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Why do the Keane Kids hate America?

Family Circus, 7/4/08

232 years ago today, the leaders of the British colonies on the east coast of the American continent took a fateful step, authorizing a Declaration of Independence that would make their fractious home states into a new nation. If the corpses of the men who had been present that day in Philadelphia were revived through some sort of voodoo magic, what would they think of the country they had made? If “pleasure” was an emotion that could penetrate into their monstrous undead souls, they would probably be pleased that their descendants were spending the day goofing off from work, eating huge quantities of meat, and firing off weapons-grade munitions (or, in some places, actual weapons).

But if their mouldering, skeletal fingers were to turn to the funny pages, their empty eye sockets would come to rest on today’s Family Circus, and then their rotting, unbeating hearts would be filled with the one feeling we all know to be possible for zombies: rage. Because the flag is there, and the notes are there, but shouldn’t Dolly be adorably mangling our national anthem (“And the rock heads will blare/ The mom’s purse strings are there”) or some other patriotic ditty (“For space and skies/ For Pam’s full plate of grain”), and not some pestilent tune about picking up male prostitutes on the Jersey seashore or whatever the hell it is she’s singing? What I’m trying to say is, if you see a shuffling mob of undead patriots in moldy powdered wigs attempting to eat the brains of the degenerates who currently live in the country they started, don’t come crying to me.

Apartment 3-G, 7/4/08

I suppose Gabriella is fainting because, as an ethnic, she’s tuned into the spirit world and can thus detect the ghostly/demonic presence that lingers over Lu Ann’s paintings. But I’m hoping that she stumbled on to Alan’s stash.

84 responses to “Why do the Keane Kids hate America?”

  1. Uncle Lumpy
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and a Glorious Fourth to you too, Josh!

  2. ScienceGiant
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    The Keane Kids are American? I dunno, I thought they lived in the City of God. Or a LDS compound. Something…

  3. not track 5, not chainsaw juggling
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: A wider course of antibiotics? Dr. Jeff, you medical maverick, you! Let’s not get too hasty there! What really sucks about all this is that with Mary out of the picture, Jeff is reduced to telling long, overblown stories with no real point by himself.

    MG&G: Swing and a miss. Everyone knows that Spidey watches TV, not listens to police scanners.

    Happy Fourth, everyone!

  4. Isaac
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    Ah, the fourth of July. Not only important for our nation’s independence, but important because of the wonderful Twilight Zone marathon Sci Fi runs.
    Small typo in today’s post, Josh. It’s more than a “feelong.”
    I tried to think of a funny way to point it out, but everything just seemed anal retentive. So I took it straight.

    Anyway, happy Fourth.

  5. Windier E. Megatons
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Gabriella really started fainting when Margo used her powers to teleport across the room. Jack, meanwhile, clearly doesn’t know Margo very well at all. “Help you? Yeah, look, unless her sweater’s green because it’s actually made of money, I’m going to deal with the paintings here, thanks. Don’t let our flirtation make you think I have any interest in real human compassion – you want that crap, see if Alan will rent you Lu Ann for the hour.”

  6. NotPigeon
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’d make a joke about Margo’s mom and gay sex, but that’d be wrong. Do we really need to make some cheap innuendo out of any word in the funnies that just may have some kind of sexual connotations?
    … Oh, right. I forgot. In that case, ha ha! Limp.

  7. Talking Squirrel
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Someone better page Dr. Rex stat! Margo is clearly more concerned about the welfare of her daubs, and Jack certainly isn’t equipped to help Gabrielle because he’s never figured out what to do when HE goes limp.

    Spidey: Someone better page Dr. Rex stat! The webslinger’s naggingly persistent “flu” is starting to smell a whole lot more like another Alphabet Disease … AIDS.

    MT: Someone better page Dr. Rex AND a veterinarian stat! The third panel makes clear that during the interval between yesterday’s and today’s episodes, aliens from a black dwarf solar system flew by and turned their De-Minimus ray on Kelly Welly and Cherry Werry. Mossy Bossy cleverly dodged their fate by diving up his mule’s ass, but now finds himself trapped by an unrelenting sphincter spasm.

