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LITTLE KNOWN DRUG FACTS: Marijuana is super cushy

Judge Parker, 6/26/12

Awww yeah it’s a massive rural marijuana grow operation, everybody! Obviously Judge Parker saw that Mark Trail did a story depicting vast fields of marijuana plants and got noticed by the popular press for it and so now they want in! Judge Parker of course did its own pot-growing storyline back in 2007 and ’08, when Sam and Abbey’s elderly next-door neighbors built a mysterious landing strip and then brought Abbey some brownies which made her act all funny and she and Sam almost had sex but then didn’t and then Abbey tried spying on them to find out more and eventually they ended up getting busted totally off-panel, for growing pot. But this new batch of pot growers aren’t the sort of genteel dabblers who can afford to live in the same zip code as the Spencer-Driver clan; they’re no doubt tougher rural types, connected to both larger drug cartels and inner-city distribution networks, heavily armed and not amenable to soft, rich, big-city types literally stumbling onto their turf. Or maybe their hostility will dissipate once Avery negotiates a multimillion dollar deal for them to appear in their own reality TV series on the Discovery Channel, Real Farmers of Mendocino County.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/26/12

“For instance, you can still love someone even if they snoop on other people’s conversations, always assume that anything negative you say is about them, and get all pissy about it!”

Beetle Bailey, 6/26/12

Desperate to save his only friend from the horrors of war, Sarge tries assigning Otto to desk duty, despite his illiteracy. But the General knows that the Army needs bodies for the front line — and doesn’t care what species those bodies are from.

317 responses to “LITTLE KNOWN DRUG FACTS: Marijuana is super cushy”

  1. nescio
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    The next time I see someone who needs to calm down, I’ll say “Relax, Marmaduke. We have ants.” Hopefully that will distract them from their problems.

    Zits: I’m guessing “Preventing fatherhood” will wrap up the series on Saturday.

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    A3G: Can you imagine these two ninnies as parents? “Look, Scott, something yellow is leaking out the bottom of this baby!” “Do you want me to rub your back, Nina?”

    MW: “If I get sick, it won’t be from air travel—it will be from your warm, moist breath down my neck every minute.”

    MT: Why are all Elrod’s cave entrances so very vaginal?

    SM: Spidey has the proportional petulance powers of a spider.

    JP: Sam could go into the lucrative medical-marijuana business now, except that known pothead Abbey might use up too much of his product. Someone hide the brownie mix!

    FC: Daddy can’t wait to get the hell out of there, while Thel looks longingly out at a world that doesn’t revolve around big-headed mouth breathers and their malapropisms.

  3. Chareth Cutestory
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Its nice to see that the camera strap and 3-D glasses have also survived Avery’s panels-long tumble down the hillside.

  4. teenchy
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: I know nothing about this strip except for what I read here (and haven’t really bothered to learn more, sorry) but can someone tell me when this strip is supposedly taking place? Is it like A3G’s alternate 1960s New York City? I’m confused by the little girl with the Swahili name but the 1950s hair and clothing (to match the mom I’m guessing).

  5. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW:What is up with Wilbur’s face? It can’t be a natural shadow because Dawn’s face is unaffected. Has her never-ceasing negative Nelly-ing finally brought Dark Wilbur to the surface? (The main difference between the two being that Dark Wilbur doesn’t bother pretended to solicit Dawn’s opinion before making unlateral decisions about her future. Also, Dark Wilbur prefers Dijon to mayo.)

  6. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MW-And so Dawn secretly expresses her repulsion to Wilbur.

    A3G-”If only there was some class we could have taken so we would know what to do in this situation.”

  7. Lost in Dryden
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Thanks a lot Josh. Thanks for making me realize that because of this website I have been reading Judge Parker for _years_ now, and I will never get that time back. Time to find a marijuana-filled ravine and throw myself off the edge….

  8. Dartpaw86
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: All this time I thought Sarge would be the one to have the talking stomach.

  9. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#2):

    Those are the only vaginal things Mark will go in.

  10. Dennis Jimenez
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    JP – That’s it – if this strip is going to engage in this blatant political advocacy, I’m tuning out (at least until the tits come back)….

    H&J – Oh, yeah and you’ll get hair around your muffin….

    BB – Um, something about how the General and Sarge like Otto cuz he likes to do things, doggy style….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  11. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    JP-Only a nature writer will be able to help Avery now.

  12. Horace Broon
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    A3G Given both her expressionless face and her demonstrated intelligence, I like to think Nina isn’t really moaning and groaning, but is saying “moan … groan …” because she thinks that’s what you’re supposed to say. If Tommie doesn’t get here soon, she’ll say “mutter … grumble”.

    JP: I’m not sure why Avery felt necessary to qualify the fact he’s alive with the fact he’s breathing, but he probably shouldn’t admit to the latter, in case he later has to claim he did not inhale.

    (Also, the big Hollywood mogul doesn’t recognise drugs when he sees them? Further evidence he’s a big phony.)

    Zits I’m no electronic engineer, but I’m 97% sure that wouldn’t work, and would probably damage the phone.

  13. Pyzimber
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MW:“If I get sick, it won’t be from the air travel. It will be from this insipid storyline. Or Faux Jesus behind me trying to make a move.”

    A3G: So Nina is turning into every stereotypical pregnant woman who ever gave birth, and Scott is turning into every stereotypical first-time dad who thinks that a backrub will ease the pain of a woman about tho shoot a living thing through her vajay-jay. Yeah, can’t wait for the next three weeks of strips here.

    JP:“Help! I’ve stumbled into a Mark Trail plotline! How can I escape the WOLVES!”

  14. Mark B.
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    I have to be impressed by Avery’s sunglasses. They’ve bobbed all over the place, but they stayed on his all the way through falling down a mountain and landing in a pot patch.

    I wonder when the growers are going to show up and tie him to a tree. I’m guessing sometime in the next couple of days we’ll see a couple of baddies run past being pursued by a grizzly bear. Avery then can get into their abandoned plane and fly directly to the fishing camp.

  15. odinthor
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Agnes. — Win (as usual).

    Condorito. — It’s unironically nice to see that, even with all of the progress civilization has made, the rolling pin maintains its ascendancy as weapon of choice among disgruntled wives. Hm. In the world of comics, do we ever see a rolling pin actually in use for its bread-making purpose? I can’t recall an instance.

    JP. — See? I told you it didn’t mean anything unless he said, “Aaiieeeee!”.

    Mister Boffo. — They call them the “Golden Years” because everything is stained with urine.

  16. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Archie: “Knock it off, Moose. You’re not fooling anybody.” Who is he trying to fool? And about what? I feel like Archie could have said, “Knock it off, Moose. There are no penguins in the park,” and it would have made as much sense.

    BC: Bungee jumping. In the middle of a flat, featureless terrain. Somehow I don’t think life and limb are being threatened here.

  17. pugfuggly
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    ASM “In that case, I’ll just be webbing off!’ Petey is so hurt, he’s just going to go home and spend the night consoling himself with his spider-hand.

    A3G My guess as to what Tommie will do when she gets there? Call a @#$*ing ambulance.

    MT “Yup, he’s right there, thrashing around helplessly under that bear!”

    MW My advice to Wilbur: ditch that sad sack in Schiphol and have a nice vacation without her.

  18. kkarenb
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#10): Re: JP – I doubt that this will turn into some knid of political advocacy. More likely it will involve the pot growers throwing money at Sam.

    A3G – Oh, come on now! Apparently in her training to be a midwife, Tommie skipped the class that discussed medical malpractice and the likelihood of being sued if a delivery doesn’t go perfectly.

    All-purpose comment regarding Mark Trail, which can be used at any time for any story:
    Can this possibly get any more stupid?

  19. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#9): Mark Trail, like so many other nature deities from ancient myth, lies only with the Earth (who then typically gives birth to monsters).

  20. Spiff Bereft
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    BB: When Gen. Halftrack says, “How fast does he type?” he means, “Does he put out? Because I can’t afford another sexual harassment suit from Miss Buxley.”

  21. Esther Blodgett
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    JP: Fat movie producer falling off a cliff into a marijuana patch FTW!

    Beetle: Somewhere, Snoopy looks on and thinks, “These kids and their ‘keyboarding’ skills. In my day I could bang out an entire novel on my trusty Olivetti manual in a week, as long as the kibble kept flowing.”

    C’Shaft: No, no, no! The correct sound effect is “pew pew pew.”

  22. Doctor Handsome
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Isn’t Avery from Hollywood? Because literally, my 87-year-old Conservative Christian grandmother who considers pot a deadly narcotic could identify those plants. What must he think when his fellow execs are blowing huge rails of yayo? “That’s sure an unorthodox way to ingest Pixie Stix, but godblessit, this is one high-energy pitch meeting!”

  23. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    New Pop Culture’s Kids is now up!

    Nina’s heart is full, her head is spinning…. wait, that’s not allowed, is it?

  24. lorne
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    A marijuana grow op? I hope it’s in a vaguely-defined public park and tended by poorly-motivated goons. PLEASE let this be the long-awaited Judge Parker/Mark Trail crossover!

  25. brendancalling
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    The Luann icky teen sexabration continues apace. I may have to vomit soon.

  26. Pozzo
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    “You’ll know you’re mature when you can stretch a fortune-cookie platitude over four panels.”

  27. Mark B.
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#22): It’s all good, he’s Avery has found another supplier to keep Woody Harrelson’s trailer supplied when he films the Sam Driver movie, which is going to make him sign for a much more affordable sum. Plus he found a shortcut to the lake. Unfortunately, he left his tackle back at the truck with Sam.

  28. Mark B.
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#27): Need more coffee … too many scrambled comments this morning.

  29. Doctor Handsome
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Also: cushy/Kush-y. I see what you did there.

  30. TheDiva
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    JP: Wow, I think we found the only movie mogul in the world who doesn’t know what cannabis looks like. And since these actually look like pot plants and not vaguely leafy green blobs like in Mark Trail, he can’t even use the bad art as an excuse.

  31. Ned Ryerson
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    JP: That suspicious guy from the Post Office (a cannabis kingpin, no doubt) is going to make Avery squeal like a pig. How will Sam profit from that? Perhaps, Avery will grant Sam a lucrative executive produce credit (and up front participation deal) in the upcoming blockbuster The Chambers Affair (starring Randolph Scott as the Judge and Clu Gulager as Sam Driver) after Sam skewers the kingpin with a fishing rod.

    (That previous JP pot escapade was 5 years ago?? What have I done with my life?)

  32. Mark B.
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    I’m beginning to suspect that there is no pot patch, and this is all a hallucination brought about by a blow to Avery’s head, and it’s going to turn into a ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’/Peter Max style dream for the next couple of days.

  33. Vince M
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Luann – never thought I’d be saying this, but hey, what’s that wacky TJ up to?

  34. Illustrator Steve
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MT – Nothing says, “I’ll tear that idiot with the rifle apart limb by limb!”, better than an old grizzly who’s been shot repeatedly in the ass multiple times by the same ricocheting bullet while trying to catch a few Z’s in his cave.

