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Kwanzaavaganzaa!

Curtis, 1/2/08

The Curtis annual Kwayzee Kwanzaa digression never disappoints. Never. This year, we have the tale of a master thief, who stole a water buffalo’s hide while she was bathing (did you know that water buffalos are people inside their hides? It’s true!), then married and impregnated her, only to earn the wrath of a two-headed poisonous snake by stealing its eggs. Really! And now the snake has done something awful to the buffalo lady, probably changed her unborn buffalo-human hybrid baby into some kind of three-way buffalo-human-two-headed-snake hybrid, and a valuable lesson will be learned, namely: don’t do mescaline, kids. I hate to say it, but the whole thing make Hanukkah look kind of boring. Did the Maccabees ever transform into animals, or marry animals, or anything? Can we get a deuterocanonical rewrite here?

Gil Thorp, 1/2/08

We saw last week that Andrew is exactly the sort of quick-witted sharpie who might actually recognize a double-entendre like “We’re not huge — but you don’t have to be if you’re talented” when he sees it, and might enjoy trying to slip it past an obviously hungover Marty Moon. We’ll be looking forward to hearing more ribald quips from this hatchet-faced wunderkind once he starts talking about “the Bucket.”

Marvin, 1/2/08

His medicine cabinet … and his bloodstream. Those heavy lids and eyebags indicate that Grandpa has been so doped up by the pharmaceutical-industrial complex that he can barely stand up straight. The saddest thing is that this strip is taking place at two in the afternoon, and he’s just managed to lift his head off of his drool-soaked pillow long enough to shamble into the bathroom and get another fix.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 1/2/08

If my record-keeping is on track, then “Bob Bennett” is actually faithful reader benro, who apparently goes to a doctor’s office frequented by vomiting fetishists. Bonus Scadutoism: “Woopee”.

51 responses to “Kwanzaavaganzaa!”

  1. LTBF
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    I’ve often wnated to sit down after an appointment to finish reading an article but never had the nerve.

  2. Rusty
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Marvin’s grandfather is clearly a plugger. Obese, overmedicated, and poorly dressed. Even if those are pajamas.

  3. LTBF
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    While 2001 was seven years ago now, I think the bottom cartoon might have been funnier if it had a headline like “Teapot Dome scandal rocks White House”.

  4. jayjaybear
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    Curtis: I still don’t think this Curtis Kwanzaa theme quite reaches the surreal heights of the Golden Otter thing last year, even with the werebuffalo.

    Slylock Fox: Okay…just WHAT is that elephant doing with the “friendly, passive” hippopotamus?!

  5. Chance
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    The magazines are old, but it’s the patient who is literally festooned in cobwebs. Based on the draping of the webs, Mr. Nudnik has sat there with his head turned over his shoulder with an expression of enraged bafflement for months and months.

    Awesome. Truly, Al Scaduto was taken too soon.

  6. bees on pie
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    TDIET: Well, I hate to give a wry, knowing chuckle and say, “Gosh, they WILL do it every time,” but that is so true. The waiting room that I had to frequent during my last pregnancy had the weekly news magazines, the trashy celeb gossip magazines, and Oprah, but they always got me in to see the doctor right away. Last week I had to sit in the eye doctor’s waiting room for fifteen minutes and, I kid you not, the only two magazines were Golf and some fine arts magazine.

  7. Les
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    I went to get biometrically scanned for a British visa today and they sent me to an INS office for it. The only sign of any Britishness at all was that they had the TV playing a Mr Bean sketch over and over again. It was about taking numbers and waiting line. No magazines.

    Two governments that don’t like their foreigners much . . .

  8. the opoponax
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    Every year I get one step closer to kissing this whole Christmas thing goodbye and just celebrating Kwanzaa. It’s so much better, in every way. Thanks, Curtis, for giving me one more reason to consider Jesus totally not the reason for the season.

  9. the opoponax
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Also, in response to Les at #7, I will say that when I went to get my visa to visit India a few weeks ago, they were playing Bollywood movies on a huge widescreen TV. And the whole place was draped with posters for that Incredible India campaign with the Taj Mahal, camels, beautiful women in saris, the whole 9 yards. Take that, British Embassy!

  10. Moon Mullins
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 am [Reply]


    Thursday Mary Worth:

    Jeez, doesn’t Chester in panel two look like he is mockingly snickering at Mary?
    “I’m finally going home and away from this ‘Dippity-Doo’-scented nightmare!”

    As this is happening, Mary is about to slap him across the snout.

  11. Rainbird
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    les #7 You mean you have to get a visa to get into Brtitain? Or what? I have never heard of a scan to get one.

    As for Curtis, are these real stories he is telling? (I mean real folk-lore, obviously not real, I mean, like Curtis…oh, never mind.

  12. bats :[
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    Not much snark-worthy, or am I already jaded in 2008?
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2161517782/

  13. captainswift
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    And a Curmudgeonly New Years to all!

  14. Uncle Lumpy
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Curtis — Hey what the hell? Is this a Kwanzaa twofer, or is laughing-forest Smokey somehow related to the two-headed hippo thief-wife biter plot?

