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One-panel quickies

Lockhorns, 9/21/12

Loretta staring forlornly at Leroy’s paycheck as she cracks wise about his financial inadequacies is part of her shtick now, of course, just as most of the Lockhorns’ interactions with each other can be reduced to a formula aimed at emotionally destruction, repeated in endless permutations as the situation demands. Still, you’d think she’d at least make the pretense that she’s actually surprised by how little money he makes and open the envelope before making fun of it. Maybe Leroy should switch to direct deposit and deny her the use of her prop.

Family Circus, 9/21/12

We can all tell by looking at them that the Keane Kids are monstrous genetic anomalies, but now it seems that Jeffy’s deformed body is falling apart internally. Poor little mutant! You were never meant to be!

130 responses to “One-panel quickies”

  1. Man's Eternal War On Insects
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Waist deep in Big Muddy, eh Sarge?


    Mary: “I feel very comfortable talking to you Dawn!” “Exxxxcellent!”

    Spidey: And like that Clown-9 was pushed out of the story to make room for two actually terrifying villains — the maniacally manic Marty and Maude Murgatroyd of Macatawa, MI, the world’s only conjoined fraternal twins.

  2. Snarkotix Addict
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    MW – Mutual maritime misery. And in this fertile soil, love blooms.
    This is now more than annoying. Volunteering at the hospital isn’t really about helping someone – it’s a easy way for Dawn to pick up vulnerable guys. Mary will be proud! This was her plan all along.

  3. Dennis Jimenez
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns – My working theory is this is a curse brought about by Leroy’s choosing the black suit today, rather than one of the many sky blues….

    FC – I’d digging the way Jeffy actually inserts his fingers three iches into his abdomen – got a belly ache, huh – YA THINK???

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  4. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    FC: Jeffy Keane, MD.
    Frank Burns was a better doctor!

    Lockhorns: Answer: Leroy is working hard for a paycheck worthy of hardly working.

  5. Mark B.
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    A little more swaddling cloth and Jeffy can be the Eraserhead baby.

  6. Balto
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    FC: Awww, it’s gonna be OK, Jeffy. Dead Grandpa up in Heaven has his arms open wide, ready to welcome you. Your family’s long nightmare will soon be over.

  7. Dennis Jimenez
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Balto (#6): Who wants to see a long meandering dotted line ending up in a grave! I’da Know – Not Me….

  8. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    New PCK is now up!

    A woman who thinks that a webcomic is the perfect place to hide….


  9. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Beetle – You witless vulgarians! Can’t a man even wallow a little around here without being subject to your fatuous derision?

    Crankshaft – For a good time, put Crank in the same room with his hated nemesis, Dolly Keane. “That is SO annoisy!” “Are you making fun at me?”

  10. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns – Leroy does have direct deposit. Loretta is holding a prop that is actually a two-year-old Christmas card from a retail store. Leroy glumly accepts her abuse, knowing that she is aware of the amount of the deposit, but also knowing that that deposit into the joint checking is less than 1/2 of his pay, and that the rest is deposited into an out-of-state bank account Loretta does not know about.

  11. Black Drazon
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Jeffy really is going to be distressed when he finds out his malapropism is not only correct, but that he swallowed his entire neck along with. Sorry Jeffy! No fancy heathen surgery for you. Blood transfusions and all that.

  12. Hibbleton
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    FC: And soon it will be coming out of your ass. That’s the circle of life, Jeffy.

  13. Mary Worthless
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#2):

    Mary’s plan all along.

    She knows all so she knew that the one-armed maritime mope would be hanging around and that Dawn would gravitate towards him and have him sweep her up in his arms arm.

    Mary loves it when a plan comes together.

  14. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Curtis – Back to #tatu# quo in time for #aturday.

    Dick – Trapped in an anchored diving suit, Sam Katchem’s only chance is to somehow reach the treasure chest next to the sunken castle!

  15. Marc
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    9CL- We’re really supposed to believe that this little dickweek is supposed to be ready for marriage? His mental and emotional maturity levels are about those of a chimp that just had a banana stolen from it. He can’t even go out with her without having a perpetual raging hard on because her ankle length dresses are so “provacative”. Amos is fucking trainwreck.

    A3G- Aunt Cathy is awesome. Finally somebody other than Margo with some semblance of a personality.

    Funky- Nothing like giving your guests only a few weeks notice of the date of your wedding. Of course it must be scheduled around the sacred battle of the bands and the St. Lisa- risk electrocution- fun run. Of course how not having the wedding same weekend as the battle of the bands prevents rain, I don’t have a goddam clue.