  8. John C Fremont
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    # 4 – Curses upon you, Isaac! You made me look up lyrics to a Boston song! (I could have sworn the line “Rocking and reeling” was in there. Curses upon you, Boston!)

    # 263 bats :[ – As I was waiting for your link to open (my computer is very, very slow) I was so hoping you were going to have Dolly singing “Highway to Hell.” Your idea was better, though.

  9. Josh
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    #4 Isaac –

    Ooops, fixed!

    Josh

  10. Cheeky Wee Monkeys
    July 4th, 2008 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    Yes Independence Day! Where you let you five-year-old run free in Atlantic City.

    …that’s how it goes, right? I’m not American, so I can only learn your customs by reading comics.

  11. BigDave
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    #7 – Talking Squirrel – “Mossy Bossy cleverly dodged their fate by diving up his mule’s ass, but now finds himself trapped by an unrelenting sphincter spasm.”

    Shouldn’t that be ‘sphincter wincter’?

  12. AlphabetFish
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    I really, honestly, don’t understand Family Circus. What song IS that?? Is it supposed to be ironic that she’s singing a non-patriotic song on Independence Day? IS that a patriotic song and I just don’t recognize it?

    Help!

  13. Maggie Marvel
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    I demand a movie about the zombified Founding Fathers. And Mary Wollstonecraft, too. That’d be totally the greatest movie ever. I mean, who would fight the Founding Fathers?

  14. MustacheMike
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    I swear that flag was added in at the last moment. It doesn’t fit the style of the rest of the comic.

  15. Donald The Anarchist
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G I dunno. Call me crazy, but Gabriella’s always seemed pretty appealing, compared to Margo anyways (which is sort of like saying that pineapples aren’t as astringent as limes). Are we suposed to feel bad for Jack? He’s got the Kim Catrall of the comics pages in his arms, and all he can think about is his own inconvenience! BOOOOOhoooohoooo!!!

  16. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    13: George III.

  17. Benjamin Baxter
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    If Margo’s mom is anything like her daughter, then the faint was a transparent ploy to land in the arms of Mr. Jack Rush.

  18. bats :[
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    16. I.G.: Vampire George III.

    And just remember, folks…if your holiday plans haven’t solidified yet, there’s lots of free parking and tons and tons of weenies, not to mention the fabulous conversation…you’ll never know what you’ll learn or what you’ll be told!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2613130685/sizes/o/

    Happy Independence Day!

  19. Isaac
    July 4th, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    #16 George III would definitely be an awesome villain due to the whole batshit insane thing, a la The Joker.
    In fact, why isn’t Zombie Founding Fathers Action League being pushed to production now? It couldn’t be any worse than Rise of the Silver Surfer.

  20. Carly
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    And here I thought the shuffling hordes over by Independence Hall were tourists.

    I guess I’d better get my gun before they reach my apartment…

  21. Steve the Pocket
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    Further evidence of my theory yesterday: today’s Frazz. The last place I’d think to look for innuendo, but it’s there all right.

    I’m a little bummed by the fact that these actually-entertaining-for-once FOOB reruns are all ones that I’ve already seen in the one tiny book collection I picked up at a yard sale ages ago. But on the lighter side, it means the world may soon be re-exposed to the one where little Mikey says that boys and girls have “different decorations.” Fun!

  22. Lamb Cannon
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    Lines… describing concentric circles…

  23. Shoshi
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    12 AlphabetFish — According to yesterday’s thread, the song is from a 1946 movie. The title of the movie and the lyrics of the song can be found in the thread. (See posts 227 and 260.)

    However, I have no explanation for whether it is considered appropriate or ironic for Independence Day. Maybe it is to imply that Dolly is out husband-hunting?

