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Ben Affleck > both Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, there, I said it

Spider-Man, 2/9/13

HAVE NO FEAR, SAN FRANCISCO! Spider-Man has finally arrived to free you from the villainous Kingpin, and … wait, what’s that you say? You already have a superhero who’s come out from New York to protect you? One who didn’t hitchhike out like some hobo, and who probably did a little research to find out how you feel about certain nicknames? Huh. Hmm. Interesting.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/13

I admit that I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the question of who would have the planning and foresight to become the unquestioned warlord of Hi and Lois’s suburban cul-de-sac after society collapses in the Great Unravelling, but I guess Thirsty is as likely a candidate as any.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/9/13

Um … guys, present tense? He’s right over there and he can hear you talking, you ghouls

208 responses to “Ben Affleck > both Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, there, I said it”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    The Cake Biddy — Please don’t squeeze the Charmin, Mr. Whipple. Or the Mary (if you know what’s good for you!).

    Dick Wilson, a talented character actor who played the fussy “George Whipple” in numerous TV commercials, also appeared in various episodes of Bewitched as a drunk. He probably started drinking as a result of his unrequited love for Mary Worth, a woman he desperately wanted to be his “main squeeze.”

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    Spider-Meh — ‘Tis said that the mere mention of the 1943 Alice Faye musical Hello, Frisco, Hello is enough to get you dropped from the “A” list at parties in San Francisco County.

    Which is a pity since the 20th Century-Fox film introduced the Academy Award-winning song “You’ll Never Know” — considered by many to be Alice Faye’s signature song.

  3. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    ASM: And so, shamed into submission by a senior citizen, the Amazing Spider-Man slunk out of San Francisco, never to return. Across the city, everybody suddenly felt their lives become ever-so-slightly less annoying.

    FW: “Maybe you and your wife and I could have dinner. Is your wife hot like you? Good. After that, we’ll see whether some hot biological-daughter-on-adopted-son-on-adopted-son’s-wife action is in the cards!”

    9CL: You only get commended if you manage to go the whole performance doing your page-turning-monkey duties while managing not to fall on your ass, Amos.

    Garfield: Oh good lord, I always remembered Garfield’s feet being abnormally big, but just today I noticed that they’ve grown even more. They are literally at least half as long as he is tall. The day will come, eventually, when the entire planet is blanketed by these enormous…THINGS. The sun will be entirely blocked out and everything will die.

    JP: “Can you believe Randy hasn’t called to tell me what you already told me?! It’s an outrage, I tells ya!”

    Luann: “Ignore us.” If you’re asking the readers to ignore everybody in this strip by not reading it, Brad, don’t think that we all haven’t been sorely tempted for a long time!

    RMMD: Having sired a male heir, Rex is going to spend the rest of the night trying (and failing) to contain the pride he feels in his sperm.

    Slylock: They’re reading about the SuperBowl. The black bird is smiling because he was rooting for the Ravens.

    *ducks*

  4. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    I look forward to seeing how DareDevil abuses Spiderdick during the fight against Kingpin. Parker could make better bait than a Rod Bassy lure.

  5. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Gah, I fail at commenting; my Rex Morgan comment from yesterday got mixed in with my new comments from today and I didn’t notice.

    That being said, Rex is probably STILL proud of his sperm.

  6. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Pluggers online streaming involves standing enqueued at the Wal*Mart pharmacy and peeing in their Depend undergarments.

    As it turns out, the big fishing scandal is…wait for it…Mr. Bassy uses an appropriate lure for deep water fishing that happens not to be his own design that’s for shallow water. Elrod and the Mary Worth team must be in a contest for the “Most Boring Storyline Climax Ever.”

  7. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Check Peter Parker into the burn ward at the SF General Hospital. West Coast Helen Clark dissed him good in both panels.

    I love Sally Forth hiding behind the drink card. Like the mortal enemies can’t see your big unique hairdo.

  8. RavenHawk
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    The Amazingly Lame Spiderman: Ha. Spiderman just got burnt by Steve Buscemi in drag.

  9. RavenHawk
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    The Amazingly Lame Spiderman 2: I see Laurel Hardy and Lex Luthor are also in town, today.

  10. Shran
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    ASM: “And the name of this town is San Francisco — not ‘Frisco’!” “sorr — I mean, OH MY GOD, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU’RE FAAAAAACE!?”

    FW: You know you’re in the Funky-verse when the only thing that allows Darrin to momentarily escape his soul-crushing depression is the flicker of a possibility of incest romance right in front of his parents.

  11. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#3) on Garfield: All the better to stomp EVILSCARYCLOWNS!!!

    @Droopy Says (#4): With Spidey Sense what it is, there’s literally no limit to what DareDevil could do.

  12. maarvarq
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    S-M: It’s OK, Peter, Daredevil will be out of action for a while any second now. The line that he is supposedly swinging on can’t possibly be attached to anything in that direction, so he’s about to go splat into that building just to the right.

  13. Old Folkie
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    9CL: Don’t most top-tier concert pianists memorize their repetoire? Just sayin’

  14. KreatureFeatures
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    FW: Based on the fact that he fathered you and walked away, I’d say your dad was crappy.

  15. Ozmar
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    FW: Did- did she just hit on her brother? Half-brother? In front of their dad?

  16. SideshowJon
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Funky: There’s something really creepy about the fact the long-lost-daughter is the spitting image of her woman-Dad-abandoned-me-for.

  17. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    What will people pay Thirsty in – booze?

    @Old Folkie (#13): Beefwit! You dare challenge Brooke’s knowledge of music, more than which nobody hath ever had?

  18. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @maarvarq (#12): Actually, DareDevil is already out of action. If he’s making an upward swing, his trajectory must have intersected the ground before he reached that position.

    Icky Squickybean: The kid had a happy life before the retcon. Now he’s miserable, or not. Worst Old Darrin versus New Darrin argument since “Bewitched.”

  19. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Daredevil is displaying the body language of someone helplessly screaming as he hurtles unstoppably towards a concrete surface which will turn his bones to splinters.

  20. RavenHawk
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @Shran (#10): She’s melting!!

  21. casino LF
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#13): Even kiddies at piano recitals do, in my experience. But we are merely beefwits.

    JP: BEWBS!

    Funky: Creepy threesome tiiiiiiime! Also, seriously, your dad is RIGHT THERE.

  22. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Pluggers — Nice hip boots, Mr. Fisher-dog-man. Or should I say YIP boots?

    Lockhorns — I’m not sure why George Washington smells like brimstone, but he looks pretty good for a guy who’s been dead since 1799.

  23. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Shran (#10): Peter’s use of “Frisco” instead of “San Francisco” caused the poor woman to have a stroke.

  24. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-”What else could I say when a guy with a cock ten times the size of mine is dangling it right in my face.”

    Gil Thorp 2-”I don’t have a peacock. My girlfriend says it’s a good size.”

    MW-”And now for my end of the deal. Do you dedicate your life to me?”

    MT-”With that hat and glasses Rod Bassey suddenly looks familiar like someone I see everyday but I can’t put my finger on it.”

