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The Parkerville Smugsaw Massacre

Judge Parker, 10/13/12

Dear Judge Parker: I’m sorry I ignored you for, like, months while you winded your way through a boring fishing/vague hints of marijuana badness plotline! I’m not sure how we’re going to get from “horrifying, bloody chainsaw murder” to “our heroes will be handed a large pile of money and/or adulation that they didn’t deserve,” but I’m very interested in finding out and will be paying close attention from now on!

Crankshaft, 10/13/12

Wow, it looks like Crankshaft is even more death-haunted than yesterday’s strip led us to believe! The end is closer than it appears … much closer. Will Crankshaft die, say, tomorrow? Leaving entropy to slowly and silently advance in each subsequent strip, until we reach the heat death of the Funkyverse?

205 responses to “The Parkerville Smugsaw Massacre”

  1. Agoraphobic Turtle
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Well sure, the end may be closer than it appears… if you stay fixated on cryptic messages on your mirrors and don’t watch the freakin’ road.

  2. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Sarge recognizes that the military receives a disproportionately oversize share of the budget, so he tries to spread the wealth aroung the local community. Oh, wait. He’s just a fat guy, and you know what they say about fat people and food, amiright?

    JP: This might well be the greatest Judge Parker strip ever. I love how Avery, while hopeful to live, is excited as a child at the prospect of so cinematic a demise. I’ve love for him to get his own strip — he could travel from town to town, ostensibly to scout locations for movies, but would always get embroiled in some local mystery, get captured/kidnapped, laugh in the face of death, and then buy his way out by offering to let them keep the movie rights if he gets to produce.

  3. Marion Delgado
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    I’m the only person here who called the Dexter/Judge Parker crossover.

  4. Droopy Says
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Seriously, is anyone checking on Jack Elrod? Because either the distributor has dropped quite a few installments of Mark Trail or the man is having problems. Yesterday’s yacht has turned into an outboard motorboat, and the Caribbean looks a lot like a swamp.

  5. Amateur
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    MW: So . . . Merry died on the ferry? Oh, come on, Mary Worth, this is just TOO easy.

  6. Liam
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MT-Look out, Mark, you just snagged your hat .

    MT 2-Wow! Mark took Andy with him instead of Rusty. I guess we know who Mark’s favorite is.

    JP-I thought Bubba would be in a K hole instead of a mine shaft.

    MW-Looks like Merry isn’t so merry anymore.

    RMMD-You see, Rex, Honey turned the knob to turn the water on and it came off in her hands. Would you like her to demonstrate?

    Crankshaft-Please let this mean that this strip is going to end soon.

    Spiderman-To the airport. The Parkers are going to Las Vegas.

  7. Little Blue Bicycle
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    What if Les Moore is just a feature of Crankshaft’s dying brain?

  8. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Arg.Sweat.: Hilburn’s deliberate stupidity is beginning to annoy me. “Dead Poets Society” was a movie. It was not a book. It was not a movie made from a book. — Ok. They did make a book — from the movie. But that shouldn’t count.

    // You can buy the book made from the movie from Amazon, used, paperback, for a penny. Or, in “turtleback” for $169. I didn’t know what turtleback was, either. From the price, you might imagine that it meant bound in morrocan leather, gold inlaid, etc.. Actually it is a kind of cardboard binding used by libraries for popular paperbacks. The price is just one of those Amazon anomolies.

    H&J: “The way some people give, you’d think the Church was coin-operated.”
    It is, pastor. It is.

    // How long you been in this business?

    MW: Panel one: When you touch me, I feel like puking.

  9. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#2) on Beetle Bailey: It’s the fat guy thing.

    @Amateur (#5): Argh! You spoiled the surprise. I haven’t read Mary Worth yet. Damn. I guess I don’t have to read it now.

  10. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    A&J: Ludwig knows about Verlander, Janis doesn’t.

    IP: “uh, open sasparilla?”

    Lio: *golf clap*

    R&R: brave strip to run on game day. ;-)

    SBp: unspeakable filth!

    Bizarro: after hours at MT.

    FW: /facepalm

    JUMBLE: “did a golf joke” doesn’t fit.

    Pluggers doing a JUMBLE joke.

    6Cx: Edda Burber, +5 years.

    SFx: the dog dies of cancer from eating the Montoni’s pizza.

  11. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .safe words.

  12. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    JP: Amazing. I never thought a juggless Juggs Parker strip could be this good.

    RMMD: Psst, Rex, you have a tiny ice boogie hanging out of your nose.

  13. Leifr
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Hey, Crankshaft is featured in Ripley’s Believe it or Not today. And no it is not the 60 million old crusty turtle fossil.

  14. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    I’m worried about Loretta Lockhorn. Her belly got so big the tent of a dress she’s wearing, in a Mary Worth approved color, hides her gigantic clodhopper feet.

    When Pluggers have cross words, one of them ends up either southern fried or fricasseed.

    Aaand at this point, Thel is glad she home schooled Dolly. Unable to read, Dolly gladly uses milk that expired during the Carter Administration.

    The last panel of Get Fuzzy is priceless. It can stand alone on its merits. It’s hilarious. Did I mention I liked the last panel of today’s Get Fuzzy? I did.

  15. cartooncritic2544
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    “Yesteday’s” Crankshaft is actually two days old.

    Judge Parker: C’mon guys. You really think this is going to involve a horrific chain saw murder? No, more likely, it will turn out that Bubba just happens to be cutting firewood while giving Avery a stern talking to. Meanwhile, Sam will stand around, smirking, and waiting for someone to hand him a large sum of money for “negotiating the film rights” to Avery’s fishing trip.

  16. Liam
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Pluggers-”Goose egg” is actually a code word for the abortion she was forced to have that she still hasn’t gotten over.

  17. TheDiva
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Yay, Crankshaft’s gonna die soon! Best news I’ve had all week.

    JP: Why not just board the mine up? All those signs (complete with skull and crossbones logo) and mysterious 55-gallon drums are just going to encourage curious people.

  18. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Let’s see. What kind of con is floweredy shirt guy and a young Paul Prudhomme up to in Mark Trail? Smuggling Bazooka Joe bubble gum inside smelts. Talking freshwater clams. Hint to bad guys: Hook Mark for sure with an “anti-phermone” that scares away anyone without Y chromosomes.

  19. Liam
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    JP-C’mon, Bubba. There are easier and less complicated ways of killing Avery than by dropping a mine shaft on him.

  20. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#14) re: Lockhorns: My thought was, “In today’s performance, Loretta Lockhorn will be played by Divine.”

  21. Mibbitmaker
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    JP: Not so much a Hollywood movie (script) as an EC horror comic!

    Crank: I’m not as old as Cranky, so…. so……. aw, hell, I’m going back to the library to read that Newsweek article about proof of the afterlife I skimmed the other day… after I stop this shivering in the corner of my bedroom……..

    Something tells me it’s going to be an exceptionally scary Halloween in the comics this year…

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    lil boxer pup. I love brindles.

    meanwhile, in Camelot.

    next, in Pluggers.

    meanwhile, in Westview.

    for bats :[. (also, it’s Flying Squirrels vs bats for next week’s squee critter.)

    corgador!

    my mind is officially blown.

    corgsqui.

  23. Mibbitmaker
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    JP: Rhea Perlman’s divorce lawyer, everybody.

  24. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19): A mine shaft falls on you. Take climbing damage.

  25. TheDiva
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    9CL: I’m not sure what specific political philosophy Brooke is espousing here apart from “all politicians are crooks,” which is the sort of trenchant insight most of us reached at about the time we reached voting age, if not sooner.