    Mark Trail- As stupid as these old poacher fellows are for thinking that Rusty might actually have any value and not restraining him AGAIN, Rusty is even stupider for not making a run for it despite not being restrained AGAIN.

    Mary Worth- Dawn doing her best Mr. Burns impression is an absolutely terrifying sight.

    Luann- It’s funny because Luann’s teachers hate her as much as we do.

    Archie- Moose, they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you. Trust me.

    Cranky- I don’t get the joke. Which is about par for the course with this strip.

  16. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Judge – You KNOW that you don’t have to delete every single… aw, never mind.

    love is… …built like a brick shitheart. [*]

  17. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Crank – A malaprop should sound like something else that is related, hopefully in an unexpectedly funny way. Today’s punchline is just another annoying variation on “for all intensive purposes” or “this section is a little light, better flush it out”.

  18. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Mary – Jim’s sort of an Everyman. Literally. From the way his face changes daily, he’s every blond guy who’s ever lost his right arm and wears a blue shirt.

    R=RBaby Zippy (the selfish pinhead) strikes again. [*]

  19. Clint Brawny
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: wait, is that it? It’s over? How anticlimactic.

  20. pugfuggly
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns Loretta, usually you have to OPEN the envelope before you make a crack like that. Unless this is some kind of Johnny Carson bit? “A hankerchief, a bowler hat, and your paycheck…..What can’t cover this month’s groceries? HIYO!”

    FC YES! The Jeffy vs Alien movie I’ve been pitching is finally going to happen!

  21. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man – Tragically, all the residents of NYC had actually forgotten how to laugh, and when they tried, all they could do was grimace and twitch. (Thanx and a big scream-out to second-panel fill-in artist Edvard Munch!)

    Family – “I ate too much dog, and now I feel barfy.”

  22. Cloudbuster
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#15): “Of course how not having the wedding same weekend as the battle of the bands prevents rain, I don’t have a goddam clue.”

    It’s kind of a running gag that it always rains on the battle of the bands.

  23. Cloudbuster
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    JP: Wait, a hollywood producer with ethics? An aversion to dirty money? What kind of ludicrously unrealistic crap is this?

    MT: And again, they have Rusty just standing there, not tied up. I really want to see him and Sassy just take off again. “Hey! You kid! Stop running away! It is slowing us down!”

    MW: Tell me, Lady Curmudgeons, does the line “I feel very comfortable talking to you” make you swoon? Because on the male side, I know when a girl says “I’m glad we had this chat,” that’s when I know for sure … that she’s my high school vice principal (and not in a Hot for Teacher way).

  24. Dragon of Life
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Today’s Family Circus commentary also works perfectly well with no comic caption whatsoever. I’ll also add that I’m very impressed that those pajamas can so well contain and give form to the gelatinous, amorphous, Lovecraftian sack of protoplasm that is Jeffy.

  25. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Zits – After Jeremy leaves, they smirk at each other and go back to their talk about torrent seeds, address spoofing, and copyfighting.

    @Sequitur (#y254): Sam Katchem: “I have no oxygen and I must smoke.”

    @Cloudbuster (#22): Yeah, but how does that insure it won’t rain on some other weekend? Well, as the man said when he opened the door and saw a flaming bag on the step, “Best not examine this one too closely.”

  26. The Ghost of Jarrod
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    PBS – “You’re looking for someone, but it isn’t Kiss.” (That’s a reference to the seminal “Kiss vs. the Phantom of the Park,” people. Oh, forget it.)

    JP – “Catching and releasing that fish again would be cruel. Instead, I ask that you simply insult a local drug kingpin.”

    F- – “First prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.”

  27. Dood
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: How much for the malaprop-laden maladjusted old man? He could really tie my room together.

  28. Doctor Handsome
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    “Working hard or hardly working” was never a serious question, Loretta. It’s just boilerplate wordplay that people who are already dead inside use at their horrible jobs to pass the time until they go home to their horrible spouses. Way to suck the fun out of it.

  29. jvwalt
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    FC: Those aren’t pajamas — Jeffy’s turning into a Smurf!

    Which, come to think, makes all the damn sense in the world, doesn’t it?

  30. Dood
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: A lecture about accepting money in a strip where the characters regularly shower in it for the most dubious of efforts? This should be good.

