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Metapost-ish: Triumphant return to 2013!

Panel from Spider-Man, 1/1/13

Hello, everyone! I’m back from my voyaging, and having looked at exactly zero comics since December 23rd, so I feel a little like this panel, which I saw gloriously devoid of context just now (as if any panel of Newspaper Spider-Man is improved by “context” or whatever). Real comics and commentary thereupon will arrive sometime Wednesday, maybe late afternoon-ish, as I have a week’s worth of strips to catch up on, but I wanted to put this post up to (a) assure you I was still alive and (b) let you know that you only have a few more days to vote in the most important Mary Worth-themed awards competition of the season, the Worthy Awards, produced by the always excellent Mary Worth and Me blog. Go forth and choose your faves!

I hope you all had pleasant holidays and a happy new year’s celebration! I’m making the same pledge I make every new year on this blog: To keep doing the same thing I’ve been doing for years, because I love it. Hope you do too! See you tomorrow with real comics mockery!

116 responses to “Metapost-ish: Triumphant return to 2013!”

  1. jambo
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    Um what panel are you referring to? I see none.

  2. Sequitur
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh! Hope you’re refreshed and ready to go.

    //Uh, about your liquor cabinet…

  3. Josh
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    @jambo (#1): WHOOPSIE, fixed

  4. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#2): It was the Scudder boy what did it!

  5. Aviatrix
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    For Josh and others afraid to venture into last week’s thread I offer a selection of our discussion topics, focusing first on outstanding questions:

    *Why is Santa Heathcliff spanking the mice?
    *How does the comic book store support two employees?
    *Has Brooke McEldowney entered a new phase of maturbatory cartooning, or has he been this way all along?
    *Do you need an invoice or a receipt to get kidnapping insurance to pay out?

    “Does either Moy or Giella have obsessive-compulsive disorder where in each plotline some fact must be repeated a certain number of times otherwise they’ll be attacked by WOLVES!?”
    – [Zerowolf]

    “The real question is, why is anyone in the Trailiverse talking about human rights? It’s very nice that they’re concerned with our rights, but don’t they have enough problems of their own?”
    – [Droopy]

    “Kraven wondered, too late, if having a famous superhero crushed by an elephant on stage was really the best way to make sure no one asked questions about what happened.”
    – [Gladly, the cross-eyed bear]

    Some questions were answered. We now know all there is to know about vocabulary for describing asses, poetic forms including the double dactyl and clerihew, titles contained in the APEMAN, SPACEMAN anthology, how to escape escaped apostrophes, and use of HTML.

    There was only a little padding to reach the total, and plenty of gems like …

    “Maybe now is the time for my cakes to be seen by a bigger audience.” I’ll take “thought balloons that would be more fun in Rex Morgan, MD” for $400, Alex.”
    – Artist formerly known as Ben

    “I think she said she took the test three times. June may be many things, but she’s at least smart enough to know to pee on a stick.”
    – Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket

    Uncle Lumpy very capably defended us from unwelcome comments, but @driving test adelaide (#1272) taught us that spambots have feelings too.

    Happy New Year, everyone.

  6. AlanofOdenton
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    We missed you Josh!

  7. Beebs
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Thank god you are back… Life is empty without you.

  8. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#4): Snitch! You helped! “Oh I’ve never tried Southern Comfort before. Is it any good?”

  9. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    I feel a little like this panel

    I see your new year’s resolution is to be more open about your Spider-Man bondage kink. I approve of your honesty.

  10. Uncle Lumpy
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Naked Bunny with a Whip (#9):

    But presumably not of his taste.

  11. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#y2013):

    Now… STOP!

    Okay!
    Happy New Thread!

  12. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    I find it delightfully appropriate that the 2012 thread should end with “oops.”

    And welcome back, Josh! That liquor cabinet was empty when Sequitur got there, I promise!

  13. Chareth Cutestory
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    I spent half my “break” insanely busy with the holiday, then laid low with the flu. Can not wait to unleash all my pent up bitterness and snark on the comics!

  14. Larry Fine
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    In a world of turmoil and change, it’s good to know some things are constant, such as Spider-Man getting his ass kicked.

  15. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#5): Gold star. You were certainly paying attention!

  16. bats :[
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

  17. bats :[
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Yeah. Words fail me.
    But welcome back, Josh! Happy 2013 to you and yourn!

  18. Mibbitmaker
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Ah! Freed from the harder-to-type-on comment thread at last!