    A3G: So? If movies are anything like the rest of the Apartment 3-G universe she’ll never get shot below the breast line anyway.

    FW: Because Lord knows, two high school faculty members (and any co-workers they want to invite to the ceremony) don’t have anything else they should be doing on a Monday in October. (Oh who cares, at least it’s not the 20th–I would hate having to share my anniversary with Mr. and Mrs. Smirkyface.)

    Luann: I’m 35. The thought that Luann considers me old and out-of-touch is…strangely comforting, actually.

    MT: “I’m sure glad Rusty isn’t here to enjoy this!”

    MW: Take heart, Jim. Merry’s in a better place now, where there’s no suffering, grief, or stupid jokes about her name every single December…

    SM: “…But he’s on the other side of the country right now. Oh well. Time for Dancing With the Stars!”

  26. PMMDJ
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    “Heat Death of the Funkyverse” is totally going to be the name of my band’s next album.

  27. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    JP: I know we ‘Mudges still have a warm spot in out hearts for the wonderful JP art work of the late Eduardo Barreto, but this in no way should diminish our appreciation for Mike Manley’s great rendering today of the Mineshaft of Doom! BTW, fans of comics art may want to check out Manley’s blog and then scroll down to the bottom and click on the link to past entries about Judge Parker.

  28. Inkwell
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    That car…

    ~sigh~

    This is what passes for perspective in the Funkyverse.

  29. HAnzMFG
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Unfortunately, there isn’t a T. Red behind Cranky’s car, only existential doom created by universal hopelessness and doom, waiting to swallow him and everyone into a collossal black maw that nobody sees.

  30. Weaselboy
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    FW: Okay, but I’ve got to go to work right after.

  31. CanuckDownSouth
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#Y60): There’s something Biblical about the Moore-Williams invitations. Wasn’t there a New Testament bit about a feast or a wedding or something, where the invited guests didn’t show up and the host was force to bring in the riffraff? I’m sure it’s somewhere in the Revelation to St. John, because what could be more appropriate than a touch of the Apocalypse?

    Actually Matthew Ch 22 1-14, but it does end with a man tossed out into the darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, so I’m sure we’ll be seeing *plenty* of parallels.

  32. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: And yet, as someone here pointed out a while back, the Lockhorns, cruel, miserable, overweight, unattractive, unpleasant as they are, seem to be invited to, and attend, fancy parties every single night.

    // They must have been the cool kids in high school. Once you get that imprimatur, you never lose it.

  33. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#27): Hear, hear. Mike Manley (long may he draw!) is a master of the craft.

  34. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#32): I think they’re couple everyone invites so they can feel good by comparison.

  35. Chareth Cutestory
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: When we last saw Adam he was menacing Avery with that length of chain… which was then only used to cinch up his overalls.

    Papa Bubba will swing the chainsaw at Avery, miss him, strike the wall of the mine and bury himself and Adam. A rich vein of gold will be revealed ($), Sam will dig up life insurance policies on Bubba and Adam with legal sub-clauses that make them payable to victims of menacing by said insured ($$), and will Avery will turn the whole story into a blockbuster movie ($$$).

  36. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Oh. Dammit. Now I’m all sad about Devil. :(

  37. Esther Blodgett
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    FW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONONONONO. Yuk. Just…yuk.

  38. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Amateur (#5): it seems like it. I’ll bet the whole incident was scary, too.

  39. wossname
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#36): I’m sad about Devil too, but don’t you think there’s a pretty good chance that he’ll revive or be reincarnated as the next Devil or something?

  40. Justin
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Heat Death? Please. We all know the Funkyverse will die from cancer. Even then, the strips will run for years. Every single strip will just be the smug, grinning face of ghost Lisa.

  41. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MW: Poor Dawn. Her new pre-beau was so traumatized by his ordeal that he thinks his dead sister was male Hobbit, assuming he ever had a sister. Tomorrow we learn there never was a ferry crash, but rather, he cut off his arm having become convinced that his class ring was the Ring of Power.

  42. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    JP — This is Avery we’re talking about, Josh, and he has just demonstrated yet again that he is seriously annoying. Bloody, yes, horrifying, maybe not so much.

  43. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    I hope Cranky doesn’t go down the same dry ravine as Aldo, it would be like desicrating sacred space.

  44. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#20): Divine, good choice. He had better taste than Loretta, didn’t he? He wouldn’t be caught dead (sorry) in a salmon-square inspired tent that showed no cleavage.

    @Poteet (#42): Ha ha HA!

  45. Dale
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#4):

    MARK TRAIL -

    This little bit of the story makes sense. Given that they are after bonefish, they need to be in shallow water, close to shore.

  46. Vince M
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    MT: This could be good – a guest appearance by Torgo!

  47. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    9CL — Isn’t Thorax supposed to be some kind of deity or superintelligent alien or some such? Or is he just a large random guy with a teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy brain?

  48. Dale
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    FUNKY -

    Monday morning, most of the band members are going to be pissed when they find there are no chairs in the practice room.

  49. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Fred – I’m always grateful to the Darkgate Comic Slurper for telling me how many hours ago the strip refreshed. It’s the only way I can tell it’s not the same one from yesterday.

    Baby – Hammie needs to toughen up a bit.

  50. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Oh boy! Crankshaft is going to be murdered, and Les is going to solve it. I know, you’re all hoping they’ll both go out together, but one thing at a time.

    Slylock – Get that dog out of here! He’s ruining a carefully crafted porn setup! Unless he’s the star.

  51. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    I thought that Avery was supposed to be blindfolded.

    After spouting for weeks about how he wasn’t going to tell anybody about the pot growing, he now says “This WILL make a good MOVIE.”

    Yes, because it has all the elements of a great classic. A nonsensical plot that moves at the speed of idiocy, an idiot that goes against all practical advice to risk his life for a few fishing pictures plus a maniac pot farmer. Picture watching The Goonies, Gigli and Hotel Hell simultaneously. And get really high.

  52. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Snuffy – Instead of th’ jedge, Snuffy got the real hard-ass judge who insists on correct spelling and complete sentences!

    Beetle – I knew Sarge was a glutton, but I didn’t know he was a sucker for souvenirs. Is he a tchotchke-holic?

    Judge – Ho ho, Readers! Avery should have “saw” this coming!

  53. Mr K Martin
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    CRANKY WINKERSHAFT: While Crankshaft is distracted by the ominous message in his rearview, his car will careen off the road and crash into the wedding of Les and She-Who-Is-Not-Lisa killing Crank and all the wedding guests including the bride and groom exactly at the moment when they pledge the rest of their lives to each other. It will be the ultimate Funkyverse Misery Orgy which will result in all those dozens of Batiuk fans cumming in their pants at the same time on Monday morning.

    The only survivor will be Summer, who missed the wedding, and who will, as a result, become a depressed heroin addict in the new Batiuk strip “Summer Feels Sorry For Herself Forever”.

  54. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#31): And nobody does weeping and gnashing of teeth better than Funky Winkerbean.

  55. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Phantom – Swiped Devil “a good one”? She swiped him a new one.

    Rx – Rex thinks he’s shooting beefcake pix for TIME.

    Mary“My sister’s name was Merry…I think about her every day… especially around Christmas.” [*]

    TIAOFJ – I see Nancy, and Wiley, and Brooke, and … huh … Lio.

  56. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#y51): Don’t worry about leaving 9CL out of your parody. Think about it — the most humiliating thing you can do to Brooke is not to think about him at all.