  24. My Brother's Keeper
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    Get Fuzzy is usually beyond reproach, more or less, but the pedant in me (ouch!) insists on pointing out that while some of James Joyce’s writing may arguably be called “stream of consciousness” and therefore free-flowing as the character implies, it doesn’t seem to have just poured out of Joyce. He wasn’t that prolific.

    A better example might have been Jack Kerouac, who at least claimed to lay it down pretty much as fast as he could. Or any of dozens of popular novelists who publish more words in a year or two than Joyce did in his lifetime.

    Raise your hand if you feel really, really sorry for my students.

  25. odinthor
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    Before we enquire into Dolly’s rationale for singing boardwalk songs on Independence Day, perhaps we should determine the alcoholic content of whatever she has in that bucket.

    Speaking of which (um, referring to the “perhaps we should determine” bit), wasn’t it George III’s habitual terminal “eh?” which supposedly gave rise to the same manifestation in Butter Tartland?

  26. arto
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    Dolly may be denying us a hilarious misheard version of the Star Spangled Banner, but at least Margo & Gabriella are horribly mangling “The Message” by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. So that’s something.

    Don’t push her ’cause she’s close to the edge!
    She’s trying not to lose her head, a-ha-ha-ha

  27. kelsy
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    Dolly also seems to be carrying a patriot basket…for trick or treating? I mean, that is pretty scary character to be dressed as–especially with that song…Oh my gosh, my costume is going to be GREAT this year!

  28. Perky Bird
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    Dolly: “We should celebrate Grandma today, because it’s ‘In Depends Pants Day’ !”

  29. Taylor
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    When I first saw the Family Circus cartoon today, I thought, ‘There is no way the Keanes are referencing Bruce Springsteen’s Atlantic City, one of the most movingly melodic renditions of working class America ever to register in the fabric of the nation’s consciousness. Could The Family Circus actually be presenting us with a thoughtful statement of the hope that instills itself in the heart of every American, the hope that impels the hopeless narrator in Springsteen’s song, out of luck and out of options, to tell his ‘baby’ to ‘put your make-up on, fix your hair up pretty, and meet me tonight in Atlantic City’?

    Of course not. There is no line in The Boss’s Atlantic City that quite corresponds to the one Dolly mangles, so unless Dolly’s mangling is so extreme as to invent new lyrics, my best guess is that the song comes from an obscure 1946 musical called Three Little Girls in Blue, starring George Montgomery.

    Which makes more sense, considering that Bil Keane would surely never contaminate the minds of his children with anything recorded after the end of, say, I Love Lucy, after which married couples began to be shown sharing a bed.

  30. Monster Jamz
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    i think nothing would anger Patriot Zombies more than the crap-fest that is “Family Circus”. makes me proud to be an American. my anger and rage are real. and i love “moldy powdered wigs attempting to eat the brains of …” Fantastic! zombies, huge quantities of meat, weapons, eye sockets, unbeating hearts … thank you Josh. Happy 4th.

  31. Perky Bird
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    # 27 Kelsy– Don’t you know you’re supposed to go trick-or-treating on Independence Day? You dress up as your favorite Founding Father, or other patriotic emblem (eagle, Statue of Libery, the Capitol) and take your little staar-spangled basket from house to house. The neighbors respond to your cries of “You’re either with us, or against us!” by giving you Hershey’s bars, hot dogs, firecrackers, and slices of apple pie. The “trick” is, if they don’t comply, you secretly report them to the Department of Homeland Security as un-patriotic and, therefore, terrorists.

  32. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    Vampire George III, batshit insane from porphyria, vs. Zombie Founding Fathers Washington, Madison, Jefferson and Franklin! Best 4th of July EVER!

    You have to admit it’s a lot better than the dreck that is Spider-Man.

  33. dailycomicsreviewer
    July 4th, 2008 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    You kinda lost me on the whole zombified founding fathers tangent, but I think that it would make an amazing premise for a comic strip.

  34. Calico
    July 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    Happy Sally (and Ted) Forth!

  35. Mac
    July 4th, 2008 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    We all love Margo, and Margo’s rages, of course. I think, however, it would be a particularly special rage if she destroys Alan for somehow causing psychic injury to her comically ethnic mother.

