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Mary = Miss Marple! It’s all so obvious!

Mary Worth, 4/29/12

The greatest thing about Mary Worth … wait, no, scratch that, there are so many great things about Mary Worth, how can I be expected to choose? Ahem, let me start over. One of the great things about Mary Worth is how each storyline begins with limitless possibilities of amazingness. These are generally swept away by a tide of painful boring, but it’s fun to imagine at the beginning where it’ll go, and once in a while you do get an Aldo-style payoff. Anyway, right now I’m hoping that against all odds the Gina-Bobby star-crossed love story will suddenly become an Agatha Christie-style locked room mystery in this mysterious mansion. “Is all this yours?” “Ha-ha … no! It belongs to a friend of ours, mysterious benefactor who specifically requested that we gather a demographically heterogeneous group of people, each with a dark secret that will come out at some point during the proceedings, for a ‘special announcement!’”

Your first clue: this Long Island manse has the Spanish-tile roof that we see everywhere in Mary’s West Coast home. Did she ever really leave California at all? Or did her flight out, which was full of trippy visuals, all happen in her own head? Prepare to have your mind blown at the shocking conclusion! Or maybe Bobby and Gina will just announce their engagement at their friend’s house and then Mary will go back home, that seems more likely.

Marvin, 4/29/12

Whatever you think about Marvin’s relentless and repulsive obsessions, you have to credit the strip for using the entire space the Sunday format provides to set up this “Marvin enjoys wetting himself” joke.

Hi and Lois, 4/29/12

Hi and Lois sure has been leaning heavily late on the Thirsty and Irma sure do hate each other schtick. That all ends today in spectacular fashion as Irma beats her husband to death with a broom handle, while a horrified Lois watches and tries to figure out how not to be arrested as an accessory to murder.

133 responses to “Mary = Miss Marple! It’s all so obvious!”

  1. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    MW “What a place!”
    “Meh, not so much, Mary. It’s not sprawling, like Blake House. It belongs to a friend. And by friend, I mean the Colombian drug lord who bought the soccer team and runs our lives now.
    But, regardless, you’re underdressed and, frankly, a little ripe. Hurry, go shower, and I hope you’ve brought something appropriate for this mid-afternoon party. Don Carlos doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

    FW Yes, you would, if you’d thought of it first. Smug bastard.

    BG&SS Aunt Sukey the mule is on whose side of the family – Loweezy or Snuffy? Oh, wait, because they’re cousins, I guess it’s both.

  2. Ukulele Ike
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    MT: Coelacanths are SO 1938.

    The Thylacines have possibilities, as long as we don’t let them loose in highly populated neighborhoods (mine). The look sorta mean.

    RMMD: Mmmmmmmmmm….mugga rum.

  3. Citric
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    The best detail in Mary Worth is how the taxi just has CAB written on the side, like it’s a generic brand taxi for people too cheap to spring from the brand name taxis with their seatbelts and trained drivers.

  4. bunivasal
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Holy shit, I think Thirsty is using an e-reader. And it’s not even a part of a hamfisted joke about how abandoning the codex will lead to the spiraling collapse of Western civilization or anything.

  5. Baka Gaijin
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, right, like a Plugger knows what a “router” or a “Nexflix” is. He thinks “streaming” and “downloading” are something you do in the bathroom, not living room.

    Judging by Gina practically pushing her into the shower, Mary Worth should’ve stopped by the feminine hygiene aisle at the Waldbaum’s or invested in super-sealing Depend® undergarments.

  6. Sciencegiant
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Josh. Or the sounds of Lois fapping her dirty rug outdoors while Irma “airs” out Thirsty with a broom handle could be the premise of worst erotica slash fix ever.

  7. Brian Jones
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    MW: “I can’t believe I’m here already! After all, the plane trip from California to New York only took 3 days, which in this universe is as if I opened a door in my apartment and found myself here! I’m disoriented and afraid — can we ratchet things down a bit and maybe have tea for 4 weeks?”

  8. Buck Ripsnort
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: Never has the opening shot of Marvin’s family, w/ their look of The Damned, been more appropriate.

  9. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    I read FLAP FLAP as FAP FAP and immediately pictured one of the male Flagstons (Hi, Chip, Ditto or Dawg) pleasuring themselves in the backyard.

    (This is Rocky Stoneaxe again. Did you get my message, Josh?)

  10. Poteet
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Wow, fewer than a dozen comments and I already see enough potential riders to fill the float. Josh has a hard job ahead this week.

  11. C. Sandy Cyst
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Everything reminds everyone in Marvin of piss and/or shit. Not just obvious things like rain, everything. Like cushions, or salt. They can’t look at anything and not think about defecation, or urine. They probably don’t have mirrors around the house, because they can only see their faces reflected in a coffee-coloured pool of liquid fecal matter.

  12. Gal Friday
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @bunivasal (#4):

    Ack! You’re right! and that is so wrong.

    Marvin–please make it stop.

  13. Poteet
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    MW — I’ve never seen a Spanish-tile roof east of the Mississippi and north of Tennessee, but probably I’ve just led a sheltered life.

  14. Horace Broon
    April 29th, 2012 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Crank: The punchline is actually mildly amusing, but jeez, why ask “What have you got in the way of chocolate?” if you’re just going to ask for a plain chocolate cone, with a look on your face that suggests you’re affronted your time was wasted by answering your question. What an asshole.