    @TheDiva (#25): “I’m sure glad Rusty isn’t here to enjoy this!”
    Perfection in nine words.

    I’m 35. The thought that Luann considers me old and out-of-touch is…strangely comforting, actually.
    I’m 55. I find the idea she probably sees no real difference in our ages oddly appealing.

    @wossname (#39): I’m sad about Devil too, but don’t you think there’s a pretty good chance that he’ll revive or be reincarnated as the next Devil or something?
    See my comment yesterday: “We need another Devil!”

  57. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Les should invite Crankshaft to his wedding. Certainly I would invite my bus driver from 40 years ago to my second wedding. It just wouldn’t be a party without … I think his name was Ray.

    After several time jumps in Funky and none in Crank, the age difference has more or less evaporated. Funky looks into Crank’s dead eyes and realizes that they are the same tired, baggy, withered eyes he sees in the bathroom mirror every morning. “You’ve stolen my soul, old man.”

  58. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    RMMD: “I dunno. Things just get turned on and squirt when Ginger and I are around. This place is strange like that.”

  59. Bob White-Quail
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#57): I think that, due to time jumps, Crankshaft is already dead in current Funky Winkerbean continuity as Crankshaft is pre-2nd time jump. I recall Batiuk doing a series of Crankshafts a few years ago where a wheel-cheer bound, oxygen-wearing Ed croaked it at a ball game. (It turned out that Batiuk’s father had died recently and those strips were a sort of homage to him, not that anyone here felt bad about snarking on them.)

  60. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#47): 9CL — Isn’t Thorax supposed to be some kind of deity or superintelligent alien or some such? Or is he just a large random guy with a teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy brain?

    I don’t see where the concepts are mutually exclusive. Ok, maybe scratch superintelligent alien. But deity does not preclude inanity. (T-shirt slogan?)

    // Indeed, dumb cruel gods are the rule rather than the exception.

  61. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    JP: Bubba was supposed to be harvesting marajuana plants, which you don’t do with a chainsaw nor in a mineshaft. Is there something else going on or is this like a really weird, extended dream sequence?

  62. hogenmogen
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#59): Oh, is THAT what that creepy series was all about? I knew it was homage to Batuik’s dad, but I didn’t know for certain that it was Crank, since he kept showing up like a case of recurring genial warts.

  63. The Doctor
    October 13th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: …and my brother’s name was Pippin. My parents were really obsessed with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I mean, REALLY obsessed. My dad often dressed up as Gandalf when pleasuring my mom. It got her horny…

  64. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    MT: Well, around here it will at least be our lucky day, when Mark’s behind-the-head cast hooks into his ear. And does Popeye know that Brutus is moonlighting in an even less comprehensible strip than his own?

  65. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    JP: The truth comes out. The trout, the pot farm? It was all just an elaborate ruse. The entire thing was set up by Leatherface, who got screwed by Avery on residuals a few years back.

    MT: Brace yourselves for high seas adventure as Mark squares off against Bob Vila and Jimmy Buffett.

    WofI: I guess the apprentice is lucky that the king’s solution wasn’t to put him in the center of a big maze. Or maybe that’s just the state of the Id budget.

    FW: October 15th? Let me check my calendar. Oh, sorry, that’s the date I’m getting a pedicure and a root canal and my cousin is getting Bar Mitzvahed even though our family isn’t Jewish and I’m joining the Cameroonian army.

    9CL: Good God, it’s like your ill-informed but opinionated elderly relative swallowed a thesaurus.

    BC: The dictionary was just trying to get you to bend over, honey.

    RMMD: Your talking to a man whose perspiration has just penetrated his nose and dribbled out his nostril. He knows a thing or two about strange goings-on.

    BB: Given the toys suspended from nothing over their heads, I’m guessing the path takes them through the Village of the Damned.

    GT: Doyle must have also told Terry that he needs to up the exposition portion of his dialogue.

    FC: “Tell you what, dear. If the cereal isn’t outnumbered by white chunks in the milk, you’re good to go.”

    DtM: “You can call me anything you like, sweet-cheeks.”

    Luann: Don’t be so eager, Shannon. There’s no dignity in being an adolescent female on Evans’ watch.

    S-M: “Not enough to do any real digging, you understand…”

    Lockhorns: Loretta went to the party dressed as a Franciscan monk, which could be seen as a blow for gender equity in itself.

  66. Karen, A Busty Redhead 36E
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#60): Because dumb, cruel gods are more plausible?

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#55): Got your explanation of “TIAOFJ” yesterday, but the “F” wasn’t explicated. And yet I have no problem filling it in.

  68. Amos Snarkadder
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#65):

    Luann: Don’t be so eager, Shannon. There’s no dignity in being an adolescent female on Evans’ watch.

    Excellent. Worthy of COTW!!

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#25):

    A3G: So? If movies are anything like the rest of the Apartment 3-G universe she’ll never get shot below the breast line anyway.

    Hell, we know for a fact that she could give birth while in front of the camera and there’d be know way of knowing. Just have the best boy ready with a pair of strong scissors.

  70. Alfred E. Neuman
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#62) : “…he kept showing up like a case of recurring genial warts.”

    If you’re going to have warts, those are the best kind. I hate those crummy unfriendly warts.

  71. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#50) on Slylock Fox: If it were a big white and black dog, it’d be “Hot Pizza Delivery in the Lost Forest” starring Cherry Trail as “Cherry” and Andy as “Rex.” *

    * Cherry does have a stripper name, doesn’t she.

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#52) on Beetle Bailey: Not souvenirs. Think “sex toys.”

    @hogenmogen (#61): Harvesting plants with a chainsaw in a mine shaft. Sounds like Freud’s favorite dream.

  72. cartooncritic2544
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#59): @hogenmogen (#62), @Bob White-Quail (#59): Crankshaft is supposedly set in the past (Kayla was seen recently as a 20 year old college student). However both strips reference (even if obliquely) current events, modern technology, etc. Given Batuik’s love of silver age DC comics (the ones he traces now and then in lieu of actually drawing a Sunday strip), the most likely explanation is that we’re actually dealing with some sort of parallel earth concept: Earth 1 and Earth Cancer, most likely.

  73. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#59): I think that was a substitute old man from Crankshaft’s team.

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#67): The F is in honor of my old friend Dave, my 8th-grade locker partner. We were all hanging around in the basement one day in the 70s, and some were getting set to go somewhere else and asked if he was coming with, and (without rancor, mind you) he said, “Fuckin’ I’m stayin’ fuckin’ here! Fuck you fuckers.” Dave, I would add, was phenomenally skilled at games of coordination, like pool, and when he got bored throwing Home Runs on the baseball thing on the back of the dartboard, he took to throwing through the space between the rafters and the crossbeam, and he still hit too many of them. Even after he lost a hand in a construction accident, he could still sink those numbered balls. He deserved better than what he got. Compared to his natural gifts, his life never seemed to go anywhere. It ended in a hospital bed on Tuesday. Fuck cancer.

  74. cartooncritic2544
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#65): S-M: “Not enough to do any real digging, you understand…” It would be great if we find out that Kraven was released from prison because Spider-man was too busy watching TV to show up at his trial.

  75. A Dear Reader
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    FW What?! Who invites people to a wedding 2 days before the date of the wedding?
    Great, just great. It’s too late to get the blue suit to the cleaners and back in time, so I’ll have to wear the charcoal grey. And I’ll have to drive from the SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE, because at this point airline fares will be outrageous, if even available, which means I need to leave tomorrow, make a reservation at the Westview Ritz Carlton and stay 2 nights. At least there is time to order a gift online. Does anyone know where they are registered?
    Very inconvenient and inconsiderate. All this to sit under a tree with sap dripping on you while a high school band plays theme music from Dr. Zhivago, then sit under a tent and eat cold pizza and drink sparkling cider. I’ll say very honestly, I wonder if it is worth it.

