back to health and thrown into the fiery pit of Mount Doom. The End.

  613. Little Guy
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#585): Silence has fallen. Come along, Burber.

  614. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#611): Totally agree about the “multiple” effect. One kitten is cute; six kittens are cute; 150 kittens (all in one place) are scary.

  615. TheDiva
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Is Brooke finally admitting this entire strip is just an excuse for him to draw leggy women, or are we still in “it’s only sexy in your dirty, dirty mind, you beefwit” mode?

    C’shaft: I’m not sure, but I think the indication is Crankshaft is a Plugger. Another reason to dislike him.

    Curtis: “In a hole in the ground, there lived a Nelik…”

    FW: For Summer, “not communicating”=”not doing everything my way like they should because I’m the Specialest Snowflake, dammit.”

    GT: They’ll really get worked up once they learn some teams are letting them Negros play now.

    MT: It’s funny because Kelly Welly is a female and therefore can’t really compete with Mark.

    MW: I’ll say! He’s chewing on that glass like it’s candy; he’s obviously a tough customer!

    Pluggers still don’t know the difference between “the previous millennium” (ie. the years 1001-2000) and “the last millennium” (ie. the past 1000 years, which pretty much covers all cars and electronic items, period).

  616. Walker of Dog
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#591): Marty Scribble is my new hero.

    DT: “Oh, and your cups. Is everyone wearing their athletic cups? OK… then welcome to the Ultimate Fighting Chanukkah!”

  617. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Momma: Shouldn’t that be Francis on the right? Surely someone like Random Elder Figure We Never Saw Before would understand how multiple people could get to a spot at the same time.

    Over The Hedge: I’m not bothered by the cartoonist having a thing for Mary Worth. It’s his thing for not wearing pants that’s the issue.

    Pigborn: Ahem. “People have been known to ignore blogs. I make is my invariable practice.” Sounds like some poorly-translated Chinese instructions are getting pompous. Of course, this was a simple typo, and what he meant to say was obviously, “I’m better than you.”

    Reply All: If the comic strip has decided to spend the rest of its life hiding in a closet, I don’t mind.

    Ripleys: What I like about the Believe It Or Not format is that it can balance the most horribly disgusting thing I ever saw, baculovirus-infected caterpillars oozing over trees, with an even more squirmily uncomfortable thing, like a guy putting his hands around backward to play the piano.

    TerraTopia: Oh, sure, the scorpion-tailed, scorpion-clawed, humanoid rock eater thingy is just so jealous of a rock that changes colors. What the Sam Hill is going on, anyway?

  618. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#617): The past 1000 years is the last millennium? Oh right, the Mayans and all that. Carry on! (for a little while longer, that is)

  619. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#588): Concerning F-…
    1. I have way more hair than that (think George Peppard).
    2. We didn’t have sugar when I was a kid, only honey that we had to fight bees to get.
    3. We had no stones only rocks. Rocks had not eroded to stone-size yet.

    Other than that, right on.

    Oh, and Baka Gaijin, queek is correct. It’s best you leave non me alone.

  620. Here Come ole Flattop
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#569): The way that picture’s drawn it appears as though Mary’s “Depends” is leaking. I guess it’s true, you can’t be a superhero when your body starts giving out on you.

  621. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#619): tells us…

    Ripleys: What I like about the Believe It Or Not format is that it can balance the most horribly disgusting thing I ever saw, baculovirus-infected caterpillars oozing over trees, with an even more squirmily uncomfortable thing, like a guy putting his hands around backward to play the piano.

    But there’s beer! BEER I tell ya!

  622. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS: The population of Wasilla, Alaska, in the 2000 census was exactly 5469, according to this. That consisted of 2728 males and 2741 females. One of those females was Sarah Palin, then the mayor of the town.

    As all Curmudgeons know, 5469 is the exact number of days since Barney Google last appeared in the strip which he originally starred and which still bears his name. What did Sarah Palin know about Barney’s disappearance, and when did she know it? “Tater Salt Lust” is an anagram for Sut Tattersall, who also disappeared. Is “Tater”, Jughaid’s alleged brother, Sarah and Barney’s bodacious love child?

    America wants to know.

  623. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy – My god, what is that frothy mixture pouring from all the windows? What does jumpin’ mean in Hootin’ Holler, anyway??

    9 – Oh, this is rich. She’s standing there! Just standing there, looking at us! My side, it is split. This is just like a Solange cartoon, except she’s not a cat!!

    Luann – Ha ha! Their lives suck because they have each other.

  624. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Nancy – “I am explaining a cultural reference that was just made in this comic. I have done. Now it is time to laugh! Ha, ha!”

    Shoe – Oh, god, the only thing worse than having one of my old jokes show up in the comics is when it shows up in a strip that’s not funny.

  625. Shrug
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#479):

    “the Apocalyptic “666? . . .

    Or the equally Apocalyptic 740, defined as The Number of the Beast Before the Beast’s Agent Takes Out His Ten Percent.

  626. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#574): When we lived in Virginia, there was still a Ben Franklin store in (…um…) Suffolk up to the time we left, as far as I know. Instead of being a five and dime, it had morphed into a crafts store. FASCINATING BUT TRUE!

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#606): Sears and K-Mart need to see if they can pull the “We’re too big to fail” line. What’s there to lose? Hm. Thinking outside the box, maybe Sears could survive by going to a catalog-only sales model. It’s so crazy, it just might work! Oh yeah, and INTERNETS.

    @Little Guy (#615): Silence has fallen. Come along, Burber
    Edda is taking part in a tasteless recreation of the Black Dahlia murder case. Anything for money, eh Edda?

    @wossname (#616): One kitten is cute; six kittens are cute; 150 kittens (all in one place) are scary.
    Harrison Ford (wearily): “Kittens. Why does it always have to be kittens?”

    @Chip Whittle (#619): Funny thing is, Brooke probably doesn’t even know this blog exists. He’s all bent out of shape over some fan blog that worships everything he does, but recently made a mildly critical remark over some lengthy Thorax digression. FUNNY BUT MAYBE TRUE!

  627. hogenmogen
    December 27th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#501): Baka, if I recall correctly, your name came from a crapped up birthday cake, am I right? I’ve been getting in to cakewrecks.com, where they do the same thing to professionally done cakes that the CC does to comics.

    Josh reads the comics so we don’t have to, but Jen doesn’t eat the cake so you don’t have to. Anyway, it’s just a recommendation.

  628. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers Dec. 27, 2032 edition: “Pluggers’ kitchens and laundry rooms all run on Kenmore appliances from Sears.” I’m calling it now.

  629. commodorejohn
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I’m sorry, did the year just lap itself?

    A&J – Aww…

    Curtis – So that’s how Hobbiton was founded!

    DT – Well, who would’ve thought that Dick Tracy would do a better series of Hanukkah strips than Edge City? (I haven’t actually read Edge City at all this month, but I figure it’s a given.) [*]

    FC – I admit it, I laughed.

    GT – Awfully easily-entertained, this crowd.

    JP – “Are my breasts jutting enough to make the problem go away? I could heave my chest a little if it’ll help.”

    Mandrake – So, uh, what is the source of this deus ex moochina, anyway? Did the cows just pass a referendum to start a stampede?

    MT – “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t believe it. What the hell, did you two find some magic mushrooms up in Sasketario or wherever?”

    MW – Oh, I don’t know. At the rate he’s putting on weight, he’ll probably be immobilized by the time the police get there.

    OBH – Do you think, eventually, that One Big Happy and Agnes will sort of merge into one strip?

    Phantom – “Huh? Huh? Am I right? Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?”

    Peanuts – This certainly isn’t uncomfortably familiar at all!

    RMMD – “So yeah, we basically saved you so our new employee would be able to keep working. You know how it is, we’re smug rich dicks in a Woody Wilson strip.”

    SF – I think Faye is trying to send a message here.

    SM – *snicker* “Lookit that sledge-hammer!,” eh? Peter Gabriel can tell you all about it.

    Ziggy – Ziggy isn’t people!

  630. Shrug
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#577):

    “Rip Haywire — I predict the winnah in the “Name TNT’s Pup Contest” will be Rocky Stoneaxe’s Napoleon Dynamite. (WOOF!)”

    Appropos of nothing much, has anyone besides me mused on how RIP HAYWIRE seems to be turning into a Bizarro-world version of MARK TRAIL?

    We’ve always had “travelling around to improbable adventures involving smugglers and such good puncher but maybe not too bright” Rip = Mark

    Rip has a kid sidekick whose name I can’t remember at the moment = Rusty, and a dog who is probably more intelligent than he is = Andy

    The long-term adult dog has now been joined by a puppy = Sassy

    Rip has now proposed to his long-time sweetie Cobra = Cherry

    And his father has now become a regular member of the cast = Pop, and they seem to have a (new?) base camp in Big Whoop Valley = Lost Forest

    Some differences of course — the dog in RIP can talk, Cobra gets to go on adventures with Rip (and they seem to be a lot more physical than Mark and Cherry ever get), Rip is a freelance soldier of fortune type rather than an alleged magazine writer, and RIP has much more intentional humor and much less unintentional humor than MARK does. Also, no giant squirrels in RIP. Yet.

  631. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#628): It should be worth noting that at the time of the merger, Sears had lots of money (comparatively, old Montgomery Ward didn’t). It should also be worth noting that Kmart Corp. was taken over by someone who wanted primarily the real estate assets, then bought Sears Roebuck & Co., and converted it into Sears Holdings Corporation. He gave himself large bonuses while letting stores deteriorate (Occupy protesters have a point there). They made a lot of decisions that shouldn’t have been done, but one of the things they want to do is sub-lease out stores (they’ve converted some Super Kmart stores into Sears Outlet/Kmart stores, though it’s not very well-integrated, and interestingly, one of the GAINS Kmart/Sears made was in groceries…whoops)

    The largest Sears in America in Woodfield Mall is 400,000 square feet (Walmart Supercenters have around half that on average). Sears could, in theory, convert half of it into a Super Kmart and have plenty to spare…it’s tragic to watch these two classic brands circle the drain…if I was in charge or in power I’d really CLEAN UP. At least I bought a Christmas gift at the only Sears/Kmart store in town (a 86,000 square feet Sears in the mall).

    Enough obsessing! It’s only gonna make my holiday worse!

    And Ben Franklin did transform into an arts and craft stores, though there are reportedly five-and-ten BFs around.

  632. Anne
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    There were two letters to the editor published today in the Minneapolis Star Tribune regarding the Hidden Valley storyline of Mark Trail. One was very, very impassioned. Here’s the link http://www.startribune.com/opinion/letters/136164313.html Enjoy!Merry Chrismannukawanzaa!

  633. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#633): Sounds like the owner of Sears/K-Mart is using something like the “blowout” business model, where somebody — usually crooks — buys an established business with a good name, borrows as much as they can on that name, sells everything at the fastest price point practicable, lets stuff fall apart, leaves a wreck, and moves on to the next acquisition. It seems to be a very popular model in today’s climate.

    Side note: I have a set of 100 stereo slides (printed, not photographed) showing every aspect of the Sears operation at an undisclosed date that looks like it’s sometime in the 1920s, if not before. If my mom purchased them, they would have been the late 20s. Otherwise, they could be earlier. It’s a great trip through the factory that makes every damn thing in the world.

  634. Little Guy
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    FW: With the end of the lockout and the abrupt start of the season, the Pwecious Snowflakes of Westview struggle in the Midwest Division.

  635. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#631):

    Re: JP – Much like a Mormon compound, DriverParkerland exiles all heterosexual, sexually-active males while they are still teenagers. This allows the remaining men to go about their lives, accompanied by purely decorative trophy wives, without worrying that sexual urges will lead to weakness and a usurpation by the women of the perks of a plutocratic patriarchy. In other words, April can throw those things around as much as she wants, but the outcome of her case will not be affected – it was predetermied once Lt. Yelich ran her credit check and reviewed her birth certificate.

  636. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#569): I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same again after looking at that picture. It be a joy if Giellam just every now and thenm did something a little subversive with the strip’s art. But let’s be honest, Giella was born in 1928. He’s pushing 84 years old. Most of the strip isn’t drawn anymore, it’s just pieces of clip art shuffled together.

    Are the legacy strips places where they hand out the cartoonists version of retirement? “We don’t have a pension program, but here, take over Mary Worth. You can call it in as much as you want, because people don’t really care, and it will keep a paycheck coming for you.” Given all the things there are to worry about in this world, I think welfare strips for octogenarian artists are something I will choose not to complain too much about. Giella’s earned his twilight time.

    The relatively youthful Karen Moy had us all hoping that the story-telling would improve and she did give us Aldo-mania, but the recent plots have been bizarrely, um, plotless.

  637. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#624): Chip Whittle has steadfastly refused to answer the question I posed to him on June 16, 2011:

    By the way, has Henry’s father ever appeared in the strip?

    At the time, I wasn’t suspicious of Chip’s non-response to my simple query about the complete and utter absence of Henry’s father from the “Henry” comic strip. However, I’ve since learned that Chip was caught cavorting with Henry’s mother (by the latter’s husband) nine months before Henry was born. And years later, Mr. Whittle was observed by Sut Tattersall and Barney Google sharing a jug of corn likker — and an intimate moment — with one Missus Loweezy Smif of Hootin’ Holler.

    Not only is Chip Whittle responsible for the disappearance of three of the comic page’s most beloved characters, but he owes millions of dollars in back child support. (Yes, the two baldies — Henry and Tater — are chips off the ol’ Whittle!)

  638. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#571): Baka says “Thanks.”

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#588): Ditto.

    @Chip Whittle (#597) on Slylock Fox: I saw what you did there!

    @seismic-2 (#611): “Think ‘River Dance’, in clown shoes.” How about no.

  639. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#635): The particularly tragic part is, Kmart had a model in 2002 that everyone LIKED. They created a new green-and-gray logo to differentiate itself from Target, got customer feedback, remodeled the facades to make it much more modern (it even had the city name on the outside) and made it a very attractive store. Meanwhile, Sears created “Sears Grand”, basically an upscale Wal-Mart knockoff, with bright signage, an open floorplan, and an expanded selection. After the merger, the Sears Grand was used for poorly-converted Kmarts, and the green-and-gray Kmart was abandoned entirely.

  640. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    MT: Kelly’s in luck: She’s writing a goose band story. Now Wooden Wildlife can run both of them!

    MW: Oh, I hope it will come to that! I want to see Mary, tiny and hunched behind the wheel of her Buick, looking straight ahead with heroic determination as Grumpy McNabster starts to leave the parking lot, sees her there, realizes the jig is up, backs up, and guns his engines to barrel right through her. As he revs the engines and prepares to bash the driver’s side of the car, Mary will whisper, “This is for you, pretty Emily,” and as his car screams toward her, she’ll raise her head and shout, “I’m comin’, Aldo! Save a swig for me!”

  641. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#638): Yes, that post was rife with editing failure. Forgive me.

  642. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

  643. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Also, could someone give me tips on how to make the mouseover “[*]“? abbr title apparently didn’t work.

    @Cloudbuster (#638): I’m disappointed in Moy. Lizamania had an extremely disappointing conclusion, the soccer player story was even worse, that kite story was just plain stupid, and it was just pretty bad this year. Meanwhile, Giella just has the Mary Head template with a few hairstyles. I mean, the waitress looks like a pallet-swapped Adrian! Mary’s facial expressions have been fun this last past week, it’s not to the point of the infamous Tim Buckley “B^U”. At least Giella COULD draw in the past.

  644. Batman Beatles
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    MW – At least the kidnapper is nice enough to let the girl color some pictures.

  645. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#547)/Uncle Lumpy: AAAAAAH! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY COMMENT! I’M NOT A SPAMMER, BRO!

  646. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

  647. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#618) on Dick Tracy: I’d watch that.

    @Sequitur (#621): Will do!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#624): “Is ‘Tater’, Jughaid’s alleged brother, Sarah and Barney’s bodacious love child? America wants to know.” That’s just yuck. Ick. Bleah. Yucko.

    @hogenmogen (#629): That’s a much more interesting backstory for my nick than the actual truth. I was living in Japan where “Baka Gaijin” means something like “stupid foreigner.”

    @commodorejohn (#631): “Are my breasts jutting enough to make the problem go away? I could heave my chest a little if it’ll help.” You’d be surprised how often this works. Not that I’d know from personal experience or anything.

    @Pseudo3D (#647): If there was a clown in that post, I nuked it. Sorry but that’s just the way I roll.

  648. bats :[
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#565): my mom bought our second artificial Christmas tree at W.T. Grants in the mid-1960s. It was 7′ tall, and we still use it every year (well, the top half — we’ve become rather lazy and only use the 4′ section on a card table covered with a hand-made “playhouse” that my mother made). While it’s lost its share of needles, I have yet to find a tree that can accommodate all of the toys (space and weight) we’ve collected over many, many years.
    I hope K-Mart can hold out (Tucson only has two Sears and 1 K-Mart, so I’m not sure how this will all play out).

  649. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#565): What about Sky City, TG&Y and Korvettes? Won’t anyone think about the Korvettes???

  650. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#649): I referred to your post because it had a reference to mine, just because that’s where it was.

  651. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#473): GGGRRROOOOooooohhhhhnnnnn!

  652. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#649): tells us…

    @commodorejohn (#631): “Are my breasts jutting enough to make the problem go away? I could heave my chest a little if it’ll help.” You’d be surprised how often this works. Not that I’d know from personal experience or anything.

    Talk about mixed emotions if you ever encountered this.

  653. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#543): Now see — that’s logical.

  654. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    MW – Well, I was already inclined to think that the so-called kidnapper was not a very nice person, but his behavior the past few days has solidified my impression. He is the kind of person who orders a bottle of beer, then pours it into a dirty plastic cup from the diner and drinks from out of the cup. OH THE HUMANITY!!

    Now, pouring beer from a can into a cup is one thing – excusing if we must the fact that you are a person who is attending events in which they serve freaking Bud Light in a goddamn can as a ‘refreshment’. But going from a glass bottle to a plastic cup? Just clinches the conclusion that our kidnapper really is a Cro-Magnon.

  655. kkarenb
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#580): Re: MW – Don’t forget the shootout at the SantaRoyaleMart!

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#599): Re: 9CL – I recall that the two evil businessmen suddenly decided to invoke the clause in Edda’s contract that required her to advertise whatever they wanted. I wasn’t paying close enough attention to figure out why they were doing it, although it seemed that they were doing it because they could. The decision seemed really arbitrary. This entire story has been heavy-handed to the extreme.

    A3G – “I’m recording an album of songs by a new songwriter named Sophie. She just started songwriting this morning, and now everyone is clamoring to record her work.”

  656. Joshua
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#587): Crankshaft: This isn’t a great joke, but there is a joke here. The joke is that Ed is so cheap that his granddaughter is shocked to learn that he has purchased more than one television set in his lifetime.

  657. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    MW: Emily (assuming) is drawing a snowman and her kidnapper’s (again, assuming) gigantic windbreaker. She’s trying to tell us something. Did the bad man hurt Frosty?

    SFx: I’d really recommend that the bear look into other dentists his insurance might cover.

    S-M: Thor’s attempt to look inconspicuous by dumping his helmet and cape worked about as well as you’d expect. He’s attracted the requisite number of Peter Gabriel fans, too.

    9CL: Haha, it’s funny because… I got nuttin’.

    Blondie: My Mr. Dithers, your hair is looking pointy today.

    GA: Maybe Slim should have bought a guppy instead of getting married. Oh, the fish would get pissed off at his stupidity too, but would be physically incapable of yelling at him.

    H&L: Trixie, of course, recognizes the fire as Sunbeam’s cousin. And she wants to let it play and play and play, all through the house.

    FC: As far as most parents are concerned, Dolly is close enough.

    WofI: Jeff Parker must have a Ziggy calendar in his office, where it’s always early-to-mid April.

    Curtis: So Omelas is somewhere in Africa? Live and learn, I guess.

    GT: Not only is the crowd going wild, but the kid behind Marty is having a coughing fit all over the back of his head. Hope the station that pays Marty in sixpacks can spare him some disinfectant too.

    Phantom: So which part is Rental Guy having trouble with? The “no”, the “questions” or the “asked”?

  658. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#645): Use this in the first set of angle brackets:
    a title=”Whatever”
    (where “Whatever” is standing in for the text you want to have showing up)
    and of course the slash and the a in angle brackets after the text you want to have the mouseover associated with. It’s just like a hyperlink with a tooltip, only without the link. Things used to show in a different-looking type, but for some bad reason, it stopped working that way one day, so now we have the asterisk in square brackets.

  659. commodorejohn
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#656): Hear, hear! The glass bottle is the container adult beverages were made for. (Soft drinks as well, on the condition that they are made with #$^&*!@ real sugar and not @#%*&$^@#%&#% corn syrup.)

    However, if you continue to slander real hominids by comparison to Mary Worth characters, I shall arrange for a time portal to the Upper Paleolithic to open in your bathroom.

  660. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Mary, Mary, Mary. Set your index finger to “Pontificate” and tongue to “Turbo Meddle” to keep Stocky McKidnapper immobilized in the diner booth. He’ll be pleading with the police to take him to the safety of prison.

    BUSTED! Proof positive Daddy Zits is seeing Cathy on the side. Who else’s Nokia would have such a ThunderThighs-worthy contacts list?

    Oh dear. Yet another time I miss Dingo’s unique point of view. He’d have a field day with today’s Snuffy Smith. [flashing Dingo Signal at the clouds]

  661. Trillian
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#591): “Marty Scribble”, I know that you are here somewhere. Show yourself.

    I just spent Christmas in my husband’s hometown of Ripon, WI, where there isn’t much for shopping besides the local Kmart. I have to say that that was the cleanest, best organized, most well-stocked Kmart I have seen in my adult life…and on Christmas Eve to boot. In the Twin Cities, Kmarts, the few that are left, are generally filthy trashholes only good as a chance for getting popular items such as video games that have already been sold out at Target and Walmart.

    The moral of the story is that, without competition, Kmart isn’t too bad. In a field dense with other discount stores, they don’t even try.

  662. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#654): Mixed emotions? I guess you could call terror mixed with explosive anal discharge “mixed emotions.” You really need to put a warning on that link.

