Archive: Spider-Man

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Spider-Man, 8/20/17

One of the great running gags of superhero comics is that it should be much, much easier for in-universe characters to figure out a superhero’s secret identity than it ever turns out to be. There are a host of reasons why the “secret” is always obvious — they’re never in the same place at the same time, their voices are identical, people look more or less the same whether they’re wearing glasses or not, etc. — but in our current case, it’s because Spider-Man and Peter Parker are pretty much the exact same kind of dick. Like, if my wizened aunt was about to finally wed her longtime beau and a giant tentacle erupted form the earth to attack the wedding party, I might be more inclined to shout “run!” or “oh no!” rather than “whoa, déjà vu much???” But that’s just how Peter Parker and Spider-Man play it.

Meanwhile, speaking of dicks, I had assumed last week that Tyrannus was shushing his army of fetish-gimps as they prepared to board some form of burrowing transport and head for the earth’s surface for wedding-ruining and subsequent conquest. But nope, it turns out this is all being down remotely, and he just wanted an audience as he gloated and pulled the big lever marked “TENTACLE.”

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/20/17

This throwaway-panel scene from Hootin’ Holler reminds all of us flatlanders that we should appreciate our infrastructure privilege.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/13/17

Oh my God, somehow I just now remembered that June and Rex’s pal/former household employee Heather is agonizing over the fact that her agèd, Alzheimer’s-afflicted millionaire husband is in no shape to father the baby she’s always wanted! When last we heard from her, more than a year and a half ago, June was broadly hinting that Heather knows how sex works so Heather should probably just do sex with someone and get pregnant that way. I largely forgot about this because it was a plotline from the substantially wackier Woody Wilson era of the strip, and most of those got dropped when Terry Beatty took over writing duties on the strip. But now! An adorable little baby has just fallen right into June’s lap, and surely she won’t neglect to reward Heather for her years of faithful service. The only question is: will June actually tell her desperate childhood friend that she’ll be fobbing her orphaned son off onto a gold-digging white-collar criminal who lives with her agitated and demented husband in a drafty castle in England somewhere? Or will she just wait for her friend to drop dead and then put little Johnny in the mail?

Family Circus, 8/13/17

You know, the Keane house is really a character in today’s strip! Specifically, it’s like some huge, sedentary beast, its maw open and ready to feed, and Big Daddy Keane is responsible for its excretory processes.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/13/17

“Tearin’ off chunks of my flesh to devour, and I’m still capable of feelin’ everythin’! It’s a nightmare from which there’d be no escape!”

Spider-Man, 8/13/17

So, just to emphasize here: an immortal supervillain is leading an army of awful subterranean monsters to the Earth’s surface … to ruin a wedding, and the monsters have to be quiet, because otherwise they’ll wake up his wife, who loves weddings. I take back every mean thing I ever said about Newspaper Spider-Man. This is literally the greatest comic ever made.

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Spider-Man, 8/11/17

Oh, man, looks like we’re about to learn what the most powerful force in the Newspaper Spideyverse is. It’s definitely not various relative attributes of a spider, that’s for sure! Nope, it’s love, which has transformed our Plutonian tyrant into a sweet suitor for a kindly widow. The question is: will it do the same for his successor? Sadly, no! An tyrant with a healthy relationship with his bride would talk through their differences, and see if there’s a way for them reconcile her sentimental affection for weddings with his need to ruthlessly smash every aspect of the former regime to cement his power. Crossing your fingers is for nine-year-olds, dude, not eternal undead Roman emperors who are [checks wikipedia] probably around 1560 years old but nobody’s sure because our sources for the Latin west in the late 5th century are pretty spotty!

Hagar the Horrible, 8/11/17

Oh, this is a nice touch: today would’ve been Hagar the Horrible creator Dik Brown’s 100th birthday, so his son, current artist Chris Brown, has put a portrait of him on the wall of Hagar’s hut! (Here’s a pretty great picture of him.) Unfortunately, the colorist doesn’t really seem to have a handle on what’s going on with Dik’s beard, so he looks like he’s covered in gravy.

Mark Trail, 8/11/17

Uh, guys? I know we’re all doing a lot of posturing about who guessed who’s identity and everything, but, uh, have you considered not standing out there in the freezing rain? Your skin is an unhealthy shade of blue. Maybe seek some shelter, see if you can light a fire … guys? Guys?

Mary Worth, 8/11/17

Sheesh indeed, Jared! It’s like you can pull out as much charm as you want with a girl and she still thinks it’s OK to make eye contact with other men???? I personally blame feminism for this!

Family Circus, 8/11/17

Oh no, who let Billy know about the devil’s metric system