    Today’s edition of MST3Kwanzaa will be forthcoming…..

  19. Aviatrix
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#17): It’s okay to stop padding now, bats :[

  20. Sequitur
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Whoo-Hoo! On to 200!

  21. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    I feel a little like this panel

    We all do. It’s New Year’s Day.

  22. Baka Gaijin
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#Y1858): Thanks! Your rendition is even funnier than the one in my mind’s eye.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#Y1937): Bacon flavored olive oil? What a wonderful world we live in.

  23. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 1st, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#8): Glug, glug, glug. Ooh, I’d better try this bottle to see if it tastes like the other.

  24. Steve
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    I’m so glad you’re back. I was having these terrible withdrawals. I had to read the comics and make my own funny comments. It…was…terrible.

  25. Jamus The Bartender
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh. Oh, funny thing,(spoiler !! Avert thine eyes ) in the comic books, seems Peter Parker died after switching bodies with Doctor Octopus, and Doc Ock is now Spider Man. And, yes, it’s every bit as weird as it sounds. But I think Peter Parker will still be around in the newspapers to continue to monitor the television for crimes around Manhattan and it’s environs.

  26. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    Should all Curmudgeons leave the net,
    And never come on line?
    Should all Curmudgeons leave the net,
    And squander our group mind?
     
    It’s our group mind, old chum
    It’s our group mind.
    We’ll snark a page of comics now
    With our group mind.

    We’ve crafted verse that still rings true,
    And captioned art you’ll find,
    We’ve crafted cups, and T-shirts too,
    With our group mind.
     
    We’ve skewered soap strips by the hour
    And blasted Walker’s line,
    A fitting use for mental pow’r
    The fruit of our group mind.
     
    We help out when Erato lags
    Our fortunes be entwined
    We offer tips when scansion flags
    From our group mind.
     
    We’ll laugh and josh here, day by day
    Because we’re so inclined,
    And smooth our path the lumpy way
    For our group mind.
     
    For our group mind, old chum
    For our group mind.
    We’ll snark a page of comics now
    With our group mind.

  27. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m off tomorrow to spend some quality time with a large stack of books on a small island beach. If I happen across some ne’er-do-well named Otto, please contact my insurance company (they have ransom insurance for non-tenure-track academics, right?).

  28. Mibbitmaker
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa 12-13
    New Year’s Day

    P1
    CROW (like Bob Hope): “She’s a good little witch, rrrrowrrrrr!”
    SERVO: “This is what Margo Magee wishes she was!”

    P2
    CROW: “Come on baby, and take my hand –”
    MIKE: “C’mon, Crow, no quoting ‘Float On’!”
    CROW (like shrill old crone): “Read my palm, lithe one!”

    P3
    SERVO: “It’s a Pizza Hut.”
    CROW: “I see he has backbone, hee hee hee!”

    P4
    CROW: “Man, is SHE one cynical mamma-jamma!”
    SERVO: “She stole those from Liberace!”
    MIKE: “How ’bout that — Instant Snoopy’s Doghouse interior!”
    SERVO (sarcastic): “Oh, nice one, yahoo! I just loooooove elephants!”
    CROW: “If that’s a hut, it’s a JABBA the Hut!”

    (they leave the theater. Door sequence)

    main part of SoL…

    CROW: Mike, do I look plain?
    MIKE: “No, Crow… why?”
    CROW: “Well, this is the second time one of these Kwanzaa things obsessed with looking plain.”
    MIKE: “Huh. Well, I’m not sure why that is… but I don’t think you look plain.”
    CROW: “Thanks, Mike.”
    MIKE: “I mean, you have… well… too many pointy bits and angles. You look almost… jazzy!”
    CROW: “Yeah, thanks, Mike… I suppose….”
    SERVO (enters): “Whaddabout ME, Mikey?”
    MIKE: “Well….. um……. well, you’re alittle cute, I guess….”
    SERVO: “Yeah, but not plain, right?”
    MIKE: “Well…. yeah, I’m sorry, Tom, but you are alittle….”
    CROW: “YEAH!”
    SERVO: “Yeah?… YEAH?! Well…. well….. CROW, YOU LOOK FREAKIN’ BIZARRE!”
    CROW: “Heeeeeey…!”
    SERVO: Yeah?!… look!”: #[:(l) -[-
    CROW: “Well…. well…. Mike, you’re as nose as the plain on your face!”
    MIKE: “Heeey! …. Look, guys, this Kwanzaa ‘author’ is dividing people by looks! Remember how they judge a woman harshly calling her ‘Ms.’? Don’t let these stories divide us! Let’s just –”

    (Comic Sign)

    MIKE: “… have COMIC SIGN! WE HAVE COMIC SIGN!!!”