  663. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#662):

    Oh dear. Yet another time I miss Dingo’s unique point of view. He’d have a field day with today’s Snuffy Smith. [flashing Dingo Signal at the clouds]

    That’s what I was thinking, too. I thought about doing an “is that what they’re calling it?” type snark, but it takes a real Dingo to do justice to it.

  664. bats :[
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#654): OTOH, if this was 9CL, you’d never even glance at her face. Crisis averted.

  665. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#639):

    At the time, I wasn’t suspicious of Chip’s non-response to my simple query about the complete and utter absence of Henry’s father from the “Henry” comic strip. However, I’ve since learned that Chip was caught cavorting with Henry’s mother (by the latter’s husband) nine months before Henry was born.

    Oh, come now. I don’t go back far enough to be Henry’s father. George Washington doesn’t go back far enough to be Henry’s father. Methuselah doesn’t go back far enough to be Henry’s father. Jack Benny doesn’t–well, hang on, there might be something there.

    @Baka Gaijin (#640):

    @Chip Whittle (#597) on Slylock Fox: I saw what you did there!

    Heh-heh-heh.

  666. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#549):

    Why not shut down the comments on the older posts? I imagine a new comment on a years-old post wouldn’t be read by many people anyway.

    Unfortunately, the WordPress “Allow Comments” flag controls the ability to see comments as well as post them. So to reduce our profile as a spam target, we’d effectively be allowing spammers to censor past comments.

    Clearing out new spam isn’t much of a burden — Spam Karma gets most of it, and I use a bookmark to keep track of where I left off chronologically. And I’m not compulsive about cleaning up old threads — it’s more of a brain-idling recreation.

  667. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#647):

    This is teh odd — your comment shows up in the database but doesn’t display here. I’ll see what I can do.

    Update: I was wrong about that (looking at the wrong comment) — maybe you closed your browser before clicking “Post”?

  668. yaoi huntress earth
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: For the love of God, Brooke, please stop masturbating and write another arc with your characters being their normal, horrible selves.

  669. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#664): Oh, by the way. @Sequitur (#654): is NSFBG. Better late then never, huh?

    @bats :[ (#666): Wanna use it in a mashup?

  670. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#669): Stealth comments? That’s what happens when you use Camp Swampy technology.

  671. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#665): So, in essence, you’re both like, “If only somebody had made a comment like Muffaroo’s @625! Am I too subtle? [*]

  672. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#671): Um, thanks? If you see something on CNN about a man running amok in Europe shouting about clowns and tits, you don’t have to wonder what prompted that rampage.

    @Chip Whittle (#667): How can Jack Benny be Henry’s father? Jack is 39 years old. He’s been 39 for half a century now.

  673. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#674):

    Hey, no more discussion of clown tits, OK? That kind of talk could ruin things for people. By which I mean me.

  674. Uncle Lumpy
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#672):

    Nope, human error, specifically mine.

  675. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#675): Me? Sequitur started it. [stomps off to room] YOU’RE A BIG MEANIE! YOU LOVE Sequitur BETTER THAN ME!!!

  676. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#627): “the Apocalyptic “666? . . .

    Or the equally Apocalyptic 740, defined as The Number of the Beast Before the Beast’s Agent Takes Out His Ten Percent.

    Oh, right!

    And then there was 0.00000666, the Number of the Microbeast, and 668, the Number of the Beast’s Next Door Neighbor.

  677. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#677): Yeah, but I didn’t “mention” it or directly “discuss” it. Neither did bats :[

  678. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#677): And calm down. There’s a keg of Guinness on tap behind the liquor cabinet.

  679. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#673): Understand, I post my own comments, then scroll up to see who and what I’ve plagiarized. I just hadn’t gotten to @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#625): yet. But yeah, sump’n like that.

    As for 9CL, at least Solange messes with musical staves and Christmas ornaments and the like.

  680. Chip Whittle
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#674):

    @Chip Whittle (#667): How can Jack Benny be Henry’s father? Jack is 39 years old. He’s been 39 for half a century now.

    Yeah, and how old is Henry?

    Got the same hairstyle, too.

  681. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Well, not exactly a star, Margo.”

    More like a black hole sucking the life out of everything.

  682. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#680): Phuh! It’s probably that weird Guiness from America, not the good stuff we get. I’ll say it again, Phuh! [stomps back off to room] YOU DON’T LOVE ME!

  683. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    BB: The general wants everyone to wander around aimlessly not knowing where they’re going. He’s gonna hang out in the men’s room hoping Miss Buxley wanders in.

  684. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#684): Now, now. Have some good, American bourbon.

  685. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#651): There’s also Neisner’s, McCrory’s and J.M. Fields — all of which disappeared from around here 20-40 years ago. (I blame the ubiquitous Chip Whittle!)

  686. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#661):

    “However, if you continue to slander real hominids by comparison to Mary Worth characters, I shall arrange for a time portal to the Upper Paleolithic to open in your bathroom.”

    Well, I guess Cro-Magnon Man is a homo sapiens … of a sort!

    I don’t want you to invoke your threat, so I’ll let this go. The last time someone opened a time portal in my bathroom, I ended up flying kites with a Dromaeosaur and, when I returned, not only was President Hitler no longer in office, but when I asked about him people threw things at me and insisted I shave off my mustache!

  687. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#684): Would Uncle Lumpy put out the bad stuff? I think not. Here’s the pile of kegs.

  688. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#675): Okay, I won’t mention how much Jeremy, Connie and Walt Duncan look like circus clowns with pink greasepaint. (Clown Zits?)

  689. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#686):

    >Ahem!< You of course mean Kentucky bourbon.

  690. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#686): Ah. Only the good stuff.

    @Sequitur (#689): How did you get that photo of my beer cellar? How, how, HOW?

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#690): EEEEE!

  691. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#691): Well, yes—but they haven’t seceded, have they? =-)

    How about if I’m even more specific: a nice Buffalo Trace (my favorite bourbon) or Four Roses Single Barrel.

    Now I’m getting thirsty….

  692. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#693):

    No, they haven’t seceded, but that doesn’t mean they won’t keep trying! If at first you don’t secede …

    Might I sugggest a bottle of Maker’s Mark for the holidays?

  693. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#694): You know, I like Maker’s Mark all right, and I know it’s a favorite for many people, but it’s never grabbed me the way I expect it to. Don’t know why.

    But you know, it’s not like I’d say, “No, thank you” were someone to offer me a bottle.

  694. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#690): I think Baka would prefer clown bits. As in blown up.

    Clown Bitz! New from Nabisco!

  695. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#692): ponders…

    @Sequitur (#689): How did you get that photo of my beer cellar? How, how, HOW?

    Some clown gave it to me.

  696. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#695): Santa gave me a 1.75L bottle of Jack Daniel’s black label for Christmas. I must have been a very good boy.

    Siiiiiiiip

  697. bats :[
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#671): yes, I know, Baka Gaijin (“What have I ever done to you?!?”). I didn’t even know if it would work. But I can always fall back on “Sequitur made me!”.

  698. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#633): Unfortunately, the last Ben Franklin store in my area closed over three years ago:

    http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article473400.ece

  699. Little Guy
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#670): How do you think he draws? With his hands?

    Oh, and am I late to the party in noting Saturday’s 9CL where Edda has a ball between her legs?

  700. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#699): LOL!! Twice! No, three times!

  701. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#696): AAAAAAHHHH! QLUNQ!

    @Sequitur (#697): See above.

    @bats :[ (#699): See above above.

  702. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#694): Faker’s – er, Marker’s Mark is only a first-order approximation to a good wheated bourbon, such as Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve (which is currently a Buffalo Trace brand, BTW). Be that as it may, I’m still rummaging around in the recesses of Josh’s liquor cabinet, looking for the Lagavulin. New Year’s Eve is only 3 days away, and we must be prepared to join Robert Burns in a proper rendition of “Auld Lang Syne” for Hogmanay. And for those of you who would insist that only a Highlands, rather than an Islay, whisky would be appropriate, well you take the high road, and I’ll take the low road.

  703. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#698): Yeah, but that’ll turn you into a bad boy in no time.

    @seismic-2 (#704): Oh man, I once tasted that top-of-the-line Pappy Van Winkle—way too pricey for me, but so so wonderful. And yes, when I visited the Buffalo Trace distillery, I saw the Pappy Van on the shelves and looked at it longingly.

    Are Islays those peaty Scotches? Love those—I like a Scotch that makes you feel a bit as though you’re drinking a campfire.

  704. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#586):

    Mutt and Jeff: Remember, kids, “help lick Japs”. And I don’t think they’re proposing a freaky trans-Pacific orgy, either.

    Pity, that last part.

  705. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#705): You got it – the Islay whiskies (especially those from the 3 distilleries on the south shore of the island, namely Ardbeg, Lagavulin, and Laphroag) are the real peat bombs among Scotch whiskies. So smoky from the burning peat that it’s like licking the creosote from the inside of a chimney, with so much iodine from aging in the sea air that it smells like used bandages. Wonderful, wonderful whisky!

    How smoky is it? This is a true story – a couple of months ago, I ordered a Laphroag at a restaurant when I was at the end of the table in a group of about 15 people. As soon as the waiter gave me my drink, someone way down at the other end of the table started sniffing the air and said, “Something’s burning!”

  706. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#632): The wordplay in Rip Haywire is what originally drew me to Dan Thompson’s strip. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Thompson had legacy strips like Popeye, Flash Gordon, The Phantom and Mark Trail firmly in mind when he came up with RH — as well as Secret Agent X-9, The Spirit, Captain Easy, Steve Canyon and other adventure strips of yore!

  707. Walker of Dog
    December 27th, 2011 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#699): Oh. My.

    Well, the internet and I had a good run, but now it’s time to take up weeping into my pillow as a full-time profession.

    And there’s not enough bourbon in the world to get BG to sleep tonight.

  708. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    I usually stuck with Jim Beam as my day-to-day bourbon. Makers was a good change-of-pace, but a little too smooth for my taste.

    As a lapsed drinker, I’ve not had either in over two years, but I will sit here and sip my Dr. Pepper and reminisce…

  709. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#709): proclaims…

    And there’s not enough bourbon in the world to get BG to sleep tonight.

    I don’t think the bourbon’s necessary. I think he passed out.

  710. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#705): offers…

    @Sequitur (#698): Yeah, but that’ll turn you into a bad boy in no time.

    Depending on one’s POV I might be very good.

  711. Droopy Says
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    @MozartPurist (#609): Salieri in Pibgorn? Please, no. Amadeus trashed Salieri’s reputation, but at least it had a story about how mediocrities are always doomed in their bitter efforts to drag down the great. If McEclowney deigned to notice Amadeus, he’ll respond by making Salieri into the unsung genius who created Mozart, set him up with an oversexed wife and turned music into art, damnit! Plus Salieri will look like McEclowney in a powdered wig–or is that the other way around?

  712. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#711): Passed out, possible narcotic overdose, tomato, tomahto…

  713. Marty Moon
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#586): all this has in common with Gil Thorp is basketball and a jackass with a vandyke

    I strongly resent the comparison to Les Moore. I admit being a jackass, but not at that level.

  714. Spotts1701
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#707): Ah, liquid peat bog! Good fer what ails ya!

    Today, though, I’ll stick with Icky.

  715. The Gringo Kid
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#590): Or perhaps, based on that tat, he longs to play for Marathon Oil’s club team.

  716. The Gringo Kid
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#603): Ironically, Painful Autobiographical Monstrosity is the title of Les’s next book.

  717. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#714): I’ll go with tomahto. I’m originally from New England.

  718. Spotts1701
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#718): Normally, I’m opposed to book burnings. However, in this case…

    9CL, FW, CS: These should come with labels: “Warning: May contain humor-like substance. Do not expose to open flame, as it may cause cancer.”

  719. bats :[
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#707): I thought the liquors like this taste and smell a lot more like dirt.
    Yeah, I know. Philistine.

  720. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#657): “The decision seemed really arbitrary.”

    You’re really overthinking this. Just understand McE wanted to draw some sexy Edda pictures and disregard anything that resembles a “plot.”

  721. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Please tell me she is not doing a cover of “Hey Boy,” please.

  722. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#670): Please be careful what you ask for.

  723. Marty Scribble
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    Did someone mention WOLVES?!

  724. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    A Very Curtis Kwanzaa: “But then one foggy Kwanzaa Eve, Cedric came to say….”

  725. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#723): Her new album is titled WOLVES!
    With guest soloist, Kelly Welly or known by her blues name, Jelly Belly.

  726. TheDiva
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#713): Wait, so if the balding pigtailed guy in today’s strip isn’t supposed to be Salieri (or some corrupted version of him) like I’d assumed, then who is he? Yes, I could go through previous strips and figure it out myself, but that would involve reading more Pibgorn and I’ve taken that particular Scmuck Bait too many times in recent history.

  727. Alter Ego
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

  728. yaoi huntress earth
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#701): That’s when I remember that Edda is based off his daughter, it gets a lot creepier.

  729. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    A3G: In the old TV series Bewitched they switched the actor for Darren without any announcement and the difference was barely noticeable. In A3G, they’ve decided to be really daring: the 30-something woman Tommie has been replaced by a 12-year-old boy named Tommie. As in the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy suddenly acquired a life-long teenage sister, nobody will acknowledge or notice the change. Very bold move!

  730. Mr. O'Malley
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#608): When I think of duck bands, the only one that comes to mind is Pork & the Havana Ducks, who used to be popular around central Illinois. Some of their unique performances can be found on YouTube.

    I suppose there’s always Quacksilver Messenger Service.

  731. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#718):

    Even more ironically, Painfully Autobiographical Monstrocity was not written by Les, but is a ghostwritten version of his memoirs that was actually penned by Dead Lisa.

  732. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#716): Man, just when seismic-2 had me almost convinced I wanted a smoky Scotch, all of a sudden you’re making me want an interesting ale. But I’m a wino wine connoisseur! Is there a case of some buttery oaky California chard in that liquor cabinet somewhere?

  733. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    MW: Who do you think you’re kidding, Mary? You’d never put the Meddle-mobile in harms way. Throw a helpless waitress in front of a moving car, now that’s another story.

  734. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#730):

    As in the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy suddenly acquired a life-long teenage sister, nobody will acknowledge or notice the change. Very bold move!

    Oh — not fair. We all acknowledged the change — but we had faith in Whedon (who also had faith in his fans) and it turned into one of the best story arcs of the series.

  735. Sequitur
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

  736. Peanut Gallery
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

  737. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#730): Barely noticeable? Apart from having the same first name, Messrs. York and Sargent were poles apart. When they turned Dick York into a chimp on the show, the similarity was greater than when they turned him into pretty boy Sargent. The difference was pretty noticeable at the time.

    Oddly enough, with the passage of years, the two of them got filed into the same brain cell, and I will sometimes have to squint at the teevee to be sure which one I’m tuning past. Of course, that has nothing to do with my eyes.

  738. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#731): Well, there’s Nick Drake… and Grand Duck Railroad.

  739. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#735): I was speaking of the characters in the story not noticing or acknowledging. It was a great arc, and we had to wait a year to find out what the heck was going on, all the while thinking, “WTF? Isn’t anybody going to notice/mention that Buffy doesn’t HAVE a sister?”

  740. wossname
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#736): Thank you! *glug glug glug* *sip sip sip*

  741. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#738): “Oddly enough, with the passage of years, the two of them got filed into the same brain cell, and I will sometimes have to squint at the teevee to be sure which one I’m tuning past. Of course, that has nothing to do with my eyes.”

    Well. ya see, that’s what happened to me, I guess. The series was already in reruns when I started watching it in the 70s and York and Sargent episodes were all mixed up pell-mell and I still was never sure which Darren I was looking at.

  742. Cloudbuster
    December 27th, 2011 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#742): Seriously, look at them side by side. They’re very similar-looking men.

  743. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#743): Well, apart from the faces and the shapes of their heads, I guess.

  744. True Fable
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    Apartment Double G Tommie’s got news to tell, so naturally Margo will be the one telling it. After all, Margo is the Alpha; Tommie’s more like the Tau or the Zeta.

    Rex Morgan, B.A.D. The girl almost died, but it’s up to her to help her mother. No pressure, kid.

    Over the Top I’ll never be able to watch Mad Men without thinking of Mary Worth again. Dammit, because it doesn’t work the other way around. I can’t look at Mary Worth and see Joan from Mad Men. Impossible now that Eduardo’s gone.

    Sam Driver’s Pretty People Posse! “We also found a copy of Entertainment Weekly so we’re heading over to Ryan Seacrest’s house to rough him up a little. It needs to be done.”

    KWANZAAAA Melik is a hobbit?

  745. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#731): there’s also the Steve Mallard Band, which is probably Mark’s inspiration here, since instead of actually writing a legitimate story for Woods and Wildlife, he will just Take the Money and Run. Personally, though, I am looking forward to the release of the first album by Mother McQueen’s Gold-Band Geese-Band, “Get Down”. It will be very popular in the community.

  746. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#730): But in BTVS the group of monks protecting the key by turning it into Dawn also used magic to change people’s memories to include Dawn’s existance. The discovery of who Dawn was and how she came to be was an intregal part of the overall story arc for the 5th season.

  747. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#735): Agreed. The fifth season was the best season. Though the rather mediocre 4th season had the best episode, “Hush.” The sixth was the worst season, but Willow skinning Warren alive kind of made up for the lame build up.

  748. Mibbitmaker
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#746): There’s also the group called just McQueen, whose most notable song is the epic “Goldbandian Rhapsody”. Also good songs: “Another One Bands the Duck”, and “You’re My Best Friend in the Community”

  749. Mibbitmaker
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#738): Indeed, there was a difference in the Darrens: Dick York was the goofier (and thus, funnier) Darren.

    Of the stupid ’60s magic sitcoms, I prefer(ed) “I Dream of Jeannie”, anyway. Relatively hipper, with the slapstick and the sly cat-and-mouse game played by Maj. Nelson and Dr. Bellows. Plus, you can never go wrong with Bill Daly. Just ask Bob Newhart.

  750. Peanut Gallery
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#707):

    So smoky from the burning peat that it’s like licking the creosote from the inside of a chimney, with so much iodine from aging in the sea air that it smells like used bandages.

    I hope you weren’t counting on getting a gig with the Whisky Marketing Board.

  751. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#669): Well, I know it was posted, otherwise I wouldn’t have had a response from our friendly neighborhood coulrophobe (no offense there).

    Here’s one for comic-researchers: there was a Mickey Mouse comic strip that ran in newspapers in the early-to-mid 1990s. Anyone know about? My rather rudimentary research tells me that there was a Mickey Mouse comic strip from circa 1930 to the 1970s, though I’m not sure if the two were related.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#687): J.M. Field’s was paired with (and owned by) a grocery store, making it one of the first “supercenters” (or so says Wikipedia). Interestingly, the parent company of it, Food Fair, after closing the J.M. Field’s (selling it to other companies, including Kmart), became Pantry Pride (the name of most of their supermarkets anyway), and ended up, thanks to a junk bond investor, became a holdings company (also like Kmart). However, UNLIKE Kmart, said junk bond investor actually ended up changing the company: acquiring Revlon Corp. (among others) and becoming the Revlon Group.

  752. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    753 posts and we haven’t heard a Funky Winkerbean “retelling” by “Hi There”. I am disappointed.

  753. TheDiva
    December 27th, 2011 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#748): Season six also had “Once More With Feeling,” a musical episode so excellent it can almost be forgiven for instigating the irritating Buffy/Spike boink-fest. Almost.

  754. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#752): They’ve reprinted a lot of the newspaper Mickey Mouse strips, starting with the early ones — the 1930s. I don’t recall a later one. There was one based on Disney the Pooh in the 80s–90s, whatever, that could still be going, for all I know or care.

    @Mibbitmaker (#750): Dick York was indeed a harder-working Darrin. He was also the one who got to be around in the early seasons, when the show (coincidence?) was funny, and before it jumped the shark like late Flintstones, with Tabitha. I’d agree that Jeannie is the one that holds up better, dopey as it is, and in large part due to Bill Daly. The late seasons of that one are also a study in a show leaping boldly over a predator of the briny deep. It can be worth sifting through TV listings to check for things like the appearance of a 60s rock group on one of these shows — or most any 60s sitcom (Patty Duke, The Munsters, Gilligan’s Island … some would say The Brady Bunch, but there are some shows I can’t force my eyes to keep looking at) for that matter.

  755. seismic-2
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#755): And the Dick Van Dyke Show, with guest stars Chad and Jeremy (which should be of special interest to fans of the Duncan brothers in Zits.

  756. Zerowolf
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#754): “Once More With Feeling” really didn’t do much for me as I’m not a fan of musicals (the exception to that rule is Once Upon A Mattress). Say what you want about BTVS target audience being teenage girls (of which I am neither), at least their vampires ate people. As Spike said, “Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs.”

  757. Pseudo3D
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#755): I was browsing through newspaper microfilms at the library, and there was one that I remember: Goofy and others (Mickey and someone else, I think), and the guy said something along the lines of “the earthquake had no natural fault” and Goofy said “Gawrsh! Who’s fault is it?”

  758. Mel aka Mel
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#750): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#755): Wow this tangent is bringing back a wave of nostalgia — huge crush on Samantha Stevens. 60s era musical guests for Bewitched and Jeannie — Boyce and Hart!

  759. Col. Havoc
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#447): Buried in the middle, but fun.

  760. Baka Gaijin
    December 27th, 2011 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#718): Painful Autobiographical Monstrosity is every clown’s autobiography book title. Whoops, the dyslexia kicked in. I thought you wrote Painful Autobiography of a Monstrosity.

    @Sequitur (#719): New England, eh? I guess the word pair should be “tomahto” or “Clamato.”

    All this talk of Jeannie and Samantha and Laura Petrie is making me wax nostalgic for when Nick at Night played stuff worth watching. I want my Twip!

  761. Vince M
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#739): Ah, those were the days…like on the short-lived “The Mothers-In-Law”, where they could drop Harry Mudd and replace him with Mel-frickin-Cooley without an explanation.

  762. Vince M
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @Mel aka Mel (#760): While I’m on “The Mothers-In-Law”, how about special guests The Seeds! I mean, really!!!

  763. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    MW-If Mary is so determined not to let the guy get away then why doesn’t she either cut his brake line or slash his tires.