  31. Illustrator Steve
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    MT – I see that Rusty’s magical back-pack has vanished again.
    I used to have a disappearing-reappearing back-pack simular to the one that keeps reappearing on Rusty’s back. Mine would disappear every time I needed to use it. It must have been contagious because now the same thing is happening to my car keys, jacket and cell phone.

  32. TheDiva
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    FC: Hee hee, it’s funny because he’s gonna puke.

    Lockhorns: Loretta lays the blame for the bad economy entirely at her husband’s feet.

  33. Man's Eternal War On Insects
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#9): I think from now on I’m going to read Sarge as an ex-SAS officer. The scion of a upper-crust family fallen on hard times, he was drummed out of the Royal Army for being too fat to fight according to the paperwork, but really for serving the High Command green tea instead of Darjeeling when they visited FOB Armadillo in Helmand Province. In shame, he moved to the States, but unable to make a go of it, he enlisted in the U.S. Army and was sent back to the Afghan frontier, this time to Zabul Province, to serve at the ironically named firebase “Camp Swampy.” /retcon

  34. Esther Blodgett
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    JP: Is Avery about to have a full-on man-baby tantrum? This could get good.

    FW: Add wedding planning to the list of things Batiuk knows nothing about.

    S4th: God, I love this strip.

  35. Doctor Handsome
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    In other news, Jeffy ate a scorpion. Let’s watch.

  36. btown
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    JP: I love Sam’s look of concern in Panel 1. “Umm, guys? Empty coffee cup over here?”

  37. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    A&J: YAY!!!!! *sniffle*

    Frazz: harumph. Calvin made his own out of ping-pong balls.

    Dilbert: Asok discovers Urban Dictionary.

    GF: ayup. I do believe I’d pointed that out earlier this week.

    NAoQV: memetastic WIN!! (to be fair, Trololo was a real thing, the rest are created.)

    PBS: Paul Stanley weeps.

    SBp: that’s not a happy accident.

    Bizarro: rofl.

    FW: /doublefacepalm.

    JUMBLE: “ruin Gene’s wedding” doesn’t fit. :-(

    SFx: Poteet, quit telling Mr. Weber Jr that you’re a kid.

    Retail: painful truth.

  38. Marc
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#26): RE F-: “I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here – close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don’t like it, leave.”

    That speech was epic. Nothing quite gets you motivated like Alec Baldwin berating you for 10 minutes. The funny thing is, I’ve never actually seen the movie but I pretty much know that speech by heart.

  39. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#16): *flute solo*

  40. Illustrator Steve
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    MT – “Let’s hold onto the kid, we may need him!”
    “Yeah, like right now we could use him to help load our truck…HEY, KID, go into the neat and tidy cabin and bring our guns out here to us! And be careful not to fool around with them because THEY ARE LOADED!”

  41. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#23): ““I feel very comfortable talking to you”

    You have now entered … the friend zone. Say hello to Gunther from “Luann” and Nikki from “RMMD” while you visit.

  42. Illustrator Steve
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MT – (Cherry): “I’m worried about Rusty, I think it’s time we went out to look for him.”
    (Andy): “ARF! ARF-ARF-ARF-ARF!! ARF-ARF! GRRRR-ARRRRF!” (translation: “Bull-sh_t! I’ve been worried about Rusty since you two adopted the son-of-a-bi_ch! I think it’s time we went out tolook for a replacement for him!”)

  43. Callidus
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MT: So now Rusty is captured and Mark is nowhere in sight, it looks like it’s up to Cherry to save him. Those poachers had better put on their cups, ’cause it’s time for Cherry’s Knees of Justice!

  44. Nogginhead
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Aha! Thus begins the origin story. Now, how will they explain how Jeffy took the ghost-name of Casper?

  45. Man\'s Eternal War On Insects
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Nogginhead (#44): In honor of Caspar Weinberger?

  46. TheDiva
    September 21st, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    9CL: Please, Amos, like Edda needs to be wearing anything provocative. That sundress and neck brace combo she’s got on today already has you going for a clumsy boob grope.

    C’shaft: I have feeling I should know what Cranky is trying to say here, but for the life of me I can’t place it.

    FW: Common wedding etiquette dictates that invitations should be sent out six eight weeks before the ceremony. With four weeks maximum to go, Les and Cayla haven’t finished arguing over the venue. (On the plus side, they don’t have to worry about honeymoon arrangements; we all know they’ll be spending it supervising the Dead Lisa Charity Run.)

    MW: “Would-you-approve-of-arranging-a-meeting-in-the-manner-of-mutually-attracted-humans?” “Affirmitive-provided-my-paternal-unit-confirms-the-desirability-of-the-contract.”