  35. Doctor Handsome
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    “My wife is implying that she loves me? How incredibly off-putting. I’m understandably rankled.”

  36. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Edge City: It’s true. In Toronto, the park taken over by the Occupy movement was actually in better shape after they left than it was before they came.

    Of course, the volunteers who did such a wonderful job were from landscape companies who were so horrified by the state the park was in after the Occupiers left that they gave of their own time and and material to fix it up again.

    And yes, there were people who took charge.

  37. Doctor Handsome
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    “How fast does he type? More to the point, how the fuck does he type?”

  38. geekwhisperer
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail “Firing a few shots into the cave will make the person cowering inside come out here where we are trying to kill him,” said no one, ever.

    JP has obviously slid sideways into the Trailiverse. But, of course in this case the bear-inhabited cave Sam and Avery hide in will be Mother McQueen’s gold mine and the pot field will a profitable medical marijuana grow facility that they will be awarded the deed to through a nebulous off-panel transaction.

    ASM* and now we’re on an empty stage arguing after having been humiliated by the clown-asshole guy who interrupted a play and then drove off in a duck car. Superhero, everyone! (*may not actually be amazing)

  39. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#19):

    I knew you were talking about Rusty before I even clicked that link. Besides Rusty is Mark’s adopted son.

  40. TheDiva
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    9CL: No seriously, who the hell talks like this?

    A3G: So in the space of a few minutes, Nina has gone from lying on the floor in unbearable agony to sulking on a beanbag chair occasionally muttering “Moan….Groan…” to convey her continued distress. This just keeps getting better and better.

    C’shaft: If Crankshaft tried that with either of our cats, they’d tear his lower arms to ribbons. I hope he tries it with our cats.

    FW: Funky will be taking over the “smug asshole you want to punch in the face every time he opens his mouth” duties while Les is on vacation.

    Luann: Careful, Luann, you’re starting to act a little forward. You don’t want to be branded an evil harridan like Tiffany, do you? (What am I saying, Luann could kick puppies and eat kittens and Evans would still present her as a model of teen girlhood.)

    MT: Exit, pursued by a bear.

    MW: More importantly, don’t look at the seat next to you where your dad is packing away the plane’s entire stock of snack and meal options.

    Pibgorn: TL;DR: “Tee hee, sex!”

    SM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! The proportional petty jealousy of a spider!

  41. UncleJeff
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    DT: Monday — a cliff-hanger with off-panel gunfire.
    Tuesday — the Chinless Wonder and Mumbles plan to leave the strip.

    Luann: Ick. Ick. Ick.

    Gasoline Alley: We take a break from the unresolved kitten story to catch up on a few ancient movies with the ancient Skeezix.

  42. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury-Duke and the exiled dictator need to get better lightbulbs since they are always burning out.

  43. Marc
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- “If I get sick, it won’t be from the air travel. It’ll be from the smell of that gaggle of hobos who we are going to be sharing a cramped plane with for the next 15 hours.”

    Mark Trail- “That’s it Trail, come out! We have you surrounded, give it up. Roar and growl as much as you want but an avid environmentalist with a gum wrapper is no match for a bush pilot with a musket.”

    Luann- 10-12 is two hours, not three. So not only can Luann not sing worth a shit, but apparently basic math skills are above her level as well. Couple the blatant day to day discrepancies with the sickening tee-hee awkward non sexual crap and you have the makings for one loooonng week.

    A3G- I can’t wait until Tommie shows up so all three of them can marvel at how they are all wearing the exact same thing.

    JP- Not normally a Judge Parker reader but with how this guy is an orange haired Danny Devito, I’m going to read the rest of this arc like it’s an episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

    Cranky- Ed Crankshaft: Wreckless bus driver, destroyer of mailboxes, noted animal abuser, and all around asshole. At least he got that cat off of that oversized novelty book before it pissed all over it.

    Funky- Fat Funky was all proud of himself until he realized he was too dumb to remember to take his possessions out of the car before he turned it in. Steve Earle CD is just a cover for wallet, passport, deed to the house, and the secret recipe that makes Montoni’s shitty pizza so addictive.

    Hi & Lois- More proof that Lois is a joy sucking mega-bitch.

  44. Downpuppy
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    MT : Hey! Let’s fire a couple pointless shots at rocks so Mark will know where we are & …. Profit!
    Only the dumbest thing in Mark Trail today because it’s the only thing in Mark Trail today.

  45. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    BBailey: The General wants to send Otto to Arfghanistan.

    H&J: Well, she is talking about him, and he has a right to be “pissy” about it (unlike most men in pop culture who sell out their gender for sex). His rights end on the listening-in-on-private-conversations, though. I mean, what does he think he is? Nixon?!

    JP: Oh, who cares about the marijuana — THE BLATANTLY CHARMED LIVES OF THESE JP JERKS WIN AGAIN! Logic be damned! I will say this: at least we know what Woody’s been smoking when coming up with this crap. Not only does the endless luckier-than-God-ultra-wealthy-slobs thing push beyond all reasonable expectation — AGAIN! — but now the strip is blatantly advertising the furshlugginer drug, turning this strip into a Bizarro World Chick Tract! Aw, hell, the entire culture is a reverse Chick Tract for us non- pot fans these days!

  46. S.Stout
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Luann: In what universe does “10 to noon” mean at least three hours? That’s right, a really stupid one.

  47. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Send lawyers, guns and money. Abbey get me out of this.

  48. Doctor Handsome
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    “…when you know all of someone’s faults and love them anyway. I’m not talking about you, by the way. We still really wish you were a boy.”

  49. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I’m not up on the nuances of this strip. Is Avery saying, “Cough!” — maybe as a way to sort of politiely announce his presence to the friendly growers after his surprise entrance — or is he actually coughing a singular cough?

  50. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    BB: He can only type one word per minute. Without thumbs, he can’t hit the space key. It’s one word with 300 letters.

  51. Uncle Lumpy
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    JP: Avery’s on his tush, in the Kush.

  52. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    JP: What an unexpected turn of events. I would have thought Avery was going to land safely in a pile of money.

    Avery Blackstone: Dwarf or Hobbit? Discuss.

  53. Cleve Barrister
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW: “No Dad- what’s going to make me sick is being trapped next to you while you inhale countless mayonnaise sammiches-extra barf bags pu-leeeze!”

    JP: Cross-strip opportunity: Maybe SM can send “Mary Jane” to help

  54. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    I think Herb is pissed because he looked in the paper and found out that they dropped his strip. How meta.

  55. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Oh yes, there will be profit beyond measure for the Spencer-Drivers and their affiliated friends.

  56. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    After Brooke McEldowney’s non-commital off-and-on attempts at a Near-Miss-o-palooza (as in FW Summer of ’94), the whole Near-Miss-o-palooza concept can officially be retired as Judge Parker offers its equally aggravating replacement: Improbably-Constant-Avoiding-All-Deserved-Bad-Fortune-Due-To-Undue-Privilege-o-palooza.

    Okay, the name needs work, but there it is, unfortunately.

  57. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Three hours later. *Puff* “So, Sam, as the Man, how do you ever stick it to yourself?”

  58. Jason1981
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    S-M: “He tried to protect me from a clown. You only tried fighting two gods to save me, so of course I’m taking his side.”

  59. KreatureFeatures
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail will seek safety by coming towards the hail of bullets? Brilliant! I did not know flushing your opponent from his hiding spot worked this way.

    Can the villains from Mark Trail visit the Luann comic strip, and flush Luann and Quill from Luann’s home using this same technique? With uranium-tipped armor-piercing bullets, please? Thank you.

  60. Irrischano
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Unbeknownst to Sarge, the General is using “dogs” in a racial slur sense.

  61. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Dilbert: ROFL! I had to look closer to see the iNose properly, but this is wonderful.

    IP: meta-win.

    Lio: yup. origin story.

    NAoQV: I hate it when that happens.

    SBp: he’s been cut OFF! *gigglez*

    Bizarro: /facepalm. shares a concept with Dilbert.

    JUMBLE: *wild applaz @ Larsonian cows*

  62. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    JP-After falling from so high Avery is going to get high again.

  63. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . . trippin’ balls. [*]

  64. KreatureFeatures
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @geekwhisperer (#38): Sorry, geekwhisperer, I just discovered that you already posted a comment with the same general sentiment as mine at #59. And Josh beat me to my other planned comment about Judge Parker. Everybody here is just too quick for me.

    But no one else implied that Luann and Quill should die in a hail of bullets, right? That idea’s all mine, I think. And here’s a JP comment that I didn’t use: “Another fine argument for legalization.”

  65. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    H and J-You’ll know your mature when men start paying attention to you and your shirts don’t fit right.

  66. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”I have a loaded cat and I know what to do with him.”

  67. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#57):

    Re: “Judge Parker: Three hours later. *Puff* “So, Sam, as the Man, how do you ever stick it to yourself?””

    Six hours later. “Wow. Well, you’ve thoroughly answered my question, and the accompanying demonstration certainly went above and beyond – literally. I’ve just seen things I can never un-see. I’m going to have to burn this entire pot patch and hope that I can inhale enough to keep the nausea under control.”

    Luann – Nope, not even inhaling the entire output of the state of California can keep the nausea under control. I never thought I’d long for the days of sitting in that pot patch watching Sam half-seat a Road Queen.

  68. Ross
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Zits: I’m wondering if this noodling around with goofy uses of coat hangers is all foreshadowing for a very dark turn, when high school Pregnant Girl is forced to use one in a back-alley abortion due to her state’s policies on sex ed and access to contraception. Though she does look far too late in her pregnancy for all that.

  69. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    ASM: This plot is so mind-numbingly boring that even Jericho Brand is starting to nod off at the end there. “Hey, MJ, wake me when we finally get an audience again, ‘kay?”

  70. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#16): BC: Bungee jumping. In the middle of a flat, featureless terrain. Somehow I don’t think life and limb are being threatened here.

    Maybe they dug a really, really deep hole. That would be fun to jump into. @TheDiva (#40):

  71. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#40): “9CL: No seriously, who the hell talks like this?”

    People in John P. Marquand novels. Just been reading H.M. Pulham, Esquire.

    // It’s good, really.

  72. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#70): Or found the one in Crock. Could this be the BC/Crock crossover none of us have been waiting for?

  73. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    DT: Isn’t that interesting? Joe Staton and Mike Curtis share an office at Mr. Crime’s headquarters! Names on the door and everything. These guys do serious research. I wonder if Chief Patton lets them use a cube at police HQ?

    NS: “A grizzly! Maybe he can help!”

    Rose is: From Dictionary.com – There ought to be a law!

    please [pleez]
    don’t [dohnt]
    laugh [laf, lahf]
    at [at]
    me [mee]
    in [in]
    my [mahy]
    life?[lahyf]
    jacket?[jak-it]

  74. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    you really otter get a different Designated Driver. (running off with keys, apparently it’s not just a ferret thing, but a weasel-clan thing.)

    ikkle lap dog. NOT!