    (door sequence)….

  29. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    When worlds collide: Josh tweeted this earlier this evening:

    Greatest hero of tonight’s fiscal cliff showdown: The cameraman who wore this sweet-ass sweater pic.twitter.com/jlfV2Fs3

    (Assuming this is on safe ground because it’s sweater-related, not really politics.) Turns out the cameraman in question is my buddy John, who turned me on to Tintin and Asterix & Obelix way back when!

  30. Sequitur
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    I may not have h\read all the comments in the last thread but I think I got most of them and I don’t remember seeing Cuss Skunk mentioned.

    Er, just a moment, there’s something I need to do…

    Okay, I’m back. You can ignore my comment about Cuss Skunk.

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    How do I “+1″ #28?

  32. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#5): Thanks for the shoutout, Aviatrix.

    And Josh, it is an amazing relief to have you back. Not least because the Internet at my workplace is kinda shaky. I wasn’t looking forward to a screen freeze in the middle of loading a 2500 comment thread.

    And a word of advice since you’re just getting back in the swing of things. If you read Luann be sure to have protective eyewear onhand, and a shot glass of something at least 20 proof.

  33. Mibbitmaker
    January 1st, 2013 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Naked Bunny with a Whip (#31): Well, for one thing, I’d have to type that comment (and the preceding ones from the YesterMonsterThread) on Television without Pity, which would likely just puzzle people on the MST3K thread there.

    Seriously, thanks, Bunny!

  34. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

  35. Uncle Lumpy
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    Oh, my aching head! Where am I? And how come I’m in chains?

    Oh, sorry dear — must’ve dozed off for a minute. I get punished for that, right?

  36. Alice
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#18): And harder to search on. By last night, the page had gotten so lengthy that attempting a Ctrl-F search crashed my Firefox repeatedly. (It still worked in Chrome, for what it’s worth.)

  37. Anonymous
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Aw, darn it, I had some bread all buttered and waiting to spread with toe jam.

    Crazyman & Skunkboy: Okay, how does a tiny comic shop above a pizzeria make enough money to send both of its (technically) adult workers to an unannounced convention? Is the shop closed and not making money, or is it being minded run physically occupied by Asshat and Anonymous?

    Family Circus: No, you’re too far past your “best by” date to be good.

    Mock Travail: Before Andy intervenes, let’s settle this amicably. Split the money. Give a million to Trail and a million to Juan.

    Phantom: I’d stop worrying about the elders and miners and think about that starving, injured lion, Ghost-Who-Turns-His-Back-On-Predators.

    Pluggers: So the chicken lady has an expression beyond her usual lack-of-personality gaze. Maybe she’s ready to move to Shoe.

  38. Droopy Says
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    #37 was me. Who ate my cookies?

  39. ZMiles
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    For the first time ever, today’s Archie (the ‘Department Store Dummies’ ones) made me laugh. I fear for my sanity.

    Welcome back!

  40. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth:
    (catching up on the past couple of days)
    So, Mr. Pistachio Mustachio got into the contest, eh?

    Ain’t that a pip? Mary’s probably beside herself with joy that he can stop squeezing the Charmin, like the Mr. Whipple Look-a-like he is, and start squeezng her with his badass, cake-decorating self!

    Hola! What’s this? Mary is stirring what looks like the glaze for her Elmer’s Glue Sticky Buns? Mmm Mmmm Bleh!

    Waitasec! Hold the phone! It would also behoove you to stop the horses, too!

    Is Mary Worth, the Grand Dame of Charterstone, the envy of the Great Dane of Marmaduke, wearing a monogrammed apron? Who the hell wears something like that? Her cooking can’t be that good that it was a gift. And, even if the apron was a gift, Mary probably sewed the “M” on it.

    Which brings about a Shylock Foxian puzzle. We can presume she has plenty of time on her hands, right? She is making Elmer’s Glue Stick Buns glaze, after all. Is there a chance that there is a macramé man in her closet?

