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Metapost: Post-non-apocalyptic comments of the week

Sorry, everybody who was hoping that the Mayan Apocalypse would descend today and end all your troubles: it didn’t! You have to endure your existence for who knows how much longer, and also endure my jokes for another couple of days, then I’ll take off for Christmas, then come back just after the New Year, and the cycle will continue ad infinitum. But if the world had ended today, you wouldn’t be able enjoy this comment of the week!

“If this Mary Worth storyline doesn’t feature a Rocky-style cake-decorating training montage, I’m going to start a class-action lawsuit.” –commodorejohn

Nor would you have the experience of reading these very funny runners up!

“Kudos to the A3G colorist for cleverly simulating the effect of viewing the strip through a bottle of urine.” –Cayuga

“That Herb and Jamaal just ruined my day. I know that is the goal of the strip, and they usually come close, but this one knocked it out of the park. I’m going back to bed.” –Lowell

“FAX MACHINES: The fast, modern way to connect!” –Doctor Handsome

“Does anyone think this guy wants to be a professional cake designer for any other reason than to lure children to his home?” –nescio

“I like how the three people in the background of the first panel seem to have never seen a cake before. ‘No … no, wait. It’s a … circular horse picture done in mind meltingly horrible pink? It sure is … something that someone made.’” –Tophat

Mary Worth: “It doesn’t have to be only a dream, John. It can be your worst nightmare, and I can make that happen!” –Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos

“Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet? Check out my YouTube channel!” –Chareth Cutestory

“It’s a magic hat that brings Frosty to life, right? I’m guessing he’s been a little off since he swiped this one from a boy band member in 1995.” –BigTed

“That cat in Better Half is terrifying. Just staring. Judging.” –Puzzled Pagan

Where is Spiderman? He’s busy not stopping a trained chimpanzee for committing a crime.” –Holly Folly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Servant of the Muses: A novella by Voshkod, frequent Comics Curmudgeon commenter and occasional rider on the comment float, writing as Brad White. Jake Conrad is a two-bit detective in the city by the bay. For twenty dollars a day — plus expenses — he’ll take your case. When his assistant Clio vanishes one foggy San Francisco morning, Jake finds himself on his hardest case yet. A mysterious redhead wants Clio found, but some people want to make sure she stays lost forever. Everyone’s got a motive, and everyone’s playing their own game. If Jake can’t figure it out, his hero’s journey may be over before it begins in this noir mythical mystery.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

76 responses to “Metapost: Post-non-apocalyptic comments of the week”

  1. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    Congrats! To commodorejohn and all who float on the waves of laughter. Throw Christmas cookies. Chocolate Christmas cookies.

  2. Horace Broon
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, everyone!

  3. bats :[
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    I am so behind in comic reading, it’s not funny (hah! I made a joke!). Of course everyone mentioned here is terrific. And I love the cat in Better Half, and so special Solstice kudos to Puzzled Pagan for noticing/being terrified by it.

    While trying to catch up on my reading, I looked at a week’s worth of Stripeybutt Shenanigans, and all I could think of was, “Dang! I wish I had enough stashed art to replace Ghost Lioness with Guran.”

    Meanwhile, back in San Diego…

  4. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#1): I’d like to congratulate everyone who made it on the float this week, but Sequitur got chocolate Christmas cookie in my eye.

  5. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, float-folk! Throw bourbon balls! Oh, wait—no need; I made some yesterday!

  6. cheech wizard
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to commodorejohn! At least one of the Great Old Ones is coming into his own on this day.

  7. Notebooked
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all floaters and all runners-up,
    All take a celebratory sup.

  8. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#y191): Interesting article! (Thanks for linking.)

  9. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#4): Sorry. I scarfed down that cookie like a bear with a Boog and crumbs went a-flyin’.

  10. sporknpork
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Happy holidays, floaters! Wonderfully funny!

  11. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    If Josh will be away for a week will Uncle Lumpy take over or will we have another end-of-the-year marathon where we try to break the comment record? What is the record anyway?

  12. This Guy
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    A victory for the power of MONTAGE! Merry everything to everyone.

    @lynn (#y125): Oh, it’s no trouble. Try <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw5acgqIHQE"listening to it with the cheery, “Hey Jude”-style music.

  13. Anonymous
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all. I hope Santa leaves something a little “extra” in your stocking.

  14. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Great comments this week – Josh must have had a tough time deciding!

  15. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#13): I’d settle for coal, if I were on the float. It is getting a bit chilly around these parts.