    Krypto has a breed change.

    ocelittle, squeealot.

    *invites bb,u to lunch*

    double stinksquee.

    meanwhile, in England.

  75. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    I’m off for my interview in Toronto to see if that marketing analysis I’ve been working on for a week ends up landing me a job. Although I’m nervous, I’m fully confident that if any questions about comics come up I’ll be up to the challenge.

    See ya all later.

  76. Dennis Jimenez
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): OK, now were going to do a little word association – just say the first thing that comes to your mind… Shattering Swans….

  77. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Spiff Bereft (#20): BB: When Gen. Halftrack says, “How fast does he type?” he means, “Does he put out? Because I can’t afford another sexual harassment suit from Miss Buxley.”

    I always assumed that Gen. Halftrack was assigned to Camp Swampy in the first place as punishment for screwing the pooch.

  78. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#74): Mmmmm….. soup……

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): Good luck! Just act like Sam Driver, and someone’s bound to throw a lucrative opportunity at you!

  79. Esther Blodgett
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): Unless your competition is a typing dog in an Army uniform, you’re a shoo-in! Good luck!

  80. btown
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Mary: Has anybody noticed Wilbur’s more-than-passing resemblance to Supreme Court Justice Nino Scalia?

    Perhaps this explains Wilbur’s Italian connection, as well as his strict constructionist ideology

  81. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Hey, Greg! I know a boy over in Mark Trail who would love to go fishing. Negotiate a trade, maybe?

  82. Erich Clapton
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): Buenos Suerte!

  83. Santa Royale With Cheese
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    JP: (Seven hours later) Screw Tom Hanks, we’ve got enough here to hire Doug Benson!

    (Made ya Google.)

    S-M: “And just so you know, Mrs Parker, your husband has decided to sleep on the couch tonight.”

  84. Jim North
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    BB: Despite the fact that both of their statements are dog related, it really seems as if Sarge and the General are simply spouting random sentences at each other in some desperate attempt to emulate camaraderie of some sort. My guess is that things are still rotten as usual in the Halftrack homestead and the skids have been hit between Sarge and Beetle, meaning that this is actually an awkward first date between two lonely, heartbroken men. After a short round of unusually unenthusiastic small talk over Otto’s rather remarkable achievements, it’s off to Cookie’s mess hall to drown their respective sorrows in whiskey and donuts. And then finally some sad, pathetic sex behind the latrines.

    Crank: We take our kitties without extraneous comment ’round these parts, Crankshaft. You have a lot to learn from 9 Chickweed Lane. Which is a sentence no rational person should ever have cause to utter.

    DT: Duck and cover! They’re going for their checkbooks!

    Luann: tee hee hee hee!

    Phantom: A couple of face-stabbings doesn’t count as evidence, right?

    S-M: Having completely forgotten about the whole Spider-Man and Clown-9 thing that had been going on, Jericho has gone back to trying to smell Mary Jane’s hair. “Ssssnnnniiiiiiff! Oh my goodness, that is divine, I must say!”

  85. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    JP: Poor Avery. The foreshadowing has let us know that there’s a flash flood coming, and now when it hits he will be tied to a tree.

    SM: The best part about Spidey’s getting whupped by Clown-9 and then immediately afterwards getting shot down by his wife is the fact that a TV crew has been filming the whole thing, so now we can watch it over and over again on YouTube.

    A3G: Nina responds with the most apt reply ever to the warning, “Tommie is on the way.”

  86. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: “Thank heaven for these bushes. Who knew I was going to fall into Woody Harrelson’s backyard?”

  87. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#30): His glasses are the exact same shade as the plants. To him, it’s all white.

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#77): which explains why Otto is scared. . . .

  89. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    …it’s off to Cookie’s mess hall to drown their respective sorrows in whiskey and donuts.

    Ulp! Whiskey and donuts. I think I’m gonna be sick.

  90. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#yy97):

    “Add to your list of ‘fat’ people who wouldn’t turn heads today: Nero Wolfe. Described as “a seventh of a ton,” that makes him a bit less than 300 pounds.”

    It gets worse; in at least one of the earliest books he is described as “an eight of a ton.” But Stout later settled on a seventh, yes. (Stout created Nero Wolfe, who is stout, while Spike Milligan, who was thin, created Grytpype-Thynne. I don’t know if any of Luke Short’s characters were especially stunted, though.)

    Shrug (who also weighs a seventh of a ton; perhaps this has caused the sluggishness which has put me so far behind on my snark reading the last few days)

  91. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#90):

    “It gets worse; in at least one of the earliest books he is described as “an eight of a ton.”

    Well, not *that* much worse; it was an “eighth” and not an “eight.”

    Preview Is Your Friend. (You wouldn’t want Nero Wolfe to say “Pfui” at you.)

  92. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    I’m beginning to wonder where the hell Avery fell from. He was on a mountain, he fell for half a week, and ended up in a flat field?

    Drug guy #1: Someone’s been in our plants!

    Drug guy #2: That’s one-a them crop circles! Them space-shins want to tell us somethin’.

    Drug guy #1: Why would they fly ten billion miles to tell us “a fat ass was here”?

  93. The Cynical One
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Wow, Spider-Man is hitting a new low. In the course of few days, he:

    * was defeated by a clown with a duckmobile and laughing gas (who doesn’t have any superpowers);
    * needed his wife to save him from being unmasked;
    * tried to act all macho and pick a fight with an actor (who also does not have superpowers);
    * sees his wife defend the poor shmuck from his (empty? maybe the actor could defeat him in a fistfight) threats and acts all pissed off;

    Tune in for the next developments:

    * A dog will bite him in the ass while he bitches and moans;
    * He will be mugged on his way home (successfully);
    * At home, MJ will finally get tired of his bullshit and file in the papers for a divorce (Joe Quesada will finally be avenged!)

  94. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Jim North (#84): Why would Halftrack take on Sarge when Lt. Dipshit is obviously so hot for the General? He’s got to think of the rank disparity here.

  95. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @The Cynical One (#93): Maybe he’ll get bit by a non-radioactive spider and whine for a week as his arm swells up like a cooked sausage.

  96. Mikey
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Can’t wait for the aftermath of the upcoming Mediterranean desert island plane crash in which Dawn is forced to survive off of Wilbur’s decaying corpse. “Life is brutal! Pass the ketchup please.”

  97. UncleJeff
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#91): A couple of years ago I interviewed a professional football player and he told me that he was “getting fat.”
    I asked him what he meant. He looked awful muscular and “cut” to me. He told me he was 6-5 and weighed 305 pounds.
    And by “fat”…he meant he’d just measured his body fat and it was 4%.
    I guess the lesson here is that there is a difference between “heavy” and “fat.”
    On the other hand…I was at a Twins game a couple of weeks ago and the flab of the guy who squeezed his large butt into the seat next to me actually oozed up and over the arms of his chair and my adjoining seat. Fortunately he left after a couple of innings when his provisions (three hot dogs, a plate of nachos and what I assume to be a “diet” soda) were consumed.

  98. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    some advice for Sally and Ted:

    “When planning Roman-Patrician-and-slave themed sexual roleplay with your husband, make sure your teenage daughter and her friends are out. The ensuing situation can be awkward to say the least. #LFMF”

  99. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Jason1981 (#58):

    “He tried to protect me from a clown. You only tried fighting two gods to save me, so of course I’m taking his side.”

    That really happened? For as much sense at that story made, I’d assumed that MJ had chugged two bottles of Robitussin and freebased some web fluid (you know these actor-types) and that in reality she was watching Peter struggle to hook up cable and satellite on one TV. Then again, I should know better than to try to make sense of a Newspaper Spider-Man story. Live and learn.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#73) re DT: If so, it could mean Staton and Curtis are the moles!

    @btown (#80): Maybe Nino should write Ask Wendy while his paisan Wilbur is away. It’s bound to be a thousand times more entertaining than anything Mary would muster.

    @seismic-2 (#85): As fun as watching it on YouTube will be, I’m looking more forward to seeing Inside Edition‘s segment: “Sulktacular Spider-Shame.”

    @Hogenmogen (#95): I’d prefer it if he were bitten by a radioactive sausage.

  100. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#56): Aha! I thought of a better, more pithy name. It’s:

    Privilege-o-palooza ’12!

    Covers all bases (money, power, bragging, implausible luck for them, no other pupose for each day’s JP anymore, improbable book deals, improbable movie deals…..)

  101. Government Cheese
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    JP: Why does Avery look like he’s in the middle of some masturbatory thought in each panel of this plot?

    Luann: I’m convinced that none of these characters know what their sexual organs are used for.

    MW: Ok – so look at the guy on the far left and the guy on the far right of the second panel. I’m not sure why the guy on the right is so pissed off, but the guy on the left looks like they are boarding a flight for an Italian truckers conference. I can’t wait to see how they draw Italy – it will probably look like the interior of an Olive Garden.

  102. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#yy188):

    “I believe the largest part of Australia has a tropical climate, with no real winter to speak of.”

    I managed to get snowed on during my last trip to Australia, in 1981. Admittedly (a) I was in the Blue Mountains and (b) it only snowed for a few minutes and then melted, but still I appreciated the Oz weather trying to make this Minnesota boy feel at home.

    Climates are thoughtful that way. During my first year of graduate school in 1967, I got to call home and explain I’d be a day getting home for Christmas, since Tucson AZ was snowed in. (Spoiler alert: It melted.) (The snow, not the whole city.)

  103. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#89): Actually, it sounds like a lovely combination, to me. I may try it for an after-dinner snack tonight.

    Whiskey and donuts. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

  104. boltgirl
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Hmmm, I managed to drive my new Jeep off the lot because the dealer took care of the title, registration, and all the paperwork for me. Now I know that “planning ahea…” is defined as BUYING A NEW VEHICLE IN AMERICA. Thanks, Batiuk!

  105. NoahSnark
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Alive and breathing is the minimum standard to meet before burning and inhaling.

  106. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @boltgirl (#104):

    It’s a lease. The title is still held by the dealership Funky is returning the car to. The registration is required by law to be with the vehicle at all times, along with proof of insurance. So, Funky didn’t really do jack to ‘come prepared’.

    You could walk into a car dealership with a suitcase full of cash and no trade-in, and you still won’t make it out of there in under three hours. “We’re cleaning the car right now!”, “Ok, Simonizing, now we offer a deal where we will….”, “Alright, we just need to get the State Inspection finished and we should have you out of here in another hour!”

  107. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#103): Sorry, I had a flashback to an unfortunate experience with that combo. Hmmm. Now that I think of it there may have been some sardines in tomato sauce involved as well.

  108. Dennis Jimenez
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#78): I’ll bet they’ll ask, If you could be any Norse demigod, who would you be?