  36. Cami
    July 4th, 2008 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    And by the second panel of A3G, all three characters are vibrating. Honestly, I don’t belive anyone has to worry about “going limp” anytime soon.

  37. Red Greenback
    July 4th, 2008 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    I think Dolly needs a hearing aid: The song lyrics represented get more and more obscure except for number 9 that somehow she got perfect. Sing it, girl!

  38. Brent
    July 4th, 2008 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    It is odd that Dolly isn’t singing a patriotic song today. Which makes me believe that maybe she was originally but the editors pointed out that such a thing (especially on the 4th) would probably anger the comic’s conservative fan base. They probably suggested he “replace it with something more liberal. You know, like a show tune about Atlantic City or something. Those people in New Jersey won’t complain, they’re used to being the butt of jokes”.

  39. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    FC: I think Jeff Keane just phoned this one in from the second tee.

  40. ladadog
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    All this talk about New Jersey (and Bruce Springsteen)…how fitting that just before the 4th, word comes that Madam Marie has passed away.
    “The cops finally busted Madam Marie, for telling fortunes better than they do….This boardwalk life for me is through…you know you ought to quit this scene too”

  41. Girl Reporter
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Islamorada Girl says: Vampire George III, batshit insane from porphyria, vs. Zombie Founding Fathers Washington, Madison, Jefferson and Franklin! Best 4th of July EVER!

    Hear hear! (or is it Here here! (?))

    So, which one is played by Sean Connery?

  42. SFMarcus
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Oh the Family Circle is so CLEARLY plagiarized from some Soviet agitprop mural it’s not even funny. The figure Josh calls “Dolly” is actually a 30-something ‘cultural worker,’ broadly sowing musical notes from her allegorical Heroic Chum-Bucket Full of Hymns Praising the Fortitude of the Northern District 4 Rye-Threshing Comrades. The American flag in the background is so BLATANTLY photoshopped in, it’s not fooling THIS red-hatin’ comic curmudgeon. Some 4th of July tribute! The Keanes have basically just taken a big steaming dump on Plymouth Rock, and wiped up with The Constitution!

    Signed,
    A Plugger

  43. Aesop
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    I laughed at today’s Marmaduke. I can just imagine that giant menace laughing and saying in a demonic voice, “I will eat you if you don’t get out of my face.”

  44. Isaac
    July 4th, 2008 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    #33

    …Say, that does sound like a good idea.
    A good idea I will follow up on!
    http://comics.drunkduck.com/Random_Ramblings/pages/937604d5769bf8983679dfbe46f1ab9f.png

  45. Slylock Foxy
    July 4th, 2008 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Slylock Fox is effing terrifying if it’s true.

  46. Sweet Tangerine
    July 4th, 2008 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    #24–Brother’s Keeper

    I have to say that I had the same question about today’s Get Fuzzy. It would have been much more effective to reference a prolific writer (King, Oates, even Woolf) because it took Joyce such a long time to come out with his “Stream of Consciousness” works. Definitely NOT 150 wpm!

    Sounds like your student should be glad that they have someone who reads the comics, is what I think. I’m a bit embarassed that my first post is so academic and so not snarky. I leave it to those better than me.

  47. Foobar
    July 4th, 2008 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    Why is “birdWALK” capitalized like that? Why doesn’t this make any sense? I am getting really close to not caring about Family Circus anymore– and it doesn’t end there.

    Why should I torture myself every day, hurling the best of myself at the beginning of a new day against the ineffable pewter megalith that is the so-called funnies? The damaged, tumorous minds which every morning burst their cysts, splashing our newspapers with grey, insensible pus could not care less, certainly, about even the most righteous of protest. What is the power they and their creeping syndicates hold? Do we need a revolution?

  48. Uncle Ed
    July 5th, 2008 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    #3 Mike Peters, the comic genius behind MG&G, went to my high school. His mother’s name was Charlotte.