    Hmmmm. Maybe Apt. 3G’s Evan the Golddiggity gold digger who has a Gorton’s Fisherman fetish* can pick her lock, and then check out her closet while she’s having a post-coital snooze** and check out the handicraft competition.***

    * Who among us does not know someone like that?
    **i know, right? i couldn’t believe i went there either but it makes “pick her lock” a double entendre, so i had ta go there!
    *** considering how one-dimensional Evan is, “competition” might be a fair word. Though, it is just a silly aside as the character isn’t a part of the “Mary Worth Universe”. And, we all know that that universe’s god does meddle in the affairs of mortals. Consider this to be Worthian Meddleism and the antithesis of Epicureanism.

  41. Aviatrix
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#40): Here’s how the storyline goes:
    During the cake design playdowns, Mary meddles Dill so hard that he tells her to @%&96^ off and make her own cake. Mary does, but Dill’s cake wins easily, knocking Mary’s out in the quarter finals. Mary’s being criticized for being too prim and predictable. Mary pretends to be happy about it, but she’s really seething, and sabotages Dill in the semi-finals. He manages to get through, but then has to come crawling back to Mary for help in the final, and the winning cake is served up at the final pool party.

  42. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh! Lucky you, to be able to read the last week of exciting cake-decorating MW strips in one fell swoop!

  43. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#41):

    hmmm. That seems plausible.

  44. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#5): Thanks for the recap! (An’ I’m not just sayin’ that because I’m in it. ;) )

  45. Inkwell
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    Yay, Josh is back! Now I can go back to exercising my unhealthy crush on the comics fandom’s epic yet married blogger!

    (cries)

  46. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    Words o’ Wisdomizin’ by Mistopher Trendy

    The difference twixt a bad economy an’ a good economy is in a bad economy we hillfolks makes a mess o’ hillfolk jokes about jus’ how bad it tis!

    While in a good economy, we jus’ make fun o’ how we don’ really do too much of anything whatsoever! We jus’ lollygag about and wait til the rest o’ everybody catch up wif us ‘round the time o’ the next recession!

    Huh! I guess it seems like thars no difference a-tall. Maybe it’s cuz in Hootin Holler we made of a different stock from most. Mostly stolen chicken stock! Hyuck! Hyuck!

  47. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#46):
    Hmm. (i hate to re-read something as if i didn’t write it but….)

    Upon re-reading this, that is pretty much an acerbic satirical take on how Rose chooses to make bad economy jokes. In seriousness, no one in Hootin Holler suffers, they are all “equally poor”– to borrow a phrase.

    So, to introduce the Economy into that picture is rather ridiculous. It would be like introducing “winter blues” into Funky Winkerbean. There’s no need to introduce it, some form of it is always present, 365 days a year.

  48. Dale
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:36 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#5):

    Several of many MARK TRAIL questions:

    > How and why did Bill show up where Mark is being held rather than the fishing/capture spot where he was supposed to go?

    > Is there really money in the bag? Bill actually knew the pirates wouldn’t check as soon as he arrived or Bill is as stupid as they are?

  49. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:43 am [Reply]

    GA — There are a number of comic-strip worlds that I would not care to visit, but GA is the one in my nightmares.

  50. Droopy Says
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:21 am [Reply]

    Luann: TJ is back with his recording of Ann Eiffel saying she “cons smart” and his plan to have management fire her over this. In a just world, management would hear this, promote her for being an aggressive saleswoman, then take TJ to court for attempted blackmail, leading to a deeper investigation that has the disgusting creep sent to prison for life. Either that or someone would repeatedly bash him in the mouth with a Louisville Slugger, reducing his teeth to jagged stumps amid blood and shattered bone. So my resolution for 2013 is to never again look at this worthless, ugly, fucked-up excuse of a comic strip, because hackwork like this shouldn’t arouse such violent urges.

    But if somebody does work him over with a baseball bat, let me know, okay?

  51. John C Fremont
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:36 am [Reply]

    Hey, bird, you’re in the wrong strip. Scott Fowler is over at Gil Thorp.

  52. gleeb
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    Welcome back.

    3-G: New York is a friendly town, where people are in and out of each others’ apartments all the time. I see no bad result of Evan’s breaking and entering.

    ‘bean: So, for all his Winkerbeaning over how serious comix are, we can see his true feelings about the most dedicated and economically important supporters of the medium.

    Curtis: Yup, singing antelope and orangutans on fire are just taken in stride.

  53. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Man I was also hoping to steal some of Margo’s panties.”

    FC-Jeffy wants to be a bad boy who gets a spanking.