  764. bats :[
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#756): Patty Duke has been shilling for Social Security, doing Star Trek-style commercials with George Takei (oh myyyy).

  765. bats :[
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#765): or just make a big, loud stink? “That little girl is on a kidnapping poster! They’re all over town! Call the police!”

  766. Vince M
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#749): Lots of folks dismiss Season 4 of Buffy, mainly since Riley Finn is kind of the series’ Mark Trail, but hey, there’s Fear Itself, Pangs, Something Blue, A New Man, This Year’s Girl/Who Are You?, The Yoko Factor, Restless…pretty high entertainment ratio, if you ask me!

  767. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#759): I used to go into town to read old newspapers (particularly the comics, but other stuff as well) on microfilm. I’d have to stop when I’d get carsick from the sideways motion. It was like playing Duke Nukem.

    @Mel aka Mel (#760): Barbara Eden. Elizabeth Montgomery. Both of them kept their looks for a remarkably long time. I keep trying to find a movie I saw on TV once, with Barbara Eden and a bunch of soldiers. There’s a scene where she’s trying to slip away, carrying a baby bundled up on her arm, and the drunken soldiers (airmen? GIs? Marines?) are feeling sentimental and they want to look at the baby, which falls to the ground and breaks because it was a doll, and it’s all full of some stolen money. There’s a shocked silence, then a horrified whisper: “Bugs broke the baby…”

    @Vince M (#763): Aw, I like Richard Deacon. Not that Roger Carmel wasn’t great as well. Reportedly, they were going to bring him back as Harry Mudd in a TNG episode. Like they were going to find him in suspended animation or something, and he was going to go out in a blaze of glory saying, “This one’s for Kirk!” Alas, the actor died, which was therefore sad for multiple reasons.

    @bats :[ (#766): Man, Patty Duke’s had a long career! Not as long as Mickey Rooney, but still. She was one of the better child actors. I wonder how THE BAD SEED would have been with her instead of McCormick. (I wanted to see that movie for so long, and when I finally saw it, it was sort of cloying.)

  768. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#766): In a few years, Daisy Duke will be eligible for Social Security:

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000280/

  769. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#753): Ah, yes, I’m sorely tempted to go into Wikipedia and add the line: J.M. Fields was paired with (and owned by) Lompoc, California-based liquor store chain, W.C. Fields

  770. This Guy
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    LATE TUESDAY SNARK

    F-: Pluggers: The Reality.

    Frazz: Today’s installment really does remind me of Calvin and Hobbes in that Calvin’s dad also wouldn’t shut the hell up about cycling.

    Garfield: Jon’s resolutions are about on par with those of Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade (e.g. no more masturbating in public at the aquarium.)

    Marvin: Please. The chances of anyone trying to save this thing’s life are nil.

    Zits: Note the lack of “Montoni’s.”

  771. FOOBed again
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    @Vince M (#764): OMG, I was just looking at that the other day!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DeAZHHpLRg&feature=related

  772. Droopy Says
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker, Assguard: This talk about bling is a fundamental error.

    Curtis: Can we hurry up and kill the puppy?

    Pluggers: Best. Argument. Ever. Against. VHS.

    Creepy Les: “Hahahaha, you dopes raised money so you could have another losing season? And you still didn’t get rid of Les? Losers!”

    Rip van Trail: “E-mail? Digital pictures? A contraction in everyday conversation?” Trail looks at the modern world and wonders how much time passed while he was in Peaceable Valley.

  773. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    Dog Eat Doug — It’s time for Sophie to go all “Samuel L. Jackson” on those blankety-blank snakes!

  774. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#740): Ah! Yes. That’s different.

    And what guts it must have taken Whedon to pull that stunt. In almost any other series we would have been convinced that the writers were simply throwing in a new character as the result of some focus groups studies — but with Whedon we knew he wouldn’t let us down.

  775. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    A3G — “And ladies, that’s not all! The first 250 people who attend the opening of my gallery will receive ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE a Ronco Veg-O-Matic Food Chopper and Slicer!”

  776. greghousesgf
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    Ethel seems to have gotten sick of being the buttmonkey of every Archie strip she appears in and went to join the basketball team in Funky Winkerbean.

  777. Comcis Fan
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    H&L: “Are you thirsty?” “I’m REALLY thirsty. … I need a chuggee cup.” I never imagined it of Lois but darn if this strip isn’t revealing to us that Trixie Flagston is actually the biological daughter of Thirsty Thurston.

  778. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:39 am [Reply]

    Hi and Lois— Trixie, you don’t need a mere Chuggee Cup, you need @wossname’s (#742) patented Gluggee Cup.

    FW— One of my granddaughters will play on her high school’s freshman basketball team next year. The name of the school? Blue Valley. I hope that she demonstrates better sportsmanship than Batiuk’s Blue Valley players. Except, of course, when she plays against Westview.

    Mother Goose & Grimm— Padumpum!

  779. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:13 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#779): Trixie as Thirsty’s daughter? Why not? I’ve always maintained that Chip Flagston was Thirsty’s son, because he resembles Thirsty more than he does Hi. It may be that Walker/Brown are paying sly homage to Laugh-In’s Farkel Family, all of whom were seemingly fathered by neighbor Ferd Burfel. On the other hand, since Hi and Lois pre-dates Laugh-In, maybe the Laugh-In writers were paying homage to Hi and Lois.

  780. carlag8r
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:18 am [Reply]

    Luann: This girl who listened to Nine Inch Nails as a kid is the same girl who sang “Hey Boy” (or whatever) as a teenager? I call b.s. for continuity…

  781. Doug Puthoff
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    3-28 Curtis, I wonder if Nelik’s adoptive parents are the same sex. You can really tell. They are of different species, tat makes it pretty interesting.

  782. John C Fremont
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#773): Wow! I’d forgotten what it was like back then when TV shows would just up and do this sort of thing. Gassy!

    Aside from the fact that it forced me to have to ask my parents why I should know who Eve Arden and Kaye Ballard were, what I mostly remember about The Mothers-In-Law is that its title led to a teachable moment for us li’l ones in whatever grade I was in back then. We asked why it wasn’t mother-in-laws instead, so our teacher got to explain about plurals and whatnot. I felt enlightened. Ah, memories. Corners of minds. Misty. Watercolor. Etc.

    And isn’t it heresy to question Joss Whedon? (He asks rhetorically.) Season 4 was fine! It was fine, I tell you! La, la, la, I can’t hear you…

    Btw, as I do every single morning, I’m having my coffee from my Buffy coffee cup. I love my Buffy cup.

  783. Cloudbuster
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    FW: Well, at least we’ve been learning over the past couple weeks why Les and Cayla love each other. She’s just as much of a depressive, downer jerk as he is. And today, everything is normal in Funkyworld — even the kids are dicks. Especially the ones who beat our specialist snowflake at basketball.

  784. Ned Ryerson
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie’s album is on Betamax (or is it on cream cheese)?

  785. Cloudbuster
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Seriously, all you Darrin-watchers, how could you even notice which guy was playing Darrin when you had the mind-numbingly beautiful Elizabeth Montgomery strolling across your screen? There was a guy? Derwood or something? I suppose.

    70s afterschool reruns for me were loaded with goodness for my tender young eyes: Carolyn Jones as Morticia, Barbara Eden, Elizabeth Montgomery, Tina Louise and Dawn Wells. happy sigh

  786. Cloudbuster
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    And, oh lord, how could I forget Ms. Emma Peel? There was nobody sexier than Diana Rigg in those cat suits. Not even green alien Star Trek girls.

  787. Écureuil Écumant
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    GT: Moloch, manacled, awaits his death by stoning with basketballs. Sjogren’s Syndrome carriers must not live.

    H&L: You guys shouldn’t rely so much on Thirsty for babysitting.

    A3G: “Later, Lu Ann, I have news too…” “Fuck you and your album, Lu Ann.”

    Crank: Judging by what we can see on the TV, the fella on Redemption Island seems to have forgotten before last night’s dinner that lychees are supposed to be peeled before eating.

    MT: Better catch that ‘c’ before it makes it over the concertina wire. Send a couple of those superfluous apostrophes to chase it down.

    MW: Instead of trembling behind the scullery doors, why don’t they just grab a couple of 8-quart saucepans and skull the sucka?

    Love Is: Leaving your stinky buttprint.

  788. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MT-Can someone fix the head of the Mark Trail robot it is about to fall off?

    MW-Why do we even come to this diner? There are never any waitresses and when there is one she is being dominated by some old meddling busybody.

  789. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Curtis-Nelik’s birth parents were idiots because hyenas only eat what is dead.

  790. wossname
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Slylock – What’s wrong with the animals, you ask? They’re all drawn with anthropomorphic smiles, that’s what’s wrong with them.

    AS-M – How much you wanna bet Thor smites the bad guys while Peter stands around dithering? Anybody? Aw, come on, you mean there’s nobody here who doesn’t think that’s going to happen?

    A3G – OK, I’m no expert on recording studios, but what format is that thing Tommie’s holding? It looks like an old ¾ inch videotape. Do they still use actual tape in studios? Even if they do, how is Tommie going to play it back at home? Wouldn’t you think Dan would give her a copy on, oh, I don’t know, a CD?

    Kwanzaarama – I can’t wait for Caloo and Momo to have some lines.

    Luann – For just a minute, I thought the design on her sweater was the currently-going-viral Milford Mudlark logo. I was relieved (I guess) to realize that it was an MTV logo, to show how hip and cool she was in 1994.

    OtH – Seriously, Michael Fry and T. Lewis, are you here somewhere? You’ve gotta be. Please step forward and identify yourselves. Ces occasionally posts here as himself, Ed Power does, Bob Weber Jr. does, Jumble Jeff does, Rick DeTorie has in the past. You can too. You are among friends!

    RMMD – Ha – Sarah knows Kelli is full of shit.

  791. gleeb
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Everyone knows that anteaters never smile.

    3-G: “Margo takes charge”. Well, duh.

    ‘shaft: So, you think you can waltz in and turn this into some Winkerbeanic smirking comic? Screw that, we’ve got the spleen built up in a lifetime of frustration and hatred to vent.

    Nelik: Do ostriches and warthog really hang together? Does anybody and warthogs? It is good, though, to see hyenas sending a proper thank you note.

    ‘bean: I’m with the girls from Blue Valley. These clowns were openly squabbling yesterday.

    Gil: Beecher knows his Leviticus, and he’s not going to be down with all this tattooing.

    Judge Parker: See that on the left? That pure noir. It didn’t fully mix with the strip before they had to go to print. Don’t touch it, or your world will be come shadowy and morally ambiguous.

    Mary: “I just wish these doors closed all the way so we could hide properly.”

    Rex: From the depths of her custom-installed Queen Anne wing chair, Sarah doubts Summer’s intentions.

    Spidey: Yeah, that turquoise scarf must be fence-able for at least ten bucks.

  792. tb4000
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    S4th: This boy is gonna fit into the Sally Forth cast just fine.

  793. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#781): The “Thirsty Thurston is Chip Flagston’s biological father” theory doesn’t explain why Chip resembles his Uncle Beetle, but the latter doesn’t look anything like his parents:

    http://joshreads.com/?cat=20&paged=3

    Unless…

    The ubiquitous* Thirsty Thurston fathered Chip and Beetle AND the Flagston family dog, Dawg (remember him?). Perhaps Mr. Thurston is the last of the TIME LUSHES**, a perpetually drunk cosmic hobo who meanders throughout space and time in his TARDIS La-Z-Boy® Chair — and who’s had unprotected sex with countless alien females. (In deference to my esteemed friend and colleague, Chip Whittle, I’ll refrain from the obvious joke about Chip Flagston being a chip off the ol’ Whittle!)

    *My new favorite word!

    **An offshoot of The Doctor’s race, the Time Lords!

  794. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @carlag8r (#782):

    Yeah, the NIN reference really jumps out as the author turning on MTV (they played videos back in those days), seeing the artist credited for a song, and using it as his go-to “what kids like these days” reference. If tweenaged Luann was really listening to Closer (“I want to fuck you like an animal”), I suspect she would not be the Luann we know and … tolerate … today.

  795. sully
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Respectfully, I find your obsession with Mary Worth tiresome. Hey, it’s your site, and I appreciate it, but why concentrate so much on such a boring, useless strip? It moves at a glacial pace, seems to take place in the 1950′s, and lacks any humor, excitement or drama. With so many other crappy comics out there to snark about, would it hurt to give the old bag a rest for a while?

  796. Comcis Fan
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @sully (#797):

    Lacks excitement or drama? Did you miss the Jill Black storyline? And where else on the funny pages can you get closeups of a frowning biddy snipping the blooms off roses?

  797. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Barney Google: Ha ha, Loweezy says she keeps her recipes in her head, and she does! Isn’t it ironic?

    Why did Elviney think someone in Hootin’ Holler would have written something down?

    Beetle Bailey: “Look what the beauty shop did for you! It’s the ‘guinea pig’!”

    Is that supposed to be Beetle or the female secretary character unit?

    Curtis: I wonder how Caloo the ever-intellectual ostrich and Momo the warthog of little patience got together. What were their dates like? Did their families approve? What do they talk about?

    Crankshaft: Finally, somebody has the courage to insult reality television. If it’s ten years ago in Crankshaft this could be among the first 175,000 jokes on that line.

    Dennis the Menace: If you don’t notice the toy dinosaur in the scene, this actually becomes faintly menacing.

    Edge City: My agreement with Abby that they shouldn’t be spending way more money than they can afford on a spontaneous vacation doesn’t keep me from approving of her downing a shot of motor oil.

  798. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#799):

    Re: Curtis

    Really, Caloo the ostrich has no excuse for ignoring the red flags in his(?) relationship with the warthog of little patience. His friends also tried to warn him about things, but Caloo had his head in the sand and wouldn’t listen.

  799. Pseudo3D
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    A3G: And she has it on tape?

    BGSS: Rats! I was hoping she kept the cards in her mangy, lice-infested, and sweat-encrusted wattle.

    MW: Slowest. Police service. Ever.

    Spider-Man: Criminals don’t talk like that.

    Marvin: Never call someone “Gross” until you correct your own problems, crap-bucket!

    H&L: I thought Dawg was Trixie’s biological father, not Trixie.

    Curtis: I’m starting to read his name as “Neelix” [*]

    MT: Digital pictures? That wasn’t a digital camera!

  800. A different JD
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie’s album is the first direct-to-cheese recording in music history!

  801. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#801):

    Re: MT

    In context, I think “digital pictures” refers to the hundreds of close-up pictures of her thumb over the lens that KWJB ended up taking.

  802. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Blue Valley may think Westview’s full of crybabies, but they don’t realize that’s just the sound of the kids weeping themselves to sleep every night.

    Hazel: Putting aside Jim Henson’s Elvira Babies here, the cartoonist was putting a lot of faith in the colorizers not making the little girls’ panties flesh-colored. When Love Is… says you’re drawing creepy, you’re drawing creepy.

    Mark Trail: What Kelly Welly means by “digital pictures” is that she finger-painted it.

    The Phantom: How did this guy not get killed like a dozen times by now? Just by the Ghost Who Rents Boats alone?

    Retail: Hey, I’d want to exchange that $50 Grumbel’s gift card for treatment for my Weird Wobbly Vise-Like Hand Syndrom too.

    Spider-Man: “If that redhead’s famous she must be rich!” “Let’s help ourselves to her bling! Quick, let’s run into the crowd of people surrounding her in the broad daylight in the middle of the street and try stealing from her!”

    I look forward to Thor making Peter Parker more useless than usual in foiling this stupid scheme.

  803. odinthor
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Spidey. — “Why is it,” I pondered, also thinking of Mary Worth, “that the bad guys in most strips generally all have much the same look (excepting the panoply with which Dick Tracy presents us)? Instead of nearer or farther approaches to Neanderthals, why do we never see felonious versions of, say, Edward Everett Horton or Cary Grant as the heavies?”. And then I sighed and went to fix breakfast.

  804. Mibbitmaker
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    9CL: I…. I think I’m getting seasick! ~~~~~~~~~….

    Crank: Pop Culture Cancer.

    FW: “Yeah, and you didn’t win the game, either!”

    GT: A tattoo is MVP?!?

    MW: “Right away can’t come soon enough!” — sums up any MW storyline pithily.

    Nancy: ?????

    Stone Soup: So much for altruism.

    Ziggy: Freudian slip, really.

    Zits: “Damn that Tina Fey for making our boy selfish!”

  805. Illustrator Steve
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    MT – This may make the CNN headlines today! TODAY THE WORD, “DIGITAL”, WAS USED IN THE MARK TRAIL COMIC STRIP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN JACK ELROD’S FEBAL ATTEMPT AT ENTERING THE PRESENT MILLENIUM!

    (Bevis & Butthead would say); “snicker-snicker, Bill Ellis said “DIGITAL”! snicker-snicker!”

  806. Ned Ryerson
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @A different JD (#802): Ha Ha! Direct to cheese! Hey Tommie, why don’t you take your “album” and make it into a holiday nut log!?

    Tommie’s music career and the fantastic happenings at The Mills Gallery are paper thin conceits. Lu Ann’s almost marriage was ridiculous but at least it was fleshed out (in a completely nonsensical way, but still). Well, actually, the Art Without Walls thing got a couple days worth of coverage (that amounted to NOTHING except the stupid picture frame and some implied off panel activities) but Tommie’s music career got snapped off after ONE PANEL. Tommie should grow a pair and say, “Hey! We’re still on me! I’ve got something tangible here* Your stupid gallery is nothing but you standing and pointing at something that nobody has ever seen (at least not since they removed the dead junkie…sorry Lu Ann, too soon?)!”

    *”Yes, it’s white box with the word Tommie handwritten on it and the shape of the box conforms with no recognized modern format of audiorecording, but hey if famous music producer Dan Diller scrawls my name on box of generic cream cheese, the world better damned well sit up and take notice!”

  807. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lane: Four more panels of the Dutch angles and the Adam West Batman is going to pop in, just making sure there’s not any special guest villains around.

    Barkeater Lake: “That’s the whole newspaper? A front page, comics and obituaries? Where are the typos and the ads about putting ads in the paper?”

    Boomerangs: “Are you doing your American history homework?” “Um, it’s the dead center of the Christmas-to-New-Year’s break.”

    Buni: Snrrk. Well, this maybe explains the past couple years.

    Cafe con Leche: Ha ha! Wimmen’s cooking be rotten! Isn’t that hilarioius?

    Compu-Toon puzzler of the day: can there be something so un-hip that Compu-Toon is hipper than it?

  808. hogenmogen
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    MT: I can’t decide if Mark is contemplating the fact that Kelly got the scoop and made Mark completely irrelevant or if he is contemplating “what is this ‘email’ of which he speaks?” or if he is just fantasizing about a roll in the hay with his dog, Andy or a frolick with some wild deer.

    BB: New hair for Ms. Blip? Is this going to be a recurring thing to make it appear as if Camp Swampy exists in our post-feminist era, or is it the opposite, a joke about “oh those crazy hair styles that those women have these days! Now let’s make a joke about Killer Diller leering at one of those dames! Har har!”

    Spidey: So Thor will rescue MJ and Parker from the bad guys, that’s a given. Then he sees MJ and says “Sif!”
    And MJ says “Here’s a tissue, don’t wipe it on your sleeve.”
    Thor: You’re Sif!
    MJ: Syph?
    Thor: No, “Sif”!
    MJ: Secret Internet Fatty?
    Thor: No, “Sif”!
    MJ: Self Invested Funds?
    Thor: No, “Sif”!
    MJ: Somewhere in France?
    Thor: No, “Sif”!
    MJ: Securitized Intrabank Financing?
    Thor: That doesn’t even make sense. Why would an intrabank financing instrument require securitization?
    MJ: Peter, help me out here.
    Parker: No, I can’t reveal that I am Spiderm- oops.

  809. TheDiva
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    9CL: I got a crick in my neck trying to read this. It wasn’t worth the trouble.

    C’shaft: *squints* Copyright 2011? Shenanigans–this strip had to have been sitting in Batiuk’s drawer for a good eight years at least.

    Curtis: If I ever start a band, I’m calling it Ever-Intellectual Ostrich and our first album will be A Warthog of Little Patience.

    FW: The Blue Valley girls are just callin’ it like they see it.

    SM: MJ’s legions of fans (both of them) are more frightening than her future muggers. For starters, they both look like plaintiffs in a plastic surgery malpractice suit, and secondly they didn’t use the word “bling” in all seriousness.

  810. Mibbitmaker
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa ’11-12 12/28

    PANEL 1
    SERVO: “Aw, he made up some parents! That’s so sad!”
    JOEL: “I Accuse My……. NOBODY!”
    SERVO: “Oh, look…. over there between panels 1 and 2 — he was ‘adopted’!”
    CROW, JOEL: “Ooooooooh!”
    CROW: “The panel gutters are gaining alittle weight.”

    PANEL 2
    SERVO: “Any relation to Tomorry the ostrich?”
    JOEL: “Caloo did have a sibling named Callay.”
    SERVO: “Momo, a warthog of little patience for having a clown name!”
    CROW: “Sorry, Baka.”
    SERVO: “How about ‘readers of little patience’?”

    PANEL 3
    CROW: “This story’s world got its ideas of Natural Selection from Shickelgruber.”
    JOEL: “I don’t know about you guys, but I could really use an emotional pick-me-up right now.”
    CROW: “…From Funky Winkerbean!”
    SERVO: “I don’t get it. Is this an ad for or against abortion?”

    PANEL 4
    JOEL: “Rejecting the kid yet again was bad enough, but did they have to laugh heartily while doing it?”

    SERVO (announcer voice): “Nelik: The Rodney Dangerfield Story!”

    JOEL: “Y’know, there’s really no difference between being — um, plain — and trying to sell your comic to a syndicate or comic book company.”
    CROW: “Oh, no! Billingsley is working through his old comic strip sumission issues! A cartoonist dumping his old issues on the readers’ lap! ISN’T BATIUK AND EVANS ENOUGH?!”

    SERVO: “I reject this whole storyline! It’s — um, plainly — sadistic!”
    JOEL: “Not as much as any Reply All strip, though.”

  811. Spotts1701
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: “What spinal column? They removed it and replaced it with a Slinky. How else could I do this?”