  76. Alter Ego
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    love is… not making any snarky comments about your partner’s “back story.”

  77. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#60): Having recently watched the RING cycle, I’m not about to argue.

  78. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    FW: I hope Les and Cayla failed to send a wedding invitation to Mary Worth. I am simply not capable of witnessing yet another visitation by Gina’s giant floating head in the clouds. I hope that by some careless oversight they also failed to invite Wally Winkerbean, who will then become so unglued as a result of this perceived slight by his Montoni’s co-worker that he shows up at the ceremony anyway, armed with an Uzi.

  79. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#60): But deity does not preclude inanity. To wit, Spidey’s recent visit to Asgard.

  80. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73): I will remember the story of Dave. And yes, FC.

  81. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @A Dear Reader (#75): The happy couple are registered at “VHSTapeShredders.com” and the Tumor Registry at Westview General Hospital.

    @Alter Ego (#76): Sir Mix-a-Lot ain’t got nuthin’ to say ’bout that.a href=

  82. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @A Dear Reader (#75): A lot of birds are on the move this time of year. I’d wear a hat. As for an appropriate wedding present, I’d recommend a gift certificate from a pharmacy. Who knows what kind of expensive self-medicating Cayla may be doing after a few months of marriage to Les, and we don’t know if she’s any good at shoplifting.

  83. Alfred E. Neuman
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (Y#59) said Re: FW— “I suggest we put together a special Comics Curmudgeon registry for them.”

    I was thinking that we Curmudgeons could chip in to send an ideal wedding gift, such as a home mammogram kit. But then I decided to hell with it, because Cory would just steal it.

  84. Calico
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Amateur (#5):
    Merry was very merry, not wary, to die on the ferry, so she wouldn’t have to endure being a part of this strip except in name.

  85. A Dear Reader
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Amateur (#5):

    MW: So . . . Merry died on the ferry?

    Well, not exactly on the ferry…

    “Life goes on day after day
    Arms torn off every way

    So ferry over Merry
    ‘cause this pier’s the place she drowned
    And here she’ll stay”

  86. Calico
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    So Bubba uses a chain saw to harvest the cannabis? I know it has tough stalks, but still…
    Avery will be a foot shorter when all this is done.

  87. A Dear Reader
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#82):

    Who knows what kind of expensive self-medicating Cayla may be doing after a few months of marriage to Les…

    I suspect it will be a “morning-after pill.” And by “morning-after pill,” I mean, in this case, an overdose of barbiturates.

  88. Calico
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#25):
    Jim has another sister named Carol, and a brother named Nick, who were estranged long ago.

  89. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

  90. Esther Blodgett
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73): With no irony at all, I hope one of my friends sees fit to eulogize me this way when my time comes. Sorry for your loss, Muffaroo.

  91. Peanut Gallery
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Amateur (#5): I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Merry on the ferry’s the obsession that’s in question; the wench on the bench is the shrew that is true!

    JP – I like the skull-and-crossbones on the No Trespassing sign. It’s very Danger Island.

  92. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    MW — Blast it, my subconscious had been trying so hard to keep my conscious mind from making the connection, but now this poem, which I’ve always liked, has been slimed by this storyline. Curse you, MW.

    http://terrenceberres.com/milfew.html#p10

  93. Mibbitmaker
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    “Archie Andrews: Surgeon” – and the head of Frank Burns Memorial Hospital.

    Curtis: Really? Since when?!

    FW: I’ll go, but I won’t celebrate it.

    H&L: And Rusty was born in the Thirst Belt.

    MW: Even Tom Batiuk is telling this strip to lighten up!

    Lockhorns: Yeah, Loretta, keep going with that idea — then I can chuckle at the next sexist “Loretta can’t drive” gag with a clear conscience. (not really, but don’t tell her that!)

    JP: “Bubba: surgeon”
    Tonight’s episode: Bubba assists Dr. Archie Andrews. Guest star: Danny DeVito.

  94. vince
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    my guess: Bubba accidentally strikes gold while flailing around the mine with the chainsaw.
    everyone gets rich, happy ending for everyone. Except maybe for Avery, unclear whether the gold strike happens before or after his untimely demise.

  95. Calico
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#18):
    Bazooka Joe!
    I used to buy those big honking bard of gum-loved the green apple. Yes, I had many cavities as a child.
    Cute old-fashioned joke from the gum inserts:
    “Why is your nose all swollen, Joe?
    “I bent down to smell a Brose.”
    “There’s no ‘B’ in “Rose.”
    “There was in this one.”

  96. Calico
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    *bars*
    However, I was going to quote The Bard after eating NS’s comment about cruel Gods, so it all works out fine.

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73): Oh man, I’m so sorry. To Dave, then!

  98. Amos Snarkadder
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Crankedshaft It’s time for a phone call warning from Dead Wife. Too bad Ed doesn’t have a cell phone. Oh, well.

  99. Mibbitmaker
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#95): That reminds me of a sign I saw alot of years ago:

    Welcome to the ool.
    Notice there’s no “p” in “pool”.
    Please keep it that way!

  100. Mibbitmaker
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#99): On second thought, it was more like:

    Welcome to the ool
    Notice there’s no “p” in it.
    Please keep it that way!

  101. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    JP: Chased by a chain-saw wielding Bubba, Avery runs deep into the mine shaft, trips over the skeleton of Kelly Welly (whom Bubba caught taking pictures), and discovers the source of the gold for the Bible verse-banded geese. Bubba decides to quit the pot-farming business and instead use the new-found gold to buy into a lucrative Hollywood partnership with Avery, Bea has enough money to fix up and re-open the lodge, Sam loads up the van with gold bullion (just as he does after most of his fishing trips), and Old Hardy becomes very popular in the community.

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Karen, A Busty Redhead 36E (#66): The theory seems to fit the facts better.

    // Hi Karen! New to Halifax?

  103. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    I haven’t bothered reading the comics yet but after reading some of this thread about Dr. Crankenstaff, I am even more creeped out about that strip than when I bother reading it.

    So, Crankthulu is about a dead guy? In one way, hmmm, that’s interesting. It is almost literary even. But, in a major way, why would you expect anyone to care about a dead fictional guy. Does the strip exist as memories? If so, does the strip even try to be funny? Or, does it try to be sad? Or, does it try to be a past life that is a life lived well?

    Or, is it a place where Kennedy’s ascended to Mt. Olympus and rule with swagger and swank? Where Aliens landed and took over Mythical Land of Hootin’ Holler? Plotting to amuse us in the future (and procrastinating at every chance they get because the automated moonshine robots are very, very productive?

  104. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#86): Avery will be a foot shorter when all this is done.
    Or a foot short.

  105. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#67): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#55): Got your explanation of “TIAOFJ” yesterday, but the “F” wasn’t explicated. And yet I have no problem filling it in.

    Alas, not I. Flagitious? Famous? Flaming? Farcical? Family? Felching? Foosball? Fulgent? Fuliginous? Funky?

    It’s so frustrating. Fooey!

  106. greghousesgf
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Luann is apparently so stupid she doesn’t realize not everyone reaches puberty at the same exact age.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73): Oh. So the “f” was for farewell.

    // Sorry, man. Goodbyes are hard.

