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Don’t let them meet, the UNIVERSE COULD END

Apartment 3-G, 9/20/12

Oh, man, Aunt Cathy is quickly vying for the title of Josh’s favorite Apartment 3-G character, non-Margo division. In fact, she’s almost as good at efficiently belittling Evan as Margo is. New theory: “Aunt Cathy” is actually Margo, who, decades in the future, remembered all the good times she had in the early ’10s humiliating her young employee for sport, and then travelled back in time so she could relive the magic.

B.C., 9/20/12

Wow, those mammoth sure are blase about the brutal dismemberment of their friends and relatives. I think that if I stumbled upon an awning made out of human skin, I wouldn’t be hanging around debating the aesthetics.

Crankshaft, 9/20/12

Haha, it’s funny because Crankshaft’s family decided to sell something that was important to him without asking his permission!

270 responses to “Don’t let them meet, the UNIVERSE COULD END”

  1. Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    S-M: “The joke’s on you, Clown-9! This isn’t a regular joy buzzer, it’s a joy buzzer that infects you with anthrax! And those aren’t spectators, they’re plainclothes SWAT! But they’re not firing regular bullets at you! No sir! They’re firing bullets that were purchased using money from your checking account! And I don’t know why I’m still explaining stuff to you, seeing as you’ve been dead for nearly a minute!” The End.

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    BB: What about the side effect of turning your hand into a blobby claw?

    FC: “We’re playing hotel, and we’d like to get back to our mid-day adulterous liaison!”

    A3G: Pretty harsh, Aunt Cathy, considering the boy went to all that trouble to coordinate his hair and jacket . . . and ohmygod, his tie, too?

  3. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    A3G – “She’s been signed for the biggest box-office movie of the year”

    Don’t they have to wait until the film has been shot, edited, and released before they can declare it the Biggest Box Office Movie of the Year? This must be some kind of can’t-miss production like Gigli or Battleship where you might as well just book those box office receipts before the cast has even been assembled.

    Luann – What would compel a middle-aged man to write this strip? Knowing who the author is pushes the squick factor off the scale.

    9CL – And today we have all the worst tropes of the strip: Amos completely overwhelmed by anything even remotely sexual, Edda’s child-like mind, the lack of boundaries between her and Seth. And, of course, the pirana-grin.

  4. Mibbitmaker
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    A3G (meta): Margo Magee WOULD be the type to END THE WORLD!

    A&J: Then the men finally noticed: THEY SUDDENLY HAD NO BOTTOM HALVES!!!

    9CL: With hand sex, that’s practically naked!

    FW: They’re happy again, and Cayla’s turning into Crankshaft. Oh, poopie!

    Cranky: Crankshaft, now at the other end of the sympathy pool (and now a lame metaphor). Even when he’s a legitimate victim, they get exasperated with him. Some day soon…

    Cranky: “Nice morning. How are you today?”
    Daughter and her husband: “What the HELL is WRONG with you, you HATEFUL MALAPROP-MAD ASSHOLE?!”

  5. Dennis Jimenez
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    A3G – So, how is Betty White gonna prank young Kenneth from 30 Rock? Stay tuned….

    BC – And then when I’d just come out of the hairdresser, this nincompoop from PETA threw paint on me….

    Crank – Not Fire & Brimstone, though – that was Anvil’s best album….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  6. AndyL
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    I’m going to start referring to films as “Box office movies” from now on.

  7. Mibbitmaker
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    New PCK is now up!

    End of the exploring storyline, or, Michelle’s Identity Non-Crisis.

  8. anon
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    9CL: Going by the past, Amos has seen Edda in a nightgown about a thousand times, isn’t it sort of ho-hum by now? OMG, she’s nekkid! So F’ing what? If my husband called me from work and I said “I’m walking around wearing nothing but my wedding ring!” he’d say, “aren’t you cold? Make sure the blinds are down.”

  9. Chareth Cutestory
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: While trying to figure out what in the hell Firestone Christmas albums were all about, I could only find 7 volumes–none of which had that black cover. So maybe Crankshaft ended up with a very rare and valuable vinyl collection of flawed artwork, so he would be justified to see it undervalued at a yard sale. But I look at the black album cover and I imagine some unholy, secret arcane Christmas album that was pressed exclusively for members of his bus driving mailbox destroying cult.

  10. Christopher
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Haha, it’s funny because Crankshaft really believes someone would buy those Firestone Christmas albums.

  11. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Fred – “Catch”? Why, Fred, it’s just a chocolate drop, which is bad for you and could shorten your life, according to some dumb old doctors. I think you should eat it! And lots of others, too!

    Herb – “It’s easy to laugh at yourself. The important thing is to laugh at others.” —Michael O’Donoghue.

  12. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    love is… …never being too dazed to grab off a feel.

    Pluggers – So what was he doing in the yard? Spray painting? With the sprinkler?

  13. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I thought those orgasms she was having were real.”

    RMMD-”Seriously. This place has a very terrible foundation problem. The house will actually jump.”

    MW-”You’ve already made a difference to me in my pants,” Jim thinks to himself.

    MT-Now the poachers can kill Rusty and Sassy and sell their gallbladders on the black market.

    FC-I bet they also signed in under false names.

    Sally Forth-Ted, if you finished those shallow graves your guests could be sleeping in the backyard.

  14. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    R=R – The cat had sardine breath, and it wasn’t represented by a bunch of little fish icons floating around? Something’s insufficiently fishy here.

    6 – “I’ve heard of X, but THIS is RIDICULOUS!” The careful strip watcher’s vigil is rewarded by the sight of this hoary old trope outside the confines of Hägar and Archie.

  15. Feral Canadian
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    So the poachers let Rusty hold and comfort Sassy, without laying hands on him to keep him running away again? Sigh

  16. geekwhisperer
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    bc Wait…what? BC is actually representing early homo sapiens in an environment they would have actually experienced, rather than cavorting around with dinosaurs or making lame golf jokes? Is this some kind of alternative energy experiment to see if we can generate electricity from Johnny Hart spinning in his grave?

  17. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Norm – So. Are you having Peche a la Frog, or Frog a la Peche?

    3G – Is Evan supposed to be a golden boy? If he got a little more sun, he’d be an Oscar statuette.

  18. Little Blue Bicycle
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    A3G: In panel two, Aunt Cathy is played by Lady Gaga.

  19. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Too lazy to go back and find it, but it occurs to me now that some additions to the list of cartoons that are simply reprints of old ones would be Archie, Fred Basset, and that one I instantly forgot as soon as I started making this list. It’s not Mutt and Jeff — I believe “print” was specified. Oh wait: Tiger! They’re all just replaying dead cartoonists.

    Crank – To get rid of those albums, they’d have to sell them. Even if they did, you could get another set at pretty much any garage sale.

  20. Holly Folly
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Wait, he’s not dead!? Why else would they be going through his things? Is this normal? I don’t want my friends and family going through my stuff before I’m dead so they can have a yard sale. Are they so hard up for cash that they need to sell his meager belongings on the street? I bet next week is when we find out that one of them is addicted to meth.

  21. Chyron HR
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    BC – I honestly thought Pibgorn would be the first strip to feature an invasion of the hairy penis-headed beasts.

  22. Cloudbuster
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn That loincloth is waaaaay too short. I did not need to see that. Although it appears that the demon is hung like a cartoonist.

  23. Marc
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    9CL- So let me get this straight; that dweeb bag, who has to our dismay, had sex with Edda plenty of times, to the point of a pregnancy scare, still gets all flummoxed like a 12 year old looking at his first Playboy at the thought of her naked? Can this get any more fucked up? Forget it, it’s Brooke. Of course it can.

    A3G- I can’t wait until Aunt Cathy throws her coffee in Evan’s face for being such a screw up.

    Funky- These two deserve to have a flock of seagulls with diarrhea simultaneously shit their brains out all over this wedding from hell.

    Mark Trail- How did that enormous backback just magically appear on Rusty when he clearly was not wearing one in the first panel? Are appearing/disappearing accessories another one of the secrets of the Lost Forest?

    Mary Worth- Jim, if that horribly dressed, snooze fest with the multi colored hair has made a difference in your life over the course of one boring as hell lunch, then you should probably head right from the cafeteria and check yourself into the psych ward. That missing arm is the least of his worries.

    Archie- Archie just got out of prison and his first act as a free man is to walk around with his giant radio and annoy the old folks by playing that god danged rock ‘n roll, heathen music at volume levels deemed unacceptable for a public setting by the establishment. He decided that since jive walking got him thrown in jail in the first place, he had better find another way to stick it to the man. Archie Andrews, rebel without a clue.

    Cranky- I’m a little surprised that Crankshaft hasn’t tied the bitchy old mother in law to a chair on the lawn and stuck a price tag on her.

  24. TheDiva
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Are you kidding? Evan knows how to hype up something with little to no cause–he’s the perfect publicist!

    C’shaft: “You can’t sell these things in our garage sale! We could get fifteen bucks a pop for them on eBay!”

  25. Cloudbuster
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    A3G: Since movies take years to make, edit and market, if it’s a box office release for this year, you don’t need to see her contract, you can see her name on imdb.com, or see her face in the trailers and on the promotional website. You disappoint me, Aunt Cathy.

  26. Remmy
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    9CL: As it has already been stated – Amos is getting hot over her naked? He’s seen her that way HOW many times now? and second, someone please punch that bitch in the teeth.

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#23):

    Re: 9CL – If he gets that flummoxed just at hearing her tell him over the phone that she is naked, then I can’t imagine that actual sex would be very rewarding. Does he just lie there and quiver until she dismounts? Did Edda’s mother reassure her, based on her own experience, that, yes, that is all the man is expected to do?

