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Metapost: Witty thing about COTW here

Do you like comments? Do you want to hear this week’s top offerings? Then this post is for you, my friend. Here’s #1:

“If I had to pick a job best suited for chronic masturbators, ‘worldwide-sporting-event-organizing travel agent’ probably wouldn’t even make the top ten. But hey, if that’s his fantasy, he should go ahead and grab it with both hands. Or one hand. Or whatever. I don’t need to know the details, dude.” –Trilobite

And the runners-up:

“RE: Earth Day strips. The only recycling these strips inspire in me is recycling a bit of my dinner up into my mouth.” –Hank

“Parents who practice to Friedmanian monetarist notions of macroeconomics have children who practice Friedmanian monetarist notions of macroeconomics.” –Lolsworth

“Wait, is Mark supposed to be in a seedy motel room? Double wait, what the hell did that call interrupt?” –skullcrusherjones

“Sturdevant has the hots for Ada because she has no chin, which is the only kind of girl he’s physically able to kiss.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“I’ll say one thing for Mary Worth — in the months since I started reading it, it hasn’t attempted to educate me about anything except meddling.” –Poteet

“The sheer delight on Lu Ann’s face will vanish as soon as she discovers that he is not going to pull a quarter from behind her ear.” –Gabacho

“HOLY CRAP there is a male in A3G who I can tell apart from all the other males in A3G, what is this madness.” –terrene

“I like how we never see the rack on which Abbey is putting away the plates. Because another rack would just be redundant.” –RaJ

And it’s also the time when we give a big thanks to everyone who put a bit of scratch in my tip jar this week, and when we thank our fabulous advertisers:

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102 responses to “Metapost: Witty thing about COTW here”

  1. vooodooo84
    April 28th, 2008 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Marvin reminded me of that Ice Cube song, Today was a good day. maybe Marvin will start quoting from Easy-E’s Record Easy does it

  2. Dick Tracy Broke into My Oddball Sanctuary
    April 28th, 2008 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    I’m just wondering if The Laugh Factory has ever featured any female comedians, or if it’s a guys-only kinda place?

    Congrats to the COTW and all the runners up!

  3. Loopina, Summer Intern of the Jungle Patrol
    April 28th, 2008 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Marvin tomorrow: (sitting in stroller) –
    Rollin’ down tha street,
    droolin’, poopin’
    sippin on apple juice
    laid back
    with my mind on my diapers and my diapers on my mind…

  4. Weaselboy
    April 28th, 2008 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    Congrats , Trilobite. Nice work.

  5. Zaq
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all and sundry. I’m especially impressed with Lolsworth’s… I’d be more upset if I raised a kid with Freidmanian ideals than if I found out about quite a few other offenses, let me tell you. Of course, since I’m not a parent and have no desire to become one, that’s hardly relevant, but I still laughed.

  6. PeterW
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I just realized how COTW is a huge ball of awesomeness. I’m an unemployed college student with gobs of time, and even I don’t take the time to read the thousands of comments that pile up on each thread.

    Amazing.

  7. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to m’beautiful Mudges! And to you, Trilobite, noble, distant kin of the isopod. Knowing when to let go of the knob is indeed salubrious, thou feckless and greasy foob teens.

  8. Benjamin Baxter
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

  9. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    Benjamin Baxter @ 8: You will be, Baxter, you will be. Aha ha ha ha ha ha. Have you met James McNeil Whistler?

  10. Poteet
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, clever Trilobite! And it’s an honor (and a big surprise) to ride the float with you other gifted snarkers. Chocolate all around, and extra for tossing!

  11. rainbird
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    6
    I do not know how Josh has been able to keep up this mad pace! Josh, when are you getting your work done? Congrats to all the great comments though.

  12. True Fable
    April 28th, 2008 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    Yay and Congratulations to Trilobite and the COTW float riders, one and all!

    Today is a good day to snark. Hell, Every day is a good day to snark!

  13. Lisa
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    No one ever likes my comments… oh well….. next time… :o)

    Congratulations to all winners! I did like skullcrusher’s comment.

  14. True Fable
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    9CL It gives me great satisfaction to see Edda realize she ain’t all that, after all. Thank you, Brooke.
    A3G That “crucial” something didn’t happen to be “artistic talent”, did it?
    Cathy (Must Die!) 1 Weird Downward Pointy Finger, 1 picture Frame, 1 Starburst Frame, 1 upward pointy finger, 4 drops flopsweat. yes, inventorying her annoying art is how I hold down a rising gorge.
    C’haft Please let them be Africanized honeybees, and C’haft has a big bull’s eye on his butt painted on in honey.
    Crock Why is he sitting like that on the sand? Why am I even asking?
    Curtis Thanks, Ray. Despite all the plotholes in this storyline, the ending is satisfactory after all. :-)
    (WT)DT Now shoot Dick!
    FC See, Elizabeth? Anthony Caine has moved on to his latest obsession, the sick twisted bastard perv.
    FBoFW Yeah, might as well finish the basement for April, since she’ll move back home after Uni, and she and Gerald will live there until they can buy the house next door to live in. *shudder* Ugh.
    JP What, ANOTHER plotline!? All I can say is, Europa Aerospace had damn well have a certain do-all Butler named Cedric working for it, or so help me Woody, I’ll kick your ass.
    Luann Gunther, find someone else. She’s not good enough for you.
    MT That is unfortunate… but since this is a wildlife magazine and don’t have any reason to give away a domesticated animal like a puppy, I’m hardly one to raise a stink about it, Mark.
    Marvin Hello, SOMEONE obviously bought all that royal shit for the kid so blame yourselves for being such idiots.
    MW Yeah, I guess killing her right off the bat would cut into Mary’s choice meddling opportunity. One cannot joust with a Time Lord and expect to escape, er, win.
    Phantom So Diana is going to be gone for a month to New York and Geneva, huh? Hey, Kit, it’s time to train those recruits; wink wink nudge nudge say no more!
    RMDS …she said as she gestured toward a chandelier instead of a television set. ?!?!
    S-M Well, it’s tough on a couch potato, the first time he stands up in over a month.