    Sally Forth-”A burglar has frozen to death on our porch!”

    Gil Thorp-Like someone who isn’t blonde or is of another skin color.

    JP-Sadly he didn’t check hard enough and you guys are in steerage.

    MW-”And not the money I bribed them with to like your giant hideous pink creation. ”

    MT-”What about the time that you kidnapped me and in order to win my freedom I would have to catch a bigger fish than you but you actually wanted to kill by dunking me into shark infested waters but it was you that fell in and I had to save you.”

    Love Is-Or sneaking back in.

  54. Ned Ryerson
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth
    to his folly .

    Albert Camus

  55. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#50): Re: Luann

    The other noxious plot lines this strip uses – Gunther’s disfunction, Luann’s non-relationships, ‘Tiffany – what a bitch!’, etc. – don’t really register except in an exasperated “Come on, that girl is clearly her daughter!” sense. But this “TJ persecutes Ann” stuff inspires the same reaction in me as it does with you.

    Even if we assume that there is an autobiographical basis for the way the story has developed, there was still a lot of leeway for how it would be presented. He could have shown Ann actually being a bad boss. He could have had her caught in some kind of actual malfeasance. Instead, we have been show Brad goofing off, seen his girlfirend come in to the store and physically threaten his boss, seen TJ teaching Ann how he scams the customers, and seen (and heard, over and over and over) the ‘evidence’ he was able to gather. And now we are apparently heading to the denouement, where Ann resigns in disgrace before she is fired over an out-of-context tape recording of her saying (sing along if you like!) “I con. But I con smart. This is Ann Eiffel.”

    Maybe the fact that Greg seemed to feel that he needed that coda in which she identifies herself that pushes it over the top. If I was at Weenie World Corporate … well, I would kill myself. But, as my second act, I would ask this grinning freak “Why would she say that at the end? This sounds like something an impersonator would say to try to incriminate her. And even if it is her, I have no idea what she is talking about. Maybe she cons her boyfriend? Or her ex-husband? Why should I care, given that she has quadrupled sales since she started? And why are you pleasuring yourself while you listen to the tape! Stop grinning like that!”

  56. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Luann-Yay! We are back to the story where TJ is going blackmail Ann and try to fire her for doing the same sort of things he has done. I can’t get enough of this smug hypocrite.

  57. Mibbitmaker
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Curtis: (MST3K parody continues shortly…)

    BBlues: Are we supposed to be judging the kids on this one? Really?!

    9CL: The whole strip from the Shark Jump must’ve been a terrible nightmare! (fingers crossed)

    Lockhorns: Loretta understands resolutions like Mary Worth understands interventions!

    NS: Danea, meet Loretta Lockhorn. Loretta, Danae…

    JP: Uh…. Ms. Yahna…..?

    Luann: More like hate/hate.

    MT: Otto’s being SO selfish!

    Glibporn: “Little thing”? EW, ICK! ICK![/Radar]

    S-M:
    The elephant: “Awww, no fair! Garfield gets to squash spiders! I don’t get to do anything!”

  58. S. Stout
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Luann: The greatest collection of stories that would never happen in real life.

    Myth: Recording your boss saying something with no context will get that person fired.
    Reality: Not only will you be fired, you might be sued for blackmail.

    Myth: Knitting costumes and being scared to talk to girls will get the hot girl in school attracted to you.
    Reality: Life is going to be very difficult for you.

    Myth: It’s completely normal to make out with your computer on New Year’s.
    Reality: You’re officially more pathetic than Gunther.

    Myth: Being a potato-headed moron will get you the hot town slut.
    Reality: Possibly, but only if you’re a sugar daddy. Don’t be surprised when her kid from another man appears.

    Myth: Good looking, ambitious girls are evil villains (Tiffany) and hated by everyone.
    Reality: While they may be hated by some, they will be the most popular girls in school. Many will continue to use their looks and ambition to succeed in the business world after school.

  59. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – I’ll just assume that Brooke has an entire notebook titled “Witty banter for use in a situation where a male has flown through the air and accidentally landed in a vagina”. I just hope that notebook was mostly used up for the 9CL arc this fall, and that this will therefore only go on for a few more weeks. Plus, I assume that most of the pages in that notebook are already stuck together.

  60. Anonymous
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Get back to work, slacker.

  61. Mibbitmaker
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    HotC: The creepiest “realistic” 3-fingers-and-a-thumb cartoon hand close-up since the mailman in ‘The Great Piggybank Robbery’!