    We already know that, once she dismounts and leaves the building, Amos just lies there under the sofa cushions in a near-comatose state until Seth drags him out.

  28. mvg
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    MW: “You’ve already made a difference. I’m suddenly hungry for eggplant.”

    RMMD: Brothel. Called it.

  29. bunivasal
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    How can Aunt Cathy possibly feel comfortable criticizing someone wearing a matching suit and tie sewn from their own hair?

  30. Cloudbuster
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MT: Pro-tip for escaped hostages: when you escape from the men who’ve been debating whether to kill you now or kill you later, you don’t go back because they threaten the dog. The dog’s only chance is for you to come back with reinforcements. They’ll kill the dog anyway, when they kill you. Stupid Rusty! (Why do I let myself care?)

  31. Joshua
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#19): Thanks, I forgot about those.

  32. Cloudbuster
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): ” Does he just lie there and quiver until she dismounts?”

    From the glimpses we’ve been shown, that’s exactly what happens.

  33. Ned Ryerson
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Hold it…! You’re not getting rid of the enema bulb or the carafe from a long ago discarded coffee maker!

  34. Beezus
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    “biggest box office movie of the year, Aunt Cathy!”…I am surprised neither Evan nor Cathy is realizing that the biggest box office hit of the year is actually a biopic about Aunt Cathy…. you know, with the movie name and all being Aunt Cathy….oh wait…

  35. Dennis Jimenez
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#33): Crankshaft = Douche’ Bag….

  36. TheDiva
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    9CL: Edda uses the “wait until we’re married” ban (talk about shutting the barn door after the cow left) to mercilessly cocktease her fiance. Quite a catch you’ve made there, Amos!

    FW: It’s too late, she’s started using Les’ puns. Best shoot her in the head now rather than live out her life as a Moore zombie-bride.

    GT: “Sorry, I can’t help it! I’m Irish, which means I’m invariably hot-headed and violent! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink a pint of Guinness and swing me shillelagh!”

    Luann: …I need a shower.

    MW: “Finally, I’ve met someone as fucked up as I am!”

    Pibgorn: That’s not how you wear a Sikh turban.

    Pluggers can somehow tan their back hair.

    SM: Where does he get those wonderful toys? (No seriously, where the fuck did all this stuff come from? Is there a joke shop specializing in dangerous spins on worn-out gags?)

  37. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Crank: “Firestone Christmas Albums”………..yep. They’re real. I looked them up on Amazon. They’re from 1963 or some shit.

    FW: ……………..FUCK………..YOU……….BOTH……….

    SixChix: Nothing like having a giant, Martian testicle hanging from each ear..

    Love is…: Getting grossed out by the latest porn flick at the XXX theater.

  38. Marc
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): I’ve got to imagine that the actual sex itself only lasts about 12 seconds followed by Amos crying for about a half an hour afterwards.

  39. Arabella
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    3-G: Skyler Roan? Bet she’s horsey-faced.

    FW: That was certainly a quick resolution of yesterday’s “conflict”. My only conflict is whether Les should die from a whack of the frying pan, or from a falling maple limb.

  40. The Ghost of Jarrod
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Shaft – Let me stand up and defend the Firestone Christmas Albums. They were, quite frankly, some of the best around. Indeed, the 7th album, which featured perhaps the best version of “Rise Up, Shepherd” ever, was a holiday staple at my parents’ house until the demise of their record player. So yeah, if I still owned a turntable and that album, I would totally be upset that my kids were trying to sell my album, especially if I wasn’t dead yet.

    Rip – When I was writing my mediocre, self-published novel (download it free here!), I at one point had to lampshade the number of times my heroine got knocked out, because it was a lot. Suffice to say, a good helmet is required attire for any self-respecting Man or Woman of Action.

    JP – “Look, I don’t care if he’ll kill you and your children. I want my damn camera so I can impress Hollywood big-shots with a photo of a fish I caught.”

    9CL – Let me second everyone who’s noted that after you’ve been intimate with someone a few dozen times, you’re not going to become a jibbering idiot every time they’re naked. Especially if they’re just telling you they’re naked over the phone, unless you both are going to run with that conversation to its logical conclusion.

    Also, it’s 2012. You’re engaged. Why aren’t you living together?

    PBS – Snuffles, it’s time to start reaching out to your friends in al Qaeda. Also, it’s clear Pastis owns multiple cats.

  41. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    9CL – Today’s strip could be redeemed if Edda actually was naked, with that grin on her face, and if Seth’s head was between her legs.

    “You mean all I had to do was trim it in the shape of the Mona Lisa in order to convince you to finally go down on me? Forget Amos, I’m going to pawn this ring as soon as you’re done.”

    “Shut up. Your constant talking is interfering with my hard-on for your Art.”

  42. seismic-2
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Crank: “Yeah, Dad, we are selling the Firestone Christmas Albums. We know you love to hear them every year, but hey, at your age you might not even still be around by Christmas, right? I mean, old people fall down the stairs and break their necks all the time, and all it would take would be one simple push – er, stumble…”

    A3G: “You disappoint me, Evan, so much so that I’ve blocked the front door with this chest of drawers and will keep you trapped in this room with me until I’ve made you repent.”

    MW: Dawn, if you are really serious about wanting to make a difference in the world, could you, um, maybe start by making a difference in your hair?

  43. Ned Ryerson
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Hold it…! You’re not getting rid of The Longines Symphonette Society Proudly Presents: The Family Library of Beautiful Listening: Christmas in Song: A Gold Medal Presentation, Produced in Living Sound album!?

  44. Wally Winkerbean
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    So, when is this wedding? Better get a move on or that golden dome will be gone with the wind.

    Shows to go you what a real putz Les is. (like we need more of that)

    He doesn’t know when the wedding is, who is coming, and where it is going to be held until days before it happens.

    Hell, he didn’t even help Summer get ready for the life altering event of going of to college with her girlfriend.

    He really needs to get out of the Lisa Memorial Masturbatorium more often.

  45. Alter Ego
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    love is… when the local porno theater upgrades to 3D.

  46. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Crank: How much for that box made of cheese? I want it. I’ll keep it for my collection of floppy DVDs made of bologna.

  47. Balto
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    A3G: AAAUGH! Evan’s face keeps morphing! What the hell is going on with his nose in the first panel? It’s absorbing his upper lip and squeezing his eye shut!

  48. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    BC: An awning isn’t a “snuggie”.

  49. Doctor Handsome
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    “You bet I’ve seen her contract, Aunt Cathy! It specifically says, ‘guaranteed to gross higher than The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises put together,’ IN WRITING. So yeah, it’s pretty solid.”

  50. pugfuggly
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    A3G previously on apartment 3G “I like the fit of this suit. Do you have it in a colour that’s somewhere between mustard and urine? You do? Excellent.”

    BC Just more evidence for the theory that mammoths ultimately went extinct due to an overly philosophical take on life and death. Take note, cave-dwellers…

    Crankshaft “I mean, I don’t play them or even particularly like them, but I’ll be damned if some teenaged hipster is going to buy them and listen to them ironically!”

  51. Illustrator Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    MT – “DON’T HURT HER I’M COMING OUT! But first, let me put this heavy pack on that I had cleverly hidden in the bushes. It’s filled with these funny looking gold colored arrow heads. Here, take a look at them, fellows.They are shaped more like rocks covered with some sort of a gold finish but I think they are old arrow heads”.
    “!!!! HERE, kid! I will trade you this little spotted mutt for that heavy back pack! Whaddiya say, kid? Those old rocks would look great in my rock collection back home!”
    “Hmmm. Well….Okay, but you have to promise me that you will return my back pack to me after you put these gold colored rocks in your rock collection.”
    “Hey fellow sheep killer…aren’t those rocks actually solid gol…”
    “SHADDUP YOU IDIOT! Help me lug this heavy back pack to the truck!”
    “Bye-bye fellows! Thank you for giving me my dog back!”

  52. wossname
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Plug – At first I thought the idea was that his fur got tan. I’m relieved (I guess) to realize that it’s dirt.

    Blondie – Dagwood is an officer manager? Really? Can anyone here recall ever seeing him manage anything or anybody?

    Curtis – Oh crap, I think I know where this is going. Tomorrow, Curtis trips and knocks out the rest of his tooth, meaning his cute speech impediment is gone. Michelle returns to hating him.

    A3G – Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Margo and Evan are publicists. Their clients are people like Greg Cooper and Skyler Roan who wander in babbling about how great they are. Margo and Evan then, with no other input or research, publicize whatever cockamamie story the client told them. Is that right?

  53. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#48): He’s saying “You think THAT’s bad, what about…”

  54. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ha, ha, Crankshaft can’t get no satis-traction if they sell his Firestone albums.

  55. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    A3G: Would a junior PR guy be entitled to see his client’s contract? He’s not a lawyer. So long as the checks keep rolling in to Margo, who cares if she negotiated fresh, white orchids to be put in her dressing room daily? Evan’s job is to make his client appear graceful, glamorous and charismatic – Essentially, everything that he is not.

    All noted, I did get a kick out of Evan’s ultra-trusting nature. “I didn’t ask for identification or proof of her soon-to-be-fame. She was very convincing! Being able to lie convincingly means she’s a talented actress, thus proving her case!”

    But if Skyler Roan was such a hot commodity, why would Margo dump her off on her doofy assistant? THINK, Evan!

  56. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#53): Sorry, I didn’t read it carefully enough.

    Mental note: Dwell and obsess for hours before posting!

  57. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    A3G: No matter how many times I read it, I just can’t receive “You disappoint me, Evan” in anything other than a Darth Vader voice. There must be something wrong with my monitor.