  15. mollificent
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    Yesterthread 21 John Trussell: How about Irving? I think we’d ALL like to see him get away with murder. ;)

  16. Vakar
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Hooray for the COTW cavalcade of comedic comments! Poteet, could’ya please throw me some candy from up there?

  17. mollificent
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    FC: My God…Assthony is cheating on Liz with DOLLY KEANE???

    Marvin: Marvin’s parents have learned the hard way what happens when Marvin doesn’t get his way. *drawing finger across throat*. Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhk!

    Curtis: OK, I’m a sucker, I got a little verklempt. Go on, make fun of me. I don’t care. :)

    Dilbert: Aha! Oh, come on. Norm from My Cage could SO take Dogbert. *grin*

    Spider-man: I’m sure this has been said a million times before (and probably by me–I’ve got a great memory, but it’s short ;)) but watching Spider-Man II on TV last night and being confronted by Tobey Maguire’s twerpiness, I realized that he’s the perfect embodiment of the daily strip Peter Parker. This stood in major contrast to the infuriating twerpiness of, say, Hayden Christiansen in Star Wars. Every time I would have to watch him whine, sulk and generally act like a two-year-old, I would think to myself, “And we’re supposed to believe that this Melrose Place reject is the FUTURE DARTH VADER??? And don’t get me started on the suspension of disbelief required to accept that Senator Amidala, a seasoned politician who has been kicking ass and taking names for over ten years, could possibly fall in love with this mealy-mouthed jackass. I’d almost rather make out with Jar-Jar. Oh, God, no, I take it back I take it BACK AUUUGH brain bleach!!!

    ok, I’m done now. *slinking away*

  18. mollificent
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    P.S. I can’t escape the haunting feeling I’ve ranted about Hayden Christiansen here before. Sorry, guys. *sheepish grin*

  19. Vakar
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    Mollificent, everyone who saw Episode II understands, believe me!

  20. Mars
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    S-M: Well, that’s an interesting way to end three panels. This seems to be a soap-strip trend now.

    “Oh no, some bad guys! I better do something—AUGH, I’m hurt, never mind! New story!” See: Abbey Spencer.

    Josh, who is sometimes as predictable as the comics he mocks, will probably say Peter is faking the pain to get out of doing anything. That’s too easy to come up with; surprise us.

    It’s obviously appendicitis, and he’s definitely headed to the hospital for….um, how long does it take to recover from that? Someone multiply that by the time it takes a serious strip to chronicle the events of one day….. Oh d-d-dear. We’re not going to see the man with wings again for at least two years.

    I’ve always wondered. Where does a superhero go when he needs an emergency doctor anyway? The doctor might find something weird, and then discover the hero’s identity. And I don’t mean something as absentminded as actually wearing the costume under your clothes. Anything could give it away.

    What on earth does Superman do? Needles and scalpels would break in half against him. There’s no way to conceal that.

  21. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    Kudos to the winner’s circle this week. Well done.

    4/29

    FC: Dolly is preparing to support a layabout husband later in life.

    Ziggy: The psychiatrist is alarmed because besides being depressed, Ziggy is also delusional. No elevator in the past 20 years has had music playing on it.

    HtH: For some reason, we’re seeing Wizard of Id plagiarism.

    Big Dog: Good God! Could you at least keep him from taking a dump on the floor?

    OBH: Amazingly, the words “You look like an English whore” aren’t spoken here.

    S4th: Isn’t every interview he goes on a Forth interview? Oh, I kill me.

    SFx: The man’s such a bad carpenter that the neighborhood birds all gather to laugh at his handiwork. No wonder his tie is shrinking.

    PBS: Well played.

    Blondie: “You’d better appreciate the meat loaf, after I had to blow that short order cook.”

    Luann: “The mask is for the new Manson Family musical I’m writing. You were born to play Linda Kasabian.”

    S-M: We always knew it would come down to this: Spidey versus diarrhea!

  22. mollificent
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    LOL! I almost forgot. I made an appointment with a new doctor this week (argh, insurance change) and I told the receptionist my middle name, which is Kaleo (Hawaiian for “the voice”, incidentally). The nice lady said she’d be sending me some forms to fill out.

    Well, I got the forms today, and on them my middle name is spelled “Kalel”. Wooooo! Does that make me Supergirl? :D

  23. Diamond Joe
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    Archie: Complaints about the cafeteria food are such a stock-in-trade for students that it puzzles me why the AJGU-3000 assigned this joke to an adult.

    BH: Comics that are just one-liners spoken by expressionless characters are very efficient, because you really only ever need to do two drawings, and switch them off by the day.

    BF: This is a really standard joke. I don’t understand why I laughed (or at least exhaled) at it, but that’s humor for you, I guess.

    Bizarro: See, it’s funny because it’s… not unexpected at all, really…

    CtH: This strip is so indistinctly drawn that it took me several minutes to figure out that they’re stranded on the one bit of dry land in their immediate vicinity. Initially, I thought they were on the one remaining damp spot, and started thinking about how the tide unexpectedly goes way, way out just before a tsunami. As it is, you have to wonder a) how they let it get this far before reacting, and b) why they can’t simply walk to shore through water that must be about ankle-deep.

    DtM: What experience would a modern child have with curds and whey that would allow him to make this comparison?

    DineS: I started out with a full complement of Chronicle strips when I started snarking a few weeks ago, and I’ve been deleting one a week since then. Although it would make more sense for me to delete a strip I never snark about, rather than one I say something mean about most every day, I just really, really couldn’t stand to look at or read this one anymore.

    Drabble: Mark Trail reminds you: actual pictures of camp chairs that you could use for photographic reference can be found on the Internet!

    FC: And, what, she returned home with them in order to tell someone this before going off to school? Also, I didn’t have so many books to carry back and forth that I needed a backpack until fifth grade.

    Garfunkel: It actually amused me today. So sue me.

    GT: And therefore, by definition, was not (yet) an illegal alien. Incidentally, that’s the biggest airplane window I’ve ever seen.