    HtH: Ha! It’s funny because doctors play golf! And also because when they blatantly padded this out to fit the Sunday slot, they kept the line about it being a Wednesday!

    HtH 2: In an example of the sad decline of religion in society, Dr Zook takes Wednesday off as is traditional, but doesn’t spend it making sacrifices to Woden or anything.

    MT “Few species on Earth are as old as some types of jellyfish which date as far back as 800 million years.” I’m reliably informed by biologist Jack Cohen (in The Science of Discworld III: Darwin’s Watch) that this is nonsense. Today’s jellyfish may look the same as an 800 myo jellyfish, but they didn’t stop evolving.

    PV: “When we met your mother was an evil sorceress!” “No, when we met your father was a concussed idiot!” “Whatever, I’m just going to draw this turtle.” Anyone known how medieval divorces work?


    S4th “Or, y’know, Ted Forth’s daughter!”

  15. debussy fields
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    MW—For Christ’s sake, Mary. Someone you know invited you over and you’ve accepted the invitation. Stop touching the side of your face and saying, “I can’t believe I’m here!” It’s not a big fuckin’ deal! “I can’t believe I had an egg for breakfast this morning! I can’t believe my shoes fit again when I put them on today! I can’t believe I’m the subject of one of the world’s most interesting, cutting-edge comic strips!” Well, that last one you SHOULDN’T believe.

  16. Ed Dravecky
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Ha! Hi & Lois is funny because spousal abuse where a woman hits her man is still socially acceptable, somehow.

  17. Poteet
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    MW — Looks to me as if Mary had a few on the plane and is still snockered. That might help account for the giant Gina heads.

  18. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#13): Regardless of the house’s architectural stylings in Mary’s fevered mind the impressive compound should be called Le Maison Medler. Witness her giddiness as she imagines just how many rooms there are in which she can set about meddling.

    A Party? Many Guests? The Lloyd Neck Gold Medal for Meddling is all Mare’s. It will make up for not medalling in the Gold Medal by not meddling in the Gold Medal Cabbie’s life.

  19. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    That house is Mary Worth’s Club Med(dle).

    Except, once she enters the door, she may never ever leave.

  20. sporknpork
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    I strongly suspect Mary doesn’t do the kind of raucous partying a “famous” athlete would be accustomed to, so I hope Mary likes getting coked up and doing body shots off Gina with LMFAO blaring from the sound system.

  21. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    B.C. — Were “Robin Williams is hairy” jokes ever really funny?

    Archie — The fact that Veronica was once romantically involved with both
    Tony Stark and John Philip Sousa proves she has eclectic taste in men.

    (Anonymous a/k/a Rocky Stoneaxe again!)

  22. Droopy Says
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#y250): Droopy Says is effing’ funny, that is why!

    Thanks, bats[: ! Now I have to deal with that letter from Miss Funny, naming me in a paternity suit. Mark Trail is still trying to figure out how that happened.

    April 29th, 2012 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: Even weirder, it turns out Mary is actually Hercule Poirot. Later at the party she suddenly sprouts a neatly waxed moustache and begins speaking with an accent.

  24. pugfuggly
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    MW Well, I guess the comics page was the only place left for the Saw franchise to go. Best of luck, Mary, I hear the master of the house is even more depraved than Nola.

    Marvin The original cut of this strip had Marvin and the dog watching a dump truck depositing its load, but they felt rain and urine was a little more universal.

  25. Yahtzee
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    I’ll be spending the rest of the day trying to square the fact that somehow the last MW panel combines Mary’s arrival and the phrase “get this party started.” I would’ve thought contact between two such irreconcilable things would have, like the combination of matter and antimatter, created a horrific, world-destroying explosion somewhere besides in my brain.

  26. Little Blue Bicycle
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    You know you’re a Plugger when your wife beats you with a broom for being drunk and lazy.

    Thanks to Thirsty Thurston.

  27. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @A Smirch Unheeded (previously, in yesterday’s thread, #224):
    Be glad your case of the D/Ts is so mild. (otherwise, that was a funny line)

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (earlier, down below #234):

    @The REAL Mark Trail (#241 from the Post Down Under ): hmmm…initially I was going to comment on the hidden images, blissfully unaware that I haven’t even had my daily dose of Slylock Fox Juice, which I usually guzzle, with aplomb, on Sundays to see if my brain still works. But, I actually read the Sunday Mark Trail instead….

    Now, it bears mentioning, a friend of mine forced me to read “Jurassic Park”. I forget if it was knife point or what. Anyway, I hated the book and hated the movie. It just isn’t my thing, I guess.

    So, according to Elrodian research, scientists are going to be cloning the largest marsupial known, this Tasmanian Tiger? Is this a wise choice? I mean, are packs on large, wild dog/cats going to be roaming the streets, occasionally spinning around in hilarious Looney Tunes’ fashion prior to killing innocent bystanders?

  28. John C Fremont
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    MW – I guess “estate” sounds classier than “an abandoned ChiChi’s.”

  29. R Felix
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    On [i]Mary Worth[/i]:

    Mary can barely contain her giddiness, and why not? Now that Gina and Bobby both owe her for their happiness, Mary has come to collect in full. “What a place,” she’ll repeat, as she’s cleaning out the linen closets and stuffing her bags with soaps and fine shampoos.