  58. Remmy
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    CRANK: How stupid is his daughter to think he wouldn’t be pissed? Dumb bitch.

  59. Nekrotzar
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    OK, so Skyler Roan has been signed for something called Marvel’s The Avengers, which is apparently the biggest box office movie of the year, even though I’ve never heard of it.

    Of course that movie has already been made, so what exactly has she been signed for? Dubbing the lead female character into Bulgarian? Selling popcorn at the local megaplex? A restraining order keeping her away from Scarlett Johansson?

  60. pugfuggly
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#52):

    A3G – Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Margo and Evan are publicists. Their clients are people like Greg Cooper and Skyler Roan who wander in babbling about how great they are. Margo and Evan then, with no other input or research, publicize whatever cockamamie story the client told them. Is that right?

    I think the shocking twist at the end of A3G is when we find out that these three ladies are actually residents of a psychiatric ward. Every once in awhile, one of them gets the idea that they have a ‘job’ (gallery manager, nurse singer, etc…), so the staff has to set up the common room to go along with whatever fantasy they’ve conjured up until they’ve stabilized. A few weeks ago, Margo pulled a desk into the middle of the room and decided she would be a ‘publicist’, so now the orderlies have to play along, pretending to be movies stars and agents, just so they can trick her into taking her medicine.

  61. Doctor Handsome
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    I didn’t realize Margo was so successful that she can pass off a top-grossing film star to a mentally unbalanced intern who dresses like a banana-themed ’60s Batman villain. I guess I was thrown off by the fact that she still shares a tiny apartment with two nimrods she despises.

  62. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan: Party Pooper for Hire.

  63. Illustrator Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    MT – (Rusty): “Don’t hurt her, I’M COMING OUT!”
    (Sheep killer #1): “Good for you, kid! It takes courage to come out regardless WHAT yer old man will think of you! So what if he banishes you from this desolate place. You can always move to A NEAR-BY CITY SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE where they welcome people like you who have finally had the courage to, as you say, ‘come out’!”
    (Sheep killer #2): “WHAT the hell are you talking about? I think that stupid looking kid only meant he was coming out of those stupid looking bushes!”
    (Sheep killer #1): “It takes courage to come out of those stupid looking bushes! Now, SHADDUP and give the kid his stupid looking little dog and let’s put an end to this stupid waste of everyone’s time by getting out of here!”

  64. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#60): And LuAnn’s six month excusion wasn’t to Dakota, it was to the state of catatonia?

  65. Dave Dahl
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Shaft – It’s funny because I haven’t thought about the Firestone Christmas albums since I gave away all the records when we cleaned out my mom’s house after she died in 2001.

  66. old goat
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#40): The Firestone Christmas Albums were a holiday staple for anyone who lived near Akron, even if they weren’t involved in the tire industry that has long since fled to warmer climes. My dad worked for Ma Bell but somehow we had the entire collection.

  67. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#59): She may have signed for the biggest movie of 2013, since the year is not specified. The part in the film isn’t specified, either, so she could be “Pedestrian #3″, or, if she’s really good in rehersals, she’ll be upgraded to “Woman on Phone”.

  68. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    GF: What’s on second. . . .

    LaCuc: *ouch* that’s pointed.

    SBp: tries for the Poteet demographic, but fails.

    Bizarro: nicely done. *golf claps*

  69. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . trippin’ in 3-D at the adult theatre.

  70. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#40):

    Also, it’s 2012. You’re engaged. Why aren’t you living together?

    As someone who is back on the online dating wagon, you’d (apparently) be surprised that a fair number of women in Wisconsin and Illinois don’t believe in living together before marriage.

  71. Doctor Handsome
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    “They made my brother into a Snuggie™. I’d run for it, but it’s frankly implausible that my tiny stick-ankles are even supporting my massive body weight standing still.”

  72. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: I dunno, Josh. I always imagined that by the time Margo hit her golden years she’d have a laser weapon mounted in one of her eye sockets.

    MT: Upon seeing Rusty again the criminals are paralyzed with fear, and who can blame them? They’d better get moving again soon, though, before Rusty releases his spores.

    MW: “I think you already have… in my pants!”

    WofI: Isn’t that just like a man? He rolls over and goes to sleep right afterwards.

    FW: Cayla correctly identifies Les’ house as a mausoleum, yet still plans to marry him.

    Archie: A better question might be, “Archie, couldn’t you at least have gotten a ghetto blaster with a damn handle?”

    JP: Meanwhile Sam is thinking, “This is a good cup of coffee, but a cheese Danish would really hit the spot about now.”

    RMMD: “Ask for Sandra. She’s Eurasian and I hear she does couples.”

    BB: The Halftracks have a reputation as the “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” couple of Camp Swampy. Anything that compromises that could result in a loss of status.

    DT: Jewel and Joe are on a trip all right.

    Phantom: “What? I’m not getting any royalties from this mess!”

    6C: Breast implants. Ur doin it rong.

    FC: Please tell me that’s not the honeymoon suite.

    DtM: Home. The office. Two places where Henry isn’t having any sex tonight.

    Luann: Back when he did this strip Evans confused George Michael with Cesare from “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.” The resulting poster is about the only thing here that isn’t creepy.

    S4th: “Oh and dad? If you notice anything missing from the liquor cabinet…”
    “I understand, sweetheart.”

  73. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    9CL: Something something naked something. Didn’t want to be left out two days in a row.

    JP: It’s about to get real now, yo, Avery is gonna pony up such a ransom for that camera. Not the photos on it, which leaves room for an O. Henry-esque ending to this arc.

    S-M: Fifty months later, Spidey figures out that “two can play at this game”? Ya know, I’d be more forgiving about this stupid strip if they would have used the ages-old comics trope of having the hero reason out how he lost/keeps losing to the bad guy, and then hitting on the solution. Instead Peter just says “to the circus!” and we’re supposed to trust him that this means something useful. Feh.

  74. bbofun
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    RMMD- Okay, so it’s not REALLY a brothel- we all knew it couldn’t be. This strip appears in family newspapers, after all- think of the children! But I still will be interested in seeing the depiction of it as a “party house.”

    Pibgorn- I can’t wait until we get the “creator commentary” on this new story. ‘Notice how, despite the total lack of other body hair, I lovingly depicted the ‘treasure trail’ ‘twixt navel and nether regions. I may not be the first to do so, but I think it’s important to point it out. Note how it draws the eyes to his crotch.”

    JP- IT’S A DIGITAL CAMERA! JUST DELETE THE PICTURE AND BE DONE WITH IT! Honestly. (Now, how many people think Sam would be able to keep his mouth shut about the massive pot field when he gets home?)

    FW- Well, since the maple’s leaves are already “golden’, you may want to get this wedding in pretty damn fast. Or are we going to have to endure a year of planning and puns? (OH DEAR GOD KILL ME NOW!)

  75. Doctor Handsome
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Cranky’s so cheesed off about the LP’s, he doesn’t even notice that they’re also selling his heart pills and orthotics.

  76. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#60): A few weeks ago, Margo pulled a desk into the middle of the room and decided she would be a ‘publicist’, so now the orderlies have to play along, pretending to be movies stars and agents, just so they can trick her into taking her medicine.
    Reminds me somehow of the TV continuation of a once-great cartoon series. A human, seen neck-down from behind is saying “Okay, Tom and Jerry. In this one, you’re forest rangers and you have to protect a truculent baby eagle that will bite you all the time. Got it?” and the two blank-eyed bowtie-wearing zombies nod, and the cartoon drags on for some period of time.

  77. Marc
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#60): Almost a Shutter Island esque set up.

  78. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Red Tibetan Mastiff. floof & roof!

    meanwhile, in Texas. (for Poteet!)

    words fail me. (bb,u, some help?)

    meanwhile, in Riverdale.

    a little moment of win.

    ikkle platypus. *squee*

    you otter be talkin’ like a Pirate today. AAARRRR!!

    The Daily Puppy is a happy Aussie Shepherd.

    corgibaff.

  79. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#36):

    SM: Where does he get those wonderful toys? (No seriously, where the fuck did all this stuff come from? Is there a joke shop specializing in dangerous spins on worn-out gags?)

    Peter Parker’s deep background – almost never referred to in the newspaper strip – has him being a scientific genius and inventor. I guess his specialty is deus ex machina devices.

  80. Dennis Jimenez
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#72):
    Phantom: “What? I’m not getting any royalties from this mess!”

    *In Bandar Tongue – “AKKKK? Bupkis Mula walla walla bing bang!”

  81. Here come the Judge
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    What Crankshaft may not be aware of is that, at any given moment, every Goodwill store in America has at least seventeen Firestone Christmas albums in stock. They’re right behind the four copies of Johnny Cash’s Live at San Quentin and right in front of the seven copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

  82. frisco1522
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    9CL: Phone sex in the daily comics, how lovely. And of course, in the World According to McEldowney, anyone finding this morally objectionable or even voicing the mildest reservation is (take your choice) a Philistine, a troglodyte, or as Mr. McEldowney would have it, a beefwit. Any hope we had of newspaper editors reasserting control over what appears in their pages pretty much vanished with the astounding assertion by the LA Times features editor that she found “nothing untoward” in the depiction of simulated intercourse between a fully clothed couple on stage.

  83. bats :[
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

  84. Illustrator Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    MT – (sheep killer #1): “Hey, how’s about us not dragging this lame story line out any longer and just leave this place? I think the readers would appreciate it.”

    (sheep killer #2): “Yeah, you are right. let’s drop this gig and wander over to this paper’s section B with all the local news. There MUST be something more interesting to see in the local section rather than continuing with this nonsense.”

    (Sheep killer #1): “I’m with you. ANYTHING would be more interesting than looking at us day after day while we aimlessly wander around repeating the same lines over and over!”