  25. Holly Folly
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    No no no. NO. Okay I have to explain this. Even if he bought a generator big enough to power a whole block (he didn’t) only the houses to the right and left of his would be able to benefit becasue you can’t do extension cord run that long and still get enough power to do anything other then charge your phone. Especially not with a cheap 100ft cord from a hardware store. And really especially not with two or three cheap cords hooked together. I’m going to get off my soap box now. Carry on.

  26. bbofun
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#13): But that wouldn’t allow for this week’s calvalcade o’laffs!

    Also, re 9CL-”There isn’t a chair anywhere backstage.” *DING* “Yes, bbofun?” “What is something never said at any theater or concert venue, ever, Alex?” “Correct. You have control of the board.”

    A3G- This is why Tommie loves being a nurse- she gets to meet people who make less sense than she does.

    ASM- Nice to see the late Quentin Crisp getting work, even if it is as a drag queen.

    FW_ Prediction- Newly returned daughter who just said “I’m going to be around for awhile” won’t be seen for at least 6 months, because, now that Dad’s starting his recovery, and the whole back-story’s been told, Batiuk will move on to something else. After all, there hasn’t been a Les-centric arc in while.

    JP- This strip seems to be having as much trouble with time zones as luann- when Sam was at the office, he said it was midnight in Paris. Assuming it was between 4-5 pm local time, that places Paris 7-8 hours ahead. Couldn’t they call Neddy later tonight?

    On the other hand, DAMN! Abby’s hot. So, all is forgiven.

    RMMD- Still no sign of Junior- at this point, I’m sort of hoping he never appears. Just have Rex go home, and report all is well at the apartments, and then suddenly realize he never saw him. (Frankly, I think Ginger & co. killed him, because he objected to their plans. but, y’know, they’re hot, so all is forgiven.)

  27. Some Guy
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    You people saying that Daredevil is swinging around incompentently and is going to smash into something : Are you guys seriously saying you want the guest star superhero to be a hero so incompetent he makes Newspaper Spider-Man look good by comparison?

  28. Ned Ryerson
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    I remember an Ellery Queen Minute Mystery (or something like that) where the solution to the case hinged on knowing that nobody from San Fransisco would say Frisco (so therefore the guy was lying, yada yada yada).

    I’ve always been troubled by assertions of absolutes in human behavior and was skeptical of this rationale, but I guess ASM adds fuel to the argument.

  29. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MW “You just need to believe it’s true, and it is!”
    Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis, a Sequel, 1919

  30. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#26): RMMD — Still no sign of Junior

    Why would you want a dog from Marvin to appear in Rex Morgan?

    Reminder — there’s still time to vote for your Favorite Cartoon Dog:

    http://dailyink.com/cartoondogs?ref=promo_dogs

  31. Ned Ryerson
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#30): No love for Sassy?

  32. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    A3BURNT GREG STRUGGLES TO UNDERSTAND…
    And…? Your point? We know that.

    Cranked Shaft A change from the usual stewpidity.

    FW “I could learn a little more about what my dad was like.”
    Aww! If only you’d been here a week ago, you could have learned what an asshole he was.

  33. BigTed
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Daredevil to Spidey: “Yes, I realize there are a lot fewer tall buildings here than in New York. I don’t know, get a cab or something. Me? I’m here for the medical marijuana. For my eyes. What’s your excuse?”

  34. Downpuppy
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#30): King Features has a really lame pack of hounds. Satchel, Marmaduke, & Poncho each have more character than that entire bunch of slightly mobile rugs.

    If Snoopy could see them now….

  35. TheDiva
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Hey guys, I was really busy yesterday and didn’t get a chance to pop in here; did I miss anything?

    …What? I did? Wow, thanks Josh…guess it always happens when you’re not looking. Kind of like how if I get up to go to the bathroom at a restaurant, the food will arrive while I’m gone.

    FW: Ewww, did this family change its name from Targaryen or something? (I’m trying to picture how morbid and depressing the Batiuk version of GoT would be. I don’t think the world could handle that much bloodshed.

    SM: Peter made a mistake and thought the Kingpin was setting up operations in a Colorado ski resort town.

  36. Downpuppy
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    What if everybody in Frisco is a holdover from old Marvel comics? Pretty sure the bald guy is the Puppet Master.

  37. Mibbitmaker
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    S-M: “Sorry, ma’am. I should’ve said ‘Hardline Hippie Haven’! Better now?”

    S-M (initials meaning “Steve-Martin”): EX-CUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEEE!!!”

    H&L: Apparently, Thirsty’s rank as warlord is “Gen-r-all” (just like Amos Halftrack).

    FW: “Learn alittle more about what my dad was like” = “Learn about what my dad used to be like before the latest Batiuk-produced character assassination that passes for characterization lo these last 21 years.”

  38. BigTed
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Thirsty: “The post-World War III zombie apocalypse is here, and I’m the only one with any electrical power! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, who has 20 gallons of gas so I can start running this baby? No one? Oh, crap.”

  39. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#31): Also left off the list: Bullet (Snuffy Smith), Devil (Phantom) and Abbey the Wonder Dog* (Rex Morgan). *BARK! BARK! BARK!

  40. The Phantom's Idiot Cousin
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    I really don’t like Thirsty’s chances of warlord-hood. I’m guessing it’ll take about two weeks from when the collapse of society forces the closing of the last liquor store for him to finish drinking his gasoline supply.

  41. sully
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bore: Too bad the strip is limited to 3 panels. I would have liked to have seen the west coast version of Aunt May kick Parker’s girly ass.
    Flunky Winkdemise: Past tense, present tense… what’s the difference? Everyone in this daily downer is either already dead or soon to die, anyway.

  42. TheDiva
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    9CL: Because if there’s one thing concert halls lack, it’s seating for more than one performer.

    A3G: Why should you be any different than the rest of the arc, Greg?

    C’shaft: Pam just smiled and added extra strychnine to her father’s slice.

    MT: “It makes it easier for my partner to find the lure at attach the fish to it!….Wait, did I say that part out loud?”

    MW: “But without my sage advice, you never would have believed in yourself! Now tell me again how wonderful I am…”

  43. UncleJeff
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#35): I don’t think Batiuk’s GoT would have much bloodshed — except for the leeches used by the medieval barbers to cure bad humours, plague and the rampant dysentery which would replace HBO’s disembowelings and decapitations as the primary causes of death.
    Also: no brutal sex, just gruesome pleading for any show of flesh from the other characters’ relatives.

  44. UncleJeff
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Or medieval smirks.
    Can’t forget the smirks.

  45. Weaselboy
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Luann: Shannon called him Brad instead of Bwad. Our little girl is growing up! That’s not necessarily a good thing, however, since the adolescents in this strip usually act like complete idiots.

  46. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#32): GREG STRUGGLES TO UNDERSTAND…

    An A3G narration box that has always been totally unnecessary, in the case of Lu Ann.

    ASM: I’ll bet Kingpin knows the correct name for the city.