    Heaffclith: For being so dumpy elsewhere, the two old broads have terriffic gams.

    Hi & Lois… are not available. Please leave your message at the sound of the beep: So is this later the same night as yesterday’s strip, with the kids eating cereal for dinner in the wake of their parents’ sudden departure? However, I do like the “Moo” brand milk for some reason.

    MF: Yesterday: Ha ha! Obama called Pennsylvanians “bitter!” Today: Ha ha! Obama called Pennsylvanians “bitter!” Tomorrow: Please kill me.

    MT: “However, this is a goddamn magazine, so shut up with your sob story and write an article before I can your poorly-drawn ass.”

    Marvin: I guess he must have demonstrated how he could “wish them into the cornfield” and get away with murder.

    MW: Richard: “She said she always liked me best, and I can play with your army men whenever I want!”

    Momma: “You’ll just have to live in sin with an indeterminate legal status, like decent people.”

    MG&G: Future historians will look back on how the issue of officially-sanctioned torture almost immediately became just more material for safe newspaper gag-a-day strips, and they’ll mark just when American ideals finally died.

    NS: Note to cartoonists: simply putting “carbon” in front of a reference to the normal kind of footprint is not funny. If you had a character walk through coal dust and leave “carbon footprints,” it would at least be something more than asking us to laugh just because you used a buzzword.

    PBS: However, a fuzzy, speechless, blank-faced but incredibly evil cat never gets old. Go fig.

    Phantom: Now I’m wondering if he even takes off the costume for sex, or if he drops the stripey underpants, hangs his wedding tackle out a convenient hole, and has at it.

    PreTeena: I’m starting to really like this strip, so naturally, it’s about to end.

    RLA: Are panel cartoonists contractually obligated to use a certain number of captions per year, whether they need them or not?

    S4th: In a strip that’s otherwise so undetailed, that shirt is really distracting. Liked the punchline, though.

    S-M: The proportionate tummy-ache of a spider!

  24. SecretMargo
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    Tri-lo-BIIIITE!! Well deserved, overdue, high-larious, etc. And SSB, Poteet, and all the others: kudos! I appreciate COTW Mondays too, Josh, especially after those weeks when I can’t keep up with the commentariat output.

  25. Loopina, Summer Intern of the Jungle Patrol
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    BB: That’s not mud.

  26. Donald The Anarchist
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    Uhhh…not to be ungrateful for another day in the limelight, but shouldn’t my comment be replaced now? I feel like the guy in boot camp, allowed to sit and sip ice water while the rest of the troop does push-ups, dreading the pillow party that is to come when it’s lights out….

    Either that, or Marvin may come in the night and slice my throat. Could we get him to kill Dennis and Marmaduke before they retcon him into a non-sociopath once more? Them and Dolly. If I never read another ‘Dollyism’, it’ll be too soon…

  27. Mr. O'Malley
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:52 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Winkerbeanville is bucking the trend.

    Right now we are starting to get valley carpenter bees. We call them all “Bob”–short for “Big Ol’ Bee”. The males are like blonde surfer dudes hanging around looking for babes. The females are shiny black and very choosy.

    These are native solitary bees. I don’t think they do much for pollination though. Maybe the honeybee collapse explains why we are not getting any cherries from our trees any more.

    We were just remarking last night that watching the bees fly around in our back yard is more entertaining than anything on TV.

  28. Frank Parsnip
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    Congrats COTWeekers!

    A3G: Was that something crucial a big kiss on the smacker from Jack Davis? Yes! Unfortunately, the kiss will feel overly slobbery to Lu Ann, who has grown accustomed to the cokehead drymouth kisses she gets from Alan.

    MT: Wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! Mark has waited around the offices of Bill Ellis’ “Woods & Wildlife” for a week for this? Of course that’s a week of his time… for us it’s been an eternity.

    MW: And what did she say to the brother? “Get this pillow off my face!”

    Funky Pantysniffer: My guess is that a “Pizza World” magazine cover story featuring Funky throwing lots of cash into the air will only spark his pizza workers to:

    a) riot;
    b) strike; or
    c) use a pizza cutter to cut Funky into 8 even pieces

    Oddly, although the Bill Ellis-published “Pizza World” periodical is read religiously by pizza workers, it actually mostly has articles about what to feed pet dogs.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: Max the Ax’s press conference … in which all references to subpoena have been fonetikali spelled.

    Jugs Parker:

    First Panel:
    Sam: “You’ve done a week’s work in one day.”
    Steve: “When it comes to faking billable time, you’re the master!”

    Second Panel:
    (Steve and Sam touch fists.)

    Third Panel:
    Sam: “You’re going to spread that out so it isn’t too obvious, right?”

    DT: Panel 2′s Dick Tracy has the smug look of a man about to push Sam Driver onto the hood of a police car. Smugger than smug, as it were.

  29. Mibbitmaker
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:40 am [Reply]

    FOOB: “Today I officially declared my intention (emphasis mine) to retire.” “…beginning in September, I’ll be working on Fridays only.” (e.m.)

    Jeez, John retires like Liz ‘n’ Blandie get engaged! Also, like Lynn retires. As if “Sorta”, “kinda”, and “maybe” are too definate for these people.

    Lemme guess: John does new orthodontia on Fridays, but reprints 29-year-old orthodontia the rest of the week, right?

  30. Ed Power, writer of My Cage
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:41 am [Reply]

    mollificent

    “Dilbert: Aha! Oh, come on. Norm from My Cage could SO take Dogbert. *grin*”

    Wow. Now that is one FREAKY coincidence! I mean, really nutty!

    Oh, and Norm couldn’t take Dogbert. Dogbert fights dirty, and appears in about 2,000 more newspapers then us. :D

    I’ve been catching up on my CC and wanted to throw my hat in the ring on the many yesterthread ago conversation about whether Manga would ever be viable in the paper.

    Here’s my answer: I hope so.

    Of course, I’d like there to be a ‘Love and Rockets’ daily strip, an ‘American Splendor’ daily strip, more kids strips, ala Slylock Fox (for the parents out there, how great would a Backyardigans or Pinky-Dinky-Doo comic strip be?)