    (Rusty): “Hey fellows! I haven’t shown you my arrow head collection yet!”

    (Sheep kiler #1): “Wow! He’s even daffier than I thought! Quick, climb over the edge of this comic strip panel so we can get outta here before that kid follows us!”

    (Rusty): Hey FELLOWS! WHERE are you going?”

    (Sheep killer #1): “Damn! Too late! SHOOT the kid and his dog!”

    (Sheep killer #2): But…but, we left all of our guns back at that neat and tidy cabin!”

    (Sheep killer #1): “Then…then, TAKE HIM FISHING or something! ANYTHING, I don’t care! Just get him and his dog away from me before I go crazy! I wish I had never let you talk me into going bighorn hunting in your airplane!”

    (Sheep killer #2): “MY airplane? I thought it was YOUR airplane!”

    (Sheep killer #1): “!!!!!!!!”

  85. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#3):

    “9CL – And today we have all the worst tropes of the strip: Amos completely overwhelmed by anything even remotely sexual, Edda’s child-like mind, the lack of boundaries between her and Seth. And, of course, the pirana-grin.”

    Well, to be fair, not *all* of the worst. No Thorax-jabber.

    // Still, four out of five. . .

  86. bats :[
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#72): re Phantom, if you read the whole strip…or if you’re rushed today and just cut to the chase.

    (I love the illustrations of the lioness!!)

  87. Esther Blodgett
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: I actually saw a box of Firestone Christmas albums at a used bookstore recently and became awash in nostalgia. They were the same albums my grandparents would play at Christmas. So I empathize with Crankshaft. What I’m saying is, kill me kill me now.

  88. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#78): What a wonderful pet — bet the people in the house call it “Sweetums.” (And very sorry, but what is SBp? Dang.)

  89. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Good god, the “Mein Dickweed Brain” guy Brooke (maybe his insecurity issues arise from having a girl’s name?) makes Batty look like Bill Watterson, Stephan Pastis, & Charles Schulz all rolled into one by comparison, doesn’t he?

  90. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    The Freep will be replacing Cul de Sac with Stone Soup.

  91. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#88): Speed Bump.

  92. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Jesus & Mo: Did the Onion really…? No, I guess not. Still that would be pretty clever.

    Bizarro: The gag may not be that great, and it is a little obscure, but it would have been better to not explain it.

    // Of course, Piraro loves to draw. He probably couldn’t help but put the V. of W. statuette in there.

    Love is…: …a one panel comic that has been utterly bereft of creativity, humor, or new ideas for decades. In a way, it is kind of amazing. Someone should tell Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

    Well, maybe that’s not entirely fair, but I am convinced the “creators” of Love is… use some sort of computer random phrase generator (verb phrase + prepositional phrase). They then throw away the clearly nonsensical or offensive ones, and illustrate the remainder. I guess the illustration part is sort of creative. Today’s “crazy eyes” are kind cool in a disturbing sort of way. I suppose they couldn’t think of a way to show the temporary deafness that is the usual result of watching a blockbuster in a theater.

    Mutt & Jeff: Mr. Fisher was pretty good in his day, wasn’t he?

    Pibgorn: Hey, wasn’t he wearing granny glasses yesterday? Hey, I’ve got an idea! Bats Colon Left-Bracket: How hard would it be to put a Zippy the Pinhead mumu on Djinn-boy, here?

    Archie: You know (by Grabthar’s Hammer!) it’s getting hard to find D-cell batteries anymore. Archie’s boombox probably takes about 12. // My guess, this came out originally in 1977-78. The Sony Walkman came out in ’79.

  93. Ned Ryerson
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Junior and the Girls are very popular in the community!

    No, really. “Junior and the Girls” is the name of a popular rock and roll “combo” who regularly play at beach bashes, or “shindigs”, which are known to spontaneously break out in these parts. When one of these “to dos” erupts, everybody, but everybody, stops whatever else they’re doing, jumps into bikinis and board shorts and starts twisting and frugging like there’s no tomorrow.

  94. Baka Gaijin
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    I WANT THAT SPIDEY SPECIAL ANTI-CLOWN JOY BUZZER!!!!!

  95. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Are those Firestone albums bias-ply or radial? How frequently do you need to rotate them?

  96. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#91): Thanks! And I suppose Freep could have done worse. But seeing Max in the announcement story reminds me that some of us (and by some of us I mean “I”) regard him with distaste, and by “distaste,” I mean “utter loathing.” Good luck with him, Freep readers.

  97. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Just wait when, tomorrow, Crankshaft discovers Pam sold his collection of Pirelli Calendars for a quarter.

  98. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#95): Crankshaft: Are those Firestone albums bias-ply or radial? How frequently do you need to rotate them?

    1. They are spiral.
    2. 33 and 1/3 times per minute.

  99. Spyglass
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Guys, guys, you have it all wrong. Skyler’s been signed for the biggest movie to play in a box office this year. The ticket takers get really bored in there between showings.

  100. Feral Canadian
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    I went back and reread the past few weeks of Spiderman to try and make sense of it all, and I think I have a tumor in my cerebral cortex

  101. bats :[
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#87): I volunteer and go through the A/V donations for our local Friends of the Library group — honestly, if anyone is so overwhelmed with nostalgia by these albums (stopping short of killing them), I will happily set aside copies for you. Right next to our most popular vinyl donation (and I’ll wait a little bit before posting the answer). Ah, the joys of living in a city surrounded by retirement communities!

  102. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): re Bizarro: I agree. It would have been better without the Venus figure. Still, anything referencing Raquel “fur bikini” Welch is a good thing.

    re Pibgorn: but that would cover up the epic happy trail!

  103. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#74): Re FW, you said it so well. And even the maple tree, overhearing the conversation, is wishing it could kill itself.

  104. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    MW — “I think you already have. This morning I overheard three people saying they would never wear purple again for the rest of their lives.”

  105. Nekrotzar
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#67):
    You’re right, and since every single 2013 movie currently has revenue of exactly $0, and therefore is theoretically tied for biggest box office, she could be the associate key grip for an upcoming documentary on the Cistercian monks who invented Wensleydale cheese.

  106. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#41):

    “You mean all I had to do was trim it in the shape of the Mona Lisa…”

    I would have suggested trimming it in the shape of Rodin’s “The Gates of Hell.”

    // You know, “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.”

  107. missal
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    A3G: C’mon, hasn’t anybody noticed that “Aunt Cathy” is actually a crossdressing male? Would an ACTUAL female wear that outfit?! There’s some deeply weird shit going on here.

  108. bats :[
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): re Love is… I avoid this, unless commentary here (read, queek and commodorejohn) makes me take leave of my senses). In today’s, I just like to pretend that party lines still exist (wouldn’t that be awesome on cell phones??, although I’m sure they can be hacked into), and that the little troll dolls have inadvertently eavesdropped on Amos and Edda’s nasty talk.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): probably not hard. I kinda like the beefwit-cake display, though.
    Except for the really-do-we-need-to-see-it treasure trail.
    And the advanced case of jaundice.
    Is this Evan’s dad?

  109. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#105):…upcoming documentary on the Cistercian monks who invented Wensleydale cheese.

    Yet another sequel, eh? Or is this a reboot?

  110. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    epic win or epic fail? I vote for win.

    for all the parental ‘mudgeons, naptime.

  111. Schroduck
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    How did today’s B.C. slip through the artist, colourists, editors and printers without anyone noticing that giving the mammoths huge, dangling cheeks and long straight trunks makes them the most phallic looking things ever to grace the comics page?

  112. Red Greenback
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Having never heard of the Firestone Christmas Albums until today, I am guessing these may be some of the song titles:

    • I’m Dreaming of a Whitewall Christmas
    • Rudolph, The Radial-Ply Reindeer
    • Little Rubber Boy
    • Frosty the Firehawk
    • The Most Wonderful Tire of The Year
    • Winterforce Wonderland
    • Hark The Aggressive Treads Sing
    • O Little Town of Bloomington

  113. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#108): Dean Booth did a brilliant series a while ago – you probably saw it – where he dressed Rex Morgan in Zippy suits. It was perfect. Since then, I can’t keep myself from seeing all other cartoon characters dressed ala Dingberg. In Pibgorn’s case, I suppose it was the djinn’s pointy head that set it off for me. I suppose it wouldn’t really work.

    But a Zippy mumu on Dawn in Mary Worth (beats that purple pantsuit, no?), and one on her friend Jim (with a pinned up sleeve, natch!); or everyone in Mark Trail zippified? Yes! And wouldn’t Mr. Bland Evan on A3G look better in red polka dots?

  114. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Archie, why do you listen to your rock and roll so loud?

    Sorry, Mr. Weatherbee, I can’t hear you, I’m listening to my loud rock and roll.

  115. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    And coming from a high school principal, the use of “loud” vs “loudLY” is poignant. This is why his students are criminals. They have to carry around their home theater systems on their shoulders or someone will break into their living rooms and steal them.

  116. Ned Ryerson
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#101): Can’t wait to find out which record is the most popular in the community!

  117. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — This sure wasn’t how I reacted. I was cynical enough even at thirteen to know what “minor discomfort” was going to mean when the yay-you’re-becoming-a-woman propaganda talked about cramps. I distinctly remember thinking back then that reproduction should be an entirely-optional add-on feature to the human body. I’m still not entirely sure I was wrong:-).

  118. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#112): What about the holiday classic, Grandma Got Run Over by a Goodyear?

  119. Baka Gaijin
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#39) on Apartment 3-G: Sarah Jessica Parker?

    @Dood (#118): Damn. You beat me to it.