    OFF TOPIC — Does anybody know where to get an actual hunk of coal (not charcoal or coke)? My daughter found an entry in one of my old science books for an experiment (this one, actually — http://mi-nutemusings.blogspot.com/2008/03/coal-flowers.html), but for the life of me I don’t know where to get real coal from…

  16. Voshkod
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    Amazon sells coal as Xmas gag gifts.

  17. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to everyone!
    Merry Holidays!

  18. nescio
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to commodorejohn and everyone else. I haven’t gotten any COTW action lately so this is a nice Xmas present. Plus, my latest submission to [Citation Needed] got published. I knew it would get approved when I submitted it with the description “puerile double entendre.”

  19. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I got run all up in that! An early Christmas! And in such esteemed company – I am so honored! Break out the mojicans, everyone, and drink ‘em while they last!

  20. Shrug, Nibbling While Waiting for Nibiri
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#11):

    “What is the record anyway?”

    It’s a round black vinyl disc on which sound is recorded and can be played back. But that’s not important now!

    /// What IS important is that the funny float riders throw traditional Mayan candy. And remember, if the world is ending in the next few hours, calories don’t count!

  21. hibbleton
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

  22. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @hibbleton (#21): Colorado… but I just took Voshkod’s advice (kind-of) and ordered a nice chunk off of eBay. A bit pricey, but I didn’t need a short ton of the stuff.

  23. Shrug, Crossing Up Kris
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#15):

    If you can wait a few days, I’m sure many of us Curmudgeons will be getting lumps of coal in our Christmas stockings (Bad Lynn for sure, to name but one), and we could send same on to you, thus doing a good deed and lessening our chances of getting more next year.

    /// I’m *totally* sure Santa will agee to that, cuz any backtalk from the jolly old elf and we’ll sic Mark Trail’s Fists-o-Justice on his hideously beardy face.

  24. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    I heat my house all winter with the coal I get from Santa.

  25. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    Think of all the fun I’ve missed: Nehemiah Scudder, whom I have not kissed. Next year I’ll be just as good as long as he stays out of my neighborhood…

  26. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#5):

    Throw bourbon balls!

    I’m ready to toss a couple back. We just got a package of bourbon balls in the mail from the daughter and grand-kids!

  27. Dale
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    GIL THORP

    Did anyone ever go to a HS game with a one-person, or even two-person, Go Team type signs?

  28. Anonymous
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn, a fellow Minnesotan, is at the top of the heap. To celebrate, Governor Dayton is holding a 3-day bash at the Capital that will put Rex’s party with the strippers and surfer dudes to shame. Woo hoo!

  29. AhClem
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    #28 was me. Stoopid cookies.

    Should that be ‘capital’ or ‘capitol?’ I always get them mixed up.

  30. cheech wizard
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#29): The building is the Capitol, the city is the capital.

  31. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#27): No, but maybe we could start a fad.

  32. Dale
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#31):

    If it’s an away game, it would be: getting beaten up in the parking lot and having one’s tires slashed.

  33. Anonymous
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#22): If I can unite one person with a chunk of carbonized plant matter, then my Christmas is complete.

  34. Voshkod
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    And 33 was me.

  35. Dale
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL and Bill Ellis were captured at some fishing spot.
    Bill was sent back to the yacht with instructions to return to that spot, in one week, with the ransom money.
    Mark was then taken to the island.

    How is it that Bill shows up at the island?
    If the date and time are right, why isn’t Otto waiting at the spot?

  36. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos (#26): Bourbon balls? I didn’t know bourbon was male or female. I always thought of it as an equal opportunity liquor.

  37. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#36): Bourbon balls are the perfect marriage of bourbon, chocolate, pecans, and sugar. Their gender is irrelevant.

  38. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#37): Actually, much better than rum balls.

  39. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    @undeadoranges (#Y215): In case anyone was interested, the creation of “heist” as a noun would be considered a conversion, also known as a functional shift, in which new words are created by shifting the part of speech of a word to another part of speech without changing the form of the word.

    But, since “heist” is simply a variant of “hoist”, and the latter has been used as both a verb and a noun since the 16th C., there actually was no conversion, as you call it, for heist.

    M-W’s earliest citation for “heist” as a verb meaning to steal is 1850. The noun form only goes back to 1930.

    // Now, get back to work.

  40. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

  41. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#36):

    I didn’t know bourbon was male or female.

    Have you ever known a bourbon with a girl’s name?

  42. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#37):

    Bourbon balls are the perfect marriage of bourbon, chocolate, pecans, and sugar.