  108. AdHocGrip
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#101):

    Ah, Christ. I have worked so hard to keep these two universes exclusive. JudgeyP: chicks with huge tracts of land and other related, uninteresting stuff, & MarkyMark and his damn camera. Wait. Avery has a camera, right?

  109. Alfred E. Neuman
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#91) said: ” I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Merry on the ferry’s the obsession that’s in question; the wench on the bench is the shrew that is true!”

    To make matters worse, Jim lost his pestle with the vessel.

  110. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92): Oh, my. Edna St. V.

    // Thank you.

  111. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#95): Green apple? Sounds tasty. I only saw the “pink” flavor. After a few chipped teeth amongst our group, we boycotted Bazooka Joe as edible. Our theory is that the Bazooka Joe factory closed down somewhere prior to Vatican II and they’re still selling off the inventory.

  112. Stroker Ace
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Shoulda been two panels. First: as is. Second: flying Grim Reaper in windshield rear-view mirror.

  113. Another Kiwi
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure that a mineshaft labelled DANGER! would ensure that no meddling kids would turn up.

    Oh oh Mark Trail is going to be attacked by bonerfish poachers. Looking good is important in fishing porn.

  114. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#111): When I was around 4, I loved Chum Gum, which came as two (!) wrapped sticks for a penny. It was brittle and came apart in my mouth, and I regarded that as a wonderful feature, rather than an indication of long storage. Also it had powdery sugar on the surface — now that was surely on purpose.

  115. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Stroker Ace (#112): Death Cat!

  116. Baka Gaijin
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#114): Two whole pieces AND powdery sugar? Wow, what a wonderful world you grew up in. I am certainly jealous.

  117. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): “f” is traditionally “furiously” around here, innit?

  118. Droopy Says
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#31): One of the Gospels. Okay. I’m sure we’ll still have an Apocalypse theme at the wedding of Les and Lesser. Except . . . the actual book of the Apocalypse has some kind of happy ending, doesn’t it? So it’s probably out after all. Damn.

  119. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92): Again, thanks. I haven’t had a taste of Millay in decades. Muffaroo, try a bit of this Recuerdo, it’s light, fizzy, but with a hint of sadness. Perfect for an autumn day.

  120. Dale
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92):

    “FIRST FIG
    My candle bums at both ends;
    It will not last the night;

    bums ?
    But Doc, those are your dirty pictures!

  121. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#120): I think I’ve seen that movie.

  122. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#118): the actual book of the Apocalypse has some kind of happy ending, doesn’t it?

    This bit of eschatology that describes the destruction of Westview Babylon seems appropriate: “The voice of the bridegroom and of the bride shall be heard no more at all in thee” – Revelation 18:23

    Good times in the Twilight of the Funkyverse!

  123. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#119): You are most welcome. And thank you, in return, for helping me understand why the Lockhorns are always in a bad mood. They have to get dressed to the nines every single night. That would certainly turn me into a crab.

  124. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#32): rumour has it that Leroy is like Ron Jeremy without the body hair.

    just gonna leave that mental picture here to fester. . . .

  125. Amos Snarkadder
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#123):

    They have to get dressed to the nines every single night.

    Do you think? I dunno, Loretta looks like at least a size 16.

  126. Dr. Weird
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Bob White-Quail (#59):

    But we also saw that aged, wheelchair-bound might-be-Crankshaft character IN Funky Winkerbean earlier this year, answering a comment Les made about aging in a snarky fashion.

  127. Northern lurker
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    MW: so I guess Jim will take a week telling what’s her name about his sister what died in the ferry accident. What’s her name will then spend a week recapping to Mary.
    Then Jim will tell what’s her name about his brother Harry who died in the same ferry accident.

  128. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#124): … rumour has it that Leroy is like Ron Jeremy without the body hair. just gonna leave that mental picture here to fester. . . .

    And Loretta is exactly like Christina Hendricks, only much older, shorter, fatter, meaner, and with bad hair. Practically twins.

  129. exapno
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Three days of this bra in Luann, and neither the strip or any of the snarkers here have mentioned that this is obviously not Luann’s bra, but her mother’s – which the whole damn thing extra squicky…

    Meanwhile, will Evans switch and show Toni and Bwad smoking the proverbial post non-sex cigarette?

  130. Sgt. Stoned
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    MT: Omigosh! It looks like Mark’s and Bill Ellis’s romantic idyll in the Caribbean is about to be interrupted by some bad hombres and the one in the white shirt and hat looks distinctly latinoamericano.

    MW: That’s right, Jim. Some day the memory of your sister will fade, but you will never be able to forget that you are missing an arm.

  131. Liam
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    FW-I’m sorry but I won’t be able to attend the wedding. However I will gladly go to the funeral of whichever of the lovely couple dies first.

  132. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

  133. Chaze
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    I just returned from a week in Vegas and I see Mary Worth is still in “Wendy” mode. Jeepers, where’s Wilbur when you need him?

  134. Liam
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    MW-This is the first time that I have ever seen a person named Mary spelled ‘Merry’. I guess there can only be person whose name is spelled ‘Mary’ and everyone else has to come up with variation.

    MW 2-Her name was Merry. It was spelled M-E-E-R-Y so as not to confuse you and make you think your dad’s friend Mary was the one who drowned.

  135. Chaze
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#134): My friends from NYC insist that Mary, merry, and marry are all pronounced differently. My upstate NY ears cannot hear the distinction.

  136. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#37): it’s okay. At least there ought to be a few people in attendance (the faithful 80yo+ readership), although you really, really don’t need to draw the empty seats for them, Mr. Batuikiuik…

  137. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    (The comments at the SeattlePI are pretty hysterical, too.)

  138. debussy fields
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    MT– Now we know just how long it’s been since Mark has “been with” Cherry–that left hand seems to be in a very natural position.

  139. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#132): *furious applaz*

  140. bats :[
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#97): go get ‘em, Dave! Dance with the guy in the tux and the mask, and give him a wedgie he won’t soon forget!

  141. Chaze
    October 13th, 2012 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Andydog goes with Mark Trail on the fishing trip. I guess that indicates his place on the pecking order, vis a vis Rusty.

  142. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#128): nice try, but I refuse to associate Loretta with Christina Hendricks or her twins.

  143. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#135): Indeed, that is the current geographical distribution of that distinction in pronunciation. However, this is a generational difference. In the mid-20th century, a much larger population of Americans made the distinction among all 3 of those vowel sounds. Things have become much more blended through slurring in recent decades. Here are more details than you likely wanted to know.

  144. Alison
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    “Judge Parker”: Oh Leatherface, you are much too famous to make a guest appearance in this crappy strip.

    “Mary Worth”: When I Googled this strip, I was halfway through and the computer finished for me “Mary Worth Bloody Mary”. It made me remember how I had a book once that claims that some people who play the Bloody Mary game say, “I do believe in Mary Worth” at the mirror. What I’m saying here is, that’s all much more interesting than anything in the actual strip.

    I can’t imagine Dawn would be much comfort to Jim. Surely her story would only make him feel worse. “Oh, Jim, we both had accidents on the sea! We are just the same! Except, you lost your arm, and I have no injuries at all. Oh, and your sister died in the accident, while my dad lived and is still walking around in perfect health. Yes, indeed, our tragic accidents were just the same!”

  145. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Question:

    in Funky Winkerwhatever, is the wedding happening soon?

    Or is it next year? I thought they set it up to be next year. And, they just shipped their kids off to college so why send them off only to yank them back? Give them enough time and it can be a triple wedding. A triple wedding haunted by the ghost of Batuik characters past, present but dead and the cast of usual lame ones.