    Luann: Well nice to see that Evans was just as dippy about teens and pop culture then as he is now. Shows that he didn’t just go off the rails one day.

    JP: Jim better watch it. If he blows her cover he’ll end up in Gitmo, or getting some additional ventilation added.

  812. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Andy Capp — The UK’s first “Coyote Ugly Saloon” is now open for business.

    Marmaduke — He couldn’t catch the squirrel he was chasing, so Marmaduke decides to have sex with a tree.

  813. hogenmogen
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    A3G:
    Tommie: Listen to my album! It’s a rock opera about a deaf, dumb and blind kid that plays pinball like a wizard, and he develops a huge following and you’ve just got to hear it. It’s called “Tommie”!
    Luann: What is “pinball”?

  814. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Monty

    Purple haze all in my brain
    Lately things just don’t seem the same
    Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why
    ‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky

  815. teenchy
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#796): Luann with a CD/cassette boombox? C’mon Evans, update your artwork. Even the Keane Kompound draws three-point seatbelts into the Studebaker Wagonaire.

  816. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Momma: Francis is writing notes to the dry cleaner? What, exactly, does Francis have to dry clean?

    Mutt and Jeff: “Your story touches me! Here, have some concentrated food tablets! They’re all the rage in this far-distant future year of…1961!”

    PreTeena: Hey, Greg Evans? This is how to do it right. Also, they’re in fifth grade.

    Skin Horse: This is the sort of development that takes all the point out of writing fanfic.

    Unstrange Phenomena: I don’t know what the thing on the left is, but I want one.

  817. Illustrator Steve
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    MT – From Bill Ellis’s comment it appears that he thinks Kelly is the only photo journalist who hopes their work makes the cover of a magazine.

    Yes, publishing editor Bill Ellis, a man who still does not have any computers in his office, but mentions the words, “email” and “digital” in the same sentence.

  818. Mibbitmaker
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    We join this episode of “Phineas & Ferb” in progress, at a point relevant to this blog. Dr. Doofenshmirtz just explained his pathetic childhood backstory to Perry the Platypus. He continues….

    DOOF: “…and that’s why I am doing this. Really, though, I probably have no real reason to complain, let alone turn the TriState Area into a bowl of shrimp — just look at that poor schlub Nelik in the Curtis Kwanzaa story! Now there’s a guy with a great future in evil scientisting (or maybe a Batman villain, even). That backstory is FAR more pathetic that I could ever get. He just keeps on getting treated worse than an audience at a ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ screening (or ‘Red Zone Cuba’, either one). Poor kid! I’d love to see the -inator HE’s capable of! Though, really, could it be the real reason he’s treated so badly is that name? Nelik. Everyone was probably just afraid he would lick their knee all the time. I mean, who needs that?! His parents just named him that to doom him all his life. He shouldn’t complain about it though — try going through life with the name ‘Doofenshmirtz’ and see where that gets you! Hey, Perry the Platypus, I just made a significant breakthrough! That means….

    Oh, I have monopolized the conversation, haven’t I? Oh, well, back to…”

    As Perry reacts to Doof with an eyeroll in that last part, we return you to the CC comment section, already in progress…

  819. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    EC: I’m just waiting for Laban to cut to the chase and show us the Ardins’ hi-larious foreclosure proceedings.

    HtH: “Nor do we have any windows, really. In fact it’s not so much a castle as a randomly erected wall.”

    MT: Mark smiles and nods as Bill’s future magic words go in one ear and out the other.

    DtM: Dennis shows some actual menace by reminding his Nazi grandpa of his inescapable mortality. And you’ve got some angry ghosts waiting, gramps.

    SFx: Transgendered chickens don’t need your oppression, Mr. Weber.

    H&J: “Here we are at that cheap joke you requested, Herb. That’ll be $10.45.”

    Luann: Wow. Nineties Luann de Groot was so goth and edgy.

    Archie: And it’s always wiser to stand behind him, not in front of him, while his team is winning.

    S-M: Robbing a local celebrity in broad daylight with a good half-dozen witnesses nearby? Yeah, that sounds like the perfect crime to me, too.

    A3G: “Oh wait. This isn’t the album. It’s a VHS tape of the stuff I had to do to the label president. Let’s save that one for after dinner.”

  820. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#818): Argh, yeah. Relatively speaking PreTeena got the shaft. Can you dig it?

  821. Calico
    December 28th, 2011 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#611):
    Haha, Re: Tommie’s hair, I didn’t want to say the B Word, but you said it for me. Thanks!
    Abigail Thompson, the new queen of Auto-tune.

  822. Calico
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#629):
    Cakewrecks and Lilek’s are my two favorite food disaster sites. Yum!

  823. This Guy
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    FC: Billy prepares for a career as a televangelist. He just hasn’t learned about the part where you make the viewers send you their life savings before you agree to pray for them.

  824. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    Frazz: reverse snowbirds?

    Doons: nicely meta.

    Lio: did they try snowballs on Gort?

    SBp: Scalia doesn’t look anything like that, but Thomas is fairly close.

    RwO: that only works if you’ve had your bumpers blessed. (yeah, I know people that played Call of Cthulhu. . . . )

    Ghost-who-is-curt: That’s another question, boatguy.

    6Cx: lol.

    F-: yeah, it’s been about two weeks. I laughed. I also want one of those.

    Retail. having once gotten a TJ Maxx gift card, I can relate to Dustin there.

  825. Mark B
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Sadly, when Kelly says she took digital pictures, she means her thumb was in front of the lens the whole time.

  826. hogenmogen
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#819): Steve,

    You’d think that Bill Ellis is a technophobe troglodyte, but instead of moving from the IBM Selectric to a word processor to a flat screen to a laptop to an iphone to an ipad, he skipped generations of technology and went directly from a steno pad to cranial chips that receive messages directly into his grey matter. That’s about the only thing that makes sense in this conversation.

  827. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#824): To each his/her own. CakeRex Morgan is my favorite foodie/doctor site!

  828. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Love Is. . . taking a ride on the town bicycle.

  829. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    Folks, I have some late-breaking news to report…

    1930s ‘Tarzan’ Actor Dies of Kidney Failure:

    http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/people/9686090-421/cheetah-the-chimp-from-1930s-tarzan-flicks-dies.html

  830. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS Hey guys and gals! Did you know that the driving distance between Arnold, CA and Portage, ME is 3399 miles? And that by multiplying that number by 1.609 will give you 5470 kilometers. (Easily done with your brand new Thinkgeek slide rule (only $6.99, while supplies last!).

    Oh, and 5,470 has some other significance, having to do with a comic strip character. It will come to me.

  831. Lurker Bob
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#807):

    That reminds me of the time that a friend of the family mentioned that he was going to get a “digital” prostate exam (Nothing fruity for him, by god! He was a true Plugger). He didn’t know much about medicine and assumed that it somehow involved computers rather than the doctor’s finger.

    I didn’t have the heart to break it to him……

  832. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    never hurts to ask I guess.

    if you combine Poteet and Sequitur, you get this.

    adorbable Shepherd, with caption.

    the exact opposite of bb,u.

    Next in NAoQV. (PG-13)

    just up the street from The Lockhorns.

    Snow Leopard mom & cub.

    corgsqui.

    bonus corgsqui for bb,u.

  833. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    MT-Digital? Emailed? C’mon Chief, you shouldn’t have to make up words to disguise the fact that Kelly is incompetent as a reporter because she is a woman.

  834. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS: Eight more shopping days until the 15th anniversary. Here was Barney and Spark Plug’s last appearance.

  835. Hibbleton
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#831):

    ‘…sanctuary volunteer Ron Priest says that when the chimp didn’t like what was going on, he would throw feces.’

    Mostly while reading Marvin

  836. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#784): I have little complaint about Buffy — even the worst Buffy season was way better than pretty well anything else that was on at the time. And Firefly was perfect in every way. But I have to respectfully and quietly ask, “WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH DOLL HOUSE!??” (Aside from having the fetching, but very limited Eliza Dushku trying to cope with the main role.)

    Plus? I want a Buffy cup. No, wait. I want a Firefly cup.

  837. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#831): Curious. Article says the chimp was 80 when he died, so he must have been only a couple of years old when he was in the movies. Most sources give the max age of a chimpanzee in captivity as 50 or 60. Johnny Weissmuller, incidentally, died at the age of 79, so, in a sense, the chimp outlived him.

  838. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#787): You’re so right. And let’s not forget Mary Tyler Moore and (for a very short time) Anne Francis as Honey West.

  839. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#798): And where else on the funny pages can you get closeups of a frowning biddy snipping the blooms off roses? Oh yes. As I recall, Josh was all over the criminal mastermind image that one conveyed.

  840. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#840): Maybe it’s the beauty mark, but Anne Francis was one of TV’s great knockouts for me. I recently watched an episode of the Jim Hutton “Ellery Queen” series where she plays a semi-evil nurse. She’s mostly dressed down, but still it’s impossible to look away from her.

  841. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#831):

    Folks, I have some late-breaking news to report…

    1930s ‘Tarzan’ Actor Dies of Kidney Failure:

    http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/people/9686090-421/cheetah-the-chimp-from-1930s-tarzan-flicks-dies.html

    There’s some reasonably good evidence to think that’s not true, by the way. For one, the other Cheetah the Chimp, also allegedly in his 70′s and allegedly a survivor of the Weismuller Tarzan films, was pretty convincingly shown to be neither that old nor a film star several years ago: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/25/AR2008112500939.html?hpid=3Dfeatures1&hpv=3Dnational. As said, that’s about the other alleged Cheetah, but the same problems of showing this was the chimpanzee claimed to be carry across.

  842. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    I think that commodorejohn might get a kick out of this:

    “A little warning to everyone out there: While attempting to work on a website, it’s not a good idea to blast the soundtrack to Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. When the code doesn’t work, you’ll shout out “FUS-RO-DAH!” and nothing will happen. #LFMF”

    for the ‘mudgeon Moms.

  843. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#831): Quote of the day: “Still, sanctuary volunteer Ron Priest says that when the chimp didn’t like what was going on, he would throw feces.”

  844. seismic-2
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    SM: I can hardly wait for the next episode, where the two new characters and Thor have a show-down to see who has the ugliest hat.

    A3G: “Margo takes charge“, apparently by delivering a karate chop to the back of Lu Ann’s head.

  845. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#795):

    Perhaps Mr. Thurston is the last of the TIME LUSHES**, a perpetually drunk cosmic hobo who meanders throughout space and time in his TARDIS La-Z-Boy® Chair

    Isn’t that informally known as the TARDY-Boy Chair, which has the strange property of always fitting perfectly no matter how large your butt gets after all those Big Boxes o’ Beer.

    I’ve always liked the TIME LUSHES’ theme music: The hard driving electronic version of the Beer Barrel Polka.

  846. Calico
    December 28th, 2011 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#825):
    “Get me 18 million dollars by Friday!”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JHhXgqfKL0
    “Destiny was born with NO BRAIN!”

  847. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#836): Who the hell is Barnyard Google?

    @Chip Whittle (#843): I live in Tampa, which is about a 45 minute drive from Palm Harbor, Florida. As you can imagine, the local TV stations are giving extensive coverage to Cheeta’s demise. Channel 13 interviewed the woman whose parents owned and operated the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary when Cheeta was moved there in 1960. During the interview, Channel 13 ran an old publicity photo of her as a child posing with the chimp. The woman, who appears to be around 55-60, said the photo was taken 51 years ago when Cheeta first arrived at the sanctuary. Assuming that she’s not lying/mistaken about the identity of the chimp in the photo, Cheeta was at least 55-60 years old at the time of his death.

  848. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#846):

    SM: I can hardly wait for the next episode, where the two new characters and Thor have a show-down to see who has the ugliest hat.

    Ah, but none of them have the always popular-in-Riverdale “botched circumcision” hat.

  849. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#795) said: “The “Thirsty Thurston is Chip Flagston’s biological father” theory doesn’t explain why Chip resembles his Uncle Beetle, but the latter doesn’t look anything like his parents…”

    And to add to the Bailey/Flagston/Thurston conspiracy theories, Beetle’s father is a virtual clone of Camp Swampy psychiatrist Dr. Bonkus.

    @Cloudbuster (#787) said: “70s afterschool reruns for me were loaded with goodness for my tender young eyes: Carolyn Jones as Morticia, Barbara Eden, Elizabeth Montgomery, Tina Louise and Dawn Wells. happy sigh”

    Too bad you weren’t around in the ’50s, when you could have feasted your eyes on Irish McCalla as Sheena: Queen of the Jungle. (Although, in the photo, she appears to be Sheena: Queen of the Suburbs.)

  850. Calico
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#848):
    … And, apparently, so was LuAnn Powers.

  851. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#845): @Hibbleton (#837): So he threw feces. Big deal. That happens in every retirement home.

  852. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#847): Actually, the Time Lushes’ theme song is the BBC Radiophonic Workshop version of Frankie Yankovic’s Too Fat Polka.

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#851): There’s also Jean Rogers (“Dale Arden”) from the first two Flash Gordon movie serials. (And she’s even prettier than Flash!)

  853. AhClem
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Lurker Bob (#833):

    That reminds me of the time that a friend of the family mentioned that he was going to get a “digital” prostate exam (Nothing fruity for him, by god! He was a true Plugger). He didn’t know much about medicine and assumed that it somehow involved computers rather than the doctor’s finger.

    That would make him a Pluggee, not a Plugger.

  854. Hibbleton
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#851):

    May I add Barbara Feldon and Barbara Bain to the sixties’ babe-o’rama list?

  855. bats :[
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

  856. Lurker Bob
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#855):

    Nice! I almost spit tea through my nose.

    I wonder if Pluggers will ever tackle such a thing. The artwork alone would be worth it.

  857. Old School Allie Cat
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    MW – I have to point out that if this hulking brute cut the missing girl’s hair himself, he did a fine job. I had that same style as a kid – known as the “Modified Hamill” or “Ersatz Buster Brown” and it required sitting very still, or it would be uneven, and they’d have to go a little shorter. Basically, it’s a wonder I had hair as a kid.

    So, you know – if his life of crime doesn’t pan out, there’s always cosmetology school.

  858. hogenmogen
    December 28th, 2011 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Ghost who talks:
    Here’s the weekly recap: Monday, the Speedboat Guy understands “No questions asked”, but then asks his new client’s name… And dumbass tells his real name.
    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Phantom/12999/2011-12-26.php#endLoop

    Tuesday, Speedboat Guy again reiterates the “No questions asked” part of the agreement, but then proceeds to ask where Walker is going.
    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Phantom/13045/2011-12-27.php

    Today, Speedboat Guy says “Noooo questions asked” and then asks if Walker is doing something illegal.
    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Phantom/

    What answer does he expect?
    “Why, yes Speedboat Guy, I am planning on stealing this speedboat and killing all witnesses.”
    “Witnesses? There’s no one here on these docks but you and … oh. Oh shit.”

  859. hogenmogen
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#857): She told me about her pet beaver and her golden mounds! She is sending digital pictures that she is very excited about! She’s hoping to make the cover of a magazine – er not this magazine – Badly Drawn Hussies International!

  860. Baka Gaijin
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#790): Love it, loooove it! Mary Worth comment, that is.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#795): When you say it like that, it makes perfect sense. Mr. Occam would agree.

    @sully (#797): No excitement? Mary practically gave the waitress Shaken Baby Syndrome two Mondays ago. Shaken. Baby. Syndrome. to a grown woman. That’s exciting.

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#800): Isn’t Momo popular in the community? Doesn’t Caloo have the stylish gold bird band on his leg?

    @TheDiva (#811): You know who else looks like plaintiffs in a plastic surgery malpractice suit? Bree and most of the secondary characters in Mary Worth. Must be something in the water.

  861. Plugged
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    I always fancied myself a Plugger (I am even commenting on a strip from a few days ago).

    Now, I find out you cannot own a car from this century.

    Sad.

    I always thought my 2001 Ford Focus wagon with 200,000+ miles and strategic parts held on by duct tape made me a Plugger.

    I may go kill myself now, if only I can find my blunderbuss.

  862. Pseudo3D
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox (12/26): Actually, supermarkets, at least the ones I’ve been around, are okay with eating packaged goods, as long as you do pay for them.

    @hogenmogen (#860): Goodness, this plot doesn’t progress very much, does it?

    Can I take the time to tell you how much I HATE Phantom? The costume is woefully out of date, there’s no other characters or even a personality for the main character, the jungle is really boring, there’s no crazy villains, Phantom doesn’t even HAVE an alterego, really, it treats us as idiots (“In the Bandar Tongue!” or “For ‘The Ghost Who Walks’”), plots move really slowly, and so forth.

  863. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#856): Too bad one Aaron Spelling or someone didn’t put together a show with Barbaras Bain, Eden and Feldon. And called it Charlie’s Angels Apartment 3-B*.

    *The “B” standing for “Barbaras” and “Babes”!

  864. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#865): “Too bad one Aaron Spelling”? I need to stop watching old Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan films.

  865. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 28th, 2011 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Plugged (#863): I think we can make a “Plugger” exception based on the duct tape usage. But, at some point you’ll have to upgrade to a 1996 Camry Wagon with 300000 miles on it and no matching hubcaps.

  866. Droopy Says
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#792): AS-M – How much you wanna bet Thor smites the bad guys while Peter stands around dithering? Anybody? Aw, come on, you mean there’s nobody here who doesn’t think that’s going to happen?

    The serious betting is on precisely how Parker will make himself look useless, how long he’ll whine about it and how much MaryJugs will reassure him. Side bets involve “Will we see spidey-bolts around the Parker/Spiderman Splitface when he tells us he can’t reveal his secret identity?” and “Will somebody stumble into Parker during the confusion, so he can say that in some weird way he got involved?”

  867. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#808):

    if famous music producer Dan Diller scrawls my name on box of generic cream cheese

    Just wait until Luann spreads it on a bagel and puts it on the turntable.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#834): Yipes. That vodka chick frightens me. Thank goodness you also supplied palliative squee.

  868. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Woah, slow down, ladies! This is too much news, too fast, for Luann; her left eye is already starting to get lost in the confusion.

    MT: So, how many days until we learn that Mark has ruined Kelly’s pictures? Because nothing says “masculine, heroic nature man” like sabotaging a colleague’s work, right?

    Oh, wait: Kelly’s not a colleague; she’s a girl. Never mind.

    Curtis: I’ve already had just about enough of this coy “plain” business: No one will talk to Nettie or Nellie or whatever the fuck his name is because he’s, um, plain. His parents abandoned him as a baby because he’s, well, plain. Even the hyenas won’t touch him because he’s, gosh, plain. Billingsley, do you mean that he’s butt-ugly, hideous, horrific, disgusting? Unattractive to the point of Rusty? Then just fucking say so. Because you’re treating this character to unimaginable cruelty, and it just looks, well, um, gosh, dumb when you back off from the appropriate adjective.

    Unless you somehow mean that he’s not ugly at all, and this is all part of this year’s Kwaanza Krazy—in which case, let’s get to it already.

  869. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#856): Don’t forget Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble!

  870. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#854): I love the BBC Radiophonic Workshop! Too bad the group stopped touring.

  871. Anachrosaurus
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Today little Sam acquires the heavy-lidded eyes that signal the transition to jaded adolescence. In “the blink of an eye” indeed…

  872. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 28th, 2011 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    FW: More doom. And gloom. And cancer. Just what we’ve come to expect.

  873. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    JP-Poor Officer Bob. He has been sitting inside the car for several days with the windows rolled up and no air conditioning or radio.

  874. seismic-2
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#787): Petticoat Junction – the lovely ladies of Hooterville. ‘Nuff said.

  875. Zerowolf
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    A Crazy Curtis Kwanzaa: Of course the hyenas sent him back. They ordered their meal with chocolate sprinkles, not plain.

  876. Zerowolf
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#876): Or as Eva Gabor’s Lisa Douglas pronounced it, Hooterzshville. I’m surprised they were able to get that past the censors.

  877. Zerowolf
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Am I expected to believe that an 10 year old is the smartest person in that car? Oh wait, this is Rex Morgan, never mind.

  878. commodorejohn
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “Dan Diller has produced my album, and it sounds amazing! You wouldn’t believe the sound quality on this new ‘box of cream cheese’ format! I just wish I could understand why people keep asking if ‘Pinball Wizard’ is on it.”

    Curtis – HYENAS!

    DT – Wow. Seriously, wow. Eat it, Edge City.

    JP – Oh great, this is just going to turn into another money feud, isn’t it? Cripes.

    Luann – I wonder how Trent feels about this.

    Mandrake – A convertible against a cattle stampede? Yeah, try that with one cow sometime and see how it works out for you. Good luck with that.

    MT – Ahaha ahahahahahah hahahaha yeah right. Like Mark Trail isn’t pre-DARPA.

    MW – Mary’s going to rationalize her way right into stabbing the guy in the neck with a diner fork. “I had to take action!” she’ll sputter to the arresting officer. “What if they hadn’t gotten here in time? I couldn’t stop him when he was leaving, that might be too late!”

    PMP – …? What is…what’s going on here? Was Poncy Vampire Dude trying to horn in on a committed woman-vampiress relationship, and she had to drive him off? How do the mirrors factor in? What?

    Phantom – Okay, I like this guy. In the movie, I want him played by George Takei c.a. 1970.

    RMMD – Sarah will know, Kelly. Sarah will know.

    SFx – Hey, now, if a chicken simply doesn’t feel right as a hen, who are we to judge?

    SM – “Bling?” What, pray tell, are they hoping to steal? Her ballpoint pen? Her hairband? Or perhaps her scarf?

  879. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#869) said: “Just wait until Luann spreads it…”

    I think we are all waiting for that.

  880. commodorejohn
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#880): Okay, I was expecting people to beat me to the Tommy comparison, but I wasn’t really anticipating that three other people would make the cream cheese joke. Great strange minds, I guess…

  881. Zerowolf
    December 28th, 2011 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#838): Doll House’s premise was good, and could have worked if Josh had kept the number of characters and plots down. With 7 main characters, 10 recurring characters and more plots than a cemetary it collapsed under its own weight. That and Dushku’s two biggest talents aren’t singing and acting.

  882. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Those videos and pictures I made of us in the shower has gone viral.