    MT: So Rod Bassey’s deep-water lure has a little flashlight on it, to let bottom-crawling SCUBA-diver “Catfish” know which lure is his, and then he can hook the big bass on it? OK, sounds like a plan – except where did Rod and Catfish get those big bass, to start with? Didn’t they have to catch them first, using real fishing techniques? If so, then why can’t they just…

    Oh hell, let’s get this miserable story arc over with. Just kidnap Rusty now, expose Rod as a fraud and punch him out, and go home. I’m already hungry for pancakes.

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    internets, I haz them back. *flutteryay*

    Frazz: I’m assuming that’s a shout-out, but the googles don’t reveal it.

    A&J: ROFLs. The QG doesn’t get it.

    rCdS: well timed rerun, and I lol’d.

    Lio: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

    SBp: o dear. (whyishenakedwhyishenakedwhyishenaked)

    Zits: says the kid with the one-outfit wardrobe.

    JP: I’ll be in my bunk.

    MG&G: /fail, with tech.

    Pluggers wins the tech reference. someone check Hell, it may be frozen, and watch for airborne swine.

    PMP: *snurk*

    RwO: NSFBG!!!!!!!

    6Cx: perky breast powers A-cup-tivate!

    Retail: the QG has been there.

  48. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .handies on the shore.

  49. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Reminder: Saturday is National Bagels & Lox Day (as well as Pizza Pie Day!).

    February 9, 2013 is also Toothache Day. Coincidentally, the Hershey Corporation was founded on February 9, 1894. (I’m not saying there’s a connection between the two, but…)

  50. debussy fields
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    MW– “You just need to believe that it’s true and it is! And I have proof that this is so: When I was overcome with worry about us dropping the cake, I started to really wish I had an extra arm to help us turn the trick, and look at me now. Three arms!”

  51. Mibbitmaker
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    A3G: “As Greg struggles to make a facial expression…”

    9CL: “That’s odd…. there’s nothing but empty chairs in the audience part of the auditorium during our live concerts….”

    NS: I loathe you, Danae. You’re a bigot, it’s not that difficult.

    MT: Trail: “Yep, my chin is still there…”

    MW: Mary on how to believe your own delusions.

  52. Esther Blodgett
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#28): OMG, I haven’t thought about Ellery Queen’s Minute Mysteries in decades! Larry the Legend used to play them in the morning on WZUU in Milwaukee!

    OK, I’m done horribly dating myself now.

  53. SKJAM!
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#46): Yes, Kingpin only uses “Frisco” as a deliberate torture technique to people he knows can’t fight back.

    As someone noted above, that looks like Laurel Hardy and Lex Luthor in the crowd. Laurel seems to like his chances “I bet Clown-9 could beat Daredevil!” while Lex, being highly intelligent, knows that Daredevil is too much for him. Plus there’s a “one bald supervillain per city” rule in effect.

  54. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#44):

    Or medieval smirks.
    Can’t forget the smirks.

    Is that like “pulling a face”? I’ve wondered about what exactly that means.
    And when a character “sniffs.” I’d understand it better if there were a visual to accompany the phrase. There’s just not enough “sniffing” and “pulling faces” in comics these days.

  55. Stroker Ace
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    ASM – PP shoulda said ‘Crisco ‘Frisco’. The gets the locals fired up. The walking around naked ones in particular.

  56. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Now I expect you to stand there and listen while I give you the complete detailed and unabridged history of San Francisco.”

    FW-”And by dinner I mean you, your wife, and my pussy. Do you like eating out?”

  57. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#72): Thank you for putting it so well. I was originally thinking, right after I read that strip, of making a snotty remark about how I created more realistic drama with puppets when I was six. Alas, that’s not saying much.

    And re the “Frisco” snub, yesyesyes, it’s the best Spidey moment in months.

  58. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#57): Whoops, sorry, that should have been addressed to @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#Y72):

  59. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    It’s Westies vs Poodles for next week’s Hotdog, and WESTIES MUST WIN!!! (they’re up something like 70-30, so there is hope for humanity.)

    Shipping 101.

    suddenly, Bob Ross. (I believe, I believe, )

    otters for V-Day.

    *waves*.

    bellehrubz, plox?

    corgipup haz a happy. :3

    Bucky is not the only one who works to protect against ferret home invasion.

  60. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#57): Of course, it was pretty good last week too, when MJ dozed off while talking with Peter on the phone.

  61. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#39): Ghost-who-corrects points out that Devil is not a dog.

  62. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#60): You’re quite right. I should have specified that this was the best Humiliated-Spidey moment in months. Too bad he couldn’t see MJ’s utter boredom.

  63. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Another roommate? How many women does Margo sleep with?”

  64. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#29):
    Sorry Franz, this also could be any number of vapid Bieber lyrics.

  65. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#31):
    Darn, that makes at least 3 they’ve ignored-Abby, Fred, and now Doughdog.
    Oh, and what about Buddy, Wally’s dog? Make that 4. Grrrrrrrr.

  66. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @sully (#41):
    There is no future tense in Westview, except to discuss someone’s imminent demise.

  67. Flummoxicated
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s not a very good example of the beauty of nature, considering the completely unnatural third arm springing from her abdomen.

  68. cheech wizard
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    JP – Nice touch having Sam’s reflection in the last panel. You can actually see his wide-eyed horror at the realization his wife is trying to have sex with him. Can’t a man read his evening paper in peace?

    ASM – I had one of the locals pull that “It’s called San Francisco” shit on me when I was there. So I just put the dollar back in my pocket.

    A bit late, but thanks Josh, for the lift on the float – makes a nice start to the weekend. Congrats to the other riders as well, amy c in particular – I had a feeling your fried bird flesh remark would be up there!

  69. commodorejohn
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Batiuk never fails to make the Addams family look like a buncha damn Pollyannas.

  70. gleeb
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    My Spider-sense is telling me someone’s about to be thrashed with a lorgnette.

    ‘bean: Going to be around for a while? You mean after Batiuk tells his Lisa story (for I fear that is all this will be just another trip to the Deadwife Well)? I wish you luck, sister. Say hi to Kevin the dwarf if you see him.

    Dick: Sweatstain seems to be acting oddly for a murderer. Maybe sometime this summer the story will get around to concluding and we can find out if he is.

    Doones: So remember, if you meet a congressional staffer, don’t punch him/her in the face for being part of America’s criminal class because they work so vewy, vewy harrd.

    Thorp: You know, most people would feel embarrassed about shouting “peacock” in a room full of naked boys.

  71. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#61): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#39): Ghost-who-corrects points out that Devil is not a dog.

    Looks like a dog to me:

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RgEEG4F3Hck/T9Zxl3k3bcI/AAAAAAAACIE/epmnuW3ZXPw/s1600/the-phantom-tom-tyler.jpg

  72. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#47) on Rhymes with Orange: Thanks for the warning. No clicky.

    @Esther Blodgett (#52): When you’re finished horribly dating yourself, I hear e-Harmony can get you a non-horrible date. Padum-bum kish!

    @gleeb (#70) on Spiderman: Too bad Spidey Sense doesn’t work on flying lorgnettes.