  109. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#30):
    I know – geez.
    Considering that Woody is a ‘head, Danny DeVito is a Phishhead (All these connections to Cheers! Weird, eh?), and the likes of Lorne Michaels, Aaron Sorkin, and Oliver Stone have taken ‘shrooms, this not knowing seems HIGHLY unlikely. ; )
    Just take a bale’s worth and bring it home to Abby! She’ll make you all a nice roast chicken dinner with brownies for dessert as a reward.

  110. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#99): “Bite My Radioactive Sausage” would be a good name for a band. . .

  111. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#89):
    Deep fried whiskey-now there’s one that Charlie in California hasn’t tried to make yet … or deep fried cannabis balls.

  112. The Fake Macoy
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    A3G – “It’s okay, Nina. Tommy is on her way.” Not only is that one of the most wrong statements ever, I love how impatient Nina is. If only there was some sort of emergency medical service. Something that could get cars/people to move out of its way. Something faster than Tommy making her way over.

    MT – You guys are all nuts, Mark Trail is brilliantly written. It accurately gets across its environmental message by depicting a world in which heavy metal pollution has severely destroyed people’s ability for rational thought.

    Phantom – Punching someone in the face – too much evidence. Stabbing someone repeatedly – no one will ever know!

  113. CanuckDownSouth
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#106): Huh. I did a testdrive, trade-in, looked at & refused options for extended powertrain warranty, filled in extra paperwork to get the yearly tags through the dealership since they were expiring soon, wrote a cheque for the full amount, and left with my newer used car in about 2 1/2 hrs a month ago. All I had to remember to bring was my title.

  114. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#81):
    Now this whole “we’ll go fishing by the time you turn thirty, Rusty” is starting to make me feel sad, and a bit pissed off.
    What if someone actually did this to a poor little kid? It’s so very passive-aggressive.

  115. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#113):
    I know you’re down Sud, but in English Canada, does the Auto Society keep your title? When I registered and tagged my car in Quebec, the local SAAQ office said they keep the hard copy titles on file (which is nice as I don’t have to search from hell to high water to find it if/when I need it).

  116. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#47):
    WZ always loved da ganj. RIP man. : )

  117. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    9CL:
    Plus points: Charmingly humorous joke today.
    Minus points: Thesaurus word search.
    Evens out.

    HotC: Al Jaffee says, “too wordy”.

    Lockhorns: Well, at least we settled who would kill who first.

    Luann: Irrelevant, Aussie. You won’t have any sex now. You’ll never have sex. This is “Luann”, don’t forget.

    MW: “No, I meant of you, old man!”

    Popeye: “C’mon, Popeye! Doesn’t that give you fond memories — of early Famous Studios?”

    RMMD: Foster had a poisonous relationship with his wife, who is a terrible human being and sick and tired of him — enough to push his drunken ass down the stairs to his death. And she was there, perfectly positioned to do the deed.
    So…. yeah, it was The Mob.

    S-M: MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ! MJ!…

  118. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#111): The deep fried whiskey is possible. At the Texas State Fair last year they had deep fried beer. They make a rather large ravioli and pour beer in it, seal it up and fry it. I see no reason that whiskey can’t be substituted for the beer.

    But it seems like a waste of good whiskey.

  119. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#116): How was Sam to know Peaches was with the Russians, too?

  120. JennyGee
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    See, I’m just going to ignore all of the squicky “tee hee sexy sex talk that will lead to nothing” in Luann and just wonder why Luann is dressed like a rodeo clown.

  121. Dale
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @boltgirl (#104):

    If you have a trade-in, the dealer will want the title to it.

  122. CanuckDownSouth
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#115): I honestly don’t know – I never owned my own car back home. A quick google about Manitoba’s title & sales indicates something about using the back of your registration card, so that could be one of Quebec’s idiosyncrasies.

  123. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#118):
    Och Aye, just use Paddy brand from Ireland – it’s not too pricey, and is good in coffee (and I don’t even like hard booze for the most part).

  124. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#101): I can’t wait to see how they draw Italy – it will probably look like the interior of an Olive Garden.

    Do they have Olive Garden restaurants in Italy? They recently started building Taco Bells in Mexico.

    // And what about breastaurants? Do they have a Tilted Kilt in Scotland?

  125. aprilglaspie
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Pastures of Plenty.

  126. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#118): Instead of beer and ravioli, use Scotch and haggis. How do you think Prof. Ian Cameron maintains his impressive figure that he so proudly flaunts at Charterstone pool parties? Deep fried whisky, I tell you!

  127. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#y154):

    “Seems to me that today’s Slylock Fox (which I mistyped as both the quite timely “Skylock” and Shakespearean “Shylock”) and Archie fit together nicely.”

    In my deadtree paper yesterday, SALLY FORTH and GARFIELD fitted together very nicely — Hilary in the former squealing with excitment over the arrival of “Jon,” while GARFIELD, printed immediately above it, featured Jon Arbuckle making an especially hideous face.

    I think Hilary could do better, is what I’m saying.

  128. jerseygull
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    A3G: So let’s get this straight. She’s refused an ambulance so her idiot husband — who apparently has not seen to it that she had any prenatal care during her pregnancy — doesn’t call one anyway even though he thinks she’s in labor? I shudder to think what’s going to happen when the baby actually pops out. These idiots might try to put it back in.

  129. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#103): Donuts are quite the trendy dessert around here right now, so it’s unlikely that anyone would look at you askance.

  130. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#129): ” Donuts are quite the trendy dessert around here right now, so it’s unlikely that anyone would look at you askance.”

    In DC? Really? Is it a kind of Michelle Obama backlash thing?

    // not intended to be political…

  131. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#126): Frrrry me oop a scotch ‘n haggis. That be a good lass now.

  132. Lynn
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Of all the realistic-art strips, Phantom really has superb art. The first two panels of today’s strip are very stylish. The third panel, not so much: Ghost whose panties are bunching up.

  133. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#130): Really. In fact, wossname, Ecureuil Ecumant, seismic-2, and I shared an order of quite tasty dessert donuts when we met up. And I had some lovely cardamom-flavored donuts a while back, too.

  134. Snarkotix Addict
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#118): I see no reason that whiskey can’t be substituted for the beer.

    Grease fire. But isn’t excitement always a welcome addition to a gourmet meal?

  135. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#y246):

    “. . . my reading of 18th century biographies/novels leads me to conclude that pretty much everybody was in debt in those days. It’s very puzzling.) Ironically, when he did earn some money from his poems he refused to take it, because earning money from work would have compromised his status as a gentleman.”

    Yes, everyone was in debt throughout the century. The common folk managed to eke out a living by taking in each other’s washing, but the aristocrats, as you note, could not lower themselves to do that, so they had to survive by taking in each other’s dirtying.

  136. Lenoxus
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#76): I’ve been a longtime reader and even I had to Google that one.

    For the record, as of right now, a search for “shattering swans” gets five hits total, of which four involve the same except of text: a music review which states that “Gray Area‘s hushed synths and amp hum are rudely interrupted by shattering Swans-like guitar discords”. (The Swans are a band, I guess.) I had to remove the quotes and add “site:joshreads.com” to get the right page. Now you know!

  137. Snarkotix Addict
    June 26th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    FC Which explains why Daddy is a workaholic.

    FC Which explains why Mommy is an alcoholic.

    FW Steve Earle? Funky? Nah, doesn’t fit.

    MT Moves pretty fast for a bear who has just eaten a wildlife journalist.

  138. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#137):

    MT Moves pretty fast for a bear who has just eaten a wildlife journalist.

    The bear enjoys a snack of gorping good “Trail” mix.

  139. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#94): On the other hand, you’ve got to remember the old military saying — A good Sarge with worth at least 5 butter-bars (2nd lieutenants).

  140. Snarkotix Addict
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

  141. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#106): You say the truth. I’ve walked out of dealerships twice in the past 10 years with my “suitcase of money” because they couldn’t seal the deal in under 3 hours.

    (Admittedly, I did eventually (the next day) purchase the car in both of the above cases, but both times I made the sales manager grovel.)

  142. Cloudbuster
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @jerseygull (#128): Ugh! It’s naked, it can’t talk, and has no manners! It can’t be done yet!

  143. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    MT: That bear is going to be pretty irritated at whoever is disturbing his sleep by shooting at him. Better toss him a stick of nicotine gum to calm him down.

  144. Arabella
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    JP: Now why would we expect a Hollywood mogul like Avery to actually be familiar with the appearance of cannabis in its natural growing state? He only sees it in dried, ready-to-use condition, after it’s procured for him by his minions.

  145. Renee J
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    MT- The only way this storyline could get even better is if someone kidnaps the bear and Rusty gets pinned under another car.

  146. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Phantom – So, he is turning his Skull Ring backwards, because otherwise the mark it makes might give away the fact that he is The Phantom and not El Anonomoso. But, he is still wearing his Phantom costume, complete with mask and stripey underwear. Won’t that be a bit of a giveaway?

    “But, they will be fighting in the dark, using sonar to guide their fists! So his opponent won’t see the costume!”

    Then why wear it? What if he has a flashlight? Or gets thrown through a window and lands on the grass outside, as tends to happen in these kinds of encounter? Or just reaches up and accidentally grabs the Phantom mask in the dark?

  147. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75):

    Don’t forget to bring along your grizzley. Maybe he can help.

  148. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Agnes – Again, I would give a hell of a lot to have Tony Cochran’s gift for phraseology.

    A3G – I’m pretty sure there are species whose males just knock ‘em up and take off forever, and whose females dump the eggs in a hole and book it, that are still not as clueless as Scott and Nina. Ten bucks says the baby comes out and they mistake it for a Cabbage Patch Kid.

    C&B – God damn is this strip great.

    DT – And at last we come back to the Locher days of goofy spectacle and incoherent mutterings!

    Dilbert – Hee.

    FW – Only two strips into this storyline and I’m already rooting for Cell Phone Girl to show up and total this one. (What is that, anyway? It’s like a clown car minivan.)

    HTH – So, uh, they’re invading England to fight the Celts? When do we take place, again?

    JP – Oh please let Peaches have some brownies…

    Luann – I know I say this at least once a month, but this has to be illegal somewhere, right? Where is that and how do we trick Greg Evans into drawing Luann there?

    MT – Dust clouds on loan from Barney Google & Snuffy Smith.

    MW – I think this may just be the least appealing airport I’ve ever seen.

    NAOQV – I think I’m probably happier not having any idea what they’re referring to this week. I already think about the total annihilation of the human race plenty.

    Phantom – “Can’t leave any evidence I was ever here! You know, like him seeing me in my standard Phantom outfit and looking not in the least like El Guerrero Latino.”

    Ripley’s – Sexualizing bananas is creepy enough in the usual fashion, guys!

    SM – Christ, what an asshole.

  149. geekwhisperer
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#64): The similarity of our independent reactions proves their veracity. Science!

  150. geekwhisperer
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): Good luck! If you run into trouble deploy the sleeping bear!