  883. JupiterPluvius
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#791):

    Hyenas or jackals. Someone was confused, since the captions and the in-picture text don’t match.

    IT’S A KWANZAA MIRACLE

  884. Cloudbuster
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#838): I think Dollhouse is underrated. The very best thing about the show was the great, nuanced and evolving portrayals by the supporting cast, but it was a very difficult thing to see watched one hour a week with commercials. I watched both seasons on DVD pretty much back to back.

    Olivia William as Adele DeWitt and Fran Kranz as Topher Brink gave incredible performances as they evolved from ruthless mastermind and amoral technical genius, slowly revealing their humanity and being forced to confront it, eventually ending up as two of the most admirable, heroic characters in the series. And, wow, Enver Gjokaj as Victor, one of the dolls, had the ability to completely immerse himself in the many roles he had to play. In an episode where he was imprinted with Topher Brink’s personality, his impersonation of Topher is so spot-on you believe that it’s Topher in Victor’s body. I was floored by how good it was — it wasn’t just a silly character it was as if a different person was inhabiting the body.

    The series confronted some really deep and powerful topics, and had some really incredible on-going plot, but I think most of that was lost in the “doll of the week” format that most of the early episodes were based on.

  885. Chip Whittle
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#880):

    PMP – …? What is…what’s going on here? Was Poncy Vampire Dude trying to horn in on a committed woman-vampiress relationship, and she had to drive him off? How do the mirrors factor in? What?

    She was backing up, and checked the mirrors, and didn’t see anything. See? Simple.

  886. Liam
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    MW-Why are we hiding like this? It’s not like there is a guy waving a gun around threatening to kll people. It is just a kidnapper and his hostage eating ice cream.

  887. commodorejohn
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#887): Okay, I can’t believe I didn’t understand that at first. I blame jet lag, a pint of a very nice stout, and a late afternoon. (Some more visual evidence of an impact would’ve helped as well.)

  888. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#808) said Re A3G: “‘Yes, it’s white box with the word Tommie handwritten on it and the shape of the box conforms with no recognized modern format of audiorecording, but hey if famous music producer Dan Diller scrawls my name on box of generic cream cheese, the world better damned well sit up and take notice!’”

    Alternatively:
    Because Dan Diller believes that Tommie’s new-found fame will result in a horde of male admirers, he has given her a box of condoms especially created for fans of his alma mater, the University of Southern California. They are called Tommie Trojans.

  889. Pseudo3D
    December 28th, 2011 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#883): That’s “Joss” Whedon. Similarly, this page is not JossReads.com. That would be weird.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#870): It might be because Nelik, is, in fact, a white outline.

  890. Anonymous
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#891): LOL, Joss. At least I didn’t confuse Marti Noxon with Richard Nixon

  891. Trillian
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#890): If only he had gone to the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, MN, they could have been Tommie Tommies.

  892. Zerowolf
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    It appears someone ate my cookies

  893. Droopy Says
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#888): Because this way the kidnapper will notice Mary Worth as she peeks around corners and ducks into the kitchen area while making a long, furtive 911 call.

  894. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 28th, 2011 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#883): The writing was substandard (for Joss), and it took far too long to get into anything other than a “character of the week” storyline. Furthermore, as you say, while Eliza may not be a bad actress, the entire show rested on her ability to portray multiple personalities. Summer Glau could have done it — she can change her entire persona in the blink of an eye — but Eliza? No.

    @Cloudbuster (#886): I agree that it developed as it went along — and Victor as Topher was amazing. Topher himself was very good, too. Unfortunately, this merely served to point up Eliza’s inability to do anything other than portray a mindless bimbo or a street-wise tough.

    The premiss was encouraging, and as it progressed, it became intriguing. But Whedon’s talent has always been to capture the viewer right from the start, and in this I’m afraid he failed rather magnificently. Of course, we have to remember that the whole project was conceived while having lunch with Eliza because she wanted to get a new show going.

    If only he’d had lunch with Summer. *sigh*

  895. Baka Gaijin
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#867): Hubcaps? What kind of commie pinko are you? Hubcaps are for those east coast granola crunching liberals, not down to earth Plugger folk. (just kidding before anyone gets offended)

    @Anachrosaurus (#873): I was wondering what that referenced. It seemed important but I couldn’t figure out why.

    @commodorejohn (#880) on Mary Worth: Ah ha ha ha! Good one. I’m chuckling imagining the matronly Mary lunging at the guy, repeatedly stabbing him with the diner fork. Gruffy McKidnapper turns his head and gives her a WTF? look as he sees the cheap fork’s bent tines making contact with his shoulder. Being that Mary has a one-hundredth Trail on the punching scale,* to him it feels like someone tapping him on the shoulder before asking, “More coffee, sir?”

    * A one on the Trail Scale will knock the facial hair off a man. Half a trail will knock him down but not out.

  896. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#883): @Frank Lee Meidere (#896): The talk has turned to Dollhouse? Ah, fun.

    I very much put myself in the “pro” camp. It wasn’t perfect, mind you, but Joss doesn’t do perfect. He actually seems to like alienating viewers, and “Serenity” indicates he’d have probably pissed off fans with a second season of Firefly too.

    The show had an overtly creepy premise – that people could be employed as prostitutes or assassins without even knowing it – and ran some interesting variations on it. I tend to prefer the first season, where the corporation’s evil is subtle and implicit, whereas it was a huge flashing beacon in season 2. Still, there are great episodes in both seasons. And Eliza Dushku may not be the best acress in the world, but she gets the job done. She projects sufficient toughness to triumph over the physical fights and mental abuse she takes.

  897. kkarenb
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#859): He did a better job than Bree’s hairdresser.

  898. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 28th, 2011 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#883): …Dushku’s two biggest talents aren’t singing and acting.

    You’re talking about her eyes, right?

    http://www.iballer.com/femalecelebs/dushku_eliza/images/d1_jpg.jpg

  899. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Ripley’s — My Dinner with Andre… as conceived by Stephen King.

  900. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    Curtis

    Nelik after radical facial reconstruction surgery:

    http://geektyrant.com/news/2011/12/28/insanely-creepy-baby-joker-action-figure.html

    (Not safe for Baka Gaijin!)

  901. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#898): It wasn’t a matter of pissing off fans with Doll House — at least not for me. It was a curious lack of involvement and sparkling dialogue. Whedon has a well-deserved reputation of making every line of dialogue not only work, but work way better than it needs to. The first four or five episodes of Doll House looked like a show that could have been made by any competent screenwriter — albeit, a competent screenwriter with a very intriguing concept.

    Eventually, of course, things picked up — but by then the damage had been done. I was surprised they gave it the second season. Surprised, and somewhat annoyed, too, in that Firefly (a far better show) never got that extra chance.

  902. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#902): Not safe for Baka Gaijin?! Not safe for Baka Gaijin!!??

    For crying out loud, that isn’t safe for anybody!!

  903. Droopy Says
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker of Assguard: Ooooh, Peter Parker is threatening to butt in! And the two inarticulate strangers only want to see MaryJugs make a purse out of Leggoes.

    “And the Village Woman was very happy when her Village Children grew up to be the Village People.”

    Mock Trail: “By the way,” Editor Bill says, “Where are the pictures you took?” So Trail hands him the stolen memory card, securing his reputation as a backstabber.

    RM, MD: So she think’s she’s Pris in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and the boy is a chickenhead? With this strip, I would have thought an unironic mention of Buster Friendly and His Friendly Friends would have been more likely.

  904. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley Sister Wife — Clovia finally admits what I’ve long suspected: that husband Slim is also her brother.

    If the practice of incest is widespread in Hooterville (or wherever this strip is supposed to take place), I can certainly understand why so many of the characters are adopted.

  905. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    RMMD: And when Kelly says she thinks Niki is”special,” she means she always imagines him wearing a protective football helmet while eating his crayons.

  906. Droopy Says
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:13 am [Reply]

    tNAoQV: Nice Pearls Before Swine reference.

    Mary Worth: How do you keep the Big Bad from leaving? Why not sit Mary in the booth next to his and see what happens? Either she’ll meddle him out of action for weeks, like she did with Gina the Waitress, or he’ll kill her. Win-win.

    Pluggers: I’m not going to ask how you choose a list of Top Ten Pluggers cartoons. I’m am going to ask if whoever does the choosing can count that high.

  907. Liam
    December 29th, 2011 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    A3G-So instead of creating a fake celebrity as a thinly veiled disguised version of an actual celebrity we are going to use the name of an actual celebrity. Now this will be the only time we shall speak of this George Clooney fellow.

    MW-Mary will tackle the man and tie him up to keep him from leaving. If you really want to keep him from leaving you can cut his Achilles tendon.

    RMMD-She thinks you’re special like a friend. Not special like a guy she would let him put his dick inside of her.

    JP-He wants to buy April for his harem.

    MT-That is just too cruel and low for Mark Trail.

  908. Liam
    December 29th, 2011 at 6:37 am [Reply]

    MT-When Mark gets home and he is telling Cherry his story she will ask if Mother McQueen is prettier than her.

  909. Little A.
    December 29th, 2011 at 6:47 am [Reply]

    DOONESBURY: Look at her eyes, she has grown up ten years since yesterday. She no longer has the wide open innocent type eyes, she has the shaded eyes. (The same thing was done to Alex, when
    Trudeau decided to age her.) She doesn’t look twelve any more, she looks 22.

  910. John C Fremont
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:13 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#909): Yeah, Niki is about to get the old “Our friendship is so important to me that I don’t want to ruin it” speech. Then Niki will say that all he really wants is for Kelly to be happy, then go home and cry himself to sleep for the next 3 or 4 weeks. Not that I would know what that’s like.

    Pluggers – At first I was certain that I’d never seen this Top Ten entry before, but there was just something too familiar about that cat man sitting at that table. It’s kind of like waking up with a stranger in your bed and trying to remember what happened. Only in this case, the stranger is the “beloved” character Old Man Crenshaw from Boggy Creek II, and all you can remember is something about tending to his fires…

    Speaking of cat man, here’s my chance to do my Bob Seger impression; “Katmandu-u-u-u! Goodnight, everybody!”

  911. Self-Loathing Bob Seger
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    “I think I’m goin’ to Krod Mandoon.” No, wait. That’s terrible. I hate myself.

  912. ArchieNemesis
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Basketball figures hot and heavy in two current strips, Gil Thorp and Funky Winkerbean. Let’s compare, shall we? Gil Thorp’s art attempts to capture the dynamism of sport, while FW’s art mostly depicts players flat-footed. GT’s coaching staff, while clueless with football, can clearly compose a starting five with chemistry. FW’s coach is bad at both football and basketball. GT’s got a hot shooting fag, and FW’s got a mom who’s a drag.

  913. Hibbleton
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MT: Those photos are part of the historical record. Fifty years from now, who’ll give a shit about mother McDragqueen, her wolf-bullied bear, and her gold-smelting; goose-banding dead husband. Those photos will be a chronicle of a lost time. If Mark really destroys them I’ll be so pissed at this strip. And, I don’t want to hear word one from RANDY JENSEN, of MINNETONKA about how I should just ignore it. Where will be the record of the community Doug was so popular in? Answer me that, Mr. Jensen. … yeah, nothing to say. I didn’t think so.

  914. Little Guy
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#900): Great Baretto’s Ghost!

    Oh, and Doll House introduced us to the wonderful attributes of Miracle Laurie. And her acting and musical talent.

    @Droopy Says (#905), MT: QFT

  915. Little Guy
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    GA: *skims through, Clovia not in GILF Jeans, bored now*

    9CL: HA HA Scrotum Crush HA HA

    S-M: MJ looks nothing like the Christian Single Girl.

    CurtisKwanzaagaza: So far, it’s no Golden Otter, but at least there’s no puppy to kill. It’s all very….. plain.

    MW: How about a neuroparaylzer in Cro-Magnon Wesley’s coffee?

  916. wossname
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Kwanzaarama – Wow, that’s quite a picture of Momo. It took me 30 seconds just to figure out what it was, but then it was, um, plain.

    BGSS – I call shenanigans. Clearly Clovis should have said “cain’t,” not “can’t,” in panel 2. He’s an impostor!

    DT – We are supposed to be back in the present, right? Because Spike Jones (who I assume is the model for Spike Smith) died in 1965, rest his soul. And we’re still worrying about Putty Puss being out there somewhere on the lam, right? The high-speed parade of past villains has my head spinning. I really hope they’ll slow down pretty soon and give us a coherent story.

    AS-M – What happened to the old spider sense there, Petey?

    A3G – OK, this is interesting. When they wanted to include a Lady Gaga-like celebrity, they had to make up a name. But it’s OK to mention real George Clooney. Maybe they’ve got some kind of crossover deal and the A3G girls will appear in his next movie. And even more interesting, is Frank “I can’t draw a piano” Bolle going to try to draw GC?

  917. pinback
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#912): Hey, that’s MY Bob Seger impression!

  918. odinthor
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . — . . . The first step towards the torture chamber!

    MW. — “Well, do you have a ukulele? And I’m pretty sure I have taps for my shoes in the purse!”

  919. Chyron HR
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Curtis – So are the Village People all shunning Malik because he’s, um, “white”, or is that just a really unfortunate choice of visual shorthand?

    JP“Do you have any idea why this man would be interested in you?” Hey, I can think of two reasons, but there are kids reading these strips!

  920. tb4000
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: Good God.

  921. Comcis Fan
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MW: Make our day, Mary! Create a diversion!

  922. John C Fremont
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @pinback (#919): No, that’s the world’s Bob Seger impression, for he belongs to us all.

  923. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    “Can you say ‘George Clooney’?”
    “Gasp! You’re kidding!”
    “No, it’s very simple. Gggeeeooorrggee…. Geez, I thought Luann was the dumb one.”

  924. Cloudbuster
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MT: I suppose it would be too much to ask for Mark to receive some karmic payback for this cruel and unprofessional incident of vandalism. Of course it would, in a universe where we’re actually expected to believe that tourists would flock to Mother McQueen’s valley if he revealed the location.

  925. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    But for the record “Can you say ‘George Clooney’?” is NOT a “hint”.
    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Apartment-3-G/

  926. Ned Ryerson
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Let’s review the top ten Pluggers so far:

    #10 Dee & Paul Whitney, Evansville, Indiana: Dog needs hearing aids, gives chicken wife one last opportunity to speak to him before taking them out for the night.

    #9 Ed Readon, Billerica, Massachusetts: Dog orders dessert first in diner, therefore always has “room for dessert”

    #8 Verne Bellinger, Elida, Ohio: Dog falls asleep on couch, chicken wife wakes him up to come to bed.

    #7 Doug Johnson, Denton Texas: Bear has worn out multiple Lay-Z-Boy recliner handles.

    #6 Bryan Matson, Cedar Rapids, Iowa: First microwave was massive.

    #5 Arian Andrews, Sr., Padre Island Texas: Pluggers own old cars and boomboxes.

    #4 Harold Joe James, Monona, Iowa: Dog still records Lawrence Welk on VCR.

    #3 Clinton Ford, Jr., Richmond Virginia: Dog and chicken buy velvet Elvis from cat.

    Only two spots left for Reed Hoover! Will he make it this year?

  927. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    The Impotent Spidermess: If MJ was really a Goddess, she could defend herself, right? But that kind of critical thinking would have led Thor to question Loki’s story that got him there in the first place. Loki lied to Thor for millenia, and yet Thor hurtles himself across dimensions before checking for corroborating evidence. What part of “God of Mischief” does dumb-blonde-muscle-dude Thor not quite get?

    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Spider-Man/

    The best Thor/Loki characterizations I’ve ever seen come from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman comics. Loki brags about several times that he has tricked Thor and Odin into doing disgusting things to themselves and then thanking Loki for the advice. Thor, especially, is subtly skewered for his lack of perception and slow wit.

  928. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#831): Here’s a follow-up to the news story about Cheetah the Chimp that I posted yesterday…

    Experts scoff at Cheetah story:

    http://www.tampabay.com/news/humaninterest/article1208183.ece

    Also, Debbie Cobb is the name of the middle-aged woman who claims to have known Cheetah since she was a little girl. (Please see my response to fellow poster Chip Whittle at #849)

    Please note that Cheetah has already been cremated, so an autopsy to determine factors like his actual age and cause of death are no longer an option.

  929. Illustrator Steve
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#828): Too bad Mark and Kelly were away ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE the day Bill Ellis gave his writers those cranial implants!

  930. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Mary-Worth/

    Mary and the waitress do a quick “gimme some skin!” They should at least wait until their plan works.

    http://www.chron.com/entertainment/comics-games/comic/Mark-Trail/

    “My memory card! It’s GONE!” Because you were using a film camera, you moron.

  931. Braniff
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    FC: It’s rerun time! Today’s story of mankind by Dolly “First came God . . ” was first done by Bil Keane at least 40 years ago. With that in mind, we know that the second person mentioned “George Washington” was a slave-owner. I have to wonder–first, is the teaching of evolution discouraged in the Keane Kompound? Second, are slaves still be held in the Keane Kompound? Just wondering.

  932. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Ha ha! Crock said “email”! Wait another 14 years for a joke about this “texting” stuff.

  933. Mibbitmaker
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa ’11-12 12/29

    PANEL 1
    CROW: “Tom Batiuk’s Africa.”
    JOEL: “Now there’s some deeply sympathetic people who will appreciate Nelik’s generosity!”

    PANEL 2 (wall of text)
    CROW: “…orrrrrr not!”
    SERVO: “C’mon, Billingsley, you can’t even make a poverty-sticken, suffering family likable and decent? Really?!”

    PANEL 3
    CROW: “Well, there is a snorting warthog. Good going, Momo!”
    SERVO: “Hmmm…. that’s kinda like an ape being named Bobo.”
    JOEL: “What?”
    SERVO: “Oh, uh… nothing!”

    PANEL 4
    ALL: “WE GET IT!!!”

    PANEL 5
    SERVO: “Here comes our heavy-handed lesson!”
    CROW: “It came rather early.”
    JOEL: “Aw, there’s a tear in his….. nothing.”
    SERVO: “Shortest Kwanzaa ever!”

    (continued…..?)

  934. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Braniff (#933):
    What confused me about FC today was that Dolly was reading from the Bible. Where does it mention George Washington in the Bible? Or Bil Keane? Why does everyone (dogs included) look so bummed about their presumed lineage of being only 3 generations removed from the Almighty?

  935. gleeb
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: Hee hee, he’s an incompetent!

  936. KreatureFeatures
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#918):

    AS-M – What happened to the old spider sense there, Petey?

    Peter Parker’s spider sense failed to detect a lurking musclebound Swede with a sledgehammer in hand, as well as a pair of stereotypical thugs noisily bearing down on his date. Meanwhile, Mary Worth’s meddler sense has been clanging like a fire alarm for weeks now, reaching a crescendo in today’s strip, as a fully amped Mary, with waitress sidekick, rallies the cook, busboy, and manager to storm the table and administer a fists-flying beatdown on the unsuspecting childnapper.

    Mary’s got the better action strip this week, no doubt. I’d love a crossover with Dick Tracy, where Dick and Sam sneak in the kitchen, place a loaded .45 on a tray covered with a napkin, and send Mary to the table. Mary places the tray on the table, says, “Here’s your rainbow swirl!”, reaches under the napkin with her right hand, then flings off the napkin with her left, and doubletaps her surly foe in the head and chest while screaming, “Run Emily!” as Dick and Sam exchanged satisfied nods from the kitchen door.

  937. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Curwanzzaa: I’d like to see Nelik come back with his AK47 riding on the back of a crazed, blue warthog. “Dis my water, will ya? Say I aint got no face? *POW* Now you aint got no face, suckka!”

  938. Chip Whittle
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Aw, isn’t that adorable? Margo’s pretending Tommie can do things!

    Beetle Bailey: Pet mosquito, sure. I bet that’s a winged cockroach if anything. Wait, I’m not sure that was actually an insult.

    Bleeker: Ever since MST3K put the idea out, I’ve wanted Six Million Dollar Man motion noises. Well, kind of. I mean, for a couple minutes anyway.

    Curtis: Wait a second, isn’t that the outline of Barry? No wonder nobody wants anything to do with him.

    Family Circus: “First there was God. Next came George Washington, and then Daddy. Next up is you, Jeffy. So, we’re dead.”

    Funky Winkerbean: “So I gave them my ‘khyber rifles, remember the Alamo, damn the torpedoes, we have’t yet begun to fight’ speech. Unfortunately, turns out Les was their history teacher too, so he skipped all that boring stuff from the years B.L.”

  939. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#649): Sorry, Baka. Some CC’s name was a messed up birthday cake.

  940. Illustrator Steve
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MT – Poor Kelly discovers that her memory card is gone!
    I think I once saw an old Twilight Zone episode where the same type of thing happened to someone, somewhere, sometime, sort of, or something. (SEE! reading Jackelrod’s stupid story has turned me into a babbling IDIOT!)

  941. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#864): Yes, and today Walker (for “The Ghost Who WALKS – get it?), shows Speedboat Gonzales that Walker (aka: “The Ghost Who WALKS – get it?) is really the Phantom/Ghost. There’s really no choice after revealing his identity. Walker (who is named so for “The Ghost Who WALKS – get it?) will have to kill him.

  942. Mibbitmaker
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#912):

    Who can do “Plugger redistribution of wealth”?

    Cat man do!
    (Goodnight, everybody!)

  943. Marked Trail
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    What have I learned from Mark Trail (excluding Sunday strips, I already had a hunch that Tsunamis were bad)?

    The best way to deal with anyone who disagrees with you is a good right cross.

    If you are job entails going on the road to potentially dangerous places and situations it is best to not tell your wife anything. After all she is only good for one thing, PANCAKES!!!

    If you promise anything to a child, it is ok to break that promise and run off on an adventure or go to a PANCAKE!!! breakfast. Kids just want to look at ginormous birds and beavers, that don’t want time to learn anything.

    It is ok to have no professional ethics. If you think that a co-worker is doing something that you don’t agree with it is ok to fuck up their work, steal their data, and anything else to push your career ahead at their expense.

    I could go on, but I have to go shred some of my co-workers TPS year end reports before our eleven o’clock 2011 ending staff meeting.

    Tee-Hee. Thanks Mark!

