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Crock, 8/10/18

So, uh, seven years ago Bill Rechin, the creator of Crock, died, and then a year after that his son Kevin, who had taken over, said that continuing the strip made him depressed so he wasn’t going to do it anymore, and, uh, well, it’s 2018 now and Crock still appears on King Features’ website (and presumably in print newspapers, who can say, someone who still subscribes to a print newspaper, I guess) with “©2018” at the bottom, and I just have never really gotten a handle on whether they’re reruns or someone is still churning these out or what. What I’m saying is, it might’ve been just barely possible in 2011 to imagine that there was a living person who believed that “chat rooms” were a kind of online space that was common and that “Dear chat room” was a normal and believable way someone introduced themselves there. Today, though, when we have Facebook groups like “Carrion Eaters Discussion Group (Positive Vibes Only)” and subreddits like /r/eatersofthedead and probably darkweb sites where you can use bitcoin to buy meat at exactly the right level of rottedness for your needs — well, this strip needs to get with the times, is what I’m saying.

Family Circus, 8/10/18

Jeffy is at that developmental stage where he thinks that the ability to record language via writing is “hip” and “with it” but can’t actually read yet. I guess Big Daddy Keane was banking on at least one of the literate kids being with the younger ones at all times, forgetting what he ought to know deep in his bones: nobody wants to hang around with Jeffy.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/18

Because I hate myself, I actually dug through my archives to find the last wedding they had at Montoni’s, which was apparently back in 2014, although that was when Wally and Rachel tried to get married outdoors but were driven by a vengeful God into Northeast Ohio’s most depressing pizza parlor. Speaking of hating yourself, though, Cory and Rocky look to be actually contemplating using the family’s grease-stained sadness hole as their Plan A, possibly because it’s the only retail business in town still in business other than Komix Korner and they still have just the tiniest shred of dignity left.

Gasoline Alley, 8/10/18

“I always say — most of our material circumstances are determined by inherited wealth, and meritocracy is a lie!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/10/18

THAT’S MY BOY! THIS IS THE HIGH POINT OF MY LIFE! MY MARRIAGE TO YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FIRST STEPS — ALL BULLSHIT! THIS IS THE BEST GAME OF PINBALL I’VE EVER PLAYED AND I’M GONNA SPEND MY FEW REMAINING YEARS WATCHING IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, SO KEEP FILMING OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU’LL REGRET IT

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Spider-Man, 8/6/18

Actually, there’s a wide variety of apps out there that can help you learn a second language on your own — Duolingo’s the most popular, but it’s an area where there’s a whole lot of competition. Of course, if you live in an predominantly immigrant neighborhood where you still speak your native tongue on an everyday basis and don’t have much chance to practice the language you’re learning on an everyday basis, you might come off a little stilted; still, you have to admit that, while Claw sometimes chooses a big word where a small one will do, any English-speaker will be able to understand him easily. How’s your Cantonese, anyway, Peter?

Family Circus, 8/6/18

About 10 years ago, I watching the Wizard of Oz with my niece, who was about 8 or 9 at the time, and in the very first scene that takes place in Oz, she said, “Look, Uncle Josh, you can tell they filmed this inside” — and it’s true! It’s really quite obvious it’s on a set. I had a sad moment of thinking “oh no, the kids today are too media savvy to enjoy this movie,” but then she followed up with “–and that’s how you know this is a magical land that they’re in!” It really warmed my heart that she had actually constructed this elaborate theory of the film’s visual semiotics that allowed her enjoy it all the more. Another generation was still going to find itself enraptured by this wonderful movie! Anyway, like I said, that was a decade ago, and all I can say seeing this panel is: welp, we had a good run.

Gil Thorp, 8/6/18

“They’re sure a lot more pleasant than the public school kids I spend most of my time with! Those priests are still allowed to beat some respect into them, I guess.”

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Marvin, 7/31/18

It’s weird how the Marvin cast of babies walk around unsupervised, talk, can grasp object permanence, etc., and really the only thing that marks them out as infants is that they’re short and aren’t potty trained. Almost as if someone just really likes the idea of functional adults shitting themselves deliberately on the regular, and who am I to judge! Ha ha, just kidding, I judge constantly, and in non-shitting judging news, why would a baby be at all interested in a fountain of youth? I guess maybe as a baby he recognizes the extreme jealousy his youth inspires in others and seeks to monetize it; or, conversely, maybe to him “youth” means young adulthood, and he aims to accelerate his fellow babies’ aging process until their physical development matches their mental state. They’re still gonna shit their pants, though! Just a hunch I have about that.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/31/18

I’d always just pegged Parson Tuttle as an uncomplicated grifter, but now I see he has a much darker design: to use Scripture as a recruiting tool to raise an army of child soldiers, like an Appalachian Kony. Can the women in this community hold the line against the total violent breakdown of their community?

Family Circus, 7/31/18

I have to admit that seeing a sugar-drunk Jeffy announcing that he’s discovered he can just guzzle syrup straight from the bottle and plans to continue to do so made me smile. The only way this panel could be even better would be if, instead just a single demure droplet of syrup at the corner of his mouth, he was completely covered in the stuff, like he had poured it over his head and let ooze down and form a delicious, sticky mask. Can’t even open his eyes because of the syrup and happy as a clam, a dumb, gross, syrup-soaked clam.