  30. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#17): “Giant Gina Heads” would be a good name for… Hold it. No it wouldn’t.

  31. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#234): I laughed until I replied. I realized I hadn’t really replied and I laughed again.

    “Lenny and Squiggy Conquer Time and Space” isn’t a movie I’ve seen but boy how obscure a movie reference that visual pun is.

    You’d think that the creator of the visual would have made one about something easier to get, like maybe one about…oh…wait a second…

    hunh….whattayaknow….I guess it isn’t a visual pun about a “Lenny and Squiggy” movie. In fact, now that I research it, there never was a L and S movie, ever. Well, hunh. Oh, my. Perhaps, it reminded me of a long lost dream. A dream best forgotten. I’ll forgive you for subjected me to that.

    I get the pun now. I see what they did there. While I have not seen that movie either. I know of it. Great title.

    That’s some clever visual pun fun, right there. It makes ya think. Now, I’ll go read the rest of the news and not think so much.

  32. IdeaTumblr
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    “What the heck is that flappy sound?” bellows Thirsty as he brazenly ogles pornography on his iPad in the backyard—terrified of the idea of someone standing behind him masturbating, but too lazy to turn around or move or go inside.

  33. kkarenb
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Notice that the girl at the counter has the same bored expression that all of Batiuk’s service workers have. Just another way to show that the people who wait on him deserve his contempt. Seriously, my experience with young waitpersons is that most of them are pleasant and smiling.

    Peanuts – Today’s Peanuts rerun is Charlie Brown thinking about the little red-headed girl and his unrequited crush on her. It is bittersweet and moving. Tom Batiuk: THAT is writing.

    I am surprized that no one has mentioned that yesterday’s Washington Post had a letter in its “Free For All” page about the Family Circus panel with Dolly in the front seat of the car wearing a seat belt. The writer of the letter pointed out that she should be in the back seat in a booster seat, as many Curmudgeons commented when the comic ran. I don’t know if this letter is on the online WP. Did anyone here write that letter?

    Sophie: reality check – See today’s Sally Forth and Jump Start. (Jump Start is about dancing instead of singing, but the idea is the same.)

  34. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: In the intro panel they’re all sitting there looking like someone cut the cheese. The thing is, however, that they all farted. One big happy family fart intermingling smell with one another.

    And the family mini-bong is still hanging out on the arm of the sofa.

  35. seismic-2
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    MW: To recap: Mary embarked on this journey in an airliner notable for its giant rectangular picture windows offering panoramic views of severed heads floating in the clouds. Her seat-mate on the trip was Jeff, the same man whom she had just left behind at the airport. We see today that the CAB™ company is so cheap that it uses a fleet of 2-door taxi-coupes rather than the standard 4-door sedans; however, we saw yesterday that they have to pay to have them imported from England, since the steering wheel is on the right-hand side. (That development may be related to the fact that Mary’s cab is being driven by the only Anglo-Saxon cabbie in the city.) After remarking to the driver that Long Island looks just like Santa Royale, she arrives at a mansion in Lloyd Neck that is in fact a replica of one in Southern California. The mansion does not belong to the hostess, who nervously describes its owner as a “friend”. Now that Mary has arrived, it is time for a mysterious “announcement”.

    I think this strip is finally going to get interesting, now that it is being ghost-written by David Lynch.

  36. crazy fungus
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    ShysterLock Fox- in his pocket is a large vial of MERCURY. Of course it will pollute the environment, poison all the fuzzy characters in the strip, AND destroy the statue, but if the statue really is solid gold, Hg amalgamates with Au and would prove it HAD BEEN authentic.

  37. crazy fungus
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    BB- sarge wears his wristwatch on the side like that so when he beats the fu- – out of Beetle, it won’t hurt the watch crystal

  38. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#30): @Poteet (#17): “Giant Gina Heads” would be a good name for… Hold it. No it wouldn’t.
    David Byrne, Sameer Ghadia, and Gino Vannelli will be performing at the party as Young the Giant Gino Talking Heads with a special tribute to Mary:

    She’s coming up so let’s get this party started!
    Mare’s coming up so let’s get this party started!
    Get this party started,
    Tuesday afternoon,
    everybody’s waiting for her to arrive.
    Sending out the meddle to all her good friends,
    she’ll be looking frumpy in a New York cab.
    She got all the style in pearls and sweater set.
    She can talk for days and you know what I mean.
    She’s coming up so let’s get this party started!
    Mare’s coming up so let’s get this party started!
    Pumpin up the volume,
    breaking out the tea,
    cruisin’ through Long Island,
    She’ll be makin’ the scene.
    Lloyd Neck is freaking as she’s coming fast.
    She’ll be watching soccer,
    you’ll be kissin’ her ass!
    Pull up to the bumper get out of the cab,
    License plate says:
    Number One Meddler!
    She’s coming up so let’s get this party started!
    Mare’s coming up so let’s get this party started!

  39. Chareth Cutestory
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    Hi and Lois: Guess how many panels in I made it before I was thinking of cracking a masturbation joke? Two if we are counting the title panel.

  40. jvwalt
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    H&L — Actually, I don’t think Lois is horrified at all. I suspect she’s thinking “Good thing I was wearing gloves! When the cops come, there’ll be only one set of fingerprints on that broom handle. And then we’ll finally be rid of the neighbors who have single-handedly made our house unsaleable for years.”

