Archive: Family Circus

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Family Circus, 6/24/24

I think it’s a not uncommon phenomenon to have one grandmother who, while still loving, is just less on your wavelength than the other one. Like, there’ll be one grandma who’s happy to really get into your shenanigans, and another one whose vibe is more like Grandma Keane here, who is clearly thinking “Oh, was his father this stupid when he was this age? I don’t think he was.”

Gil Thorp, 6/24/24

There are two different kinds of newly partnered up divorced guys: the ones who treat their new relationship as an opportunity to completely remake their life, and get frosted tips and make embarrassing decisions about vehicle purchases; and the ones who simply slot their new partner, hopefully willingly, into the comfortable paired up life they’ve experienced for decades. Anyway, Beth, Gil’s new bartendress lover, seems happy enough to deploy her professional skills in service of the the Thorpian summer tradition of sitting on the lawn and enjoying an icy cold beverage, and hopefully will be equally amenable to other summer traditions, like plotlines on the wackiness level of “juvenile delinquents forced to battle one another for the entertainment of their sadistic warden and an audience of streaming viewers.”

Marvin, 6/24/24

You probably think that being the “comics curmudgeon” is some kind of dream come true. But did you know that sometimes it involves staring at a Marvin panel and seeing purple liquid coming out of Marvin’s diaper, maybe, and trying to figure out if you’re misreading that or if the intended reading is that he’s leaking poop or piss and the colorist is making a desperate attempt to protect us from that knowledge. Also, why are they punishing him? Is this considered a good potty training technique, to punish kids for accidents? I’ve never bought into Freudian theory, but maybe there’s something to it if this is common. On the other hand, I do think Marvin in general needs to be punished more. Being the comics curmudgeon is hard, is my point! I have to think about this stuff every day! For you! For you!

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Beetle Bailey, 6/22/24

My wife and I are aficionados of real, non-microwave popcorn, and there are two ways to make this at home: you can do it in a metal pot on your stove, or you can use an electric air popper. What you can’t do is just leave a big metal pot on the end table next to your couch, not even plugged into the wall, and then doze off and expect popcorn to manifest itself there. Maybe this makes me a “comics curmudgeon” of some sort, but I think things in comic strips should more or less look like the real physical objects they’re supposed to represent. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Family Circus, 6/22/24

OK, sorry, I love it when Jeffy is dumb, but when Billy is? It’s not cute or charming at all. He’s the eldest and he should know better. You can tell Big Daddy Keane is thinking it too. Sure, the metric system is part of the UN one world government conspiracy to undermine American sovereignty, but that doesn’t excuse Billy from learning the absolute most basic and introductory fact about it, c’mon man.

Mary Worth, 6/22/24

Are you, Wilbur? Are you better? Are you better, really? Have you dealt with all your emotional stuff about your exes and your romantic failure and whatever it was that caused you to think it was a good idea to let your friends and family think for a week that you were dead? Or are you just experiencing the endorphin rush of getting some attention, just like the attention you hoped to get by showing up back home after letting everyone think for a week that you were dead? It’s the second one, right? You just like attention? You haven’t grappled with your many emotional and personality problems, at all?

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Family Circus, 6/21/24

Lord, I am a simple man, and one of my favorite Family Circus bits is when Jeffy just says some of the dumbest shit imaginable. Today’s dumb shit is particularly fun for me because it’s actually two different kinds of dumb shit that are a little bit in tension with one another. Because on the one hand, do you think other animals have to buy clothes? Maybe you think they should, but they clearly don’t. And second, you know that the turtle isn’t in his shell, but, biologically speaking, he is his shell, right? It’s part of his body; there’s not some naked little shell-less turtle inside of it. Like, imagine a scenario where a turtle ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and his eyes were opened, and he realized that he’s naked. He’s going to have to make or buy clothes for himself! His shell doesn’t count! He’s going to have to pull his clothes over his shell, and how stupid is that going to look?

Hagar the Horrible, 6/21/24

Oh, my friend! That raise was never yours! In this economic arrangement Hagar, the owner of the boat, is capital, and you are labor. You receive the prevailing wage as your salary, and Hagar appropriates the surplus value generated by your efforts for his own uses. Don’t let misogyny blind you to the economic realities of your situation! Your choices are submission, entrepreneurship, or revolution!