  146. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

  147. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#132): *can’t stop laughing*

  148. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#133): Wilbur is busy with his column “I’m Alive!”, to which I always add to myself “unfortunately.”

  149. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — And now I know that Crank really does have a remarkably ugly schnoz. But I could have figured that out without the closeup *shudder*.

  150. Mustang
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    FW – From what I’ve seen of Cayla’s attitude toward Les lately I am hoping against hope that maybe just maybe Batiuk, in his quest to deal with very real social problems, is getting ready to explore the under appreciated horror of HUSBAND ABUSE. HHAHAHAHAAHAHa. Oh it could happen. Oh please.

  151. Nehemiah Scudder
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#142): No, no. You’re just not trying. C’mon, be a sport. Now shut one eye. Squint through the other. Hit yourself in the head with a mallet.

    See? Now let’s talk investment opportunities…

    // I’m your friend. I’m not like the others.

  152. MWDG
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    MW: Twenty-something Dawn replendant in her Sears Mom jeans and Jaclyn Smilth windbreaker could care less about Jim’s hijinx with his deceased sister, Merry.

    Inappropriate as it may be to discuss, Jim’s lack of an arm may force him to be “creative” in the bedroom. We all know Dawn serviced Dr. Drew Corey when she was in high school so she may have some tricks up her sleeve.

  153. Alison
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#148):
    I’ve missed some of MW. Is Wilbur’s column seriously called “I’m Alive!”? Oh, Lord, that is just the cheesiest thing ever.

  154. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#145): The wedding is happening soon, as in Monday, and the maple Cayla is counting on for background color is being remarkably cooperative about holding onto all its leaves. Perhaps Batiuk threatened to feature the maple in another storyline if it didn’t do the right thing. If you want to see your very own special invitation to the happy event, check out the strip today (Saturday). There, see how much you are valued?

  155. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#153): Yes it is, though I’m not absolutely positive about the exclamation point. I think the column also features the stories of other disaster survivors, but Wilbur is in charge.

  156. Alison
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#155):
    Yikes. Thanks for the info. It’s still a very cheesy title with or without the exclamation point.

    Plus, you just know that even if the column somehow got a good submission, with Wilbur in charge, it would come out terribly. He probably edits the stories so that instead of lines like “I am so grateful to be alive and see my family and my dog again” it says “I am so grateful to be alive so I can eat another really delicious sandwich”.

  157. Peanut Gallery
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#143): Thanks for those links! My degenerate, undifferentiated pronunciation of Mary, merry, and marry will undoubtedly continue to make me a subject of derision and ridicule in my household, but at least now I have some data to show I’m not an isolated freak of linguistics.

  158. Chaze
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#155):
    “Alive!” Obviously makes me think of cannabalism, which I think would crossed Wilbur’s mind aldo in about 30 minutes in real shipwreck.

  159. Chaze
    October 13th, 2012 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#143): Thanks for the data. I will use it to show my elitist NYC friends just how few they are in their varied Mary, merry, marry pronunciations. Of course, they will tell me that I am simply “common” in mine.

  160. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#154):

    Thanks. I did receive and invitation but I think it was intended for someone else. It was address to a “Reader”. I can only guess they mean someone who reads the strip.

    (prolonged laughter…a little choking cough…more laughter)

    Seriously, why are they bothering to show a wedding? If this is one of those things were it takes 30 days to get to the alter and there is no ritualistic Tofu Sacrifice* then I don’t know if I even want to impersonate a reader.

    Even more seriously: What was getting it over with tomorrow with multiple panels just not good enough for a wedding?

    *kill it all!

  161. seismic-2
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    FW: Did Crazy Susan get an invitation? Did she slit her wrists upon reading it?

  162. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    Now, I’ll admit that I’ve said some stupid things in my life. But, the stilted conversation that is going on in Mary Worth would be too much if I heard someone discussing that.

    I’d absently-mindedly say, “Wow. I’m sorry to hear that, Jim the Blond Coocoo Emotional Wreck. Now, don’t take this the wrong way but it sounds to me like you need therapy of a different sort. It will do you some good. After some successful sessions, hopefully covered by you winnings from taking the City Ferry of Santa Royale to the cleaners, you will get enough help that will allow your remaining days to be merry and bright.

    “Hunh? Was it something I said?”

  163. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Dude! Did Hi just insult the entire population of the Rust Belt?

    Dude’s got some gall insulting some of America’s Greatest, Hard Working, Blue Collar Labelled People, like Les Moore and Funky Winkerbean and Garfield Cat-Thing-Toy-Prototype. Some gall, indeed!

    Those Rust Beltians and more are so totally not the types of people who abhor yardwork. Why just today we see…well, just yesterday they…Damn. Is Dagwood from the Rust Belt, too? He’s such a napping So and So!

    I give up! Thank goodness I’m allergic to yard work or I’d be doubly-righteously indignatified by the abrasive comments made by…

    who am I kiddin’? I’ll forget this in about ten minutes unless I re-read what I wrote. Just like I do everyday when I read Hiiiiiiiiiiiii &&&&&&&&&&&ND Loooooooooooois! Hi&Lois! Heck, the only time I pay attention to the Rust Belt is when their sports teams lose….just like someday Tofu will lose! And, boy will it lose big!

  164. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Okay. I can’t do a thing about messing up the thread.

    First of all, I have nothing against Tofu, Ohio or today’s comics.

    I read a bunch of the usual ones and they were lackluster to me. Though…I didn’t bother reading Mark Trail so I will rectify that right now….

    Well, that was simple enough. So, Andy Dog takes flight and begins his awesome sheep killer attack and….Hey! Waitasecond! I messed up.

    Okay. So Mark is going to cast his Bonefish Bait….waitasecond!

    I thought they were going fishing off of a yacht? This is a fine predicament. I’ve tried to fanagle an invite to board a yacht before by rowing up to one and acting like Rodney Dangerfield in an early 80s movie: The King of Partying. But, I’ve never set foot on a yacht before. (Because I acted like Rodney Dangerfield all too well and got no partying respect.)

    They bogarted the story. Now Mark Trail seems less epic.

    Unless…..

  165. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#164):

    Mark casts his fishing lure into the shallow waters near the mangrove grove. Andy Dog, channelling the mystic arts of Dr. Strange rises above to survey the scene. Unbeknownst to Andy Dog, four lottery ticket counterfeiters sit in their boats waiting to send a signal to their SCUBA diver who will attach a plastic bag containing last week’s winning lottery ticket.

    That is a devious plan. Preying on a man who believes he is going to have a lucky day and catches a lottery ticket.

    What does this have to do with Andy Dog as Dr. Strange? I couldn’t think of a reason why I brought up his mystic artsiness in the first place. However, Dr. Strange probably should live up to his name, right?

    //i gots nuttin’! This batch of comics is leaving me brain dead. Dennis the Menace: punchline: “Uncle Charlie?” Whatever.
    Popeye and a bunch of drowned cavemen midgets? Be funnier than that, dudes! Beetle Bailey and hiking to roadside foodstuff? In Sarge’s dreams!
    Pluggers: The irony is that “Zilch” my be a good word for “Goose Egg” but it is also a five letter name of their bastard nephew!

    My Snark Muse ain’t here!

  166. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: That ignoramous bastard!

    If Batuik really, truly wanted to make interesting, funny comics with a bit of a difference then he could have had Death as a hitchhiker. Or, Death just appear in the backseat.