  49. A Lemur
    July 5th, 2008 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    MT: in the deeper zietgeist of Mark Trail the seductive dichotomy of the dark animus of Cherry reflected in her evil shadow Kelly juxtaposed against the brutal backdrop of unfettered nature portends the synthesis of duality and Nietzschian actualization of the will beyond good and evil by foreshadowing the denoument of this episodal mis-en-scene. Moss gets to be the fixin’s between a girl sammach.

    The pony, apparently, gets eaten by a cougar.

  50. commodorejohn
    July 5th, 2008 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    #44 Slylock Foxy – It’s true.

  51. Muffaroo
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    If you could hear the tune, you’d know that Dolly, in her heart, believes she is singing “The Star Spangled Banner.”

  52. Maggie Marvel
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    41: He’d just be there for no real reason, being badass and slurring incoherently, but dangit, it’d make BANK, just ‘cos Sean Connery is in it. XP

  53. dbp
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    You got your wish, Josh. One day later, A3G brings up this plotline:

    Margo: Alan, you’re going limp again.
    Alan: Your mom’s going limp!

  54. Poteet
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    # 46 Foobar — “Gray, insensible pus” may be the best short description of DT I’ve ever read. Dibs! I realize that phrase may be applicable to other strips, but I called it first.

  55. Muffaroo
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    AD – Soon we’ll be calling it BM.

    CrankCaution: Excessive breathing of gasoline fumes can lead to the user growing to gigantic size. Above all, do not mix with wood-based charcoal.

    GA – The footnotes in Gasoline Alley and the ones in Dick Tracy are playing a game of Ghost. If the Tracy notes are wise, they’ll play M.O.S.E., which will force the Alley to play M.O.S.E.Y. — a clear win for Tracy!

    Mimeaduke – Big dog’s had one too many when he starts doing his “Marcel Marceau trapped in a glass box” routine. This party’s over!

    MW – Poor Dr. Jeff keeps dreaming of Mary Worth’s head. I think he really, really misses it!

    Non Sequitur – I thought it was their remarkable neck flexibility.

    PBS – Woo hoo! Bibendum’s looking kind of rampage-y. Like maybe he’s saying “Tubes… TUBES…”

    S-M – Damn it! They skipped the most exciting eight hours of Peter’s recent life. I’ll bet he was dreaming of chasing a rabbit.

  56. Desert Ghost
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    MT: Kelly Welly has stirred up a lot of trouble, as usual, and now she is challenging Cherry not to threaten her!
    Well, this is how I’d like to see this story-line play out:
    Sally Wally, a 3-time World Champion Women’s Kick-Boxer Winner as well as an expert Equestrian/Horse lover, along with her “friend” Becky Wecky, the founder of a Woman’s Hockey League Team, are out back-packing in LoFo when they come across the lonely horse, broken bone, bandaged leg, with no human to guide it. This makes the women extremely mad and they vow to find out who would do such a thing. They hike really fast, and then find Cherry, Kelly and Moss. They ask WTF happened….Cherry tells them that Kelly banged the pans, and Moss was flung off and the horse & hurt it’s leg. So when Sally Wally found out that Kelly Welly caused this horrible equine trouble, she enlisted her friend Becky Wecky to kick Kelly Welly’s ass, much to the dismay of Cherry Trail and her sideways eyelashes, but yes it was true that Sally Wally and Becky Wecky threw Kelly Welly right off the top of that mountain, and directly into the fire that Mark and Rusty had so much trouble building the night before! Mark and Rusty enjoyed the hot dogs and marshmallows, but wondered about the burning hair smells.

  57. Mibbitmaker
    July 5th, 2008 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    The 5th of July (also known as “Justanothersatur Day”):

    FW: Omigod — on the anniversary of the introduction of Aldo Kelrast in MW, Funky is about to get the pizza version of Aldo’s end. Okay, this intervention is legit, due to these actually being the recipient’s friends, but I still love the juxtroposition!