  120. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Spidey: Hope you liked my special joy buzzer! But let’s make this quick, I have to get it back inside my wife’s vibrator before she gets home.

  121. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    there are some improperly colored strips out there for today’s A&J. It should look like this.

    Johnson’s blog and CIDU both cover the issue, for those who want details.

  122. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G — With a name like Skyler Roan, how can she miss?

  123. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#112): Oh, and there’s also the holiday classic Schrader valves.

  124. Poteet
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#121): Thank you. I had figured it was a very subtle joke and I was just too dense.

  125. Baka Gaijin
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G missing last panel: Evan says, “Aunt Cathy, I’m so glad when you’re upset you don’t point your fingers into the air and ‘AAACK!’ anymore.”

  126. Feral Canadian
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Comics today are so absurd it’s ridiculous, why can’t they be normal like a comic about a rock band comprised of a groundhog on drums, a penguin on tuba, and cat on lead vocals/electric tongue?

  127. Red Greenback
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#118): WINNING!

  128. Hogenmogen
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Just as Aunt Cathy pulls a desk in front of the door, blocking Evan’s chance of escape, Evan pulls back a previously non-existent curtain to reveal a dark hallway. “Disappoint you? You can’t lock me in.” Then he steps into what may be an empty elevator shaft and dies. Quick shift to the next story arc: Tommie changes a bedpan at work.

  129. Horace Broon
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Okay, how geeky would it make me look to mention the Blinovitch Limitation Effect as the reason the universe could end?

    MW: “Well, I can’t compare my experience to yours, except just now when I said ‘I experienced something similar’, and before that when you were talking about the gate of no return and I said ‘I too have come through a traumatic experience recently’. And I’ll probably do it again in a minute.”

    Phantom: “‘Lion Who Cannot Die’? Haha, it’s probably just a whole family of different lions, passing the tradition on from mother to cub … er, not that that’s the deal with me, of course. I’m really magic.”

    Pluggers: Yesterday, Pluggers shave and worry about white bristles. Today, Pluggers have tan lines. Brookins does know his beastmen are covered in fur, right?

  130. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Spam (#85): Well, to be fair, not *all* of the worst. No Thorax-jabber.
    Still, four out of five. . .

    I’d call that four out of seven. Thorax counts more.
    (And since I can see a real cat any time — OMG, IT’S PLAYING WITH A PIECE OF STRING OMGOMGOMG — I’ll make it four out of eight, though I understand my viewpoint on this is not universally shared.)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): The only notable thing about today’s “love is…” is how Infant Ken has his hand one scale inch from Betsy Wetsy’s nipple. Notable in a kind of cringeworthy, barfable way, I must add.

  131. Snarkotix Addict
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Huh? Why is Luann looking down at her crotch? Is Luann actually addressing her pudenda? Is this a lead-in to a ‘Vagina Dialogues’? Excuse me now while I wretch.

  132. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Feral Canadian (#126): “Heavy metal?” “Weighty brass… C’mon, gimme a break!”

  133. BeckoningChasm
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    In between yesterday’s Apartment 3-G and today’s, Evan now needs a haircut.

  134. Inkwell
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Steve (#1): If it ended that way, I would never stop loving this comic.

    Which means it probably won’t.

  135. Hairhead
    September 20th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Luann : Okay. I started reading Luann only 5 years ago, so I had not been exposed to the “early” Luann. Look at today’s strip. She’s thirteen, but she’s drawn as though she’s nine years old. She’s LOOKING DOWN AT HER (NON) BOOBS AND CROTCH, EXPLICITLY WILLING THE LUSTY BREASTS, THE DOWNY PUBIC HAIR, THE PERKY NIPPLES, THE . . . urk . . ulp. . . I feel a bit sick. Really, freedom-of-speech and whatever-turns-you-on but . . .

    I don’t understand Evans.

    He can write and draw this extremely squicky stuff, yet can’t let today’s Luann have a normal making-out boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? Something is WRONG here.

  136. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#124):

    I’m still too dense. What is the joke?

  137. Liz
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: She already has, huh. Because she sat and talked with you? I imagine people in this hospital are routinely spitting on him. And the staff purposely throwing up double high 5′s. “Up high Jim!”

    S-M: I love my superheroes to be ineffective, and having to resort to stealing their enemies ideas. Chloroform pie was pretty cool. But joy buzzer? Dick Tracy would be home, with his feet up, recalling the time he shot that clown in the face by now.

    Crock: Denny’s food is not unlike dead flesh

  138. Joshua
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Spam (#136): Note the birds overhead, and Gene’s left shoulder in the last panel. In the incorrectly colored version, there were no white stains there.

  139. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

  140. Steve the Pocket
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Funny story about those Christmas albums and the million others like them… the thrift stores around here always have several of them for sale. Hell, it probably makes up the bulk of their record section. But here’s the funny thing. Every time I go, I never see the same ones as last time. So not only are they being constantly donated by people who are desperate to get rid of them, they keep getting bought!

  141. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#78):

    (bb,u, some help?)

    How’s this?: GAH.

  142. Hart of Johnny
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    I, too, love Aunt Cathy in A3G. I may start making that strip a daily stop.

    As far as Josh’s theory is concerned, does this mean 2050s Margo is ironically dressing like an old lady in the 1950s? Is she the world’s oldest hipster in this reality?

    Thanks to the ‘Mudges, I now I feel no need to ever read another Luann strip, lest I get a visit from the local authorities.

  143. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    WofId – Uh, princess? You just came across a horny frog with a talented tongue. Put it to good use.

  144. Ed Dravecky
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    I have owned, without irony, several of the Firestone holiday albums for several decades. I will defend that decision, even if it means agreeing with Ed Crankshaft. (Please kill me now.)

  145. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#144): Here in the Northeast, there’s a new Hess toy gas tanker every Christmas. They sell out immediately and are extremely collectible. I could see crotchety old me getting mucho pissy if some dunce like Jeff put my collections in a yard sale. Kick his ass, Cranky.

  146. flatsixes
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: Giving himself up to the sheep killers may be the first intelligent thing that Rusty’s ever done. Dogs with the magical ability to change their size from one moment to the next don’t just come along every day, and Rusty was right to surrender himself to being murdered so that Sassy’s scientific value can be forever preserved on Doc’s microscope slides.

  147. commodorejohn
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#101): I eagerly await the answer.

    Agnes – “Math doggerel.” “Math doggerel.” Look, can someone tell me, if I off Tony Cochran and devour his heart, will I gain his powers?

    A.D. – “And you don’t want to know what they do on top of Aunt Gladys.”

    Bizarro – Heh. Oh, Piraro, sometimes you just win, man. (Although I agree with Nehemiah Scudder that the less explanation of a joke, the better.)

    C&B – What exactly do you think Lynda Carter thinks upon opening the paper and seeing this?

    Crankshaft – Never heard the Firestone albums myself, but company records are a hidden treasure of American culture, so there. Crankshaft is right to be pissed.

    DT – If Honeymoon winds up assisting actual cops, that will put Dick Tracy one step closer to turning into Inspector Gadget. If only Don Adams were still around…

    FW – “I figure as long as I’m settling for Les, I might as well start rationalizing it to myself.”

    HOTC – I was wondering whether the doofy simian look was intentional…

    JP – Wow. Avery, you dolt, you deserve whatever is going to happen to you. Oh wait, you’re a Driver associate, so unearned massive wealth is going to happen to you. Never mind.

    Love Is… – …porn like you never imagined to be possible.

    Liō – Liō’s dad is dating Reine from The Norm?

    Luann – I see Poteet has got this one covered. Hell, I wasn’t excited for puberty, and I didn’t even have the hard version!

    Mandrake – This may be stretching the rules somewhat, Lothar. I mean, they’re idiot rules to begin with, but you agreed to ‘em.

    MT – The Ugliest Boy and his self-sacrificing love for the Worst Puppy. It’s kind of heartwarming, in the same sense that acid reflux is kind of heartwarming.

    MW – “I think you already have made a difference. I used to think I had it bad, but now I realize that whatever my medical issues, at least I’m not a helmet-haired dimwit who can’t swim 300 feet in an equatorial sea.”

    Momma – Look, are we supposed to want to brutally torture-murder the title character of a comic strip? It seems counterintuitive, but for the life of me I can’t see how that’s not the goal behind basically each and every Momma strip ever printed.

    OBH – This actually explains a lot.

    Phantom – Whatever you say, O Ghost-Who-Prosecutes-Trademark-Infringement.

    Pluggers – You’re a Plugger if…uh, you’ve bleached suspender patterns into your fur? …huh. Okay.

    Ripley’s – Thing I learned today: bears regenerate like Wolverine. Honestly, this does not come as a surprise.

    SF – Poor Hil. She’s gonna go all Lovecraft-protagonist, no doubt.

    WoI – Okay, I actually had a near coffee-spewing laugh at today’s Wizard of Id.

  148. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – Rex, the cabbie is a bit chubby. Shouldn’t he get your perfunctory “get your sugar checked” warning so he can be forever in your debt?

    BB – Good Viagra down the drain. Yup, can’t make the missus happy, can we?

    BC – They got the memo about the pending extinction. They’re cool.

  149. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Yes, Rusty, you dimwit, I’m alright. I gave myself up so you could run for help, but here you are. Honestly, if we get out of this I’m never running through the woods with you again.”

    JP – I’m wondering what’s really on Avery’s camera that has him worried. It might have something to do with fish, but most definitely NOT Old Hardy.

  150. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    A3G:

    The second panel is so perplexing, what with Evan’s Urine Da Money appearance and with Aunt Cathy channel Dr. No.

    From the look of how and where Aunty Cathy is standing, she looks to be in front of an upright piano. Perhaps she actually sang her dialogue: “You disappoint me, Evan.”