    Pibgorn: I look forward to Brooke’s commentary on the level of sophisticated genius required to make a Viagra joke.

    SM: “No wait, ‘hilarious’ isn’t the word I’m looking for, what is it? Oh yeah, ‘stupid’.”

  47. Horace Broon
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Evan, let me put it this way. Go. Now.”
    “I get the feeling you’re trying to tell me something, Aunt Cathy.”

    JP: “All this bribery, corruption, and drugs makes me sick! It’ll be such a relief to get back to Hollywood!”

    MT: At last, Andy’s on the case! It’s time for those poachers to face the one person in this strip with a brain!

  48. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, in the dying newspaper biz.

    we’re screwed.

    meanwhile, in America. (includes bourbon.)

    wanna go penguin sledding?

    a little something that might give even Poteet nightmares. [*]

    turtle in a turtleneck to make Poteet feel better.

    with apologies to Hannalore.

    Pudge in an Appa costume. my brain just asploded.

  49. Voshkod
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    With the Russians entering Berlin, Hitler tested his suicide pill on his favorite dog, Blondie. With the comet coming to pick them all up and take them to Heaven, the Family Circus tests the ‘magic kool-aid’ on their least favorite child.

  50. eriqjaffe
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Leroy is glaring at Loretta because she is well aware that, being a salaried employee, his paychecks are the same regardless of how many hours he puts in.

  51. Greg
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Morning sickness? Check. Protuberant belly? Check. Virgin insemination? Check. Little Jeffy is with child to keep the Keane line flourishing! Allelieu!

  52. bbofun
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    CRANKY- Now, I enjoy a good pun probably more than the next guy. But this isn’t even close to one. A good pun requires that the wrong word must somehow be related to the situation. So, “cash on the burrow head” would only work if you were selling a stuffed mole, prairie dog, or meerkat. Or, if it was a stuffed donkey, it could be “cash on the burro head.” See? (Does this mean I can write a nationally syndicated strip, too?)

    ASM-No. No, it’s not funny. at all.

    A3G- This, on the other hand, is HI-LARIOUS! But- didn’t he JUST START working for Margo? I mean, like, in comic-strip time, yesterday? I hardly think Margo would have given him even a single client in that time. Is he lying to dear Aunt Cathy? (No matter what, if this doesn’t end with him killing her and preserving her body down in the basement, I’ll be very disappointed.) (In other words, I’m going to be disappointed.)

    JP- Let’s face it- there’s only one thing that could save this storyline- Peaches needs to come in, guns blazing, and rescue them all!

    MW- As Dawn places her hands together in the “Monty Burns” pyramid, she feels the spirit of meddling fill her soul. Truly, Mary has found her padawan!

    Pibgorn- Yeah. This is going to be horrible.

    Words my spellcheck didn’t recognize in this post- padawan, storyline, and meerkat. (And spellcheck.)

  53. Illustrator Steve
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    MT –
    (Cherry): “I think it’s time we went out to look for Rusty!”

    (SHEEP KILLERS): “I think it’s time we get the hell outta here!”

    (Rusty): “I think it’s time to take Sassy and look for more arrow heads!”

    (Mark):”I think I will stay here at the magazine office for a few more months!”

    (Elrod): “I think it’s time to find some gigantic rodent-eating eagle clip-art to overlay the voids left to fill in tomorrow’s strip.”

    (Doc): “I think….NO, He’s probably outside!”

  54. Chareth Cutestory
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: Jeffy, we don’t know what you’re talking about. Our laundry detergent pod brand doesn’t go by the name of “Sore Throat.”

  55. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo, you’re being out-Margoed!

    BBailey: Sarge, your creators mock you.

    9CL: I’m getting seasick.
    ….as well as the regular kind.

    FW: A nod to old school FW. I’ll give them that one.

    JP: Avery… are you sure you’re from Hollywood?

    MW: Her thoughts: “He can tolerate me. Plus, he can levitate a ‘Moy + Giella’ just like Mary can! He’s a keeper!”

    NS: Wiley, you really need to keep those psychiatrist appointments.

    Glibporn: You’re a Brooke McEldowney character, genie. Don’t be so surprised.

    S-M: Are you two stooges kidding?! That wasn’t even mildly interesting!

    Zits: Amirite?

  56. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    if Batuik wrote nursery rhymes, it would be something like this.

    Parental win almost as good as Lio’s dad.

    bonus corgi for bb,u.