    A3G: Omigod — It’s increasingly looking like I was not wrong about Albert Pinkham Ryder returning to once again confound everyone as some kind of evil spirit!!
    ….Or else she was talking about Margo.

    GT: Elmer El Fuddo will get to his family’s home country and get attention there for his command of the Spanish language. He will therefore become known as the Mexican George W. Bush.

    Adam: On loan from “Marvin”.

    Zits: Hm… Suddenly, the new character is being rewritten by Jeremy in glowing terms out of context with the gal who could beat Droopy in spastically confounding the Wolf, plus make Speedy Gonzalez look like Slowpoke Rodriguez by comparison. She has all the deliberation of a “blipvert” (see: “Max Headroom”). When was there even time to find all these positive traits??

  58. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 5th, 2008 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    7/5

    HtH: Note to Hagar. The next time you throw an orgy, invite the monk. It’s the courteous thing to do.

    JP: So Hizzoner has no trouble changing clothes in front of Sam. Yesterday he was still in the Hawaiian getup. Now he’s wearing his Matrix cosplay gear judicial robes.

    GA: The director calls Rufus a loafer, when clearly his shoes have laces. This jaw-dropping lack of fashion knowledge further supports my theory that he’s not a Frenchman at all.

    Phantom: Next episode box: Obviously this guy is big, but is he really easy? As Kit says, “Soon we’ll know.” Wacka-wacka-wow!

    Archie: But Jughead, Archie makes up the excuses to make himself feel better, not to… Oh, look who I’m talking to. I need to address my concerns to the AJGLU3000.

    DtM: That’s good advice your son is giving you, Mitchells.

    PBS: Bee-yootiful!

    MW: For a second I thought Jeff–looking more like Tom Poston than ever–was speaking his Psalm to Mary out loud. Which would of course bought him a very forceful psych consult.

    MT: Is the shot of the mountain lion foreshadowing? Or just showing off?

    BC: The joke is very old. The ability to print it in BC, relatively new.

    A3G: Evil is present? Hey, Jack resembles that remark!

  59. Baka Gaijin
    July 5th, 2008 at 4:09 am [Reply]

    Rose is Rose: Clem eats like a FOOB. No, wait, he gets all the food inside his mouth without covering the immediate area with drippings, droppings, and saliva.

  60. Baka Gaijin
    July 5th, 2008 at 4:16 am [Reply]

    #7 Talking Squirrel: Get ready to climb on the float. Your Mark Trail comment wins COTW on the last 3 words alone.

    #24 My Brother’s Keeper: [raising hand]

  61. MonkeyHawk
    July 5th, 2008 at 4:53 am [Reply]

    Everyone should update your Netflix queue and rediscover the film “Atlantic City.”

    It’s got a young Susan Sarandon rubbing lemon juice on her body, and old Burt Lancaster in a really great role, and a full rendition of “On the Boardwalk of Atlantic City” by a cheesy Joisey girl trio and a cameo with Robert Goulet.

  62. Doug Puthoff
    July 5th, 2008 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    Speaking of Aldo, I’d like to wish all the Curmudgeoners out in cyspace a HAPPY ALDO DAY!

    Take a stalker to lunch.

  63. Ryl
    July 5th, 2008 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    9CL: I…I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with one of the Auntie Ethel letter writers! Who let truth slip into this comic?

    A3G: “Evil is present HERE” Gabriella says, grasping her throat in a desperate attempt to let her daughter know about her recent diagnosis of throat cancer. The next day she moves into her new apartment in Funky Winkerbean.

    DT: “But we don’t know when they’ll hit Tracy.” See, you don’t always need commas.

    MT: A year later, Mark found the bones of Cherry, Kelly, and Moss hidden in a cave. Teeth marks indicated they had been gnawed on by a mountain lion. The injured horse returned home, recovered, and kicked the pots and pans into the nearest lake where they promptly killed seventeen baby ducks.

    MW: The mind control device Mary implanted into Jeff’s brain will ensure that her “interventions” will continue long past their breakup.