    Using the “Yellow Rose of Texas”:

    You Disappoint me, Evan/
    Now I am dismayed/
    You claim to know your business/
    Yet you can’t even get laid/
    Your taste in suits is frightful/
    Designed by Tom Kincaide/
    I disown you as my nephew/
    But you can remain my maid

    //of course, she may not be playing the “Yellow Rose of Texas” it might be the “Golden Boy of Chex Mix”…who knows

  151. Manifesta
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    “I think that if I stumbled upon an awning made out of human skin, I wouldn’t be hanging around debating the aesthetics.” Why do you think mammoths are extinct?

  152. Calico
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    And for God’s sake, don’t get rid of his Mitch Miller LP’s!
    (I wonder if Crank is a fan of Mannheim Steamroller, or if that’s too “new” for him)

  153. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    9CL – Pillow Talk Redux…..clap clap clap clap.

    C’mon, can we give these two (make it three. Include Seth) the clap?

  154. Baka Gaijin
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Liz (#137) on Spiderman: Clowns shot in the face by a deranged detective? Baka-approved squee!

  155. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    It’s dick joke Thursday!

    @commodorejohn (#147): Luann – I see Poteet has got this one covered. Hell, I wasn’t excited for puberty, and I didn’t even have the hard version!

    Unless I’m misreading your gender from your username, you most definitely went through the hard version of puberty. Which I would take over the Bloody Hard version any day.

    @Chaze (#149): JP – I’m wondering what’s really on Avery’s camera that has him worried. It might have something to do with fish, but most definitely NOT Old Hardy.

    The brown trout is of no interest to Avery. But the collection of pictures of Old Hardy might land him in trouble. Even though they are closeups, they are instantly identifiable, as he is the only person in Hollywood under the age of 70 for whom Old Hardy leans to the right.

  156. Dennis Jimenez
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    My suit of Bit’OHoney;
    Is far beyond dispute.
    It was not made in China;
    I’m not your maid to boot.
    Your white hair is disturbing;
    Your cat-eye glasses, too.
    This strip has all the cogence
    of an opera by the Who….

  157. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Next, they’ll be selling Crankshaft’s Kelvinator collection of Groundhog Day albums.

  158. True Fable
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    First Panel Problems

    MT Rusty, lil’ buddy, we outed you years ago.

  159. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#156): I recognize that. Procol Harum’s first album, right? “Whiter Shade of Pastels?”

  160. MySpoonIsTooBig
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    9CL- Its at the point where depicting actual explicit sex would be far less icky than this juvenile tittering.

    Bizarro- Great gag, I agree it would have worked better without the figurine but I have a feeling the editors made him draw it in.

    Baby Blues- Aside from borrowing sleep clothes when crashing at a friend’s place, I never borrowed clothes from friends. Was this actual common girl behavior or am I the freak for just wanting to wear my own stuff?

    A3G- I don’t think I can ever properly snark on it because all y’all are so consistently hilarious already. Sadly my paper doesn’t carry it, is there an online source?

  161. commodorejohn
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#155): Ya think? Everything I’ve heard suggests otherwise. I mean, socially awkward, yeah, but…oh, was that a pun? Never mind.

  162. Dr. Weird
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Schroduck (#111):

    How did today’s B.C. slip through the artist, colourists, editors and printers without anyone noticing that giving the mammoths huge, dangling cheeks and long straight trunks makes them the most phallic looking things ever to grace the comics page?

    All of those people involved in the process had an early tee time together, that’s how.

  163. Daniel
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    BC It’s good to contrast this to the Far Side comic that this (how to put it delicately) echoes. There, the elephant is decrying his foot’s conversion into a wastebasket with outrage mixed with flat-out puzzlement. Here, the mammoths’ eyes are reduced to slits by their own boredom.

    On top of that, it’s ripped off from Iain M. Banks.

  164. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#160): Try DailyInk or GoComics.

  165. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

  166. Inkwell
    September 20th, 2012 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    I decided to read Luann to see what all the fuss was about. It just looks to me like she’s looking down at her body (not necessarily you-know-where) and “humorously” conveying that she wants to grow up.

    That, or I was a really really sick 13-year-old girl and the fact that I relate to this strip means I’m the spawn of Marmaduke. I already figured I was evil, so…

  167. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#160):

    Heh. He said “tittering”. Heh heh.

    Nope, still not as juvenile as 9CL. “I told my fiancee I was naked. Now he has a hardon and nowhere to go with it. Aren’t I hilarious, Seth? Seth? Where did you go in such a big hurry?”

  168. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Schroduck (#111):

    Sometimes the funniest, most unlikely inspiration is when two Fritos fall into your lap. It can make you want to draw wooly mammoths!

    Johnny Hart, Who Never Admitted This Happened to Him Because It Probably Never Happened to Him.

  169. Dennis Jimenez
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#167): I thought it was JP that had a lock on tremendous titters….

  170. KreatureFeatures
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    This whole Spiderman/Clown-9 confrontation seems terribly inconsistent.

  171. Baka Gaijin
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#170): From the stance of Clown-9, the confrontation may become incontinent, if you know what I mean.

  172. HAnzMFG
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Well, looks like Spider-Man just shocked Clown-9 into having a heart attack. Now after getting defeated almost three times in a row, he’s still going to look like the bigger douche in the end.

  173. Señor Tortilla
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Plugger anatomy and tans has gotten way more complicated, way more weird, and way more gross.

    9CL: I finally quit subscribing to Zippy on my Darkgate feed after the “nudist colony” one, and I’m pretty sure that I’ve come to the end of this one.

    MW: Okay, guys: pretend that Dawn’s hair is actually, in fact, a head covering for religious purposes. YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.

    Spider-Man: Right, so after getting his ass kicked, Spider-Man suddenly defeats the perp with relative ease. Be prepared for more mysterious retcons in the coming days (“My sprained ankle? I was only faking it!”)

  174. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#167): And picking up on loose ends, Seth planted a big ole kiss right on Amos’s piehole. Romantic even. Looked like it set a charge right through Don Knotts…er…Amos.

    Uh…what was the fallout of him doing that? Nothing, you say? So, it was simply gratuitous. I’m shocked, I tell you! Shocked!!

  175. With Cat as my CEO
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Evan’s ensemble was left over from a previous job advertising turmeric, the new panacea for indigestion, thinning hair and cancer. Credulity, thy name is Evan.

  176. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#139):

    Thanks. When I read the strip in my deadtree paper this morning (in black and white, of course), I assumed bird exhaust had to be the joke, but it was not discernable there. Even when I looked at the color version online to which you’d linked, I’d somehow missed the deposit on the shoulder, since (a) I keep looking for same in the hair of one or the other of the couple, and (b) I’m very near-sighted.

    I can’t imagine that many b-and-w deadtree version readers would have done much better, especially given the small size at which comics are printed these days. The joke might have been more successful in a printed strip seventy or so years ago, but of course back then it would been too risque to depict. . .

    (The first Mrs. Shrug and I were married in her family’s back yard, and while no birds interfered, she did get a bee tangled up in her veil.)

  177. MySpoonIsTooBig
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#174): I wonder, was that the first ever male-male kiss, or anything remotely physical, in the history of the strip? Mark and Seth have been in a relationship for god knows how long, and yet there was never any innuendo or indication that they were getting it on, right?

    Also am inthe only one who thinks that Mark is far better looking than Seth whom in my opinion looks like a muppet on steroids?

  178. Red Greenback
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Hey, it’s Fence Post Frank’s cousin, Hackman Jack! “No jumpin’, no somethin’… That’s my motto!”

  179. bats :[
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#116): brace yourselves…it’s the original Broadway cast recording of “My Fair Lady,” with Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews. It features a mostly-white cover with a sketch of Andrews, Harrison and George Bernard Shaw as God/puppetmaster, done by Al Hirschfeld.
    I suppose it could’ve been much, much worse.

  180. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#177): It’s the first time I’ve see Seth do anything overtly gay, besides his normal nelly queenishness. He and Mark have been portrayed more like an old empty-nest couple in a joyless, sexless existence.

    As for Amos? Hung like a horse?

  181. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    ASM – Wait till Spidey whips out the atomic whoopee cushion and the acidic fake vomit. A good time will be had by all at the circus.

  182. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#179): Wow…Al Hirschfeld. How many Nina’s can you find?

  183. Archivalist
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I don’t know whether I’m more disturbed by Josh’s matchy-matchy hair-inspired ensemble, or that Aunt Cathy has apparently slid a bureau in front of the door in order to attack Josh with a sack of doorknobs.

  184. commodorejohn
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#177): Well, Amos and Seth did do some off-panel making-out during the Magical Cello Competition Sexfest, driven by the Pure Art of Amos ‘n Edda, but otherwise, probably, yeah.

  185. Greg
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    The poignantly falling leaves in Crankshaft can only portend a very special episode wherein Crankshaft dies, goes to heaven, and mistakes GG Allin for some boring baseball player.

  186. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    9CL – I think Amos’ appeal to Edda is that he is a perfect thrall – completely overwhelmed by the mere thought of her without clothes, he can be depended upon to serve as an apparatus for her sexual gyrations without the need for her to treat him with any dignity or respect – just the way a Burber demands it.

    Seth’s interest in Amos is mostly due to his True Art, and secondarily due to his ability to bust Edda’s balls over him. And like the quintessential 1990s Gay Man in TV and Cinema, his homosexuality is purely theoretical and is never witnessed in practice.

  187. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Roan sounds like groan. Which is what we all are doing.

    MW-”You’ve already made a difference. Just by listening to you talk I realize how much I’m glad I’m not you. Sure I’ll be going through life with only one limb but at least I’m not as boring as you.”