    Sadly though, I don’t know if any of that will ever happen. Newspapers are concerned with what ‘most people’ want and we here aren’t ‘most people’.

    Want proof? A lot of posters here don’t like FBOFW, and that’s proabably the single most popular strip on the planet right now.

    Truth is ‘most people’ aren’t looking for new and exciting things on the comics page. They like things the way they are.

    Same thing with network TV. Sure, occasionally you have something like Lost or Buffy hit, but mostly it’s your normal sitcoms, gameshows, soap operas and cop/hospital dramas. If you want something ‘edgy’ you usually have to turn to cable or syndicated shows.

    Same thing with the comics page. It’s like the network television of comic strips. Sure, again, every few years we’re lucky enough to see things like PBS or Lio hit, but mostly things just stay the same.

    Will we everntually see a comics-page that matches the diversity seen on the net?

    I don’t know. But I hope so.

    Which brings me to Leu who wrote:

    “To me, Mycage is more like a webcomic than a newspaper comic.”

    Wow. You really hit the nail on the head as far as a conversation I had with my editor about the strip.

    I’m actually a little worried about that as far as promoting the strip goes.

    Oh, and special thanks to the people who wrote that they started reading MC this/last week. Much appreciated. Hope you like us. :)

  31. AhClem
    April 29th, 2008 at 5:56 am [Reply]

    FC – Anthony? ANTHONY? This isn’t a shout-out to FBoFW, it’s a puke-out.

  32. John C Fremont
    April 29th, 2008 at 5:59 am [Reply]

    Congrats to all! This puts me in a good mood! And I only missed a couple of them the first time around.

    A3G – Look! In the first panel! It’s TV’s Rick Jason, star of the television series Combat!

    Okay, Vic Morrow was the star, but still.

    GT – I wonder how Mr. Vargas worked bricks into his magic act.

  33. Arglebargle
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:46 am [Reply]

    Mother Goose & Grimm: No, Grimm, it isn’t. Hey, maybe one of these days, you’ll find out what the real thing is like. Believe this: you won’t try to turn the experience into a punchline.

    Monty: What was funny yesterday becomes creepy today.

    Luann: You used to be the tomboy, Luann–why don’t you take up the dangerous, macho-moron activities? Break a leg! Shatter a femur.

    Lackadaisycats: We never talk about it here (I guess because it’s a webcomic), but this continues to be astonishingly astonishing.

    FOOB: Think about it, John-boy–you’re giving up your beloved career to spend more time with her. What, nights of hot-flash FLAP FLAP FLAPping aren’t enough for you?

  34. Randall
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Luann: I’ll bet Gunther has a matching pig costume for himself. Watch that guy Luann, he may be exciting in ways you’re not prepared for.

    MW. Something about a doctor gesturing towards a dying patients family member with a thumb over his shoulder seems kinda wrong. I wonder if he’s really a doctor? Maybe the whole affair is a clever ruse to milk medicare! And Mary Worth is gonna blow the lid off the whole scam! Car chases and shootouts in Mary Worth! Yeah!

    Or maybe I should switch to decaf.

  35. Inspector Dim
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Ah, I see that the malignant tumor, which was the other thing the radioactive spider left behind, has finally caught up with Peter.

  36. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    GT: That Old Gil Thorp Magic.

    And, of course, major kudos for the magic of the COTWers!

  37. TheCasey
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Spiderman – Hey, y’all make fun of Peter Parker and his proportionate nausea of a spider, but did you ever think of how many flies that guy has to eat every single day? No wonder MJ has such a nice figure, she’s got to watch Bugsy McChompsalot eat. I can just see the two of them at the kitchen table in their apartment, Peter silently forcing spoonsful of bugs into his mouth with tears running down his face, MJ with a brittle smile on her face until she cracks and sprints to the bathroom for an involuntary purge.

  38. Weaselboy
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    #33, Arglebargle: Right there with you on Mother Goose and Grimm. I came right over to CC after I read it, but you said it much better than I ever could.

  39. I Hate Bernice
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Does anyone here live in hell? I was just wondering if there was a frost down there, because both Beetle Bailey and Blondie amused me today.

  40. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    FC: “Anthony says if I’m his girlfriend I hafta get in this cage he has in his basement. Can I? Oh, an’ what’s a ‘ring gag’?”

    thorps: Speaking as a brick, I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so good a mason that a contractor would fly them and their entire family in from Mexico instead of recruiting their masons the normal way, by driving past the Home Depot and yelling, “Quien quiere trabajar?”
    (The Spectacular Spider-Brick would like to apologize for this joke to any and all Mexicans in the audience. No offense is intended by the above joke. Mexicans are an honest, clean and hardworking people who only want a fair shot at a better life for their families. Please direct all complaints to Lou Dobbs, 1 CNN Center, Atlanta, GA 30348.)

    H&J: I can’t shake the feeling that the weird logo on the front of Herb & Jamaal’s restaurant is actually an ancient glyph to ward off Lovecraftian horrors. Or, as H&J themselves would put it, “those ancient evil creatures that gothic horror novelist wrote about in his books.”

    Luann: “Ready to try on your pig head?” “Sure… but why is there a lock on the zipper? And where am I supposed to put this tail? The base is just a rubber ball!”

    Pluggers: #7 with shades of #1 and #3! Hoooo!

    RMMRSA: Um… who are we talking to? Is that Heather the Gold-Digging Nanny? Not that I mind, but what’s she doing at the Morgans’ house? And why isn’t she wearing a loosely-tied fluffy pink robe?

    S-M: “No…! Cramping up from… hunger pangs! Need… cream soda and a big bag of Funyuns! And hurry, ‘Idol’ is almost on!”