  73. Red Greenback
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Peter’s hair is getting good in the back.

  74. NoahSnark
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    I must admit, paying for my electricity with a can of turpentine and a bottle of cough syrup does have a certain appeal.

  75. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#71): stand in.

    wolves are harder to train than Alsatians. ;-)

    see the second of the three specific things for details.

  76. Hart of Johnny
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Dude in FW is all like “I’m totally Mackin’ on this lady!”

  77. KreatureFeatures
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#14): I see now that Batuik intends me to hate on Jock-Stereotype Dad rather than Stroke Dad. But I find it more dramatically compelling to assume that Senior Sadsack was the deadbeat dad.

  78. tb4000
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Even when Matt Murdock is walking around with his vision impaired cane in his attorney suit and tie he still manages to foil more crime on accident than Peter Parker does in full Spider-Man regalia.

  79. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#75): I’m pretty sure Lee Falk referred to Devil as a “wolf-dog.” I always took that to mean he was a hybrid (or cross-breed) of the two. At what point do we stop calling a Canis lupus familiaris who’s part wolf a “dog”?

    And if you want to get into a “Six Degrees of Separation” thing, I knew actor Frank Coghlan, Jr. who once worked with Tom Tyler, the actor who played the Phantom in Columbia’s 1943 serial. And, of course, Tyler worked with Ace, the dog who played Devil…

  80. Chip Whittle
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Crock, I feel the need to point out, contains today the word balloon, “The chocolate fairy says ‘poo on goo’.” I realize that Bill Rechin’s dead and the strip is in reruns that somehow still bear today’s copyright date but could someone check on him that he’s all right?

  81. KreatureFeatures
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    It’s a strange day in Mark Trail. Why the paucity of waterfowl? What’s that phallic symbol in the background? Chin-rubbing Mark shares my puzzlement.

  82. Nekrotzar
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    FW: You want to know what your dad was like? He zarking wrote you out of his life because your very existence was mildly inconvenient to him. Plus, he was created by Batuik. Understand? Good. Now go overturn his wheelchair.

  83. Peanut Gallery
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    F&E – What the heck are those squiggles at the bottom of the panel, to the right of Frank & Ernest? It looks like Arabic writing.

    RMMD – Things we’ve learned: Severe drug overdose can be cured with smelling salts. Suicidal depression can be cured with admonitions to “buck up.”

    MT – Deep.

  84. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#83) on Rex Morgan: And breasts. Big firm high titties.

  85. Peanut Gallery
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#28): That’s what’s known as a “close enough for Slylock Fox” solution.

  86. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Questionable Content: I’m pretty sure that’s a tequila monster there, not a single malt scotch monster.

    // But I suppose I should defer to Jacques’ personal knowledge of these things.

  87. Peanut Gallery
    February 9th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#50), @Flummoxicated (#67): Oh, well spotted! That one’s going in the file next to six-fingered Wilbur.

  88. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): The monster was summoned simply by sniffing the booze prior to drinking it. That’s definitely the cue for a single-malt monster (specifically, one that haunts the ultra-smoky peat-bomb Islay whiskies), but no self-respecting Scotch monster would show up in a sombrero, I agree. This is what an Islay Scotch monster should be.

  89. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Flummoxicated (#67):

    “Dill, start the blender.”

  90. La Cieca
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    ASM: I don’t begrudge her the work, but don’t you think Dame Maggie Smith is risking overexposure with these cameo appearances?

  91. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#88): Did you see the article in the Feb. 11 New Yorker about Bruichladdich Islay whisky? Excellent.

  92. Zerowolf
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    ASM: Can we spin off the elderly drag queen with major ‘tude? She’s the most entertaining character in this strip.

  93. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    RMMD-”Now if you will excuse me I must disappear into the moonlight and have you wonder if this conversation of ours was a figment of your imagination.”

    MW-”Without you Mary I would have been some drunk in the gutter.”

    A3G-”You’re making more sense than this blonde woman that we sleep with.”

    Beetle Bailey-The surprise is that there is no body hair in the food today.

    Hi and Lois-”First amount of electricity is free after that it’ll cost you.”

    JP-I hope those things aren’t loaded.

  94. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#80): ‘”Poo on goo” sounds like a succinct description of Sassy, the chocolate-chip cookie dough dog from Mark Trail.

    Also, is it correct to call a Canis lupus familiaris who’s mostly chocolate-chip cookie dough a “dog”?

    I’m asking you because I assume a person whose username is “Chip” would know the answer…

  95. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-Special guest appearance by Nancy Pelosi.

  96. Zerowolf
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    GT: No subtle homosexual inuendo going on here. It’s pretty blatant.

  97. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    S-M — I wonder how soon the busy residents of large cities get really tired of superheroes and the gaping crowds they draw. “Oh God, it’s Daredevil again and I’m already late. Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, sorry, excuse me. I hate that red asshole.”

  98. fluffy
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    The name “Frisco” has been played-out for so long that even Mark Twain complained about it.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Belated congratulations to the COTW-ers. Sorry I couldn’t get that in before, but I’m right smack in the Nemo zone. Off to look at some comics now.

  100. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): per the Jeph comment at the bottom of Friday’s QC:

    “The tequila monster has apparently broadened his purvey to include scotch.”

  101. jasper jinx
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Kids! Forgive me if someone has already mentioned this, but this week’s “Tom the Dancing Bug” features a MARK TRAIL PASTICHE… Marcus Traille, International Woodlands Detective. Good fun! If you’re not familiar with Tom the Dancing Bug, it’s one of those listed under comics on the Yahoo news page.

  102. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — There have been several days of this banter and some of us have now been sufficiently reminded that we don’t like watching the BwadToniShannon Show. Time to switch storylines so we can be reminded that we don’t like watching the other characters either.

  103. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#102): including Puddles, the alleged “dog.”

  104. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#3) said: “RMMD: Having sired a male heir, Rex is going to spend the rest of the night trying (and failing) to contain the pride he feels in his sperm.”

    Since Rex is surrounded by bikini-clad strippers, I initially read your comment as: “…Rex is going to spend the rest of the night trying (and failing) to contain his sperm.”

    Well, I guess that works, too.

  105. A New Day
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    Hey, new Funky Winkerbean lady: Flirting with your long-lost brother is gross. Making flirty banter out of your dad-in-common’s parenting skills is really gross. But doing it in front of him while he’s incapacitated? That’s some Next Level Greek-Tragedy shit, my friend: consider your childhood suitably avenged.

  106. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Oh ha ha! Those krazy kids in Bizarro not able to read. They saw the wrong movie. They couldn’t read the ticket to see they should be in auditorium 6 instead of auditorium 3, then they couldn’t read the movie’s title in 20 foot high letters. Ha ha. Illiteracy is funny.

  107. pugfuggly
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    ASM So it seems that San Francisco has a leaner, hipper version of Mary Worth who spends her time correcting tourists’ misapprehensions about her city in a sub-zero tone. I hear that last week she entered a flan-making competition with a retired drag queen…

    H&L “Hey honey! We decided on a uniform for our survivalist group today. We’re going with blue and black!”