    I mean, she’s a realtor, and she’s got a neighbor with an overgrown, beer-can-infested front yard. You do the math.

  41. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#38): Does that include salmon squares?

    Meanwhile, at Lio’s house…

  42. Mustang
    April 29th, 2012 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    H & L – I’m definitly with Thirsty here. If I were relaxing with a good book and my neighbor came outside and started flapping around her dusty rugs I’d want to throw my beer bottle at her head and yell “EVER HEARD OF VACUUM CLEANERS?” I mean seriously.

  43. Oavis
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    My guess on the Mary Worth plot: Bobby turns out to be an extremely rich man with a slightly nebulous, even shady past. Rumor is he killed a man. Mary rents the house next door for the summer and enjoys herself at his lavish parties while reacquainting herself with an old school friend and his wife who live nearby. About the time Bobby is found dead in the swimming pool, we realize they’ve just been ripping off the plot of The Great Gatsby.

    That, or “Bobby” will turn out to be a woman. Shocking! Or, more shocking still, a woman whose dark sunglasses don’t hide her strong resemblance to Michael Caine.

  44. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Lois must have Italian rugs.

    Okay. I’ll go quietly.

  45. MC 900 foot me
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    MW: This isn’t an engagement party, it’s a “Bobby knocked Gina Up Party”.

    We won’t know that for two weeks and then Mary will fret about it for four more weeks.

    By summer, it will all be resolved in a perfectly happy marriage.

  46. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#41): Does that include salmon squares?

    Salmon square dancing. After Rock Lobster.

  47. Twinkles the Elf
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Mary and Gina had a few chats at the diner over what, a couple of weeks? A month tops? And yet Mary is prepared to jet across the country to meddle at Gina’s (supposed) engagement party. I am SO hoping the “special” announcement is something very different: “Guess what, I’m pregnant!” would be nice, but I’ll settle for “We’ve converted to Mormonism!” or “We’re adopting a bear!”

  48. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    When Spider-Man visits True Fable’s place.

  49. Government Cheese
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh my, what a palatial home! And Gina is wearing matching Tiffany’s earings and diamond scrunchies! I’m expecting a really low-rent Mary Worth version of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” for this week.

    Luann: Oh it’s ok for the girls to dump in the men’s restroom, but not vice-versa.

  50. Thursday Next
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    Is the Marvin family so utterly strung out that they’re leaving soiled diapers on the cushions of the sofa? Because that’s what I see above baby daddy’s shoulder, right there with the sippy cup filled with slowly solidifying curdled milk.

  51. Chance
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    Those Hi & Lois links both go to the same strip. Was that intentional?

  52. Stev0
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    Sure, Mary Worth will hopefully be about murder. Today’s High and Lois will probably be about murder. But today’s Marvin SHOULD be about murder. Of course, so should every day’s Marvin, but the little bastard lives on.

  53. SurrealKangaroo
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    Oh man, today’s Hi and Lois just made me crack up.

  54. Écureuil Écumant
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#5): “Yeah, right, like a Plugger knows what a “router” or a “Nexflix” is. He thinks “streaming” and “downloading” are something you do in the bathroom, not living room.”

    @Sciencegiant (#6): “Yes, Josh. Or the sounds of Lois fapping her dirty rug outdoors…”

    Something deep in the soul of synchronicity — with a tip o’ the ol’ rubber beanie to tube8 and its siblings, who (erm) singlehandedly repurposed the family bathroom — brought these two posts into juxtaposition.

    Although if someone were to be depicted with a dirty rug, and were to be found fapping it outdoors, it seems likelier that someone would be Cherry.

  55. demoncat
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    mw. sorry it mary it belongs to a friend of ours for bobby salary can not yet afford a place like this. yet . its just loaned to hear our special annoucement of boby and me having a baby and then having to go back into witness protection. hi and lois. Lois is watching irma use her broom as a way to scare thirsty to do some work then trying to figure out how she will get blood stains out of it.

    April 29th, 2012 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (oldthread#232):

    a couple of nuts got stuck in my server

  57. Liam
    April 29th, 2012 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    JP-Randy can’t marry April because I want April.

    PBS-To paraphrase Mel Brooks, “If I get a paper cut it is tragic. If Bart gets shoved into a trash compactor it is very funny.”

  58. tb4000
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Irma plans on utilizing that broom handle on Thirsty all right, but not in the way you’re perceiving. Zoinks.

  59. Chyron HR
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    JP – Why doesn’t Sophie just drive to school in her new free car? She doesn’t have one yet? Wait five minutes.

    9CL – A young figure sits still by a pool, she’s been stamped “Real Art” by a pretentious tool…

  60. Liam
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    Luann-You missed an entire week of a girl using the Men’s room.

  61. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Twinkles the Elf (#47): “You adopted a friend of mine’s bear!”

  62. Alison
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: A creepy manor, a mysterious “special announcement”…This REALLY looks like a set-up for something sinister. Darn it all that it’s a MW plot, and therefore, it won’t turn out to be anything interesting.

    “Marvin”: Are there ever any strips about Marvin’s family being broke? Because there really should be. This kid must go through hundreds of diapers every single week. Mom Marvin and Dad Marvin must be shelling out serious $$$$ on Pampers and baby wipes.