    RMMRSA: The last panel is more terrifying than Pennywise ever hoped to be.

  64. LurkNoLonger
    July 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    This zombie Founding Fathers topic is the one of the funniest things I’ve read on this site. Great job, Josh — what an awesome description! the vampire George III vs the Zombie Founding Fathers sounds like something out of Monty Python. Also the “shuffling hordes around Independence Hall” really cracked me up.Thanks for the lol, I needed it!

  65. Krazy Kat
    July 5th, 2008 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    I guess Dolly belting out “Jose, can you see? Through the darn surly light?” was too much even for the FC.
    Anyway, Krazy Kat checking in from South Carolina, last home of legal fireworks on every corner and cheap ammo, on July 5, with all fingers still attached and only some minor scortching from a glorious 4th celebration.
    Long live George Washington.

  66. mojo
    July 5th, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Looks like Margo’s mom needs medical attention! Quick! Three CC’s of oddly-colored liquid! Uh, STAT!

    How about trying a wider course of antibiotics? I’m speaking from personal experience. You see, someone once saved my life….

    (…several dreamy hours later…)

    The only side effect of this treatment will be, now she’ll keep seeing Mary Worth’s face in blued-out thought bubbles. Which will be really distracting if she’s driving or operating heavy machinery. Plus she’ll start leaving whiny come-back-to-me-my-One-True-Love messages on her ex’s answering machine.

    A small price to pay for otherwise vibrant mental, physical and emotional health!

  67. John C Fremont
    July 5th, 2008 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    # 37 – Pretty sure I woke up the family laughing at this one. Thank you, Red! You made my day!

    # 55 Muffaroo – You’re Mary Worth comment also had me in stitches. Too much funny for this hour of the morning!

    # 58 – “Hail, Mary, full of face…”

    MT – Ol’ Moss heads back up the trail while John “Mellencamp” Cougar looks on.

    MW – Hey, the red arrow is back. And for all you John Waters fans – “Hurry, Heintz! Emergency! Emergency!”

    FW – So which one of them gets to go over the cliff? Please let it be all of them, oh please, oh please, oh please!

    DT – The Doberman Gang?

    GA – (sigh) I laughed at “Mit Out Sound.” But if he’s French, shouldn’t it have been “Vis?” That’s how Pepe LePew would have said it.

    FC – At least that little idiot isn’t singing today.

    Crankshaft – Ed saw yesterday’s Slylock Fox and is trying to recreate that ball lightning.

    And for all 3 of you Heywood Banks fans out there, he may also be recreating the second verse of “911.”

  68. teenchy
    July 5th, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Re Gabriella: Two words: Contact high.

    Re PBS: I have a Bibendum bobble-head (try saying that three times fast) on my home office desk. You’d better believe I’ll be keeping my eyes on him for a while.

    # 65: I grew up in South Carolina and always looked forward to the July 5 newspaper, which inevitably contained stories about people who had maimed themselves with fireworks the night before. I imagined many of these maimings being preceded by those famous last words: “Hey, y’all, watch this shit!”

    Oh, and to tie the topics together: Michelin’s North American headquarters are in Greenville, SC, and many of its manufacturing plants are in the state.

  69. Little Guy
    July 5th, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    JP: I swear this “$25,000 advance” plotline is a shoutout to FOOB. Call me crazy.

  70. bats :[
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    44. Isaac: stupendous!!!
    This could be the first web comic ever designed by committee! Not that that’s a bad thing…like the First Continental Curmudgeonic Congress!

  71. Hank
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    RE: Apt 3G. If Gabriella faints at ‘the presence of evil’ anyplace where low level drug-dealing and bad art occurs, how can she even enter lower Manhattan without immediately slipping into a coma?

  72. gleeb
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: I was suspicious of this when it began because, well, it’s McDowner, and his writing stinks and he gets by on his ability to draw T&A. This, however, is actually funny.

    A3G: Because them ethnic types, they’re like really psychical, y’know?