  41. Tweeks_Coffee
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Congrats to all you funny, funny commentators!

    A3G: Guest-starring Tom Hanks as Jim Lovell as the print shop guy!
    Crock: Cars? When was the last time there was anything vaguely car-like in this strip?
    DtM: I call BS, I seriously doubt Dennis really has any idea what curds and whey is.
    DT: I seriously doubt that toy bow and arrow could’ve done much damage. I think he’s more in danger of putting someone’s eye out.
    FC: Dolly’s getting all set for a life of servitude to the superior male, I see.
    H&J: Yeah, the only thing you have to worry about is getting the shoe polish for your mustache on right.
    MT: “Yeah, a real tragedy, Mark. Now, about all those articles you were supposed to be writing…”
    OBH: Thank you , Ms. Minnelli.
    SF: Sheesh, Ted, tone it down a bit. He’s on the verge of a hissy fit there.
    S-M: TV withdrawl, no doubt.
    tAS: I laughed, is this another rip-off? Though as is par, the caption is completely unnecessary.

  42. TheDiva
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    29 Mibbitmaker: For what it’s worth, my father-in-law has been planning on “retiring soon” for at least a year and a half now. I think part of that is his company’s fault, though–John, being self-employed, has no such excuse.

    FC: And I’m sure Anthony told her he’d respect her in the morning, too.

    FW: Wow, “Pizza World” is even bigger than the “I Accuse My Parents” essay contest.

  43. Niall
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    A3G: Whoever said this was now written strictly for our benefit? I believe you. No sane soap writer would give us such straight lines.

    Archie: …stopped clock syndrome: I was amused by Archie for the first time this calendar year. I mean, it’s something close to what I would have said. Also, Mrs. whatshername with long nose is substituting for Betty as Impassionate Observer.

    Blondie: Aside from being anti-funny, I admit that lone big bright yellow button in the middle of his shirt has always confounded me. Why is it there? What does it represent? Was it ever a real style?

    Curtis: The hug’s not surprising (but welcome) – it’s the fact that Billingsley allowed laws of physics to apply enough to get that damned green cap off his head.

    DtM: Later, Dennis found his way to a little remoteNorthWest town called Twin Peaks… (If I remember enough from the show that is, otherwise I just made a nonsense fool of myself!)

    DT: That first panel gives me a flashback to Dick getting the transmitter from Gretchen in gory ways we never were shown.

    F Minus: amused me today.

    FC: seems to rival H&L in bleak, depressing outcomes. Dolly is ripe for a lifetime of being abused.

    Garfield: Prime candidate for GminusG.

    GT: Honestly, this strip is batshit insane enough that in panel 1, I honetsly believed that whatshisname’s dad was a stage magician, working with a promoter named Bricks. Honestly, it would make as much sense.

    HtH: After seeing a bloody battle recently for the first time, is this also not the first time we seen Norway’s King?

    H&L: Panel 2′s middle speech balloon can be substituted with a single word: “SUGAR!”

    MT: “That is unfortunate. And completely not our business. Where’s the next article I asked of you? Our printer has a deadline, you know. Did you spend the week watching a little girl cry in her room? You’re getting creepier, Mark.”

    MW: Doctors deal with enough drama, they never purposefully create more like this.

    My Cage: Okay, now Norm is more pathetic than me. :) Love the coach!

    Phantom: …I refuse to follow where my mind is trying to take me after panel 2.

    SF: I never say this, but… dammit, Ted is so gay in panel 3. There are limits, and he pushed right through them.

    SlyFox: “Tonight on the 6 o’clock news: Tragedy strikes suburbia when a man goes on a rampage, striking birds dead and sawing them in two, then turns on his family.”

  44. Hank
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    RE: Comment of the Week. Woo Hoo! Runner-up! Does this mean that, in the event that Trilobite is unable to perform his snarking duties this week I get to wear a tiara? Cool!

    Congrats to Trilobite and all the winners!!

  45. gkl
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Are you still a plugger if you try to adjust your mirror by hand without rolling down the window, thus breaking the glass and lacerating your fist into a horrifying, bloody pulp? I don’t know, but I’d sure like to see it happen in the strip.

  46. Nekrotzar
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    #9: The Spectacular Spider-Brick is like a stream of bat’s piss.

    It’s one of Oscar’s.

  47. Calico
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    FC – In the perfect Keane Katholic world, Dolly has been taught that the only thing she should ever carry is a bun in the oven.

  48. Niall
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    17. mollificent: and these are the days when we love you. :)

    22. …and you’ve always been super in my books! ;)

    20. Mars: The regular Marvel Universe books have dealt with that by having an innocuous clinic doctor be Surgeon to the Heroes, never asking questions. Well, for those who are poor anyway, like SpiderMan. The Avengers and Batman have a Butler Ex Machina to patch them up.

    33. Arglebargle: Lackadaisy is indeed fantastic. But yes, it’s a webcomic. :)

    36. Dean Booth: Bwahaha!! Beautiful!

    And it’s sad how many of the strips get most mudgeons going in the same direction today. A low day on the funnies page.

  49. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Today’s Curtis features a tender, heartwarming moment that makes me want to punch a kitten in the fucking throat.

  50. Inspector Dim
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Luann: *sigh* I think Luann is about to learn an Important Lesson for Life. Namely, that she is shallow and Bernice is a bitch.

  51. A lemur
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    I don’t know, I thought Tracy had a sort of world weary look on his face in panel two. “Yeah, yeah, same old story. Another artist out for filthy lucre gets tied into a web of criminality and deceit. I’ll just stand here with my back turned to this crazed lunatic.”
    Dab: “I grabbed this bow and arrow, see? And notched it like this, see? And drew it back like this, see? And then I…opps…
    Tracy: “Uh! Uk! Ulk!”

    Which by an amazing coincidence are also the noises Tracy’s wife hears during conjugal relations…

  52. commodorejohn
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – TUNE IN TOMORROW for the THRILLING CONCLUSION: “SHE’S GOT BEES IN HER WALL!”

    Curtis – You’re right, Curtis. There isn’t anything wrong with it. The adults around you are just too panicky that some child might suffer the consequences of their own actions to let you have the freedom to make that choice.

    DT – Dick smirks. The ne’er-do-well nonconformist will never get his paycheck now.

    FC – …did Family Circus just take a jab at FOOB?