  62. seismic-2
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    A3G: Damn, didn’t that lady from down the hall with the taser move to Florida? We need her vigilantism, now!

    JP: We are all accustomed to seeing impressive anatomy in this strip, but would you get a load of Katherine’s… neck??? Alan looks as though he is being threatened by a hostile giraffe, which perhaps explains why one of the richest and most influential men anywhere would so willingly accept that bowl full of Mary Worth-style potato lumps as his breakfast.

    A&J: And speaking of impressive anatomy – the Parker-verse clearly has a major rival here. I mean, how thick is that housecoat???

    Pibgorn: A pun??? Oh Brooke, how could you so thoroughly debase yourself as to sink to such a plebeian verbal construction? Oh right, Shakespeare used puns, as I’m sure you will point out in the extended annotations when this story arc is reprinted, just as you pointed out all the “Mozart and me” similarities in last year’s reprinted story line.

  63. Gerry
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Kudos to the Spiderman authors for capturing the essence of waking up on New Year’s Day, anyway.

  64. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#53): ”And not the money I bribed them with to like your giant hideous pink creation. ” – another line that would fit just as well in RMMD.

  65. Mibbitmaker
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa 12-13 1/2/13

    (entering theater)

    CROW: “Hey, I kinda like looking ‘jazzy’ — SHOOBADOOBADOOBY-POW!”

    P1
    MIKE: “And the bright-red fire orangutan pointed — IN THE COURT OF THE CRIMSON KING –”
    CROW (overlapping “King”): “AHH AHH AHH….”
    SERVO: “This is vaguely unsettling, guys! Next panel, NEXT PANEL!”

    P2
    MIKE (announcer): “Last time on ‘Love in the Age of Magic’…..”
    CROW: “‘……and I have this yellow armband to remind me! So THERE!’”

    P3
    SERVO: “Guys, when did the Mads slip us some LSD?”
    MIKE: “Omigod, I see it, too!”
    CROW: “I’m scared!”
    MIKE: “‘This is definately weird, Diane!’”
    CROW: “Not a bad novelty act, though.”
    SERVO: “The problem with the Greek chorus here was the question of whether there even are antelopes in Greece.”

    P4
    ALL: “YAUGH!”
    MIKE: “I think more than just her expression changed there!”
    SERVO: “Plain, hell! That’s downright UGLY!”
    CROW (Redd Foxx): “Elizabeth! I’m comin’ t’ join ya, honey!”
    SERVO: “So, the choice is go with Witchypoo there and leave Edidna, or not be with Edidna?
    CROW: “Hell, someone separated Yahna from her syntax!”

  66. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MT: Not that I’m an expert on this sort of thing, but it would be handy for Juan if he had a handgun about now. If you’re threatening somebody while handling a duffel bag you want something you can fire with one hand.

    Ziggy: Ziggy gives belated but fervent approval to Dick Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine.

    Crock: How long did one Rechin or another have to find out what an actual boombox-as-in-portable-radio looks like? Not long enough, obviously. If that thing showed up in the ghetto, the ghetto would know it was about to get blasted.

    9CL: From what I recall, Amos and Edda agreed that they wouldn’t do the nas-tay anymore until they were lawfully wed. Luckily for Edda Amos is really stupid and can’t tell dreams from reality.

    RMMD: “Everybody wants to meet the inventor of CPR. Did you really tell reporters it stands for Cool Physician Rex?”

    H&L: The garbagemen are only figuring out now that the Flagstons are lame?

    DT: Staton is allowed to draw gunfire, but not wounds. This creates the impression that someone told Willa Scarlet to play dead and she’s taking it really seriously.

    DtM: Dennis stares at Mr. Wilson with abject pity, and not without reason.

    Luann: Oh joy, straight from Luann making out with her laptop to TJ’s “It’s Only Okay When I Do It Theatre.”

    M-Dawg: No Phil, the actual translation is “so sorry for the dump I just took in the back seat.”

    H-Cliff: “I really wish my husband wouldn’t tell everybody he’s pussy-whipped. They always think I have something to do with it.”

    SFx: Pork being the most popular meat in the world, the goat was hoping to try some today. The big rock he sent rolling down the hill only managed to feed them a couple of apples, but one day his scheme will work.

    A3G: I hope Margo catches Evan breaking in and takes out a restraining order. The kind that restrains him from breathing.