  57. Alfred E. Neuman
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    FC— Nice tribute to the late, lamented My Cage today: Jeffy is shown in Norm’s color with Squishy’s shape.

  58. Alter Ego
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    love is… building a fortress around your heart. Wait, was that what Sting said to do?

  59. Calico
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#10):
    Actually, I think the card must be at least 5 years old – pre-recession, when everyone stopped doing that stupid shit.

  60. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    L’horns: For the love of Hanna-Barbera, don’t look down! Your home has just slipped the surly bonds of Earth.

    FC: That’s (almost) what she (Linda Lovelace) said.

  61. Calico
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#12):
    Ah, the circle game of Autumn. Puke bugs and flu are starting to rear their Winkerbeanian little selves.
    (Our friend and neighbour has the flu-I feel badly for her.)

  62. Calico
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @jvwalt (#29): So Jeffy ate too much salsify, and now he’s going to barf. Great.

  63. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#21) on Family Circus: Punny. Very punny.

  64. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    WAAAAH! Spidey caught Clownboy in his web. I can’t believe Clown-9 didn’t pack his exploding belly button or rapidly expanding pec’s or inflatable coccyx in preparation for just this situation. I can’t believe I’ve been rooting for a clown for the past few months. WAAAAH!

  65. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    FW: What, you mean to tell me that they are going to put this damn thing on within four fucking weeks??? And all they’ve figured out is that they are going to have the ceremony at the house?? This is the biggest piece of stupid shit since the merging of the FOOB’s Lizthony four years ago…..

  66. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#Y259): Perfect!
    @Baka Gaijin (#64): Reminds me, I ordered my inflatable coccyx from the Dilbert Zone weeks ago, and it’s still not here! Halloween is just around the corner, too!

  67. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#66): Wait, what? They sell inflatable coccyxes (coccyxi?)? I’ll bet they stock it at Think Geek.

  68. Calico
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#65):
    Perhaps lightning will hit the sacred tree/new axis mundi of Westview during the nuptials, and they all die. We’ll just have to wait and see…

  69. Gal Friday
    September 21st, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: Um, that’s Leroy’s severance “package”–one page o’ nothing carefully placed in an envelope.

  70. Laura
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Poor Mrs. Keane, she’ll have to spend the night wiping up Jeffy’s barf- barf that is scattered around the house in a dotted line formation.

  71. Chaze
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    On a quick lunchbreak and have not had time to read all of the above, Please excuse any repetition:

    9CL – For every action there must be a separate and equal reaction. We are missing a nun and she must be replaced. Edda has been tabbed.

    ASM – Based on the crowd reaction shot (okay, two people) this event has driven people STARK RAVING MAD! HAHAHAHAHA!

    LuAnn – I love Miss Phelps. Adore her.

    A3G – Today’s A3G fun fact: Did you know Aunt Cathy’s last name was Bin Laden?

    JP – I have a real sense that we might just see Avery “squeal like a pig” real quick.

    MT – Another piece from the Charley Brown collection: Mark’s lamp.

    MW – Good Lord!! Those profile shots have turned Jim into Brad Pitt and Dawn into Howard Stern!!

    Back to work……..

  72. Joshua
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#15): FW: I think this may be a reference to the era when the strip was funny. Whenever the Battle of the Bands was held, it would rain.

  73. Mysterious shirtless lawyer
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Stop your whining, Jeffy, and get your sorry butt on the treadmill, now! Mommy needs the electricity for her blender! Those frozen daiquiris don’t make themselves!

  74. Snarkotix Addict
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Aunt Cathy is from a different time and place. In her younger days, she was known as Ann Eiffel. Evan? He was just a weenie.

  75. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#71) on Spiderman: Stark raving mad by their expressions or by willingly going to the site of a known confrontation, one combatant who used copious quantities of acid in a previous attack?

  76. Austria
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    I have to say, I’ve really been enjoying Insult Luann Week. Can we count on more of this in the future?

  77. bats :[
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#48): oooooooooooooooooooooh! Bebeh TAPIR!!!

  78. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn shows Jim the “this is the church, this is the steeple” bit. He’s familiar with it but can’t do it himself anymore, so thanks for the reminder, Dawn.

    WofI: On the plus side, bunnies do have a certain reputation.

    FW: I have no idea what “Cayla” is gibbering about, but I can’t help notice that this is actually Mopey Pete in a wig and fake tan.

    C-Shaft: Annie Hall has really come down in the world. Maybe she should move back to New York and give Alvy another call.

    BSt: And he looks incredible in tweed.