    FOOB – “That’s wonderful, John. Now you’ll be completely under my control!”

    Garfield – Garfield made me laugh today.

    GT – “My dad was a magician with bricks. He’d animate legions of masonry and use them to crush his enemies.”

    H&L – I actually used to do this, but it was just Corn Flakes, Cheerios, and Rice Krispies, which are all unflavored. I don’t think mixing flavored cereals would be very good.

    JP – OH PLEASE LET THIS LEAD TO ABBEY IN SPACE

    MC – I feel for ya, Norm.

    Momma – Actually, given that Mary-Lou’s beloved here appears to be some kind of lesser primate, I can’t say I blame Momma.

    PBS – Hahaha YES.

    Ziggy – Me too.

  53. gnome de blog
    April 29th, 2008 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    29, Mibbitmaker said:
    “Lemme guess: John does new orthodontia on Fridays, but reprints 29-year-old orthodontia the rest of the week, right?

    Front-runner for next week’s COTW.

  54. rhymes with puck
    April 29th, 2008 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    FC: Dolly is well on her way to being the neighborhood slut.

    Spider-Man: It looks like we can add salmonella to the extremely long list of people/animals/objects/microorganisms that Spider-man can’t beat.

    FW: Where does all the money that Funky is throwing on the cover come from? It looks to me like the only people that frequent Montoni’s are a bunch of old, cantankerous smirkers who never seem to be actually, you know, eating pizza.

  55. Old School Allie Cat
    April 29th, 2008 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – I can now speak from personal experience, having spent the last five days chilling in an ICU waiting room – you would think that not having your parent able to talk would be a blessing – I’m looking at you, John and Elly – but it’s honestly pretty horrific.

    Without being a total buzzkill, Father Cat is now recuperating from a quadruple bypass and carotid artery surgery. He’s feisty, his nurses are total superheroes – it’s as good as a bad situation can be.

    But it doesn’t give me any sympathy for Richard and Ron. It gives me even less sympathy for Mary. Maybe someone could intubate her and she’d shut up.

  56. Bootsy
    April 29th, 2008 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    #23, Daimond Jim, Your Phantom comment cracked me up, and “wedding tackle” made me giggle at my desk.

    Congrats to this week’s winners.

  57. AtomicDog
    April 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    22 mollificent – I’m afraid not. Supergirl’s name is either Kara Zor-El or Kara In-Ze, depending whether you go with the Comic Book or DC Animated Universe continuity.

    Why, yes, I am a major comic book geek. Why do you ask?

  58. Bootsy
    April 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    In Luann, it’s obvious they’re trying to de-geekify Gunther, removing the glasses and pocket protector and whatnot, but why oh why did they have to give him a Snuffy Smith nose? Everyone else in that comic has the “half circle and two dots” porcine type nose. It’s distracting, that’s what it is. And the fact that I am so easily distracted is quite beside the point, thank you very much.

  59. Calico
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    #55 – Good luck to Dad Cat and you & the rest of your family. I believe he’ll be just fine!

    My Mum had a double bypass and valve replacement surgery last year, and she is doing superbly now. Positive attitude, love and good wishes, in addition to good medical care, make all the difference in the world.

    Dedicated Nurses Rock! : D

  60. KH
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Didn’t John retire before? To play with trains?

    Luann: Yes, Gunther, but they are all gay men or lonely men. NTTAWWT.

    SF: Every interview is a Forth interview for you, buddy.

    FW: Today I am just sad about it. Funky was fun and cool (in a comic strip way). Now he’s just a complete and total asshat.

  61. commodorejohn
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    #29 Mibbitmaker – Did you send that to Coffee Stalk? You should.

  62. Anonymous
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    17 mollificent:

    Don’t know if you’re a Sheldon reader (I’m addicted, myself), but your comment on Hayden Christiansen reminded me of a classic strip from the series.

    http://sheldoncomics.com/archive/070205.html

    Burn!

  63. boojum
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    62 was me. Stoopid cookies!

  64. commodorejohn
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    #17 mollificent – In all fairness, the major problem with Anakin in the prequels was the fact that George Lucas wanted him that way. I haven’t seen Christiansen in anything else, but I find it hard to believe that he could possibly be as bad an actor as he seems.

  65. KH
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    #64. Jumper, earlier this year. Oh, yes he is.

    One day, I feel sure, the rich mantle of charisma will descend upon [Hayden Christensen], but Jumper is not that occasion. Anthony Lane, New Yorker.

    Given its uninvolving story, uninteresting characters and the presence of half-man/half-tree Hayden Christensen, the movie is wholly dependent on special effects, which I rate only so-so. Jack Matthews, New York Daily News

  66. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Oh, for crimony’s sake. I see what’s happening here. This isn’t the original Vulture, who was an old guy named Adrian Toomes. This is Blackie Drago, an impostor who (in the comic-book continuity) stole the original Vulture’s wings and is best known for bragging that he killed Spider-Man, when in fact Spidey had collapsed from the flu. It’s the truth! We’re being set up for a repeat here, I betcha. Spidey will fight The Vulture and collapse from his stomach pains, and The Vulture will claim he won, until Spidey confronts him again and The Vulture loses because of dead batteries or feathers in his air intake or some other stupid crap that has nothing to do with our lame hero. Mark this date, The Prescient Spider-Brick called it.

  67. John Steed, Professional
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    #20 Mars

    “…What on earth does Superman do? Needles and scalpels would break in half against him. There’s no way to conceal that….”

    Well, my guess is that Superman would never have to go to a doctor. just a hunch…

  68. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    April 29th, 2008 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    By the way, rhymes with puck‘s S-M comment @ 54 is made of the proportionate win of a spider.

  69. Saluki
    April 29th, 2008 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Wow. Dennis has lured a young nubile female person into his bed! I just curious what that hose hanging on his dresser drawer is for.

  70. Dingo
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Folks, if y’all are hankerin’ to see just how bad white kids in eastern Pennsylvania dance, y’need to check out my site at school: Electronic Field Production. Kutztown Hullabaloo! is located at the bottom of the page. I swear, it makes me think of an after-hours pool party at Charterstone.