  944. Mibbitmaker
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    A3G: In your (wet) dreams, Margo!

    BBailey: The Willard of the insect world.

    9CL: Now that’s how a Burber woman “should” act! Improve, Edda.

    MT: Nelson: “HA-HA!”

  945. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    bgss: 5471 DSBGLAITCSTBHN.
    15 year anniversary January 5th!

  946. seismic-2
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    A3G, Scenario 1: “Yes, George Clooney is an invited guest to the opening of the Mills Gallery! We were able to get him to come, because it turns out that his current girlfriend is an old classmate of Paul Linski’s! What a coincidence!!! Can you imagine? Oh Lu Ann, that reminds me – didn’t you say you have some news, too?”

    A3G, Scenario 2: “Don’t hold back, Margo – give Lu Ann and me a hint!” “OK, Tommie, can you say George Clooney?” “GASP – You’re Kidding!!” “Nope, that was my hint. Because if you can say ‘George Clooney’, then you can probably also say ‘Marge Rooney’, and that’s who it is. She used to be married to Mickey Rooney’s uncle’s grandson, or something like that.”

    A3G, Scenario 3: “Yep, George Clooney is on the Mills Gallery’s guest list of the Rich and Famous! So are Barack Obama, Meryl Streep, Peyton Manning, Bill Gates, and Vladimir Putin. Now all we have to do is send invitations to all those people and then see just how many of them accept.”

  947. TheDiva
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    9CL: Three panels of Brooke pretending he’s criticizing the sexualization of women in the media, followed by one panel of blatant sexualization of one of his female characters. Just another day at the office.

    C’shaft: So much effort to set up the pun, to so little purpose.

    Curtis: Good heart or no, I wouldn’t trust water brought to me by a featureless white blob either.

    FW: This is going to end with Summer taking over Bull’s job and both coaching and scoring the Lady Goats to state, isn’t it? Hell, she’ll probably cut the entire rest of the team and wind up passing the ball to herself for a buzzer-beating lay-up that secures the title for herself.

    MT: Mark resorts to desperate measures to keep Kelly Welly in her place.

    MW: Relax, Bree. If there’s one thing this strip is good at, it’s stalling.

  948. Chip Whittle
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Henry: I think it’s exciting Henry has chosen to fragment all narrative and go bonking himself on the head with lollipops. By “exciting” I mean “exciting for Henry“.

    Love Is… playing games that might be kind of exciting if they weren’t seven-year-olds.

    Mark Trail: Say, now, have we ever seen Mark Trail and the Silver Age Clark Kent in the same room together? Because this is the sort of head game he’d play on Lois Lane back when humiliating her for being a girl reporter was Mission Number One.

    The Middletons: “So that’s what happened to that foul ball we lost. It was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk ever since September!”

    The Phantom: On the one hand, The Phantom shows he’s clever enough to point out how dopey No Questions Guy has been. On the other, he chewed off his normal clothes like a corgi dressed in pantyhose.

    Pluggers: What catches my eye in this sad transaction is how particularly downbeat Chicken Woman is the cookie jar. Not only did Dog Man insist on buying the Elvis poster using her hard-scrounged cookie-jar savings, but he insisted she bring her cookie jar with her, so the money would go from shaded crumb-infested entombment to cigar-box entombment with a minimum of fresh air.

  949. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp — Jack Lord from Hawaii 5-0 makes a guest appearance in today’s strip. (“Book ‘em Danno!”)

  950. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois

    Ditto wishes he was a Time Lush® like his biological dad, Thirsty Thurston!

  951. UncleJeff
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MW: It’s Day 60 of “Occupy Diner Booth” and the Meddler and Stupid Waitress are running out of ideas. Mary is trying to remember the routine she did at the “Boom Boom Room” back in the ’40s.

    Love Is….Naked Little Boy is leading a blind-folded Naked Little Girl out of the panel. Nothing here could be misconstrued!

    MT: I wonder what the job market is like for unemployed “nature writers”. I think ol’ Publisher Bill and the HR Department are gonna have to have a meeting.

    GA: Throw the cleaver, Clovia! The cleaver!

  952. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    3G – She’s not exactly kidding, Tommie, but “George Clooney” is a hint. Being a cartoon character yourself, you are expected to understand that the guest list will include George of the Jungle and Odie Cologne.

    DennisMenacer’s Textbook: Erase Grandpa from the picture, and take off “‘s dentures” from the caption. Voila — “Dennis, have you seen Grandpa?” — MENACE!

    Dick – Spike Smith! That’s like that guy who was in Dick Tracy in 1949, Spike Dyke!
    His Musical Nuts intrigue me, though. How, exactly, does he play them? Does he rub them together, or strike them with a small hammer? Do they just sing into a microphone pointing at his Y-fronts?

  953. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke – Where does a dog get the idea of venerating a bone on a purple tasseled cushion? This is completely alien to anything a real dog would do. Does he also blog about the bone? Does he have a website called RateMyBone? Why isn’t he just chewing on it?

    Pluggers – Awwww, Henrietta Beak finally found an urn for Aunt Cookie! That’ll free up her large Tupperware canister for macaroni again.

    ps: The Hall of Pluggers — including “Dingo”, “Alan Litigator,” “Moose K. MacMoose III” and other now-vanished specimens. No doubt someone has linked this before, but what the hell; old stuff gets new after a while.

  954. terrapin
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    MT: And where Mark put it, you don’t want it back.

    RMMD: Yeah, in my experience “you’re special” is always followed by “I’ll always love you like a brother.” Tough luck Niki.

  955. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#781): I’ve always maintained that Chip Flagston was Thirsty’s son, because he resembles Thirsty more than he does Hi.
    Hey, me too! … Wait, does that make you my… um… uncle??

    @sully (#797): Respectfully, the option exists for you to make your own website and snark on strips you, um, like better. This is the way that works for Josh and his many readers. I understand there are even people who read this without participating in it, so there could be, literally, LOTS of them.

  956. Pseudo3D
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Okay, Tommie, can you say George Clooney?”
    “GASP! You’re kidding!”
    “That’s right! I am kidding! Ha ha ha!”

    9CL: “D8″ was my expression, there.

    Luann: Well, considering what you gave your family for Christmas in 2011…

    MT: Joke’s on you, Kelly! You don’t have a brain to begin with!

    AS-M: Watch and learn as Peter Parker does….nothing!

  957. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers

    In other news: Chester Cheeto sells Cheetah the Chimp’s cremains to Henrietta Beak. (They’re in the ceramic cookie jar that she’s carrying!)

  958. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: As Bree asks what to do if the kidnapper tries to leave, Mary cocks her rifle and says, “Just you let me worry about that, little lady.”

    GA: Clovia is also going on the theory that another blow on the head will make Slim smarter. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

    Phantom: “What’s with the spandex? Are you some kind of fetishist? What’s your favorite day of the week? How do you know when it’s really love?”

    DtM: I actually laughed at this. Dennis is no threat to Lio, but the snowman with old person teeth is pretty nightmarish.

    Baldo: Don’t worry, Papi. Baldo will perk up when Winston and Julia start screwing.

    S-M: Peter thinks, “Ha, jokes on them. MJ doesn’t have any Legos in her purse.”

    BB: Surprise of the day: Zero is actually lord of the flies.

    H&L: Ditto is just disappointed he wasn’t born in time to see public hangings.

    JP: “But I just want to say that those things look pretty real to me. That’s a good surgeon you found.”

    RMMD: How sweet. Kelly told Niki she always thought he was special, and she managed to choke back the word “needs.”

    A3G: But will Frank Bolle be ready, willing and able to draw George Clooney? *GASP* Now you really are kidding!

    Lockhorns: “Leroy said he wanted to go out like Dylan Thomas did. I’m not sure what he meant by that.”

    FC: As you can see, the Keane Kompound family Bible lays out the pecking order in no uncertain terms. Watch out kids, because #4 man Billy will be around soon to make sure you’re not slumping.

    DT: Spike Smith has it all over Spike Jones. Spike Jones made some wacky music, but he couldn’t play a tune on his testicles.

  959. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    MT: Bum, ba-dum, dum DUMMMMM!!!………..better get Slylock Fox on the case..

    MW: …………I feel a “meddle within a meddle” coming on!

    RMMD: Yeah right.

    SFx: “Sitting on a park bench……..eyeing little girls, with bad intent!…..Snot is running down his nose…”

    Archie: Ha ha ha!! It’s funny because Archie will never be able to afford that suit in a million years!!

    Love is…: S&M dot rubbing.

  960. Chip Whittle
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Baldo: Well, look at that. Gracie loves her Big Brother.

    Betty: Yeah, I’m not seeing how getting a Twitter app in the wrong hands could be “quite dangerous”. Worst it does is embarrass celebrities and occasionally retire a politician who says dumb stuff. In this regard, it’s a benefit.

    Compu-Toon: (1) No, it’s not. (2) The mainland is there on the edge of the panel to the right.

    Gasoline Alley: Faced with partly self-inflicted catastrophe destroying his financial world, Slim decides the only thing to do is eat. Slim’s become so stupid he’s almost fallen around the edge and attained Buddhist wisdom. If he realized it, he’d have a point, that he can’t stave off disaster but does have to tend his bodily needs.

    Ginger Meggs goes after all those kids who’re big sleeper-car railroad fans today. Also, apparently, in Australia it’s 1952.

    In The Sticks shows a small bird romantically involved with a tiger-headed golf club cover. Other cartoonists, you should strive to be this mature and non-creepy.

  961. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#958):

    9CL: “D8? was my expression, there.

    Okay, I got that when I tilted my head to the right.

  962. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#954): There very well may be a website called RateMyBone, but I’m not sure it would have anything to do with Marmaduke. Kinda hope not.

  963. UncleJeff
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#960): MW: As Bree asks what to do if the kidnapper tries to leave, Mary cocks her rifle and says, “Just you let me worry about that, little lady.”

    “Cocks her rifle”? Oh yeah. Mary ran back to the condo and grabbed the old family flintlock.

  964. Chip Whittle
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Incidental Comics: I want the egg chair. Stop knocking on it.

    Reply All: “Some guy’s calling to tell us how evil our company is and how we’re ruining the nation.” “Wait, our company does anything? Are we in a particular field of any kind?”

    Rose is Rose: Ah, love, as long as it doesn’t require any effort.

    Shoe: “I’m depressed, anxious, and ambiguously fragile.” “You want to just jumble ominous-sounding words together some more?”

  965. Uncle Lumpy
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#964):

    There very well may be a website called RateMyBone

    @RepWeiner

  966. Mark Trail, Memory Card Voleur
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    The laws of nature, you must obey. The laws of man … eh, not so much.
    Oh, and Kelly Welly? Yeah, I tap that when Rusty’s not available. Remember — the laws of nature, not of man.

  967. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#952): Ditto wishes he was a Time Lush® like his biological dad, Thirsty Thurston!

    And whom amongst us does not? Or to put it more simply:

    Ditto!

  968. Ned Ryerson
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Frank Bolle asks, “Does George Clooney look like any of these fellows?”

  969. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#967): Surname is destiny, apparently.

  970. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#828):

    You’d think that Bill Ellis is a technophobe troglodyte, but instead of moving from the IBM Selectric to a word processor to a flat screen to a laptop to an iphone to an ipad, he skipped generations of technology and went directly from a steno pad to cranial chips that receive messages directly into his grey matter.

    Just to be safe, though, he kept his Pickett Model N-500-ES* Log-Log slide rule.

    *The “ES” stands for “eye saver” – a black on yellow color scheme that helps prevent the user from becoming somniculous after a long series of calculations.

  971. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    MT— At this very moment, Mark is destroying the contents of Kelly’s memory card by exposing it to sunlight.

  972. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#971):
    Anagrams are destiny as well: Anthony Weiner = Hairy Neon Newt.

  973. Pseudo3D
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#970): I remember Mr. Mojo! IIRC, he was supposed to be some stereotypical gay hairdresser, but the end result looks like Mr. Clean, some ancient king from maybe Egypt or Mesopotamia, and post-chemo Lisa, all combined into one.

  974. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#970): Great mash up of the pantheon of clones representing A3G men. Clooney would most closely resemble Cody plus a little grey on the side minus the ree-dick-oo-luss neckerchief.

  975. cartooncritic2544
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    If there was any doubt that 9CL‘s Brooke McEldowney is a hypocrite on the issue of objectifying women, his annotated Pibgorn removes it.

  976. gleeb
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#970): What about Jones the druggie?

  977. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#957) said: ” … Wait, does that make you my… um… uncle??”

    Well, while I may have a number of, er, “nephews” and “nieces”, I am clearly not in the same league as “Uncle Lumpy” or “UncleJeff”.

  978. Ned Ryerson
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#978): I wish I had been more forwardthinking and thorough in compiling that gallery. I started off with the blond guys only, then added the dark haired guys when the Cody/Blaze model began to coalesce. Bald guys were an afterthought. I’ll wait for one more hobo tramp before I start another category.

  979. Shrug
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#936):

    “What confused me about FC today was that Dolly was reading from the Bible. Where does it mention George Washington in the Bible?”

    The Keane kids assume the United States is divinely blessed, and said country was Born of a Virgin(ian)?

  980. Shrug
    December 29th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#938):

    If it were a .22 instead of a .45, we could work in a JUDGE PARKER crossover too.

  981. Marc
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Funky- Nobody in Westview is any good at anything except getting sick and/or dying.

    Mary Worth- I imagine Mary has Mr. Burns like levels of physical weakness. So I would love to see her physically try to stop the kidnapper.

  982. AhClem
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#960):
    “Phantom: “What’s with the spandex? Are you some kind of fetishist? What’s your favorite day of the week? How do you know when it’s really love? What is your favorite color? What is the average airspeed velocity of an unlaiden swallow?”
    There … finished it for you.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#972):

  983. AhClem
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    (With nearly 1000 posts, the system is acting sluggish and I hit “Post” by mistake)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#972):
    “Just to be safe, though, he kept his Pickett Model N-500-ES* Log-Log slide rule.”

    Still have mine!

  984. seismic-2
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Mary and Bree are panicking about what to do if the kidnapper gets up and leaves. Um, maybe write down the license number and the model of the car they get into? Even the Santa Royale police know how to send out and respond to an APB. Oh wait, the Santa Royale police is made up of the sort of guys who would marry someone like Adrian. Never mind.

  985. Pseudo3D
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Just so there’s context, the “missing post” of mine involved the “three Woolworth stores”.

    The United States one, F.W. Woolworth Co. developed specialty stores in the 1980s and closed the Woolworth (no S) five-and-tens, renaming themselves after their most successful format, Foot Locker (yup, same one)

    The UK one was originally a division of F.W. Woolworth, spun off in the 1980s, was branded as “Woolworths” (yes S) and went out of business in 2009.

    The Austrailian one was named after F.W. Woolworth Co. but has no relation.

  986. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    MT – WHAT IS THIS??!! Is KWJB actually using a LAPTOP??!! But this can’t be!

    My guess is that instead of a laptop, it’s really clip art of a picture frame!

  987. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I hope nobody just post something silly to pad the numbers and get to 1000. That would be wrong.

  988. Illustrator Steve
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    MT – Mark figured he was being pritt-T clever when he gave Kelly’s memory card to Johnny Malotte for safe keeping. Unfortunately for Mark, Johnny Malotte posted all of Kelly’s digital photos on the internet.
    But, when Johnny called Mark to let him know he put the memory card on the net, Mark was happy to hear it. After all, Mark figured since the memory card was on Johnny’s FISHING NET it would be safe there until Malotte goes fishing And Johnny can dump the memory card in the pond!

  989. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Of course, I meant “posts”. Sorry.

  990. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#983): Funky- Nobody in Westview is any good at anything except getting sick and/or dying. Well, you have to go with your strengths.

  991. Calico
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Haha, Honey Bear took the memory stick!

    MW – you know, Mary, you could mosey outside and wait to see if you can get a license plate number, if Bigfoot there actually drove to the diner…

  992. Calico
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#986):
    Argh, I just now saw your post. Great minds, rainbow swirl ice cream, drunken Leroy Lockhorn, almost 1,000 posts, and all that… : )

  993. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#981): Reminds me of this famous painting of Jesus presenting the Constitution to a mostly grateful nation.

  994. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#954):

    His Musical Nuts intrigue me, though.

    Spike was part of a distinguished musical dynasty. You remember his grandpa, Gilbert and his Flying Knuts?

    “I’m Gilbert the Filbert, the knut with a k,
    The pride of Piccadilly, the blasé roué.
    Oh Hades! the Ladies who leave their wooden huts,
    For Gilbert the Filbert, the colonel of the knuts,
    I’m knuts.”

  995. Uncle Lumpy
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#971):

    Surname is destiny, apparently.

    Tragically so. Them’s the lumps.

  996. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

  997. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Are we there yet?

  998. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    How about NOW!

  999. commodorejohn
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “Look, there’s George Clooney right now, just off-panel!”

    Curtis – Could Curtis just turn into The Adventures of Warthog and Ostrich? I wouldn’t mind a bit.

    DT – “But now that I’ve trapped his soul in this glass of KosherNog, he’s at my mercy!”

    Love Is… – …not touching this one.

    Luann – Poor Bernice. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love…

    Mandrake – “Good thing we had the top down!”

    MT – The moral of the story: Mark Trail is kind of a dick.

    MW – Is it me, or is this turning into “Gourmet Night” from Fawlty Towers?

    Peanuts – Gee, this doesn’t remind me of college at all…

    Phantom – Your secret identity policy could use a little work.

    RMMD – Ceiling Mom is watching you make out.

    SF – Aww.

  1000. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Hooray for me. I got post #500, and #1000, and I only cheated a little bit.

    “Ti-ra-ra-la-i-tu! I gloat! Hear me!” Stalky, still on his heels, whirled like a dancing dervish to the dining-hall.

    “Ti-ra-la-la-i-tu! I gloat! Hear me!” Beetle spun behind him with outstretched arms.

    “Ti-ra-la-la-i-tu! I gloat! Hear me!” McTurk’s voice cracked.

  1001. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G — Sorry, Margo, but George Clooney won’t be able to make it to your gallery opening. Because he’s already agreed to appear as eye candy at his
    Aunt Rosemary’s faux Italian-themed New Year’s Eve Party:

    Kid you good a lookin’ but you don’t a-know what’s cookin’ till you
    Hey mambo, Mambo italiano
    Hey mambo, Mambo italiano
    Ho, ho, ho, you mixed up Siciliano
    it’s a so delish a ev’rybody come copisha
    How to mambo italianoooooo!
    ‘Ats nice!
    UNH!

  1002. Poteet
    December 29th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#834): Awww. And yes, I see the resemblance:-).

  1003. Poteet
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    MT — I hope Honey the Bear is somehow responsible for this disappearance. Of course that would mean Honey is more technologically sophisticated than me, but I’m getting used to that in comic strip characters.

  1004. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @cartooncritic2544 (#977): My reaction to his Pibgorn commentary today, in its entirety: disgusted/amused snorting sound.

    His desire to have his cake (cheese cake) and eat it too (because he’s a Serious Artist who has a Social Message and doesn’t do Trashy) is, to me, the mark of an amateur who found success despite himself. Professionals don’t need to constantly defend themselves, because they know the quality of their work is evident, and they have enough experience to not worry about what others think of it. It’s only the insecure and inexperienced who have to keep puffing themselves up and explaining what they really meant; it reveals their amateur, self-taught nature to anyone with a lick of training, though they themselves can’t see it.

    Short version: for all that McE likes to tout himself as belonging to the highbrow elite, he fails to recognize that genuine elites don’t bother – either you see quality or you don’t. It’s like how old rich families will wear older, ratty clothes rather than flashy bling; they know how wealthy they are, and that’s all that counts. Who cares what others think?

  1005. seismic-2
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#1005): “Mark, I just got a call from Kellly, all in a panic that the memory chip was missing from her camera. Do you know anything about that?”
    “Well, Bill, I do remember that there were some wolves in the area that somehow looked particularly… villainous!

  1006. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Curwanzzaa:
    Nelik’s adopted parents are an unusual pairing of an ostrich and a warthog. Jungle pluggers … “Juggers”, if you will.

    Juggers remember when “plain” only referred to an open stretch of land. – sent in by I. Ken Takeit of Camp Swampy, Ill.
    A Juggers bathroom remodel (shows a tree with warthog scratches at the base) – sent in by U. Kant Maykit of Funkytown, Ill.

  1007. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: One of our greatest pornographers denies being a pornographer. Sorry, Brooke, but that’s exactly how you roll.

  1008. hogenmogen
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#995): That painting (with accompanying pompous explanation) is hilarious! Most hilarious is the pregnant woman who the artist explains is carrying a disabled child. Disabled children are tragic. Using them as a piece in your hamhanded montage of pious indignation in such a badly thouhgt out display where the only way to know that the child is disabled is to read the artists expository web site is hilarious! The rest is pure Keane Kompound indoktrination with plenty of “c”s changed to “k”s to be skarier.

  1009. kkarenb
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#955): I had never seen the Hall of Pluggers before, so it was new to me. The art style certainly has deteriorated. Sheila Roo looks downright saucy. And whatever happened to Ginger and the crocodile lawyer? I’ve been following it only since I started reading this site, but it seems like Pluggers started out with a somewhat humorous attitude that has disappeared, leaving only variations of “Pluggers are poor and take a lot of pills.”

  1010. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 29th, 2011 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#1009): He thinks it’s an art film (since it’s set to classical music, I guess). ;)

  1011. Islamorada Girl
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    In a plot stretch- out remarkable even for Mary Worth, it’s taken the cops two whole weeks to show up at Kidnapper Diner. I’ve never kidnapped anyone, but I think if I did, I’d do drive up windows rather than roll into a public place with my kidnappee in tow. Besides, whatever they serve in that diner must be all fat and carbs. That guy has gained like 100 pounds in the past week, just sitting there.

  1012. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#1010): Yes, in a horrible way it’s a kind of masterpiece.

  1013. Islamorada Girl
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    As I was saying, at this rate, by the time law enforcement arrives, the kidnapper will weigh 800 pounds and be trapped in the booth, unable to move as they circle in
    for the arrest. Of course, maybe that’s Mary’s plan. Once the villain is larger than a Macy’s Parade float, she can take him down herself, with one well placed salmon square.