    Sure, it sounds cliched, right? But, have Crankshaft experience a George Bailey moment where he deals with his own mortality and makes for humorous poignancy.

    Hell, Death could look like young Les Moore as far as I care.

    My point in stating this is the strip would be interesting, for weirdness reasons at the very least.

    Old Man talks to Death on a Sunday Drive, Kills Six Pedestrians

    ^ That might be a bit too far but it REAL using Funkywinkerbeanian rules of entertainment, am I right?

  167. Walker of Dog
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: It’s smart to have the wedding outdoors and in a cooler month, to minimize the unpleasant aromas emanating from the matron of honor, Dead Lisa.

    CS: An eye-catching ad for the Masky McDeath Driving School, and an improvement over their previous tagline, “Placing your hands at ten o’clock and eternal damnation since 1972.”

  168. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#167):

    Oh geez! She’s buried in the backyard or acting as a sentry in the attic window?

  169. Karen, A Busty Redhead 36E
    October 13th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Mark’s “friend” is playing a trick on the easily duped Mark, giving him a big top water plug which will, at best, annoy the bonefish, busily feeding on the bottom. Everyone enjoys making Mark look like a fool. Back in the Lost Forest, Cherry and Ranger Tom Martin take a break from their fevered screwing to make Mark/bonefish jokes.
    But the big news is that Mark is about to be ambushed by a gang of Hawaiian-shirted men doing something illegal but not remotely plausible.

  170. tallyHO
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    @Karen, A Busty Redhead 36E (#169):

    But the big news is that Mark is about to be ambushed by a gang of Hawaiian-shirted men doing something illegal but not remotely plausible.

    Now, see, I am anxious as to what they are really up to. I think we can all agree that Hawaiian shirt wearing guys consider themselves to be pretty darn wacky. So, my fingers are crossed* hoping for madcap hijinx.

    *it makes it tough tou tupe witout typos.

  171. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#161): Ooh, good question.

  172. Poteet
    October 13th, 2012 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#159): I would like to HEAR those differences. I tried pronouncing “marry” with the “a” sound in “mat,” per the article, and I couldn’t seem to do it. I also couldn’t bring myself to make “ferry” sound like “furry.”

  173. seismic-2
    October 14th, 2012 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#172): Try listening to this. I’m from the generation that pronounces all 3 differently, but with the difference sounding even a good deal stronger than this speaker’s pronunciation.

  174. tallyHO
    October 14th, 2012 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#172):

    How about Merriment? Or, Meriwether?

    How about Carry as opposed to Cary?

    For “Ferry” consider “Ferret” and “to ferret”.

    I’m not certain how I would casually say Mary, Merry, Marry. But, I think for me it depends on the words in front of them. If I said, “To Marry” as opposed to “Marry Me” then it is likely I’d pronounce each one differently.

    As for talkin’ proper…doi-yeee! I dunno.

    If you consider those alternatives I listed, would they sound right to you or not?
    (nothing wrong if they do not)

  175. Droopy Says
    October 14th, 2012 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    Spider-bland: MaryJane is married to superhero? Her bigamy sounds much more interesting than anything Peter Parker has done.

    Creepy Les: Oh, come on, kids, it’s always a good time to dump a surprise on Les and Lesser!

    Pluggers: So Pluggers form deep emotional bonds which the rest of us can’t understand? It’s like some prankster took a really crappy Star Trek episode and cast aliens in the human roles.

    Jugs Parker: Sam, give ‘er the gas! Buba, give ‘er the gas! Funny how the same order can produce the same result in such different situations.

  176. Girl Reporter
    October 14th, 2012 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#167):

    “Placing your hands at ten o’clock and eternal damnation since 1972.”

    Hilarious! Stealing it, thank you!

  177. Girl Reporter
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    I’m not looking it up, but… Wasn’t the old man in the wheelchair who died watching the baseball game across the parking lot from his nursing home “Beanball” Bushka? Evil Racist teammate of Ed Crankshaft’s minor league, He Put Big League Dreams On Hold For Family and WWII self? The abusive father of “Bull” Bushka; Les Moore’s high school bully who, as it turned out, was just jealous that Les had a Father Who Loved Him, instead of a Father Who Beat Him Up For No Reason But Especially For Shortcomings In Sporting Prowess?

  178. Uncle Lumpy
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#177):

    I don’t think it’s clear that he died, but the rest of it sounds right.

  179. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Sunday FW:

    1) Who sets up chairs for a wedding facing the driveway?

    2) Who invites people to a wedding two days from the actual event? And how did they estimate how many chairs/how much food/how much drink to have, if they didn’t give people time to RSVP?

    2.b) Who holds a wedding ceremony on a Monday? Don’t these people have jobs? Don’t their friends/relatives have jobs? Don’t their kids have classes?

    3) Why doesn’t Summer seem to know what’s going on? Did they not tell her?*

    3.b) If they didn’t tell her, why is she home in the middle of the semester?

    *I realize there’s the possibility she’s being a smartass, being Les’ daughter and all. But the smirk that’s usually deployed to demand the recognition of a supposed witticism is missing, so I’m thinking there isn’t, in fact, a joke here.

    //I realize that this could all be summed up as “It’s Les and Cayla, what do you expect?” but I cling to the faint hope that someday this strip will depict its characters behaving like something resembling normal people. In the meantime, I will continue to point out their deviations from normal humanity with a certain amount of bitter glee.

  180. Droopy Says
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    Maybe Summer and Cahoots will torment Creepy Les by drawing it out: “One of us is not pregnant . . . we’re not in an incestuous relationship . . . one of us doesn’t believe in marriage . . . ” before they both come out and say they’re dating different boys.

  181. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#153): Yes, yes it is. I giggled for rather a while after learning that.

  182. Droopy Says
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#179): It would probably save time if you pointed out the normal things in the Funkyverse. I’m sure there must be something normal in there, beyond the presence of gravity.

  183. FOOBED no more
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#173): “Marry” definitely sounded different, but I still couldn’t tell the difference between “Mary” & “merry”.

  184. tallyHO
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#182):

    You know what? That TV show Saved By the Ball didn’t make sense to me either.

    I’ve somehow read more about it than anything because of the actors going on to other things (i.e., growing up).

    If the FW strip had a “time jump” where everyone who was in high school grew up, why the heck does it seem like the strip is still somehow centered around high school? I suppose it makes sense if it were doing what Dilbert does to office work. If it said life/stuff you deal with… is like high school more than not, perhaps it would be okay…for, like, one year after…maybe. But, the Anti-Dude dude who makes the strip (and Crankshaft–the Anti- Shaft!) should have stepped away from all of that yeeeeeeaaaaaars ago.

    That’s why x number of chairs are on the lawn facing a narrow driveway. He wants the assembled (us) to look a Big Life Event framed by asphalt.

    It is just lame. The very concept that the Funkyverse is so repulsive; it is too rooted in juvenilia. That’s likely the reason why that “LuAnn” comic just sucks. Let high schoolers do stuff with characters like that, I say. Those strip creators should be doing something properly mature. And, if they are really smart, the smartness will show. Instead you get stupid humor that seems to either be aware that it is stupid (and annoying) or is just stupid and annoying.

    Now, excuse me as I dis-mount my high horse for a smaller horse.

  185. tallyHO
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    @FOOBED no more (#183):

    Murray. Mary Tyler Moore. Mermaid. Rhoda.

  186. seismic-2
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    @FOOBED no more (#183): Right, that speaker made the Mary vs. merry distinction much less clearly than folks did back in my day, at least where I grew up. Back then (and back there) the first syllable in “Mary” was pronounced exactly like the month of May.