  151. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#76):
    Counting Crows!

    (I know about the original Shattering Swans, actually – poor Mare)

  152. endless sky
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    I’m constantly amazed by how up to date and cutting edge this place is. I first heard of The Tilted Kilt here a few days ago, and now “breastuarants” are all in the news. Thanks, folks, for keeping me ahead of the curve. (No pun intended)

  153. Lynn
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Why, Dr. Box! “…he is still wearing his Phantom costume…But, they will be fighting in the dark…Then why wear it?”

    This strip does appear in family newspapers, you know.

  154. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Three hours to make…. music.

    Quill: What was that pause?

    Luann: I was going to say “make wicked-cool frog costumes”, but then I realized you aren’t Gunther.

  155. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    … and there are no such things as wicked-cool frog costumes.

  156. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#130):
    In NYC, it was cupcakes for a while, due to Artie Lange and the HS show (Crumbs always brings them tons of free cupcakes on Wednesdays-looks like one Crumbs cupcake would land me in the nearest dialysis clinic)

  157. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

  158. CanuckDownSouth
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#146): especially since he’s *used* the Guerrerro costume with latin skintone bodypaint to fight the criminals Ernesto’s not well enough to wallop yet! Why abandon a good plan and disguise when you need it most??

  159. Dennis Jimenez
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#147): And if things start going south, you can always yell WOLVES!!!

  160. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    FW: Way to maintain your aging Hippie cred Funkman! Trade in the wrecked VW Bug for a safe Volvo and overplay your hand by invoking Steve Earle. Drag out your Fillmore West t-shirt, Birkenstocks and fat jeans and you’ll leave us no future doubt.

  161. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @S.Stout (#46):

    “Luann: In what universe does “10 to noon” mean at least three hours? That’s right, a really stupid one.”

    In the Luann universe, the fall daylight savings time changeover happens in June, and in mid-morning. This is because “June” does not have an “R” in it; usually that just means when you can/cannot eat oysters, but nobody in LUANN likes oysters anyway, and when they tried stewing apples like cranberries, they found out they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does, and a lot of cartoon characters only have four fingers per hand, so what’s one more or less? The higher, the fewer, that’s what I always say, along with “Time flies, if you have a really good stop watch and nothing more interesting to do.”

    I hope that’s clear now.

  162. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    JP: Oh my. Those look nothing like pot plants, but I have a feeling that’s what they’re supposed to be. So let me guess, this story will end with Sam inheriting the plants just before cannabis hits a 30 year high (heh-heh) on the NYSE?

    MT: “Boy, it sounds like Trail’s gained a lot of weight in the twenty minutes since we last saw him.”

    MW: Isn’t “If I get sick, it won’t be from air travel” one of those things you have to be Bette Davis to say? Preferably while blowing cigarette smoke in some guy’s face?

    C-Shaft: Ah, if only cats could talk. This one could tell Crankshaft he’s an idiot, and it’s not a cute kind of idiocy.

    Agnes: I’m curious about the goth Mr. Potato Head resting on the dresser.

    BSt: It’s kind of scary when the incomprehensible hijinx in Ballard Street make credible headlines.

    Garfield: No one involved with creating this strip has ever seen a cat, a creature that is considered mythical by most of the Paws, Inc staff.

    GA: Much as I like Jack Benny, I have a bad feeling that we’re just being distracted while Slim goes down to the river with a bagful of Lucky.

    F-: And on the lighter side, a father and his two sons are stranded in the frozen wilderness with no food. Apart from each other, when the time comes.

    S-M: Who knew that the proportional pettiness of a spider counted as a superpower?

    M-Dawg: Oh, like Marmaduke couldn’t take down an exterminator who tried to gas him. Like he hasn’t eaten scores of their hearts.

    H-Cliff: “So shouldn’t we, like, fly away or something?”
    “Nah, this has gotta be a dream. You can’t die in a dream.”

    OBH: Not sure if Ruthie is picturing a centenarian Dustin Hoffman in a dress, but I know I am.

    A3G: Bolle drawing first panel: Dammit, I have a feeling that pregnant women gain weight, but where? I’ll just draw Nina normal and hope nobody notices.
    Bolle drawing second panel: Of course! The extra weight goes on the armpits. Okay, let’s get to work.

    DT: Who’ll win this shootout? Littleface is the hero in this scene, but James Bond movies teach us that you get an edge by wearing a dress jacket and cummerbund.

    Phantom: Now watch him carve a skull mark with the knife on Victor’s forehead. Old habits are hard to break.

    FC: If there’s a time to ask that question, it’s probably while PJ isn’t taking a dump at Bil’s feet. As is, this seems like Example A of “Why daddy works in another state with a nice long commute either way.”

    Momma: Which is why we need to keep ants from voting, I guess?

    Blondie: Blondie gets taken by a grifter pretending to be Mark Knopfler.

  163. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    MJ: He did try to save me from Clown 9.

    SM: Clown 9 said he was here for Jericho, not you. So he protected you from no danger whatsoever.

    I’ll just be webbing off now. I’ll clean up the mess later.

  164. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’m just thinking a billionaire could do better. A lot better. Blondie, Abbey better. Hell, even Edda with a muzzle or Margo in chains better.

  165. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Luann: The difference between three hours and 10 to noon equals the DeGroot seniors walking in on Quill frantically avoiding sex.

  166. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    JP: I suppose this will trigger Avery to hire Woody Harrelson to play Sam in a hemp suit.

  167. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    Snuffalufagus Smif, of the West Virginnie Wooly Mammoth Smifs*

    This, folks, is why people should watch their blood pressure:
    When others can visibly see the effects and ignore the tell-tale signs.

    *eh. why not?

  168. Hogenmogen
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#162): JP: You actually want to inherit a commodity when it hits a 30 year low. And, the Chicago Board of Trade is a more active market for commodities than NYSE. Just trying to keep this blog erudite and sophisticated.

  169. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#148):

    Ten bucks says the baby comes out and they mistake it for a Cabbage Patch Kid.

    Ten bucks is also how much Margo will spend to buy the kid on eBay.

  170. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#153):

    Best to keep things covered as much as possible, even in the dark. You never know where that skull mark is going to show up….

    “Dr. Box”

    I was buckling my 5YO stepson into my car for the first time in a few weeks recently, and he saw the first aid kid in the back seat. “Wow! I didn’t know you used to be a doctor! That’s cool!”

    He was so excited, I didn’t have the heart to go into “well, yes, but not that kind of doctor”, so I just confirmed that I was, indeed, a doctor and tried to let it go. But he wouldn’t let it go. “Did you used to work in an office?” “Yes, I did” “Did people come to see you when they were sick?” “All the time!”

    “Did you used to be a nurrrse first?” – even in the 21st century, and from a kid who has been surrounded by a wide variety of gender roles his whole life, he still had it in his head that nursing was for girls and was somehow not proper for a male.

  171. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 26th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Archie: I think what Moose is “not fooling anyone” about is the idea that he can put both feet up on a 1-1/4″ bicycle top bar.

    A&J: Characters like those in panels 3 and 4 make me wonder if this strip is set in some sort of post-apocalyptic Planet of the Apes-type dystopia, only with basset hounds.

    DT: So, we finally find out what happened to Rose Is Rose‘s Mimi after she grew up and got that sex change!

    GA: Really? I didn’t know they made Super-8 film projectors with remote controls. Meanwhile, across town, Skeezix’s dad Walt settles in to look through a slot in a spinning drum at a kinescope of a galloping horse.

    Zits: I, too, doubt this would work. But he had to update the tech from the original “Improving your TV reception” strip he lifted the idea from. This isn’t Archie, you know.

  172. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: “Mustn’t Skullmark him”? Either he means not leaving an indent with that wee little ring or something much darker about not leaving his DNA (no matter how much he wants to).

  173. UncleJeff
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: So, he’s turning his ring backwards to avoid marking the crime boss.
    With “Mythbusters” proving you can’t imprint the skull onto a forehead with a blow without cracking the skull in half….there must be some sharp edges on the skull insignia in order to make it visible in your opponent’s flesh.
    So — wouldn’t it hurt like hell if you smacked someone in the face and the skull face squeezed back into the palm of your own fist?

    Oh hell. Call the local lucha libre promoter and get him to help settle things in the ring. It’d be less painful and somebody would make money off the thing.

  174. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    As The Wilbur Turns

    Dawn: “If I get sick, it won’t be from air travel.”

    [FREEZE FRAME]

    //No, Dawn, when it comes to inducing nausea, air travel is a distant second to the swelling of Wilbur’s head.

  175. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#168): I guess it’s a matter of whether you’re going to hold onto the stock or sell it right away. I was picturing Sam as doing the latter. Point taken on the CBT, though.

  176. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#175): Honestly I’ve never seen Sam to be so picky about what or when he inherits/receives/has fall into his golden lap.

  177. wossname
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133): They were delicious, weren’t they? But IIRC, the key to being stylish is to call them beignets rather than donuts.

  178. Lynn
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    170, “nursing was for girls and was somehow not proper for a male.” – Tommie will soon be explaining this to Scott and Nina.

  179. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (#136): I’m not a big follower of the Swans, but I know they were (are?) an art-punk band who came up in New York around the same time as Sonic Youth. Gray Area is a new one on me.

  180. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    Jumble-aya*

    If you saw a cow walking about on her hindquarters, without the equivalent of a bra for her utters, would it be wrong to stare?

    Or, would you just freak out that somehow Gary Larson has the power to influence reality so much that you’d see cows fully participating in society.

    *or, Aiyeeee! It needs more cowbell!

  181. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    The Lifestyles of the Rich and Aloof

    This is all some sort of fevered, drug induced nightmare which someone is having. Since the focus of the “Girls from Apartment 3G” is about this privileged couple that seems to prove some sort of axiom that “being stupid and privileged results in exclusive membership” you would think that either Scott or Nina is sedated.

    So, what is being shown is not actually happening. Her forearms are not hiding her enormous belly because the enormous belly is not there. The subtly shifting background is not actually there.

    The only thing real is that green, gigantic potato chip bag shaped, butt eating monster Hallucination Nina is sitting upon.

    //go figure.

  182. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    I kind of wish Batuik would just scrap the entire strip and launch a comic strip called Funky Frankenstein. He could even have a sidekick call Crankore* as far as I’m concerned.
    If Batuik is good at what he does then he could make it work out splendidly.

    *not crackwhore, Crankore.

  183. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#164) wrote:

    A3G: I’m just thinking a billionaire could do better. A lot better. Blondie, Abbey better. Hell, even Edda with a muzzle or Margo in chains better.

    Problem being, they don’t make muzzles big enough for the cavernous maws of Burber women, nor chains strong enough to hold Margo.

  184. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#183): All I know is that I saw Margo in Chains open for Ozzy in ’92 and she killed!

  185. Señor Tortilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro: Gee, Dan Piraro thinks technology is inherently a laugh riot!

    Crankshaft: At least 9CL treats cats fairly.