  63. Shermy Glamrocker
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    I have to admit, I’m a bit jealous of Marvin’s ability to urinate in his drawers. Intentionally, that is. At my age, with the amount of beer I drink, things sometimes happen.

  64. Écureuil Écumant
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    MW, last panel: As Mary passes unheeding by, we catch a background glimpse of the cistern in which her remains will be jettisoned when the Presbyphoneuoi sacrifice has been consummated in accordance with the runic rites.

  65. Santa Royale With Cheese
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:31 pm [Reply]


    Your first clue: this Long Island manse has the Spanish-tile roof that we see everywhere in Mary’s West Coast home. Did she ever really leave California at all? Or did her flight out, which was full of trippy visuals, all happen in her own head?

    Rule #1: You do NOT talk about Pie Club.

  66. Santa Royale With Cheese
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#35):

    I think this strip is finally going to get interesting, now that it is being ghost-written by David Lynch.

    Wow, Bob, wow.

  67. Baka Gaijin
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#56): Though I don’t want to know how you got your nuts caught in the server, it does explain the yelling.

    @Twinkles the Elf (#47): The surprise twist would be if the bear turned out to be a reincarnated wise-cracking Dingo.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#64): I would pay to see that.

  68. NoahSnark
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    The look on the faces of Marvin’s family is hard to fathom. If it was one of the strip’s standard poop jokes I would expect Marvin to look satisfied, but he appears as haggard and shocked as everyone else. It’s almost as if the cartoonist just found out the Marvin contract had been extended another ten years – but some things are just too horrible to contemplate putting on the Sunday comics page.

  69. Sequitur
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    The Duplex: Oh, great. Eno is mentoring Crankshaft.

  70. Holly Folly
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    It seems kind of odd that Gina will wait while Mary freshens up to start the party. Unless she is the first one there? That seems unlikely though as Mary had to travel the farthest. My theory is that there is no party, and Mary will quickly find herself alone in that grand old house, holding the bill for the rental and quietly weeping to herself.

  71. cheech wizard
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    MW – Holy crap – Gina’s asked Mary to fly all the way across country for an Amway pitch. This is even better than I ever dared to dream.

    “The house? I glad you asked. It belongs to my business partner – sponsor, actually. Mary, you use household products, don’t you? Have you ever wanted to be rich beyond your wildest dreams?”

  72. Liam
    April 29th, 2012 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    MW-Not even the Federal Air Marshal who wanted to throw me off the plane because I was distracting the pilots could keep me from here.

  73. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#62): Darn it all that it’s a MW plot, and therefore, it won’t turn out to be anything interesting.

    I know, I know – I, too, want something sinister and creepy, or something outrageous and improbable (Gina and Bobby are opening a theme park with a Mary Worth section called “Meddlepalooza”), but it’s likely to be something achingly dull: Gina and Bobby are getting married and Gina wants Mary to give her away or be her matron-of-honor (what’s beyond “matron”? Duenna, crone? I dunno, something old and dessicated).

  74. Josh
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#9): Rocky — I didn’t get any message from you, and I don’t see one in my spam filter. Please send to


  75. Écureuil Écumant
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

  76. Team Kelpfroth
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    I don’t comment often, but feel compelled to share my theory on MW. I think either something shady is happening, like maybe the man with the house is a drug lord and Bobby and Gina are caught up in it, or Bobby is battering Gina and Mary has to convince her to leave.

    I know we’ll probably follow the vanilla path to an engagement, but that house and the “friend” who owns it are giving me villain vibes.

  77. Ukulele Ike
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    MT: Big spooky mysterious house way the hell out in deepest Lawngeyeland. Moy can either go the Cat and the Canary route, or Murder by Death. I hope for the latter, with Mary in the Peter Sellers role and Truman Capote somewhere inside yelling “Use your god damn prepositions!!!!”

  78. Kevin R
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think I see what’s coming: young, unmarried couple; opulent mansion; single older woman on a fixed income. Stand by Mary Worth, here come’s an Amway sales pitch . . . or the Satantic sacrifice of a newly born child. It could go either way.

  79. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    (ack. so I’m typing and I go to preview it before posting and Voi-freaking-la,
    @Kevin R (#78): beats me to the punch at mentioning this.)
    On Mary’s Latest Adventure, I still propose getting your hopes up and expecting that it is not an engagement announcement nor is it a birth announcement or a surprise wedding.

    I still anticipate that this storyline of the mystery announcement is a straight up “RoseMary’s Baby” scenario. Admittedly, in the previous storyline i did expect Mary to get wacked by Nola, and Nola disappointed. However so far in this storyline the Magic 8 Ball is still forecasting the chances are good for Mary to be murdered. This time it would be a sacrifice.

    It probably won’t happen but, man, so far, so….sigh….so far, so so.

    If only they provided more clues and properly built up the suspense. That’s where the flight and the cab ride were wasted opportunities. NOTHING happened while she was traveling. The end result is these mixed signals the strip is sending to anticipate this “special announcement” and pretty freaking much showing nothing else whatsoever still make it seem like the story CAN veer into spooky territory. But, given the strip’s history, it will only slowly roll towards the Boring, Bad Story Lands.