  71. Gabe
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man cramps up when he’s away from his TV more than two seconds.

    And how, exactly did the Vulture get through the REST OF THE DAMN PRISON? Why wouldn’t they JUST SHOOT HIM? Did he also make some body armor he’s hiding under his clothes?

  72. Buck Remus
    April 29th, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    You beat me to it, Dean Booth.(36) But seriously –

    …a magician with bricks??

    There’s gotta be a T-shirt there somewhere. Does anyone think the elder Vargas could be responsible for the brick that took out Spider-Man a year and a half ago?

  73. Dub Not Dubya
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    55 Old School Allie Cat, my best wishes and prayers if ya want ‘em for your father and your whole family. Been there a few times myself, and I know how stressful it is. Hope the fun snarking here gives you some laughs and takes your mind off of things for a while.

  74. Jane the Mostly Lurker
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    # 23 Diamond Joe – I’m with you on most of these (esp. MF and MG&G), but actually find myself defending FC on this one (Lord help me!). My son’s in Kindergarten now and carries a backpack like Dolly’s. It has his snack, library book, jacket, and a thin folder for carrying paperwork home. The school doesn’t have lockers and his cubby is shared with a morning Kindergartener, so everything he brings has to be in the backpack.

    Not that realism or lack of it is the main problem with Family Circus, of course.

  75. Arglebargle
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    If Crankshaft‘s current “crisis” (I could think of far worse things to have in the walls than bees) leads to a joke about “your sugar/honey walls” made by an elderly man, I will start a petition for the arrest of the author.

    “Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! …Ow! OWWWWWWW!! They’re defending themselves somehow!”
    –Homer J. Simpson

  76. Astroboy
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    PBS – That innocently evil kitty is starting to give the crocs a run as my favorite characters!

  77. 4EvahFan
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Stone Soup comment here, but I gotta vent. I can’t stand it when characters refer to themselves as “Sis.” NOBODY calls their sister “sis!” (I’m talking to you too, Michael Patterson). We get it — Val and Joan are sisters. They do not have to refer to themselves as “sis” everytime they talk to each other. For heaven’s sake, they live next door to each other so they see each other all the time! Stop calling each other Sis! We get it already!

    AllieCat: Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your dad.

  78. NotAGoatHead
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Crankshaft will attempt to remove the bees in the wall by using (a) a sledgehammer, (b) 2 gallons of gasoline and (c) a blowtorch. After the explosion and resulting fire, the house will be burnt to the ground but he will have gotten rid of the bees in the wall!

    Dennis the M: J’notice that the piggy bank took a big bite out of the lamp?

  79. Trilobite
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Well, my day just got better! My thanks to Josh and to everyone, and my congratulations to everyone else on the float!

    Of course, now I have to hop on the bummer train known as the Tuesday comics:

    Mark Trail: Bill Ellis takes shelter behind his big office chair and can only proffer a noncommittal “That is unfortunate!” until the Woods and Wildlife Magazine legal team gets back to him on their liability for this whole puppy fiasco. He makes a private vow to himself: next year, whichever brat wins the essay contest is just getting a goddamn check, and maybe a free subscription. Sure, puppies make for better photo ops, but AT WHAT COST?

    Mary Worth: It almost looks like someone came along after the art was finished, realized that the doctor had the same hairstyle and face as the dueling brothers, and decided to quickly erase the cleft chin and quickly sketch in a mustache instead. I would think this was some shamefully sloppy work, if I didn’t have Apartment 3G‘s army of clones to compare it to.

    Phantom: If Mrs. Phantom does see the two newly-inducted patrolwomen in downtown Mawitaan, maybe she should just keep her mouth shut so they don’t get fired. It’s the Jungle Patrol, after all: they shouldn’t be in the city, they should be out in the jungle driving around in jeeps with their festive little ascots like all the rest of ‘em.

  80. Trilobite
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    #20 Mars says:

    I’ve always wondered. Where does a superhero go when he needs an emergency doctor anyway? The doctor might find something weird, and then discover the hero’s identity. And I don’t mean something as absentminded as actually wearing the costume under your clothes. Anything could give it away.

    What on earth does Superman do? Needles and scalpels would break in half against him. There’s no way to conceal that.

    Are you ready for extreme nerdery? Because here it comes!

    The comic book answer in the Marvel universe is the Night Nurse, a buxom Barreto-esque lass in an old-fashioned nurse outfit who runs a secret emergency clinic for street-level heroes as a “thank you” for being saved by heroes some time ago. She’s also dating Dr. Strange, or at least she was very recently. I’m not joking, although it’s actually a little better in practice than it sounds when I describe it.

    More powerful/wealthy heroes can afford fancy-shmancy automatic medical devices (Iron Man, the Fantastic Four), have their own doctors on the team (the X-Men), or glom on to some fat government health plan (the Mighty Avengers, anyone working for the Initiative, anyone working with SHIELD).

    And sometimes they just go into a normal hospital under an assumed name and hope for the best, or at least hope that the “how will I get out of the hospital without revealing my secret identity!” plot will be over quickly. (Non-emergency medical care is more iffy; usually it ends up getting handled on a friendly basis by one of the heroes who has a medical degree.)

    I’m not really sure how the DC universe handles it, but I know that Batman’s got his own butler-ex-machina (as Niall points out at #48) and I think anyone remotely associated with the JSA ends up going to Doctor Midnight and/or STAR Labs for their inexplicable medical conundrums.

  81. NotAGoatHead
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Did I mention that the nest ‘o bees in the wall built their nest around a gas line?

  82. Joe
    April 29th, 2008 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: You’re right Curtis! The ends do justify the means! *bawls*

  83. Old School Allie Cat
    April 29th, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    4Evah, Calico and Dub – Thanks for the kind words – good progress today on that front! They took out the ventilator, and his first words (since Thursday) were, “Free at last!”

  84. Mountain Mama
    April 29th, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    #83–Allie, I’m so glad your father seems to be doing well.