    Luann: Oh no. Evans really is going to release another video! Run for it!!

  186. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Shall I rub your back, honey? I mean, that is how you deliver a baby, isn’t it? Damn, now I wish I has gone to one of those classes!”

  187. sporknpork
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    “Uhuru, you’ll know you’re mature when the perimeter of your eyes expand beyond the edges of your face.”

  188. Winnie
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    H&J: I only see this strip when it is featured here. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MOMMY’S EYES? Is she supposed to be hyperthyroid?

  189. seismic-2
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Wilbur Weston take note – guys with bad comb-overs can score sandwiches from hot blondes, just by saying they’re in a rock band.

  190. Winnie
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#187): It’s true about great minds thinking alike.

  191. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#110): I concur, but only if Clown-9 can krump to their music.

    @aprilglaspie (#125):
    It’s down a mighty hard hill Avery’s fat ass has spilled,
    His soft hands have handled only room service bills,
    Out of his Range Rover and downward he bowled,
    Into ganja fields so dank and ready to be rolled…

    Anyway, before we jump to conclusions, we must entertain the possibility that he fell into a bootleg spider plant operation … And now that we’re done doing that, we can get back to the Mark Trail comparisons, “Copperhead Road” allusions, and name-checking celebrity potheads (Robert Mitchum, for instance).

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#146): I’ve been questioning the Ghost-Who-Makes-It-Up-As-He-Goes’s critical thinking skills ever since he decided that the Python was too dangerous to be left in prison, so he broke in and gave the man a gun and a free shot. Wait — I can’t remember if that was before or after he broke into prison to free Diana and looked in every cell but the one she was in so he had to go back — and then there was the time he had Captain Savarna lay down some artillery fire as a “diversion,” which he then proceeded to ride directly into and through on horseback … so yeah, someone needs to teach him to at least outline his plans before putting them into action.

  192. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#177): Or zeppole or bomboloni.

  193. Sans Sense
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Today’s The FC says it all. Chubby Dolly in a hairbun and a muumuu graciously letting Billy say the first stupid thing. Billy overestimating his self worth, again. Jeffy about to ask Daddy where donut holes come from. Daddy about to administer some scalding hot coffee to PJ for pissing on his shoe. Thel looking wistfully at the hot guy across the street. I think next time, instead of just parking right on the front stoop, Daddy will just back in so he can get the ‘F’ out of there sooner.

  194. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Crank: Bite ‘em! Bite ‘em!

    FW: What CD is that? Steve Earle’s Greatest Hits, Special “cancer” Addition??

    Luann: “Tee Hee Hee! Tee Hee Hee! Tee Hee Hee!”…………..cripes.

    MT: ………Is this really going on?

    MW: “If I get sick, it will be in your lap…”

  195. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#148): “Ripley’s – Sexualizing bananas is creepy enough in the usual fashion, guys!”

    Hey, it worked for Chiquita Banana:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhif_hPP56A&feature=related

    Did you know Chiquita Banana’s sexy mascot was designed by Hägar the Horrible creator Dik Browne in the 1940s?

  196. Señor Tortilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#118): Apparently the beer is a bit thicker when it comes out of the deep fryer, and it’s more of a stuffed pretzel.

    If you’d like, you can order 200,000 pieces at wholesale prices.

  197. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Phantom — By turning his ring backwards, Kit will trick Victor into thinking he’s ehT motnahP!

  198. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Winnie (#188): I think she’s suppose to be wearing glasses.

    Unless she’s Barney Google’s offspring.

  199. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#198):

    bingo!

    It is just drawn badly. Though, I state that not knowing if the strip is usually drawn better. But, I’m gonna take a guess the guy who does H&J can do better than this. He just isn’t.

    I mean look at the those (sometimes) flipper hands. If the strip is about people/seal hybrids, cool. Otherwise, aaargh!

  200. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#137): Steve Earle? Funky? Nah, doesn’t fit.

    It’s a misprint — Funky left his “Best of Steve Urkel” CD in his old car.

  201. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    judgeparker
    After the rousing worthwhile adventure that Mark Trail and RangerDanger Tom Martini took between pancake benders, I would’ve been fine if that chubby fellow who fell into the “wacky cabbage” patch had plopped into a non-sensically placed vat of vanilla pudding.

  202. Snuggs
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    I must be pretty childish, because I hate Herb for every single one of his faults, including his weird-ass mustache.

  203. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#194):

    Oh. This is what I get for commenting on FW without reading FW.

    So, the gentleman car buyer featured in the strip is a Steve Earl fan, eh?

    Now, I won’t go the “cancer” route on Steve Earl–whether or not he has it–
    but from what I recall about Earl, he may be hanging out sharing needles with Dagwood as they both try to achieve hearing those “scratching noises” which Dagwood is jonsin’ to hear.

    //no one has seen Dagwood today, have they? Of course not.
    //of course, I keed. Steve Earl is probably “clean” , as they say, and probably has been for years.

  204. Señor Tortilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    The Mark Trail bear is not drawn totally awful today, and not at weird close-ups, either. I second the person who said the other day that Mark Trail should be on the back of the grizzly riding it like a bronco. Giving a play on “Hi-ho, Silver” would be a plus.

  205. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-If they really wanted to get rid of Marmaduke they wouldn’t send in an exterminator. The entire neighborhood would be gathered together armed with torches and pitchforks.

    A3G-I figure we will spend the next few days showing you in “labor”. Sunday we will do a summary of what has happened during the week. If traffic isn’t too bad Tommie should be here by the middle of next week.

  206. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Snuggs (#202):

    That doesn’t look like what is technically a mustache. I think those are mustdots.

  207. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#86): “Thank heaven for these bushes. Who knew I was going to fall into Woody Harrelson’s backyard?”

    Gag works equally well with Avery falling into Tommy Chong’s backyard.

  208. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#204):

    It is potential eye candy like that image of a hard charging bear backed Mark Trail that makes me wish to see this all animated.

    The dude would look hilariously menacing and it would totally require an awesome soundtrack that would be based on the kickass theme song that only Mark Trail deserves.

    dumdiddy dumdiddy dumdiddy dum

    Mark Traaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

  209. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#207):

    Are you predicting Tommy Chong will rescue this guy by lowering his bong so that he can be pulled out of that potpit?

  210. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#101): I can’t wait to see how they draw Italy – it will probably look like the interior of an Olive Garden.
    Remember the “Tour de France” part of PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE? Oo la la.

    @Borborygmy (#124): They recently started building Taco Bells in Mexico.
    Well, Mexicans like exotic foreign cuisine, too. “What the hell’s an enchirito, Chuy?”

    @Arabella (#144): He only sees it in dried, ready-to-use condition, after it’s procured for him by his minions.
    And anyway, the stuff looks like ditch weed. I’m sure any reefer he gets had buds the size of a Bud can and was grown inside, under halide lamps.

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#146): So, he is turning his Skull Ring backwards, because otherwise the mark it makes might give away the fact that he is The Phantom and not El Anonomoso.
    No, that’s on his other hand. He’s turning around his “Not” ring, which has a slashed circle embossed on it, and he makes sure to hit him with it in the same spot.

    @commodorejohn (#148): I think this may just be the least appealing airport I’ve ever seen.
    There’s an in-country one in Beijing that’s pretty much a huge bus station with airplanes. Made me darn glad I carry a fan.

  211. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    AD – When did Curls change his name to Curl?

    Beetle – Ha ha the dog types. It’s funny because he’s neither Snoopy nor Marmaduke, or even Bitsy out of Marfield.

    Dennis – Reminds me of an odd incident at a thrift shop in Cheyenne. A little boy (toddler) made a fuss over a teddy bear. His mother said it was his teddy bear and he’d recognized it, and she bought it for him again. It was none of my affair, so I couldn’t ask why the bear had ended up in a thrift shop in the first place.

  212. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    F- – Size B batteries are useful if you have a TransOceanic portable tube radio. I remember seeing some in a similar set a friend had. Looks like a cardboard box somewhere around four inches high with screw terminals on top. I suppose antique radio shops would sell them. Do they have any applications in contemporary electronics?

    Henry – Good lord, the kid’s insatiable. Should have named him Randy.

    Judge – Hmmm. Palmate clusters of tapered leaves with fine veins. Yeah, I’d thank heaven for a few of those.

  213. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    love is… – That’s a rich harvest. I’ll bet I know what makes it grow.

    Mark – I’ll bet that ol’ bear doesn’t understand their hostility toward him.

    R=R“Pleez dohn’t laff at [sic] mee…”
    Oh, don’t worry, kid. Don’t worry your head about that at all. No, that is the last thing in the world you need to worry about.

  214. Dennis Jimenez
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#207): Or Willie Nelson’s – and then I’ll bet he’d help get them, “On the road again!”

  215. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#212):
    Normally I don’t know whether to laugh at that character Henry or whether I should feel sorry for him.

    Today, the choice is clear: for the first time I laughed at him.

    That just looks funny.

  216. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#198), @tallyHO (#199): Oh sure, make catty comments about googly eyes and flipper hands — and totally ignore the fact that Herb has the thickest, most luscious nose hairs this side of Snuffy Smith.

  217. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#210): “Scribble, scribble, Mr. Gibbon…”

    At Deans. 2nd best King George III joke I’ve ever heard!

  218. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#191):

    Re: Phantom

    Given the limits of the superhero genre overall, and of the daily comic strip format, I think The Phantom does a pretty good job in general. He actually often does superheroic things, and does them with confidence and style. So if he orders an artillery strike, then rides headlong into it, or if he hands his rival a gun and dares him to shoot him, that is because The Phantom is a bad-ass with supreme faith in his own abilities. Of course, he benefits greatly by comparison to Spider Man’s daily strip incarnation.

    Still doesn’t explain why he is wearing the costume even though the entire purpose of this episode is for him to not be identified as The Phantom. Or why he lampshades it by making a big deal out of turning his ring around so he won’t leave a mark.

  219. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#216):

    You are correct, sir!
    That is some astute observation.

    He seems to not have a mustache, or mustdots (as I coined) but instead he does seem to have nostril afros.

    If you hadn’t mentioned it…..

    //my god.
    if you said it three times fast it might sound like a nefarious dinosaur:

    nostrifolous.

  220. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Winnie (#188): She’s Marty Feldman’s lovechild.

  221. Marc
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    The inevitable new video from Evans is on it’s way, but I’ll forgive him one randomly selected transgression if at some point during the song Quill tries to sing like Bryan Johnson from AC/DC and blows out his voicebox.

  222. Here come the Judge
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    Garsh, there haven’t been any full, prominent breasts (phone conversations don’t count) featured in Judge Parker for at least a week. Let’s go out on a limb here, and guess that the owner of the reefer plantation will turn out to be a young, stacked, vaguely Middle-Eastern woman with a gun, who will first threaten Sam and Avery (but will of course let them go after she falls in love with Sam).