  1014. Little Guy
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1002): Naw, cheating would be to post. every. word. in. a. different. message.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1003): Ah, yes, the “Indian Outlaw” of its day.

  1015. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#1010): I too thought it was hilarious. I never knew I was such an evil person — my church and my military reserve unit should kick me out right now for being such a dirty “.

    Someone should Photoshop Opus the Penguin getting burned in effigy. Or was there a character representing evil cartoonists that I missed?

  1016. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1014): Masterpiece? It is pretty good, but it ain’t no Velvet-Elvis…

  1017. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    @Islamorada Girl (#1013): She might have accidentally called the Springfield Police Department:

    Chief Wiggam: Sorry, you’ve dialed the wrong number. This is 91-”2″.

  1018. Liam
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    MW-Mary needs to let the waitress get back to her job or else there is going to be two hostage situations by the time the cops arrive.

  1019. UncleJeff
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    @Islamorada Girl (#1015): Or “just onnnne theeeeen way-fer”

  1020. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Islamorada Girl (#1015):

    Once the villain is larger than a Macy’s Parade float, she can take him down herself, with one well placed salmon square.

    Or someone besides Mary could do it with a wafer thin mint.*

    *Language and other content warnings.

  1021. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#985): “Just to be safe, though, he kept his Pickett Model N-500-ES* Log-Log slide rule.”
    Still have mine!

    I presume that’s the one I have that’s yellow and crisply metallic. Got it the same place as my K&E Extra Large.

    @kkarenb (#1011): Or, as I said one time:
    “Pluggers have a cabinet full of stuff to make them crap more, and a fridge full of stuff to make them crap less.”

  1022. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#1018): Yeah, but I bet the Velvet Elvis doesn’t have mouse-overs! Now if he could just do one with Jesus and Elvis playing poker with a bunch of cigar smoking dogs – with a mouse-over so you could tell what hand everybody was holding…

  1023. Mibbitmaker
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Glibporn: McEldowney’s right that porn music does not belong in one of his “sexy” scenes (or, given his ironic denials, “”sexy”” scenes). But the Pretentious One is wrong that “meaningful” music belongs in its stead.

    The music that is most appropriate for any of Brooke’s “”sexy”” scenes, like today’s, is really the opening theme music from the original 1st season of SCTV:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUzhxgZ-ug4

  1024. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#1016): Naw, cheating would be to post. every. word. in. a. different. message.
    Hmm. #1500 should. be. along. any. time. now.

  1025. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Baldo Kudos to Hector Cantú’s call out today for Orwell’s 1984. Still, had it been me I’d have Papi start reading “Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead…”

    Then a few weeks later we could have him finishing with “… and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

  1026. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    The comics are making me crabby this week.
    First, Mark Trail pulls a particularly asshat and unprofessional move, and we’re supposed to find it okay because a) he’s Mark Fuckin’ Trail and b) she’s just Kelly Welly—hapless human with a vagina. (And Wooden Wildlife is going to publish this big story about a beautiful valley without pictures? Really? Mark’s prose is so scintillating and evocative that it doesn’t need photos?)

    Next, we learn that in an African village, one can be dying of thirst but still have, um, standards about appearance—which is, um, stoopid.

    Then we see that Randy has access to the file on April, but can April see the file on April? Of course not! April isn’t a Parker-Driver, and so despite her good looks and bodacious ta-tas, she doesn’t get to enjoy the privileges—security breaches, violations of confidentiality, free pass for putting bullets into folks who annoy you—of the Parker-Drivers. And besides, she, like Kelly, is a vaginated individual, and we all know that female genitalia impair the judgment of those who sport them.

    Errrghhh. Let me tell you, Giella had better not ruin my life by trying to depict George Clooney. It makes me very happy that just the thought of George makes me all warm and melty inside; if Giella converts him to one of his Generic Males, I am going to use April’s firearm to steal his memory card—permanently.

  1027. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Islamorada Girl (#1015): Once the villain is larger than a Macy’s Marcy’s Parade float, she can take him down herself, with one well placed salmon square.

    There. Fixed it for you.

  1028. Spotts1701
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1028): Someone needs a couple more rounds at the bar, methinks. Takes the edge off the crabby (or at least provides a defense when it’s time to go off the rails).

  1029. Peanut Gallery
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy – Silly alien! Ziggy bites every day.

  1030. Droopy Says
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#995): Is Jesus wearing a Message Toga? That seven-headed serpent on his chest looks like the old Symbionese Liberation Army logo.

  1031. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    urg.

    spent all day moving.

    ugh.

    sorry, no time for squee today.

  1032. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#1032): That’s right! He’s wearing it over a “What would Margo do?” t-shirt.

  1033. commodorejohn
    December 29th, 2011 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    Important Announcement: If any of you guys haven’t seen Spielberg & Jackson’s The Adventures of Tintin, drop everything you are doing and go see it. Now.

  1034. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    But George Clooney’s a pro! He can make himself look like anybody! Probably. So who’s to say he hasn’t already been in the strip — in Blueface!

  1035. Mark B
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    I have news for Kelly Welly. Her memory card has been missing for a long, long time.

  1036. Sequitur
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1028): Sounds like you could use some FUDGE!

    Everybody, help yourself!

  1037. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#1038): Mmmm….. Fudge….. (Between that and Spotts1701‘s advice above, I think I’m on the road to an improved mood!)

    Hey, does anyone remember this old jump-rope rhyme? (My sister brought fudge at Christmas, and I recited this rhyme, and they all looked at me as if I was crazy—which, okay, might be true, but not because of this rhyme.)

    Fudge, fudge, call the judge,
    Momma’s having a baby.
    It ain’t a girl,
    It ain’t a boy,
    It’s just an ordinary baby.

  1038. Pseudo3D
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#1035): I saw it yesterday! It was great, though I wish they did the hallucination sequence when Haddock thinks Tintin is a bottle of liquor and tries to use a corkscrew on his head. The characterization was changed dramatically: Sakharine went from a boat collector who managed to buy a boat like Tintin’s (but was stolen from him by the real antagonists) to the main antagonist, Omar Ben Salaad, conversely, went from the main antagonist to a boat collector who has a boat like Tintin’s. Barnaby was a spy for the Bird Brothers to one for the police (and he survived in the original), etc.

  1039. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 29th, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#1033): You have my profoundest sympathies and condolences. Moving is Not. Pleasant.

  1040. Shrug
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#988):

    I assumed Kelly was using an Etch-a-Sketch.

  1041. Shrug
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1000): \

    So, did it unlock the secret Comics Curmudgeon Easter Egg?

  1042. Shrug
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#1035):

    I’m waiting for the musical remake, when Tintin does the Can-can.

  1043. Chyron HR
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#955): It’s funny how the descriptions of the Pluggers cast rapidly taper off from a paragraph, to a sentence, to a two-word job description. If the list was any longer, it would probably go on to simply describe characters as “person”, “carbon-based” and finally, “it.”

  1044. Peanut Gallery
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    MT – “I’m so angry, I’ve drawn angry eyebrows on my face with a Sharpie!”

  1045. Peanut Gallery
    December 29th, 2011 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1000): You did it! Of course, you’re going for comment number 5472 tomorrow, right?

  1046. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#1043): …did it unlock the secret Comics Curmudgeon Easter Egg?

    It was great! A new window opened, and I was at Uncle Lumpy’s top secret website, where he stashes all the spam he’s collected over the years!

    I had my choice of great shoes, headgear, whoopee drugs, offers to write my thesis or dissertation, super Thai go-go boys, and a chance to open my own Spam business (what a Treet!).

    I was especially intrigued by an offer to clean my carpets in San Mateo, CA. I thought it would cheer me up: California cleaning, on such a winter’s day.

    There was so much more, and it was a tough choice, but in the end I decided to have a new garage door installed in Ankara, Turkey.

    Does any Mudge know of a house for sale there?

  1047. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#1047): I’ll have to google the number first…

  1048. Peanut Gallery
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#1033): To compensate, don’t move all day tomorrow.

  1049. commodorejohn
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#1040): I have to confess that I haven’t actually read the particular books the movie’s based on since years ago when my dad read them to me (yes, my dad is awesome,) and “catch up on Tintin” is one of those things that’s been on my to-do list for way too long. So I can’t make criticisms about specific accuracy, but I do have to say I think it captured the tone of the comics pretty well – I’m mighty impressed that they played the whole thing so straight, especially the elaborate, more-than-slightly-improbable chase sequences.

  1050. Peanut Gallery
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1039):
    Wrap it up in tissue paper,
    Send it down the elevator.

    The fudge, please, not the baby.

    Actually, I never heard that one before, I just looked it up. But this other jump-rope rhyme, which I never knew until adulthood but heard somewhere or other within the past few years, keeps popping into my head on the least provocation:

    Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve been thinkin’
    What the heck have you been drinkin’?
    Looks like water, tastes like wine
    Oh my gosh it’s turpentine!

  1051. Liam
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    A3G-We have George Clooney’s father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate on the list.

    MW-In all the excitement of Mary and the waitress trying to stall someone we forgot the most important thing did Mary ever get her sweater back.

  1052. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 29th, 2011 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1048): I’m concerned that you’ve been misled by a fake site; any genuine locked, secret Comics-Curmudgeon easter egg has liquor inside it.

  1053. Uncle Lumpy
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1048):

    It was great! A new window opened, and I was at Uncle Lumpy’s top secret website …

    Damn! I was sure I shut that thing down back in November ’08!

  1054. Poteet
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#1007): Thanks — I forgot that the villainous wolves are gonna get blamed for this along with everything else. They stole the memory card, they swiped some of the gold from the mine, they attacked poor muzzled Honey, they pinned that hideous bun on the head of Mother McQueen, and worst of all, they failed to kill Kelly when they had the chance.

  1055. Poteet
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#1033): Deepest sympathies. May your ordeal end soon if it hasn’t already.

  1056. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1054): Well, there was some Grey Goose Band Vodka, but I’m a Milford fan (check my new tattoo!). I’ve got Milford Band candy, a Milford Band turkey, and ol’ Wildcat has promised us some Milford Band Bourbon, once he gets rid of that burke Coach Thorp. Should I reserve you some?

    Milford will trounce Grey Goose H.S. in the next Battle of the Bands, just you wait!

  1057. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 29th, 2011 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#1055):

    Damn! I was sure I shut that thing down back in November ’08!

    Yeah, but you forgot to lock the old #1000th comment portal, didn’t you? Ha ha ha! I raise my magic Golden Goose Band above my head, and chant: “By the Power of Grey Goose Vodka. I have the Power!

    See you in Ankara, sucker!

  1058. Droopy Says
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @Chyron HR (#1045): Another funny thing about that Pluggers page: if the elephant character was stubborn about not using new technology, then the other Pluggers must have been okay with staying current. Was there really a time when Pluggers didn’t hate the world around them?

  1059. Mark B
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Poem for Rusty:

    Kelly Welly bugged a bear
    Kelly Welly didn’t care
    Kelly Welly was pretty smelly, really

  1060. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1059): Mine! All mine! With the Garage Door of Ankara in my control, I am the Master TIME LUSH! Start my theme music!

    Now, my Power is so great it can only be used for Good, or Evil!

    Plenty of time for that later, first a drink, and then to find Barney Google! With my new power, and his Goo Goo Googlies, no bar, gin mill, saloon, alehouse, grogshop, rathskeller, or blind pig will be safe from us.

    But, now, I grow somniculous.

  1061. FOOBed again
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#1060): Also, Pluggers apparently had a Web page way back in 1996, when probably not all or even most strips had pages. Not very Pluggerlike, at least by current Pluggers standards. ;)

  1062. FOOBed again
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#1033): Yuck. Hope it’s finished soon.

  1063. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1028): Errrghhh. Let me tell you, Giella had better not ruin my life by trying to depict George Clooney. It makes me very happy that just the thought of George makes me all warm and melty inside; if Giella converts him to one of his Generic Males, I am going to use April’s firearm to steal his memory card—permanently.

    You might want to save your vitriol (and bullets!) for Frank Bolle. Because Bolle is the artist on Apt. 3-G — not Joe Giella. Giella is the artist on Mary Worth.

  1064. Faster than a Speeding Bullet
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    Josh: Cut your vacation and return home! These comments are not up to Mudge standards!

  1065. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    Flatulent squirrel:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlqV75RoflM&feature=related

    (This one’s for queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando!)

  1066. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois — You know a dance is formal when even the nuns are required to wear a tie and cummerbund!

  1067. seismic-2
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#840): And let’s not forget Mary Tyler Moore and (for a very short time) Anne Francis as Honey West.

    Indeed let’s not, since today (Thursday, Dec 29) is in fact Mary Tyler Moore’s 75th birthday. (Anne Francis, sadly, was the first “celebrity death” of 2011, having passed away on Jan 2.)

  1068. Droopy Says
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker of Assguard: Any Norse goddess who married Thor would kick her attacker’s ass and not moon over his safety. Thor, take the clue, once again Loki has made you the butt of a joke!

    Mock Trail: I know tomorrow will be a let-down, and KWJB will be glad that a real journalist has the pictures, but until then I’m going to imagine that the stolen pictures show Trail having sex with Johnny Lamotte eating pancakes served by a woman who is not Cherry.

    Curtis: Imagine the Nelik blank wearing a big stupid asshat. That way you can pretend Billingsley knows Curtis must go.

    Crankshat: Sorry, your waitress is busy stalling a kidnapper.

    Mary Worthless: Sorry, your waitress is busy ignoring an obnoxious creep and his pathetic kin.

  1069. Droopy Says
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    Well, that worked real well. Insert a slash-strike after “Lamotte.”

  1070. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:55 am [Reply]

  1071. Uncle Lumpy
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:36 am [Reply]

  1072. Minnie
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:52 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#8):
    I grew up with the Broons and Oor Wullie too! My grandparents subscribed to the Sunday Post, which ran both the strips. Dudley Watkins was still doing the strips when I was young. The brogue was even thicker back then, but I understood what it said in the balloons because that’s how my grandparents spoke.

  1073. Minnie
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:00 am [Reply]

    Fudge, fudge, Tell the judge,
    Mama’s got a newborn baby.
    Wrap it up in tissue paper, throw it on the elevator;
    First floor, stop!
    Second floor, stop!
    Third floor, turn around,
    Touch the ground,
    Get outta this town!
    Skipping-rope chant, Vancouver, Canada circa 1947

  1074. Droopy Says
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#1073): Thank you, Uncle Lumpy!

  1075. Dale
    December 30th, 2011 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    Seems like the e-mailed photos would still exist.

    Isn’t the issue whether Kelly gets to run a story WITH the location of the valley?
    Editor Bill? Editor Bill?

    I have always thought the real attraction would be GOLD.
    How many people would show up to see a cave and a circus bear?

  1076. Liam
    December 30th, 2011 at 6:22 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-The wait staff is hiding in the kitchen because an old woman believes that a kidnapper and his kidnappe are there.

    MT-For someone who just had her pictures stolen from her Kelly is rather glib about it. I am betting there are some nude self portraits of her on the memory card.

    MW-We’ve been asking the same question.

    JP-Person of interest like a friend not a person of interest like I want to stick my dick inside.

    RMMD-Looks like Niki just go the “Let’s be friends” speech.

  1077. Mr. O'Malley
    December 30th, 2011 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    Jump rope rhyme from the little girls who visited the house next door 20 years ago:

    Ooh! Ah! I lost my bra!
    Left it in my boyfriend’s car!

  1078. Mr. O'Malley
    December 30th, 2011 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    @Minnie (#1074): I didn’t grow up with the Broons and Oor Wullie, but I went through a ton of borrowed anthologies years later. These were really well-crafted strips. It’s too bad you can’t get them on-line.

    Along the same lines, here’s Limmy freaking out about a mysteriously materializing pen. (“Nae pen, pen!” is the new “Where the ·&^%$#@ is that waitress?”)

  1079. wanders
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    MW: McThuggy finally realizes why the “Good Eats” Diner’s marketing slogan is “Where the *&^%$#@ is that waitress?”

  1080. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Bizarro — “As your doctor, I’m telling you to cut down. That’s why I’m writing you a prescription for a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” (NSFBG!)

  1081. Écureuil Écumant
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FW: At last Batiuk’s characters receive the gift of situational awareness. Appropriately, they first bring it to bear on their creator.

    DTM: Not only that, but ever since Grampa’s hip replacement it’s a lot easier to plant your Timber in his scrote.

    Love Is: Maybe not so rewarding when he’s got lipstick smudges on his face and you’re not wearing lipstick.

    Zits: Yeah, he gets the buh-buh-buh-buh perspective. We, the fourth-wall observers, are treated to the dangling dugs.

    S-M: Shrink, villains, at the sight of Thor and his Polaroid SX-70 at the ready. Front-page busted. Score another victory for the retro-paparazzi.

    MW: While the angst thickens in the basement of the Texas Book Depository, the child predator begins to grow piqued at his limited vocabulary of special punctuation characters.

    Pibgorn: I’m not 100% sure they even had Wings seven years ago. Lady Clairol they definitely had — and per the old joke, Pib, if you’re gonna use it on your Schnauzer, dilute it by half and only leave it on for five minutes.

    Curtis: Featuring the MW weltanschauung in Panel 1, a guest appearance by Reeky Rat in the middle two, and an embarrassing intrusion on Kelly and Honey’s gold-mine love shaft rendezvous in the last. Bringin’ the Kwanzaa Crazy™.

  1082. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Zits: Could Zits be on such a short cycle that they can make fun of 9CL’s current butt obsessed storyline, or is this just a coincidence?

  1083. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: I don’t understand teh logistics of this. How come they had to come up with a fictional artist in “Queen Bee” but they can use a real celebrity now? Do they need Clooney’s permission to use his name like this, or is it automatically considered satire since Margo said it (more Clooney, Mule!)

  1084. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Bah, bolding error.

  1085. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Well at least it didn’t stick to the whole page like it has been.

    YesterCurtis: If he’s so “plain” nobody will talk to him, how did he hear about this woman? But more importantly, to paraphrase Harry Chapin, what’s the woman and her six children going to do for water tomorrow? Besides the obvious, I mean, which is to say walk a mile like they’ve done every day before and every day since, and really not a particularly long journey for most people in the third world.

  1086. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MT: Again, it is inconceivable that a professional photographer, or even an enthusiastic amateur, didn’t take more than one memory stick worth of pictures in what had to amount to at least two days. Mark stole the stick out of her camera, which admittedly might have had some of the best shots… but if she didn’t take several thousand eight by ten glossy photographs with a paragraph on the back of each one, she’s nothing like every serious camerajock I’ve ever known.

  1087. Swordsmith
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    FW: Since I don’t believe Bautik is subtle enough to be implying that Mark Twain Teacher is ignorant, I infer that Bautik is.

  1088. Little Guy
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Faster than a Speeding Bullet (#1066): Well, to be fair, I’ve gone through last year’s comments, if only to get a sense of the collective outrage of the Death of the Turd, and we were past 1600 by the time Josh returned. So, you have a point.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#1083), Curtis:: Beat me to the Kelly Welly/Secret Mine reference, and the rest of the observations are spot on.

    JP: On the one hand, Randy wasn’t being an asshole to April by not showing the file. On the other, how do we know the shooter was a woman? Hmmm….?

    And I will piss my pants in glee if April makes references to her home and family in Southern Ontario…..

    Zits: Thank you for your resume, but Mister Manley has the position filled. You may want to try 9CL or Pibgorn.

    @seismic-2 (#1069): One of the Cameos That Should Have Been, in my opinion, would have been an appearance by Anne Francis on “Veronica Mars”.

  1089. Little Guy
    December 30th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Lio: And you were expecting…..?

  1090. gleeb
    December 30th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: He’s not just incompetent, he’s irascible! Hee, hee!

  1091. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Nancy — A few more strokes of the keyboard* will enable Aunt Fritzi to send both herself and her villanelle to the 2012 Doctor Who Poetry Slam on Skaro.

    *The Ritz family computer doubles as a transmat station!

  1092. Horace Broon
    December 30th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Okay, the chaos of Christmas is over, the chaos of Hogmanay is yet to come and my sister has taken her Wii home, so I can stop playing Spider-Man: The Edge of Time (which involves surprisingly little TV-watching and whining) and catch up on the comics.

    ASM Speaking of which, it’s another exciting opertunity for Peter to be upstaged by another superhero. And then whine about it.

    A3G: Ha! LuAnn’s news is going to be that she dumped her creepy controlling fiance without ever noticing how creepy and controlling he was! LuAnn’s a total downer! (Oh, and well done on absolutely nothing happening over Christmas where people might miss it.)

    DT: Nice of Dick to aknowledge that they were halfway through a completely unrelated storyline.

    Phantom: At last, the Ghost-Who-Takes-His-Sweet-Time is getting to the Ten Tigers lair. Again, kudos on not having anything happen while people aren’t reading the comics.

    MT: And again. Although someone should explain to Jackelrod that he didn’t need to start in October…

  1093. Mibbitmaker
    December 30th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa ’11-12
    12/30

    PANEL 1
    JOEL (Peter Lorre voice): “Watched, he says!”
    SERVO: “Of course you’re being watched! You’re in a comic strip! With readers!!!”

    PANEL 2
    JOEL: “Eeeewwww!”
    CROW: “Honestly, we can’t take that rodent anywhere!”

    PANEL 3
    SERVO: “Gorgeous like a used hankie!”
    CROW: “Suddenly, we were in a John Kricfalusi cartoon.”

    PANEL 4:
    SERVO: “Stacks of Kleenex!”
    JOEL: “The other side of the tunnel!”
    CROW: “Aldo — ALIVE!”
    SERVO: “A scene from Cave Dwellers!”
    CROW: “WOLVES!”
    JOEL: “Jeff Zucker’s evil hideout!”
    SERVO: “The missing Watergate tapes!”
    CROW: “Tom Batiuk’s missing sense of whimsy!”
    SERVO: “Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location!”
    CROW: “White paint! Nelik rolls in it to look that way.”
    SERVO: “OxyClean!”
    JOEL: “Dennis actually menacing people!”
    SERVO: “Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incor-por-rateeed!”
    CROW: “A goat in clown make-up!”
    SERVO: “Really? –NAH!”
    JOEL: “Well, that would be startling!”