    JP: Avery is an 8th level movie producer, alignment Lawful Neutral, and this D&D session is gonna go on all night.

    RMMD: You can tell the Morgans have been married for a while since June is so upfront about needing to take a crap.

    DT: Chum wants to volunteer to stay behind and watch Sam die. Better that than hear the boss slurp and belch over lunch.

    Phantom: It’s time for the paler of the two mining guys to go back to business school and take a course in customer relations.

    PBS: Kroks in Satan’s Service?

    Momma: If Sonia dreams about being Eve in the Garden of Eden, I’m about to wake up screaming.

    S-M: Spidey’s victory must, of course, be accompanied by a really boring white couple making out in the audience.

    S4th: I just looked it up and “shmeggege” is not as filthy in Yiddish as it sounds in English. Still, bold move Ces.

    A3G: I’d love to know why the delightfully icy Aunt Cathy is only interested in celebs of the Bond girl caliber and up. What’s her game? Kidnapping? Marketing sex tapes?

  79. Liam
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    FC-Jeffy, next time don’t swallow. Spit.

    Lockhorns-Shoe salesmen who used to play high school football and scored four touchdowns in a single game make more than this.

    Repeating myself because I have nothing new:

    Slylock Fox-Still not a rhinestone cowboy.

    Spiderman-It’s hilarious that we’ve had to sit through weeks of Spiderman being the idiot before he finally started taking down Clown-9 when he could have taken him out the first time.

    Spiderman 2-You see how much I’ve unhinged my jaw to make me look like I’m laughing.

    JP-Now Bubba’s meth operation that is totally acceptable. Meth is a much more harmless drug than that devil weed marijuana.

    MT-Yeah. Why are you loading those bags yourself when the kid could do it.

    MW-On an unrelated note I am not tenting my fingers like this was some sort of evil scheme to get us together which is working.

    Archie-Moose, the people behind you aren’t laughing because they think your comment is funny. They are laughing because you are a complete moron.

  80. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#20): Your “HIYO” made me giggle. It’s been a while since Ed did one of those.

  81. Chaze
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#75): I think they were stupid to attend. Based on those expressions, they appear to have gone ’round the bend.

    //Maybe C9 found some of the Joker’s Rictus Grin Gas.

  82. HAnzMFG
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man really knows how to get those deranged psychopath types laughing in the audience! That guy with the eye-twitch in panel two thinks clowns going into cardiac arrest and getting tied up by spiderwebs is hilarious.

  83. Chaze
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    I would not want to be kicked in the butt by anyone. However, based on those pointy-toed shoes worn by LeRoy and Loretta, a kick in the butt from one of the Lockhorns could be fatal.

    …..git back Low Retta…..

  84. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    DT: If that diving suit is permanently anchored to the bottom of the tank, then how did they get Sam stuffed into it in the first place?

    Phantom: [DeForest Kelly] “Dammit it, I’m a miner, not a hunter!” [/Kelly] Er, you needn’t act as if you’re being put upon to do the villagers some kind of favor here. The fact is, if there’s a killer lion running around, then it’s probably in your company’s own best interest to get rid of it before trying to dig your mine there, unless you’re prepared to settle a whole lot of rather sizable OSHA claims…

  85. Chaze
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    GT – “Good afternoon, folks, your career challenged sports reporter, Marty Moon, here. Scuttlebutt has it that Milford has lost another place kicker as new recruit, Terry Gallagher, has continued tackling anyone on the field who moves, landing Brady Abro in the hospital. Word has it that Ditto Flagston will be called up from the 3rd Grade Intramural Flag Football League. Stay tuned for developments.”

  86. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#79):

    “Lockhorns-Shoe salesmen who used to play high school football and scored four touchdowns in a single game make more than this.”

    Unless they are show salesmen who also married Peg Bundy, in which case all bets are off.

  87. Liam
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Spam (#86):

    Even then. “Married With Children” always portrayed shoe salesmen as lower than low. Well I’ll make Leroy someone shoe salesmen can look down on.

  88. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#52):

    Words my spellcheck didn’t recognize in this post- padawan, storyline, and meerkat. (And spellcheck.)

    Will humanity’s time be over when spellcheck achieves self awareness?

  89. Spellcheck
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#88):


    // Dwar Ev, are you listening?

  90. Ian Beste
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Spam (#86): @Liam (#87): Peg Bundy could have Loretta Lockhorn for breakfast — if she bothered to cook.

  91. Liz
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    S-M: The conjoined circus freaks are loving the action. I loathe spiderman.