    MT-”Wait a minute, kid. I thought you were coming out as a homosexual not as a kid who loves animals more than normal.”

  188. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Is it me or are people in “Apartment 3-G” quick to flying off the handle over the smallest thing?

  189. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Schroduck (#111): I could prove you wrong, but currently I’m being frustrated in my search for images of the Oids in Popeye.

  190. Dood
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Shouldn’t Jeff and Pam have consigned Crankshaft to the “free” box? Maybe somebody would take him.

  191. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 20th, 2012 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#86): Woe to thee who try to separate a lion from its dignity.

  192. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Phantom:

    Lioness! Lioness! Burning young *
    (* In the secret Bandar tongue),
    What immortal ghost of lie
    Could see thy obvious symmetry?

  193. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#129):

    A3G: Okay, how geeky would it make me look to mention the Blinovitch Limitation Effect as the reason the universe could end?

    In the context of this site? Not particularly.

  194. Erich Clapton
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#97): Now, that’s something to get uoset about!

  195. Illustrator Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    MT – Is Sassy’s lower jaw out of joint in panel #3 causing her to have that extreme underbite or is that a white tongue she’s licking Rusty’s ugly face with? If Sassy’s tongue is so pale it looks white then Rusty should have those sheep killer fellows immediately drive them to a veterinarian IN A NEAR-BY CITY SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE!
    Say….maybe on the way to that veterinarian’s clinic IN A NEAR-BY CITY SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE they can stop by the MAGAZINE OFFICE to see what Mark has been up to for the past three months!

  196. Illustrator Steve
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    MT – There’s more intellegence in that old back pack than all of the caracters in this strip put together, except for maybe the giant beaver. (Yeah, that old back packs GOT to be plenty smart to keep disappearing and then re-appearing on Rusty’s back like that!)

  197. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”You disappoint me, Evan. Do you want to go to the time out box?”

  198. SurrealKangaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    B.C.: Snuggie jokes? That is so 2010.

  199. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    MW – Jim: “How are you handling what you went through?”

    Dawn: “Well, I’ve decided it’s time to grab life with both hands! I mean, I’d give my left arm for a chance to really make a difference! But I can’t do it single-handedly. Won’t you join me in my quest? You can be my right-hand man!”

  200. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    MW, take 2 – After reading the puzzle page in the newspaper, Dawn’s emotions were this:
    _    _ _ _ _ _ _

    Letters: B L U E J A M

  201. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Erich Clapton (#194):

    Now, that’s something to get uoset about!

    U O so right about that!

    //haha. just kidding! I’m a mirth-maker.
    (business is kind of slow so I make mirth where ever I go, giving it away with aplomb, sometimes a peach, often low hanging fruit, always in reach.)

  202. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    FC-”We’re playing hotel. We’re at the part where I cut out Jeffey’s kidneys and leave him in a bathtub full of ice.”

    FC 2-”We’re playing hotel. Now excuse me while I write on the mirror that Jeffy now has AIDS.”

    FC 3-”We’re playing hotel. Can you look the other way while we sneak out of here without paying.”

  203. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#186): In other words, Seth is really “straight”, but just doesn’t realize it yet.

  204. anon
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Here come the Judge (#81):

    Don’t forget the “Hawaiian Luau Party” and “Greatest Polka Hits”. I would actually like to hear that Johnny Cash album, though.

  205. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#57): For me it was James Bond Villain voice.

  206. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#203):

    Seth is not straight! Don’t insult him like that! Just because he is sexually attracted to women and not to men doesn’t mean that you can stick a label like ‘straight’ on him. Have you ever heard of a Magic Straight Roommate whose wisdom changes the lives of everyone around him? I didn’t think so!

  207. Doyle
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#206): Seriously though, Seth is going to impregnate Edda.

  208. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#206): Boy, I’m really out in left field with the whole 9CL gay ethos deal. You see, my heart belongs to Avery. Yeah, I got a thing for rich teddy bears. Makes more sense than letting “art” define my sexual desires. Unless Art is some guy somewhere.

  209. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#22):

    OK, That’s much funnier that what I was going to post!

  210. Chaze
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Archivalist (#183): The coloring in A3G is the result of pure laziness. Margo wears a lavender dress and the kitchen walls turn lavender. She’s dressed in light blue and the office walls and all her books turn pale blue. Not to mention the people in the street. Tommie wears light green and the wall hangings feature light green lichen under glass. So I can just hear the thought process today.

    “Dang! Everything on Evan today is babyshit brown. Maybe I should mix that up a bit. Aw, screw it. I got shit to do.”

  211. Pauline
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    When someone writes an post he/she maintains the image of a user in
    his/her mind that how a user can know it. Therefore that’s why this paragraph is perfect. Thanks!

  212. Ian Beste
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#179): Hey, that sounds good! With Julie Andrews singing and Rex Harrison doing that, uh, voice-y rhyme-y thing…

  213. Ian Beste
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): Thank you badly translated Japanese instruction manual spam message! Let’s sport!

  214. commodorejohn
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): When someone writes an post he/she maintains the image of a user in his/her mind that how a user can know it. Therefore that’s why this paragraph is perfect. Thanks!

    Sublime.

  215. Red Greenback
    September 20th, 2012 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): I’m green on back and red all over. Thus my riches.

  216. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 20th, 2012 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#199):

    I recently read an old DOC SAVAGE novel (QUEST OF QUI) in which one hoodlum described Doc’s aide Johnny to another thug as “one of Doc Savage’s five right-hand men.”

  217. Mr. O'Malley
    September 20th, 2012 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Spam (#216): I remember a radio ad for Sears Optical Department that gave a list of reasons why you should go to Sears: “First, something. Second, something. Third eyes examined without an appointment.”

  218. wossname
    September 20th, 2012 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#179): Wow, my parents had that album, along with a lot of other Broadway show albums, and when my bro and I were kids we would listen to them as a family and feel très sophistiqué. I dunno what ever happened to that album, but it sounds like you don’t need it at Friends of the Library.

  219. Man's Eternal War On Insects
    September 20th, 2012 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    Don’t let them meet, the UNIVERSE COULD END

    After an afternoon spent suffering Margo’s and Aunt Cathy’s tag-teamed witticisms and criticisms, I could totally see the the Universe calling it a day, drawing a hot bath, and swallowing a nice fizzy potassium bromide-dark matter cocktail.

  220. I have no head and I must nod
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): When someone writes an post he/she maintains the image of a user in
    his/her mind that how a user can know it. Therefore that’s why this paragraph is perfect. Thanks!

    Welcome back! What is it today? Designer handbags? Garage doors? Herbal cure-alls? Oh do tell!

  221. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#159): Good grief, you can sing “Lighter Shade of Pale” to the tune of “Yellow Rose of Texas.” And vice versa.

  222. I have no head and I must nod
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#221): But not, thank goodness, at the same time.

  223. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211):

    Huh? I’ve read this over several times and I have no idea what you are talking about. I feel like there are some words missing that need to make this paragraph complete.

  224. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#199): “I don’t think you should thumb your nose at an offer like this! In most cases, you’d have to elbow your way in, but I’m giving you the opportunity to grab on with both hands!”

    @I have no head and I must nod (#220): Favorite Harlan Ellison story–nicely done!

  225. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#221):

    Note that each song title is about the color of something*

    * unless my dyslexia in effect, shades are usually for non-colors: white, black, brown and gray…

    //hmmmm…


    Evan wears a yellow, banana suit
    A yellow, banana suit
    A yellow, banana suit

    // hmph. Three lines pretty much covers my knowledge of the Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine”

    //surely, “You disappoint me, Evan” can be modified to work with “Pennies from Heaven”.
    gasp!
    And with “Stairway to Heaven” !

    Thankfully, I know the lyrics to neither of those songs.

  226. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#121): @Poteet (#124): Given that those birds appear to be seagulls, that is some nasty shit right there.

  227. maryworthy
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#25): “..years to make, edit and market..”. And then go straight to DVD

  228. I have no nose and I must sneeze
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#225): Those fine tunes were on the Firestone Theatre’s rare Christmas album, also part of Ed Crankshaft’s collection.

  229. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#224): “I have no head…” The phrase popped into my head late last night, and has been trying to claw its way out of my occiput ever since. That is the most family friendly variant.

    “I have no ___________ and I must ___________.”

    There’s a sonnet in there somewhere, and I’m fighting to KEEP it in there.

  230. Alison
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: “I can’t compare my experience to yours”. Fucking duh. About time Dawn realized this. She gets points for realizing it at all though. Mary Worth never would have.

    “Luann”: This is better than current Luann. No Toni, no Gunther, no TJ. Keep it.

    “Pearls Before Swine”: I love PBS but I don’t like this arc at all. I don’t like seeing that cat being bullied, even if it’s by another cat.

  231. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#230): “Mary Worth”: “I can’t compare my experience to yours”. Fucking duh. About time Dawn realized this. She gets points for realizing it at all though. Mary Worth never would have.

    Don’t you get it? Jim IS Mary Worth! It’s a brilliant disguise, but look closely at that face!

  232. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I can’t compare my experience to yours, but I’ll try.”

    MW 2-”I can’t compare my experience to yours because I still have both my arms.”

    Gil Thorp-And this is what happens when you make someone a football player who has never played the game before. What’s the matter you didn’t want to make that little retarded kid who wants to be a football player so bad a player.

    RMMD-I think that cabbie is imagining what June will be like with a ball gag in her mouth.

  233. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): Still maintaining that image, eh? Even through all those Perils we’ve heard so much about. Well, when you have a perfect paragraph, why change it?

  234. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#217): Alert Nick Danger!