    FW Ha ha, looks like they’ve already cleared out dear ol’ Dad’s study in anticipation of his death, leaving nothing but an empty beige room they throw their coats in.

  108. Soccerhead
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Spidey: Does this mean the Harry Chapin song “Taxi” was actually set in Frisco, Texas?

  109. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Bad times are coming, and Thirsty’s new life as a post-apocalyptic warlord starts today.

    FW: Okay, I get that she’s trying to lighten the mood—and good luck with that one, really—but what the fuck? “You’re his stepson, right? Well, you’re not currently incarcerated, so he must have been father of the century.”

    BH: Harriet seems to be meeting her younger self in a dream. Any words of warning?

    Crock: ??? No, seriously, ???

    JP: I’m not sure which newspaper prints an all-pictures no-words business section, but they’re right up Sam’s alley.

    BB: “… all sautéed in what’s left of my will to live.”

    GT: Half-naked teenage jocks in a steamy locker room are shouting at one of their teammates that they need his “peacock.” Yes folks, Neal Ruben gets paid to write this, not prosecuted.

    Luann: If it’s me you’re telling to ignore you, I’m way ahead of you.

    SSmith: John Rose must be paying homage to Judge Parker. Dotty is even built for it from the neck down.

    A3G: Nothing about Greg makes any sense at all, and he knows it.

  110. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#102): It’s the perfect system.

  111. Horace Broon
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#100): Should he still be wearing the sombrero if it’s not tequila? A tartan bunnet for scotch, maybe…

  112. commodorejohn
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#109): Yes folks, Neal Ruben gets paid to write this, not prosecuted.

    Funny, this is what I’m always thinking about Greg Evans and Luann.

  113. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @fluffy (#98): At first I thought you said “even Mark Trail” compared about it. Trying to imagine Mr. Trail with Samuel Clemens’ coolness level is a futile exercise.

  114. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#112): Yeah, Evans has a more consistent wrongness factor. Gil Thorp just backs into it now and then.

  115. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#46): Catfish gets his big bass at the local fish market. He keeps his SCUBA gear in the back of Rod Bassy’s truck, where nobody at any fishing contests ever notice it, or notice that he’s never around when Bassy catches his giant catfish, or that when he shows up just in time to congratulate his friend on winning a contest, he’s always dripping wet. Or maybe they notice but never say anything because as you know, Mr. Trail, most fishermen are good people and can’t imagine that anyone would cheat.
    .
    The real question is, how will Trail end up on La Isla de Momjeans this time? Okay, the real question is, once Trail vanishes, will Rusty remember the woman he saw the other day? If he follows her home, she can turn him over to the pound.

  116. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    Spider Whatever – Lady, just take a 1/4 tab and relax. This isn’t a meeting of the Boston Bluebloods, you know.

    Peter, go visit 710. It’s now a ridiculously overpriced refurbished condominium. Sam Driver probably owns it (or it was given to him).

  117. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    “My dick also glows in deep, dark water!”
    “Now, Mr. Trail, about your big fish…”

  118. Ian Beste
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    SM Ahem. By failing to place in the background of the first panel scene either (a) the Golden Gate Bridge; (b) Coit Tower; or (c) a cable car, you are in violation of California’s Instantly Recognizable Urban Settings in the Media Act, California Media & Entertainment Code section 1906. We’ll let you off with a warning this time, but be sure in the future to include for Los Angeles the Hollywood sign, for Sacramento the State Capitol and for San Diego, uh, oh I dunno, Ron Burgundy?

  119. Ian Beste
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @Soccerhead (#108): Harry Chapin’s song “Taxi” was set in hell.

  120. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Juggs Parker- Lets see…..hot sexy wife, standing there wear a PLEASE FUCK ME NOW! Nighty, and he just sits there reading the business section.

    Not what I would do!

  121. Horace Broon
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Don’t worry, Tommie, it’s not brain damage caused by smoke inhalation. He’s always like that.

    FC: Okay, how about the Northern Marsh Orchid?

    GT: Always check with your girlfriend before agreeing to share your peacock with your teammates.

    Phantom: I’m impressed that Ryan went to the trouble of drawing a second panel for this strip, when the composition of it is such that he could have just copied yesterday’s. I’m less impressed the situation came up. What is this, Locher-era Dick Tracy?

    JP: Sam doesn’t need reading glasses, he just thinks they make him look smart as he confirms that the going-up-and-down-lines still say he’s richer than God.

    MW: “You could have done this yourself. You just needed the confidence boost of me supporting you, helping you, telling you exactly how to do everything … where was I going with this?”

    S4th: You’d think Sally would have learnt by now that when Ted’s feeling stressed, the last thing he needs is to suddenly be told he’s not Batman.

    Zits: “You know we’re comic strip characters and therefore only have one outfit each!”

  122. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): I myself thought Nessie was the single malt scotch monster.

  123. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#117): might want to be careful about glowing underwater dicks, and what they might attract.

    (probably nsfw, and definitely nsfs)

  124. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#122): o nicely done.

    *golf clap*

  125. Jamus The Bartender
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man: This will be great. *spoilers* Daredevil is one of those superheroes who can lose his shit like THAT. ( Picture me snapping my fingers as I say “that”.) He once dug up his dead girlfriend Elektra after Bullseye killed her. All it takes is for him to have one bad day and he’ll beat you to death if you cross against traffic. He’s THAT nuts. He’s not right.
    Oh, also the movie had a sweet soundtrack.

  126. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

  127. Ed Dravecky
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Once on an airport shuttle, I mentioned in conversation that my friend Bob lives in Frisco… and was subjected to a long angry rant about how the name of the city is San Francisco and how dare I call it that other name. I was calm when I replied that Bob lives in Frisco, Texas, a northern Dallas suburb named for its ties to a 19th century railroad. She was not apologetic.

  128. greghousesgf
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#118): or some reference to either Chinatown or Fisherman’s Wharf.

  129. Calico
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#123):
    That is a very original piece of art. Rather nice, if not a bit weird!

  130. Mr. O’Malley
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    If you really want a nickname for San Francisco, you could try “San Pancho”, but I don’t think Peter Parker has what it takes to say it convincingly.

  131. Downpuppy
    February 9th, 2013 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#120): You would have read the funnies?

  132. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#122): Ah, you mean that instead of an Islay whisky like the aforementioned one, you’re partial to a dram or two of a particular Highland single malt. Well, you take the high road and I’ll take the low road, and if we drink enough of our respective choices, we won’t know where we are anyway, so it won’t matter.

  133. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#129): my thoughts as well. anglerfish monstergirls, wtf?!? (I salute the inventiveness, if nothing else!)

  134. Anonymous
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Fans of Calvin and Hobbes (and Cul de Sac) might enjoy this article on an upcoming documentary. I’ll be interested to see how the director handles the film — and how Mr Watterson responds (if at all).

  135. Miss Othmar
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    That “wah wah wah” you heard at #134 was me — Linus was listening, but no one else was…

  136. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    amazing dog story.