    I notice you list bourbon as the first ingredient. I would like to assume that means it constitutes the largest proportion.

  43. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Crossing Up Kris (#23): @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#22): If only you lived in Pennsylvania – they still sell it in some hardware stores for home stoves.

    No, really.

  44. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos (#41): Have you ever known a bourbon with a girl’s name?
    Sort of.

  45. Peanut Gallery
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#15): This story is of no practical value, but: When I was a kid, my dad took us on a hiking trip that followed railroad tracks part of the way. All along the tracks, there were small lumps of coal that had fallen out of railroad cars. We picked up a few and put them in the campfire later, just for the novelty of seeing rocks burn. Ever since then, I’ve had this false impression in the back of my mind, that coal is easy to get whenever you want it, by just picking it up off the ground.

  46. Peanut Gallery
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#44): Yes, Santa Claus, there is an Old Virginia!

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos (#41): no, but I know a girl with bourbon for a name.

  48. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to the float-riders. You guys rock. And thank nescio for a naughty laugh at Mary Worth‘s expense.

  49. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos (#41): I have no personal experience with this, so I can’t vouch for its quality.

  50. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Congrats commodorejohn! Good to see you sitting in the big chair on the float.

  51. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#32): As much as I’m convinced that virtually everyone not on the Comics Curmudgeon forum is a first-class idiot, I’m not too impressed with this guy’s case about how our intelligence peaked a few thousand years ago. I more agree with Professor Jones: “At first sight this is a classic case of Arts Faculty science. Never mind the hypothesis, give me the data, and there aren’t any. I could just as well argue that mutations have reduced our aggression, our depression and our penis length but no journal would publish that. Why do they publish this?”

  52. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#40): So, “heist with my own petard” means… never mind.

  53. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn: Only my insane, raging jealousy prevents me from congratulating you. I’m not too happy about the rest of the floaters, either. This is, I admit, a character flaw, and I grieve over it in these long winter evenings.

    // Be orgulous!

  54. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#52): E-yup. The hand got a little rambunctious.

  55. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#15): @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#43): There’s a place down the road here in Bessemer, Alabama called the Moore Coal Company. They are mostly in the trash removal business these days, but they still keep a stack of coal out back, and they’ll sell you a twenty pound sack for a few bucks.

    I have a couple of outdoor fireplaces and chimneas I use on cool nights when I have outdoor parties. Get a nice wood fire going, and toss a few lumps of coal on it, and it will endure til the last drunk stumbles home. Makes a nice green & blue effect in the fire too.

  56. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    AD – Now this is what I thought yesterday’s strip was about — but I couldn’t make it work out right when the laxative was for Santa, and not the trailing reindeer. Well, it’s as funny as a pile of… what’s the word? oh yeah… Marvin.

    Loser“Why isn’t phonetically spelled phonetically?”
    Because it’s spelled “phonetically.”

    Cow – Damn, we’re getting down to the wire on this one.

    Hägar – Art’s looking a little off. Are they breaking in a new Browne or Walker or Keane or something?

  57. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    love is… – It’s good that they minimize the butt cheeks, but do they have to draw in the butt holes?

    Marfield – How soon now before Marvin gets a kid sibling to pick up the slack, vis á vis staring at the audience, thinking smarmy thoughts, and pooping?

    Mary – Looks like this is a key moment for the guy who managed a hotel. “Yes… with great pastry comes great responsibility!”

    Popeye – I can see how a plodding plug would tie up traffic behind it, but not how it slows down the car(s?) in front of it.

  58. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @fans facebook français (#yy377): le blah blah blah le spam blah le merde

    @Liam (#y173): He taught Moe how to mix drinks.
    MOEJITOS???

  59. Droopy Says
    December 22nd, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to the floaters!
    ==================
    Spiderdick: Is MJ talking to herself as she lies alone in bed? Or is she speaking to a lover who just happens to be out of frame?

    Les and Lesser: None of them have sung in years, they certainly haven’t practiced, Creepy and Fat Failure are no doubt exagerrating heir skills, Fishface and Foly may not have any singing skills–behold the perfect Cancerville Caroling Quartet!

    Phantom: If the line from “Coyote Ugly” was “Hey! No teabagging!” what would the line be for “Lionness Ugly”?

    Gasoline Alley: Kindness may be contagious, but the incubation period lasts much longer than a bear’s meal.

    Pluggers: Of course Chicken Lady hates polyester. No matter how long you store it, those yummy worms and moths never infest it.