  187. tallyHO
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    I apologize. I have no clue why writing the above screed felt like a good thing to do.

    These serial stories in comic strips are onerous. They drag out forever and then when something happens it is the stupid freaking stuff in the world. Admittedly, I build up expectations. But, 2-3 panels to move it all along is so freaking antiquated.
    Imagine telling a kid a bedtime story one page per night. Come on!

    Sure, that is why snarking is easier than not (the bad art and writing sets the tone but the very format is ridiculous.) Spider-Man…1…2…To Be Continued!
    Mark Trail is frozen for two days with a lure hanging in mid-air behind his head!

    The absurdity is delightful but oh my god I just can’t imagine how soul-sucking it must be to create those types of comics. Maybe it is easy. Some clip art, A random sentence generator, paperclips, glue, go watch the news, play some golf.
    Wait for your artist, Wait for the one month’s worth of 2-3 panel descriptions.

    Oy Gevault! Misery, I’m comin’ to join you!

  188. Poteet
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    MT — I like the artwork. But in the interest of balance, I have to point out that the mosquito fish has a very mixed ecological reputation, to the point that the website below suggests that an alternate name is damnbusia. Just about any time humans take a species from one continent and set it loose in another, that action causes problems, ranging from tiny to huge, and often the problems take a while to become obvious. That’s Ecology 101.

    http://www.gambusia.net/

  189. Poteet
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:11 am [Reply]

  190. Poteet
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    MW — I’ll bet there are Mudges who are far more familiar with Goethe than I, and I’d love to know what you think he’d think of being part of MW. My own reaction to this Sunday strip is Dawn, for the love of heaven and the saving of what’s left of my sanity, please, please, CHANGE YOUR GHASTLY HAIRSTYLE. I am BEGGING you. Anything would be better! Anything! Baldness! Little Orphan Annie! An Eighties balloon! A Sixties sprinkling of flowers! A Seventies frizz! A Nineties streaking of pink and blue! Anything! I’ll pay!

  191. Droopy Says
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#184): One specific bit of suckiness will be if Les is astonished that Summer was the Unseen Gay student at the Camelot prom. Because you’d expect Creepy Les to recognize his own daughter’s voice.

  192. Baka Gaijin
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    Oh God, I just about peed my pants reading Dilbert. It could have stopped one panel short and been an ordinary comic on a rehashed topic. No, the last panel makes it worthwhile.

  193. Baka Gaijin
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#190): I won’t take that bet. There are Mudges here who know how to use semicolons for God’s sake! Of course someone’ll be an expert on Goethe. I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the topic of someone’s master’s thesis.

    PS-Dawn’s Moe Howard-bowl haircut is stupid.

  194. Baka Gaijin
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:38 am [Reply]

    I did not need to see Jeremy Zits rubbing one off. Did not need to see.

  195. Baka Gaijin
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    I have one piece of advice for Reeky Rat: Every 28 days, plan to be outside the Slylock Forest. Ms. Rabbit seems to accuse you of something this time every month. Just sayin’.

  196. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    October 14th, 2012 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#184): You look good on that there high horse, though.

  197. Baka Gaijin
    October 14th, 2012 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    Great. We’re in that lull before everyone wakes up.

  198. Mr. O'Malley
    October 14th, 2012 at 6:32 am [Reply]

    Learn to sing this song:

    Mary Mack’s mother’s making Mary Mack marry me,
    My mother’s making me marry Mary Mack.
    I’m going to marry Mary so my Mary will take care of me,
    We’ll all be making merry when I marry Mary Mack.

    and once you get it, you never have vowel problems again.

  199. Droopy Says
    October 14th, 2012 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Maybe the joke is that one of Roz’s customers is a cannibal. Or maybe the joke is that if you’re a chicken, Roz will kill you and serve you to her customers. There is supposed to be a joke here, isn’t there? Or is Roz turning into Mary Worth, meddling in the lives around her? “Dear, one of my customers is a chickenhawk and it’s ruining business!”

    Les and Lesser: Summer, when it comes to making humorless, joke-like comments, leave it to the happy couple. It’s the one trait that separates them from the Lockhorns.

    Family Circus: Thel wonders how long it will take Bil’s rage to fully emerge and provide her with grounds for divorce,

  200. Liam
    October 14th, 2012 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    A3G-Congratulations to Lily when is she due? Enough talk about pregnancy when are you going to have the contract.

  201. Liam
    October 14th, 2012 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth-Ted, you shouldn’t and try the New York Times crossword puzzle. You should get a book of crossword puzzles from the drug store. Those are more your level.

    MW-This is supposed to be an advice column not Mary’s personal soapbox for the readers of Santa Royale because I seriously doubt that ‘Ask Wendy’ is a nationally syndicated column.

    A3G-”You’ll have a friend on the co-op board and a lover in the bedroom.”

    JP-I was hoping that wasn’t a chainsaw. I thought you were just really happy to see me.

  202. gleeb
    October 14th, 2012 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Crime Solving Fox: Slylock knows that anyone who’s a fan of known raccoon Eric Harm is capable of anything.

    3-G: Sometimes it takes a recap to show you have very little has gone on in the week.

    ‘bean: They don’t like being that they’re going to married. Too late, Cayha! You made your bed, now lie on it. Anyway, shouldn’t Summer and Keisha be at the school that it took until October to get to? There’s no way they’ve caught up with classes yet.

    Phantom: Awright! More Captain Savarna! Unless this is just about busting metals scavengers.

    Rex: Honey’s thanks would seem more sincere if she wasn’t having a vision of St Anthony of Padua at the moment.

    Spidey: Did somebody say “wacky road-trip hijinks”?

    Dick: Well, now who’s going to make sure Bookie’s clientele are served and don’t get strung out? You didn’t think this through, Hideous Deformity! And what does this have to do with the Moon?

    Momma: The “good stuff” being his mother’s death.

  203. Jeff
    October 14th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#27):

    Seismic-2, I think Manley has done a commendable job taking over for the late, great Eduardo Barreto. His women though, lack the beauty and sexiness that Barreto gave them. IMO. And, at times, his work seems stiff. When he WANTS to, he can draw a GREAT realistic strip. He tutored under Al Williamson, based on reading his blog. But, also in reading his blog, he seems to be really busy, going to school, painting, etc. Judge Parker pays his bills, but doesn’t seem like it is a big passion for him. Like I said, he has done a very good job with JP, but it ebbs and flows for me. Some days, weeks, great. Some days, ehh. Make the women sexier and more beautiful and draw the characters more like Barreto (he is close) and then I will give him an “A”. Right now he is probably a B/B-.

  204. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    October 14th, 2012 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for nothing, Cayla! It seems my personalized invitation has been “lost in the mail.” I thought I would at the very least get a call from Les. By the way, Les, did you know that your phone number has been changed? I’ve had trouble getting through. I guess SHE changed it.

    I figured she would send me a gold-plated invitation just to GLOAT! You may have won this battle, Jezebel, but the war’s not over. Do you honestly think that dear sweet Les can put up with your snide insults and mopey attitude? Don’t you realize how SENSITIVE he is??

    So just do us all a favor and call it off now. There’s still time. You’ve not spent much money, so there’s not much to lose. You can donate the flowers to the nursing home. And that pig they’re cooking can go to the homeless shelter. Everybody wins!

    Sincerely,
    Susan Smith, President

  205. Dale
    October 15th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#204):

    FUNKY and the Scapegoats:

    Long Pig! We eat our own!

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