    (caution, dog is a wounded war vet, and some of the pictures may be disturbing to those with tender hearts.)

  137. Liam
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”That must be one of hell of a commute. It must be tiring hopping from truck to truck.”

  138. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#83): RMMD – Things we’ve learned: Severe drug overdose can be cured with smelling salts. Suicidal depression can be cured with admonitions to “buck up.”

    This was also the lesson from the Judge Parker “falls off a roof and becomes a best-selling author” storyline. The Judge whined about his book not being very good for a few minutes, and all of a sudden the jumper found a new lease on life. Just being in the presence of nobility can often have a salutary effect on the commoners.

  139. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    DEPARTMENT OF DEARLY DEPARTED COMIC STRIPS: Both Calvin and Hobbes and Cul de Sac are awesome today. And Herman’s guy looks surprisingly okay with his bride.

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Ah, Peter runs into Anna Madrigal. “The Amazing Spider-Man” is an anagram from “A Marzipan Smidgen,” by the way. Just thought you’d like to know that.

    Apt. 3-G: I’m not entirely sure what about “Yes, it’s Margo Magee, do you know her?” doesn’t make sense. I assume Greg, like all characters in this strip, can’t think straight with his top button unbuttoned. I also assume Evan looks like Cajun blackened possum, bam! But that’s another story.

    Crock: WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ

    H&aumlaut;gar the Horrible: H&aumlaut;gar really needs to talk to my son. If anybody knows talking without anything to talk about, it’s him.

    Judge Parker: And by “I’ll call Ned in the morning,” Abbey really means, “My B-52′s will carpet-bomb Ned’s apartment block, removing any potential boyfriends from the scene.” Yes, many will die needlessly, but it’s a small price to pay for jumblies with a payload like that.

    The Lockhorns: My God, I never noticed it before: they all have the same face. The Lockhorns aren’t separate people, they’re just fragments of the same crumbling personality, slowly descending into madness and losing contact with the outside world.

    Piranha Club: Well, I can play “Now Thank We All Our God,” “Oh, How I Love Jesus,” and sometimes a shaky version of “Amazing Grace.” So, advantage me! I think.

    Shoe: When it notices it’s color and its cousins are black-and-white, I think.

  140. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#125): Huh, I knew the basic history of the character but didn’t know about that stuff.

    Then again, Frank Miller wrote the “Born Again” story (which I actually brought up here a day or two before Daredevil actually showed up, eerily) and the story in which Bullseye killed Elektra, and Miller isn’t right in the head either (as he has demonstrated over the last half-decade or so, although I could just point to “Holy Terror” as evidence and that would make the case by itself), so maybe Murdock’s instability was symptomatic of that. Is he less prone to that kind of dark and ruthless vigilantism under other writers?

    About the Daredevil movie: it’s the only movie I ever that I actually enjoyed more with the commentary. On the first watch I was like “Why the hell is he sleeping in a coffin full of water?” Then I watched with the commentary and they said that it was actually some kind of salve or something to help him heal, because he always got hurt to some degree whenever he fought several violent criminals at once. So I was like “Oh, that makes more sense, then.” And is actually sort of realistic by superhero movie standards–similar to the way that, if you play through Arkham City, you see Batman’s costume gradually get torn in places and you see cuts and bruises on the exposed skin. Both Bruce Wayne and Matt Murdock might have had the best training in the world and might have edges in fights over normal people, but even the best fighter in the world would not be able to escape from taking on dozens of opponents without a single scratch.

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#104):

    Since Rex is surrounded by bikini-clad strippers, I initially read your comment as: “…Rex is going to spend the rest of the night trying (and failing) to contain his sperm.”

    Well, I guess that works, too.

    Yeah, it doesn’t necessarily have to be inside of him for him to be proud of it.

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#120):

    Juggs Parker- Lets see…..hot sexy wife, standing there wear a PLEASE FUCK ME NOW! Nighty, and he just sits there reading the business section.

    Not what I would do!

    Ah, but nothing arouses Sam more than thinking about money, so he is reading the business section in preparation of fucking Abbey.

  141. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#127): Wow. I’ll bet the nice residents of S.F. wouldn’t thank her for that performance.

  142. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#139): Dammit. H&aumlaut;gar=Hägar. Knew I should’ve hit “preview.”

  143. Dale
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    Brassy and Bullhead get to the site of the contest several days early. While researching the area, they catch and keep some suitable fish.
    The fish are kept alive in a tank in the back of the van.
    During the contest, by some Elrodian distortion of time and space, Bullhead hooks the fish onto Brassy’s lure.

  144. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#140): Oh, forgot to say that the reason I enjoyed it more with the commentary isn’t just that. It’s that the whole movie is like that, with a lot of parts that made me go “wtf?” the first time, but which, when explained by the director and whoever else was on the commentary track, actually made sense.

  145. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#143): I think you said “the fish” where you meant “the orphan boy who can’t be distinguished from a bass with DNA testing.”

  146. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#103): Thanks, I needed that. I have felt a little guilty from time to time that Puddles didn’t appeal to me more. Now I know the problem isn’t that I’m a biased cat person, but that Puddles just isn’t very appealing. I will continue to hope that Shannon won’t kill poor Puddles the next time she attacks him with a soda can, but my guilt is gone.

  147. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#110): Yes. Right now I’m thinking that anything at all would have to be better than more of BwadToniShannon, but LUANN will surely teach me otherwise. Talk about educational.

  148. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#145): Without. WithOUT, goddammit.

  149. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#143): The basic methods of bass-cheating, as far as I know, involve catching fish and stuffing them with weights OR catching a few huge fish ahead of the contest, keeping them alive in pens underwater at the contest site, and presenting them to the judges as newly-caught. What I’ve never heard of is someone using scuba gear to actually hook a large pre-caught fish on a lighted lure in deep water in some remote cove. If that’s what happens, I’m thinking Rod Bassy may have something he could patent. Not that anyone else would be insane enough to try it.

  150. Ian Beste
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#148): If the kid is indistinguishable from a bass even with DNA testing that would take the strip to a new level of something.

  151. commodorejohn
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#146): Puddles is like Farley, only much more so: an incoherent mishmash of funny-animal components that the author insists is animal X and also The Most Darling Thing Ever, won’t you all gather ’round and appreciate just how adorable this Frankenstein critter is? Which just pushes it further into the uncanny valley.

    I mean, seriously, you’re telling me that thing is supposed to be a dog?

  152. Zla'od
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    SM: As an erstwhile denizen of SF, I never heard anybody comment on the word “Frisco.” On the other hand, I do recall the heated debate that lead to the acronym “LGBT” (the order of letters was an issue), if that has not been supplanted by “LGBTQ” or something. Alas, my spider-sense tells me that we’re more likely to see Peter at the Embarcadero than the Castro.

    FW: Is it possible that this woman is some kind of scammer?

  153. Northernlurker
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    JP: Are those assault boobs?

  154. Dale
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#145):

    MARK TRAIL

    I didn’t really mean that, but -
    Rusty could be Dondi, and Mark could be Ted Wills.