    Or, it could just be a Deliverance remake, only with a Hummer instead of canoes and Sam and Avery in the roles of Burt Reynolds and Ned Beatty.

  223. Marc
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#187): How would you say “Uhuru” anyways? You-who-roo? Ooo-who-roo? I feel like Charlie from Always Sunny struggling in vain and failing to pronounce luau. It’s driving me a little crazy.

  224. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#216): I thought he was just holding a stogie under his nose.

    You know, safe keeping for later use.

  225. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#224):

    I’ll admit that for the longest time I thought he was pretending to be SplitHitler.
    I despised him so much.

    //i kept that to myself out of shame

  226. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#218):

    Masked avengers who wear rings that leave impressions in villain’s flesh as their calling cards may just get off on the danger/coolness factor, I think — the Spider (the 1930s pulp hero, not the Amusing SpiderWimp of the comics) used to keep his skull ring hidden in the false bottom of the cigarette case carried by his alter ego, Richard Wentworth, and got perverse kicks out of offering the case to his friend/rival on the police force who was already 90% convinced Wentworth was the Spider and was dedicated to hunting him down. Wentworth was also prone to doing things like imprinting the skull image on the corpses of his enemies, even when he (as Wentworth) was on an ocean liner in the middle or nowhere or some such while he (as the Spider) was not supposed to be around at all.

    (My own Secret Librarian Ring has an image of an open book on it, but I take care to smoosh it onto the corpses of my enemies only when my alter ego is already known to be around. But then I’m kind of a wimp as masked avengers go.)

  227. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#223): “Uh-huh-ruh?”

  228. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#227):

    rut ro!

    [/scoobydoifier]

  229. Poteet
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    JP — I’d call bullshit, but in JP, that would be redundant. My former patch of ditchweed was dense and at least eight feet tall, but anyone doing the kind of open-air arm-flailing fall that Avery was doing would still be in total pain after landing in it, not grinning like a fool.

  230. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#218): Fair enough.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#207):

    … falling into Tommy Chong’s backyard.

    Wait — is that a reference to his prostate?

    @Dennis Jimenez (#214): Or Milla Jovovich’s. (Silly, I know. Her boobs are way too small for her to appear in Judge Parker.)

    @Shrug (#226): I still prefer the Shadow’s/Lamont Cranston’s methodology of executing every last motherfucker in the room. With a Thompson .45. At point-blank range. Now that’s a calling card. (The weed of crime bears bitter fruit indeed.)

  231. yaoi huntress earth
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: His dad is doing this to spite him, isn’t he?

  232. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#230): Heh, I was referring to the backyard of his pro-estate.

  233. Dood
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I think Avery’s found his field of dreams. “Is this heaven?” “No, it’s Mendocino.”

  234. Baka Gaijin
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#132): For some reason, “Ghost whose panties are bunching up” made me laugh like a hyena. I guess it’s that I’ve only heard of undergarments bunched, past tense, never present tense.

  235. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#234): “panties are bunching” sounds like they’re alive.

  236. UncleJeff
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    JP: I’m starting to really like Avery (and believing that the folks behind JP are onto us at CC).
    We’ll know for sure if, in the next few strips:
    1) Avery finds he’s only a few feet from a stream with trout leaping out of the water.
    2) He sees an escalator leading back up to the top of the hill.
    3) He and Sam find two women fishing in the stream wearing naught but waders.

  237. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#212): The only other place I’ve seen a “B” used is in old Geiger counters.

  238. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#226): A quibble, but of course Dick Wentworth, Master of Men, left a spider image as his mark, not a skull.

  239. Cloudbuster
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#182): Crank Whore?

  240. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#239):

    Doctor Frankenstein—Egore….Crankshaft—Crankore…..

    I should never bring up Crankshaft in any which way or form.

    I just wanna read about the groovy adventures of Funky Frankenstein.

    oh well, someday.

  241. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#240):
    ^Egore (or, Igor)

  242. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#239):

    Knowing Batuik though, he’d make a sidekick called Cankersore.

  243. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

  244. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#226): I should not care to have an overdue book when Secret Librarian, a seventh of a ton of sinew and muscle and righteous fury, wreaks his Awful Vengence!

    // “OUTSTANDING FINES/PAID IN FULL” is engraved on the heels of his jackboots.

  245. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#244): His “vengeance” is even worse!

  246. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#244): I was a big fan of the Secret Librarian up until they sidekicked him with Periodical Lad.

  247. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#246):

    Periodical Lad was a weekly-nk.

  248. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#246), @tallyHO (#247): Supposedly he was actually supposed to be Periodical Lass, but the editors got cold feet for some reason.

  249. Alison
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    “Herb and Jamaal”: This ink looks very thick and clumsily done. Hurts my eyes.

    “Mary Worth”: Couldn’t they have had this conversation at home? I’m sure Dawn really appreciates Wilbur bringing it up in the middle of the airport. “Hey, honey! if you start barfing from air sickness, I have some pills for you! Just so you know!” Next he will be saying, “Guess what, Dawn, in case you get your period on the plane, I have some tampons in my bag!”

    “Luann”: Okay, I’m curious now. I would like to see how a character would react if one of them did more than just hint about sex. I would be very interested to read a strip where Quill says, “Your parents are out, so this is perfect. I’ve got a condom; where’s your bedroom?” I can only guess at Luann’s reaction but I imagine it would be hysterical babble i.e. OH MY GOD OH GOD WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE JPKHJHCG;LUHKFY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE KLGVGHJX!XN

  250. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#238):

    Yes, of course, The Spider’s ring had a spider image on it, not a skull. My blushes.

    Aside from the Spider and the Phantom, the Skull Killer also used an imprinting ring (and not surprisingly, his did have a skull image on it). He was only around for two stories (in THE OCTOPUS and THE SCORION), though.

  251. Shrug
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#246):

    Periodical Lad is a Regular Fellow and all that, but he keeps getting bound by his enemies. (Or even by his friends — I’m starting to wonder about him.)

    He has a special hatred for Serial killers.

  252. Killa Hydrilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#251): Not to mention that every time Periodical Lad is bound, they cut off his circulation.

  253. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#248): Supposedly he was actually supposed to be Periodical Lass, but the editors got cold feet for some reason.
    During rehearsals, their actress missed a couple of periodicals.

  254. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    @Killa Hydrilla (#252):

    I’ve heard he’s got a good attitude about having his circulation cut off though.

    He says, “LOOK, that’s LIFE.”

  255. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#238), @Shrug (#250):

    And the Parker Brothers’* Monopoly Man (a/k/a Rich ‘Uncle’ Pennybags) used to wear an imprinting ring with a “$” image on it.

    *Randy and Peter

  256. Calico
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#236):
    He finds the Stairway to Heaven!
    Yeah, I kinda like him too! He’s not too pushy for a Hollywood sort, just kinda jovial, enjoying the ride.
    (Which is why I don’t understand his lack of recognition when it comes to these “bushes.”)

  257. Poteet
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#148): Yes, I can definitely see that title in lights on Broadway. SPIDER-MAN — CHRIST, WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

  258. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    JP-The pot growers are going to be so surprised by Avery being there and the fall he took that they will help him get back to Sam instead of tying him to a tree which will force Sam to get help from a nature writer and his pet dog.

  259. Weaselboy
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    “Holy crap, Mary Jane! Spiderman is as big an asshole as your husb… he-e-e-e-e-ey!”

  260. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#257):
    The number with the chorus line kicking it and singing before the Doc Ock Trashcan Band comes onstage is impressive.

    He’s a square
    He’s a douche
    His silent farts
    from his Spidertoosh
    Have done more to deter crime
    than his deeeeeds.

    dada da
    dada da

    webbing da noise
    webbing da funk

    dada da
    dada da

    er. waitasec…..

    forget it. the thrill is gone. I’m not even gonna try….

  261. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    JP-Avery just spent the last few days falling down a hill and there was no fox to save him or offer up obscure advice on the best way to fall.

  262. Mibbitmaker
    June 26th, 2012 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#157): That…. would blow. Miss. Piggy’s. mind!

  263. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#244): Every hero worthy of the name needs a regular rogues’ gallery to go up against — and the team of Secret Librarian and Periodical Lad uphold that grand tradition. Their most dangerous foes include colorful knaves like the Voracious Bookworm, the Terrible Termite and the Sinister Silverfish.

  264. Liam
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    JP-Geez, Avery, I hope you are breathing. Breathing is an indicator that one is alive. I would hate to think that you are alive but not breathing.

    Beetle Bailey-That’s great, General, but do you know what combat is. Have you ever seen combat?

  265. Borborygmy
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#263): Don’t forget their most deadly foes: County Finance Committeeman, and the unspeakable Family Values Censorship Woman!

  266. Señor Tortilla
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#240): Crankshaft eroge?

  267. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#263):

    Okay, the Sinister Silverfish does sound frightening what with the wiggling and sinisterizing he probably does.

    There aren’t many sinister wiggly things that good in the world.

    As for the foes, do they have it out for SL and PL or are they just ardent foes of order, and sharing.

  268. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#266):

    okay. I had to look that up.

    Now, more than ever, I hope this doesn’t involve yanking Crankshaft’s chain.

    //that’s his favorite thing next to someone getting his goat, if you know what I mean.

    And, if you know what I mean, tell me because I don’t know what “getting his goat” would mean to Crankshaft.

  269. Elk Meadow
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    MW: I call that Dawn is pregnant. Pregnancy is in the ink on the comics page. First Doonesbury and it’s abortion arc, then 9 Chickweed Lane with it’s “Juliet was an unplanned pregnancy, and Edda was conceived to rescue a failed marriage” story line, and now we’re going to have Dawn have the baby in Italy. Is she going to a) find a man who will love her and the baby, b) have the baby and keep it, or c) have the baby and adopt it to a nice Italian couple. Any choice, and she’s still not telling the baby’s bio-sperm donor that he’s got a kid.

    Unless he realizes that he misses her and takes the next flight out to Italy and does the car ride from Twilight’s second movie to tell her that he loves her, and only her (yeah, I don’t remember the movie’s title either, but it’s when Alice and Bella drive like crazy through an Italian Lombard street to stop Edward from going all sparkly in the Italian sun).

    Luann: Anyone want to have a poll to see which one of Luann’s wacky friends (or in Brad’s case, family) show up while the discussion is just starting, and, clueless, sticks around?

    DT: Um, what is Kadaver doing with his cape?

  270. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#250): Actually, I’m pretty sure the Spider didn’t use a ring. It was the cigarette lighter itself. Some kind of secret button or catch which would cause it open, revealing a tiny secret branding iron which would glow red hot, and burn the spider mark on Wentworth’s victims.

  271. Elk Meadow
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    Apt. 3G: I know what I wanted to do at that stage–get out of any clothing that was binding me, and pee, pee, pee. Also, she should be up and walking around as much as possible. Has her water broken?

  272. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#271): Has her water broken?

    FRANK BOLLE: “What does that mean? Cripes, is that another thing Marge wants me to figure out how to draw?”