  67. TheDiva
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh! I saved the last candy cane for you!

    9CL: The Burbers have twisted mind-manipulation powers? This actually explains a lot.

    A3G: “Breaking and entering to leave a mysterious package! There’s no way this gesture could be misconstrued!”

    C’shaft: Only in the Funkyverse could lying back-to-back with the minimum of physical contact be considered “cuddling.”

    Curtis: Flaming orangutans (great band name), singing antelope, and special guest villain Lon Chaney? Now that’s the kind of Kwanzaa Krazy I know and love!

    FW: Thank God Batiuk doesn’t know about female geeks, or we might have seen his attempt at the Leia bikini.

    Luann: Oh goody, back to the REALLY hateful arc.

    MW: “I’m whipping up a batch of my secret-recipe boiling water even as we speak!”

    Pibgorn: A pun which depends mainly on spelling differences isn’t a good verbal pun. I’m just saying.

    SM: Well, if there’s one thing Spidey is good at, it’s avoiding things.

  68. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#54): Goodnight Mrs Calabash, wherever you are.

    ~Albert “the Schnozz” Camus

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#50): I’d do it myself, but I have the disadvantage of not being two- one-dimensional.

  70. Red Greenback
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (AKA Droopy Says) (#37): “Give a million to Trail and a million to Juan.”
    I like those odds!

  71. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    PibGpr0n: *rage*

    Frazz: well done. Calvinesque, but still well done.

    A&J: PERK! *gigglez*

    LaCuc: ayup, that’s pretty much how I roll as well.

    Lio: win. with Predators.

    Luann: /doublefacepalm @ teh stupid.

    Crank: this would be heartwarming and d’awwwwsome in other hands.

    SBp: *snurk* well done.

    JUMBLE: Stephan King story is three words. :-(

    PMP: says that “needs a sammich” girl.

    6Cx: eye protection is important, kids!

    SFx: GOAT!

    SF: Jon, innit? *sigh* I still ship Faye/Hil.

  72. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .morning wood.

  73. otis
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#56): If you love smug hypocrites, may I direct your attention to a charming little strip called Funky Winkerbean. Maybe someday we can get a cross-over smug-off between Les and TJ.

  74. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    GT — So, what happens when the peacock/Jay-Bird/spirit of his dead brother gets run over by a car?

  75. Oregonian
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    I just don’t understand why “green glop in a box” didn’t qualify for the Outstanding Prop of 2012 competition. Life is brutal.

  76. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    in honor of Mutts.

    eco-messege brought to you by True Fable.

    Bunacles.

    Baka Gaijin warned us about this. NSFBG!

    a member of the Didactic Duo on Opposite Earth.

    Maternal molluscan moment for Poteet.

    otter boop!

    The Power of Corgi eyes.

  77. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    a minute and a half of corgies trying to hover.

    *gigglez*

  78. tb4000
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I have been waiting with anticipation to use this line…..Don’t trust the B in Apartment 3G.

  79. James
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    “Oh, my aching head! Where am I – and how come I’m in chains?”

    What is something I NEVER want to hear Mary Worth ask.

  80. greghousesgf
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#67): Flaming Orangutangs as a band would have to be a combination between the Flaming Lips and the Gorillaz.

  81. Mr. O’Malley
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: They don’t have orangutans in Africa, so if this was supposed to be an African folktale, there is a problem.

  82. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#81): Ooh, I know I do too many Python references as it is but:
    “A tiger? In Africa?”
    “Well, it could have escaped from a zoo.”
    “Doesn’t seem very likely.”

  83. James
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#82):

    BURMA!
    Why did you say Burma?
    I panicked.

  84. Devil in the Drain
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#5): Welcome back! Thanks for distilling a week’s worth of funniness, also, miss you on your blog but good to see you here, and I hope you keep having fun with your very busy life!

  85. Calico
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @James (#79):
    Or Dr. Jeff Corey.

  86. Calico
    January 2nd, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#75):
    I thought the same thing – it looks like moldy Mammi that’s been sitting around for the last 5 years. Yum.

  87. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    RMMD-Everyone wants to meet a doctor who can actually save lives instead of turning away people and letting them die like the doctors do here.

  88. Calico
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#53):
    I’m fascinated by this apparent new Bromance between Mark and Otto. Maybe Otto can return to LoFo with Mark, and they can go fishing without Rusty.