    Mock Travail: Oh, goody. Another exciting week of hearing that Otto has had a change of heart and his henchmen are naughty even at Christmastime. I hope Editorbillellis has brought them all a nice big lump of coal.

  60. Dale
    December 22nd, 2012 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    A ransom situation is not the same as,
    “Honey, I’ve found the perfect bedroom suite. Come down right away with the checkbook.”

    Assuming Bill was able to get $2M together in cash, how did he get it out of the country?
    “Yes. I am taking a lot of money to a Caribbean island. Drugs? That’s insulting and stupid. I’m paying ransom for a friend who was kidnapped by pirates.”

  61. Erich Clapton
    December 22nd, 2012 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#37): . . .and how they got in my pajamas, blah, blah, blah. How did this obvious rejoinder get by the smart people here?

  62. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2012 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    All hail and huzzahs to commodorejohn and the amusing floaters! And the Poteet Asterisk this week goes to Cayuga. Thanks for a good week of funny.

  63. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2012 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    MW — It looks like who Mary really is is a happy drunk. Been hitting that egg nog, Mary?

  64. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2012 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — From what we’ve seen of Lillian, I sure wouldn’t have picked that particular bestseller to put in her stocking. And apparently we readers aren’t supposed to care that she was about to be the victim of an online scam by a fake African doctor awhile back, even though he would probably try to take a lot of her money. Hope you aren’t about to lose your house, Lillian! But Batiuk doesn’t seem to care, so why should we?

  65. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2012 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    GA — That weird-looking little dweeb speaks deer? There are people who would pay him good money for that, maybe enough to cover eye surgery.

  66. commodorejohn
    December 22nd, 2012 at 3:34 am [Reply]

    Wow! I haven’t been on the float in a while, nor COTW in longer still. And to be chosen out of such a crop…I am honored :) Bravo, everyone!

  67. Jamoche
    December 22nd, 2012 at 3:54 am [Reply]

    In California you can get coal from Coalinga, just down the road from Coaling B.

  68. nescio
    December 22nd, 2012 at 6:15 am [Reply]

  69. wanders
    December 22nd, 2012 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    I just want to invite everyone to vote in the fifth annual Worthy Awards at Mary Worth and Me.

  70. CanuckDownSouth
    December 22nd, 2012 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    I’m not aware of hostage ransom conventions, but shouldn’t Trail & Ellis just be at a “toss over the money and we let him hop in your boat” affair rather than a guided tour of the island? Did I miss the etiquette class where they explained that it’s rude to not have a farewell dinner for your hostage?

  71. bad lynn
    December 22nd, 2012 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#40): See, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

  72. gleeb
    December 22nd, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    3-G: Considering some of the people who do make movies and are rightfully acclaimed for it, although you wouldn’t want them in your home, I shudder to think what Greg’s deep dark secret might be.

    ‘shaft: Sure, who doesn’t like to receive a seven-year-old book about Nazis and rape?

    ‘bean: Humbug, n. A willfully false or insincere person. Not really Funky; he’s just a failure. Granny-cheatin’ John, maybe, but certainly not Creepy Les, who’s so sincere he’s hilarious.

    H&L: They have curtains, but just for show.

    Mary: I like to think Mary is busily orbiting John Dill here, spouting off bits of meddle until he submits to her will.

    SD, MD: I think Rex thinks he’s going to be a stripper.

    Dick: Even though the Moon story has begun, they can’t help but delay! I care not for your Christian festivals, get on with it!

    The Meaning of Lila: Lila and her friends are emotion-deadened alcoholics. That’s the meaning.

  73. Baka Gaijin
    December 22nd, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Hey you. Over there. The Saturday post is up.

  74. Dale
    December 22nd, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#70):

    It’s more like, “Toss over the money. Wait while we count it and make sure it’s not fake. Take this big dog before we eat it. Can you get more money?”

    Consider my comment at #60.

  75. dMac
    December 22nd, 2012 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#15):

    My mother used to make these things when we were kids (many more years ago that I even want to think about!). I know she didn’t use coal. I’m almost certain that she just used small rocks and stones she found in the yard. Smooth pebbly ones won’t work – you need to use rough, chunky types; with lots of nooks and crannies. And with all that ammonia, these gardens are kind of toxic; so keep your garden out of reach of small hands. The pix in your link show only blue; mix up the different food colors for best results

  76. sold out after crisis review
    September 3rd, 2013 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    When some one searches for his necessary thing, so he/she desires to be available that in
    detail, therefore that thing is maintained over here.

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