  273. So Big Deal
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    What can you say to a man with a sexy wife and whose name is “Driver” and doesn’t seem to have sex? Yoo hoo! Saaaam!

  274. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#271): Has her water broken?
    Well, her ink broke, leading to speculation about what kind of squid she’d have.

  275. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#267): Real silverfish are squishy, which is why you should never try to grab one with your bare hands. But since no one’s going to take a villain called “The Squishy Silverfish” seriously…

  276. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#263): And Gunther. There is no bigger bane to a library then Gunther in his wormcock costume.

  277. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    According to Ripley’s…

    Interviews Before Execution, a Chinese television show, features personal interviews with condemned prisoners shortly before their execution!

    Oddly enough, there have been no return contestants!

  278. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#267): These particular villains like to infest and/or eat their weight in books. The squishy silverfish frequently ends up an organic bookmark while the bookworm and termite’s mantra is “drill, baby, drill!” (There’s a reason termite poop looks like sawdust!)

  279. Austria
    June 26th, 2012 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    BB: Every time this strip offers a nearly incomprehensible first panel, I like to imagine that everything before it was followed by 5 minutes of silence, and then, completely out of nowhere, “The army uses dogs for combat!” Yes, General Halftrack. Of course.

    Luann: Oh, ew.

  280. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#279): I think Oh, ew would be a better title for the strip Luann.

  281. Sgt. Stoned
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    MT: “I hear somebody moving around in there, and growling fiercely. Must be Mark Trail!”

    JP: Squeal like a pig, Avery.”

  282. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#279):
    beetle bailey

    Yes. Of course!
    Now it makes sense.

    Halftrack asking how many words a minute the dog types just threw me for a loop.
    But, now that you mention what you wrote, it makes more sense.

    Halftrack has a big vision in his head:

    an all dog army.

    In the front office and on the front lines.
    Halftrack is so close to retirement anyway, he probably thinks this idea will get him another half star and hang up the hat after 80 some-odd years in the military. Next up, lots of golf, lots of hidden video footage of Buxley, lots of complaining about his wife’s cooking and many solid naps and many nights of sound sleep because he knows the U.S. Canine Army is protecting his freedom to come up with wacky ideas.

    Brilliant.

    He might even get another half star if the Canine Intelligence Agency finds that there is a country with an all cat army….though, you gotta wonder about the loyalty of such an army.

    If, say, there is a country with an all mouse army, like, say, Ratkistan or Catartica or someplace, the all cat army might fight once in a while.

    oh.
    wait. i did state that this is Halftrack’s half-witted, catsh*t crazy idea, right? it isn’t mine. no.
    not me.

  283. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Sadly, now that I think (too much) about it.

    An all mouse army would invade another country. Even a country like Catartica…which may or may not be overrun by penguins and which may or may not be a country, technically. So, maybe an all cat army would be a good deterrent….

    if you think like General Halftrack, of course.

    //or think like Modern Day Mort Walker…

  284. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#283): I know that Mark Trail would want an all bear army. That would scare the sh*t out of any all dog or all cat army. Practical too. The all bear army would eat the enemy and you wouldn’t have to feed them.

    // One shouldn’t feed the bears anyway. Please do not feed the bears.

  285. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    The Bill of Rights guarantees the right to bear armies.

  286. Poteet
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#260): BWAHAHA!

  287. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#284): No all-cat or all-goose army could possibly defeat an all-bear army:

    http://images.comiccollectorlive.com/covers/c62/c62a08fb-985d-4c85-90ff-b6cda030962b.jpg

  288. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#287): Only in the funny pages.

    That cat isn’t a Sarge. He’s a four star general. No, wait… Well, he’s definitely not a Sarge. No stripes.

  289. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#284): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#285): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#287):

    OK.

    Two Gandy Goose references in one day might be an omen. If it is an omen, then I ain’t gonna be the only one to deal with it….so…

    Feast your eyes on an earlier reference (which is about an internet radio show that airs live Wednesday) It’ll be about Terry Toon cartoons and have an interview with June Foray, the voice of Rocky the Squirrel and other cartoon characters.

    ****As it goes, I was going to bring up an all-bear army but bears are symbolic, just like eagles and lions. So, I stuck with absurd (yet natural) cartoon adversaries while keying off of Halftrack.

    An all bear army would be funny though, except for hibernation season…and I guess if it were an all volunteer bear army that might reduce the number of bears Asleep With Out Leave.

  290. tallyHO
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    I just re-read that “interpretation” of today’s Beetle Bailey that I wrote.

    You just know a Canine Intelligence Agency would claim that some country has
    Hairballs of Mass Destruction.

    //it fits the cartoon logic so why wouldn’t it claim that?

    //and, of course, this is just joking; nothing more

  291. bats :[
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    Not only is marijuana super cushy, it’s also SUPER ADVENTURE-Y!!!

  292. Sequitur
    June 26th, 2012 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#291): Decisions. Decisions. I think I’ll follow Abbey Road. Something in the way she moves…

  293. Poteet
    June 27th, 2012 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    MT — Can you idiots flee at 35 mph? If not, prepare to become part of the bear.

  294. Frozen Broken Bricklike Pixels
    June 27th, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    GA — Now this is what I call a great story.

  295. Poteet
    June 27th, 2012 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — What is this, Offensively-Stupid Cat Owners Month in the comics world?

  296. Poteet
    June 27th, 2012 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    A3G — Aren’t there laws against infant abuse/neglect? Sitting on the kid’s head and refusing to call an ambulance seems to be teetering on the edge of a violation.

  297. Poteet
    June 27th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    JP — He’s not concerned at all about how he’s going to get back up to the road, he’s completely uninjured by his fall, and he’s serenely taking photos of a pot plantation because he thinks it’s a garden. Compared to this guy, Mister Magoo was a keen-eyed worrier.

  298. Dale
    June 27th, 2012 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    Finally, I called one right (specific reference available on request).

    BUT: Would a loud noise outside get a bear to come out for a look?
    Would it come rushing out in attack mode?
    Do bears make leaps like that?
    If the bear targets Mike or Liz, how will Mark save them without shooting the bear?

  299. CanuckDownSouth
    June 27th, 2012 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    And here folks is where we get to see Natural Selection at work with Nina gunning for a Darwin Award by refusing to call for an ambulance even when she can tell (5 minutes after having no idea what happens during labour) that something is going horribly wrong.

    And the headdesks continue with Mary using a computer to do the advice column. Wilbur could be doing his job right now with gogo inflight wifi!

  300. BeckoningChasm
    June 27th, 2012 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    It’s a bit of letdown that the guy from Judge Parker isn’t lying in a broken heap, but then I think the words “letdown” and “Judge Parker” will always be best friends.

  301. Maggie the Cat
    June 27th, 2012 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    A3G 6.27- Oh yeah, “something is wrong”, Nina. Your ladyparts are about to crack wide open and flesh is gonna tear! Behold the ring of fire!

  302. Comcis Fan
    June 27th, 2012 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Turn that frown upside down, daughter who is convinced that life is brutal and you’ll never find love? Now that’s an advice columnist who’s job is secure!

  303. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2012 at 3:53 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#298): Most of your questions can’t be answered, mainly because anyone dumb enough to try those things, wouldn’t live to tell the tale. But if Trail needs to save his attackers, he’ll distract it by waving the rifle and boldfacing at the animal.

  304. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2012 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    Spiderzero: MJ is convinced that she’s such a great actress that her husband believes she is unfaithful to him. She’s forgotten that he’s such an idiot, he’ll always make the dumbest decision.

    Mark Trail: Of course the killers drop the rifle and run. They have instantly deduced that Mark Trail is a were-bear and only maple-syrup bullets can kill him.

    Pluggers: Pluggers know that if they apply modern slang to old-timey stuff, the twenty-first century will go away like a bad dream. And take the twentieth century with it.

  305. Ed Bob
    June 27th, 2012 at 5:09 am [Reply]

    When confronted by a bear, it’s best to drop the gun and run. All good forest rangers will tell you that’s the most important forest rule to live (er) die by.

  306. Little A.
    June 27th, 2012 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: Forgive my French, but this “story arc” is the stupidest piece of shit I have seen in a long time, and this strip has plenty of competition. And it’s drawn lousy, too.

    What more could snarkers want?

  307. John C Fremont
    June 27th, 2012 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    JP – I’m pretty sure Avery is about to find out whether or not he can squeal like a pig.

  308. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2012 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    FW: It took me a while to find the “humor” in this “joke.” Fat Failure Funky is a boozer, a wino, a tosspot and a toper. Put a wick in his mouth and you can use him for an alcohol lamp. Hah hah, alcoholism is like cancer that you can catch over and over.

  309. CanuckDownSouth
    June 27th, 2012 at 7:06 am [Reply]

    Pickles I can barely imagine gramps here being done with school before Chadwick’s discovery of the neutron in the 30s, but to not be taught that there are things smaller than the atom implies that he was out of school by Thompson’s electron discovery in the late 1890s. Dang, he’s spry for someone pushing 130!

  310. Liam
    June 27th, 2012 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#271):

    It was that black inky looking stuff we saw a few days ago.

  311. Liam
    June 27th, 2012 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    FW-I was going to call it White Lightning but that was my porn name back in the Seventies.

    MW-”Oh dear. I have no idea how to operate one of these computer devices. If I knew that it would involve a computer device I would have turned down Wilbur’s offer.”

    MW 2-”Dear Wendy, I need your help. I can’t go on like this anymore. My father and I are going on a trip to Italy together but I don’t want to go with him. He is a creepy man who writes an advice column as a woman, I hate to think what else he does as a woman, and has an obsession for sandwiches. He keeps insisting that we are going to have fun. We are at the runway right now and I am wondering if I should get off the plane right now or hijack it when are in the air and crash it into the ground.”

    A3G-”You’re right I don’t understand. My job in this thing is to put something inside of you not to carry it around for nine months.

    MT-In the back of the cave you will find the mauled bloody body of Mark Trail.

  312. mvg
    June 27th, 2012 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    JP: OK, how many more panels before Pot Grower No. 2 is telling Avery to squeal like a pig?

  313. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 27th, 2012 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#291): Brilliant.

  314. Hogenmogen
    June 27th, 2012 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#293): They don’t have to outrun the bear, they only have to outrun each other.

    But I’d still keep my hands on the rifle. Even if it doesn’t kill the grizzly, it may make it decide to look for a meal elswhere.

  315. Hogenmogen
    June 27th, 2012 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    JP: I want pictures for my fishing journal! I fill it with snapshots of things other than fish without even a body of water in sight. This would make a good story.

  316. gleeb
    June 27th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    A&J: Even Arlo smells a grift.

    ‘bean: The automotive branch of the Happiness Police, no doubt. Quick, drive the car into. Montoni’s!

    Gas: Skeezix can’t make these newfangled contraptions work! Still, no damned kitten.

  317. Chance
    June 27th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75): Good luck Frank

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