  80. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    @Josh (#74): I sent you another message, but here’s my problem in a nutshell: I’m being stymied by the fact that the Comics Curmudgeon now requires me to submit a password before I can log in under my username, Rocky Stoneaxe. Unfortunately, I don’t recall whether I have a password or not — as I’ve NEVER had to log in until today.

  81. Calico
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Mary is about to get that special needle prick on her index finger.

  82. Peanut Gallery
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    JP, last panel – Sophie is so determined not to witness her parents getting mushy with each other, she’s gone wall-eyed.

  83. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    To (pointlessly) follow-up on Mary’s longass trip to this Murder Mansion:

    It took so long to play that travel sequence out. And, how the heck wasn’t that her friend Jeff sitting next to her on the plane?

    It is a friggin comic strip where one day’s installment can be used to announce she’d going to NY to visit the Waitress and the Soccer Guy.Then in the next day’s strip can provide expository backstory, while she’s packing her bags. Then on the third day*, she could have been on the doorstep.

    But, no, they stretch it out for days. How long did it take for her to get from one point to the destination? So, if it was just used for backstory and to establish and reinforce Mary’s anticipation of something positive, the damned house would have to be the scene of something shockingly great or shockingly frightening.

    The only way it could be greater than the likely scenario Mary expects is for the party to ensue, with all of the guests, and for the mansion to fly off to the moon where Mary begins her new life meddling with moon people.

    *from what I’ve heard, messianic types typically reserve the third day for rising. Mary being Mary always does things differently (and more boringly).

    Man, I can’t believe I’m spending this much effort saying the Mary Worth comic strip is crappy when it could be great. That in order for it to become a good strip, it should stop teasing evil and just go all out where Mary takes on the Devil in a parlor or a desert or on the moon. Sure, it could be a “comfort food” strip for those who appreciate the boring. But, what about the rest of us? Someone brought up David Lynch. If you’ve ever seen his strip “The World’s Angriest Dog” you’d know would only improve MaryWorth if he filmed it. A good comic strip cartoonist, he ain’t.

    Something’s got to give, MW creators. I’m perfectly willing to give up on reading it. But, man. Make it more interesting for those readers who truly care, and who care un-ironically.

  84. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#81): Maybe Mary is about to get that special needle prick on her index finger.

    Les Moore?

  85. crazy fungus
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    CheechWizard #71- an Amway pitch! Most likely.

    Marvin- no diapers needed. Marvin recycles (read “eats”) 100% of his feces for 100% of his nutrients. Perpetual energy is a reality: this message brought to you by soylent green!

  86. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#61): Hey everybody! Frank’s still alive! He just fogged a mirror!

  87. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    FW — At long last, something Les and I can agree on. The Kenny Bania wannabe is nothing but a phonius balonius.

    Rocky Stoneaxe

  88. Ned Ryerson
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    Allright! Mary Worth is going to be the “B” in a human centipede!

    Maybe like this:
    Marvin–>Mary Worth–>Les Moore

  89. Poteet
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    MW — I know bell-bottom jeans, sandals, tie-dye blouse, and a headband are too much to hope for, but Moy and Giella, could we please be able to actually tell that Mary has changed clothes when we see her next. Remember that drama rule about showing the gun. Thank you.

  90. Buzz Carter
    April 29th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    If today’s MW doesn’t end with a multi-level marketing presentation, I will be very disappointed.

  91. Sgt. Stoned
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: The house belongs to Don Corleone.

  92. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#91): I was thinking “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly House” belonged to Sergio Leone.

    Rocky Stoneaxe

  93. Master Softheart
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    @Buzz Carter (#90): “If today’s MW doesn’t end with a multi-level marketing presentation, I will be very disappointed.”

    Always fascinating to find simple combinations of words that make a point that in the history of the universe no one has ever before contemplated expressing.

  94. Liam
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    Hi and Lois-Irma, if you are going to air out Thirsty you need a gun not a broom.

    For Better or For Worse Special Edition-And some other things that have disappeared: your youth, figure, dreams, ambitions, hopes.

  95. Liam
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    MW-That plane trip took forever with the pilot trying to get away from a giant floating head.

  96. Baka Gaijin
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#73): I believe Miss Manners would call that position, “Hag of the Bride.”

    @Ned Ryerson (#88): Ew. Just ew.

  97. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Usually, I rely on Josh and the rest of the usuals here to make me laugh at Mary Worth.

    Fortunately, this line from the top of the character’s Wikipedia page made me guffaw:

    This article is about the comic strip. For the evil spirit that is sometimes known by this name, see Bloody Mary (folklore).

    The page also shows people at this site aren’t the only ones who have ridiculed it. While I don’t recall this, apparently Carol Burnett did a skit on it, called “Mary Worthless”.
    (read it. it is pretty good; the bonus is the cover for the comic book; lookit her expression!)

    Now, I’d normally leave it to Rana to perform the wet blanket duties. But, my gut feeling is that the strip isn’t going any amazing route with this story. I’ve already stated that.

    What I do expect, seriously, is just a surprise party for Mary to thank her for her meddling. She somehow is the reason the couple is together, in theory. True, part of me would freak and be amazed if “Bobby the Soccer Player” is in the freezer or has already been burned in the funeral pit, shown in the last panel of Sunday’s strip. But, hey, it is probably just a party for Mary.