    Luann: I would be mortified as a teen if I saw I shared the same hairdo as my highschool counselor. What’s with her nameplate?

    H&J: I guess I wouldn’t mind a week of strips where he goes around punching people who use words that start with ‘N’. Probably make a good villian for spiderman.

    MW: “I’m glad we had this chat too, Jim.. hey look, I made a teepee!”

  92. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Spellcheck (#89):

    Excuse me a moment while I leap forward to grab the swit

  93. Liz
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#23):
    “Tell me, Lady Curmudgeons, does the line “I feel very comfortable talking to you” make you swoon?”

    Nope, not at all.
    Comfortable? What do you mean comfortable? Am I some kind of couch to you? A chicken-pot-pie? Wait, did you just fall asleep?!

  94. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#90): Try reading Aunt Cathy’s dialog from A3G in Peg Bundy’s voice. I think Aunt Cathy is Katey Sagal in a gray wig.

  95. Misspellcheck, the Fallen Angel
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Spellcheck (#89):


  96. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    LOCKHORNS — And how much do YOU earn, Loretta? Alleged jokes like this made more sense back when weemunfolk were expected to stay home and clean house.

  97. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#37): Thanks for inspiring me to check out SFx. Emma has captured the essence of box turtle, and yay for her.

  98. terrapin
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    MW: Poor Dawn. Wait ’til she learns that Jim is a lousy hugger.

    FW: “Hmmmm…” thinks Les “she’s smart. Maybe too smart…”

    A3G: Oh for crying out loud, Evan! Grow one would you?

  99. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#48): Never seen nuthin’ like that before! Thanks again!

  100. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    FC — It’s like they were designed for another planet where they might have to live off their butt fat for a few weeks.

  101. Poteet
    September 21st, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    9CL — Making asexuality look better and better.

  102. ZananIV
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    I’m starting to think the Lockhorns stay together just to make each other miserable. They hate each other so much that they’re willing to sacrifice their own happiness to kill their partner’s chances at living a fulfilling life. That’s insane, and, well, in a way, kind of romantic.

  103. Chaze
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    CS – I know “burrow head” is a malaprop. What I don’t know is why it’s supposed to be funny. Is he talking about something that might be on one of Bea’s walls at the lodge? And who the hell would hunt and kill a burro and then mount its head?

  104. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    A3G – See? I told you she was a Bond Villain!

  105. balthazar
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#15): don’t you get it? the battle of the bands is always in the middle of a rainstorm! always! so cayla knows not the schedule the wedding for that weekend! this is the comic strippest comic strip that ever comic stripped!

  106. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#46): FW: No worries about the invitations – there’s only about ten people to invite, and it can be easily handled by merely going into Montoni’s around dinnertime and yelling out the details.

  107. Chaze126
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @balthazar (#105): Yup. All you elitists who don’t live in a flyover zone also don’t get the joke. Nyah Nyah!

  108. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    “One-panel quickies” is not a title I need to see paired with a Lockhorns cartoon, particularly when my browser window isn’t tall enough to display all of it and I am thus left briefly imagining the possibilities before scrolling down. Argh.

    A3G – “If this Skyler person turns out to be the next Bond girl, call me. You know, leggy, stacked, and able to be coaxed into doing anything – anything – by a suitably suave, sexually experienced…um, sorry, where was I, again? Oh, right, you’re a failure and I loathe you.”

    Archie – “Our Moose is so dumb…” (“How dumb is he?”) “…he mistook an English playwright and an American novelist for Greeks!” (“But classical Greek culture had a far-reaching impact on every culture of western Europe, including England, from which the United States sprang! This is more just nonsensical than dumb!”) “Look, do you get paid to write a comic that’s been running since the ’40s? No? Didn’t think so, now shut up!”

    A&J – Aww. Bravo, everyone.

    Crankshaft – Batiuk should be fined for every instance in which he uses a contrived malapropism in place of a joke.

    DT – GWAH! More random song references!

    FC – Jeff Keane’s The Fly.

    FW – October. You know, so that the wedding can be held under those dreary gray pre-winter skies, in a damp afternoon chill. Fitting, I gue…OH FUCKING HELL THIS IS GOING TO BE A REPRISE OF LES & LISA’S HALLOWEEN WEDDING, FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKK. (Also, please welcome special guest star Emo Philips!)

    Garfield – If this ends in Jon being burned in his house, I’m all for it.

    JP – Man, Sam is just dismayed that nobody is paying attention to him. Deal with it, buddy; Bea and Toad here are far more entertaining than you’ve ever been.