    Cathy: Shallow, materialistic couple have shallow, materialistic dogs.

    Dick: Poor Sam Catchem. Stuck in the background, pushed aside for Shirl Locke.

    FC: “That means STOP SINGING, Dolly.”

    ‘bean: The pizza is symbolically shaped like a mushroom-cloud, emphasizing Tony’s anger.

    H&J: There are cruciform churches, and basillicas, or round churches. But the Rev Croom seems to have set up his pulpit in the world’s only dog-leg church.

    Rex: Any second now, a staphylococcus bacterium could pull a knife on the boy!

    Spidey: Eight hours! Just think of the teevee watching he’s missed in that time!

  73. Braniff
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    I have one explanation for yesterday’s Family Circus–Dolly was WALKing in some bird poop! ‘Nuff said!!

  74. Islamorada Girl
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    #44: Issac: Cooooool! Vampire George vs. Zombie Founding Fathers demands its own comic strip!

  75. odinthor
    July 5th, 2008 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    47. foobar.

    Why is “birdWALK” capitalized like that?

    It’s cuz the melody abruptly goes up an octave or so at the “walk.” Imagine how I feel finding my mind intersecting with Dolly’s.

    RMMD — That’s right—encourage the kid to go touch the mats some more, to wrestle with them a bit as he takes them up to lug them out to the trailer, maybe take off his shirt first for that strenuous work so he can get some extra flesh-on-mat action going… Good thinking! Fewer kids, fewer expenses!

  76. teddytoad
    July 5th, 2008 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Gabriella is dizzy because, as everyone knows, residual crack fumes make elderly, comical immigrants all squiggly inside.

    Right? Everyone knows that, right? It’s called “foreshadowing,” people! Does Margo have to spell it out?

  77. AeroSquid
    July 5th, 2008 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    DtM: “Ol’ Ruff will have the large Number 6 with extra Guac !”

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3148/2638812911_4711a14f72_o.jpg

  78. bats :[
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    58. AFKAB: I have a sneaking suspicion that the Judge has a “mood shirt.” It turned black when Sam questioned his own abilities as an intellectual properties lawyer, but when he agrees to help the Judge, it’ll get all bright and sparkly again!
    Okay, I have no idea.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2639700072/sizes/o/

    63. Ryl re MT: that’s a storyline I can live with.

    67. John C. Fremont: yes, but things are getting worse.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2639691862/

  79. barfobulator
    July 5th, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    To make the story a bit more intriguing in 7/4/08′s Mary Worth, we should mentally replace ‘antibiotics’ with something else. I suggest ‘torture’, but others could be ‘arsenic’, ‘enriched uranium’, or ‘cheating old hag’. If nothing else, it would cast in a new light both Mary’s relationship with Jeff and modern medical care

  80. Stij
    July 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    #41: All of them.

  81. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2008 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Am I missing something in FC? “On the BirdWALK in Lantic City”? What’s up with WALK being in caps? Some subtle pun? Is it a pun because she is in fact walking? But not so much walking like a bird, so I fail to see…

    One definition of insanity is embarking on a quest to find deeper meaning in an especially eggregious Family Circus panel.

  82. ycrt
    July 7th, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Even Bil’s new car is smirking at his escape from Thel…..

  83. Paul1963
    July 7th, 2008 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    #65 Krazy Kat–So have you ever been to South of the Border, home of Pedro’s Rocket City Fireworks and Exxon?
    I swear to God this is true, I was there in 1990 and saw it with my own eyes: Agas station that sold incendiary devices.

    #67 John C Fremont– “MOS” for “mit out sound” is a real, honest-to-God piece of filmmaking jargon.

    I can’t help trying to come up with other songs Dolly could be singing in that FC. Angry political songs come to mind, such as “Mr. Richards” from the new R.E.M. album or “Disneyland” by whatever group that was by (“I just flipped off President George/I’m going to Disneyland”).

  84. andre
    September 7th, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    fuck you EUA

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