  155. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#146): I’m a biased dog person, and Puddles ranks somewhere between chihuahuas and Poms on my *hate* list.

    *likes big mutts and cannot lie*

  156. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#146): I would like Puddles very much, if he would just live up to his name and hike his leg at the infuriating goings-on in this strip from time to time, preferably daily.

  157. commodorejohn
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    @Northernlurker (#153): “Assault boobs” is an ambiguous definition invented by the boob-control lobby, you Commie!

  158. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#152): FW: Is it possible that this woman is some kind of scammer?

    Unlikely. Batiuk already has one author-avatar in there.

  159. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#152) on Spiderman: Peter Parker at the Castro? A Dingo vignette come to life.

    @Northernlurker (#153): Imagine how effective a platoon of Assault Boobs would be against the ultra-conservative Taliban. Assume soldiers built like Judge Parker women.

  160. Dale
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#149):

    MARK TRAIL

    The contestant needs to show up at the judging station with fish that are alive or close to it.
    The tricky part is getting the fish into the boat without being seen. There are other boats in the vicinity. A live well with a big hole in the bottom would have worked.
    Having Mark on board makes things more difficult. The fish have to go up on the line.
    Isn’t this why re-breathers were invented?

  161. Revenge4Aldo
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#107): She just has to meddle in pronunciation, doesn’t she?

  162. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#159): Cherry and her Squealing Commandos covered this trope.

  163. Sgt. Stoned
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    MW: Aren’t we counting our chickens a little early, Mary?

  164. I speak Jive
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    FW – Even Sheldon Cooper knows that this is not how human beings behave.

    Frisco – I took a trip to San Francisco in the 1990′s, and even before I went I knew not to refer to the city as “Frisco.” While we were there, we went to a showing of a film about the city. Before the film started, the song “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” played over and over and over. All I heard, over and over, was the line “Headin’ for the Frisco Bay…” I didn’t hear anyone correct Otis Redding.

  165. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Northernlurker (#153): If you like being assaulted by boobs then Abbey can and will use them that way, yes.

  166. Ratiocinator
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#164):

    I didn’t hear anyone correct Otis Redding.

    How sure are we that the plane crash he died in wasn’t caused by somebody deciding he needed to be “corrected”?

  167. Mr. O’Malley
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#164): Otis was in Sausalito though. Who knows what they say over there?

    Anyway you don’t correct Otis. Or Muddy Waters singing “Mean old Frisco, low down Santa Fe”.

    But if you’re not in that league, you’d better watch your step.

    The St. Louis and San Francisco Railroad that gave its name to the town in Texas never went any further west than Texas.

  168. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#9): The Amazingly Lame Spiderman 2: I see Laurel Hardy and Lex Luthor are also in town, today.

    “Lex Luthor” is actually 1940s Timely/Marvel character (and Basil Wolverton creation) Powerhouse Pepper:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Powerhouse_Pepper

  169. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    There seem to be towns called “Frisco” in eight states, plus Frisco City, Alabama. Lots of opportunities for misplaced indignation.

  170. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    Detourned Rex Morgan (text by Sakutaro Hagiwara).

  171. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 9th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

  172. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#100): I must remember to look at the original site when I comment, and not just Darkgate!

  173. tallyHO
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    mark trail

    Maybe I’m the only person who’d find it hilarious if Rod Bassy hooks a bass guitar, reels it in and does an awesome bass solo. Meanwhile Mark stands there agog until he just does a backflip out of the boat just when Rod says, “This is why I win so many trophies!”

  174. seismic-2
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#173): I would love for Rod’s trick to be something surreal like that, instead of the unbelievably stupid scheme we all expect it will be. I’d like him to steer the boat out to the deep water, then stick his head into the lake, shout “Heeeerrrreee, bassy, bassy, bassy!!!”, and have a couple of dozen huge fish leap out of the water into the boat.

  175. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

  176. tallyHO
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#174):

    Then it would be Elrod ranting like a senile man Mark Trail lecturing Rusty about how Bass Whisperers were ruining the sport of Competitive Bass Fishing.

    “So you see, Rusty, Rod Bassy did what God only intended for Aquaman and Doctor Doolittle to do, he spoke to the fishes. That ruins the delicate eco-balance of delicacies which float in the waters. Let that be a lesson to you.”

    And then Rusty breaks the Fourth Wall by turning to and by pointing to the reader.
    “And, to you. Only an ass speaks to bass, ya dig!”

    Then a giant bass jumps out of the water, hovering large over the two “journalists” and winks.

    Mmm. Time for pancakes!

  177. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#131):

    No, but nice snarky reply there!

    Let just say I’d be doing her….

  178. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#174): @tallyHO (#176): I see you both have bought into my theory/mashup meme that both Mark and Rod are doing serious psychedelics.

    // We were on the edge of the lake, near Lost Forest, when the drugs began to take hold…

  179. tallyHO
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#178):
    If that is your theory then I wholeheartedly endorse it!

    Lessee….
    So a “a giant bass jumps out of the water…and winks.”

    Then “Catfish” jumps out of the water, jumps onto the the fish’s back the dorsal fin, yells, “Yeeha!” and starts riding the giant bass like it is a bucking bronco.

    Mark and Rod start getting laughing fits and it lasts for two weeks.

    Rusty just stands on the dock alternately taking photos and scratching his head.

  180. tallyHO
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    Mark:
    “It’s a…hahahahahahaaha….it’s a catfish on a bass!”

    Hahahhaahahahahahahahaha!

    Rod:
    “Yeah…That’s Catfish for ya! Always showing off right before they hand me the trophy! Hahahaha! He thinks they’ll give him a consolation prize for Best of Showoff!”

  181. Mardou Fox
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#154): OH!! Wow. thank you! I just realized that it’s DONDI that Rusty has been reminding me of for some time now!! Dondi… the original freakish orphancomicboy.

  182. tallyHO
    February 9th, 2013 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    Catfish, with a little stutter like a…a…old hu…hu..humor..comedian:

    “N-n-now, th-that’s not t-t-true!

    “I just like the f-f-fuh-fuh feel of scales on my ass!”

    Then Mr. Whipple pops his head in the strip. Did someone need their ass felt? If so, I have just the thing,” he says, grinning maniacally while flexing the grip of his sweaty paws.

  183. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#180):

    Well, that makes more sense than anything else we’ve seen in this strip!

  184. tallyHO
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Mary Worth

    “It’s up to the judges now!”

    The audience begins applauding and then erupts into a rapturous roar. There’s catcalls and barks, chanting and no snarks!

    It turns out there is only one judge for this cake decorating contest.

    The judge’s name:
    God.

    So, God surveys the confectionary landscape of the contestants.
    When he gets to John and Mary’s cake, he pauses.
    “Mother Nature? I think you are sadly mistaken. That’s a pink, sugary Mary Worth.”

    He chuckles in a warm, dulcet tone. The room vibrates and the tension leaves the room like the last bit of steam escaping a tea kettle. The audience murmurs Amens and Hallelujahs.

    Then God passes judgement.