  98. tallyHO
    April 29th, 2012 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    Annnnd, when will I ever learn? Just because I can’t remember it doesn’t mean “the internet” does not remember the Carol Burnett skit:

  99. numbat
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth reminds me of the Monty Python sketch “The Adventures of Ralph Melish”

    And then nothing happened.

  100. Gal Friday
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Through the misty eons, humanity has celebrated the harvest and the bountiful fertility of Earth through sacred invocations to gods and goddesses. The ancient Egyptians celebrated Tenenet, goddess of childbirth and beer. Greeks hailed Dionysius, god of wine, winemaking, and ecstasy. The Aztecs, too, celebrated by worshipping Mayahuel, goddess of motherhood, childbirth and white pulque, which poured forth from her 400 breasts.

    Today we call this august being Thirsty Thurston. He must be “aired out” in sacred physical rituals known only to harried housewives in midwestern America.

  101. Mibbitmaker
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    A bit late today. Oversnarpologies…

    FW: Crankshaft would, though.

    Marvin: Oh, what doesn’t remind them about going to the bathroom?!

    MW: If this is somehow an intervention by Mary’s victims about her meddling, then, strip…
    – MARRY ME![/Maeby Funke]

    Mutts: Says the Republican party.

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#100): Effulgent. Take a golden bough!

  103. debussy fields
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#98): This is hilarious. I remember watching Carol Burnette when I was a kid. If I saw this episode back in 1974 or whenever, I’m sure I couldn’t have appreciated the humor, as I had no knowledge of Mary Worth at the time. The studio audience obviously did, though. This is an amazing piece of video.

  104. Spiff Bereft
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    H&L: “Thirsty needs an airing out.”
    Alcoholism is always funny until someone gets sodomized with a broomstick.

  105. parcheesi
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    I have to say it, that Hi & Lois is kind of awesome. It’s so full of noise and violence, the pace and staging are intense, and the extra panels give it a pleasing three-act narrative structure.

  106. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    April 29th, 2012 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#97): No worries; I tend to figure that Mary Worth is already putting its own wet blanket on the proceedings, so there’s no need for me. :) But there’s always room for us wet blankets; we’re an important tribe among Curmudgeons.

  107. Sequitur
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): Rev. Scudder proclaims…

    Hey everybody! Frank’s still alive! He just fogged a mirror!

    Of course he’s alive and well. He’s been lurking about the site much like I do at times, peering through eye holes in the newspaper to look at the comments while glancing left and right hoping not to be noticed.

  108. Comcis Fan
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    MW: I think there might be drugs at the party – drugs and soccer hos. Mary will be concerned. At some point, Mary and Gina will sit together at a table. Coffee will be stared at pensively, steam will rise from Mary’s coffee cup. The steam will be the most enticing part of the story.

  109. bats :[
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    MW: I think we were doomed when Mary was just so gosh-darned happy. You know she doesn’t mean it — she’s just being “nice.” If only she were true to herself…

  110. Droopy Says
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: Hardly Laurel is just as obnoxious and uncharming as Peter Passive, with supervillain hair and a cheesy costume to boot. Spiderman has not only met his match, but his equal.

    For Better Or For Wankerbean: So Batiuk’s correspondence course in writing has finally reached the lesson on foreshadowing.

    Incident At Lost Forest Bridge: As Mark Trail frees his captive friend, he grabs a dry branch and shatters the skull of the nearest miscreant. But the other malefactor stands out of his reach, a Colt revolver clutched in one hand. “Get him!” Trail commands, and his faithful canine leaps to the attacks. In an instant the last of the bandit gang lies on the forest floor, bloodied and defeated. Trail towers over the scene as he basks in his victory against the desperate odds–

    A burst of gunfire catches Mark Trail in the chest and he dies.

    Pluggers: The chicken lady listens to a caller describe a barbecue? Pluggers love the sadomasochistic kind of obscene phone call.

    Family Circus: The “Oh, no!” or “Oh, yes!” depends on whether or not Thel’s weight gain means another pregnancy.

    Gasoline Alley: Of course Lucky feels inferior. He just bungled a chance to kill Slim. That’s like Captain Ahab failing to put a harpoon in the Great Beached Whale.

  111. tallyHO
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#108): Yeah. You say that and you know it will take forever to get to that point.

    On the Wikipedia page it says that the person who wrote the strip prior to the current writer was known for “glacial” pacing in the story. I don’t recall bothering to read it back then. But, if recent months strips is any indicator, it will take forever to “get this party started.”

    I say even if we waited until tomorrow, we would still have time to cobble together a pool to see who comes closest to figuring out when the party starts.

  112. Anonymous
    April 30th, 2012 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    MT – OK, where in the hell did that gun come from?

  113. Droopy Says
    April 30th, 2012 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#112): The 1903 Sears catalog?

  114. Comcis Fan
    April 30th, 2012 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    FW: Mrs. Blackburn is so excited about the prom, she’s popped a tushy.

    MW: Self-congratulatory, much? Also, methinks some old flame of Mary’s is going to appear at this soiree. Notice the “rekindled love” in bold, and the way Dr. Jeff was too busy to join Mary on the trip? On the other hand, Mary Worth is never about Mary Worth or any unspoken imperfections in her life. It’s about Mary helping others.