    Congratulations, Trib and all the other floaters. RaJ, glad to see you made the list. That was some funny stuff, there.

  85. J.S.
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    I have a little internet crush on Trilobite, even after the dump of comics-related medical information.

  86. Sarah Marie
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    #65

    George Lucas just sucks at directing actors. HC is wonderful in “Shattered Glass”, “Awake”, and “Life as a House”.

    Sorry about going off topic; I was gonna let it go, but the hate kept coming. :p

  87. Poteet
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    # 55 Allie Cat — I’ve spent time in hospitals with relatives with cardiac problems, so I sympathize. Hope your dad will feel better very soon.

    I know I’m too late with this, but the first panel in yesterday’s MW, with its dramatic colors, hand gestures, expressions, and body positions, reminded me of a bad Biblical painting in a back room of some small Belgian art museum, painted by a very minor artist with an alcohol problem. Just remove the balloons and box. “Saint Ronald and Saint Richard Attend the Death of Saint Donna of Amalfi.”

  88. Poteet
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    # 17 Mollificent — You just reminded me that in a recent obituary in our local paper (yes, I skim the obits, there aren’t many), I saw that the deceased, who was in her late thirties, had named her only surviving son “Anakin.” My first thought was to feel sorry that she’d died so young. My second thought was that the kid might have been better off if she’d named him “Sue.”

  89. Josh
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Re: Super-hero medical care: If you’re newspaper-strip Spider-Man, you just go to a regular doctor, and only realize while you’re there that you’re still wearing your superhero costume under your clothes. No, really.

    Josh

  90. Alfred E. Neuman, Feeling Good
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft— Consistent with the current low standards of Crankshaftian humor, I predict that today’s strip will be used to set up a hideous geezer pun. After Crankshaft is asked if he can help with the problem, he will say, “It’s none of my beeswax!”.

  91. Lisa
    April 29th, 2008 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    I’m glad, too, that your father is doing well… tell him to hang in there!

    My Cage: (((Norm))) I was always chosen last too…. sigh…. I think I am in love with that little blue balding bird…. he’s so sweet.

  92. Reedzilla
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    ahem.

    My dad was a magician with bricks.

    My dad was a magician with bricks.

    I think that may be the most beautiful sentence ever constructed by mankind. Thank you, Gil Thorp. Thank you.

  93. LTBF
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    FW>>>I’m assuming “Pizza World” is some sort of trade magazine. I work in the grocery business and most stores subscribe to some sort of grocery trade magazine. But nobody who isn’t in the business would want to read it and I’ve never seen any type of magazine of that sort at a news stand. So where did funky get all the extra issues? Did he go around stealing mail from all the area pizza joints?

  94. KT
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I think I know what’s happening to Peter Parker…

    http://kinkyturtle.masemware.com/pictures/other/Spiderman20080429painful.gif

  95. Trilobite
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    HE WAS A MAGICIAN WITH BRICKS
    The Armando Vargas Story

    MILFORD, CT — Famous illusionist and Rotary Club Man of the Year Armando Vargas announced his retirement today, after nearly twenty years at the top of his profession. Citing his declining wrist strength and a worsening case of arthritis, the world’s most renowned magician says that his departure from the stage was “heart-breaking, but necessary.”

    When his career began, few could have imagined that the world of professional magic had room for a Latino immigrant, let alone one who specialized in masonry and masonry-related tricks. But after his breakout performance of the now-legendary “sawing a brick in half” illusion on The Tonight Show, Vargas quickly became the toast of the talk show circuit, premiering and then perfecting a plethora of amazing illusions, ranging from “pulling a brick out of a hat” to “the mysterious levitating cinder block.”

    Financial security soon followed in fame’s footsteps, as Dolan Masonry proposed a then-unheard-of contract which would bring Vargas up from his native Mexico to do six months’ worth of shows in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

    “He was a boon to the entire industry, not just our company,” reminisced Dave Dolan, CEO and founder of Dolan Masonry. “Before Armando came along, we dealt mostly with contractors and the home-improvement market. It was a good business model, but we just weren’t expanding our customer base fast enough. But once people — kids in particular — got a load of what you could do with a brick in your spare time, it was like we had a license to print money. Now I’d say at least a third of our factory output goes right into the hands of magicians and magic enthusiasts, especially after we got the idea to include Armando’s classic Six Quick Brick Tricks instructional pamphlet with every purchase of fifty pounds or more.”

    This Saturday, talent ranging from Penn and Teller to David Blaine will be on hand at the Milford Community Theatre to present a tribute to Armando Vargas, entitled “The Bulging Forearms of Magic.” Fans are encouraged to bring their own bricks and demonstrate their favorite illusions, or to throw them at the guest of honor.

  96. astroboy
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    #95 Trilobite, may I say it first: you are a genius!

  97. AeroSquid
    April 29th, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

  98. Vince M
    April 29th, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    95: Yes, but can Vargas put bricks to sleep with hypnosis?

  99. dale
    April 30th, 2008 at 4:54 am [Reply]

    98. Vince M

    I’m not sure Terry Jones (?) could either. Just because it’s on TV doesn’t mean it’s true. If it’s in a newspaper, that you can trust. Also, the intertubes.

  100. gnome de blog
    April 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    So what do ordinary Mawitaanians know about the fabulous Diana Walker* (*for Ghost Who Walks)? Merely that she’s a jet-setting do-gooder socialite with U.N. connections who shows up now and then to pal around with lady cops and waitresses? Do they know she lives in the Deep Woods* (*for Impenetrable Jungle)? Do they know she’s married and has teenage kids? Do they ever wonder why they never see her husband? Do they ever wonder what little game she’s up to?

    If I were a lady cop or a waitress, I’d haul her out to Jungle Patrol HQ for a little “Questioning.”

  101. Lolsworth
    May 26th, 2008 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Hey, I was in that! And I didn’t notice! What the crap?

  102. Real Estate News
    January 22nd, 2014 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    I need to to thank you for this very good read!!
    I certainly enjoyed every bit of it. I’ve got you bookmarked to look at new things you post…

Comments are closed for this post.