Archive: Spider-Man

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Spider-Man, 12/11/17

Oh, hey, remember how MJ was on the verge of being falling victim to the various reptiles that live in the Everglades? The normal ones, not people turned into lizards because they’re trying to grow their arms back or whatever. Anyway, she’s been rescued by … this rugged khaki-clad outdoorsman! Once again my extreme disinterest in Marvel comics leaves me blissfully unaware of who this guy is, which makes it fun for me to speculate. Is he a new character created for this Newspaper Spider-Man storyline? Or is he one of Marvel’s deep bench of third-tier superheroes and/or villains, with a name like … Swamp Fellow, or Reptile Fighter, or the Vigilante Park Ranger, or Our Lawyers Assure Us He Doesn’t Infringe Upon Steve Irwin’s Life Rights Man? Whatever the case, he’s sure to get his own Marvel Cinematic Universe movie or at least a Netflix series by 2021!

Slylock Fox, 12/11/17

“…and you, Shady, are using latex paint!” Slylock proclaimed. “Anyone who knows basic chemistry would know you were the culprit! I arrest you in the name of forest environmental law!” The detective was so busy feeling smug that he barely noticed the frog collapse quietly in the the grass, the rubber paint having thoroughly coated his permeable, breathing skin.

Six Chix, 12/11/17

I have to give a shout-out to Six Chix for simultaneously and largely successfully going two different directions with this joke: imagining the “rat race” in terms of adorable rats with tiny medals and little tank tops, and painting us a picture of a surging, seething mass of rodents, just a nightmarish rat flood that cannot be stopped or escaped.

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Spider-Man, 12/4/17

Guys, I’m gonna be blunt: I don’t think the Newspaper Spider-Man comic strip has a real solid sense of how “science” works. Like, I’m no biologist with a speciality in limbs myself, but I imagine Dr. Connors would be analyzing the genetic mechanisms that control limb regrowth in species like geckos, or maybe studying how limbs grow in embryos, say, then forming hypotheses about how those processes could be reproduced in an adult human. But, no, he apparently just brought a big cardboard box of bottles out to his swamp-lab. “One of them will help restore my lost arm! Vinegar? Liquid-Plumr? Pesto? I won’t stop guzzling down whatever’s in these bottles until my arm grows back!”

Blondie, 12/4/17

As we all know, Dagwood and Blondie spend most of their time sitting in the same room facing away from each other. They’re doing a little experiment to try to restore some emotional intimacy to their everyday lives by sharing the same piece of furniture, and it is not going well.

Dick Tracy, 12/4/17

We’re launching into a new Dick Tracy storyline this week, and it begins with Sam and Dick grousing about how they’re always at the beck and call of Diet Smith, wealthy inventor and supplier of cool cop gear, just because he’s rich. Sure, it’s fun to be a policeman and decide who lives and who dies, but our heroes are getting sick of being tools of capital. But will there still be a need for brutal police violence after the revolution? Don’t worry, boys: according to all of human history, yes!

Dennis the Menace, 12/4/17

Is this even … is there some menace happening here? This is just Henry leering at cheerleaders on TV. Not really sure if he’s watching Bring It On or the College Cheerleading Championship on ESPN, but the point is that daddy’s horny and Dennis knows it and he’s telling his mom about it. I guess the real question is, is there anything that isn’t menacing happening here? Even Ruff looks to be in a heightened state of unnatural arousal.

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Spider-Man, 12/2/17

Wait, so Peter Parker knows Dr. Connors is The Lizard, but Dr. Connors doesn’t know that Peter Parker is Spider-Man? That’s what I’m assuming from Peter coyly saying he’s developed different interests since his days as Dr. Connors’ lab flunky while thought-ballooning about his own super-heroics. If Connors is truly in the dark, then he’s just seeing Peter smirking and not following up on his obvious hint, and probably is thinking “gee, what a dipshit,” just like I do three out of every four times I read this comic.

Anyway, this seems like an unfair power imbalance! Whenever anyone’s embarking on a dangerous journey of self-experimentation, he should have all the facts about his lab assistant available to him! FOR INSTANCE, if he knew that he was being assisted not just by some dork who strings for a New York tabloid but by a man with enhanced strength and combat abilities who could defeat and contain, say, a giant, angry, rampaging reptile, he might err a little more on the side of “OK maybe this new formula will turn me into a lizard like the last one did, but there’s only like a one in three chance, so let’s give it a shot.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/17

Right, so, as many predicted, it turns out that bad-ass art forger guy is Rene, Sarah’s erstwhile art teacher. As the dragnet closes in around him, what has he got to say for himself?

YOUR CONCEPT OF ORIGINALITY IS HOPELESSLY OUTDATED, MAN

THIS IS AN “EVERYTHING IS A REMIX” CULTURE

I’M TRANSFORMING YOUR ORIGINAL CONTENT WITH IRONY AND RECONTEXTUALIZATION IN WAYS YOUR FEEBLE MIND COULDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND

AND I’M MAKING MAD BANK DOING IT TOO

HELPING THAT CHICK TORTURE HER NERD EX-HUSBAND IN THE PROCESS WAS JUST A BONUS

Ha ha! That Belluso kid, he’s plays by his own rules!

Pluggers, 12/2/17

Pluggers used to be into sex, but now the best they can expect from their failing physical form is the ability to maintain a stable train of thought for more than a few minutes at a time.