  115. Droopy Says
    April 30th, 2012 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    Luann: Evans skipped the usual “TJ has a deranged idea and Piggyface submits to his dominant will” phase and went right to the “TJ ruins everything with his lunacy” phase. It’s too bad, because with a loittle proper planning this could have turned out perfectly. You want to catch Shannon, right? Well, get inside the house. Nail shut all the doors, windows and other exits, so she can’t get away. Then set the house on fire and start shouting “Fire! Fire!” Hey, we have two firefighters here so it’s safe, right? Right! Then wait as the rising smoke and flames force Shannon into the open.

    Meanwhile Shannon is across the street, drinking hot chocolate and watching the fire while she tells the neighbors how mean B-wad and Beakmouth have been to her.

  116. Anonymous
    April 30th, 2012 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#112): He had the gun hidden in his mullet.

    Anonymous Rocky Stoneaxe

  117. Tony
    April 30th, 2012 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    MW: I think that Gina has invited Mary to an intro meeting for the new multi-level marketing pyramid scheme that she and her boyfriend just got involved in.

  118. Hairhead
    April 30th, 2012 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    Luann – Evans goes from squicky, creepy, dysfunctional, and ignorant, to flat-out stupid. Okay, a minor child has run away into a stormy night. What do you do? CALL 911 YOU DOPEY FUCKS!! (Where’s that gun, maybe I can shoot myself now!)

  119. Alison
    April 30th, 2012 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#115):
    “Piggyface” is my new favorite moniker for Brad. I usually just think of him as “That idiot”, which is not nearly as good.

  120. Anonymous
    April 30th, 2012 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#118): Where’s that gun, maybe I can shoot myself now!

    “It’s in your mullet, you dumb prat!” [Rocky]

  121. Higgs Boatswain
    April 30th, 2012 at 3:57 am [Reply]

    “I’ll just let you freshen up and change, Mary. I assume you won’t be wanting to come to our special-announcement party travel-stained and stinking like Pavarotti’s armpit. And what a fascinating lavender trouser-suit – I’m sure you’re the envy of all the spinsters in Santa Royale. Just drop it in the garbage when you’re done and pick something more appropriate from my wardrobe.”

  122. Owen
    April 30th, 2012 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    Being accustomed as I am to traditional Western forms and conventions of narrative, Mary Worth’s constant references to a “special announcement” that she assumes to be engagement-related have set me up to expect a pay-off in which the “special announcement” is something completely unexpected, giving the reader a lesson in not jumping to conclusions and providing fodder for a comedy of errors based on complicated misunderstandings. Given that it’s Mary Worth, however, it’s more likely that there will be no unexpected revelation and this set-up in fact only serves to demonstrate how utterly correct Mary’s every thought is. All hail her glorious self-righteousness!

  123. Little A.
    April 30th, 2012 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    LUANN: What a bunch of idiots, all three of them. The little kid is running around in the rain (she must be an idiot, too) and instead of calling the
    police, they saw a hole in the floor?

    No doubt about it, this is a relationship made in heaven.

  124. Écureuil Écumant
    April 30th, 2012 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: Shouldn’t that be “huge nimrod of doom”?

  125. Écureuil Écumant
    April 30th, 2012 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    H&L: In addition to her “Carpet Crawl Knees”, Trixie also suffers from “Carpet Creeper Nose”.

  126. Lucky
    April 30th, 2012 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Archie – Archie Andrews: Ace Attorney

    B.C. – Yeah, I’m probably missing something here, but this totally looks like it was put together by one of those random strip generators that mix up different panels.

    Mark Trail – Is that the best Mark Trail panel for a long time or what? The unnamed pot grower futilely holding a pistol while being attacked by a dog that’s larger than him, a textbox dryly stating the obvious… It’s a work of art.

    Pluggers – Yeah, we get it. Pluggers are lonely and desperate for any conversation.

  127. Black Drazon
    April 30th, 2012 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure what’s going on in Mary Worth, but I’m drawn to Gina’s hideous off-flesh coloured eyes. I’m not sure what kind of creature of the night Gina’s become in her absense, but I’m sure she’s glad to open the doors of her creaky old mansion to her progenitor and mistress.

  128. BeckoningChasm
    April 30th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    I saw the current Mary Worth storyline just the other day, on television. It was called “House on Haunted Hill” and there was a vat of acid and a flying skeleton.

  129. boconn
    May 1st, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – I’m hoping along the lines of something like this: At the height of the ‘party’, Bobby enters – cross dressed to the nines. She/he strides up to Mary and says, “From now on you can call me Bobbi – with an ‘i’.” Gina chortes, “And we’re getting gay married next week! Mary! Promise me you’ll be best man!” Mary’s face locks into a grimace, “N-n-nothing could keep me away!”

    We could then have months (years in MW time) of meddling, talking Bobbi out of the sex change operation (too late!); talking Gina into calling off the wedding; reporting the happy couple to Child Welfare when they attempt to buy a baby on the black market. Why, the story practically writes itself! Finish up with beleagured, defeated, and plotting her meddlesome comeback, Mary flying home followed by the large, laughing head of Gina…”Missth, I thed another Mai Tai! Make it a double!”

  130. coops2001
    May 1st, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    Hi/Lois – Hopefully Irma uses the narrow end of the broom when “airing” out Thirsty.

  131. Carter
    May 3rd, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    Take care,

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