    “All of these cakes are okay. You can tell you put a lot of effort into it and you should feel good that you didn’t drop it, like the couple who are currently in Hell.

    “However, I can do better than any of them.”

    With a wave of his index finger, motioned as if he concurrently said, “Oh NoYouDidn’t!”, a cake appears and hovers in mid-air.

    Mary is astonished. She slams her face into the palm of her hand. Mr. Whipple turns and glares at her, his eyes throwing knives at Mary but not a like carnival act; he’s pissed. The cake hovering before them all is spectacular…even though there seem to be things living on it, driving little cars, polluting with their factories, etc. (you know how it is).

    Then Mr. Whipple turns to God, throws up his hands and says,
    “You win, God! You win again!”

    And, he starts to storm out of the studio. He doesn’t get far before a trap door opens, flames shoot out, he goes, “whoooaAAAAaaaaaaa!”, is sucked down into the fire and is never seen again.

    Next Time, in Mary Worth: Mary ponders her latest column.
    “Should I thank the Almighty:
    a) for sharing some of that magnificent cake with everyone; there was enough for seconds, but initially I declined before quickly changing my mind as flames trickled out of the floorboards;

    b) For just being Almighty and Alrighty;

    c) For getting rid of Mr. “Handsy Squeezy” Whipple so I didn’t have to get my hands dirty and drain a liquor bottle or five in the process?

  185. Droopy Says
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: The Kingpin will destroy Daredevil in one minute? It looks like Spiderdick has arrived just in time to take the fall. Now does Daredevil realize that he and this schlemiel are buddies?

    Icky Squickybean: You’ve got to accentuate the negative . . .

    Family Circus: Displaying more smarts than you’d see in FW, Billy and Jefft realize the snow is no place for incest.

    Mary Mirthles: Next up, John and Mary receive a ticker-tape parade through downtown Manhattan, with a documentary filmed by Spielberg and the sacred cake itself placed in a newly-built wing of the Smithsonian. The Vatican declares a new holy day of obligation. Writers from Chinese fortune cookie factories follow Mary day and night.

    Pluggers: Ordinarily rhino-man and bear-man would always worry about poachers, what with their assorted body parts being used in assorted traditional aphrodisiacs. This February, however, they should be far more concerned with the way that spring has arrived so soon. It’s as unnatural as anything in their world.

  186. tallyHO
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Even without being able to see the upside-down answer in Slylock Fox, it is so obvious Cassandra’s unseen passenger is an empty twelve-pack.

    //my snark tank is running on empty. let’s so how minimalistic I can be before I….

  187. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:36 am [Reply]

  188. Marzipan
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Wait, so does this blond-haired kid actually have a wife? God, I’m glad I don’t know anything about Funky Winkerbean. Is the existence of a wife supposed to make me feel better about whatever creepy shit is going on with these two??

  189. Brian Smith
    February 10th, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    I’ll go the title of this post one better: Ben Affleck and Rex Smith > the combination of Tobey Maguire, Andrew Garfield and Nicholas Hammond. Live-action pre-CGI superheroes? Y’ALL BETTA RECOGNIZE

  190. Poteet
    February 10th, 2013 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    FW — On Monday, he’ll be transformed into a giant cockroach.

  191. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 10th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#57): My brother and I were also making more realistic dialogue when we were six, and those were conversations held between various toy animals. (I have proof… if I can ever find an 8-track player to play the recordings we made…)

  192. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 10th, 2013 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#120): I suspect it’s a bit like how people who live in places with mild climates aren’t that excited by a sunny day; they know that there’ll be another chance tomorrow. When you live with the beautiful woman in the sexy nightgown every day, there’s no need to rush.

  193. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 10th, 2013 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    @Marzipan (#188): Yes, he has a wife. One who looks remarkably like him.

  194. comcis fan
    February 10th, 2013 at 3:06 am [Reply]

    MW: I get it now. It’s not a cake-decorating contest, it’s a cake-carrying contest, and in cake-carrying contests, there are hecklers. Completely different crowd from the decorators.

    FW: This all leads to Saint Lester becoming Darin’s de facto father.

  195. Baka Gaijin
    February 10th, 2013 at 4:33 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Strips

    Newest event in the World’s Strongest Man contest: Hideous Cake Clean-and-Jerk Lift. Originally it was a Cake Snatch but, well, no one wants to think of “Mary Worth” and “snatch” in the same sentence. Or brain.

    I love how the nurse in Apartment 3-G keeps asking what use Tommie, a nurse, could be at the scene of a fire with injuries.

    In today’s Mutts, Mooch does his Cathy impression. Love the look of realization on his face and tail just before the “ACK!”

  196. Baka Gaijin
    February 10th, 2013 at 4:58 am [Reply]

    NOTE TO SLYLOCK AND CASSANDRA: FUCK ALREADY!

    Sally, munch away. Chocolate lasts years and that cheapo wax-chocolate Americans make bunnies from has the same half-life of radium.

    Loving it, Rob Wilco. Loving you wordlessly taking Bucky down a notch.

    Maybe I’ve been an ex-pat too long but I never knew anyone who grilled in the snowy winter, yet there’s Jimbo Gumbo doing it. Is that a real thing?

  197. Wanion
    February 10th, 2013 at 5:20 am [Reply]

    And yet people who live here still refer to it as “San Fran” as if that’s somehow better.

  198. Calico
    February 10th, 2013 at 5:34 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#139):
    I thought it was an anagram for “Lazy dumbass.” :D

  199. Shran
    February 10th, 2013 at 7:14 am [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#125): Now this, I’m looking forward to.

  200. Liam
    February 10th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Pluggers-That is appropriate since one of the players is a bear and the other is a rhino. I think the rhino might be in more danger since he’ll be killed for his horn.

    JP-Why would Neddy’s friends be older than her?

    JP 2-”An American doctor in Paris. That’s interesting. French society must have broken down that they need help from American doctors.”

    MW-This isn’t a recap of what happened last week it is a preview of what is going to happen this week.

  201. Ned Ryerson
    February 10th, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    JP: Reflection of cleavage on the table lamp? That guy likes drawing cleavage!

  202. Baka Gaijin
    February 10th, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#200): I don’t know. Bear bladders and bile bring a pretty yuan on the Asian black markets, too. They’re both taking a huge risk.

    What am I saying? Drunken Pluggers carrying guns are a danger for anything that moves, in season or inanimate.

  203. Victory Garden
    February 10th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Surprised no one has mentioned the real nickname for SF… The City.

  204. Bud
    February 10th, 2013 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    I had no idea Nancy Kulp was so into Daredevil’s flight schedule.

  205. Morgan Wick
    February 10th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    Oh goody! It’s one of those Spider-Man storylines where Spidey stays on the sidelines and watches the guest star be an actual superhero!

  206. Anonymous
    February 11th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    FW: “I’m going to be living in your house for a while.”

  207. Kristian
    February 11th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    FW: “I’m going to be living in your house for a while.”
    (Ack, stupid cookies.)

  208. Marmaduke Franz Ferdinand
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    I wonder how the weather is in SF now that Heat Miser has moved there and lost weight

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