    Lola – AUGH

    Luann – “Let’s be honest, you look like a potato with hair. But looking at your brother, it’s a genetic legacy you’re unlikely to escape. But hey, it could be worse. You could look like a sexualized Muppet.”

    Mandrake – So he stops a crime by forcing the criminal to commit another crime in the view of a cop? Yeah, that’s ethical.

    MT – The most indecisive criminal in history? Studies say “yes.”

    MW – You have got to be kidding me.

    NAOQV – Beg your pardon, but “Trololo” and “Numa Numa” are both real songs.

    Popeye – Popeye blows the lid off the Illuminati ocean-draining conspiracy. DON’T LISTEN TO GOVERNMENT LIES, SHEEPLE!

    SF – Everything is better with Yiddish, even Sally Forth. Ces, you’re a real mensch.

  109. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    CS: “That depends… Moravian or Bohemian?”

  110. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 21st, 2012 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#108):

    “MT – The most indecisive criminal in history? Studies say “yes.” ”

    To be fair, The Second Sheepkiller (former star of The Wakefield Master’s best medieval play) has a tough choice to make.

    “Hmm, we’re already wanted in six states for sheep-killing. If we let the kid go while we escape, we will soon be wanted in seven states for sheep-killing. On the other hand, if we finish him off we will still be wanted in only six states for sheep-killing. We’ll also be wanted in this state for kidnapping and murder, but at least they won’t be able to pin sheep-killing on us in a seventh state. What to do, what to do…”

  111. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail–

    Considering the Trails are environmental watchdogs, they should have implanted a GPS chipped pit tag on Rusty years ago.

    Or, perhaps they made him never leave the house without rubbing a raw steak on his face (so that Andy Dog or Sassy Dog can sniff out Rusty when participates in his substitution for summer camp: being kidnapped, annually.)

  112. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trial-*

    Will the kidnappers tie Rusty on the hood of their pick-up? It looks ever so full with their gear.

    * Mark Trail’s identical cousin, the environmental lawyer

  113. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    So, Mary Worth’s disguise as the helmet-haired Jim has proven to be a rousing success. As usual Maruy makes the Impossible Missions possible!

    We now should look forward to more recaps about many more tales of nautical disasters… for these are the Repeats of Their Lives.

  114. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#113):

    Crap! That post was going to serve to address today’s Mary Worth and Maury Povich*

    *Actually, is he still on?

    SpellCHEEEECK! /col. klink

  115. Liam
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    MT-”I’m getting worried. Rusty is late. When’s he late it means he is kidnapped but that is on Thursday and today is Tuesday.”

    MW-”I feel very comfortable talking to you, Dawn, because it means there are people out there whose lives are worse off than mine.”

  116. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#106):But that’s what they did last time!

    Since Les is going to sully his original wedding date by getting married in the same month he did the 1st time, one has to ask whether they are going to wear costumes to this wedding. Last time, Les and St. Lisa wed dressed as Batman and Robin… this time, Les marries as:

    1) Batman and Robin (mk. 2)
    2) Shreck and Donkey
    3) Bert and Ernie
    4) ???

  117. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116):

    4) Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV’s Frank?
    4) Roosevelt and Taft?

  118. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @HAnzMFG (#82): I think “clowns going into cardiac arrest and getting tied up by spiderwebs is” the start of a great snuff film.

    @Chaze (#83): They can kick every clown they see, just for me.

    @seismic-2 (#94): That’s both hilarious and disturbing simultaneously. Simultaneously I say!

  119. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

  120. Chaze126
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116):

    4) Laverne and Shirley
    4) Spock and Uhuru

  121. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 21st, 2012 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

  122. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 21st, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

  123. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

  124. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

  125. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2012 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

  126. tallyHO
    September 21st, 2012 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116):

    4) Bonnie and Cried
    4) Lisa’s Man and She’s Olda
    4) Less and More (more or less)

  127. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    September 21st, 2012 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    (Even)Bigporn: That djinn looks like he needs some of that viagra, judging from the last panel.

    I bet there’s some porno webcomic out there that McEldowney is drawing.

  128. There have always been Snarkadders at Curmudgeon Farm
    September 21st, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116): this time, Les marries as:

    4. Bubble and Squeak?

  129. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

  130. Sgt. Stoned
    September 21st, 2012 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    MT: Nah, Cherry, if I were you I’d think about it for a couple more weeks. BTW, it’s been ages since we have seen Mark, Is he off canoodling with Kelly Welly?

Comments are closed for this post.