    Billingsley, you have figured out an entirely new way to be nuts. Congratulations, sir!

  15. kitty
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    GT: Marjie looks absolutely ecstatic about covering the Milford girls’ basketball beat. I bet her commentary on panel two will be something like a deadpan: “Throw your hands in the air. Wave them around like you just don’t care.” Soon, though, she’ll succumb to the hard liquor and start sharing the “lowdown” with everyone. Poor Marjie and her horrible hair.

  16. Uncle Lumpy
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    In other news — what the hell?

    Funky unjumps.

  17. Uncle Lumpy
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    Oops. Last year’s URL. Sorry.

  18. Les
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    I’m getting a student visa to study in the UK. They won’t let you in without one, as I learned at Thanksgiving, even if you’ve already been there for many weeks, have been minding your own business, haven’t stayed too long and are paying all your tuition fees. They sent me right back to to the US and then wanted me to apply for a visa. So I did, but my university spent weeks thinking about who they would get to mail me forms that I needed and then put insufficient postage on said forms (you can’t send international airmail with a second class stamp!) and so my stuff came to me only a few days ago. And I made an appointment to get fingerprinted, (which is now the law also for France) and they sent me to an INS center in my home town. In America.

    There were American flags everywhere. I was confused. The person at the door granting or refusing entry was confused. Everybody else there was trying to stay in America and I was trying to leave.

    There was no sign of anything remotely British except for Mr Bean on the TV, quietly stealing take-a-number numbers from other people.

    I had a feeling that if I imitated his behavior, I woud be asked to leave.

    But when I saw him, I knew I was in the right place. Only the British would think it was amusing to poke fun at our own interminable wait in such a way. That or American INS really hates foreigners and wants to sneer at them, but THAT couldn’t be it.

  19. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    # 12 — Bats, your Foob foursome in the last thread was quite intensely glorious. BWAHAHA!

    On a totally separate note, I am currently suffering the bitter feeling unique to having spent 162 irreplaceable minutes of my shrinking life watching a “deep” foreign film that was supposed to be good and wasn’t. I’m grateful I can come here and instantly start feeling better.

  20. Admiral Flavor
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    That’s a classic Gil Thorp a strip, in that fully identified proper nouns consume 75 percent of it.

  21. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT — Yay, it’s gotten so when this strip is featured, I can look at the pseudo-humans without screaming aloud and rearing back from the computer! Now I’m working on the whimpering.

    DT — Curse you again, Queen of Diamonds, for pulling me into this idiotic morass.

  22. Jimmy
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    The only times I get called in on time to see the doctor are when I’ve embarked on stealth-clipping–that’s when there’s a particularly fascinating article that I have to steal, and I only get halfway through my silent, sweating ripping when the door flies open and I’m called.

  23. Brown-eyed Girl
    January 3rd, 2008 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    MW. Well, it’s not such a unique trick since some clever mudge recognized it (Sorry, but I can’t remember who). And maybe that same clever mudge sent their uniquely trained dog into Mary Worth Land just to screw around with Mary. Ok, who owns the two-headed snake, and how did it end up in Curtis? It would be more usefully employed in FOOB.

  24. mollificent
    January 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    Can I just say how awesome Wednesday’s “Shortpacked” was?

  25. CrazyEskimo
    January 3rd, 2008 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    So, it’s Barfo that makes waiting room newspapers, and Barfoo that makes Marmaduke’s dogfood. Probably in that order.

    I’ll bet it’s the keen marketing savvy of the extra “o” that allows them to disguise their evil corporate schemes to corner the lucrative tabloid and discount dogfood markets. Who knows where they will strike next?! Rupert Murdock, watch out!

  26. asdf
    January 3rd, 2008 at 5:24 am [Reply]

    About They’ll Do It Every Time–who has two doctors? I can’t afford to even see one.

  27. yellojkt
    January 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 am [Reply]

    I am more worried about Grampa Marvin’s psychedelic pajamas. When he vomits on himself in the nursing home, no one will be able to tell since the smell won’t be any different.

  28. Sean
    January 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    I think Curtis’ Kwanzaa story stole the plot of the movie “Secret Of Roan Inish”. Which takes place in Ireland and involves a guy stealing a seal skin and marrying the human/seal trapped on land because of said skin.

  29. jnoble
    January 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Shhhhhh!!! Don’t tell the guy that draws this strip that nobody, even the guy who invented it, celebrates Kwanzaa!

  30. Little Guy
    January 3rd, 2008 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Yeah, but the first night of Hannakah all started when Antiochus IV Epiphanes came on in relief, but Judas Maccabeus led off with a walk and then stole second…

    GT: The part of Marty Moon is now being played by Zachary Quinto.

  31. The Photocopiest
    January 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Excuse me, it’s a well-known bit of apocrypha that not only were the Macabees transforming robots, but they were all chicks and had missile breasts.

    Really! Madonna talks about it all the time.

  32. The Photocopiest
    January 3rd, 2008 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    17: I think Lumpy’s on to something. How about if we start reading Funky backwards? If we take shifts, by this time next spring we could be back in the era of making jokes about Space Invaders!