  1094. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    for True Fable

    Red Panda squee will melt your brain.

    Where information on licorice can be found.

    Hey, ladies

  1095. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Bizarro: NSFBG

    Mudgeons – watching out for each other.

  1096. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    AD: Fat Broad needs to watch more MLP:FiM

    HotC: nice comeback, Dean.

    IP: burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn.

    NS: Wiley forgot to include clowns. Is mimes close enough for Baka Gaijin?

    Zits: Dat AZZ!! (editor on vacation for this one. srsly.)

    Bizarro: NSFBG!!!!!

    Pluggers: I can relate. the local paper had someone trying to offload a “Rottnard”

    RwO: so THAT is how that works!!

    SF: Proof that even a 5 year old can do better than Reply All.

  1097. Little Guy
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Today’s 9 Chickweed Lane brought to you by Discount Dance Supply and the American Ballet Theatre.

  1098. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

  1099. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1093): Eh, I probably should leave poetry to the poetry experts. Because the first and third lines in the first stanza of a proper villanelle are “rhyming refrains that alternate as the third line in each successive stanza and form a couplet at the close.” (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

  1100. Baka Gaijin
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#1097): Too late. I read the comics before I came here, much to my detriment. On the other hand, now I’ve learned a clownly weakness. I’ll start up a “Custard Pie of the Month” with complimentary bottle of statins. Except the statins will really be peppermint Pez. Mwuah ha ha ha!

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#1098): Mimes? Naah, they’ve got the creepy going on but you can usually kick ‘em in the balls and run before they get out of their invisible boxes.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1082): Actually that was the best Mary Tyler Moore Show episode, and probably one of the top 2 or 3 programs on television ever. No clown was shown yet one died in a gruesome, painful, and hilarious manner. Until they start televising clown executions, this episode will have to do. I’m waiting for Fox’s ratings to decline enough…

  1101. UncleJeff
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Cow and Boy: It’s funny because the punch line requires you to think of a boy taking a shit.

    Wizard of Id: It’s funny because all women are gold-digging whores.

    The Pirahna Club: It’s funny because all hippies are dirty and stupid.

    ReFOOB: It’s funny because Rod….err, John….is a worthless, irresponsible drunk.

  1102. Mibbitmaker
    December 30th, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Glibporn: Pathelogically forgetting what? That a naked woman with no wings does nothing to save him from anything? What a beefwit he is!
    Incidentally, that is.

    MT: “Mark, you cruelly and spitefully sabotaged my hard (if foolish) work on this story, by theft? HAHAHA — that’s one on me!”
    Kelly’s alot of things, but….. doormat?

    ReFOOB: Oh, that RodJohn! — I mean, JohnRod!

    FW: “Funny you should say ‘punch’…”

    JP: She’d be a person of interest in ANY case! Mrowr, rowr!
    …..sorry………

    MW: “This place is a pain in the lack of neck!”

    Stone Soup: Those two are so much in love, their hands melded together into one!

  1103. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Pluggers… dislike “designer” dogs (a cross between two purebred dogs), but have no problem with a dog marrying a chicken.

  1104. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#1102): Apparently, there are clown specialists in the doctor biz. Perhaps they can be bribed…

  1105. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

  1106. Sparkle Plenty
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    MT: This is the way the arc ends? Not with a bang but a whimper?

  1107. bats :[
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#1028): I have a screen capture of George Clooney AND his bare butt from the film Solaris, if you’re interested. Call me.

  1108. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    And happy birthday, Eliza Dushku!

  1109. TheDiva
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Be patient; the waitstaff is drawing lots to determine what unfortunate soul will be forced to serve you. Even the mandatory 15% gratuity on tables of six or more isn’t enough compensation for that kind of torture.

    Curtis: Warthogs of little patience and hygienically challenged rodents. And that’s what Kwanzaa is all about, Curtis Wilkins.

    FW: Don’t look so insulted, Bull. You coach the football team and they’re a bunch of failures, you coach the basketball team and they’re a bunch of failures. I’m just saying it’s time to look at the common denominator in the problem…

    Luann: Proof that the strip’s protagonists were always self-absorbed and hateful.

    MT: “Thank you so much for putting me in my place, Mark! Let me know if I can give you more opportunities to belittle and humiliate me!”

    MW: The cops had better hurry–Obvious Evilguy is getting impatient and Emily is rapidly becoming the Dutchess’ pig-baby from Alice in Wonderland!

    SM: Thing is, if Peter were in his Spider-Man costume the thug would have had the exact same reaction.

  1110. Old School Allie Cat
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    I was remembering back to Hanukhrismakwaanza from a few years ago, where we hit 1000 posts and really had to stretch to do it. And it was a BIG DEAL.

    Here, we hit 1000 before NYE, and I daresay most of them are related to actual comic snark.

    Go, us!

  1111. Liam
    December 30th, 2011 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    MW-I know a way to stall them. You can take their orders. I don’t think they came in just for a free bowl of ice cream.

    Love Is-At least the smudges aren’t lower.

  1112. Ned Ryerson
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: Where the *&^%$#@ is that waitress? I’ve been nursing this bottle of Vitalis for an hour!

  1113. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Dick – Oh yeah, Spike Smith’s son changed his name to Smythe, and he’s a director.

    love is… …finding out he’s been seeing somebody with lips!

    Mark – “Ha ha! Mark did it to me again! Some day I’m gonna make him touch my bobo.” I guess a grudge is too deep an emotion for Kelly Welly to experience, at least while she’s doing something else, like talking on the phone (which, to be fair, is two things).

  1114. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Nancy – Note to self: following on previous dispensations — freedom from reading Cathy and Foob or any Dingburg strip — add to list any Nancy strip where Aunt Fritzi is starting to wax poetic. Consider the last eight words of that optional.

    Non Seq – To paraphrase what the late great Johnny Carson once said about Don Rickles, Wiley just breaks me up with his joke.

    Pluggers only read ‘singles’ ads so they can get upset over words they don’t know.

  1115. KreatureFeatures
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    I, like Swordsmith, do not appreciate Batuik absconding with the iconic image of Mark Twain to give instant credibility to a newly-introduced character. Make the character witty, if you can. But don’t use a visual shortcut for wit, and then run out of gas when you get to the punchline.

  1116. Islamorada Girl
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh, for god’s sake, Mary, just go over there and stun that huge kidnapper into helplessness with a barrage of Worthian platitudes!

  1117. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

  1118. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Kelly Welly might be a temptress and a bumbler, and sure, she might have a particularly nasty independent streak—but at least when confronted by masculine sabotage authority, she acquiesces just as a good little woman should.

    ((seethe))

  1119. Ned Ryerson
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1116): Aunt Frizzy is starting to wax her what?! Oh, nevermind.

  1120. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#1109): IF?

    Put the words “George Clooney” and “bare” and “butt” and “capture” together, and my little ears just perk right up!

  1121. Trillian
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#955): Wait–Pluggers once had a lawyer? And included management types? And Sheila was an exercise instructor? I thought that such things as a four-year college degree or regular exercise not involving a snow shovel would pretty much DQ you from Pluggerhood. WTF is a Plugger anyway?

  1122. Trillian
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1119): Damn astigmatism! I thought you wanted to give Swordsmith cancer. I was about to tell you to back off on the Funky Winkerbean. I should just go put my glasses on.

  1123. commodorejohn
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Okay, did Margo and Tommie call this meeting just to remind Luann that she sucks at life? Because…Tommie? Seriously!? Glass houses, girl, glass houses.

    A&J – Aww. *sniff* Jimmy Johnson, thank you for being awesome.

    Curtis – Is this a Curtis/Pearls Before Swine crossover? Oh man, this can only improve things. [*]

    DT – ”   Tube”? I see Google has begun to phase out the individual existence of its properties, as it strives to bring the entire Internet under its control and become one homogenous mass in which Names are abolished and all is Google.

    GT – “Didn’t get one in the Marines, not in the market now. But check out this cool prop hand I bought!”

    JP – “Huh? Sorry, I was just artfully arranging my hair for the last panel there. Could you say that again?”

    Mandrake – The cows took off after a 20-minute guitar solo? Stupid cows, staying for just the one part and then ignoring all the rest. This music wasn’t written to be a three-minute radio hit, God dammit!

    MT – WHAT.

    MW – Mary and the waitress run through every possible thing that could go wrong in this situation, while ignoring the thing that’s actually beginning to go wrong right there in the actual situation itself. Good job, ladies.

    Pluggers – Pluggers sneer at miscegenation.

    RMMD – Don’t look so friggin’ enthusiastic, June. People might wonder. (Oops, too late.)

    SF – *snicker*

    SM – No, that’s a Norse god from space. Peter‘s the clown.

  1124. Ned Ryerson
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    so far we have:

    Gruffy McKidnapper
    Stocky McKidnapper
    Grumpy McNabster
    Surly McKidnapper
    Grumpy McBeerguzzler

    and let me add:

    Stubbly McRoidrage

  1125. Spotts1701
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sparkle Plenty (#1108): Eh, nothing new. We must maintain status quo ad nauseum, or else they would have to rely on more than Elrod’s leftover clip art. And at that point, all of reality would collapse. Wouldn’t want that, would we?

    JP: Generally, Jim, detectives don’t tell the people they suspect of crimes that they suspect them of crimes unless they’re about to slap the cuffs on. Now April knows to spike the barrel of her .22 before dropping it off the end of the pier or into a cement mixer.

  1126. Spotts1701
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#1126): What, no Bob Johnson?

  1127. Trillian
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Why are the timestamps on this site so late, anyway? Is this site based in Nova Scotia?

    Crankshaft: Stop blaming the waitstaff and check the calendar. You guys are the ones who showed up for the New Year’s Eve party on the 30th.

    Incidentally, mystery solved…it is (going to be) 2012 in Crankshaft. That means the ball is dropping on ’22 in FW, right?

    Zits: Black and white in my local paper, and I kinda wish the artist had added a bit of zip-a-tone shading to Sara’s pants.

    Luann: “No, I’ll save it. It’ll be the hit of the 2011 Ugly Christmas Sweater party, and by then, I’ll be too old to care.”

  1128. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Trillian (#1123): WTF is a Plugger anyway?
    The definitions sometimes vary, but here’s what I’ve gleaned over the years:
    You may be a plugger if you are young, old, or in between.
    You may be a plugger if you metabolize oxygen.
    You may be a plugger if you have mass.
    You may be a plugger if you exist.

  1129. Liam
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    MT-Thank you Mark for showing me where a woman’s place is.

  1130. Ed Dravecky
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    All comic strips could be improved by the addition of one of the crocs from Pearls Before Swine. Any character dumber than they are, they eat. On a related note, Apartment 3-G will now be known as Margo and The Croc while the entire cast of Beetle Bailey (except Miss Buxley) will be replaced with a squad of crocs led by Guard Duck.

  1131. Shrug
    December 30th, 2011 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    JUDGE PARKER: April should be flattered that she IS a “person of interest” — usually this strip is not interested in anyone who is not at least a millionaire (nor do they genrally consider such pond scum “persons”).

    Meanwhile in FAMILY CIRCUS Dolly is gently trying to break it to Daddy that Mommy is passed out dead drunk on the front lawn again.

  1132. Der Schnärkïnätör
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Love is…- Black lipstick? Is it Halloween time already?

  1133. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1130): One thing a Plugger doesn’t do is snark on the comics.

    So ya’ll are safe.

  1134. Comcis Fan
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Not he most subtle erection and vagina lips I’ve seen on the funny pages.

  1135. Comcis Fan
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MW: It seems that the cuss-word-substitute character tool usually employs the same number of characters as the letters in the replaced word. So what seven-letter word is Mr. Hulking Disheveled Violent Man using? Crapola? That probably would qualify as a cuss word in Santa Royale.

  1136. Pseudo3D
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    MT – Huh???

    MW – We get the first actual hint that the big guy, may, in fact, be a bad guy.

    Curtis – AND SO IT BEGINS.

    JP – Don’t get your hopes up, everyone. April should be carted off to jail, but she’s a Rich Protagonist™, and no harm will come to her, right?

    Pluggers – Hey! This one is TRUE, if only the people reading it weren’t animals themselves!

    Zits – Turning into 9CL faster than you can say “perv”

    9CL – So, I guess they switched uniforms to the Cignet brand?

  1137. Baka Gaijin
    December 30th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1119): What? Hmmm. Gotta think about that.

    @Comcis Fan (#1137): The word is “shinola,” as in “she wouldn’t know ‘shit’ from ‘shinola.’” Sort of a transitive cuss word. Drinking Vitalis will do that to you.

  1138. Poteet
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    MT — Drugs might explain Kelly’s reaction, but which one(s)?

  1139. Spotts1701
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#1140): Ludes. Lots of ludes.

  1140. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: According to Dean Booth’s Cursicons, Drinko deVitalis is cursing the word CP?LAKO.
    There is no “^” is Dean’s list.

    Near as I can tell, this translates to this.

  1141. seismic-2
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    MT: For a while there I was worried that Mark would refuse to disclose the location of Goldbirdbandsville, and Bill Ellis would therefore reject the story and refuse to pay Mark for it or for his expenses. But now it turns out that he couldn’t have published it anyway, since that stupid Kelly lost the photos, so Bill will cheerfully pay Mark for the unpublished manuscript and sign off on his expenses. Kelly of course will be stuck with paying for her own vacation in Canada (and buying a new memory chip), and she will still owe Bill Ellis that story about how women don’t belong in the wilderness. At least now she is in a better position to understand a whole bunch of reasons why they don’t, so all is well in the Jackelrodverse!

    RMMD: I love that expression on Little Sarah’s face, as she realizes that the guy who cleans her mother’s garage is a total idiot.

  1142. Ned Ryerson
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Sippy McWildroot!

  1143. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS 1560 days (hexadecimal) since Barney Google last appeared. That’s 1010101100000 in base 2, of course, and for the intergalactic cephalopods among us, 12540 in octal.

    Pro-tip: You may wish to have a pencil and paper handy for doing these conversions with your slide rule, to keep track of intermediate results.

  1144. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1145): Nehemiah Scudder works the slide rule so we don’t have to!

  1145. UncleJeff
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Safe Havens: Two yuletide births and neither involves the saintly virgin Samantha.

    MW: Magilla McSwarthy seems to be getting bigger and meaner in each strip. it’s about time Mary pokes him with a platitude.

  1146. Little Guy
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#1138) Curtis: “There is a hole in your mine….”

  1147. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1130):

    You may be a plugger if you are young, old, or in between.
    You may be a plugger if you metabolize oxygen.
    You may be a plugger if you have mass.
    You may be a plugger if you exist.

    I may, therefore, infer that unicorns, the His Majesty the present King of France, and Bertrand Russell’s teapot are not pluggers. Good to know.

    Bo’s’un Higgs, USN, might be a plugger, but what about Higg’s Boson?

  1148. Sequitur
    December 30th, 2011 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    A web site for queek just in the off chance he doesn’t already use it.

  1149. Baka Gaijin
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#1146): Darn you! You beat me to it!

    @UncleJeff (#1147): Magilla McSwarthy ordered the fast-acting Anabolic Steriod Colada. Roid rage ensues.

  1150. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @brendancalling (#28): Funky’s dad is Crankshaft from the future. However, Crankshaft himself is Thirsty Thurston’s son by Adam’s first wife, Lilith.

    @Ned Ryerson (#1114): Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. *&^%$#@ is a term Karen Moy borrowed from her friend and mentor Mort Walker. It’s derived from the original Bin’nt himaar — which is literally “daughter of a donkey” in Arabic.

  1151. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#801) said: “Curtis: I’m starting to read his name as “Neelix”

    That’s understandable. Neelix was bland and got no respect. (Except from Kes, who was even blander.)

  1152. seismic-2
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#1149): Bo’s’un Higgs, USN, might be a plugger, but what about Higg’s Boson?

    Note that rule 3 says you may be a Plugger if you have mass, but it does not say that you may be a Plugger if you cause mass. Ergo, Higg’s Boson is likely not a Plugger, but Higg’s Bozo (NSFBG) likely is.

  1153. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 30th, 2011 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Trillian (#1129) said: “Why are the timestamps on this site so late, anyway? Is this site based in Nova Scotia?”

    Actually, it’s because Josh keeps his many offshore liquor cabinets in the Lesser Antilles.

  1154. Dale
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    I have no idea how many pictures you can get on a memory stick,
    but it’s hard to believe Kelly wouldn’t have some kind of backup system.

    I don’t think Mark stole the thing.

    Remember, Kelly did not go on this trip as Mark’s photographer.
    She tracked him down on her own personal glory hunt.

    Until she accused Mark, I expected her to ask him for some of his pictures
    for her story.
    Now, maybe he’ll offer some if she promises not to reveal the location.

  1155. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#1148): Oh! Oh! Babylon Five! From the first season! When it still had the real captain!

    Nicely done.

  1156. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Can’t bring myself to blame Jeremy here. My first thought was “The female baboon presents to the male, showing that she is fertile and ready to mate.”

    MT: What we’re seeing is of course Mark’s fantasy about what Kelly will say. In real life she’ll send a hard – if probably futile- kick into his testicular regions and promise to rip out his intestines if he ever so much as looks at her camera again.

    MW: He’s not really swearing in front of the kid. He sincerely wants to know where the 8765432 the waitress is, but he’s leaning on the shift key.

    S-M: We’d all be a little intimidated by a bodybuilder who spends a lot of time at Renfests, wouldn’t we?

    OBH: Bravo.

    Blondie: Extra points for making Blondie’s eyes frozen wide in horror. Working for Dithers even causes PTSD by proxy.

    BB: Well, in Beetle’s case it’s probably postcoital bliss, so the comparison is unfair.

    Momma: Move along folks, nothing to see here.

    Curtis: Ah, I see how it’s going to unfold now. The featureless blob will save Africa from the bubonic plague. The villagers who had been so cruel to him before will hold a festival in his honor. Before or after stoning him, I’m not sure.

    A3G: If the words “You’re amazing, Margo” sound familiar, it’s because Margo cries them out every time she has an orgasm.

  1157. Old School Allie Cat
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Trillian (#1129):

    Oh, well – I don’t think Luann’s vintage sweaters would fit her anymore.

    In the seventeen years she’s been a teenager, she’s gotten boobs.

    Not like Sophie-grade TeenRack ™, but respectable nonetheless.

    In the seventeen years since that strip, I’ve gotten boobs, graduated college, worked at seven different companies, buried a grandparent, got married, moved to a new city, bought a house… I could go on, but I won’t.

    So, WTG, Luann!

  1158. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    MT: About this whole “location” thing. First, Mark is going to have to convince the editor to run a story about an idyllic valley without disclosing the location. If he manages to do this, then it doesn’t matter whether Kelly gives the location or not, because the editor can simply remove it.

    Second, what’s the big deal with the pictures? They’re going to show trees, and animals, and a Mountie. How is anyone going to determine the location from that?

  1159. Mark B
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#1160): Many modern devices put GPS information into the photo data. The catch is that it’s more common for cell phone cameras than it is for standalone digital cameras since most don’t have a GPS chip. But many professional cameras have at least the capability for connection to a GPS device, if not a build in chip. But since Kelly’s camera looked like a 60s instamatic, it’s probably a moot point.

  1160. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#1126): Stubbles McPottymouth?

  1161. Baka Gaijin
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    I gotta call bullshit on Mark Trail. Mark knows as much about digital cameras as he does the human female vagina.

    Arlo and Janis can go a few ways from that last panel. A pair of women bonding over a cup of General Foods International Coffee, a hot lesbian kiss, or a three-way with the son watching and learning.

    I could have sworn that Pluggers originally had a different speech bubble, something about a used car now costing more than his first house or that they’re having a sale on daily pill organizers at the WalMart or that nothing good ever happened after 1972.

    Kudos to Pooch Cafe and Frazz. Boo to Bizarro.

  1162. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#1115):

    Dick – Oh yeah, Spike Smith’s son changed his name to Smythe, and he’s a director.

    Nice one, sir.

  1163. Mark B
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    The only explanation for Kelly’s complacency about Mark stealing her memory card is that she copied it to her laptop already, and isn’t really all that hacked about losing a $20 memory card. Her data is safe. Either that, or she got the special memory card with a wireless connector built in and it automatically copied to her laptop as soon as it got in wireless range.

    http://www.eye.fi/

  1164. Shrug
    December 30th, 2011 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#1160):

    “what’s the big deal with the pictures? They’re going to show trees, and animals, and a Mountie. How is anyone going to determine the location from that?”

    You’re forgetting that, in the TRAIL world, Canada is apparently a Very Small Place. All Mark had to do was to go visit the only Canadian community he knew and hey presto, it turned out to be the source of the mystery. (SpiderMan should be so lucky as regards ratio of necessary effort expended vs. dumb luck.)

    And since Canada IS so small a place, it probably has only five or six Mounties covering the whole country, so any of the few hundred real live Canadians who exist (out of which maybe four or five might subscribe to WOODS AND WILDLIFE) would only need to see a photo of Sgt. McGoosebotherer (“I’m with the Band”) to realize Clipart Valley must be “just over there beyond the horizon, eh?”

    Plus which Canada probably has only one band of WOLVES!, villianous or otherwise, so that’s a dead giveaway too.

    (I blame SOUTH PARK, where if I recall correctly the kids were convinced that Canada consisted of a single city. Not that I can imagine Mark ever having watched SOUTH PARK on his black and white Stromberg-Carlson 8-inch-screen television set, unless he ran across it while he was flipping between the three existing channels looking for MARLIN PERKINS’ ZOO PARADE.)

  1165. seismic-2
    December 30th, 2011 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#1160): Second, what’s the big deal with the pictures? They’re going to show trees, and animals, and a Mountie. How is anyone going to determine the location from that?

    Remember, Mark discovered the valley just by knowing that it’s somewhere on the Geese migration path (which covers most of North America), going to Canada and joining up with Johnny Malotte, then asking the first person they met, who happened to be the son of the goose-bander him/herself. So once “Woods and Wildlife” publishes a picture of a tree, you might as well start constructing the new international airport that will be required to handle the influx of Mother McQueen groupies.

  1166. seismic-2
    December 30th, 2011 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#1166): Damn! First New Year’s Resolution: remember to scroll up when hitting “Preview”. Sorry about that!

  1167. P