  89. Majicou
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    Curtis:

    Take my love, take my land
    Take me where I cannot stand this comic
    Wait, I’m already there.

  90. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Mark is the only man who was able to look past the kidnapping, murder and brutality and see the goodness buried deep in Otto’s heart.

  91. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    We know that bad lynn left us at the end of last year, but we haven’t seen regular lynn either. I hope that bad lynn doesn’t have her tied up somewhere!

  92. Alter Ego
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    love is… sneaking out to see the mistress.

  93. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#89): Did you notice the resemblance between Ms. Yahna and the red orangutans? I did.

  94. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps we can set a record for least number of posts. But substantial!

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Pickles: “Mark Twain said the two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.”

    No. He. Didn’t. Yet another bogus quote from brainyquotes, and sites that copy it.

    // We at CC know, however, it was Albert Camus.

  96. Calico
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#90):
    And so Brokeback Island was born.

  97. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#94): What a lovely ‘nym! How ever did you come up with it?

    // She was a character in one of Albert Camus’s plays, right?

  98. Peanut Gallery
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, @Mr. O’Malley: Now I have you and a number of other mudgeons to thank, for prompting me to finally get around to reading Flann O’Brien’s The Third Policeman. It had been on my list of books-to-read-someday for years. For everyone else’s benefit, just imagine Alice in Wonderland as written by Samuel Beckett.

  99. Downpuppy
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#93): Not the orangs, but turn her green & she is Mojo Jojo. That is to say, she is a brown version of Mojo Jojo. Mojo Jojo is an enemy of the Powerpuff Girls….

    Sorry. Every time I use That Name, repetition kicks in.

  100. Anonymous
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

  101. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#97): It is the name my father, Moros Pygea, gave me.

  102. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#100): Should that not be “- 1″ ?

  103. Anonymous
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#102):

    Only in an alternative universe.

  104. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#98): It’s good, isn’t it? I shall never think of bicycles as I did before. I found a copy at my local public library. They were supposed to have a copy of of At Swim-Two-Birds, too. I had it on hold for a couple of months, but it never came in. After some strong hints on my part to Mrs. Scudder, Santa, or someone very like him, gave me O’Brien’s Complete Novels, in a nice new Everyman’s Library hardback edition, for Christmas. I just started At Swim.

    // Good as Albert Camus is, I’m sure some of his insights came from a close study of De Selby.

  105. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#98):

    For everyone else’s benefit, just imagine Alice in Wonderland as written by Samuel Beckett.

    Based on my reading of the novel I’d say that’s a very apt description.

    (SEE Samuel Beckett’s new Alice in Wonderland play, “Waiting for Cheshire”!)

  106. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#101): You come from a distinguished family. I’ve always admired Cally’s good looks. Your cousin, isn’t she?

  107. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#62): @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#59): It’s hard to avoid the suspicion that this whole story was concocted in order to use that pun, isn’t it?

  108. Baka Gaijin
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman may have been more sprightly had he not a huge red tick on his back. That’s a tick, isn’t it?

  109. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#66): 9CL: Ah, yes, breaking into your fiancé’s apartment, crawling into their bed naked while they sleep, and gaslighting them later into believing that it was all a dream… such a healthy foundation for a relationship!

    Seriously, this is like a whole string of red flags.

    //Once again, I am struck with the desire to force a comic strip character (or better yet, the cartoonist) to sit down with the full archive of Captain Awkward’s advice column in the hopes of getting a clue in there somehow.

  110. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#76): NSFBG? That’s not safe for anyone!

  111. Mr. O’Malley
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104): You have a fine lot of reading in store.

    The Plain People of Ireland: Did ye get the collected Irish Times columns (The Best of Myles)? Begob, here’s my bus.

  112. exapno
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

  113. Shrug, Going th Extra Myles
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104):

    The other novels are well worth reading, of course, but I think THE THIRD POLICEMAN is much the best of them. But I also highly recommend his essay/journalism work, as reprinted in THE BEST OF MYLES and other volumes.

  114. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#111): Just the novels: At Swim, 3rd P, Poor Mouth (trans.), Hard Life, and Dalkey Archive.

    That’ll hold me for a bit.

  115. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Going th Extra Myles (#113): Odd, isn’t it, that the 3rd Policeman was rejected by publishers in 1940, and was only printed a year after O’Brien’s death in ’66?

    Yet most critics seem to agree with you, that it is his best work.

  116. Da Coconino Kid
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

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