  33. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 3rd, 2008 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    I know there’s a new thread up, but this seems like the best place to congratulate benro on his Scaduto Experience. Gaylord and Matt as well, since I neglected them earlier.

    Re:KwanzaaCurtis, most of the wild stuff on the Jewish calendar seems to be grouped around Passover. I mean, when burning shrubbery starts talking to you, you’re having a good night.

  34. McManx
    January 3rd, 2008 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    I think #28 Sean is on to something regarding Curtis. The Irish plot line would explain the tartan cover appearing in panel 4. This will of course lead to a black Irish pun some where in the dialog to come.

  35. Albatross
    January 3rd, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    I can only thank heaven that the latest round of FBOFW server barfs seems to have broken the eye-blinking mechanism. Now that’s it’s regularly barfing up strips the content remains as desperately un-funny as ever, but at least they hold still. FBOFW may be dead, but at least it’s stopped twitching.

    The only remaining question is, will Granthony have proposed before 2009, or will he and Lizardbreath spend the year driving home from New Years, silently sneaking glances at each other while fantasizing what they MIGHT say to each other, were “events” actually permitted in FBOFW anymore…

  36. Piemunky
    January 3rd, 2008 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Since when did the Kwanzaavaganzaa have creepy lego-redead hybrids?

  37. Matt Algren
    January 3rd, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    We demand “We’re not huge — but you don’t have to be if you’re talented!” merchandise.

    DEMAND!

  38. Hysterical Woman
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    While the “Steal the mythical creature’s clothes and get yourself a wife” story is common in folklore, I’ve never heard this crazy variant.

  39. Feenomenal
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    The 2nd panel of Gil Thorpe looks like a deodorant commercial. “Raise your hand if you’re Sure!”

  40. Ari
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    deuterocanonical? deuterocanonical?! And the coolest and scariest part is that I’m pretty sure I even know what you mean there. Let me just say how much you totally rock, Josh.

  41. HB Glord
    January 3rd, 2008 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    #33: Who’s this “Gaylord” you speak of, AFKA Ben? Protocol, my good man!

  42. frumpiefox
    January 3rd, 2008 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    There’s some potent subliminal advertising for donuts in that Marvin stip. I had to go back and re-read it to figure out what donuts had to do with the pharmaceutical industry. Then I realized, “Damn, that’s what my medicine cabinet looks like.”

  43. dale
    January 3rd, 2008 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    At the risk of pissing everybody off – why don’t people bring their own reading material when they know they may be stuck in a waiting room?

    Which reminds me – Note to grocery shoppers: If you’re going to pay with a check, bring your own damn pen and some IDs.

  44. Loppie Scaduto
    January 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    Quoth LTBF: “I’ve often wanted to sit down after an appointment to finish reading an article but never had the nerve.”

    I’ve done it. It was fun.

    Quoth dale: “why don’t people bring their own reading material when they know they may be stuck in a waiting room?”

    Actually, I often do.

    Where others hypothesize, I leap into the fray. Or maybe I’m just kinda odd….

    BTW, I remain delighted by the continuing use of the phrase Bonus Scadutoism — I hope there are many opportunities for us to keep referencing it in the days remaining for us to view Al’s work.

  45. dale
    January 4th, 2008 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    44 – Loppie

    I usually carry something even when I don’t plan on being stuck. Last time I didn’t (done with the morning paper), the car broke down. Still had paper, pens and pencils in the car.

    Before posting #43 I talked myself out of mentioning that “kinder” isn’t really a Scadutoism; it’s German for children.

  46. The Restless Mouse
    January 4th, 2008 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    That’s alright- I subscribed to “Barfo Magazine” so I can read it anytime.

  47. Doug Puthoff
    January 4th, 2008 at 6:58 am [Reply]

    I wonder what Stan Lee is going to do with Peter and MJ’s marriage now that–in the comics–Spidey has made a deal with devil and his marriage with MJ never happened–the stupidest thing any comic book company has ever done. If there is any justice in the world, Joe Quesada, the man responsible for this comic book train wreck, will wind up drawing “Gil Thorp.”

  48. April
    January 4th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2006/09/15/the-making-of-a-funny/ scanned from Popular Science 6-1940

    http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0852/ – family circus Xmas special, has video clips

  49. 4EvahFan
    January 4th, 2008 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    FW: So Les is this over-protective parent who was having a stroke at the idea of Summer having a solo car date. His best friend and wife/girlfriend/whatever steal off to the islands and Cory has a trash the house party. Les knows that Summer is going to a party at Cory’s — you would assume he knows his best friend — the parent — is not there. So he won’t let Summer on a solo car date, but he’ll let her go to a New Years Eve bash at a house with the parents out of town? Makes no sense.

    FOOB: I don’t think Lynn could make Elly or Connie any uglier if she tried. Connie looks like Chinnuts, Elly looks like she needs to stop peering out of the top of her spectacles and go back underneath the pile of coats on the bed and hope everything turns out better tomorrow.

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