  235. commodorejohn
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#225):

    There’s a lady who’s sure that his suit is of gold
    And she’s sort of invested in Evan.
    When he gets there, she knows, she can burn all his clothes
    And buy new ones that she doesn’t abhor
    Oooh, ooh, ooh, she says “you disappoint me, Evan.”

    There’s a plaque on the wall, but she wants to be sure
    ‘Cause you know sometimes Bolle draws the wrong things
    It’s a tree? Or a brook? It’s a green scratchy mess!
    Sometimes all of our thoughts…overthinking.

    Oooh, and it makes me wonder.
    Oooh, art, it makes me wonder.

    There’s a feeling I get, when I look to the west,
    And my spirit is crying for leaving.
    In my thoughts I have seen better comics than these,
    But I hope for more Margo, keep looking.

    Oooh, and it makes me wonder.
    Oooh, it really makes me wonder.

    And it’s whispered that soon, in December or June,
    Then the story will move us the hell on.
    And a new plot will dawn, for those who read on,
    And the bloggers will choke up with laughter.

    If there’s a piano in your bedroom, don’t be alarmed now,
    It’s just a spring clean for Aunt Iris.
    Yes, there are two aunts who are both nuts, but in the long run,
    You may find that one of them’s your mom.

    Does it make you wonder?

    Your head is screaming and it won’t go, because you don’t know,
    Margo’s calling you to join her.
    Dear ladies, can you hear the dead moan, and did you know?
    Your army rides like the whipping wind.

    *TOMMIE GUITAR SOLO*

    And as they storm on down the road,
    Their shadows chilling all our souls,
    There walks a lady we all know,
    Who wears all white and boring clothes,
    And Evan’s suit is made of gold.
    And if you study very hard,
    The truth will come to you at last,
    How all is dumb and dumb is all,
    Who reads the plot? Well, not Frank Bolle…

    She says “you disappoint me, Evan.”

  236. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#231):

    That’s what I’ve been saying for HOOOOOUUUURRRRSS!
    @tallyHO (lastnight#203):

    People have been slapping me and spitting out,

    “Heresy! You take that back!”
    and
    “Mary Worth isn’t ashamed of the face God gave her!”
    and
    “You sayin’ she’s the Debbil?”
    and
    “Mrs. Meddleworth don’t swing that way, ya heathen, you!”
    and
    “Keep your distance, dude!”
    and
    “You’re mistaken, sir. Mary Worth died in 1938. TB, I believe. That’s not her.”

    Finally! Vindication!

  237. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#229): I’m rather partial to “I Have No Nose and I Must Sneeze.”

  238. Dale
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp starts some kid who has never been to a game, hasn’t practiced, and doesn’t know any of the basic rules.
    Wouldn’t this cause a bit of resentment among the kids who have worked for years and NEVER get to play? Just a little bit? Not enough to cause permanent damage, but some hospital time?

  239. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#236): Credit where it’s due: You spotted it first, as far as I can tell. All hail Marx and tallyHO!

    // Si monumentum requiris circumspice

  240. Borborygmy
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#237):

    I have no anus, and I must fart.

  241. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#235): (holding up cigarette lighter & whistling)

  242. Liam
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”You disappoint me, Evan. Haven’t you ever seen the diner scene in ‘When Harry Met Sally’? Women can fake anything.”

  243. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#240): I have no idea, and I must be dreaming.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#241): Great Googley Moogley! Don’t hold that lighter up there next to Borborygmy! He could blow at any moment!

  245. Peanut Gallery
    September 20th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#244): That’s okay, we need the pyrotechnics for Tommie’s guitar solo.

  246. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    So this perfect asshole walks in to a bar, and the bartender says:

    1) …you know this is a gay bar, don’t you?
    2) …you know this isn’t a gay bar, don’t you?
    3) …So, it has come to this!
    4) …Now I know how the Pilgrims felt!
    5) …I’ve got a great idea for a cartoon. Wanna hear it?
    6) …The Aristocrat!

  247. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#229): Should I be a little freaked out that I knew instantly it was you with an alter-ego?

  248. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#246): 7)… you know we have a drink named after you?

  249. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#247): My ventriloquism sucks.

    // I was drinking a glass of water and smoking a cigar, too!

    // I hate cigars. I think I’m going to be sick.

  250. Sequitur
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

  251. tallyHO
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    I know there is a prevailing theory that Crankshaft occurs in an alternate timeline where gremlins rotate the Earth once a year.

    Upon trying to figure out just when would Firestone * would release a Christmas Album, **it occurs to me that Crankshaft is probably “really old” to Batuik. So, to anyone who is still alive then Crankshaft should be either entombed or a well-preserved Zombie that lives on a steady diet of Grief. While his ability to still be alive would scare the Winkerbean of of Batuik.***

    While the setting and the dress seem recent enough, I think I am not going to do any further research****to determine if I am correct that this is somehow Batuik rebelling against his parent’s generation or something.

    *(The Tire Company?)

    **(in the year Nineteen Hundred and Batuik Aught To Put His Past Behind Him?)

    *** please, God, I don’t ask for much. Just scare the Winkerbean out of him!

    **** meaning, I ain’t gonna read the strip again if I can help it. I only bothered today because it was one panel without a lot of words. (still disappointing)

  252. Sequitur
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#250): It bears repeating.

  253. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#252): Make mine a double!

  254. Sequitur
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#253):

    “I have no brain and I must fart.”

    //This is the situation faced by Lu Ann and Dawn.

  255. Sgt. Stoned
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Clown 9, the poor man’s Joker. Spider-Man, the totally impoverished man’s Batman.

    Archie: Love the boom-box, Arch. Now all you need is a pimpmobile.

  256. Sequitur
    September 20th, 2012 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    If Crankshaft made an album of his greatest hits all the tracks would involve Keesterman’s mailbox.

  257. js
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    C’mon, even better than Margo from the future would be Margo in a wig. I could see her wearing a costume just to humiliate someone.

  258. greghousesgf
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    I’ve never even heard of Firestone Xmas albums, what do they sound like?

  259. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#246): 7) Hello, Mr. Crankshaft!

  260. Droopy Says
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Shoe versues Crankshaft: Which pun is less like an actual pun?

    Spiderbland: It may seem that Peter Parker has fallen out of character by doing something to defeat Clown-9, but remember, he did it with a hand-held electronic device and he did it while lying down. For Spiderman, it’s just like lounging on the sofa with a remote control. There’s even canned laughter to add to the video ambiance.

    Creepy Les and Lesser: So the wedding won’t be rained out because it won’t be held on the same day as the Battle of the Blands? Fine, God can pencil in a rain of fire and brimstone instead. Or the death of the firstborn. (That would kill Les, who for obvious reasons must have been an only child.)

    Mock Trail: Uh, insanely stupid sheep-killer? Haven’t you learned by now that you literally need to hold onto Rusty?

    Family Circus: No wonder the melonheads are such pudges. They’ll eat anything, even their own flesh.

    Jugs Parker: Avery’s last name is Keane, isn’t it?

  261. Alison
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#231):
    If Jim was actually Mary Worth in disguise, spying on Dawn, I would change my mind about this strip. I would think it was the best strip ever and I would tell everyone “You should read ‘Mary Worth’.”

  262. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#226): Yes, major icky yuck. It’s time for the locals to quickly make up some old folktale about how seagull shit on your shoulder on your wedding day is a wonderful omen.

  263. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    MW — AAAIIIEEE! In the name of mercy, please don’t show Dawn’s profile again. My eyeballs are melting.

  264. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    Well, between the tee-hee sexual squickery of 9CL this week, and the completely insane developments in Pibgorn (A genie issuing from a Viagra bottle? Really? For feck’s sake!) I think that McE must have entered whatever the male equivalent of The Change is, and is denying it with all his might.

    Man, I feel dirty after reading this crap.

  265. Hart of Johnny
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    @Pauline (#211): If that ain’t comment of the week material, I don’t know what is.

    Pleasing to await your reply.

  266. Dale
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    The poachers wanted to hang on to Rusty so they could get away before he reported their whereabouts to the authorities.
    Tie him up and leave him in the cabin. Get to a phone (somebody else’s). Tell the sheriff’s office: “Some kid broke into our cabin and tried to steal our stuff. We’re holding him for you.”

  267. HAnzMFG
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    Josh, when you say ’10s, you mean the 1910s right?

  268. Liam
    September 21st, 2012 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox-Still not a rhinestone cowboy.

    Spiderman-It’s hilarious that we’ve had to sit through weeks of Spiderman being the idiot before he finally started taking down Clown-9 when he could have taken him out the first time.

    Spiderman 2-You see how much I’ve unhinged my jaw to make me look like I’m laughing.

    JP-Now Bubba’s meth operation that is totally acceptable. Meth is a much more harmless drug than that devil weed marijuana.

    MT-Yeah. Why are you loading those bags yourself when the kid could do it.

    MW-On an unrelated note I am not tenting my fingers like this was some sort of evil scheme to get us together which is working.

    Archie-Moose, the people behind you aren’t laughing because they think your comment is funny. They are laughing because you are a complete moron.

  269. gleeb
    September 21st, 2012 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    Dick: Chum has a very Gumbylike silhouette.

    Mark: Great. Another dog to be kidnapped to ensure human cooperation.

  270. Droopy Says
    September 21st, 2012 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    In the first panel, Spiderbland wraps up his current misadventure, with no explanation of (1) how the webbing gets under Clown-9 while he’s lying on the ground and (2) why Clown-9 doesn’t use his ballooning suit to once again burst the webbing. But let’s move on to the second panel, where we meet the next villain: Double Header the Laughing Hermaphrodite! They’ll be easy to track down, once you figure out who tailored their coat.

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